 Βολυμ 1, Chapter 12, of the autobiography of Madame Keon. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. The autobiography of Madame Keon by Jean Keon, Vol. 1, Chapter 12. The treatment of my husband and mother-in-law, however rigorous and insulting, I now bore silently. I made no replies, and this was not so difficult for me, because the greatness of my interior occupation and what passed within rendered me insensible to all the rest. There were times when I was left to myself. Then I could not refrain from tears. I did the lowest offices for them to humble myself. All these did not win their favor. When they were in a rage, although I could not find that I had given them any occasion, yet I did not fail to beg their pardon. Even from the girl of whom I have spoken, I had a good deal of pain to surmount myself as to the last. She became the more insolent for it. Reproaching me with things which owe to have made her blush and had covered her with shame. As she saw that I contradicted and resisted her no more in anything, she proceeded to treat me worse. When I asked her pardon, she triumphed, saying, I knew very well I was in the right. Her arrogance rose to the high that I could not have treated the meanest slave. One day, as she was dressing me, she pulled me roughly and spoke to me insolently. I said, it is not my account that I am willing to answer you, for you give me no pain, but lest you should act that before persons to whom it will give offence. Moreover, as I am your mistress, God is assuredly offended with you. She left me that moment and run like a mad woman to meet my husband, telling him she will stay no longer. I treated her so ill, that I hate her for the care she took of him in his continual indispositions, wanting her not to do any service for him. My husband was very hasty, so he took fire at these words. I finished dressing alone. Since she had left me, I dare not call another girl. She will not suffer another girl to come near me. I saw my husband coming like a lion. He was never in such a rage as this. I thought he was going to strike me. I awaited the blow with tranquility. He threatened with his uplifted crutch. I thought he was going to knock me down. Holding myself closely united to God, I beheld it without pain. He did not strike me, for he had presence of mind enough to see what in dignity it will be. In his rage, he threw it at me. It fell near me, but it did not touch me. He then discharged himself in a language, as if I had been a street beggar, or the most infamous of creatures. I kept profound silence, being recollected in the Lord. The girl in the meantime came in. At the sight of her, his rage redoubled. I kept near to God, as a victim disposed to suffer whatever he would permit. My husband ordered me to beg her pardon, which I readily did, thereby appeased him. I went into my closet, where I would no sooner was, than my divine director, embelled me to make this girl a present, to recompense her for the cross which she had caused me. She was a little astonished, but her heart was too hard to be gained. I often asked that, because she frequently gave me opportunities. She had a singular dexterity in attending the sick. My husband, ailing almost continually, would suffer no other person to administer to him. He had a very great regard for her. She was artful. In his presence, she affected an extraordinary respect for me. When she was not present, if I said a word to her, though with the greatest mildness, and if she heard him coming, she cried out with all her might that she was unhappy. She acted like one distressed, so that, without informing himself of the truth, he was irritated against me, as was also my mother-in-law. The violence I did to my crown and hasty nature was so great, that I could hold out no longer. I was quite spent with it. It seemed sometimes as if I was inwardly rent, and I have often fallen sick with the struggle. She did not forbear exclaiming against me, even before persons of distinction who came to see me. If I was silent, she took offense at that yet more, and said that I despised her. She cried me down and made complaints to everybody. All this be downed to my honor and her own disgrace. My reputation was so well established on account of my exterior modesty, my devotion, and the great acts of charity which I did, that nothing could shake it. Sometimes she ran out into the street, crying out against me. At one time she exclaimed, I'm not I very unhappy to have such a mistress. People gather about her to know what I had done to her, and not knowing what to say, she answered that I had not spoken to her all the day. They returned, laughing, and said, She has done you no great harm, then. I am surprised at the blindness of confessors, and at the permitting the penitence to conceal so much of the truth from them. The confessor of this girl made her pass for a saint. This he said in my hearing. I answer nothing, for love will not permit me to speak of my troubles. I should consider them all to God by a profound silence. My husband was out of humor with my devotion. What, said he, you love God so much that you love me no longer? So little did he comprehend that the true, conchical love is that which the Lord himself forms in the heart that loves him. Of thou who art pure and holy, thou this team printing me from the first such a love of chastity, that there was nothing in the world which I will not have undergone to possess and preserve it. I endeavoured to be agreeable to my husband in anything and to please him in everything he would require of me. God gave me such a purity of soul at that time that I had not so much as a bad thought. Sometimes my husband said to me, one sees plainly that you never lose the presence of God, the word seeing I quit it, persecuted and turned me into ridicule. I was its entertainment and the subject of its fables. It could not bear that a woman scarce twenty years of age should that make war against it and overcome. My mother-in-law took part with the word and blamed me for not doing many things that in her heart she would have been highly offended had I done them. I was as one lost and alone. So little communion had I with the creature, father than necessity, require. I seemed to experience literally those words of Paul. I live yet no more I, but Christ lived in me. His operations were so powerful, so sweet and so secret altogether that I could not express them. We went into the country on some business. Oh, what a terrible communications did I there experience in retirement. I was insatiable for prayer. I arose at four o'clock in the morning to pray. I went very far to the church which was so situated that the coach could not come to eat. There was a steep hill to go down and another to ascend. All that cost me nothing. I had such a longing desire to meet with my God as my only good, who on his part was graciously forward to give himself to his poor creature and for it to do even visible miracles. Such a so me little life, so very different from the women of the world said I was a fool. They adript you to stupidity. Sometimes they said, what can all this mean? Some people think this lady has parts, but nothing of them appears. If I went into company, often I could not speak. So much was I engaged within, so inward with the Lord, as not to attend to anything else. If any near me spoke, I heard nothing. I generally took on with me that this might not appear. I took some work to hide under that appearance the rear employe of my heart. When I was alone, the work dropped out of my hand. I wanted to persuade a relation of my husbands to practice prayer. She thought me a fool for depriving myself of all the amusements of the age. But the Lord opened her eyes to make her despise them. I could have wished to teach all the word to love God and thought it depended