 Hey, hey, welcome to talks with Tony now. We are back at it now I'm gonna be trying to answer your questions and understand we have over 2000 questions and I Found that being that I'm not talking to you directly It's best to have Questions that are really long. So this is great if you clean the house you on the drive So understand that if you are one of those short attention span people then talks with Tony is not for you Because some of these letters can get kind of lengthy so bear with me on it and I read it as it is written so we're gonna work through the typos and everything and For those of you who have written in just be patient with me and I'm going through them the best I can so we'll look for this as often as possible Stay tuned make sure you hit the like and subscribe and the notification bell. So when I release these you're able to immediately jump on it Dear Tony, I hope this email finds you well first. I want to thank you for being only God knows how many People you have been able to help with your work so far as a native Croatian 28 years old I have spent my whole life in Germany. I was raised Catholic and have both feet on the ground At least that's how it looks to the outside world Fate wanted me to meet you almost two years ago. It all started with a video Now I sit here and try to share my thoughts and part of my life with you because I suspect that hardly anyone else can answer Me more honestly wisely and maturely than you Let me share my story with you Now this recording Is the anyway for you to know this sound is working just cuz it's going up and down on the thing. Okay. Okay, cool Right, right. Oh, no, I mean we ain't got no editing or nothing like that. I just you know my folks know my sister four years younger than me and I grew up with our parents until they divorced when I was 12 years old My father who I would call a grown boy after two years My sister four years younger than me and I grew up with our parents until they divorced when I was 12 years old My father who I would call a grown boy after two years with you decided At that time to earn our living in an illegal way My parents marriage was breaking down more and more every day, which could not be hidden from us children My mother then decided after it started to become dangerous for our lives That she would leave with us. My father slipped deeper and deeper into his problems and ended up in prison The time as a teenager when I would have needed him the most I had to spend without him My mother did her best for me and my sister to fill that void as a girl who was raised Catholic I was aware that if I ever had a boyfriend, I would marry him. At least that was my dream The fact that life doesn't work out the way you want it to The fact that life doesn't work out the way you want it to I became very aware of towards the end of my school years At the latest in the 10th 11th grade my friends and classmates had their boyfriend usually long-term relationships The first great love Except for me the guys like me thought I was cool I always had a big mouth and was cheeky. Generally, I would count myself among the more popular students However, there was no boy who was in love with me. Certainly not the one I was in love with That does something to a growing girl self-esteem Shortly before I graduated from high school in Germany is 13 years of school by then I Got into the wrong circles of friends rebelled didn't come home at night gave my mother's sleepless nights And otherwise just did nonsense through my best girlfriend at the time already integrated into this sinking ship of friends I then met my first great love or lesson when I saw him for the first time I knew that I wanted him no one else if someone had shown me a trailer of what would happen if I stay with him I would have run probably to the other side of the world. I 17 about to graduate from high school Now I will say Y'all got some good education over there because this one of the best written emails I've ever seen I mean all kind of commas in here. I mean, this is just No Spelling errors. This is amazing I 17 about to graduate from high school well brought up with dreams for my future Meet him 23 school dropout drug user I'm almost ashamed to tell you that I fought like a mad woman for the first years of our six-year relationship He was extremely inconsistent unreliable unavailable For the first years Years wow of our six-year relationship. He was extremely inconsistent unreliable unavailable, especially emotionally unavailable to keep this part short the first time I left him was when I was pregnant at 22 the reason I had to leave The reason I had to leave him was because his reaction was something like get rid of it Preferably yesterday how stupid are you and worse? I cut him out of my life without hesitation a day later He started turning 180 degrees. Please. I lost control. Let's have the baby. We can do this. Let's get married I love you and so on since that day. I haven't had a quiet moment For two months. He literally has been everywhere I have been until one day I decided to report him to the police because I was about to break down Meanwhile, I decided for my and the unborn's best to not bring it to life As if this decision-making wasn't enough for me I never gave him a chance to even have a word with me after this happened For nine months. He bumped into me for the first time. I felt ready to hear and accept his sorry Not least to close this chapter of my life Finally, he told me everything everything I wanted to hear in this moment. I Don't drink anymore. I don't do drugs anymore. I found a decent job I cannot believe you're back. I'm not gonna let you go again. I'm sorry me feeling sorry for him I was mistaking that feeling. I was mistaking that feeling for love back then But not wanting to start things over again Found myself in this situation I'm still drinking doing drugs and not having a job at all But hiding the facts one week I had to leave again and that's when I knew God exists My family almost had to see me again in a coffin that day the 16th of July 2017 This time he wanted to make me pay with my life for leaving him Only God knows how I was able to escape from his place after what he did to me I'm not writing you to get sympathy rather to come to the present I started dating again after almost two years and have to realize that I only ever