 Hello and welcome to harsh critique today. We're going to take a look at a draft and it's terrible We're gonna try to do our best to get through it without getting too angry, I guess One thing to remember even though I'm gonna be very very harsh with this draft and that may be the style you're expecting from an SCP writer It's not acceptable behavior to give critique like this on the site So if you get on the site and you're mean to someone for no reason You're gonna get yourself into trouble and heck you probably get yourself into trouble even if you have a good reason But the person that sent me this knows exactly what to expect and send it for that exact reason So let's give it a try item number blah blah blah object class Object class safe. No Euclid. No safe. No Euclid This is why strike throughs don't make any sense. They don't they make no sense to put a strike through there Which is it? There is no absolutely no reason why in your documentation the object class of of all things And sometimes this ends up showing up in special containment procedures, but not here for fucking once but the object class is unclear Which is it? Is it safe or is it Euclid because it's got the little cross through which is you know It's writer shorthand for everyone who is out of universe to let them know that it's actually used to be safe And now it's Euclid but in universe. It's not really fully defined And I'm gonna bet every site handles it a little differently Is it safe still and it's being transitioned to Euclid currently was it safe once upon a time and now it's Euclid Is it technically both but being considered under Euclid for containment purposes who the fuck knows I? Hate it. I hate strike-throughs. They make no fucking sense You just put the thing you want to put you don't need to be clever with the audience and go oh It gets better later SCP xxxx is to be kept in a standard 5 meter by 4 meter by to me airtight freezer kept at 14 degrees Fahrenheit or Negative 10 degrees Celsius. Okay, you don't actually need Fahrenheit at all much less Do you need to have it as the primary? temperature that you? We use Celsius in If you used Celsius and maybe Kelvin you could get away with it, but Fahrenheit is like so Limited it does not have worldwide use. It's such a limited Individual thing don't use Fahrenheit There is absolutely no anyone who the few countries that still use Fahrenheit as a temperature will have to go Do the conversion themselves, but the vast majority of the world's population who all use Celsius? We'll just know what the temperature is in an undisclosed wing. Oh, man I assume there's a good reason for that as of 2 17 black box black box in the special containment procedures as of what date Dr. Quote on Dr. Timothy may view and interact with that once a day. I I Like that for once there's a contingency in case dr. Timothy is unavailable at least at least that's in here Wow, but as of what date? You black box the date and and normally you can make the argument that you shouldn't black box things because it creates an uncertainty But this definitively creates an uncertainty, right because you don't know what the date is Is it in the future? Is it in the past is? Dr. Timothy from now on allowed to view and interact with the SCP once a day Or is this set into the future and it's you know three months in three months dr. Timothy may view in it. We don't know because we don't know the fucking date That is so fucking useless. That is useless information All right, and there is a magic chef brand refrigerator. That's normal enough So moderate disrepair with dried paint from the window Bop-ah handled of the fridge is missing a sick amount of the freezer presented has has been used Oh blah and fridge. Don't work due to lack of And fridge don't work due to lack of a compressor Now, you know, I tell you right now compressor is very important in order for a refrigerator to work But boy. Tell you Yeah, if you don't have a compressor in there that fridge don't work. That's a that's pretty good. That's great. Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep That that's a real thing. Mm-hmm. Oh Man Who puts that in a draft and fridge don't work? I Mean, I guess you wanted to say and the refrigerator Does not it and the refrigerator is incapable of operation or and the refrigerator is incapable of normal operation due to the lack of a compressor And you know what's interesting here is that this particular refrigerator is Definitively has a freezer, but it's not described. It says it's a magic chef brand refrigerator Here's the thing not every refrigerator has a freezer most refrigerators include a freezer But this just assumes you know that this has a freezer because it's not on here And then it just talks about a sticker mark on its freezer portion So it doesn't describe it it takes the time to tell you that it's in moderate disrepair And it has dried paint on it from the walls of the house It was in before containment on the left side of the of the object and that the handle to the fridge the fridge Not refrigerator, but the fridge is missing and doesn't tell you that this design includes a freezer. Oh Wow the addition of a compressor from a normal refrigerator does not nullify or alter the object's anomalous properties But I don't know what they are yet. You've got a whole paragraph doing a physical description of the object, which you okay? I Will tell you this right now when it comes to pacing. It's very difficult for it to be fully defined to people It can be very hard for me to tell you what's wrong with your pacing other than that There is a pacing problem and kind of where it is because pacing is so It's dependent on the interest you have in a thing that's why the writer himself may not always know that pacing is a problem because you're really engaged in the topic so like SCP-4000 taboo is a great example of a problem where if you really like fairy stories Or if you're really engaged in just the concept of it being a 4,000 article or you look at the rating and you see that it's super high rated and you're like, oh, this is good This is gonna be great Then you can get through slow parts that you wouldn't have been able to get through if it was just a Random number at plus 40 you would just be like Never mind But so pacing is very very very dependent on a number of factors that are pretty much outside of your control But when you're doing your description the anomaly needs to be at the top Yes, a physical description is important include a physical description But make sure your anomalous effects are at least in the second sentence. You can give a brief Very brief physical description like in this is a magic chef brand refrigerator Okay, well, I would maybe not say the brand. I don't think the brand is important. I