 Why are men over 40 less likely to commit to you? We're gonna explore that today and I just wanna get right down to the nitty gritty. In most cases, they don't know what they're committing to. See, relationship as a container. I want you to think of it like a pot that you would plant something in. Once you think of it as a container, when you're in your 20s and 30s, most men and women who seek to start a family, they will choose a partner based on would they make a good spouse? Would they make a good parent? Do they want to have children? That's the primary, most often, the goal of those that are in their 20s and 30s. The challenge with the over 40 category of people is that the vast majority of people who are single in the dating marketplace are divorced. And because of divorce, you have a whole set of issues that affect the dynamics between two people. And in many cases, men and women are unclear as to what they want. They're unclear as to what they want. And men in particular are rather unclear with what they want, so they don't want to make a promise they can't keep. Let me repeat that. They don't want to make a promise they can't keep. I'm gonna get into some dynamics in a moment about that, but I want to lean into a conversation that's very popular today. There is a prominent divorce attorney named James Sexton who recently had a video go wildly viral, excuse me, talking about marriage and from the perspective of divorce. And he says something rather interesting that I think is worth taking note. He says, and I'm not exactly sure exactly how he says it, I believe that marriage is a failed technology. Marriage is a failed technology. And what he means to say is really going through a divorce can be a chaotic nightmare. I mean, it can be in most cases, a chaotic nightmare. And so I want you to think about this for this demographic that's over 40, roughly, and I'm gonna say anecdotally speaking, did I say that right? My tongue is a little tied. I would say roughly about 75% of singles who are in the dating marketplace over 45 are most likely divorced. And within that divorce comes a lot of traumatic experiences and traumatic can be emotionally traumatic. Could be financially traumatic. It could be very hostile in some cases. And because of that, many men are rather gun shy of ever wanting to get married again. Now, what's interesting is many of you might've seen my video I had recently with Rabbi Manus Friedman during ancient wisdom. And one of the things he professed was to get married in six months. In other words, set a date from today that you're going to be married six months from now. Now, some people might think that's ludicrous, okay? And I can see why you would wanna meet somebody and get married right away when you don't know who they are. But I think his point is, if you want to be married at some point, then be intentional about it. But more importantly, and what he didn't say, is to be really clear on who you are and what you want in relationship. And I think that's one of the challenges we're faced with most humans today because marriage isn't the failed technology. See, I don't believe that. I think marriage, okay. Well, let me reframe that. Certainly understanding the parameters of what happens when a relationship ends when you have an agreement with the government. Because the fact is, is when you're married, it's an agreement with the government because we have laws to dictate how two people can get divorced. So I understand why a lot of people would be reluctant to get married in midlife, especially if they had a previously poor experience, okay. So then coming back to the idea of container, what does this container look like? Well, you see, there's a lot of uncertainty. What does a relationship container look like? This is the biggest challenge faced with men. And because of that, most men and women do a terrible job of vetting one another to determine if they're compatible with one another. And more importantly, they do a terrible job communicating with one another as to what this container is. And this is why marriage isn't the only failed technology. Dating is the failed technology right now. We have an incredibly dysfunctional way of dating one another. And then what most people do are the following. They believe lust and limerence equals, let me reframe that. They believe attraction equals relationship success. If two people are attracted to one another, we will have a successful relationship. And people that are strongly attracted to one another, it's usually based on lust or limerence, lust or limerence. Do any of you watch the show 90 Day Fiancé? There's one of the series within this realm is called 90 Day the Other Way. And there's a woman here from Los Angeles who is attracted to a man who lives in Turkey, Istanbul, Turkey. And by the way, this has some personal relevance to me because my parents are from Istanbul, Turkey. And he's a young man. I mean, these two are like should be Instagram type models, okay? And you can already see that their whole relationship is based on lust and limerence. I see this as a total disaster in the future. Now, I'm making an assumption, but it's clear to me that their basis for a relationship has nothing to do with genuine compatibility. It's all based on lust or limerence. So that's the first mistake many people make in the dating, this failed technology we call dating. This failed technology we call dating. The second is that we sometimes create these ridiculous standards, ridiculous standards, mostly based on the physical aspects of a person. And men, I don't even wanna get into the particulars because I'd be throwing men and women under