 Yes, it's the new transcribed Aberdeen Costello show with a new-thinking discovery Susan Miller and Maddie Mellon McFarkin for a new and truly Michael Roy. So hold on to your chairs, folks, for here they are, but Aberdeen, Luke Costello! All right, Costello, I hear Uncle Mike is raising ducks now on his ranch. Oh, yes, he's got a lot of them. What chance have I got of having a duck egg? Not much, unless you're a duck. Well, forget about your relatives. Did you play golf with Susan Miller yesterday? Yes, and she knows how to use a mashe and a putter. Oh, that's good. How does she use the wood? I don't know, we just played golf. Hey, what's the matter with your foot? I hit my big toe with a mid-iron. Well, what are you doing for it? Lipping. Limp? Lump at your face. How did you get it so dirty? It's covered with grease. Well, I did follow the instructions when I changed the oil on Susan's car. Well, how did you get your face so smooth? Well, it says, when changing oil, old oil in your car, be sure and let it drain in your pants. If I were Susan Miller, I wouldn't be seen with you. You are the biggest idiot I ever met. You're just saying that because you don't get around much. And certainly, I don't care what you think of it. Susan loves me. She's my abar, abar girl. Abar, abar. Yes, that's hubba hubba spelled backwards. Susan's got it coming and going. Now wait, Costello. Relax and listen a minute. My friend here has something interesting to say. I want to pass along an opinion of lubrication experts. Among these authorities, the consensus is that 80% of all engine failure is the result of improper or insufficient lubrication. Yes, four times out of five once let's go, faulty lubrication is the villain. Because our PDQ dealers understand this, and because they know how much a proper lube job can save you from preventing needless wear and breakdown, PDQ dealers take special pride in their PDQ factory method lubrication. This system duplicates exactly the recommendation of the engineers who designed and built your car. Your car is much too valuable a piece of machinery for careless experimentation. So you'd best drop in and have your PDQ dealer do that lubrication job. He knows what he's doing, he knows how important it is, and he uses the PDQ system. The type, weight, and amount of lubrication specified by the men who built your car. And now, Abbott and Costello. Manny Melnick and his orchestra present the smiling undertaker's theme song, Diga Diga Do. Diga Diga Do. Costello, where are you? I'm out here on fine-stream taking my California driving test. Here I am. Is that anybody here? Never mind. What's the idea of running out in the middle of the show and taking a driver's test? Oh, you have to, Abbott. You've got to watch these California traffic laws. Last week I got arrested for walking in my sleep. How could they arrest you for walking in your sleep? Never mind. Do you dream while you're sleeping? When you're walking in your sleep, Lou? Oh, yes. Last night I dreamed I was walking to a park with Hedy Lamar. We sat down on the bench. I put my arms around her. She put her arms around me. I lifted her face to mine and kissed her. And then? Then I looked into her lovely eyes and said, Hedy, what about going steady? And what did she say? She said, suit yourself, big boy. It's your dream. Good evening, gentlemen. I'm the star salesman for Hemmy Wallace's new book, 60 Million Jobs. Well, what can I do for you? Could you tell me where I could find employment? That's not a step, you folks. There's middle and initialist Pete. What does the P stand for? Description. First time his old man saw him, he took a powder. Yeah, just jealous him, Costella, because he has talent. Come out here, Norman. What do you want, sir, bud? I want to show Costella how talented you are. Recite that poem you wrote last night by yourself. Okay, Uncle Bud, go ahead. This is for the people who like seafood. January is a month with an R in it, and so are the months that follow it. If you've been holding an oyster in your mouth all winter, now is the time to swallow it. I'm proud of that boy, Costella. He's doing great. And as soon as I can find a new straight man, you're going with him. Never mind that. How about paying me back for a year of $14, you old man? I'm going to count for every cent of it. Here, I'll figure it out on this blackboard. Now, let me see, I spent $8, and that'd be $6. Now, $8 goes into $6. $8 goes into $6. Wait a minute, $8 won't go into $6. There's