could be wrong I don't know I could I could read further and find out that the brand is important But what you can do here is just say something like it is a refrigerator with It's a refrigerator with a freezer to be honest with you You can give information on the design itself you can say that it And then you give me the anomalous you give me the anomalous properties. You say it's a refrigerator You give me some detail very minimal details in one sentence and then you tell me the anomaly Because that is how you keep your reader You can't go a whole paragraph and especially when it's the containment procedures are as short as they are Which is a good thing most of the time there's nothing about these containment procedures that really grabs the reader Which is fine That's why they're short if you can't grab the reader in the containment procedures for whatever reason Just make them short and move on but if you move on you better get to that anomaly Almost as a parent when an object is put into the fridge in the fridge of Esso boy and the door has been closed. So that's just bad That's a bad sentence structure is put into the fridge like this is The you may have noticed there seems to be a clinical tone problem here into the fridge into the fridge I've got to put that object into the fridge What's really odd is that the object itself is a fridge if you're gonna be using that parlance to describe it So I don't understand how it can be put into the fridge of the object unless suddenly you are now differentiating between the refrigerator and the freezer section which you didn't clearly define in the In the physical description, you didn't need to be as detailed on but you know whatever Little will show that the object that was inserted has vanished in a new object based on the object Okay, so yeah, the freezer is important. So you need to tell me that this is for this has got a freezer in it Will appear in the freezer Act as though they act as they do any What? Objects that appear in SCPX as its freezer act as they do any other object of their kind What the fuck? this process it Okay, so They teleport right now. I'm sure there's more. I am sure if I read for it Well, I'm sure as I read further. There's gonna be more right Here's the thing You know what you just told me I put something in the refrigerator portion of this machine and it will appear in the freezer section Now that's it when you Give me something like this and that is an anomalous effect. Great. It's not a very interesting or engaging anomalous effect So you shouldn't spend too much time telling me about it. You should just get it out of the way move on Then you tell me what I'm I'm imagining this sentence is supposed to say objects that appear in the freezer act as Are not abnormal, there's nothing anomalous about them because or they appear at least Not anomalous, right? You don't have to tell me that something is not anomalous if you describe a thing The natural assumption even though this is the SCP wiki You're describing a physical object. You do not need to tell me that it's non anomalous I guessed that it's not anomalous because it's just a thing you get that all the time on the wiki It's like SCP XXX is a laptop which causes effects of blah blah blah blah blah The laptop itself is non anomalous. You don't need to tell me that you told me it was a laptop I already assumed it was non anomalous. You only have to tell me if it's anomalous. That's what anomalous really means It's different than normal. I can assume it's normal unless you tell me that it's different than normal And this process does not work if the object is inserted into the freezer instead of the fridge Okay If an input inserted into is a sentient living creature the output will be a two liter bottle of dark liquid Kendo most soft drinks dubbed Svxxx-1 on the bottle of writing written with black box brand permanent marker Why? What was the point of that? What is the point of that black box? What is it accomplished for you? What does it do for you other than the fact that we and we've talked about this in some Of the previous videos that black boxes are an inauthentic way to censor information It doesn't help you it does nothing to actually improve this a brand permanent marker That reads the first name on the bottle and writing written with writing written Hmm Could be maybe that you don't want to put use the phrase writing written either I'm just gonna throw that out there permanent marker that reads the first name reads the first name out loud Does it read it out loud to people reads the first name of whatever animal was put into it? Because we're talking about anomalies. This is the thing again, we're talking about anomalies So if you use your language, you have to be very very exact So when you say something reads the first name of whatever animal was put into it I Honestly don't know if you mean that it literally reads it out loud because it's an anomalous thing And that is a totally reasonable expectation If the subject hasn't received a name prior to being asserted into Inserted is the worst possible word you could use there you use placed This is where you're using a $2 word when you could use a $1 word I'm not saying that insert it doesn't have a place in this kind of documentation and sure it'll help you with your clinical tone But here it means nothing you could have just used the word placed won't have a name marked onto it And it will not have any liquid in it You could have just said this effect does not occur if the animal has no name You didn't actually have to That's it. That's the like Third of the length of what you put down Whenever something consumes the subject will consume it will pass out within five to ten minutes after consumption Wow, okay, you use the word consumed or a form of consumed three times in the same sentence So good job there after they wake up they could take a few hours to a few Redacted like that makes any sense at all redactions. They're again make no sense The personality will shift it. That's the The personality will shift to the subject that transformed in the inside what personality. It's an animal. Oh Those are still remembering that suffer long-term depression and usually exhibit suicide Suicide thoughts not suicide old thoughts Suicide thoughts after two to three months and I've reported it to be very bitter and then it has a horrid aftertaste. Oh I'm sorry a very horrid aftertaste Be clear here Can something be yes? I know something can be very horrid, but I feel like that should be reserved for something terrible Anyway, oh Now we're on to the discovery now. I'll tell you right now your base object is It's all over the place. You've got a refrigerator that moves objects from the refrigerator portion to freezer portion It has no compressor. It