the bus, okay? But they create standards and they miss out on so many good people. All right, I'll throw in a couple of one. I know you ladies hate it when a man is holding a fish in his dating profile. So what if he's holding a fish? He's a person who likes to fish. There's nothing wrong with that, okay? Now you might say you're not compatible with that person, but really, what if this man has an amazing character? He's of integrity, you know, he's kind to animals. He's got a great relationship with his ex-spouse. Just because he has a fish in his picture, you're gonna exclude this guy. Do you see some of the ridiculous standards people create for one another and they exclude really good people? In fact, I oftentimes say as most men are good guys, they're just bad daters, okay? That's just an unconscious thing. And I know you can make up, we can, you know, set our, again, this is just one of many examples. Can someone write all the examples of radically stupid standards people create? I think the biggest problem with our current dating marketplace or the why it's a failed technology, and I am so guilty of what I'm about to share. I can take red flags and I can paint them green. I can take red flags and paint them green. Amazing what this belief, when you're attached to another human being, when you really like someone, you really like someone, you'll start to overlook the true incompatibilities within two people. Because there's this, you know, we as human beings are so radically flawed. And I don't mean that, let me just say that. We are just human beings that, I shouldn't say we are flawed because that sounds like a shameful comment. We are just, we're, humans are imperfect. Maybe that would be a better way to put it. And we will turn red flags into greens. We will paint them green, okay? We will see obvious incompatibilities. And yet we have this capacity to hope. Hence why dating is the failed technology or maybe love is the failed technology because we go into these, go into a marriage as an example with a person who's really not right for us. Okay, and we know this because statistically speaking, 50, something like 50 plus percentages of first marriages end, 60 to 75% of second marriages end. So again, bringing it back to, if we know these things, then what's the container of a relationship? And many of you are being indoctrinated in the belief that men are the leaders of a relationship. All you have to do is sit back in your feminine energy and let the guy claim you, okay? Well, what do men lead with? We lead with our penises most of the time. Sex is the reason why we have tall buildings. Sex is why we have so many things in our world because a lot of times men are driven by their little head than they are their big head. You know that divorce attorney that makes gazillions of dollars this New York divorce attorney, most of this clientele's our clientele, excuse me, are significantly rich men who pick women based purely on looks. And then they're shocked five years later when she wants to take them for all he has. Anyway, we could go down that road. But you know, it's interesting men will rush sex but they will be deathly slow when it comes to commitment. They are like at the turtle's pace, a significant percentage of men. And this is why if you're not familiar with my chart about the three types of people you're actively could be dating, please forgive the glare. You can see the users, the spenders and the grower and builders. Users represent those people that seek short-term gain. Those are people that are just looking to hook up and these are the love bombers. These are the players. These are women who are gold diggers and titled selfish people. They only care about their own needs. It's about 20%. And over here, excuse me, over here the grower and builders, these are people that seek long-term commitment and they're extremely, they're emotionally grown up in desire. They have good relationship skills and they have their act together. But the vast majority, 60% and this is merely anecdotal on my part are what I call spenders. These people want companionship connection and sex but they're fearful of commitment or they're dysfunctional in their capacity to commit. This is why I created my private coaching program. If you need some support in learning how to vet which guy you might be dating, schedule a discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you. You know, it's interesting. The spenders represent such a significant percentage because the vast majority of people are rather dysfunctional in their emotional maturity and their relationship skills. And if they've been burned in the past, they might have some deep traumas that have gone unhealed whether it's in their childhood and their adult lives and makes it very difficult to become that grower builder. Grower builder wants to be in partnership with someone. They're looking to co-creat a relationship with someone and it's a small... By the way, when I say it's 20% of the population of men and women, I'm being rather generous. I could bet to say it's probably 10 to 15%. And what's interesting is you ladies all act like you're the grower and builders but you have one significant problem within most of you. You ladies, let me be blunt. You have duct tape over your mouth. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. You rarely clearly express your feelings not about the man himself. You rarely express your needs in relationship and then you blame men for the problem. Men are... By the way, I'm not here giving men a pass but you guys have... Mm-mm, mm-mm, mm-mm, mm-mm, mm-mm, mm-mm, mm-mm, mm-mm. Communicating, everybody talks about the importance of communicating yet humans have weak skills when it comes to communicating. I have some notes here, so bear with me. And men oftentimes are emotionally constipated when it comes to expressing feelings. So it's kind of interesting. I wanna get into the dating as a technology. First and foremost, you have to become radically honest with yourself. You have to be completely clear on who you are and truly who's compatible with you, understanding your own wounds and traumas and more importantly, your attachment style. I recently, I had the guest, Dr. Stan Takinon, he wrote a book, Wired for Love. This is his book, Wired for Dating. I wanna bring up in one of the chapters, he talks about the employer. Just, can you see that? Interviewing a potential partner. Now he says, you have to ask some really serious questions. Of course, you wanna do it in a manner that does not appear threatening and limiting yourself to the honest, obvious, and predictable as you get to know a potential partner is a sure fire formula for a boring date. So when I've said in the past, interrogate someone early, let me be clear. I've said this in the context of before you give your heart to a man, you should find out if the two of you are really compatible with one another and most importantly, who is compatible with you? This is something when I, let me schedule, come back here. I wanna things I work with women, you all come to me. Jonathan, I know what I want, I know what I want, I know what I want in a relationship. And then you go through this proprietary coaching program I created and can you guess what most women say after doing this work? Oh my God, I had no idea what I wanted. Oh my God, you made me go deeper than the surface. I wish my parents taught me this, I wish I'd learned this in school. See, the first couple of dates is that period of time where you just wanna see if you energetically like someone. And by the time you get to four, five, six, seven dates you should have some real clear questions that you want answered to really determine if you're compatible with one another. And the hardest thing for most of you ladies do is that to be detached from the outcome, to turn red flags into painting them green. And by the way, I'm guilty of this. So I'm not here to suggest I'm the expert in this capacity. This is something that we all humans have to work on. I once wrote an article called the 10 date rule. You know, the first couple of dates is to see if you energetically like each other. The next few dates is to really get compatibility questions and then you gotta determine if you're sexually compatible because the vast majority of relationships marriages and because they don't have true intimacy with one another, both physical, but more importantly emotional intimacy. If you're not familiar with the book, Emotional Intimacy by Robert Masters. I highly recommend reading this book. By the way, there's a link below in the description. It says, Jonathan recommend books. All the books I recommend, recommend. God, I am absolutely tongue-tied recommend, recommend. Oh my God. Anyways, you know what I'm talking about. I'm tongue-tied today. I'm really excited. And yes, exploring the physical and emotional aspects of the relationship are critically important. So let's talk about dating as a failed technology for a moment. Very few people ask it from a vetting perspective. Even Dr. Stantec calls it being a Sherlock. Become a Sherlock. And what he means by become Sherlock Holmes, okay? Now the problem, I love the book, but when you work with a coach like me, we can personalize it for you. I help draw out the things you need to know that the book doesn't really do for you. Any of these books don't do for you to the same degree when you're working with a coach. But asking vetting questions, and if any of you have seen the Indian matchmaker or the Jewish matchmaker, they actually have their family members. This is on Netflix. They have their family members do all the hard questions of the person. See, you have to become your own matchmaker. The thing is you have to recognize the difference between a cold prospect, someone who's an absolute stranger, a warm lead, okay? And recognize that in most cases, you're dealing with a cold prospect, okay? This is sales 101 versus a warm lead. Warm lead means you've got a little bit, you know a little bit about this person. You know, if you're vaguely, you maybe even know them personally, or you have some vague understanding of what they're looking for. You know what's interesting? Long distance dating has a very unique aspect associated to it. People that are talking on the phone for a significant period of time have the capacity to ask all the proper questions to determine compatibility. But you know what happens in long distance dating? Usually they're bonding with each other through their mutual traumas, and they're connecting with one another through these mutual traumas, okay? That's most of the time. And when they physically meet each other, they completely explore the physical aspect of the relationship because they think they've been dating for three months, if not three years, okay? And then what usually happens is the minute the woman goes back home, I would say I'm gonna guess 90% of the time, the guy says, and I quote, I'm not ready for a significant relationship. Particularly he's too lazy to get involved in a long distance dating dynamic. But what's interesting about this, and why I bring this up is they spend a lot of time before they ever meet, exploring potential, they could be exploring true compatibility. And without meeting, they're not gonna be hooked on lust