Attract taken men or if they're single I'm not able to keep them. It's frustrating to be honest I have been very concerned with myself and my needs for some time now have established standards after reading your book a Woman's influence. You haven't read a woman's influence. Make sure you grab that Among others. I'm keeping my legs closed Just wishing for my own family the best example is the last one I dated for four months until I dumped him two days ago Here it is. I met this guy three years ago through a mutual friend He's now 29. He then just came to Germany from Tunisia for university So communicating in German wasn't possible. We had to skip to English and French his second mother tongue He seemed to be open emotionally available educated and friendly the exact opposite of my ex-boyfriend I described above. I wanted myself to give it a try. That's how I'd say now We met three or four times talking spending time together outside at restaurants not even kissing One day the three of us him our mutual friend my best girlfriend back then who was the act Who is the exact same friend? I mentioned above and me my intuition said to me Cheerfully that something's wrong here. His behavior made it obvious for me not even hers But his one day later. He texts me and told me he needs to see and talk to me Also wanted me to not talk to her until we've met My dumb a screen shot at the message and sent it to her. We were making fun of it Remember she used to be my bestie. He didn't stop texting and calling me telling me that my best friend Isn't my best friend and I should be careful. I also screen shot at this and sent it to her Then she understood the seriousness of the situation and said he obviously wants to destroy my life I have to tell you something Me excuse me. She I kissed him right before we got downtown to meet you. I Was so shocked then she continued. I also told him about your ex-boyfriend and what he did to you Tony I felt like 100 knives stabbed my back. I Blocked both of them immediately everywhere She made one or two attempts to reach me and quickly gave up since then I have never heard from her again He on the other hand had sent a text message from his new number Every now and then trying to explain himself and the situation telling me he misses me I never answered four months ago. I randomly installed the messenger Telegram on my phone not knowing that every user gets a pop-up message whenever one of his contacts installs it Now guess who found me there? Yes. Yeah At this time he was in Tunisia for the holidays. We started texting every day After a week, he also started calling me every evening He stayed in Tunisia for another three weeks and we arranged to meet when he was back in Germany And that's what we did. We sat in the cafe and he told me deep down He knew the day will come when I would learn the truth He told me that he fell in love with me Three ago, I don't know. She's And just couldn't get me out of his head That's why he continuously reached out to me He almost begged me to give it another try and I somehow agreed He kept initiating the contact every day calling me every day Taking me on dates. He came to my place and I went to his place two months in we started to stay overnight at His and my place. I knew he would try. I knew he would try me and I was prepared to dump him anytime My belief that my body only belongs to one man, namely my future husband is unshakable I didn't allow more than cuddling even though he tried to cross my boundary a few times He accepted my rejections Disregarding I felt very secure understood and protected in his presence all the time We talked about the future his plans my plans goals, but I wondered why he wouldn't make me his official girlfriend I have first kept my doubts to myself and wanted to observe what he's up to If or when he is going to introduce me to his friends, his family lives in Tunisia. So he's alone here These facts are better red flags made me confront him two weeks ago making him what his plan is With me and he even has one with me And if he even has one as he kind of stopped progressing with me I also told him that I noticed he wasn't fully present emotionally And that it's confusing. He told me that it's normal and that emotions cannot go upwards linear Ups and downs are normal and I shouldn't be concerned about that He then also stopped doing the little things like compliments You look beautiful today or sending hard or kiss emojis via text messages Maybe it's ridiculous, but I felt something was wrong. I even started to think that maybe something is wrong with me I literally started to question myself Am I good enough for him with the days? I started to feel more and more anxious I tried to detach myself emotionally from this situation But it got worse. He started complaining about me not calling and texting him as regularly anymore Still every day, but I knew this is going to be toxic if we continue this He started asking me if my behavior has anything to do with my ex-boyfriend In addition to all this he started to be jealous and controlling last week I needed a couple of days off and decided to visit a friend of mine in frankfur Which is about two hours away from here by car He clearly wasn't happy about my decision But would let me go we generally never screaming at each other or call us names or anything similar When I was at my girlfriend's house, he started trying to control me asking me where I was what I was doing, etc I stayed at hers for two days told her the story about him She encouraged me to listen to my gut feeling I guess that's why I ended up on his facebook account that evening scrolling through his friends list his pictures the friends pictures everything And then I found her His fiance who lives in Tunisia She had pictures of him and her from their engagement party on her facebook from this year this summer When he texts me all day long and called me every day. I just couldn't believe my eyes I then did the biggest mistake ever And called him with shaky hands and not a measurable heartbeat I guess I've never listened to more lies than then He told me all calm and collected That he doesn't even want to marry her but his life needed to go on He asked me what he should have done because it was me who left him three years ago He wouldn't know which decision he should make and he's not sure He's going to