 Section 57 of Mark Twain and the New York Times Part IV. 1900–1906. This LibriVox recording is in the public domain read by John Greenman. June 5, 1902. Degree for Mark Twain. Missouri University makes him a doctor of laws. The humorist eulogizes himself in a manner which greatly amuses those who hear him. Special to the New York Times. Columbia, Missouri June 4. The graduating exercises of the State University of Missouri took place today. The program included several special attractions. The feature was the conferring of honorary degrees of LLD to a number of distinguished personages, including Mark Twain, the humorist, James Wilson, Secretary of Agriculture, Ethan Allen Hitchcock, Secretary of the Interior, B. T. Galloway, Chief of the Bureau of Plant Industry, and Robert S. Brookings of St. Louis. Mark Twain was the center of attraction, since his arrival from Hannibal yesterday he has been given a continual round of banquets, dinners, and similar entertainments, and when he appeared in chapel this morning he looked fatigued, but was otherwise in fine spirits. Mr. Clemens, attired in a Yale scholastic gown, led the graduating procession in its march to the stage, and conferred the diplomas upon the graduates. All the exercises were made as brief as possible. The distinguished humorist gave the audience a treat of humorous stories, personal anecdotes, and humorous remarks at the expense of the other distinguished visitors, in whose company he received the degrees. The conferring of the degrees was especially interesting, each of the ones thus honored, responding with a few remarks appropriate to the occasion. Before the degree of Doctor of Laws was formally conferred upon Mark Twain, Gardner Lathrop read a statement introducing the author to the audience, containing many references to his work and characteristics of his genius. Mr. Clemens stepped to the center of the stage and paused. He seemed to be hesitating whether to make a talk or retire with a few remarks. Suddenly and without a signal the great audience arose as one man and stood in silence at the feet of the man who wrote Tom Sawyer. Mr. Clemens bowed and remained silent. Then the audience began a peculiar chant, spelling slowly the word Missouri, with a pause between each letter. It was a solemn sound, and the effect was strongly impressive. The humorous said that he was in doubt as to whether a speech was expected or only a few remarks. He was not left in doubt very long. With one will the audience demanded a speech and were so insistent that it would have been extremely difficult to decline, but it is doubtful if Mark Twain wished to do so. His speech was playful, satirical, and at times pathetic, including personal anecdotes, funny stories of a great variety, and much that was serious and all told with great earnestness. He referred with much feeling to his recent visit to his old home and friends and said that though it had cost him an aching heart he would not have missed experiencing those sacred emotions even if he could have avoided them. He touched humorously upon the matter of his degree and said that while he fully deserved the honour and was glad to get it, he was very much afraid that it might have aroused jealousy among his enemies. He said that when he received his degree in an eastern college as a doctor of literature, much jealousy of a most reprehensible nature was created among those who envied his intellect and ability and that one man wrote to him asking him what he knew about literature. Another man wished to know if a doctor of literature meant a man who was able to doctor his own literature and others asked similar mean questions which only proved their jealousy of spirit and envy of a deserving man. Mr. Clemens referred to Mr. Lathrop, who had read such a glowing eulogy on the humorist as the ambassador, and expressed his regret that the latter had neglected so splendid an opportunity to tell the real truth instead of contenting himself with compliments. Mr. Clemens told a watermelon story that greatly amused his audience and a few jokes on Secretary Wilson and others that were highly characteristic of the humorist. Though he began his talk rather sadly, he was in a merry mood before he had completed. He finally launched forth into a eulogy on himself, delivered so seriously and with such a straight face that the audience were almost tempted to take him at his word and refrain from laughing when the laugh came in. "'Since I have been in Missouri,' said the speaker, "'I have distributed more wisdom than ever before and I am sure that much good will result from my visit. I have had many honours conferred upon me, but I deserve them all. I sometimes suspect when you confer these honours you mean it as a sort of hint that I have been with you long enough. Some of the Eastern colleges seem to be rather in a hurry about getting me out of the way and began conferring honours upon me years ago. But as I stated before, I deserve them all and am always willing to accept anything in the way of honours that you have to offer.'" Mark Twain will leave at noon tomorrow for St. Louis. During his stay in Columbia he has been the guest of E. W. Stevens, the proprietor of a paper here. A dinner was given in his honour tonight by his host and there were twelve invited guests. End of Section 57, June 5, 1902, Degree for Mark Twain, read by John Greenman. Section 58 of Mark Twain in the New York Times, Part IV, 1900 through 1906. This LibriVox recording is in the public domain read by John Greenman. June 7, 1902. Editorial, Mark Twain's Farewell and Mark Twain's Farewell Speech in St. Louis, Missouri. Mark Twain's Farewell? It is reported that Dr. Clemens, after the variegated and admirable speech recently made by him on receiving his latest degree, announced that it was his last appearance as a speaker in public. We must all hope that it is only the first of a long series of last appearances. Probably there is no genius now known to the English-speaking world who can impart such vitality to a pleasantry of ripe age as can Mark Twain. Let us trust that he is illustrating this happy facility in the present instance and that his announcement is but an incident in the continuous exercise of his unique and precious function in this generation. We have many humorists of more or less distinction in occasional talk. There are some who have aspired to association and even to rivalry with him. Some of them have approached him on a few of the many sides he has turned to a delighted public. No one has attained his rank. No one is so familiar and so uniformly surprising. Of no one can we be so sure that he will be funny and so utterly at a loss to predict what form or direction his fun will take. It would be a great pity if at future entertainments his turn should be missing. Everyone will read with pleasure the accounts of Dr. Clemens' material prosperity and hope that they are far short of the fact. He has proved his possession of the rarest claim to fortune, the capacity to face deprivation and hard work for the satisfaction of his own conscience, and his emancipation from even indirect responsibility for losses incurred through him. His title is very clear to the best that can possibly come to him, and of course he is entitled to repose if he wishes it, but it is hard to connect his retirement from the public stage with the notion of repose. He has borne his part with such ease and apparent spontaneity. It has seemed so much more natural for him to talk in his own way than to keep silent, that one can imagine his self-repression only as an act of self-denial. It would certainly be unkindness to the public for whom he has so long been indulgent. We prefer to regard his announced intention as a practical joke, which, like most practical jokes, has in it an element of cruelty. Mark Twain's Farewell He bids dramatic adieu to the Mississippi River, special to the New York Times, St. Louis, June 6. Mark Twain bought a dramatic farewell to the Mississippi River, where he earned his pen name, this afternoon. He piloted the harbour boat, with a distinguished party on board, for more than half an hour. Luncheon was served, and Mayor Wells made a speech. Then the Countess de Rochambeau took a bottle of champagne from the hand of ex-Governor Francis, and broke it on the deck, saying, I christen thee, good boat! Mark Twain! In his response Mr. Clemens said, I wish to offer my thanks for the honour done me by naming this last rose of summer of the Mississippi Valley for me, this boat which represents a perished interest, which I fortified long ago, but whose life I did not save. And in the first place I wish to thank the Countess de Rochambeau for the honour she has done me in presiding at this christening. I believe that it is peculiarly appropriate that I should be allowed the privilege of joining my voice with the general voice of St. Louis and Missouri in welcoming to the Mississippi Valley and this part of the Continent these illustrious visitors from France. I consider it just and right that I should be allotted this from the fact that for many years I have represented the people of the United States without special request and without salary as special ambassador to the world. We owe much to the French and I am sure that we will always remember and shall never regret it. We are glad to welcome these visitors here to show them the results of what was done long ago by their ancestors and we are glad to point out the fact that St. Louis is a French city. When LaSalle came down this river a century and a quarter ago there was nothing on its banks but savages. He opened up this great river and by his simple act was gathered in this great Louisiana territory. I would have done it myself for half the money. The name of LaSalle will last as long as the river itself will last until commerce is dead. We have allowed the commerce of the river to die but it was to accommodate the railroads and we are grateful. We have here with us a man who tells me he knew this river in the early ages Pierre Choteau who says that he can remember when he could jump over it and I believe that statement because he made it. Under no other circumstances would I. I have come across a quality of veracity here in St. Louis which is new to me. It is the development of these later ages. I must call your attention to the fact that on this boat you are quite safe. I am here with the knowledge acquired long ago with the peculiarities of these waters which is so pleasant to the strangers from the color it bears and from its taste but you will have to take the testimony of others for that. Now the governor and the mayor have utilized their opportunities to advertise the world's fair and I have taken the occasion to advertise myself so there is nothing remaining but to again extend that welcome