only on them to feel what I felt. The Lord made use of my thinking to gain many souls to Himself. The good Father I have spoken of, who was the instrument of my conversion, made me acquainted with Genevieve Granger, prior as of the Benedictines, one of the greatest servants of God of her time. She proved a very great service to me. My confessor, who had told everyone that I was a saint before, went so full of miseries and so far from the condition to which the Lord, in his mercy, had now brought me, seeing I placed a confidence in the Father of whom I have spoken and that I steered in a road which was unknown to Him, declared openly against me. The monks of His order persecuted me much. They even preached publicly against me as a person under a delusion. My husband and mother-in-law, who till now had been indifferent about this confessor, then joined Him and ordered me to live off prayer and the exercise of piety that I could not do. There I was carried on a conversation within me, very different from that which passed without. I did what I could to hinder it from appearing, but could not. The presence of so great a master manifested itself, even on my countenance. That pain my husband, he sometimes told me. I did what I could to hinder it from being notice, but was not able completely to hide it. I was so much inwardly occupied that I knew not what I ate. I made as if I ate some kinds of meat, though I did not take any. This deep inward attention suffered me scarcely to hear or see anything. I still continue to use many severe modifications and austerities. They did not, in the least, diminish the freshness of my countenance. I have often grievous feats of sickness and no consolation in life, except in the practice of prayer and in seeing Mother Granture. How dear did this cost me, especially the former? Is this steaming the cross as I owed? Should I not rather say that prayer to me was recompensed with the cross and the cross with prayer? Inseparable gifts united in my heart and life. When your eternal light arose in my soul, how perfectly it reconciled me and made you the object of my love. From the moment I received thee, I have never been free from the cross, nor it seems without prayer. Though for a long time I thought myself deprived thereof, which exceedingly augmented my afflictions. My confessor at first exerted his efforts to hinder me from practicing prayer and from seeing Mother Granture. He violently stir up my husband and mother-in-law to hinder me from praying. The method they took was to watch me from morning until night. I did not go out from my mother-in-law's room or from my husband's bedside. Sometimes I carried my work to the window under a pretense of seeing better in order to relieve myself with some moment's repose. They came to watch me very closely to see if I did not pray instead of working. When my husband and mother-in-law played cards, if I did turn toward the fire, they watched to see if I continue my work or shut my eyes. If they observed I closed them, they would be in a fury against me for several hours. What is most strange, when my husband went out having some days of hell, he would not allow me to pray in his absence. He marked my work and sometimes, after he has just gone out, returning immediately, if he found me in prayer, he would be in a rage. In vain, I said, surely, sir, what matters what I do when you are absent? If I be a citrus in attending you when you are present, that will not satisfy him. He insisted that I should no more pray in his absence than in his presence. I believe there is hardly a torment equal to that of being ardently drawn to retirement and not having it in one's power to be retired. Oh my God, the world they raised to hinder me from loving thee did but augment my love. While they were striving to prevent my addresses to thee, they drewest me into inexpressible silence. The more they labored to separate me from thee, the more closely this thou unite me to thyself. The flame of thy love was kindled and kept up by everything that was done to extinguish it. Often, through compliance, I played at picket with my husband. At such times, I was even more interiorly attracted than if I had been at church. I was cursed able to contain the fire which burned in my soul, which had all the fervor of what men call love, but nothing of its impetuosity. The more ardent, the more peaceable it was. This fire gained strength from everything that was done to suppress it and the spirit of prayer was nourished and increased from their contrivances and endeavors to disallow me any time for practicing it. I loved without considering a motive or reason for loving. Nothing passed in my head but much in the innermost recesses of my soul. I thought not about any recompense, gift or favor, which he could bestow or I receive. The well-beloved was himself the only object which attracted my heart. I could not contemplate his adriptutes. I knew nothing else but to love and to suffer. Ήγνωρας more truly learned than any science of the doctors, since it taught me so well Jesus Christ crucified and brought me to be in love with his Holy Cross. I could have wished to die in order to be inseparably united to him who so powerfully attracted my heart. As all this passed in the will, the imagination and the understanding being absorbed in it, I knew not what to say, having never read or heard of such a state as I experienced. I dreaded delusion and fear that all was not right, for before this I had known nothing of the operations of God in souls. I had only read St. Francis de Sales, Thomas Icambis, the Spiritual Combat and the Holy Scriptures. I was quite a stranger to those spiritual books wherein such states are described. Then all those amusements and pleasures that are prized and esteemed appear to me dull and incipit. I wonder how it would be that I had ever enjoyed them. And indeed, since that time I could never find any satisfaction or enjoyment out of God. I have sometimes been unfaithful enough to find it. I was not astonished that martyrs gave their lives for Jesus Christ. I thought them happy and sighed after the privilege of suffering for him. I saw esteemed the cross that my greatest trouble was the want of suffering as much as my heart thirsted for. This respect and esteem for the cross continually increased. Afterward, I lost the sensible relish and enjoyment, yet the love and esteem no more left me than the cross itself. Indeed, it has ever been my faithful companion, changing and augmenting in proportion to the changes and dispositions of my inward state. Oh blessed cross, Thou hast never quitted me since I surrendered myself to my divine crucified master. I still hoped that Thou would never abandon me. So eager was I for the cross that I endeavoured to make myself feel the utmost rigor of every mortification. This only served to awaken my desire for suffering and to show me that it is God alone that can prepare and send crosses suitable to a soul that thirst for a following of his sufferings and a conformity to his death. The more my state of prayer augmented, my desire of suffering grew stronger as the full weight of heavy crosses from every side came thundering upon me. The peculiar property of this prayer of the heart is to give a strong faith. My mind was without limits, as was also my resignation to God and my confidence in Him. My love of His will and of the order of His providence over me. I was very timorous before, but now fear nothing. It is in such a case that one feels the efficacy of these words. My yoke is easy, and my burden is light. Matthew chapter 11 verse 30 and of volume 1 chapter 12. Volume 1 chapter 13 of the autobiography of Madame Keon. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. The autobiography of Madame Keon by Jean Keon. Volume 1 chapter 13. I had a secret desire given me from that time to be wholly devoted to the disposal of my God. Let that be what it would, I said. What couldst thou demand of me that I will not willingly offer thee? O, spare me not. The cross and humiliations were represented to my mind in the most frightful colors. But this determined me not. I yielded myself up as willing, and indeed, our Lord seemed to accept of my sacrifice. For his divine providence furnished me incessantly with occasions and opportunities for putting it to the test. I had difficulty to say vocal prayers I had been used to repeat. As soon as I opened my lips to pronounce them, the love of God seized me strongly. I was swallowed up in a profound silence and inexpressible peace. I made fresh attempts, but still in vain. I began again and again, but could not go on. Had never before heard of such a state, I knew not what to do. My inability increased because my love to the Lord was growing more strong, more violent, and more overpowering. There was made in me, without the sound of words, a continual prayer. It seemed to me to be the prayer of our Lord Jesus Christ Himself. A prayer of the word, which is made by the Spirit. According to Saint Paul, it asks for us that which is good, perfect, and conformable to the will of God. Romans 8, 26-27 My domestic crosses continued. I was prevented from seeing, or even writing to Mother Cruncher. My very going to divine service or the sacrament were a source of wayful offences. The only amusement I had left me was the visiting and attending the sick poor and performing the lowest offices for them. My prayer time began to be exceedingly distressing. I compelled myself to continue at it, though deprived of all comfort and consolation. When I was not employed therein, I felt an ardent desire and longing for it. I suffer inexpressible anguish in my mind, an endeavor with the severest inflections of corporeal austerities to medicate and divert it, but in vain. I found no more that enlivening vigor which had hitherto carried me on with great swiftness. I seemed to myself to be like those young bribes who find a great deal of difficulty to lay aside the self-love and to follow the husbands to the world. I relapsed into a vain complacence and fondness for myself. My propensity to pride and vanity, which seemed quite dead, while I was so filled with love of God, now showed itself again and gave me severe exercise. This made me lament the exterior beauty of my person and prayed to God incessantly that he would remove from me that obstacle and make me ugly. I could even have wished to be deaf, blind, dumb, that nothing might divert me from my love of God. I set out on a journey which we had then to make and I appear more than ever like those lamps which emit a glimmering flash when they are just on the point of extinguishing. Αλλάς, how many nerves were laid in my way? I met them at every step. I even committed infidelities through unwatchfulness. O my Lord, with what rigor did thou punish them? A useless glance was checked as a sin. How many tears did those inadvertent faults cost me through a weak compliance and even against my will? Thou knowest that thy rigor exercised after my slips was not the motive of those tears which I shed. With what pleasure would I have suffered the most rigorous severity to have been cure of my infidelity? To what severe chastisement did I not condemn myself? Sometimes thou distreat me like a father who pitis the child and caress it after its involuntary faults. How often did thou make me sensible of thy love toward me, not withstanding my plamishes? It was the sweetness of this love after my faults which caused my greatest pain. For the more the amiableness of thy love was extended to me, the more inconsolable I was for having departed ever so little from thee. When I had let some inadvertence escape me, I found thee ready to receive me. I have often cried out, O my Lord, is it possible, thou canst be so gracious to such an offender and so indulgent to my faults? So propitious to one who has wandered astray from thee by vain compliances and an unworthy fondness for frivolous objects? Yet no sooner do I return that I find thee waiting with open arms ready to receive me. Oh sinner, sinner, has thou any reason to complain of God? If there yet remains in thee any justice, confess the truth and admit that it is owing to thyself if thou go strong, that in departing from him thou disobeyest his call. When thou returnest, he is ready to receive thee, and if thou returnest not, he makes use of the most engaging motives to win thee, yet thou turnest a deaf ear to his voice. I will not hear him, thou sayest, he speaks not to thee, though he calls loudly. It is therefore only because thou daily rebellest and art growing daily more and more deaf to the voice. When I was in Paris and the clerks saw me so young, they appear astonished. Those to whom I opened my state told me that I could never enough thank God for the graces conferred on me, that if I knew them, I should be amazed at them, that if I were not faithful, I should be the most ungrateful of all creatures. Some declare that they never knew any woman whom God held so closely and so great a purity of conscience. I believe what render it so was the continual care thou hast over me. Oh my God, making me feel thy presence, even as thou hast promised it to us in thy gospel. If a man loved me, my father would love him, and we would come on to him and make our abode with him. John 14 verse 23. The continual exercise of thy presence in me was what preserved me. I became deeply assured of what the prophet had said, except the Lord kept the city, the watchman waked but in vain. Psalms 127 verse 1. Thou, on my love, wear'd my faithful keeper, who disdefend my heart against all sorts of enemies, preventing the least faults or correcting them when vivacity had occasioned thee being committed. But alas, when thou disease to watch for me, all left me to myself, how weak was I, and how easily did my enemies prevail over me. Let others ascribe their victory to their own fatality, as for me, I shall never adrip you them to anything else than thy parental care. I have too often experienced to my cause what I shall be without thee, to presume in the least on my cares of my own. It is to thee, and to thee only, that I owe everything, o my deliverer, and my being indebted to thee, for then gives me infinite joy. While in Paris, I relaxed and did many things which I should not. I knew the extreme fondness which some had for me, and suffered them to express it without checking it as I owed. I fell into other faults too, as having my neck a little too bare, though not near so much as others had. I plainly saw I was too remise, and that was my torment. I saw all about for him who had secretly inflamed my heart. But alas, hardly anybody knew him. I cry, all thou best beloved of my soul, has thou been near me. These disasters had not befallen me. When I say that, I spoke that to him. It is but to explain myself. In reality, it all passed almost in silence, for I could not speak. My heart had a language which was carried on without the sound of words understood of him, as he understands the language of the word, which speaks incessantly in the innermost recesses of the soul. Oh sacred language, experience only gives the comprehension of it. Let not anything it a barren language, an effect of the mere imagination, far different, it is the silent expression of the word in the soul. As he never ceases to speak, so he never ceases to operate. If people once came to know the operation of the Lord, in souls wholly resigned to his guiding, it will fill them with reverential admiration and awe. I saw that the purity of my state was like to be solid by too great a commerce with the creatures. So I made haste to finish what detain me in Paris in order to return to