no use in forcing it. Suppose we start over and carry $2. Carry $2? Yes, we'll split the work. You carry $1 and I'll carry $1. Now, my $1 equals X, and your $1 equals 0. Now, I put that on X, then a no, then a next, then a no, then another X, then a no. Wait a minute, what are you doing? Hey, how do you like that? I just beat myself playing tic-tac-toe. Well, it's Susan Miller. Oh, hello, Susan. You know I've been trying to get you on a phone? I don't think you tried to get me at all. In fact, I've been telephoning your house all week. Monday night, I called your house and somebody said you were taking a bath. Monday night? Yes. Brother, did you have the wrong number? Don't pay any attention to costellers. Why don't you and I step out tonight? We'll go to some little quiet spot. You'll find that I'm very romantic with candlelight and a glass of wine. You wouldn't be romantic with a flashlight and a barrel of beer. Come on out with me, Susan, if you really want to live. I'll kiss you until the cows come home. With you around, costellers, it's going to be hard to tell when the cows arrive. Oh, that was a good one, brother. I wonder whatever happened to Pinky Lee. Abbott, I'm supposed to get the lad that's hitting below the belt. Well, Costello, that's where most of you is. This is scarily sharp tonight. All right, Abbott, go ahead. You and Susan tell the funny stuff. I'll set fire to these old rubber boots. Costello, won't that smell up the studio? Yes, but nobody will notice it while you two are on. Remember, Costello, I'm the guy that makes you funny. I can tell jokes better than you. Oh, boy, God, go ahead and show him. All right, Costello. I'll say to you, I've got a goat at my home that hasn't any nose. And you say, how does it smell? And I tell upon the end. Now, come on. Okay. Put the okay. And that's all you had to think of. It was okay. Okay, go ahead. Hello, Costello. I've got a goat over at my house that hasn't any nose. Is that so? What is that so? You're supposed to say to me, how does it go to smell? I'll try it again. Costello, I've got a goat at my house that hasn't any nose. Well, Costello, ask him how it smells. I don't have to. I've been to his house. All right. Why don't you give him a chance? Now, go ahead. Give him a straight line. He knows all the answers. All right. Abbott, what's the difference between? Between what? See that? He's a colleague. Temporal little thing like what's the difference between? All right, so you're a wise guy, Costello. I'll bet you $10 you're not here. You got a bet. Put up the money. All right. Now you're not in Cleveland, are you? No, but I got an answer that was here. You're not in Chicago, are you? No. Well, if you're not in Cleveland and you're not in Chicago, then you must be someplace else. That's right. Well, if you're someplace else, you can't be here. I win the $10. Thank you. Hey, that's a good one. That's pretty good. Susan, does Abbott know anything about this? No. Here's where I get my $10 back and send more besides. Hey, Abbott, come on over here, man. What do you want, bro? Abbott, I'll bet you $20. I'm not here. I'm not here. I'm looking right at you yet. Go ahead. Here's the $20. All right. There you are. Now watch this. Abbott, I'm not in Cleveland, are you? No. I'm not in Chicago, am I? No. Well, if I'm not in Cleveland and I'm not in Chicago, then I must be someplace else. That's right. Right? Well, if I'm someplace else, then I can't be here. Well, let's try. Right? Thank you. I'll take you $20. Yes, a minute. Yes, a minute. Oh, hold on there. You just said you were someplace else. And you weren't here, didn't you? Yes, and you're supposed to give me the $20. How can I give you the $20 if you're not here? Well, uh, how do I get the money? Tell me where you are and I'll mail it to you. You know, so soon you got me into this, make Abbott give me back my $20. All right. I'll make him give it back on one condition. You give me a riddle that I can't answer. Okay. What is it that has eight legs? It's 12 feet long, wears glasses, flies backwards, carries a bottle of ketchup in one hand, and carries a baseball bat in the left hand. And that's 376. What is it? Well, I'm sorry. Abbott, give him back the $20. All right. Here's the money, Custello. Now, what's the answer? Answer? I had a tough enough time making up the riddle. That was one of my father's jokes. Oh, well, what are you, one of your mothers? That's it, Abbott. I'm through with that, Susan Miller. I'm through