 The F.W. Fitch Company, makers of those fine Fitch products, presents the Fitch bandwagon, starring Alice Faye. Harris, won't you come with me to Alabama? Let's go see my dear old mammy. She's frying eggs and boiling hammy. That sugar cured hammy. That red gravid hammy. And that's what I like about the sound. As you may know, Phil Harris has recently embarked on a program of self betterment. The first evidence of this new phase reared its ugly head two weeks ago, when Phil announced that he was going to take an adult ascension course at the University of Southern California. But Phil, you're going to college. This is ridiculous. It is not. Now you may not know this, but I've been preparing myself for college for a long time. Yes? Well, of course. Every night for the past three months, I've been reading a page out of the encyclopedia. Well, Phil, that's wonderful. Sure. And I figure if I keep at it, I'll be at the bottom of that page by April. And then last week, still following his course of self improvement, Phil Harris consulted a psychiatrist. Yes, Mr. Harris, after extensive tests and observation, I've come to the conclusion that you have a strong tendency toward megalomania, coupled with a powerful narcissist complex. This, of course, is in addition to your inherent schizophrenic maladjustment with overtones of dementia, precox. I say, but what does that all mean? Mr. Harris, you are nuts. Undaunted by these experiences, we find Phil Harris, the student, on last Thursday, burning the midnight oil. Phil, what are you doing? My homework for USC. But you've been sitting there for two hours. Oh, I know it. I got to write a composition for class tomorrow. Composition? What's it about? I like basket weaving because. And it's got to be a hundred words. Well, that doesn't sound so hard. Why are you taking so long? I don't know a hundred words. Anyway, this darn fountain pen won't write. Well, don't you think you might do better if you put some ink in it? Oh, yeah. I forgot it's a new one. But the man said once you get it filled, it writes for 15 years without stopping. Well, use the ink bottle. Go and fill it. OK. Go ahead. Start writing. What's the matter? It's filled, isn't it? Yeah, but not so heavy. I can't lift it. Oh, use a pencil. Oh, honey, but I don't know what I like about basket weaving. Well, you must like something about the class. For instance, you fellow pupils. What do they like? Well, there's Elmer, who sits next to me. He's a pretty nice fellow. Of course, he drools a little. Well, Gladys, she sits right in beautifully developed pinheads I've ever seen. Well, I'm sure she's not a pinhead. Oh, no, then why does she have the Gettigsburg address engraved on her forehead? Oh, hell. Well, she does. Well, he's still in bed, Phyllis. He sat up most of the night doing his homework. But, Mommy, it's 11 o'clock. He should be up by now. All right, Alice, you and Phyllis can go upstairs and wake him up if you want to. Thank you, Mommy. Come on, Phyllis. Sleep, isn't he? Yeah, so talk like that. He doesn't know any better. Now we jump on his stomach again. Let's shake him. Oh, no. Daddy said if we did that once more, we'd knock our little heads together. Turtle died. Shake him. Daddy. Well, I could move up. He's opening his eyes. Quick, Phyllis, you go get his slippers. I'll undo his chin strap. Phyllis, who's got the dice? Good morning, Glandy. Well, if it isn't the sleeping beauty. So you finally decided to come downstairs. Yeah, I didn't sleep so well last night. Honey, I had an awful dream. Oh, you did? I was looking my eyebrows. Oh, honey, what a headache. Hey, how about some breakfast? All right. Hey, how'd you make out with your composition last night? Oh, it's coming along. I got it right here. Well, let me see it. No! Oh, Phyll, I just want to look it over and correct your punctuation. My what? Your periods and commas. Surely you know what a comma is. Oh, yeah, that's what my old man used to go into after he inhaled that southern stuff. That's what my old man, Alex. Moonshine comma, he did. Now, Phyll, that's a comma. You must know something about punctuation. When you were in school, what came at the end of the sentence? $50 in a suit from the warden. Phyllis, you let me see