the country. It is true of my Lord, I felt that thou has given me strength enough to avoid the occasions of evil. But when I had so far yielded as to get into them, I found I could not resist the vain compliances and a number of other foibles which they snare me into. The pain which I felt after my faults was inexpressible. It was not an anguish that arose from my distinct idea or conception. From any particular motive or affection, but a kind of devouring fire which ceases not till the fault was consumed and the soul purified. It was a punishment of my soul from the presence of its beloved. I could have no access to him, neither could I have any rest out of him. I knew not what to do. I was like the dove out of the ark, which finding no rest for the soul of your food was constrained to return to the ark. But finding the window shut could only fly about. In the meantime, through an infidelity which will ever render me culpable, I strove to find some satisfaction without but could not. These served to convince me of my folly and of the vanity of those pleasures which are called innocent. When I was prevail on to taste them, I felt a strong repulse which joined with my remorse for the transgression, changed the diversion into torment. Oh, my father said I, this is not thee, and nothing else beside thee can give solid pleasure. One day, as much through unfaithfulness as complacence, I went to take a walk at some of the public parks, rather from excess of vanity, to show myself than to take the pleasure of the place. Oh, my lord, how this thou make me sensible of this fault, but far from punishing me in letting me partake of the amusement, thou disted in holding me so close to thyself, that I could give no attention to anything but my fault and thy displeasure. After this, I was invited with some other ladies to an entertainment at St. Cloud. Through vanity and weak compliance, I yielded and went. The affair was magnificent. They, though wise in the eye of the world, could relish it. I was filled with bitterness. I could eat nothing. I could enjoy nothing. Oh, what tears! For beyond three months, my beloved, we drew his favor in presence, and I could see nothing but an angry god. I was on this occasion and in another journey, which I took with my husband into terrain, like those animals destined for laughter. On certain days, people adorn them with greens and flowers and bring in pop into the city before they kill them. This weak beauty on the eve of decline shone forth with new brightness in order to become the sooner extinct. I was shortly after afflicted with the small box. One day, as I walked to church, followed by a footman, I was met by a poor man. I went to give him alms. He thanked me, but refused them, and then spoke to me in a wonderful manner of God and of divine things. He displayed to me my whole heart, my love to God, my charity, my two great fondness for my beauty, and all my faults. He told me it was not enough to avoid hell, but that the law required of me the utmost purity and high of perfection. My heart assented to his reproves. I heard him with silence and respect. His words penetrated my very soul. When I arrived at the church, I fainted away. I have never seen the man since. This is a library box recording. All library box recordings are in the public domain. For more information, or to volunteer, please visit librarybox.org. The autobiography is entitled The Library Box recording. This is one of the most important recordings in the library. βλέπω αμπάνωσης και αμπάνωσης, αλλά πώς βλέπω το φιλό της άνθρωσης άνθρωσης που βλέπουν με αμπάνωσης. Βλέπω τη δημιουργία, αλλά όχι αυτό που βλέπω, όχι όχι, πάνω φορά, θέλω να το διδείξω από αυτό. Η συγγελματική συμβουλία της φωρίας διδείξε με αμπάνωσης. Η συγγελματική συμβουλία με αμπάνωσης, η δημιουργία, μεταξύ του. Αυτό που βλέπω, η δημιουργία was that the esteemed in me virtue joined with youth and beauty. They did not know that all the virtue is only in God and His protection and weakness in myself. I went in search of confessors to accuse myself of my falling and to bewail my back slightings. They were utterly insensible of my pain. They esteemed what God condemned. They treated as a virtue what to me appear detestable in His sight. Far from measuring my faults by His grace, they only consider what I was in comparison of what I might have been. Hence, instead of blaming me, they only flutter my pride. They justified me in what incurred His rebuke or only treated as a slight fault what in me was highly displeasing to Him from whom I had received such signal mercies. The heinousness of sins is not to be measured singly by the nature but also by the state of the person who commits them. The least unfaithfulness in a spouse is more interious to her husband than far greater ones in his domestics. I told them all the trouble I had been under for not having entirely covered my neck but was covered much more than was covered by other women of my age. He assured me that I was very modestly dressed. As my husband liked my dress there could be nothing amass in it. My inward director taught me quite the contrary. I had not courage enough to follow him to dress myself differently from others at my age. My vanity furnished me with pretenses seemingly just for following fashions. If pastors knew what hurt they do in humoring female vanity they would be more severe against it. Had I found but one person honest enough to deal plainly with me I should not have gone on. But my vanity, citing with the declare opinion of all others induced me to think them right and my own screples mere fancy. We met with accidents in this journey sufficient to have terrified anyone. Though corrupt nature prevailed so far as I have just mentioned yet my resignation to God was so strong that I passed fearless even when there was apparently no possibility of escape. To one time we got into a narrow pass and did not perceive until we were too far advanced to draw back that the road was undermined by the river Luar which ran beneath and the banks had fallen in so that in some places the footmen were obliged to support one side of the courage. All those around me were terrified to the highest degree yet God kept me perfectly tranquil. I secretly rejoiced at the prospect of losing my life by a singular stroke of his providence. On my return I went to see Mother Grancher to whom I related how it had been with me while abroad. She strengthened and encouraged me to pursue my first design. She advised me to cover my neck which I have done ever since not withstanding the singularity of it. The Lord who had so long deferred the chastisement merited by such a series of infetalities now began to punish me for the abuse of his grace. Sometimes I wished to retire to a covenant and thought it lawful. I found wherein I was weak that my faults were always of the same nature. I wished to hide myself if some gave or to be confined in a dreary prison rather than enjoy a liberty by which I suffer so much. Divine love gently drew me inward and vanity dragged me outward. My heart was rent asunder by the contest as I neither gave myself wholly up to the one nor the other. I besaw my God to deprive me of power to displease him and cried, Are thou not strong enough wholly to eradicate this unjust duplicity out of my heart? For my vanity broke forth when occasions offer yet I quickly returned to God. He, instead of repulsing or abrating me, often received me with open arms and gave me fresh testimonials of his love. They filled me with the most painful reflections on my offense. Though this wretched vanity was still so prevalent, yet my love to God was such that after my wanderings I would rather have chosen his rod than his caresses. His interests were more dear to me than my own and I wished to have done himself justice upon me. My heart was full of grief