with all girls. Telegram for Lou Costello. Telegram for Lou Costello. I'm Lou Costello. You're Lou Costello? Yes. The famous movie actor? That's me. The great comedian that found the air every once in a night? That's me. Well, what are they raving about? Give me the telegram. Mr. Costello, would you give me your autograph? I should have said I'd been giving my autographs all year. You've got five of my autographs now. Yeah, and when I get six of yours, I can trade them for one of Trigger's footprints. Here's one of my footprints. Oh, my name. Who's the telegram from? Hey, look at this. It's from that famous Hollywood columnist, Erskine Johnson. Get a load of this. Dear Lou, I have chosen you from all my dear friends to help me dig up some dirt. I will be over to see you this evening. Hey, Abbott, I better get busy. This is my opportunity. I'll be famous as a newspaper man. What are you talking about? Erskine Johnson wants me to help him dig up some dirt. And he's coming over here tonight. That doesn't give me much time. Gee, think of it, Abbott. We're going to have Erskine the famous columnist right here in the studio. Hey, here I am, comrades. Hello, flickers. Let's take the United States and set it up into little bitty pieces. A piece for you, a piece for me, a piece for you, and you, and you. Wait a minute, wait a minute. You're not Erskine Johnson, the columnist. Columnist? I thought you said communist. Abbott, just a second. You'll be back with a nonsense in the flick of an eyelash, folks, after a few comments on this subject. Ladies and gentlemen, we at this very moment are face-to-face with February, one free day in 28th. Well, this is leap year. And by special arrangement with the calendar makers, PDQ is happy to announce that this year you'll get not an extra weekday, not an extra workday, although I must stand closer to the mic, but an extra Sunday, an extra day of rest and recreation, you will not again have an extra Sunday on your February calendar until that dim and distant year of 1976. In the observance of this event, PDQ invites you to drive in to the PDQ station of your own choice and buy a tank full of PDQ gasoline to profit by PDQ's sensational offer of extra mileage in each and every gallon. Thrilled at a well-documented proof in highway road and hill test standback, man, I gotta wave my arms. That for miraculous mileage, stretching economy, for pain-proof, power-packed performance, exceedingly acceptable acceleration, there is no gas, not one, like PDQ. Now, the Abbott and PDQ could tell you. Here's the singing star of the Abbott and PDQ show, Susan Miller, singing exactly like you, and sometimes even better. I know why I've waited Know why I'd ignite for someone Exactly like you Why should we spend money On a show or two? No one does those lovely Exactly like you You make me feel so great For someone Exactly like you You ignite for someone No one does those lovely Exactly like you You make me feel so great I'm so happy now, I'm a real loose paper man. I'm gonna help Erskine Johnson dig up the dirt. Costella, Erskine Johnson's got him. It's all about Hollywood. Now, to help him, you'll have to interview people. Get around them. And how would you get around Van Johnson? By flattery. Good. Now, how would you get around Jimmy Stewart? By sincerity. That's fine. And how would you get around Sydney Green Street? By bus. Costella, you've got to have inside information If you're going to be of any help, Erskine Johnson. Well, I got all the inside stuff out. Princess, I happen to know that the Chicago Fire was started by a horse. Now that's ridiculous. Everyone knows that the Chicago Fire was started by a cow. That's what you think. This horse had friends on the paper and they kept his name out of it. You'll have to get a lot of... You'll have to go to a lot of parties and keep track of who's there, Lou. I went to a party last night. There was one guy there who tried to kiss all the girls. He tried to kiss every girl on the place at 2 o'clock in the morning. They finally threw him out. Was the party better after that? I don't know. I couldn't get back in. Now, there's one good thing about being a Cardiff. When you go to a nightclub, you can eat on the cob. Yes. And that's... What did you say I could eat? On the cob. You eat on the cob. Why can't I eat on the table like anybody else? You eat on the table. But everything you eat is on the cob. Just a second. Suppose I have fried eggs, baked beans, succotations, a piece