to our illustrious guests and to assure them that that welcome is heartfelt and sincere and I am sure that we will spread open to them wide the doors of the whole continent. End of Section 58, June 7, 1902. Mark Twain's Farewell and Editorial and Mark Twain's Farewell Read by John Greenman Section 59 of Mark Twain in the New York Times Part 4 1900 through 1906. This LibriVox recording is in the public domain read by John Greenman. June 8, 1902. Mark Twain, among scenes of his early life, met at the station in St. Louis by Captain Horace Bixby whom he paid as a boy to learn him the river. He greets old pilot friends, his career on the Mississippi. Mark Twain has been revisiting the scenes of his early life. He arrived in St. Louis a few days ago and was met at the train by Captain Horace Bixby who is described in Life on the Mississippi and is prominent among the Rivermen of St. Louis and who, away back in the fifties, endeavored to teach the pilot business to Mark Twain. Why, Horace, you are as young as ever! said Mark Twain as he grasped the hand of his friend. It's a curious thing to leave a man thirty-five years old and come back at the end of twenty-one years and find him still thirty-five. The two friends went to the planters' hotel and had a long chat. The news got around St. Louis that Mark Twain was in town and later in the day when he descended to the lobby of the hotel he held a reception which, said the St. Louis Republic, looked as if some official dignitary were visiting St. Louis. Then he went across Fourth Street from the planters to the rooms of the Pilots Society. There the Rivermen had gathered in force and, royally, they welcomed back a long-lost brother. A short address was made and a handshake exchanged all round. Captain Bixby escorted him to meet the Pilots, among whom were Captain Ed L. Fultreson, Captain Beck Jolly, Joe Coral, Commodore Rolling Pin, Carter, Captain Jesse Jamison, Captain Bill Kelly, Captain Ed Callahan, Captain Tony Burbank, Captain Fred Walsh, and Captain Ed West, nearly all of whom were associated with Sam Clemens on the river forty years ago. At noon George J. Tansy, president of the Merchants' Exchange, escorted Mark Twain to the exchange where he was introduced to many and where he made a short address. He said that the sudden call upon him had found him without a text upon which to base his remarks. Of Mr. Tansy's introductory words Mark Twain said, Mark Twain's speech, It is very embarrassing to listen to personal compliments, but doubly embarrassing when the recipient of them feels that they are deserved. Mr. Tansy said very many nice things about me, but there are many other things which he might have said, but which, no doubt, slipped his mind. After lunching at the planters, Mark Twain took a cab for a Union Station where he departed for Hannibal, his boyhood home. He looked forward with much interest to his two or three days stay in Hannibal and hoped there to meet many other old friends and perhaps seek out the localities which are the setting for much of Huckleberry Finn. Asked before leaving what he thought of St. Louis, he replied that it was like coming to a strange American city. Everything is changed, said he. The high, massive building have made quite a different place of it. When I was here last in 84 there were still some vestiges of the city which I knew before the war. These are now gone. As his train sped along the elevated tracks and the broad river came within view, he gazed upon it pensively. Asked what he thought of it now, he replied, It's very natural. It's the same river. He seemed impressed with the dignity of becoming a doctor of laws whose degree is to be conferred upon him June 4 by Missouri State University and he was especially flattered since he did not have to work for it. That is the colossal thing about it, he said. He doctored laws. Have you ever doctored laws, he was asked. Yes, cab laws, he said. I doctored the cab laws in London and New York. The cabbies overcharged and I simply made them come down by calling official attention to the fact. The truth is, however, that the laws do not need to be doctored so much as the enforcement of them needs to be doctored. Mark Twain emphatically denies that he was a bad pilot. Asked concerning this report he said, Who is it that claims I was a bad pilot? The fellow that said that never was a pilot himself. He don't know anything about me or piloting. He don't know where the Missouri empties into the Mississippi. He don't know a lumber raft from a packet. The story of Mark Twain's years upon the river when he sought to rise high in the ranks of pilotism is the story of a man with a sense of humor who tackled a tough proposition. Learning Piloting There are more kinks in a pilot's business than kinks in the Mississippi itself. Yet in addition the pilot must know all these twists of the river which Mark found out to his sorrow. He had some notion of the printing business when he met Captain Bixby on the Ohio River in 1857. Having left his Hannibal home in search of both a career and venture he had landed in Cincinnati. And that Cincinnati had conceived the idea of a voyage to Central America or South America, either one, with a vision of an expedition up the Amazon prospecting for El Dorado or some more tangible goldmine. He set out upon his voyage with $30 capital. He was to go from Cincinnati to New Orleans upon the steamer Paul Jones which many years after he dubbed an ancient tub for the sum of $16, said he. I had the scarred and tarnished splendors of her main saloon principally to myself, for she was not a creature to attract the idea of wiser travelers. Nevertheless dawdling down to New Orleans on the Paul Jones must have awakened fascination for the great yellow torrent of mud which is facetiously named the father of waters. In Life on the Mississippi Mark Twain explains that South American fortune seemed further away at New Orleans than at Cincinnati, that his $30 capital was almost exhausted and that he was forced to look about for a ready money job. Probably for the several reasons indicated when he found that his friend the Paul Jones was a part for St. Louis, he besieged a pilot with whom he had scraped up an acquaintance on the down trip and after three hard days the pilot surrendered. This pilot was Captain Bixby. The captain has his own way of telling this siege. Bixby's story. A pretty good-looking young fellow, said he, was always hanging around the pilot house, said he was going down in Central America or somewhere, but when we got down to New Orleans he came round to me and said that he thought he'd like to learn piloting. Didn't think he'd go to Central America after all. Asked if I wanted to teach him the river. I said that young fellows like him round were more trouble than use. Couldn't think of it. He kept after me anyhow and finally I agreed. He was to pay me $500 for teaching him the river between St. Louis and New Orleans. We drew up a contract, which was put away in the safe of the boat and neither he nor I have seen it to this day. Well, I was with him pretty much all the time for the next three years or until he got his certificate as pilot. I know some say he didn't make much of a pilot, but I think he was about as good as any young fellow of his age. He was about twenty when I first met him. He was a quiet sort of a boy at the time. Of course he had some of that famous drollery and humorous way of looking at things which is celebrated in his writings. I remember when I undertook to teach him I questioned him about his antecedents and other matters. Marks Habits. How are your habits, I asked. Fair, he mumbled. Do you chew? No, don't chew. Very deliberate. Do you drink? No, don't drink. At this he seemed a little uneasy and with a slight twinkle of the eye he continued, but I must smoke. He must smoke to this day. After he left me in the latter part of fifty-nine I saw little of him. He was on board the Alonso Childs, was caught by the Confederates and had quite a time of it. Then he went out to Nevada and to California, then to Honolulu, then to New York and all over the world. How about the five hundred? a reporter asked Captain Bixby. Did he pay that? Paid three hundred, responded the captain. You see the war came on and there wasn't much money to be had. He didn't have any and I didn't. So we just called the other two hundred off. Life on the Mississippi is Mark Twain's narrative of his experiences on the river and Captain Bixby's name frequently enters. Like Captain Bixby, Mark Twain has his own way of describing that three years grapple with the science of piloting. I supposed, said Mark Twain, that all a pilot had to do was to keep his boat in the river. And I did not consider that that would be much of a trick since it was so wide. The river's habits. But it proved to be more of a trick and nearer a science than the pilot novitiate thought. Each eccentric bend in the stream had a name. Each of hundreds of reefs had landings, which had names. The would-be steamboat guide was expected to load his mind with all these names and with a mass of extraneous but practical information about each locality. Moreover, the river's course was constantly changing. New reefs were forming and there were an endless number of boat-destroying snags which were sure to find positions bayonet-like in the most unexpected places. At times Mark Twain was moved to give up the task of acquiring so much dry information, but he was encouraged by Mr. Bixby, who, according to Mark, said, When I say I'll learn a man in the river, I mean it. And you can depend on it. I'll learn him or kill him. J.E.K. Stoats of St. Louis, a close friend of Mark Twain in war times, now past seventy years old and who had not seen him since 1862, was laid in getting downtown and missed his friend at the planters. Though elderly Mr. Stoats set out in pursuit and was just able to board the Burlington train, which was bearing Mark Twain away from the city, he rode with him around to the Washington Avenue station talking of the time when they were boys together. Sam Clemens was a mighty queer boy, we all thought, said Mr. Stoats. He was a quiet fellow who always drawled in his talk so long that it took twice the time in which another man would say a thing. He was always a good friend, though. Other old friends. William G. Waite, now a printer in the St. Louis Republic composing room, worked with Mark Twain in the early fifties when he too was a printer. They were employed in the old evening news office in St. Louis, and the future author worked a year in that capacity. He was a good printer, said Waite, but mighty independent. He was always called that boy by Charles G. Ramsey, proprietor and editor of the news. He'd get down late once in a while, and Ramsey would say, Here's that blank boy late