concentrate on his last phase in university and wanted me to understand his situation He left me speechless All right, we coming to the end What was he here for? Did he want to secure himself For every scenario in case he stays in germany He's got me and in case he leaves the country after university. He's got her Did he want to break me? I'm literally exhausted toni and although I believe in god I sometimes find myself thinking maybe it's not to be For you. I love and appreciate your honest thoughts. God bless you and your family All righty My goodness now I was starting to you know Get beat down in that one that that was long. I know I say I like for it to be long, but that one was my goodness that one stretched me And here's the thing when I listen to this I think about how It's so many men who Call me A simp and get mad With me trying to bridge this gap and create a dialogue between men and women And trying to seek to understand the other side It's kind of like when you just looking at yourself and you just seeing things through your eyes You can never see Across the table like whether that's race relations gender relations country relations Religion relations anything you have to Take your shoes off and put their shoes on And walk a mile in their shoes to try to understand what they're going through or dealing with And when I hear this I'm like There's really no way That you can prepare yourself And it's really no way that you can protect yourself like protect your heart fully From something like this because the guy the second guy Gave everything that a woman would expect Gave the communication and all the sweet words, but then the inconsistency happens And this is the one thing and it's hard because As you said in your letter And y'all heard her say that when she was in high school She didn't have a guy that was in love with her And other girls had guys and that messed with her self-esteem and that's why I try to tell y'all all the time You have to make sure that you're taking care of your mind And that you're taking care of you because if you aren't you will start to feel like You are a reflection of What's going on in the world in your life? Like when you look out and you say hey nobody's approaching me I'm not with anybody Then you start to say well, I'm not worthy. I'm not attractive instead of saying Maybe I need to be focusing elsewhere And maybe that focus will then help me get aligned so that I am attractive To the person that is for me And so a lot of times we're just waiting for the validation of other people And in anything in life when we're doing it is like oh am I not worthy like what's wrong with me? Like what am I doing wrong? And it could be what you're doing right and we don't oftentimes think about that. So I want you to think about this and really Take a lesson like this is a long situation too long situations and in situation number one Here's where the mistake was made when you see someone living out of line meaning We have to remember that love is a moral act So when someone is living fast they're doing drugs You already know then She couldn't know because she was around 17, but for everybody else. I see so many Men and women choose someone who is living a lifestyle Without morals and then expecting them to be able to love And it just cannot happen Either way you look at it men or women And that's why it's a lot of broken hearts. So many women get a broken heart because They try to love a drug dealer They try to love A guy who is doing something else illegal They try to love a guy who is addicted to a substance that has control over his life And love is a moral act. So if a person doesn't have morals or if a person doesn't have discipline and self-respect Or self-control, they're not going to be a good lover No matter how great their heart is They won't be a good lover until they have discipline and they have control in their lives And so you got to pay attention to that The other mistake is She was 17. I think he was 23 and When you have an age gap like that You have to be mindful that this other person could have more worldly experience They could know more things to say To get over on you and you have to be mindful so that you don't get played And this isn't anything not just in relationships, but think about this in business If I go to somebody and they've been doing Investments for 10 15 years, they know all the lingo And if they're a scam artist, they can say hey You know, you need to put in at least $10,000 and don't expect any growth for five years and just kind of Put it in forget about it And that's it and we're going to do it this this this if I know nothing about investing And I don't know that a stock can grow Every month every six months and that my 10k could be 11k in 12 months Then I'll just be sitting there and not expecting anything to happen And this person could take my money and run off with it And have flipped it 10 15 different times and then give me my 10k back after five years If I don't know what I'm doing the same thing happens in relationships You see somebody you meet somebody and you're so ready to love But they have so much more experience than you they've been around more they've seen more they've done more And you don't pay attention to that and then you believe in everything they say And the next thing you know, you're losing because of it. So I want you to think about this and The the lesson here is On the second guy When you cut somebody off And you know, you cut them off for a real reason And then destiny separates you He goes to another country Or he's from another country Another state for those of you in America And The breakup was for a real reason. It wasn't just because you woke up on the wrong side of the bed with an attitude But it was a real reason The same way You cut off him. I mean you cut off your friend Is the same way you should have cut him off So if you don't let the friend come back and apologize and whisper all these sweet nothings Then don't let the man come back either Because the man had to be in the wrong too for the friend to feel comfortable enough to kiss him And to talk to him about your secrets And so you got to understand that it was betrayal on both sides. Yes, she was your friend She shouldn't have done that to you But she's hurt lost broken confused desperate Just like you were and so the man he's