and of love. I was tongue to the quick for offending him who showered his grace so profusely upon me that those who know not God should offend him by sin is not to be wanderer, but that the heart hurt him more than itself and so fully experienced his love should be seduced by profanities which detests is a cruel martyrdom when I fell most strongly thy presence and thy love O Lord, set I How wonderfully thou bestowest thy favors on such a wretched creature who requits thee only with ingratitude for if anyone reads this life with attention he will see on God's part nothing but goodness mercy and love on my part nothing but weakness sin and infidelity I have nothing to glory in but my infirmities and my unworthiness since in that everlasting marriage union thou has made with me I brought with me nothing but weakness, sin and misery How I rejoice to own all to thee that thou favorest my heart with a sight of the treasures boundless riches of thy grace and love thou has dealt by me as if a magnificent king should marry a poor slave forget her slavery give her all the ornaments which may render her pleasing in his eyes and freely burden her all the faults and ill qualities which her ignorance and bad education had given her this thou has made my case my poverty has become my riches and in the externity of my weakness I have found my strength Oh, if any knew with what confusion the indulgence favors of God covered the soul after its folds such a soul would wish with all its power to satisfy the divine justice I made verses and little songs to bewail myself I exercised austerities but they did not satisfy my heart they were like those drops of water which only served to make the fire hotter When I take a view of God and myself I am obliged to cry out Oh, admirable conduct of love towards an ungrateful rage Oh, horrible ingratitude toward such unbarreled goodness A great part of my life is only a mixture of such things as might be enough to sing me to the grave between grief and love End of chapter 14, volume 1 Volume 1, chapter 15 of the autobiography of Madame Keon This is the LibriVox recording All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain For more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org The autobiography of Madame Keon by Jean Keon Volume 1, chapter 15 On my arrival at home I found my husband taken with the gout and his other complaints My little daughter was ill and liked to die of the small box My eldest son too, took it And it was of so malignant a type that it rendered him as this figure as before he was beautiful As soon as I perceived the small box was in the house I had no doubt but I should take it Mother Granger advised me to leave if I could My father offered to take me home with my second son whom I tenderly loved My mother-in-law would not suffer it She persuaded my husband it was useless and sent for a physician who seconded her in it saying I should as readily take it at a distance as here if I were disposed to take it I may say she proved at that time a second chieftain and that she sacrificed us both though innocently Had she known what followed I doubt not but she would have acted otherwise All the town steered in this affair Everyone begged her to send me out of the house and cry out that it was cruel to expose me that They set upon me too imagining I was unwilling to go I had not told that she was so averse to it I had at that time no other disposition than to sacrifice myself to divine providence Though I might have removed not withstanding my mother-in-law's resistance yet I would not without her consent because it looked to me as if her resistance was an order of heaven I continued in this spirit of sacrifice to God waiting from moment to moment in an entire resignation for whatever he should be pleased to ordain I cannot express what nature suffered I was like one who sees both certain death and an easy remedy without being able to avoid the former or try the latter I had no less apprehension than my younger son My mother-in-law so excessively doubted on the eldest that the rest of us were indifferent to her Yet I am sure if she had known the younger would have died of the small box she would not have acted as she did God makes use of creatures and their natural inclinations to accomplish his designs When I see in the creatures a conduct which appears unreasonable and mortifying I mount higher and look upon them as instruments both of the mercy and justice of God His justice is full of mercy I told my husband that my stomach was sick that I was taking the small box He said it was only imagination I let Mother Granger know the situation I was in As she had a tender heart she was affected by the treatment I met with and encouraged me to offer myself up to the Lord At length, nature, finding that I was no resource consented to the sacrifice which my spirit had already made The disorder gained ground apace I was seized with a great shivering and pained both in my head and stomach They would not yet believe that I was sick In a few hours it went so far that they thought my life in danger I was also taken with an inflammation on my lungs and the remedies for the one disorder were contrary to the other My mother-in-law's favorite physician was not in town nor the resident surgeon Another surgeon said that I must be bled but my mother-in-law would not suffer it at that time I was on the point of death for the want of proper assistance My husband, not being able to see me left me entirely to his mother She would not allow my physician but her own to prescribe from me and yet did not send for him though he was within a day's journey In this extremity I opened not my mouth I looked for life or death from the hand of God without destifying the least uneasiness The peace I enjoyed within on account of that perfect resignation in which God kept me by his grace was so great that it made me forget myself in the midst of oppressive disorders The Lord's protection was indeed wonderful How often have I been reduced to extremity Yet he never failed to suffer When things appear more desperate it pleased him so to order it that the skillful surgeon who had attend me before passing by our house inquire after me They told him I was extremely ill He alighted immediately and came to see me Never was a man more surprised when he saw the condition I was in The small box which could not come out had fallen on my nose with such force that it was quite black He thought there had been gun green and that it was going to fall off My eyes were like two golds that I was not alarmed At that time I could have made a sacrifice of all things and was pleased that God should avenge himself on that face but betray me into so many infidelities He also was so affrighted that he went into my mother-in-law's room and told her that it was most shameful to let me die in that manner for want of bleeding She still opposed it violently so that in short she told him, luckily, that he will not suffer it but the physician returned He flew into such a rage at seeing me that's left without sending for the physician that he reproved my mother-in-law in the severest manner but it was all in vain He came up again presently and said If you choose, I will bleed you and save your life I held out my arm to him and though it was extremely swell he bled me in an instant My mother-in-law was in a violent passion The small box came out immediately He ordered that they should have me bled again in the evening but she will not suffer it Fear of displeasing my mother-in-law and a total resignation of myself into the hands of God I did not retain him I am more particular to show how advantageous it is to resign oneself to God without reserve Though, in appearance, he leave us for a time to prove and exercise our faith Yet, he never fail us When our need of him is the more