again. Clemens didn't say anything to this for a long time, but one morning he turned on Ramsey and replied, Take your dash situation and go to a warm country. He left the office, and we heard nothing of him for several years. Mark Twain was born at the village of Florida, not far west of Hannibal, Missouri, and it was at Hannibal that he spent his boyhood days. End of Section 59, June 8, 1902, Mark Twain Among Scenes of Early Life, read by John Greenman. Section 60 of Mark Twain in the New York Times, Part 4, 1900 through 1906. This LibriVox recording is in the public domain read by John Greenman. June 18, 1902, General Porter honored at Lotus Club Dinner. Distinguished speakers compliment Ambassador to France. An evening of epigram under gay decorations. General Brooke defends soldiers in the Philippines. General Horace Porter, Ambassador to France, was the guest of honor at a dinner given by the Lotus Club last night. Among those who assembled to do him honor were Frank R. Lawrence, President of the Club and Toastmaster, Major General John R. Brooke, Mark Twain, George H. Daniels, Charles A. Moore, Rear Admiral Barker, and many other prominent citizens. The clubhouse was elaborately decorated with evergreens and flags from the entrance to the rear of the first floor dining hall. Mr. Lawrence announced at the start that there were to be no formal speeches, partly because the guest probably had forgotten the intricacies of the English language by reason of his long absence abroad. General Porter, the Toastmaster said, had been the right man to send as ambassador to a nation of Cavaliers being a great soldier himself and to a people of orators being among the greatest masters of epigram in America. There was a rising toast in the General's honor and then all sang, for he's a jolly good fellow. General Porter said he was glad to see a gavel in use again. He had once presided at a Fourth of July banquet in Paris and had been forced to use an empty wine bottle to call the audience to order. Even the President of the Chamber of Deputies does not use a gavel, he said. When he can't keep the members quiet with his bell, he goes out and gets a bigger one. The gavel is unknown in France. In France, said the General, the people were never able to understand Americans. They thought we ought to have our children, if we had any, paying dividends at the age of two. They would not comprehend the many things America had done, for instance, the deciding on yellow metal for the white races and the winking at white metal for the yellow races, nor had they come to realize that America had been the origin of Mark Twain's works, Chicago pork, and other products of the pen. After the Ambassador had finished talking, Mr. Lawrence introduced General Brooke as the general commanding the army in the division in which we live. Our army in the Philippines has been attacked, said General Brooke, and from that attack it has come out without a blemish to its blades or a stain on its flag, and it has been fighting with those in whom no baser enemy can be found on this earth. I have seen women and children butchered on the frontiers, brave soldiers and frontiersmen burned to a crisp by our own Indians, but we have had plenty of evidence that this is not the worst the soldiers in the Philippines have had to suffer. And yet, have you heard any complaint from them? Any unsolderly word? Not one. They need no defense. But can one refrain from defending them when they have been thus unjustly attacked? Admiral Barker talked next, taking the Navy as his subject and drawing a comparison between the present and the time when people thought that our new fighting ships were built for ornaments. Mark Twain was introduced by the Toastmaster one who had promised to say something if anybody else said anything that would remind him of something. He began by announcing that the Toastmaster had told the truth, not because he was practised in it, but for variety. He himself, he said, had been always a symbol of truth, although nobody had discovered it. He had been glad to hear from Mr. Lawrence the night was the anniversary of the Battle of Bunker Hill, but he would look up the date when he got home, as he was sure no one in the room knew whether the Toastmaster was telling the truth or not. I have more admiration for General Porter, continued Mr. Clemens, than I have for the tax assessors of Tarleton. And they are great. They multiply what you have by seven and then tax. They would tax him on his general appearance if he came there. They even tax me on my chicken coop. If I don't have a chance to vote next time for Theodore Roosevelt, I hope to vote for Porter. William H. McElroy, John S. Wise, and George H. Daniels were the other speakers, and the dinner ended not far on the right side of midnight. The menu discussed during the evening was as follows. Little Neck Clams, Schloss Vollerotter, strained gumbo, quenelle de volet au supprime, Kingfish Porte Montréal, cucumbers, sweet breads à la Rochambeau, moe and chandon brut imperiale, punch la la roque, squab sur canap, château d'Arsac, asparagus vinaigrette, strawberry mousse, piti fours, gorgonzola cheese, apollinaire café. End of Section 60, June 18, 1902, General Porter honored at Lotus Club Dinner, read by John Greenman. Section 61 of Mark Twain in The New York Times Part IV, 1900 through 1906. This LibriVox recording is in the public domain, read by John Greenman. August 20, 1902, Mark Twain protests. One of those who think their property is assessed too highly. Tarleton, New York, August 19. This was grievance day in the towns of Mount Pleasant and Greenberg. Unlike former years, there were very few objections to the assessments. This was due to the fact that in both towns the valuations remained practically the same as last year. Mark Twain was one of those protesting. He had Henry C. Griffin to represent him. When Mr. Clemens purchased his home here he paid $47,000 for it. The village assessors fixed its taxable value at $70,000. There was no protest because he did not know of the assessment until too late to enter objection. The town assessors were more moderate and placed the value at $50,000. Mr. Griffin asked that this be reduced to $45,000, which he asserted was a fair valuation. The City of New York asked that an assessment for $151,000 be entirely stricken off as being improper and illegal. Mrs. George P. Rowell wanted a cut of $5,000 from her assessed real estate at $35,000. The Western Union Telegraph Company asked that its valuation of $22,000 be cut exactly in half. In Mount Pleasant the Rockefellers entered no protest as their properties were assessed at the figures fixed by the courts a few years ago after a long fight with the town board of assessors. No decisions were announced as the boards did not consider the objections simply receiving and filing them. End of Section 61, August 20, 1902 Mark Twain protests. Read by John Greenman. Section 62 of Mark Twain in The New York Times Part IV, 1900 through 1906. This LibriVox recording is in the public domain. Read by John Greenman. September 6, 1902. Mark Twain on Huck Finn. It will be recalled that not long ago the Omaha Public Library barred out Mark Twain's Huckleberry Finn on the ground that its influence upon the youthful mind was pernicious. The Omaha World Herald sent him a telegram which called forth the following characteristic letter. York Beach, Maine, August 23. Dear sir, your telegram has arrived. But as I have already said all I want to say concerning Huck Finn's new adventures there is no need to say it over again. I am making this remark by mail instead of telegram in order to secure speed. Your courtesy requires this promptness of me. Lately it has twice taken a telegraphic dispatch four hours and a quarter to reach me here from Boston a distance of forty or fifty miles. Therefore if I should answer you by that vehicle I estimate that it would be upward of eight days on the wire whereas I can get it to you by mail in two. I am tearfully afraid this noise is doing much harm. It has started a number of hitherto spotless people to reading Huck Finn out of a natural human curiosity to learn what this is all about. People who had not heard of him before people whose morals will go to wreck and ruin now. The publishers are glad but it makes me want to borrow a handkerchief and cry. I should be sorry to think it was the publishers themselves that got up this entire little flutter to enable them to unload a book that was taking too much room in their cellars but you never can tell what a publisher will do. I have been one myself. Mark Twain End of Section 62, September 6, 1902 Mark Twain on Huck Finn Read by John Greenman Section 63 of Mark Twain in The New York Times Part 4 1900 through 1906 This LibriVox recording is in the public domain read by John Greenman October 22, 1902, Mark Twain's joke humorist asks Secretary Shaw for old bonds and green-backs to use as fuel. Washington, October 21 The following letter was received at the Treasury Department this morning New York City, October 3 The Honorable Secretary of the Treasury, Washington, D.C. Sir Prices for the customary kinds of winter fuel having reached the altitude which puts them out of the reach of literary persons in straightened circumstances I desire to place with you the following order 45 tons best old dry government bonds suitable for furnace Gold, 7% 1864 preferred 12 tons early green-backs range size suitable for cooking 8 barrels seasoned 25 and 50 cent postal currency vintage of 1866 eligible for kindlings Please deliver with all convenient dispatch at my house in Riverdale at lowest rates for spot cash and send Bill to your obliged servant Mark Twain who will be very grateful and will vote right. End of Section 63, October 22, 1902 Mark Twain's joke read by John Greenman Section 64 of Mark Twain's In The New York Times Part 4, 1900 through 1906 This LibriVox recording is in the public domain read by John Greenman This edited article contains only reference to Mark Twain November 29, 1902, Mark Twain entertained dinner in honor of his 67th birthday given by Colonel Harvey at the Metropolitan Club Mark Twain's 67th birthday, which falls on Sunday was celebrated at the Metropolitan Club last night by a dinner given in his honor by Colonel George Harvey editor of Harper's Weekly and the North American Review and president of Harper and Brothers Publishers It was attended by 53 guests, most of them prominent in the literary world Mark Twain may or may not have read the notices of his demise which certain newspaper paragraphers have from time to time inserted in their papers prematurely as an excuse for the perpetration of a real or imagined witticism but last night he laughingly listened while John Kendrick Bangs read a long obituary of him in rhyme and rhythm