and limerence. So they actually could vet prior to meeting. It's harder to do that when two people live in the same town. You know, the question I've been posing is do you vet before you meet someone? In other words, do you just do it? You just vomit at all and see what happens. You know, it's interesting. Many of you know, I have what's called the dating vows, the dating vows. Where is my copy of the dating vows? The idea of the dating vows is to have a real clear conversation before two people, by the way, there's a link below in the link to get my dating vows, is to have a clear conversation before you become physically intimate with someone. And it's merely agreements that you make with one another if you're going to go down the sex path. And whether you do it on the first, second, or third, go, you know, lay, if you will. It goes like this. I agree. So you make agreements with one another. I agree to explore the process of getting to know you with the intent to declare something serious within three to six months. I agree to be monogamous sexually while we have regular sex together. I agree not to actively seek to meet and date others while we're in the dating process, including taking down my dating profile, if that's how you met. I agree to speak up if this isn't working for me versus pulling back, ghosting or disappearing. I agree to invest regular time in the process of getting to know you, which looks like what our dating experience looks like. Now 90% of men will bail on this because they're either spenders or users. But do you see the importance? I mean, in some ways, I think if we incorporate this as part of our dating technology, we will eliminate not always, okay, the wrong person, but you have a greater chance of eliminating the wrong person and inviting in the right person. Do some of you know Lewis Howes? They, did I pronounce his name properly, given I'm tongue-tied? He's got the School of Greatness. He's got an amazing podcast and he just announced he got engaged. And I was watching a video with him and I believe he said they spent in their first 30 days of dating, they didn't have sex. And they really did an honest assessment of who each one of them are and what they truly wanted. They did an honest assessment of themselves. They knew themselves because they have done personal development, self-help and spiritual work. They actually, by the way, if you're not familiar with my book, what the heck is self-love anyway, a journey of personal development, self-help and spiritual work, link below to your copy of the book. They actually feel good about themselves. They have a strong sense of self-love, self-worth, self-reliance, self-esteem, self-confidence. And so, and by the way, you've heard the phrase, you have to love yourself before you love another. No, you just have to be, self-love is not a destination. It's a journey. You just have to be at least tipping the scales of love for yourself more than 50% because then you have a capacity to love another. And so they started with clear communication right from the get go. I talk about this radical honesty, pre-qualifying your prospect or excuse me, radical honesty, laying your cards on the table and the rules of engagement, dating vows is the rules of engagement. Laying your cards on the table, dating rules of engagement include your standards, your boundaries. You know, laying your cards on the table is really unpacking who you are as a person and it starts by being vulnerable, being authentic and transparent. Now that doesn't mean you share deep dark secrets with a total stranger, but our failed dating technology is why we enter into these relationships that are about ready to explode. And the reason why men commit is they're clueless to this. They're winging it, ladies. But I'm supposed to just sit back in my feminine energy and wait for him to claim me, Jonathan, because that's what I've been told. By the way, to be claimed is property. I just can't stand that phraseology. And by the way, instead of leaning back, lean into your sovereignty, lean into your self-worth, your self-esteem, your self-confidence, don't lean back with a guy, lean into yourself. You know, it's interesting. Many of you know that my most significant relationship ended. And we had roughly a one-year journey to actually, I think six technically, 14, 15 months. 13, 14 months. Anyway, Marie and I had a conversation yesterday. We spent two hours on the phone. And what we did was we unpacked not why this didn't work out, but what we learned from our experience. What we learned from our experience. We practiced, if you're not familiar with the work of Catherine Woodward Thomas, we practiced conscious uncoupling. I recommend this, recommend, recommend, recommend. God, I'm really having a tough time today, this book. You know, in that conversation, it was very heart-centered conversation about what we'd learned about each other. And we identified where we were different. We identified the red flags that we kind of painted green. But the same time, you know, we went into it with the best intentions. And we went into it with as close to, as radically honest as we could be. And still two people might not be a fit for one another long term because the real challenge is today, what does the container of a relationship look like? I don't know if I have an answer for you per se because each one of you has to figure that out on your own. I'm just aware that I learned so much from this experience that I'm better prepared for any new experience I have in my life. And I hope this understanding of why people don't commit is because we are fallible human beings doing the best we can for the most part. And a lot of the angst and judgment and fears and resentments and name-calling and speculating. And I'm talking about when we blame the other person instead of taking ownership for our part is no wonder dating is the failed technology. Cause I think when two great people get together and they get married, they have the greatest chance for success. So even Rabbi Manus Friedman's goal is based on good intentions, but it starts with clearly knowing who you are, what you want, how to vet for that capacity, for vet that person if they fit into your life. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know if it is. Please post a comment below. I'd like to hear your thoughts. In addition, if you liked this video, please hit that like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel. Hit the notification bell so you can be notified of new videos. All right, we're gonna take questions, but first I wanna give props to Terry who gave us a $50 super sticker. Folks, if you have a question for me, write the word question and then post the question there after. Or you can purchase the Super Sticker Super Chat. It's a little dollar sign in the chat box. All the monies from the Super Sticker Super Chat goes to a scholarship fund in the name of my son, Connor Asley. That's a picture of him right there in the obey shirt. He's my son who passed away over five years ago and in his honor, we donate to causes like the Hoffman Process Insight Institute and the Seeds of Love, which is an organization out of Columbia, Cartagena Columbia, I believe. All right, folks, let's start. It's time for Q and A. I wanna hear what you have to, tell me what you thought about this presentation. I really wanna get a discussion going on this. So, and I can't go back. One of our Facebook members in my private group, it's interesting how your perspective changes. I disagreed with the month and get married idea of the rabbi. I do agree with your recent perspective that about a year going through four seasons is reasonable to get a point of love and commitment where they're going the distance is possible. Many in the first five years, roughly post-divorce, don't wanna get married again, but with time, healing may find they are better able to be compatible and willing to commit. So, you know, it takes, you know, the real tricky part is when do people fall in love? I mean, all in, I'm all in. Does it happen then right on the first site? Does it happen the first three months? Does it happen within a year? I think men know within the emotionally healthy men. Let me be clear. Those growers and builders, emotionally healthy men, they know within 90 days if they're feeling it or not. They really know it with, excuse me, within 90 days if they really see potential with this person. And those men will progress the relationship forward. That's roughly, this is not a science. The hard part is all the spenders and the users out there that are emotionally constipated, emotionally dysfunctional, their attachment styles are involved, they're all over the map. They're almost, they're almost incapable of true commitment with one another but they enjoy the occasional companionship, occasional connection, occasional sex. So, I'm not agreeing with the rab. I think what I appreciate about what the rab I said was merely to be intentional. Maybe it's just to be, to have the dating vows within the first 90 days. That would be a better way of approaching it rather than marriage. So that's just my perspective on that. By the way, sometimes folks, my perspective changes because I've learned new things. I'm not here, I wanna be clear. There is no expert in this field. There's, I mean, there's a lot of people that study things but there is no such thing as a perfect person that can give you perfect advice. I merely offer perspective. I'm just share what I learn and I pass it on. And to the extent that I coach, I have a system to help women get better, get clearer on who they are and what they want, how to vet, how to a vet for emotional maturity. But this is, there's no real science to this. As much as people do research and science and try to figure this out, there is no such thing as one size fits all. Generally speaking, that's, there's some truth. Generally speaking, but there's always exceptions to the rules and that's the real chaotic aspect of all of this. Hope that, that's just another rant I have. Elizabeth says, I like this channel. Thank you, Jonathan. I get to get my workout in and I find a reason not to. I'll replay the video later, chin up. Everything works in the end. Thank you so much. All right, here's a question. Could you post that agreement? The dating vows, here it is, here. Yes, I'll post it. Let's see, I think I have it here. Folks, if you wanna get a copy of the dating vows, go to www, should I even say it? Go to JonathanAsley.com forward slash dating vows or click the link in the description of this video, okay? Hope that helps. Okay, let's keep going to comments. I gotta take off this banner. Okay, you know, one of our Facebook members, I agree I've seen your perspective change or broaden in the past couple of months. You know, perspective. Perspective, that's all it is. There's no fact in all this. Yes, there's some general truths that we can, there are some strong general truths, but I offer perspective just to raise consciousness and the most important perspective I invite all of you to do is first know thyself, heal the wounds, be clear on who is compatible with you. I've never deviated from that perspective. It's just very chaotic and wishy-washy because one size doesn't fit all. It just doesn't. And even when you