pressing One may say with the scripture It is God who brings down to the gates of death and raised up again The blackness and swelling of my nose went away and I believe had they continued to bleed me but it had been pretty easy For one of that I grew worse again The modesty fell into my eyes and inflamed them with such severe pain that I thought I should lose them both I had violent pain for three weeks during which time I got little sleep When I did not shut my eyes they were so full of the small box nor opened them by reason of the pain My throat, palate, and gums were likewise so filled with the puck that I could not swallow, breath or take nourishment without suffering extremely My whole body looked leprous All that saw me said that they had never seen such a shocking spectacle But as to my soul it was kept in a content not to be expressed The hopes of its liberty but the loss of that beauty which had so frequently brought me under bondage rendered me so satisfied and so united to God that I will not have changed my condition for that of the most happy prince in the world Everyone thought I would be inconsolable Several expressed their sympathy in my bad condition as they judged it I lay still in the secret fruition of a joy unspeakable in this total deprivation of what had been as near to my pride and to the passions of men I praised God in profound silence None ever heard any complaints from me Either of my pains or the loss I sustained The only thing I had said was that I rejoiced at and was exceedingly thankful for my superior liberty I gained thereby and they construed this as a great crime My confessor who had been dissatisfied with me before came to see me He asked me if I was not sorry for having the small box and he now taxed me with pride for my answer My little boy took the distember the same day with myself and died for want of care This blow indeed struck me to the heart but yet, throwing strength from my weakness I offered him up and said to God as job deed Thou gavest him to me and thou taxed him from me Let it be thy holy name The spirit of sacrifice possessed me so strongly that though I loved this child tendonly I never shed a tear at hearing of his death The day he was buried the doctor sent to tell me he had not placed a tombstone upon his grave because my little girl could not survive him two days My eldest son was not yet out of danger so that I saw myself stripped of all my children at once my husband indisposed and myself extremely so The Lord did not take my little girl then and prolonged her life some years At last my mother-in-law's physician arrived at a time wherein he could not be of but little service to me When he saw the strange inflammation in my eyes he bled me several times but it was too late and those blittings which would have been so proper at first did nothing but waken me now They could not even blit me in the condition I was in but with the greatest difficulty My arms were so swallowed that the surgeon was obliged to push in the lands to a great depth However, the bleeding, being out of season had like to have caused my death This, I confess, would have been very agreeable to me I looked upon death as the greatest blessing for me yet I saw well I had nothing to hope in that sight and that instead of meeting with so desirable an event I must prepare myself to support the trials of life After my eldest son was better he got up and came into my room I was surprised at that extraordinary change I saw in him His face, lately so fair and beautiful was become like a coarse spot of air all full of furrows That gave me the curiosity to view myself I felt shocked for I saw that God had ordered the sacrifice in all its reality Some things fell out by the contriiety of my mother-in-law that caused me severe crosses They put the finishing stroke to my son's face However, my heart was firm in God and strengthened itself by the number and greatness of my sufferings I was as a victim incessantly offered upon the altar to him who first sacrificed himself for love What shall I render to the Lord for all His benefits toward me I will take the cup of salvation and call upon the name of the Lord These words I can truly say Oh my God have been the delight of my heart and have had the effect on me through my whole life I have been continually hit with Thy blessings and Thy cross My principal attraction besides that of suffering for Thee has been to yield myself up without resistance inderiably and exteriorly to all Thy divine disposals These gifts which I was favored with from the beginning have continued and increased until now Thou hast thyself guided my continual crosses and led me through paths impenetrable to all but Thee They sent me for matins to recover my complexion and to fill up the hollows of the small box I had seen wonderful effects from Me upon others and therefore at first had a mind to try them but jealous of God's work I would not suffer it There was a voice in my heart which said If I would have had Thee fair I would have left Thee as Thou were I was therefore obliged to lay aside every remedy and to go into Thee earth which made the pitting worse to expose myself in the street when the redness of the small box was at the worst in order to make my humiliation triumph where I had exalted my pride My husband kept to his bed almost all the time and made good use of his indisposition only as he now lost that which before gave him so much pleasure in viewing Me He grew much more susceptible to impressions which any gave him against Me In consequence of this the persons who spoke to him to my disadvantage finding themselves now better hacken too spoke more bodily and more frequently that I was only Thou, oh my God, who changed not for Me Thou didst redouble my interior graces in proportion as Thou didst augment my exterior crosses End of Chapter 15, Volume 1 The autobiography of Madame Keon by Jean Keon This is a LibriVox recording All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain For more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org The autobiography of Madame Keon by Jean Keon Volume 1, Chapter 16 My mate became every day more hotty Seeing that your scoldings and outcries did not now torment me she thought if she could hinder me from going to the communion she would give me the greatest of all vexations she was not mistaken Oh divine spouse of pure souls since the only satisfaction of my life was to receive and to honor thee I gave everything of the finest I had to furnish the churches with ornaments and contributed to the utmost extent of my abilities to make them have silver plates and chalices Oh my love, I cried Let me be thy victim Spare nothing to annihilate me I felt an inexpressible longing to be more reduced and to become as it were nothing This girl then knew my affection for the holy sacrament where when I could have liberty for it I passed several hours on my knees She took it in her head to watch me daily When she discovered me going she ran to tell my mother-in-law and my husband They needed no more to chakrin them They invectives lasted for whole day If a word escaped me in my own justification it was enough to make them say that I was guilty of sacrilege and to raise an outcry against all devotion If I made them no answer at all they still heightened their indignation and said the most great in things that they called devise If I fell sick, which often happened They took occasion to come to quarrel with me at my bed saying my communion and prayers were what made me sick They spoke as if there had been nothing else could make me ill, but my devotion to thee Oh my beloved She told me one day that she was going to write to my director to get him to stop me from going to the communion When I made no answer she cried out as loud as she could that I treated her ill and despised her