Mr. Howells read a sonnet in which he referred to a number of incidents in Mark Twain's life and particularly the article the humorous wrote on foreign missionaries The other speakers were Chauncey M. Depew Dr. Henry Van Dyke Colonel George Harvey W. D. Howells Hamilton W. Mabey Thomas B. Reed and Mr. Clemens Section 65 of Mark Twain in the New York Times Part IV, 1900 through 1906 This LibriVox recording is in the public domain read by John Greenman November 30, 1902, when Twain got his way paid his respects to federal guests at Colonel Harvey's dinner describes Thomas B. Reed's going on during a yachting trip also a dream of another world Humorous oratory flowed freely at the Metropolitan Club Friday night after the banquet given to Mark Twain in honor of the humorous 67th birthday by Colonel George Harvey Mr. Twain himself was the target and had difficulty in getting a hearing Thomas B. Reed was there and he took occasion as he always does when he encounters the author of Huckleberry Finn to say a multitude of more or less true but always funny things about him Chauncey M. Depew, Wayne McVeigh Dr. Van Dyke, W. D. Howells Hamilton W. Mabey, St. Clair McAlway and John Kendrick Bangs had their say before Mr. Twain got the floor W. D. Howells read what he called a double-barreled sonnet prefacing it with the apology that Mark Twain did not lend himself well to the sonnet as verse must be smooth while his method was the inspired higgledy-piggledy after Colonel Harvey had restrained Mark Twain's attempt to reply and had told of various experiences on board Mr. Roger's yacht where Mr. Clemens had a hard time of it Mr. Thomas B. Reed took the humorist in hand saying in part one of Mark Twain's defects and shortcomings arises from inaccuracy, inaccuracy of statement for instance in this trip to which Mr. Harvey has alluded there was a storm and Mr. Rogers heard a noise in the next state room and he stepped in and there he found Mr. Twain closed in his favorite Raymond a night shirt and an overcoat vibrating backward and forward in the somewhat circumscribed limits of the state room and upon being asked what he was doing he said he was hunting for a match asked what he intended to do with it when he did find it he said he intended to sit on it now in my judgment history will reason with Mr. Twain on that subject it will not accept his statement without further proof in the nature of affidavits because you see it once if he had found that match and laid it down lengthwise and if he had sat upon it it would not have given him either fixity of purpose or of body nor would it have elevated him in the world in the slightest degree if the match had been put upon end it was certainly a very improper thing to suppose that he could balance himself against the laws of gravity in that way and if the match was a flame sitting upon it especially in that costume would not have been a safe or wise or sensible expedient Mr. Depew told about a time at Hamburg when he and Mark Twain met the present King of England Mark was walking with me he said and his trousers were too short because they had been worn too long the sleeves of his coat had the same general expression his linen was clean but his hat had lost the nap the Prince of Wales came along about that time and wanted to know who this apparition was and when I told him it was Mark Twain he wanted an introduction well, I lost Twain shortly after because at that time royalty had a charm for him which the ordinary American citizen did not possess and he stuck to the Prince much the same as a waiter once said to me when I had given him a dollar and nobody else had given him much of anything I will stick to you like I'd duck to water well, the Prince gave a dinner to which I was invited and at that dinner the Prince said to me I would have invited Mark Twain if I thought he had any clothes I said Mark has clothes and he said well then bring him down immediately and we will have a night of it so Mark came down and we had a famous dinner and he told the same story I had told the night before Mr Mayby told of the time when a certain religious newspaper in Boston was called the Fireside Companion and then with the change of modern habits and modern methods of heating it was called the Christian Register it was this sort of modern progress Mark Twain represented Dr Henry Van Dyke read a poem John Kendrick Bangs also read a poem in which he proved that Twain was really Adam when at last Mr Clemens himself got a chance he said in part Tom Reed has got a good heart and he has got a good intellect and he hasn't got any judgment he has had a good deal to say about that yachting cruise last spring down in the West Indies in Mr H H Rogers Yacht we went down there to hunt up Martinique and start up that volcano and that was a remarkable voyage in various ways we had a storm so I got out of my berth two o'clock in the morning and went up to the poker chapel to see if I could find anything to hang on to and presently I heard Tom Reed lumbering up that companion way and grunting and blaspheming and butting the bulkhead carrying on land I thought something was the matter with his appendicitis then he appeared up there in his pajamas and he was going it well he said I couldn't stay in my berth at all it's wet why I said you old thing you ought to be ashamed of yourself scared to that extent a lot of accounts have been settled here tonight for me I have held grudges against some of these people but they have all been wiped out by the very handsome compliments they have paid me even Wayne McVeigh I have had a grudge against him many years the first time I saw Wayne McVeigh was at a private dinner party at Charles A. Dana's and when I got there he was going on and I tried to get a word in here and there but you know what Wayne McVeigh is when he is started and I could not get in five words to his one or one word to his five I struggled along and struggled along and well I wanted to tell and I was trying to tell a dream I had had the night before it was a remarkable dream a dream it was worth people's while to listen to and it was a dream such as the revivalists describe some general reception in heaven and I got along I was on a train and had stopped at the Celestial Way Station I had a through ticket and I noticed a man sitting alongside of me that was asleep and he had his ticket in his hat that was the remains of the Archbishop of Canterbury I recognized him by his photograph I had nothing against him he didn't object he wasn't in a condition to object and presently when the train stopped at the heavenly station well I got off and he went on by request there they all were the angels you know millions of them every one with a torch they had a torchlight procession they were expecting the Archbishop and when I got off they started to raise a shout but it didn't materialize I don't know whether they were disappointed I suppose they had a lot of superstitious ideas about the Archbishop and what he looked like and I didn't fill the bill and I was trying to explain to St. Peter and I was doing it in the German tongue because I didn't want to be too explicit well I found it was no use I couldn't get along for Wayne McVeigh was occupying the whole place and I said to Mr. Dana what is the matter with that man who is that man with the long tongue what's the trouble with him getting up a conflagration like this without giving a man a chance another incendiary that long lank cadaver old oil derrick of a job who is that well now Mr. Dana says I don't want to meddle with him you'd better keep quiet just keep quiet because that's a bad man talk he was born to talk don't let him get out with you he'll skin you I said I have been skinned skinned and skinned right along there is nothing left he says oh yes that man is the very man he is the very seed and inspiration of that proverb which says it's no use how close you skin and onion a clever man can always peel it again well I reflected and I quieted down that would never occur to Tom Reed he's got no discretion when I was living in that village in Hannibal, Missouri on the banks of the Mississippi and John Hay up in the town of Warsaw also on the banks of the Mississippi river it was a simple, simple life cheap but comfortable and we were good boys and we did not break the Sabbath often not more than once a week so we grew John Hay and I now John Hay is Secretary of State and I am a gentleman another of my oldest friends is here the Reverend Joe Twichel and whenever Twichel goes to start a church I see them flocking, rushing to buy the land all around there many and many a time I have attended the annual sale in his church and bought up all the pews on a margin and it would have been better for me spiritually and financially if I had stayed under his wing I try to serve him I have tried to do good in this world and it is marvelous in how many ways I have done good well I like the poetry I like all the speeches and the poetry too I liked Van Dyke's poem I wish I could return those in proper measure to you gentlemen who have spoken and violated your feelings to pay me compliments there is your double guest my wife and me we together, out of our single heart return you our deepest and most grateful thanks and yesterday was her birthday End of Section 65, November 30, 1902 when Twain got his say read by John Greenman Section 66 of Mark Twain in the New York Times Part 4 1900 through 1906 this LibriVox recording is in the public domain read by John Greenman January 10, 1903 Mark Twain's skull they say Mr. Samuel R. C. Clemens either has bequeathed or will bequeath his skull to Cornell University which presumably wants it the announcement is made noisily if somewhat vaguely by a hired man, a press agent in fact who tries to imitate Mark Twain's humor the incident is not humorous to be sure Mark Twain used to be very amusing on the subject of dead men's skulls was it not he who discovered in Italy one carefully preserved skull of the full grown Columbus and another which was worn by the same benefactor of mankind in his youth but in his gay Italian days when he was an innocent abroad Mark Twain was not thinking of his own skull as an asset or a benefaction now the report of his bequest seems pathetic one does not even quite know whether or not to take it seriously perhaps like some of his recent seemingly serious magazine contributions and his vociferous public avows of queer beliefs this may only be a subtle joke if it is not it is a great pity any such announcement was made if Cornell University or any department thereof wants Mr. Clement's skull after he has finished using it doubtless that educational institution not being a dime museum or a circus would prefer to take it quietly doubtless too one is impelled to reflect a man seriously thinking of parting with his own