that composition. No! Now, it's my baby, and I'll thank you to keep your rinse off of it. Oh, stop it. I'm going to read this. Oh, Phyll, you've changed the whole idea of the composition. Well, what's wrong with that? You can't hand in an essay titled I Love Phil Harris Because. Yeah, come to think of it, that would run way over a hundred words. But honey, if you don't hand in that composition on basket weaving today, you'll flunk the cork. Well, I've got to get downtown now. Hey, maybe I'll get an idea at the pool hall. But, Phyll, don't you understand? Don't you understand? If you're serious about improving yourself and getting an education, you're going to have to take a different attitude. What do you mean? Well, an educated man doesn't hang around pool halls and go to prize fights and play cards all night the way you do. Yeah? What do them educated monkeys do for fun? Well, they follow intellectual pursuits. Oh, chase dames, huh? Well, you're hopeless. Well, I've got to get down to rehearsal. Look, give me a kiss, will you? Oh, man, and they say I married her for money. No, fellas, no, that's brutal. You're fighting me. You characters will end up playing dinner music at Barney's Beanry. We couldn't do that. Why don't you stop that, Artie? Now come on, guys. Let's take it by section. Oh, that's OK. Now let me have the reeds. Gee, that's fine. Now let me hear them strings. Thank you, Ephraim. Now open that thing up and let Dave Rose out of there. Wait a minute, Artie. Wait a minute. Can't your mother-in-law ever get to Anaheim by herself? Oh, yeah, last week I sent her up there by slum. Oh, she hitchhiked, huh? No, I tried a piece of rope behind her slum and hooked the other end to a gray honk bus. I see. Well, did she get to Anaheim all right? No, but her slum did. Oh, Artie, get her. Forget about it. Now get back there to the band. All right, fellas. If you're ever down in Texas, look me up. Look me up. If you're ever down in Texas, look me up. Where the men are men and lovers and the gals are so glad of it. So if you're ever down in Texas, look me up. Everybody's gonna holler, how'd he do? How'd he do? Everybody there will be saying, how are you? They raise corn for hot tamales and grow jollies for the follies. So if you're ever down in Texas, look me up. Ask anyone for rusty. Everybody knows of me. They'll tell you where I'm right in that bar. A, B, C, and D. So if you're ever down in Texas, look me up. Look me up. They've got everything in Texas looking up. With the moonlight on the prairie and the gal that ain't constrary. So if you're ever down in Texas, look me up. Ask anyone for filthy. They'll tell you where I'm at. They'll say that I'm in Galveston with a rock-back coat and a sets and hats. So if you're ever down in Texas, look me up. Look me up. We've got everything in Texas looking up. With the moonlight on the prairie and the gal that ain't constrary. So if you're ever down in Texas, look me up. Rock, cold, bustin', take some practice or you wind up on a cactus. So if you're ever down in Texas, look me up. Where the gals are good at figures and the cowboys quick on figures. So if you're ever down in Texas, look me up. Every gal, the raven beauty, hip-tie, coyote, wee. What I'm trying to tell you is I can't wait till I get back down there so I can hear, uh, go something like this. Uh, uh, uh, show glad y'all come by. Don't you forget to come back now, you hear? Bye now. Bye. I'm going to build a soapy palette for my Alice down in Dallas. So if you're ever down in Texas, look me up. Have you ever seen a woman whose frock is fashionable and becoming but made from very poor quality material? Well, ladies, the effect is the same if your coiffure is smart and flattering but is spoiled by stiff, dull-looking dandruff-flaked hair. That's why discriminating women who want soft, lustrous, easy-to-manage hair use Fetch Dandruff Remover Shampoo. For Fetch is the shampoo that reconditions as it cleanses, giving your hair longer-lasting beauty. Regardless of the color of your hair, regardless of the texture, Fetch Dandruff Remover Shampoo leaves your hair thoroughly cleansed, velvety smooth, shining with sparkling natural highlights. Fetch Shampoo has been granted the Good Housekeeping