of apple pie. Does all that stuff go on the cob? What's that doing? What a slob I turned out to be. There I sit dragging my sleeves through the mashed potatoes. Cassella, eating on the cob is just a part of a columnist's grave. How do you like that? Now he's splashing gravy on my cob. Cassella, when a columnist goes to the nightclub, he eats on the cob. That's gravy. He doesn't have to pay for it. Well, if all he has is cups and gravy, he shouldn't pay for it. Before they invite you to eat off the cob, they will probably ask you to have a drink on the house. Well, that's different. I mean, after all... What did you say again? I said they'll ask you to have a drink on the house. But if I gotta climb up on a house, they're gonna drink the heck with it. When I say you eat on the cob, the cob you eat on is not like the cob you have on your cob. And when you drink on the house, you don't really drink on the house. The house gives you the drink, so that makes you the drink on the house. Oh, you mean when I eat on a cob? The cob I eat on is not like the cob I have on my cob. So when I drink on the house, I really go drink on a house. The house can see the drink, so that makes the drink on the house. How do you get it? If I got it, I caught it from you. You'd better get out and scare up the news. Erskine Johnson is coming right over here tonight. And he said in his wire he wanted you to dig up some dirt. On my first column, I'm gonna get Johnson to put in a big picture of Jane Russell. Well, do you think that will help Erskine's circulation? No, but it should do a lot of good for mine. You still don't have an exclusive item. Now, I've got a tip that the famous screen couple, Ronald Flashback and his wife, Millicent, are separating. Come on. Let's go over to their house. Come on. My, they have a lovely house here, Custella. Look at the gorgeous flowers. I'd say they were lilies. They look more like Pallagornian geraniums. Pallagornian geraniums? How do you spell that? They're lilies. Go ahead, ring the bell. Now I know what happened to that lucky strike commercial. Good evening, gentlemen. Oh, good evening, Mrs. Flashback. I'm but Abbot, and this is Luke Custella. We're here for Erskine Johnson, and we're here to interview in your house. How nice. Won't you come in? Thank you. Lovely place you have here. We noticed a lilies coming up to front walk. I'll take lilies coming up to front walk again. I'll tell them to use the bathroom. Mrs. Flashback, let's get on with the interview. Now, where did you first meet your husband? I met a man at the bus. He was a perfect gentleman. The bus was crowded, and he got up and gave me a seat. Then, the bus crashed. What happened? He was the bus driver. You mean the great movie star, Ronald Flashback, with a bus driver? Oh, yes, it hasn't been easy for us. Before Ronald got his big break in the movie, I had a wicked way for him to drive in. It was terrible. In five years, I didn't wait on a single car. Why? That was before automobiles were invented. I know how it is, Mrs. Flashback. When my uncle Mike and Aunt make him out of here, things are so tough. He had to hack his watch. Then there was nothing left to hack. He hacked my Aunt May. Yes. For three years, he worked to save his money. He went back to that hawk shop. There was my Aunt May sitting in the window. He went to that hawk shop. And he took out Aunt May? No, he took out his watch. Mrs. Flashback, Costello's interested in the room that you and Ronald are doing to separate. I heard you slept his face in a nightclub. You gossiped, gossiped, gossiped, nothing but Hollywood gossip. Nothing could be further from the truth. Then you didn't slap his face in a nightclub. Of course not. I hit him on the head with a champagne bottle. You see, I'm just a family squabble. Aunt May often wallops Uncle Mike, but they always patch it up. Yeah, with hugs and kisses. No, with band-aids and me-cara-coons. Oh, here comes Ronald now. Now, if you watch this, Costello, and you see how wrong that room was. Ronald! Love Boat! Green Boat! Angel Boat! Humboat! Steam Boat! All aboard the steam boat! All aboard the steam boat! I had to tell her. Oh, my darling, my sweet darling. Without you, I am lost. I need you. No, without you, I'm lost. We need each other. I'm lost without you. I'm lost without you. Go ahead, go ahead. I'm lost too. I can't find my place. I am lost. Thank you. Here it is. What peace you need is a road map. I should have stayed lost. I should have stayed