head would not make light of the matter end of section 66 January 10th 1903 Mark Twain's skull read by John Greenman section 67 of Mark Twain in the New York Times part 4 1900 through 1906 this LibriVox recording is in the public domain read by John Greenman March 28th 1903 the stolen white elephant as a play Paris March 27th the French dramatization of Mark Twain's the stolen white elephant will be given at the Odeon Theater tomorrow the authors are M. M. Alex and Max Fisher Mr. Clemens has sent to the management the following characteristic telegram which will be read at the performance best compliments to the dramatists I hope the detectives will shed glory on a cruelly slandered profession end of section 67 March 28th 1903 the stolen white elephant read by John Greenman section 68 of Mark Twain in the New York Times part 4 1900 through 1906 this LibriVox recording is in the public domain read by John Greenman March 31st 1903 races on the Mississippi Mark Twain's suggestions for repetitions at the fair of old-time contests between steamboats Mark Twain has revived memories of the days when he was a pilot on the Mississippi river by sending a letter to President Francis of the St. Louis World Fair it is an answer to Sir Thomas Lipton's suggestion that a series of old-time Mississippi steamboat races be inaugurated as a feature of the exposition the letter is as follows New York City March 30th Dear President Francis as regards the suggestion of Sir Thomas Lipton it seems to me that an old-fashioned Mississippi steamboat race as a feature of the fair would be a very good specialty indeed as to particulars I think that the race should be a genuine reproduction of the old-time race not just an imitation of it and that it should cover the whole course I think the boats should begin the trip at New Orleans and side by side not with an interval between and ended at North St. Louis a mile or two above the Big Mound I think they should have ample folksal crowd of Negro Chante singers with able leaders to do the solo and conduct the chorus from the capstan I should reinstate the torch basket and use the electric for business only I should extinguish the government lights in every crossing throughout the course for where boats are equally matched in the matters of speed and draft it is the quality of the piloting that decides the race have you a couple of six-day boats then you have a continuous six-day world advertisement for you would have wireless operators and associated press representatives on both boats and they would report the positions of the contestants hourly day and night and describe the succeeding or failing jockeings and stratagems of the pilots this would be an innovation and dreadfully modern but the value of it would condone it it would keep the boats quite vividly in sight straight along a stretch of 1,400 miles and for the first time the world would see a six-day boat race from start to finish the fair would issue the great war department map of the Mississippi and every citizen would buy a copy and check off the progress of the race hour by hour and arrange his bets with such judacity as Providence had provided him with all this map is a yard wide and 36 feet long it might be well to reduce it a little as a fair advertisement it would be difficult to beat the boat race as a spectacle nothing could add to it except an old time blow up as the boats finished the home stretch but this should not be arranged it is better left to Providence and prayer truly yours Mark Twain end of section 68 March 31st 1903 races on the Mississippi read by John Greenman section 69 of Mark Twain in the New York Times part 4 1900 through 1906 this LibriVox recording is in the public domain read by John Greenman May 3rd 1903 Mark Twain's taxes reduced Newburgh New York May 2nd Judge Dickie this morning fixed the assessment on Mark Twain's summer home at Tarleton at fifty thousand dollars conferring the referees report the village assessment was eighty thousand dollars and Mr. Clemens brought the action to have it reduced end of section 69 May 3rd 1903 Mark Twain's taxes reduced read by John Greenman section 70 of Mark Twain in the New York Times part 4 1900 through 1906 this LibriVox recording is in the public domain read by John Greenman June 28th 1903 Mark Twain's roast chickens recently major John B. Downing of Middleport Ohio was discussing army chicken stealing and the various ways the boys had of preparing them to be served the major was a Mississippi River pilot in his young days and stood at the wheel as a cub under the watchful eye of Sam Clemens the Mark Twain of the present day speaking of chicken stealing said the major who is now grey and reminiscent we had great times on the Mississippi when Mark Twain, Jake Estep and myself were together Jake would have made a typical soldier he could locate a fat bullet in a whole coop of half-breeds in those days we carried a great deal of poultry from points along the Mississippi River to New Orleans particularly during the holiday season at many places the coops were four and five deep on the levee when we landed Estep always had an eye out for a particularly promising coop and usually kept in mind the place where it had been stored away shortly before midnight he would go on deck and extract several plump fowls oops he had preempted the chickens were dispatched without a protesting squawk the entrails removed but the feathers left intact seasoning were then inserted and the fowls enclosed in a heaving casing of soft clay to the thickness of two inches they were then cast among the hot embers in the ash pan and permitted to roast to the queen's taste when thoroughly cooked they were removed and the clay casing broken from about them the feathers came away with the clay leaving clean smoking hot fowls ready for the dish of hot butter awaiting them upstairs Estep with a fork stripped the flesh from the bones into the melted butter while the rest of us stood about and smacked our lips in anticipation dear dear but they were good in cooking them in that way all the rich flavors were retained I can almost taste them now and I wish I could as a matter of fact into section 70 June 28th 1903 Mark Twain's Roast Chickens read by John Greenman section 71 of Mark Twain in the New York Times part 4 1900 through 1906 this LibriVox recording is in the public domain read by John Greenman October 4th 1903 Mark Twain reflects Samuel L. Clemens, according to a story which he recently told to a friend went wandering down Broadway in the region of Wall Street on a matter of business last week and being through with this continued on his way to the battery where he thought that he would take a look at the fish in the aquarium I thought, said Mr. Clemens, I would look them over because I was in need of a fish story and all I knew were so intimately connected with a hook and line with a liar at the other end that I was looking for the fish themselves in the hope that one of them might whisper a tale or make me think they did and wandered along looking at funeral processions mixed up with trolley cars and public vehicles trying to mix up their mechanism with what might be left of unfortunate human beings so that they would not be too presentable when they were to have funerals and I was wondering about the mutability of mortals when a motor man in mixed metaphor called to my realization the fact that I was much in his mind as a possible mixture of what had been a man the worst of it was that he called me a white-headed old fool and there was no chance for a reply because he was well on his way when I realized that I was safe and delighted that no one I knew had seen me in flight then it occurred to me that in all my way down the street there had not been a person as I passed to look up with a gleam of recognition I had written for so many people with illustrations of myself in my books and I knew that they had met with large sales and then I had lectured now and then in a most serious fashion about affairs so distressing that I was moved to tears while my hearers would laugh presuming that all I had to say must be ludicrous while I was thinking how strange it was that no one knew me on lower Broadway I recalled the story of my old friend Tom Reed not long before he died he was riding on a Broadway car and was forced to stand up his weight and his height made this difficult because he would have to stoop to hang on to a strap and if he stood straight clutch the ceiling to avoid being thrown going around the curves Tom had had his pictures so often drawn and had been so long in the public eye that he wondered that someone did not at least recognize him to pity him even if they did not give him a seat when the car reached the barn and there was a change of conductors the new one greeted him politely and gruffly ordered passengers to squeeze together as he wanted room for Czar Reed he sat himself down with the remark thanks for the courtesy but I deprecate the notoriety I felt a good deal like my friend of long ago nobody seemed to know me or care for me and no one offered me a ride in their carriage or automobile near the old field building was a boot-black who hailed me with delight Hello, Mr. Mark Twain, he shouted I saw you in the settlement home where you told such beautiful a sad stories I took a car adjourning my investigation, interrogation and interviewing of the fish there was a veteran conductor in charge as he took my fare he said solemnly punch brothers, punch, punch with care punch in the presence of the passenger and I knew there were a few who recognized me in their own manner I felt a good deal like poor Tom Reed did it is a great city of sadness with only now and then a gleam of gladness End of Section 71 October 4, 1903 Mark Twain reflects Read by John Greenman Section 72 of Mark Twain in the New York Times Part 4 1900 through 1906 This LibriVox recording is in the public domain read by John Greenman October 16, 1903 Mark Twain, for Lowe sends his opinion of a vote for Tammany to Women's Municipal League Samuel Clemens, Mark Twain, has written a letter to the Women's Municipal League on the subject of the impending election in which he says I should think that any humane and honest person would rather be convicted of one robbery and one murder than become a cold and deliberate confederate in wholesale robbery and wholesale murder by voting a Tammany ticket certainly if anything is proven up to the hilt Tammany's financial history and health statistics of 1901 prove that Tammany's a special and remorseless trade is wholesale pillage and wholesale destruction of health and life End of Section 72 October 16, 1903 Mark Twain, for Lowe Read by John Greenman Section 73 of Mark Twain in the New York Times Part 4 1900 through 1906 This LibriVox recording is in the public domain read