doesn't actually work as a refrigerator. There's too many details here already Your basic idea is that you have a bottle that will give you the personality of an animal I guess that you put in there for a few hours, and that's it. That's all your real anomaly is That's the base core. That's where every wait what I was Just glanced down at the experiment and it looks like it completely Negates everything you said me scroll up here a little bit here Yeah, you totally say that if you put it in the refrigerator and it'll come out in the freezer And it will be the same. It'll be the same. It just moves Unless you meant something else by as they do any other object of their kind which I still I mean Maybe I'm misreading that anyway. We've got our Discovery which by the way, have you noticed that discovery logs tend to have huge amounts of Censorship for absolutely no reason as well. Like you can get through most of the article like I will I will still not like the two other Censorships, but at least they're well spaced When you get to the discovery on something like this and it always happens because nobody wants to put an actual place or a date or Exact numbers for some fucking reason. They just decide that is the line that they draw So it's black box, Australia in 19 black box two kids ages black box and black box black box went out I mean, what does this do for you? What is this? What does this improve the piece? Does this make it better? Or does this just allow you to be lazy and not look up a town in Australia in 1959 where they're Not 1959 probably because I don't think that brand existed 1959, but 1999 let's say 1991 whatever But still come on like see that that's you see what I just did there where it took pieces of information and made it internally Consistent that makes your world deeper. I did it automatically. You need to learn to do that automatically And I could be wrong by the way about that brand I might it might have existed as far back as 1959 it may you look it up You look up your brand how old is it and then you can put that information in and your world becomes more deep And you can even look and see if that brand was available in Australia Anyway, you so the kids went into the refrigerator. What why I'm sorry I'm reading ahead and I'm not actually reading it out loud Okay, so the kids jump in the refrigerator end up in the freezer end up turned into bottles So we're not talking animals anymore Maybe I think that may been where I was getting anything because I just assumed that people wouldn't be going into a refrigerator But no, we're not talking about animals here We're talking mostly about people and in this particular case it was children because of course it was children That's how we make it real scary. I say over and over declared missing the same day and the search party was sent Here's the part that gets really fucking weird The search party found the thing with the freezer and it contained two instances of the Blacklit or red or black liquid, whatever the fuck it was With the children's names marked on to the bottles now This next sentence. I want you to I'm gonna say it and I want it to sink in I want you to just Breathe it in breathe it in. This is this is what happens. So two kids go missing Police officers are called they find this sit They find this refrigerator and in this refrigerator is a dark liquid in a bottle two of them actually for two children There were two children gone. It's got the names of the two children on it next sentence One of the officers drank one of the instances of SCP xxxx-1 and went into a coma Just drink that in that is a real thing that someone thought was plausible I uh, I found this here bottle and it's got it's got the kids names on it I'm just gonna give it a drink. You know just to see what happened mmm Upon waking the officer started to talk and act like one of the missing children Foundation was contacted and retrieved the object I When wrote that and they felt that it seemed realistic that is a real sequence of events that is totally possible They found a bottle with a child's name on it and a dark colored liquid inside And I do thought you know what I'm thirsty Anyway Oh, we all go a little mad sometimes Jesus fucking Christ, this is for real. This is a real thing someone wrote They were curious I'm just gonna move on I could be doing this all day We were curious about it. He is this is anomalous abilities abilities of course don't never use the word abilities Makes it sound like it's it's giving superpowers or something Five experiment five exactly five experiments were approved and carried out as soon as possible Again, there's a bunch of censorship here. That means fuck all from done And the letter is from Dr. Black Box, of course You know, I think a lot of new writers do when they do the Dr. Black Box thing They wanted to create because I know I did this in my very first article like way way way back the one I ended up getting deleted. It's actually the very first thing I did a harsh critique on I Wanted to put my own character Dr. Sumerian in the article and then I thought better of it and I black boxed it out And I garing goddamn to you that half the time that's what happens with these black boxes Now despite the fact that this article told us very clearly that nothing weird happens with non-living animals Here's some tests a standard number two pencil And it comes out as a pink eraser with no brand Super interesting glad I read that that was useful and helpful information that totally kept me engaged in your article and put a single mature Liathannis anus Listen as a common sunflower when you make an experiment along you have to consider what you're trying to communicate to an audience because This isn't communicating anything useful glass of chocolate milk turns into a glass of strawberry milk a bottle of Coca-Cola turns into a Molar of an unknown species first. Well, how do you know for sure that it's a molar if it's an unknown species? It may look similar to a molar But you can't be sure that it is a molar and the DNA does not match any Quote-unquote sort of creature found on earth huh After analyzing for an extended period of time and decided it would be safe to classify this Euclid Fourth experiment told us that the outputs of the object don't have to originate from our world Due to this all experiments have halted until further notice in order to not accidentally create something that could cause an Xk-class or end-of-the-world scenario. All right, fuck off. Just fuck off with this thing. I'm done. I'm good. Thanks a lot Man, I still can't get over that police officer just finds a bottle missing kids Finds a bottle with the missing kids name on it with a dark liquid inside and Drinks it. 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