When I went to prayers though I had taken care to arrange everything about the house she ran to tell my husband that I was going and had left nothing in order When I returned home his rage fell on me in all its violence They would hear none of my reasons but said they were all a pack of lies My mother-in-law persuaded my husband that I let everything go to wreck but did not take the care of things he would be ruined He believed it and I bore all with patience endeavoring as well as I called to do my duty What gave most trouble was not knowing what course to take or when I order anything without her she complained that I showed her no respect I did things of my own head and that they were done always the worst for it Then she would order them contrary If I consulted her to know what or how she would have anything to be done she said that I compelled her to have the care and trouble of everything I had scarcely any rest but what I found in the love of thy will Oh my God and submission to thy orders however rigorous they might be They incessantly watched my words and actions to find occasion against me They chided me all the day long continually repeating and harping over and over the same things even before the servants How often have I made my meals on my tears which were interrupted as the most criminal in the world They said I would be damned as if the tears would open hell for me which surely they were more likely to extinguish If I recited anything I had heard they would render me accountable for the truth of it If I kept silence they ducked me with condemned and perverseness If I knew anything without telling them that was a crime If I told it then they said I had forged it Sometimes they tormented me for several days successively without giving me any relaxation The girls said I ought to feign sickness to get a little rest I made no reply The love of God so closely possessed me It will not allow me to seek relief by a single word or even by a look Sometimes I set in myself Oh, that I had but anyone who could take notice of me or to whom I might unburden myself what a relief it could be to me but it was not grounded me If I happened to be for some days free from the exterior cross it was a most sensible distress to me and indeed a punishment more difficult to bear than the severest trials I then comprehended what St. Teresa says Let me suffer or die For this absence of the cross was so grievous to me that I languish with desire for its return But no sooner was this earnest longing granted and the blessed cross returned again than strange as it may seem it appeared so weight and so burdensome as to be almost insupportable Though I loved my father extremely and he loved me tenderly yet I never spoke to him of my sufferings One of my relations who loved me very much perceived the little moderation they used toward me They spoke very roughly to me before him He was highly displeased and told my father of it acting that I would pass for a fool Soon after I went to see my father who contrary to his custom sharply reprimanded me for suffering them to treat me in such a manner without saying anything in my own defense I answer If they knew what my husband said to me was confusion enough for me without my bringing any more of it on myself by replies that if they did not notice it I owe not to cause it to be observed nor expose my husband's weakness that remaining silent stopped all disputes whereas I might cause them to be continued and increased by my replies My father answered that I did well and that I should continue to act as God should inspire me and after that he never spoke to me of it anymore They were ever talking to me against my father against my relations and all such as I esteemed most I felt this more kindly than all they could say against myself I could not forbear defending them and the ring I did wrong as whatever I said served only to provoke them if any complained of my father or relations they were always in the right if any whom they had disliked before spoke against them they were presently approve it if any showed friendship to me such were not welcome a relation whom I greatly loved for her piety coming to see me they openly beat her be gone they treated her in such a manner as obliged her to go which gave me no small uneasiness when any person of distinction came they would speak against me even to those who knew me not which surprised them but when they saw me they pity me it matter not what they said against me love will not allow me to justify myself I spoke not to my husband of what either my mother-in-law or the girl did to me except the first year when I was not sufficiently touched with the power of God to suffer my mother-in-law and my husband often quarrel then I was in favor and to me they made their mutual complaints I never told the one what the other had said and though it might have been of service to me humanly speaking to take advantage of such opportunities I never made use of them to complain of either nay, on the contrary I did not rest till I had reconciled them I spoke many obliging things of the one to the other which made them friends again I knew by frequent experience that I should pay dear for their reunion scarcely were they reconciled when they joined together against me I was so deeply engaged within as often to forget things without yet not anything which was of consequence my husband was hasty and inattention frequently irritated him I walked into the garden without observing anything when my husband who could not go either asked me about it I knew not what to say at which he was angry I went either on purpose to notice everything in order to tell him and yet when there I did not think of looking I went ten times one day to see and bring him an account and yet forgot it but when I did remember to look I was much pleased yet it happened I was then asked nothing about them all my crosses to me would have seemed little if I might have had liberty to pray and to be alone to indulge the interior attraction which I felt but I was obliged to continue in their presence with such a subjection as it's scarcely conceivable my husband looked at his watch if at any time I had liberty allowed me for prayer to see if I stayed more than half an hour if I exceeded he grew very uneasy sometimes I said grant me one hour to divert and employ myself as I had a mind he would have granted it to me for other diversions yet for prayer he would not I confess that experience caused me much trouble I have often thereby given occasion for what they made me suffer for all I not to have looked on my capacity as an effect of the will of God to condemn myself and to make it my only desire and prayer but I often fell back again into the anxiety of wishing to get time for prayer which was not agreeable to my husband those faults were more frequent in the beginning afterward I prayed to God in his own retreat in the temple of my heart and I went out no more and of volume 1, chapter 16 volume 1, chapter 17 the autobiography of Madame Keon this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org the autobiography of Madame Keon by Jean Keon, volume 1, chapter 17 we went into the country where I committed many faults I thought I might do it then because my husband diverted himself with building if I stayed from him he was dissatisfied that sometimes happened as he was continually talking with the workmen I set myself in a corner and there had my work with me but could scarcely do anything by reason of the force of the attraction which made the work fall out of my hands I passed all hours this way without being able either to open my eyes or know what passed but I had nothing to wish for nor yet to be afraid of everywhere I found my proper sender because everywhere I found God my heart could then desire nothing but what it had this