by John Greenman October 24, 1903 Mark Twain One of the most daring and ingenious of our critics of literature lately has been classifying Mark Twain with Aristophanes and Rabelais The classification can do no harm to anybody, not even to Mark Twain while it certainly does credit to the heart of the critic Mr. Clemens is assuredly one of the great men of this hour which, from a practical point of view, is better than being either Aristophanes or Rabelais The author of Huckleberry Finn, the recorder of the experiences and emotions of a cub pilot on the Mississippi lacks nothing of his large due of appreciation here or abroad Mr. Clemens sails today for Italy with his wife who has long been an invalid It is hoped that a long stay in that climate may restore her to health On the eve of his departure Mr. Clemens signed a contract with a publishing house of Harper and Brothers which, according to Mr. George Harvey, the president of that corporation assures to Mr. Clemens and his children a competence for all their lives Mr. Clemens assumes that this is the fulfillment of a prophecy written by Gero, the palmist in 1895 that the humorist would come into a fortune in his 68th year which will be completed next month These important and cheering facts were made known to a few of Mr. Clemens many friends at a dinner party given in honor of the great humorist by Mr. Harvey at the Metropolitan Club in this city last Thursday evening In the company were Mr. J. Pierpont Morgan, W. D. Howells, H. H. Rogers, H. M. Alden J. Henry Harper, W. M. Laffin, Melville E. Stone Edward Lauterbach, John Kendrick Banks, Hamlin Garland, Will N. Harbin, Frederick A. Dinecka James H. Hyde, George G. Ward, James MacArthur, F. T. Lay, John I. Waterbury St. Clair McAlway, T. J. Coolidge Jr., and A. D. Chandler Words of good cheer were spoken to Mr. Clemens at this feast and he, who always has known how to bear his burdens lightly, was as buoyant and companionable as ever, but all felt that it was saying goodbye to a man of advanced years just starting on a long voyage to be gone indefinitely End of Section 73, October 24, 1903, Mark Twain Read by John Greenman Section 74 of Mark Twain in the New York Times Part IV, 1900-1906 This LibriVox recording is in the public domain read by John Greenman October 25, 1903 Mark Twain makes some parting remarks Comments on Aristophanes, Rabelais, Dowie, and Mrs. Eddy Henry W. Lucy arrives and the British and American humorists tell stories about each other Henry W. Lucy, the British humorist better known as Tobi, MP, arrived in this country yesterday morning with his wife on a Cunard Line steamship Lucania for a five weeks visit Shortly after he arrived, Mark Twain sailed for Italy on the North German Lloyd steamship Prinzessin Irene Mr. Lucy, as he came off of the steamship, had a note in his hand which, he said, was from Mark Twain It read, You arrive this morning and I sail this afternoon in order to avoid you In explaining the note he said, Some time ago Mark Twain and I were at a surprise dinner to E. A. Abbey, the artist When he proposed to me that we start a paper called The Obituary We were to print the life of every living man of prominence, send him the proof, and ask him for fifty pounds for suppressing the story I considered the matter and wrote to Twain that it was agreeable to me, since then he has made every effort, and successfully, to keep out of my way Before Mark Twain sailed he was told what Lucy had said and he replied, That's true, we did talk it over, and I think there never was a better paying institution that could be devised You see, the idea was to write the most scandalous things about a man while he was alive and tell him it would be published at the time of his death, unless he paid to have it kept out of the papers If the man paid handsomely we would allow him to alter the proof and cover up the spots on his career There are very few men who have not some spots that can be artistically covered He could cut the proof, add to it, or polish it as much as he wished, but he had to pay for that He could have as many of the copies of the paper in which the article was printed as he wished, and in the end he could, by paying enough money, get as good a reputation as he wanted, and one of which his family could be proud We had no circulation to our paper, for you see the circulation end is the losing end When I got home I found I could make more money by Twain than by two, so I gently but firmly had to eliminate Lucy from the money proposition I calculated that he would not land until tomorrow, or else I should not have sent the note until today But he is a good fellow, and I hope he will do well However his situation reminds me of what St. Clair McElway said to me when he learned that the Harpers had promised me a pension for life in consideration of work I had promised to do for them Colonel Harvey is living on hope, he said, while you are living on a certainty At the pier Mark Twain was occupied in getting eighteen pieces of baggage, and his wife, two daughters, and another lady who, like Mrs. Clemens, is an invalid on board the ship Someone suggested that Mr. Clemens was having a great deal of trouble Well, he replied, I always was sorry for Father Noah, he had so much trouble getting all of his animals aboard the ark, but you see I'm peevish today, I have absorbed all of my wife's pugnacity and all of my daughters audacity At the pier a tax assessor from Tarleton was waiting for the humorist, when Mr. Clemens appeared the assessor stepped up to him and said, an anxious look in his eyes, when are you coming back? Mark Twain did not answer, but turning to reporters said, I don't own the Casey house at Tarleton, I have only rented it for a year As a matter of fact, I am tired of renting four houses and being able to occupy but one, I don't see that it matters to that fellow at what time I am going to return It was remarked that in the Saturday Book Review of the New York Times, mention had been made of the fact that Mr. Clemens had been compared with Rabelais and Aristophanes Rabelais, yes he commented, Aristophanes, no, I never knew Aristophanes personally, all of what I knew of him was told me by William Dean Howells I get quite a confused idea of what he was like, sometimes I think of him sailing up the English Channel with Sir John Hawkins Again I think of Aristophanes as the Greek physician and again as an Indian virtuoso If I had lived in the 15th century I should have been Rabelais, I know him from top to bottom When you wrote Huckleberry Finn and told of the king who after stripping was painted as the tiger for the circus, did you have dowy in mind? Somebody asked. A deep frown came over the author's face and he replied, I can't trace the slightest resemblance, for I have never seen dowy disrobe I have a presentiment that I am to meet dowy in the next world but I do not know where If I find him in one place I will go to the other, I don't care how hot or how cold it is but I do not want to be in the place where he is I want society in the next world but not that of dowy or of Mrs. Eddy Just before the vessel sailed a note from Mr. Lucy brought his love and his wishes for a good voyage Mr. Lucy went at once to Larchmont where he will spend a few days when he will return to lecture Major Pond once made me an offer, he said, and if he could make money on me why can't I make it on myself? I shall lecture on peeps into Parliament and, uh, Prime Ministers I have known The former is taken from my collection of sketches in this strand I did not intend to lecture when I started but came here to study America and Americans but I cannot resist taking some of your money back with me End of Section 74, October 25th, 1903, Mark Twain makes some parting remarks Read by John Greenman Section 75 of Mark Twain and the New York Times Part 4, 1900 through 1906 This LibriVox recording is in the public domain read by John Greenman November 9th, 1903, Mark Twain's villa near Florence Florence, November 8th Samuel L. Clemens, Mark Twain, and his family, accompanied by George Gregory Smith, have arrived here and taken possession of the Villa Quarto, three miles and a half from the city The villa was formerly the property of a Russian grand duchess and was afterward occupied by the king of Whartonburg It is now owned by a country by Udi Massiglia, Italian minister to Persia, who was formerly council at Philadelphia, where he married Miss Paxton End of Section 75, November 9th, 1903, Mark Twain's villa near Florence, read by John Greenman Section 76 of Mark Twain and the New York Times Part 4, 1900 through 1906 This LibriVox recording is in the public domain read by John Greenman April 10th, 1904, Mark Twain to reform the language of Italy He tells his neighbors in Florence of his proposal to furnish the government with a standard grammar Special correspondence, the New York Times, Florence, Italy, March 18th Outside the Prato Gate, in the flat part of the Arno Valley, only approached by traversing some of the slums and workmen's quarters of Florence, on a slight rise of the ground, stands the so-called Royal Villa of Quarto It acquired this title of royal from the fact that it was, for a while, owned by the Grand Duchess Maria of Russia, who bought it and enlarged and embellished it, though in so doing she deprived it of its medieval character, for it was originally a stately 15th century pile The gardens, too, have been modernized in the manner Mrs. Edith Wharton so justly condemns in her articles on Italian villa gardens Nevertheless, despite these defects, it is a stately pile, with room to turn about in both inside and out of the house This is the place that was taken for Mark Twain upon his second visit to the city of Florence Its latest inhabitant, before the present owner, who is an American, was the king of Wartenburg, who spoiled a number of good rooms to build a fine stairway And so there is not, perhaps, quite so much room as Mark Twain and his family require But for the moment they are located As to the large amount of room required by this small family, Mark Twain tells a funny, long-winded tale It seems, while still out west, he knew a family of the name Morley This family numbered some twenty or more of direct descendants only As time wore on they married and multiplied until the family took on formidable proportions Of each member of this huge tribe, Mark tells all the life history before he reaches his point Which is that it is his fixed purpose to invite them to join him in Florence And look out for a villa big enough to harbour them all When that is found he will bid them go their way and he doubts whether the villa even then will suffice the needs of the Clemens family The return of the humorist. It was in November last Mark Twain came back among us after eleven years absence