do everything right, Marie and I did everything right and it still didn't work out. From a long-term perspective, but boy, let me tell you the quality of a relationship isn't measured by time because I had this amazing experience with this amazing human being, but we just at the end of the day, there was enough differences that made no sense to continue moving forward and that's okay too. We have this brand expectation that death do us part. The attorney, the divorce attorney says it's a failed technology because love is the failed technology, the belief that love solves all the problems. It doesn't. By the way, I only yell because I'm passionate about this. All right, if you have a question, post a question. Coach Amy says, am I the only one I'm interested in meeting someone who has a high need for transparency, authenticity, discuss and time together. I have no interest in sex with someone. Who am I, who I'm not best friends with? Come on Amy, you know most people feel that way. You don't need to single yourself out. Mary, Jen, Hannah, I can't pronounce your name. I really do like about this show that Jonathan do you recommend some self-help books too. Awesome, thank you, I appreciate that. Terry M says, I'm sorry that you're still going through the breakup Jonathan, I appreciate you sharing your challenges. You went through. You know what's interesting folks? The old Jonathan would immediately went on the date. Well actually, no, that's not true. Immediately go on the dating apps to replace the relationship. In fact, I did briefly go on the dating apps because the old Jonathan was still very prevalent in me. You know, taking time to heal after the ending of a relationship is critically important. Taking time to heal your heart, not jumping into a new relationship, not getting physical with someone and really sit with what did I learn about myself in this experience? The positive things I learned about myself, how did I heal from this experience? What was good about the relationship and what am I most grateful for? You know, I don't know when I'll put myself out there. I'm gonna share my journey and my experiences because that's how I teach. I would say 80% of my coaching is based on all of the research I've done through 20,000 hours of coaching in the last almost 17 years. But also my own experiences because I think when you share from your own experiences, it gives some context to how challenging this all is. Dating is a failed technology. Love is a failed technology. Marriage is a failed technology. According, that's just my perception anyway. Oh, here's Wanda has a question. How do I get a good man on a dating site? I have had red flags and spenders and users and love bombers. I want better. Any ideas how to find the right one, someone close to me? You know, it boils down to this folks, if you wanna be asked out on a date, you have to be seen. Let's recognize that most people on dating apps and dating sites, just like most everybody in real life because humans are not right for you. Why? Because most humans are rather dysfunctional. So first, clean up your own act emotionally speaking. Do a lot of work to become what you want to attract. And then start with attraction techniques. Start really tapping into your intuition because the dating sites, let me just say something. Dating apps can marginalize people and it can make people very bitter and jaded, especially when we judge people. One of the things I always recommend my clients do, if you're swiping left, which means no, is you say, I'm sending you love, I'm sending you love, I'm sending you love, I'm sending you love, I'm sending you love. What that means is you're opening your heart to love instead of, oh, he has a fish in the picture, oh, he looks terrible, oh, he's wearing a baseball cap, oh, he's fat, oh, he's short, all this stuff. So all you're doing is feeding your mind with negativity. It's now I invite you to feed your mind with love. That would be the first thing I recommend you do. Juan, does feed your mind with love? All right, let's see what else we have. Does anyone have a question? Write the word question, then post the question there after, okay, we've got a few here. And Terry wants to remind us all, personal growth is so important. We're always learning and growing, exactly. Gigi has a question. Has your perspective on texting changed? We are still growing strong where the naysayers are broken up, just saying. Texting is the weakest form of communication. First off, I believe 80 to 90% of communication is non-verbal, it's hand gestures, it's pheromones, it's eyebrow movements, it's all this stuff. So texting is the weakest form of communication, number one. Number two, it's a lot of, by the way, I cannot properly communicate my thoughts with my thumbs. I habitually make mistakes with my thumbs or my fingers. So it can create a lot of misinterpretation. But most texting communication is how's your day going? Did you have a good day? I hope you had a good day. I'm really thinking about you today. Oh my God, I'm loving, I really miss you today. Oh my God, I wish you'd call me today, oh my God. It's all this nonsensical communication and maybe some of it feels deep, but it's impersonal. It's not intimate, even though it might seem intimate, because people who rely on text are usually people that have some real emotional constipation. You gotta do it face to face. Well, Jonathan, I'm in a long distance relationship and we've been communicating for nine months and we haven't met each other because we live in two continents, blah, blah, blah, you guys are insane, okay? Do not, here's the rule of thumb. You need to meet someone when