Seal and the Parents' Magazine Commendation Seal. So for hair that complements your coiffure, hair that shimmers and shines, use Fetch Shampoo regularly. Buy an economical bottle of Fetch Dandruff Remover Shampoo at your drug or toilet good counter or have professional applications at your beauty or barber shop. Hey, Phil. Yeah, Frankie. I told the fellas on X for rehearsals on Sunday. Is that right? Yeah, thanks. Hey, Curly, you know, I almost missed for a rehearsal this morning. Oh, well, that's all right. I only keep you in the band because your guitar has a direct wire to all tracks. Just so I can get the latest run down the morning line, bud. That's all. But what happened? Well, you know that big laundry on Sunset Boulevard? Well, just as I was walking past it, the whole darn thing blew up. Blew up? Yeah. Bloomers are flying. Oh. Bloomers are flying. Listen, Frankie, I'll see you Sunday. I got to get over to USC now. Hey, Phil, you still mucking with that college stuff? Yeah, Frankie. I'm mucking with it, but I ain't doing so good. I got to write a composition. Writing? Oh, Curly. You come for the right guy. Yeah. Hey, you know something about writing? Do I? I was known as the Kathleen Windsor of PS4. No kidding. Sure. I still read nothing but high-class literature. Pro confessions. Hargassie. Weird tale. Spicy mechanics. Spicy mechanics. Well, sure. On the cover, they got Gypsy Rose Lee holding the blowtorch. Oh, sure, sure. But this ain't helping me with my college stuff. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh, sure, sure. But this ain't helping me with my composition. Well, how much you got so far? I like basket weaving because... Well, that's a good start, Curly. No, Frank. That's the title they gave us, that. Look, Curly, what you need is a collaborator. All right, but who's going to teach me to play it? No, no, Phil. I mean, I'll help you write it. We'll pool our knowledge. Oh, Frankie, that ain't no pool. That's a bird bath. Anyway, it won't work. Do you think it's right for you to help me? Ain't it cheating or something? No, all of them big shots work together. Look at that team, Fulton and O'Sullivan. Fulton and O'Sullivan? What did they ever do? What did they ever do? They built a steamboat with rubber heels, that's all. Frankie, forget about that stuff. Look, let's go someplace and write this composition, huh? Gee, I'm hope I'm not late for class today. Man, what a composition Frankie wrote for me. Oh, this is going to murder them. Hey, look how they got the floors all waxed in this hallway. Gee whiz, I bet I could slide right from here down to my classroom. I think I'll try. Here goes. But would you mind getting your big yoghurt out of my vacuum cleaner? I can't, lady. The suction's holding it in. Well, just a minute. I'll give in as gracious. What's wrong with you? Nothing, lady, nothing's wrong with me. I'm just waiting for my head down, Parker, that's all. Well, your big yak ass. Blimey. Oh, here's the classroom here. Hello, Professor. Am I late? Late? Of course you're not late. We're just sitting around here waiting for the Robert E. Lee. Now sit down, you. Yes, sir. As students of the basket weaving class, as you know, our subject for today is, I like basket weaving because it stopped drooling, Elmer. Yeah, cut it out, Elmer. You're warping your desk. Well, Mr. Harris, since we're so alert this afternoon, suppose we hear your composition first. Are you prepared? What are you asking, Prof? I'm loaded. Yes. Well, stop reading. Reading? Yes, go ahead, fake it. Okay. Four score and seven years ago. Mr. Harris, stop reading off Gladys' head. The composition, please. Oh, yeah, the composition. All right? I like basket weaving because basket is funny thing, period. There is clothes basket, laundry basket, and most people have bread basket. Coma. Some baskets are very strong, but others are wicker. Then there is bon voyage baskets. This is to keep bon voyages in. Baskets is like pottery, only looser. Mr. Harris. And that's what I like about basket weaving. Yeah. Yeah, Mr. Harris, is that your composition? Yeah, Doc, isn't it a lullo? Mr. Harris, I'd like to tell you a little story. Why, you all rascals. Yes. Years ago, the pounders of this institution spent