But through circumstances I did not go out to call till early February I found him looking well and not at all changed, if anything, looking stronger Of course I welcomed him back to the fair land And how do you like Italy again after your long absence from here, I asked Oh, Italy is right enough, the best country in the world to live in Perhaps England runs it rather close but here all is quiet, town and country alike In England there is always London with its great, unquiet pulse And the Italians, right enough too, I love to watch them and to study their gestures and their ways That is why I do not object to the slow pace of our horses like my daughter there Even if they do take time to land us in town And the language, I asked, vividly remembering an incident that occurred when he was last here It was this, one day Mark returned home to Settignano, where the family then had a villa To the horror of his wife, his beautiful white mane, was cropped close to his head after the manner of Italians in the summer When asked to account for this mutilation he explained in his comic way that he had resorted to this as a forlorn hope A last desperate effort to learn the Italian language He had, he said, slept for weeks in vain with an Italian dictionary under his pillow Finally it occurred to him to watch the natives and see if he could catch any peculiarity of theirs that might account for their capacity to master the language Then he noticed that their heads were all as smooth as billiard balls Who knew whether the secret did not reside there Perchance his heavy crop prevented the tongue from filtering through So he went straight to a barber with this result However this drastic measure does not seem to have proved successful For he expresses himself as much as ever at sea with the tongue Never a whole sentence I never get hold of an entire sentence Just a word here and there that comes in handy But they never stay with me more than a day How about dove il gatto? I objected What do you know about dove il gatto? he said with one of his merry twinkles I have read your paper and harpers on Italian without a master, I replied There is one person who always understands me and that is our old kitchen scrub She was with us last time too We have quite long talks together and exchange no end of compliments I talk English, she rattles along in her own lingo Neither of us knows what the other says They get along perfectly and greatly respect each other's conversation The entrance of Professor Willard Fisk of Cornell changed the current of our talk And very naturally libraries and books came on the tapas Carnegie's princely donations were referred to by me And I then learned for the first time that the millionaire does not really donate libraries But only buildings to house them, which is quite a different matter And he has just given one to, I forget the name of the town And now Carnegie is about to add a new terror to my life And ruin me and my poor family, said Mark Twain How is that, we asked Well, they have asked me to write something to be read at the opening I just think, if I am to keep track of all Carnegie's gifts and write about them Why, where shall we be for a living? Some book criticisms This brought us to talking of books in general And he expressed his wonder at the expensive editions of so-called standard authors That publishers are always bringing out Who reads them? said Mark They are the sort of thing no gentleman's library should be without As the saying is, I put in Then, too, remember that the publishers have to pay nothing to the authors As these are dead and have no rights All the same, he persisted It is strange that it pays them Now, would you, for example, read a novel of Walter Scott's for pleasure? I must confess I could not read them even as a child, I answered Their long descriptions, their false, water-street air of antiquity Repel'd me even before I could critically give my reasons Just so, he said I was once ill and shut up And there was nothing but Scott's novels to read, so I had another try Well, when I got through guy-mannering I wrote to Brander Matthews and asked him if he would be good enough To point out to me the literary and stylistic merits of the work For I could not find them Fact is, he went on, nothing is eternal in this world And literature is as much subject to the character of the times As any other intellectual manifestation Books reflect the mental atmosphere in which they were born And on that account cannot expect to live forever Every generation has its own authors Look at Dickens At one time nothing went down that was not a little tinted with the Dickens' style Now, who would allow that? And the same for all the others Is there a more tiresome and unnatural book than Pendennis? All the people are exaggerated, caricatures, with no intention of being so It's like when they show us some weird old picture and say it's wonderful I dare say it is wonderful for its time But its time is past Praises Marion Crawford Henry James and Crawford were then discussed I once heard James define Crawford, said Mr. Fisk He said that Crawford was a storyteller but no novelist How, like James, we all exclaimed All was a hair splitter, as if it mattered The purpose of a novel is to amuse and if Crawford attains his end And he undoubtedly does, his existence is justified The war between China and Japan could not fail to crop up I expressed my surprise to Mark Twain that the sympathy I had found existed in the States for Russia Could there be a more unnatural alliance, I said, than between a free republic and the most tyrannous of governments? He was good enough to explain, at some length, the origin of this sympathy But added that is obtained no longer after their late behavior about Manchuria He then expressed his earnest sympathy with the plucky little japs And his sincere hope that they would win in the fight they were undertaking on behalf of half the civilized world A few evenings after this an amateur performance of Cousin Kate The play that has had such a vogue at the London Haymarket Was given for the benefit of the local British relief fund After the proceedings had opened with an overture played by an amateur band To the delight and surprise of the audience, Mark Twain stepped on the platform Introduced by Mr. Gregory Smith We were told that the great humorist had consented to furnish an extra number And was about to give us a lesson in Italian grammar The new grammar Speaking with the curious drawl that distinguishes him, but which, by the way, is less accentuated in his home and home relations He began by stating it, as his opinion, that the Italian grammar was susceptible of fast improvement And that, in fact, he was about to write a national grammar And to sell it to the Italian government To begin with the verbs Too many ways to express themselves Even the regular verbs were irregular To take the simple verb I love There were fifty-seven ways of conjugating this verb And not one is able to convince a girl who wanted to marry a title The verb essere to be, too, might be improved beyond recognition That unnatural way of saying estato has been Which is literally is being Wouldn't do anyhow As for himself he got on very well When conversing with a stranger he was always taken for an Italian But not so when he speaks with friends For the friends were jealous Members of his household had studied Italian at the Berlitz School And he got the language out of them at no expense whatever Woe to them if they should try to mislead him One can't be betrayed by one's own family Exchanging compliments He always aired his Italian whenever a chance occurred Thus he had met an Italian a few days before In the big square where the vecchi tower is And the statues It was raining hard and he had his umbrella up But the Italian who was wearing one of those unimaginable Inflamed overcoats had no umbrella However, in the polite Italian way He listened to the remarks Mark Twain addressed to him In order to air his Italian And also in the polite Italian way tried to agree with him The conversation began by Mark saying to the stranger Lo apro il libro Which he had been taught to believe meant None but the brave deserve the fair He then went on to remark Noi ti adiamo le nostre finestre We close our windows, which of course means He tempers the wind to the shorn lamb The Italian listened with quiet courtesy As these phrases were poured over him But at the next remark Quale differenza vie fra questi due libri What difference is there between these two books Which according to Mark meant Whom the gods would destroy they first make mad The stranger began to look puzzled However he was cornered between two carts And could not break away So the rain continued to pour down And the expressions to pour out Mark then bethought him to show some interest In the stranger's family And so asked him how his mother was Or an Italian, Gestro Libro e Rosso This book is read The bewildered expression on the stranger's face His look of admiration plainly showed He took Mark for an Italian When suddenly he asked What was the matter with him Che allei, what was she literally Now coming from a damp, sloppy, disagreeable stranger He did not like this He objected to having his sex reversed Well, he was a peaceable man Largely Pacific As largely as the ocean And he restrained himself Still he could stand it no longer When the stranger continued Che allei, what has she Literally a more formal mode of address It was bad enough to be called she By a sloppy, sullen, saturated stranger But Aia was beyond all bearing Aia, what a name He might, said Mark, have called me Nancy at once Aia, why not Daisy or some pretty name But Aia, it was beyond bearing He was prepared to come to blows To heaven knows what But somehow or other he found himself Under one of the carts Nevertheless he went on formulating His just objections until looking up He found the stranger had gone But he was resolved he should not Be let off thus easily He would find him again and call him to account He got home and recounted the matter His ideas of summery vengeance Were somewhat damped He has been persuaded to believe That the stranger meant no offence It was the grammar that was at fault Which removes a poor stranger To the third person and corrupts his sex All the more need for his grammar When that came out there would be a real reform With this Mark Twain bad his hearers good night Excusing himself for not remaining for the play But explaining that he had illness at home And was anxious to get back It had indeed been good of him to come For that very afternoon his dearly loved wife Seemed to be at death's door Loud applause had greeted the recital From beginning to end for all its points Were at once taken up and fully understood By an audience composed almost