sitting in a cool calm collected position watching both of y'all be Desperate and insecure and then he played on her and he played on you And Yeah, we could say oh, he's not the fault. She came on to him But he could have stopped that And yes, he was coming to tell you but a lot of times when a man who was a grown boy Is coming to tell you about your friend is so that you lose that person and you're even more isolated For him to run the games he wants to run A grown man would have stopped her And then came and told you so now he's sold up on both ends So that's what you have to understand. So listen This is tough and this is why I tell y'all about long distance relationships and this is why I always talk about how In most cases long distance relationships in most cases not all cases But in most cases long distance relationships are not real And the reason being is because most men are physical Creatures we need to see in person. We need to touch in person We need to be close to in close proximity to the person that we are loving so This man is from another country. He's going back to live in this country at certain times And then he's in your country studying So now He's going to have a long distance relationship with you when he's in tinesia And then he's having a long distance relationship with his fiance when he's in germany And just like you said In the title of your email plan a and b So it allows him to not be alone Regardless of the country he's in Now when a man gets engaged to a woman that shows you who he really wants to be with Because he could have kept reaching out to you over them three years And he could have kept pursuing you and a man pursues what he wants So he didn't actually pursue you. You just got the app and when you got that app He was notified that his contact had joined the app. So it was really like happenstance It was really like you popped up almost on his side He doesn't even understand the spiritual warfare that he's in because he gets engaged And then boom you joined the app. He gets notified and it really was a test On the spiritual side of things for him To see if he was a real man and to see where he was in his life And he failed the test by coming back to talk to you He also did not want anything with you did not want to be with you But you were the one who got away So he wanted to sew that up to prove to himself That you leaving him wasn't rejection He wanted to know that it was just a circumstance and situation that made you make an irrational decision An irrational reaction not even a decision because you didn't decide Because when he came back you allowed him to come back So you had never decided that you were done with him and you were over him And that's what he wanted to see he wanted to prove to himself That he could get you back And if you would take him back It would also let him know that he possibly Could have you as a side chick While having his fiance and then eventually get married and still have you as a side chick in germany and Most men without a religious conviction without A purpose that he's connected to without something in his life that's bigger than him Most men are completely fine with that Most men completely okay With having multiple women and lying and deceiving those women and manipulating those women And could sleep perfectly fine at night It's the nature of most men Of a lot of men. I won't even say most but of a lot of men and he he falls in that category And I used to be in that category and it's really just because we're unattached. It's because we Don't have our relation our heart in the relationship. We're not processing love We're going through the motions because that's what we are taught we should do But we're not really connected to what we're doing We're just hey, you're supposed to talk to women Hey, you're supposed to get engaged Hey, you're supposed to get married and that's that So listen in order to Beat this You have to make sure that You're not desperate You gotta check your meter and make sure you're not going Into the desperate territory Because if you get desperate You will get dogged So you have to make sure that you are replenishing your mind Renewing your mind and you're telling yourself. I'm worthy I am loving amazing I am kind I'm a good person. What's for me will be for me Let me focus on what I can be completing Start your podcast your single woman start your single woman podcast Write your book start your company start your foundation Travel the world Like get out and do something so that you are active and you're doing what you need to be doing The other thing is you've got to have your boundaries So you got to know what parts of your body can be touched and when And what parts of your day can be accessed and when by men The next thing is you got to have your standards So you have to know What your deal breakers are and what you willing won't tolerate and you also got to be able to identify the red flags To know what is going against your standards so that you don't just sweep it under the rug Turn a blind eye and ignore it and then find yourself up the creek without a paddle And lastly when you leave For a legitimate reason Then be done When you leave for a real reason be done So hey, listen back to this if you need to Thank you for that email. Now if you need to send me an email if you want to get in the queue inbox Inbox at tonigaskins.com inbox at tonigaskins.com you can send me an email Don't make it that long maybe about two minutes shorter But if it needs to be that long and it's Permanent details then it's cool. We'll rock with it. So hey, thank you so much Make sure that You hit the subscribe button if you haven't so that you will be notified and turn on your notification bell That's something that I always forget to ask you to do But you know how things change online. So make sure you do those things and stay tuned I'll be rolling out a couple series And for the men got something coming Bringing back the car chronicles Where we're going to be addressing Men topics this also will be good for women to watch because you'll learn more about the mindset of men But gonna be addressing Topics that relate to men. So tell your brother your uncle your husband your cousin that the channel is not just for women This is content that men can learn and grow from as well So hey appreciate you and we'll talk soon