millions of dollars constructing these academic halls. This beautiful campus. They built a veritable wellspring of education. And you, Mr. Harris, you had to come along and sink it up. Please, Professor, please. Let's not be cloud the issue with Mr. Kesson. Mr. Harris, I've had enough. I am sending you to the dean's office. All right, Doc. Stop hollering on me. Get out, you monster! How do you like that guy? He's just sore because I'm prettier than he is. No wonder he didn't hear me, the old big-air professor. Now, where do you suppose that dean's office is? Phil, I didn't know you were here. Aren't you home from college awfully early? Yeah, yeah. Well, how did you do today? Oh, honey, they threw me out. Oh. Two SC faster than that Notre Dame backfield. But, Phil, you've been attending that class for two weeks now. What about that beautiful basket you've been working on? That's what they carried me out in. In a basket? Yeah, two seniors carried me out to the main gate and then left me in front of St. Vincent's orphanage. Honey, get a grip on yourself and tell me how all this happened. Oh, I don't know. They sent me to the dean's office. The dean's office? Yeah, and he went over my marks and read my composition and looked at my basket. Well, what did he say? Oh, he didn't say anything. He just shrugged his shoulders and handed me a loaded gun. Well, honey, maybe college just wasn't for you. After all, you still have plenty of interests in life. You have your band, your own program, a nice house and car, and your favorite horse to ride. I know, but baby Alice broke the rocker off of it. My poor little baby. Well, I don't know why it always has to happen to me. Oh, oh, oh. I'm getting some of these dates. Fill your mascaras running. It's not, it's not mascaras. Maybelline. Honey, cheer up. It's not that bad. All right, honey. He was yours as sweet as me. You're the sweetest little wife a man ever had. Am I? Yes. Now you say something nice about me. Well, we'll be back in just a moment. You've often heard the expression, a poor excuse is better than none at all. If you have bothered some unsightly dandruff and have been offering lame explanations for it, use Fitch Dandruff Remover Shampoo and you won't need any kind of excuse for dandruff. For Fitch Shampoo, actually remove dandruff the very first time you use it. In fact, Fitch is the only shampoo made who's guaranteed to remove dandruff with the first application is backed by one of the world's largest insurance firms. And it's so simple to use. All you do is apply a little Fitch Shampoo directly to the hair and scalp before adding water. Massage briskly while the antiseptic liquid penetrates and cleanses the thousands of tiny hair openings on the scalp, dissolving all traces of dandruff. Then add water, billows of rich, foamy lather form to float away the dissolved dandruff. That's all there is to it. A simple Fitch Shampoo leaves your hair tingling with that clean sensation. Free of dandruff enhanced by the fresh looks that last. Fitch is spelled F-I-T-C-H. What are you doing? I'm calling up Frankie. I'm plenty sore at that guy. What the hell? I don't care what else. Hello. Hello, Frankie. This is Phil. Oh, yeah, Curly. How's the boy? Don't how's the boy, me. That composition you wrote for me really got me in a jam today. On account of you, they sent me to the dean's office. I was blackballed from every college in the country and thrown out of USC in a basket yet. Now, you're the one who got me in all of this mess. Now, what have you got to say? You are my son, Curly. Tune in next week when the FW Fitch Company again brings you the Fitch Bandwagon with Alice Faye and Phil Harris. This program is written by Bob Mosier and Joe Connolly, directed by Paul Phillips, with the original music composed and conducted by Walter Sharp. Included in the cast were Jeanine Rousse and Whitfield and Elliot Lewis. Alice Faye appears to the courtesy of 20th Century Fox. Men, use Fitch's ideal hair tonic daily. It makes your scalp tingle with that feeling of new life and pep. Fitch's ideal is not sticky or greasy, so pep up your scalp and give your hair that well-groomed look with Fitch's ideal hair tonic. Phil Foreman speaking. The National Broadcasting Company.