wholly Of Anglo-American residents in Florence Since that night I have not seen him again When I last went out to the villa He was laid up with a sharp attack of bronchitis And is still confined to his room As he will not take proper care of himself And choose the usual remedies I fear that it may be some weeks there He is about again To give some idea what sort of a patient he is It may be mentioned that his doctors Told him to smoke more moderately As never without a cigar And a strong one at that How can I smoke too much? He replied in his pathetic drawl There are only twenty-four hours In the day to do it in End of Section 76, April 10, 1904 Mark Twain to reform the language of Italy Read by John Greenman Section 77 of Mark Twain in The New York Times 1904, 1900 through 1906 This LibriVox recording is in the public domain Read by John Greenman June 7, 1904 Mark Twain's wife, dead Mrs. Clemens expires suddenly in Italy Married to the author in 1870 Florence, June 6 Mrs. Samuel M. Clemens, the wife of Mark Twain The American author and lecturer Died from syncope here last evening Half an hour before her death She had conversed cheerfully with her husband Mrs. Clemens died painlessly The body has been embalmed And will be sent to the United States Mr. Clemens kneels continually by the coffin He speaks to no one It was on account of his wife's poor health That Mr. Clemens decided several months ago To live in Italy Mr. and Mrs. Clemens arrived at Florence Last November 8 A month later it was announced that Mrs. Clemens Had been so indisposed since her arrival in Italy That no one outside her family Had been allowed to see her In the latter part of January It was said that her condition Had greatly improved Mrs. Clemens was Miss Olivia L. Langdon She was a native of Elmira, New York And was married to Mr. Clemens in 1870 End of section 77 June 7, 1904 Mark Twain's wife, dead Read by John Greenman Section 78 of Mark Twain in the New York Times Part IV 1900-1906 This Limber Vox recording is in the public domain Read by John Greenman June 8, 1904 Funeral of Mrs. Clemens Mark Twain is coming to America With his wife's body Florence, June 7 A funeral service of the simplest character Took place over the body of Mrs. Samuel L. Clemens In the Villa Quarto today After a vexatious visit from sanitary officers And compliance with annoying regulations Only members of the family were present The coffin was taken to a temporary vault From which it will be sent to Genoa And placed aboard a German steamer Sailing for New York on June 25 Mr. Clemens, Mark Twain Will go to the United States with the body End of Section 78 June 8, 1904 Funeral of Mrs. Clemens Read by John Greenman Section 79 of Mark Twain in the New York Times Part IV 1900-1906 This Limber Vox recording is in the public domain Read by John Greenman June 14, 1904 Twain would be an exhibit Writes President Francis He will give bribe for a prize St. Louis, June 13 A letter from Samuel L. Clemens Mark Twain Written prior to his wife's death Was received by President Francis Of the World's Fair today In part it follows It has been a dear wish Of mine To exhibit myself At the great fair And get a prize But circumstances beyond My control have interfered I used to get a medal For good spelling In school In Missouri Half a century ago I ought to be able to repeat now I got it several times By trading medals And giving boot I am willing to Give boot now If However, those days are Forever gone by And perhaps it is Better so I suppose you will get a prize Because you have created The most prodigious and In all ways the most Wonderful fair the Planet has ever seen President Francis Today received a letter from President Nicholas Murray Butler of Columbia University Stating that an anonymous donor Had given the University $5,000 To be applied toward assisting Deserving and needy students Of Columbia University To visit the Louisiana Purchase Exposition during the summer vacation End of Section 79 June 14, 1904 Twain would be an exhibit Read by John Greenman Section 80 Of Mark Twain in the New York Times Part 4 1900-1906 This LibriVox recording is in the public domain Read by John Greenman June 29, 1904 Mark Twain sales for New York Naples, June 28 Samuel L. Clemens, Mark Twain Sailed for New York today On the Hamburg American Liner Prince Oscar With a casket containing the body of his wife Which will be interred At Elmira, New York End of Section 80 June 29, 1904 Mark Twain sales for New York Read by John Greenman Section 81 Of Mark Twain in the New York Times Part 4 1900-1906 This LibriVox recording is in the public domain Read by John Greenman July 13, 1904 Clemens brings wife's body Mark Twain, sorrow-stricken Arrives on the Prince Oscar Samuel L. Clemens, Mark Twain Arrived here yesterday evening On the steamship Prince Oscar Of the Hamburg American Line from Naples He was accompanied by his daughters Clara L. Clemens and Jane L. Clemens And his secretary Miss J. W. Lyons Aboard the steamship was the body Of Mrs. Clemens who died In Florence where Mark Twain Has a villa. The family comes Here at this time to bury Mrs. Clemens body at Elmira Where she was born. As Mr. Clemens left the ship His step was faltering And he seemed much more feeble Than when he left here last fall He wore mourning And the usual spirit of good fellowship Which he shows was missing To the reporters he said that he knew nothing And preferred to be left alone In his sorrow A number of officials of the Lackawanna Railroad were at the pier To meet Mr. Clemens And E. P. Loomis, second vice president Of the road, placed his private car The Lake Forest at Mr. Clemens' disposal The party went to the hotel Walcott for the night And today they will convey Mrs. Clemens body to Elmira End of Section 81, July 13, 1904 Clemens brings wife's body Read by John Greenman Section 82 of Mark Twain In the New York Times Part 4 1900 through 1906 This LibriVox recording is in the public domain Read by John Greenman July 15, 1904 Mark Twain's wife Buried Elmira, New York July 14 The home of General Charles J. Langdon Witnessed the gathering of a large number This afternoon to pay their last respects To the memory of his sister Mrs. Samuel L. Clemens Who died in Italy Burial was in Woodlawn Cemetery With Mr. Clemens where his wife Mrs. Clara and Janet Clemens End of Section 82, July 15, 1904 Mark Twain's wife Buried Read by John Greenman Section 83 of Mark Twain In the New York Times Part 4 1900 through 1906 This LibriVox recording is in the public domain Read by John Greenman August 2, 1904 Mark Twain's wife Mark Twain's wife Mark Twain's wife August 2, 1904 Mark Twain's daughter Hurt Saddle horse struck by trolley car And killed at Pittsfield Special to the New York Times Pittsfield, Massachusetts August 1 Miss Jane Clemens, daughter of Mark Twain While riding horseback late Saturday evening With Rodham Gilder Son of Richard Watson Gilder Of New York Met with a bad accident A trained ankle And a bruised shoulder and side A trolley car approached the riders At a dark part of the highway And Miss Clemens' Italian saddle horse Bolted upon the track The car struck the horse full in the side And threw Miss Clemens some distance The horse was dragged For fifty feet And killed Miss Clemens was assisted on the car And taken to Lee where her injuries were treated There she gave her name as Julia Langdon Which was the maiden name of her deceased mother Mr. Gilder gave his name As Joseph Drake The identity of Miss Clemens became Known this afternoon She is not badly hurt The horse had lately been brought From Italy End of Section 83, August 2, 1904 Mark Twain's daughter Hurt Red by John Greenman Section 84 of Mark Twain in the New York Times Section 84, 1900 through 1906 This LibriVox recording is in the public domain Read by John Greenman August 18, 1904 Mark Twain leases House Gets lower Fifth Avenue residents For a term of years Samuel L. Clemens, Mark Twain Has taken a lease of the four-story Brick and stone dwelling At 21 Fifth Avenue At the southeast corner of Ninth Street Mr. Clemens evidently intends To make his residence in this city for some time As he has secured the house For a term of years He will occupy it early in the fall Negotiations with the owner of the property James A. Renwick Were conducted by Douglas Robinson Charles S. Brown and Company End of Section 84, August 18, 1904 Mark Twain leases House Read by John Greenman Section 85 of Mark Twain in the New York Times Part 4 1900-1906 This LibriVox recording is in the public domain Read by John Greenman September 15, 1904 H. H. Rogers, home again Has been busy having a good time Mark Twain meets him H. H. Rogers of the Standard Oil Company Mrs. Rogers and Mrs. Simpson Rogers were passengers On the White Star Line Steamship Oceanic Which arrived yesterday for the Liverpool Mark Twain was at the pier to meet them Mr. Rogers said that he went abroad Seven weeks ago because Mrs. Rogers was in ill health And needed an outing They spent their time in Europe at Vichy Mr. Rogers refused to Discuss the political situation Saying that he had been so intent While abroad on having a good time That he had completely lost track Of affairs He said that he had not thought Of business while away He said that he met Commodore Plant The owner of the racing schooner Indemar in Paris And that the Commodore was greatly elated Over the victories he had won abroad He will return on one of the ships Due here on Saturday Mr. Rogers said that he had no Plans for racing his yacht Kanawa that as a matter of fact There would be nothing for him to beat Until the new turbine yachts come out End of Section 85 September 15, 1904 H. H. Rogers Home again Red by John Greenman Section 86 of Mark Twain in The New York Times Part 4 1900 through 1906 This LibriVox recording is in the public domain Red by John Greenman December 22, 1904 Mark Twain Place Sold Charles A. Gardner Attorney for Manhattan Railway Company Has bought the properties at Tarleton Owned by Samuel L. Clemens, Mark Twain And E. B. Cobb The two parcels together make a tract Of 40 acres The negotiations were conducted By William H. Hoyton Company Who report that the price paid Was about $120,000 An average of $3,000 An acre Mr. Clemens bought his half of the property Of the property Mr. Clemens bought his half of the property About two years ago Intending to live there But did not do so on account of illness In his family Mr. Gardner has occupied the residents In the meantime under lease But has declined to buy until he could get The Cobb property too George W. Reeves of Hoyton Company Said yesterday that he understood That Mr. Gardner intends to convert The entire tract into a private park Making extensive improvements To both grounds and buildings End of section 86 December 22, 1904 Mark Twain Place Sold Read by John Greenman