long! On the record. And I love you, and I'll put that on the record. Not a patrilla hears you, you won't. Mrs. Glashback, I'm convinced that you two are not separating. Repop, my wife is the only woman in the world that means anything to me. Then that blonde you are holding hands with at zero means nothing? Nothing. So you were out with a blonde. And who told me you went to the studio looking over some lines? He was looking over some lines, alright, but they weren't at the studio. Why, you know good two-tonning heroes. Darling, darling, put down that vase, it's worth $5,000. I'll take 10 cents, that's worth. Please, Millicent, this fact's not headed in his paper, and it's with his a liar. I want him to the blonde I swear to us. Would you take him out? Certainly, if I was out of the blonde, may this building fall down and hit me on the head. Well, Castella, we sure got an exclusive story for Erskine Johnson's college. Hey, Adam, it's Erskine Johnson. Hello, boys, did you get my wire, Castella? I'll say, and I got stuff for you, Erskine. Hey, do you know that Universal at the National is making a picture about the beautiful sunshine in California weather? Really? Where are they shooting it? In Phoenix, Arizona. Hello, Lamar. But look, boys, I came here... Erskine, last night I was out with Eddie Lamar, and I whispered in the rear. Do you know what she said to me? No. How did you guess? Look, Castella, I came here to ask you... Erskine, Castella is just thrilled to death to be helping you. Could you give him some pointers on being a toddler? Well, it takes a lot of perseverance. For example, you want to interview Olivia to have her, and you've got to park yourself on her doorstep. And then the only way she can get in is to walk over you. And that'll make you a columnist. That would make me a doormat. Say, Erskine, did you see our new picture, the new Shanghai? Sure, I saw it at a peace preview in Azusa, and it was a hallowing success. It was? Sure, everybody was hallowing for their money back. That's a good one. That's a good one. Erskine, when do I start working on your column? You're working on my column? What are you talking about? Can you send me a telegram telling me that you wanted me to help you dig up some dirt? Oh, sure, Lou. You see, I'm building a swimming pool in my backyard, and I thought if you weren't doing anything Saturday, you might come over and help me dig up some dirt. You want me to dig dirt in your backyard? You want me to be a common shoveler? Well, I thought... Erskine. Erskine Johnson. I leave you with two words. What two words? Jimmy Simpson. Oh, no! Don't go away, folks. Our stars will be back. But first, they'd like you to listen to this. A repair bill on your car always comes with something of a shock. And so, very, very often, motor trouble is an expense and a nuisance that could have been headed off. Authorities say that about four out of five cases of engine failure are due to neglected or improper lubrication. Knowing this, you want to have your car regularly checked, regularly cared for by a man who is an expert in his own right, a man who knows and uses the finest oils and lubricants, a man who uses the factory maintenance recommendations for your particular car. That man is your neighborhood independent PDQ dealer. He expects to stay there and build his business by taking the finest care of your car. Many thousands of motorists depend on their neighborhood PDQ dealer for sound advice on all motoring problems. For money-saving, regular PDQ service, it gives you more miles for every dime you spend. For satisfaction, every mile you drive. Better get acquainted with your neighborhood PDQ dealer. You'll enjoy doing business with it. And now, Avid and Costello. And now here are Avid and Costello with a final word. Well, Costello, I'm convinced you'll never be a newspaper man. Oh, what do I care? I'll stick to acting. I'm a great lover. I kiss better than anybody in the movies. What makes you think you kiss are good. All I gotta do is walk down the street and all the girls say, there goes Costello, what a kisser. Oh, good night, folks. Good night. Good night, everybody. Here's an E-Climate tonight at this time for another great Avid and Costello show. Produced and transcribed in Hollywood by Charles Vanda and featuring Susan Miller and Matty Malnick Orchestra. This is Michael Roy saying goodbye until this same time next Wednesday. This is ABC, the American broadcasting company. It's 8.30 at KECA Los Angeles.