disposition extinguished all its desires and I sometimes said to myself what want is thou? what fear is thou? I was surprised to find upon trial that I had nothing to fear every place I was in was my proper place as I had generally no time allowed me for prayer but with difficulty and would not be suffered to rise till seven o'clock I stole up at four and kneeling in my bed I wished not to offend my husband and strove to be punctual and a citrus in everything but this soon affected my health and injured my eyes which were still weak it was but eight months since I had the small box this loss of rest brought a heavy trial upon me even my sleeping hours were much broken by the fear of not waking in time I insensibly dropped asleep at my prayers in the half hour that I got after dinner though I felt quite wakeful the drowsiness overpowered me I endeavored to remedy this by the severest bodily inflections but in vain as we had not yet built the chapel and were far from any church I could not go to prayers or sacrament without the permission of my husband he was very reluctant to permit me except on Sundays and holidays I could not go out in the coach so that I was obliged to make use of some strategies and to get service performed very early in the morning to which, feeble as I was I made an effort to creep on foot it was a quarter of a leg distant really, God wrote wonders for me generally, in the mornings when I went to prayers my husband did not awake until after I was returned often, as I was going out the weather was so cloudy that the girl I took with me told me that I could not go or if I did I should be soaked with the rain I answered her with my usual confidence God will assist us I generally reached the chapel without being wet while there the rain fell excessively when I returned it ceased when I got home it began again with fresh violence during several years that I have acted this way I have never been deceived in my confidence when I was in town I could find nobody I was surprised that there came to me priests to ask me if I was willing to receive the communion and that if I was they would give it to me I had no mind to refuse the opportunity which thou, thyself, offered me for I had no doubt of its being thee who aspire them to propose it before I had contrived to get divine service at the chapel I have mentioned I have often suddenly walked with a strong impulse to go to prayers my mate would say but madam, you are going to tire yourself in vain there will be no service for that chapel was not yet regularly served I went full of faith and at my arrival had found them just ready to begin if I could particularly enumerate the remarkable providences which were here upon given in my favor there would be enough to fill whole volumes when I wanted to hear from or I to mother Granger I often felt a strong propensity to go to the door there to find the messenger with a letter from her certainly a small instance of this kind of continual providences she was the only person I could be free to open my heart to when I could get to see her which was with the greatest difficulty it was through providential assistance because prohibited by my confessor and husband I placed an extreme confidence in mother Granger I concealed nothing from her either of sins or pains I did not now practice any austerities but those she was willing to allow me my interior dispositions I was cursely able to tell because I knew not how to explain myself being very ignorant of those matters having never read or heard of them one day when they thought I was going to see my father I ran off to mother Granger it was discover and cost me crosses they rage against me was so excessive that it would seem incredible even my writing to her was extremely difficult I had the utmost abhorrence of a lie so I forbade the footmen to tell any when they were met they were asked whether they were going and if they had any letters my mother-in-law said herself in a little passage through which those who went out must necessarily pass she asked them whether they were going and what they carried sometimes going on foot to Benedictines I cause shoes to be carried that they might not perceived by the dirty ones that they had been far I dare not go alone those who attended me had orders to tell of every place I went if they were discovered to fail they were either corrected or discharged my husband and mother-in-law were always in vain against that good woman though in reality they esteemed her I sometimes made my own complaints and she replied How should you condemn them when I have been doing all in my power for 20 years to satisfy them without success for as my mother-in-law had two daughters under her care she was always finding something to say against everything she did in regard to them but the most sensible cross to me now was the revolting of my own son against me they inspired him with so great a contempt for me that I could not bear to see him without extreme affliction when I was in my room with some of my friends they sent him to listen to what we said as he saw this please them he invented a hundred things to tell them if I caught him in a lie as I frequently did she would upgrade me saying my grandmother says you have been a greater liar than I I answer therefore I know the deformity of that vice and how hard a thing it is to get the better of it and for this reason I will not have you suffer the like he spoke to me things very offensive because he saw the awe I stood in of his grandmother and his father if in their absence I found fault with him for anything he insultingly upgraded me he said that now I want to be set up over him because they were not there all this they approved of one day he went to see my father and rushly began talking against me to him as he was used to doing to his grandmother but there he did not meet with the same recombence it affected my father to tears father came to our house to desire he might be corrected for it they promised it should be done and yet they never did it I was grievously afraid of the consequences of so bad an education I told mother Granger of it who said that since I could not remedy I must suffer and leave everything to God this child would be my cross another great cross was the difficulty I had in attending my husband I knew he was displeased when I was not with him yet when I was with him he never expressed any pleasure on the contrary he only rejected with score whatever office I performed he was so difficult with me about everything that I sometimes tremble when I approached him I could do nothing to his liking and when I did not attend him he was angry but he had taken such a dislike to soups that he could not bear the sight of them those that offered them had a rough reception neither his mother nor any of the domestics would carry them to him there I was known but I who did not refuse that office I brought them and let his anger pass then I tried in some agreeable manner to prevail on him to take them I said to him I had rather be reprimanded several times a day than let you suffer by not bringing you what is proper sometimes he took at other times he pushed them back where he was in a good humor and I was carrying something agreeable to him then my mother-in-law would slouch it out of my hands she would carry it herself as he thought I was not so careful and studious to please him he would fly in a rage against me and express great thankfulness to his mother I used all my skill and endeavors to gain my mother-in-law's favor by my presence, my services but could not succeed how bitter and grievous oh my god would such a life be were it not for thee that was sweetened and reconciled to me I had a few short intervals from this severe and mortifying life this served only to make the reverses more keen and bitter End of chapter 17, volume 1