you first communicate with them as soon as humanly possible. And if it's long distance, then fucking talk for a month and make a plan. And if you can't then eliminate that person until you can and don't communicate because you'll be setting yourself most likely up for a disaster of monumental proportions. In this 90 day fiance, the other way, there's this lesbian couple. And one of them clearly said, I don't want children. And the other one says, I want children but I'm open to not having children. Well, now that she's the one woman flew from Tennessee to England and the other woman's excuse for not wanting to go any further is she clearly doesn't want children, the other one does. You know, that should have been clear about this ahead of time, but they spent years communicating to have it literally implode and you've invested so much of your heart. You know, relationships is not for the emotionally weak. If you are faint of heart, do not enter into a relationship. You gotta have some real thick skin because you gotta be prepared for the fact is it's statistically speaking, marriage, relationships, dating is a failed technology. I know this doesn't give you hope but I'm here to invite you all. If you become the best version of yourself and you do a better job of vetting, you put the odds in your favor, be the best version of yourself and then find someone who is the best version of their self. That's critically important to really good people get together. They have a greater chance for success, to emotionally grown up people, to people that have good communication skills. But sadly, you ladies, you don't go, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want. You got duct tape over your mouth and then you blame us men. And by the way, men have equal issues. Let me be clear, I'm not absolving men but just because you have duct tape over your mouth you can't blame us for not being clear about your emotions and your feelings. I get so riled up, I get armpit sweat stains. Ronnie's in the house. How do I make my heart stop wanting to go back to a relationship I know will never work because he's emotionally constipated? Being an emotional grown up takes fucking work humans. You know when a child is looking at a flame, like, oh, look at the stove, there's a flame. I want to touch the flame. You parents are like, no, no, no, no, no. But the child says, but it's so pretty. Everyone, your emotional child is running the show for the adult. Folks, discipline doesn't care how you fucking feel. Being a grown up says, I, being an emotional grown up says, I know this is bad for me. I'm going to move on. It's a difference between the emotional child and the adult. There's nothing easy about this work. Do meditation, start to do workshops, talk to people, create a community of friends so you can start occupying your mind in different, but if all that free time is focused on him, that's delusional thinking. Many of you are suffering from delusional thinking, unrequited love. Spend a month doing it and then move on. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know. Holly says, what is your most profound, successful coaching you can share with us? You know, I think one of the reasons why women hire me is because I'm your big brother. Very few of you have real strong role models in your life that are genuinely looking out for your best interest. And not to say that I'm in that capacity, but I operate from a, I actually, when I coach a client, I come at it tough love. It's called radical honesty, heart centered radical honesty. It's direct tough love with a lot of heart. And I find most women just want some masculine energy to hold space for them. But to also, I think that the thing I pick up most is their blind spots. A man can see a woman's blind spots in the romantic realm better because women don't give women really good advice. You guys, women give advice, setting you up for the Prince Charming narrative. And that guy doesn't exist for the most part, I'm speaking generally speaking, but I can determine a woman's blind spots because in a way I see how they are with me and how they might be with men. So Holly, that would be my perception. By the way, if you want to schedule a discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you, click there. Okay, Marant, God, I don't know how to pronounce your name. Myr, Jaina, whatever. Getting physical with someone is higher level into connection of souls no matter how do you see yourself in the modern world. I don't know if that's a question, but thank you. Gigi doesn't agree with me. I don't engage, or we don't engage in non-sexo communication texting, stop judging what you refuse to hear me say. I didn't, okay. I'm just generally speaking, Gigi, I apologize. I am speaking generally for most people. So, but I do believe texting is the weakest form of communication. That is what I truly believe. Does who believe, do you guys believe texting is the best form of communication, the middle form of communication or the weakest form of communication? And why aren't you getting on the phone to talk? That would be my question. Lizette says, what is the attraction techniques? I'm not sure how I framed it earlier, but let's face it, a lot of the pickup artists, the red pill community, they all focus on attraction techniques to convince a woman to like them. So I would say, look up those, because I don't know them. Lolita says, it is emotionally, I agree it's emotionally draining to text constantly without an in-person interaction, I can't do it. I'm in the same boat. Why do book authors put the emphasis on visual side as the property of men while the women should show improve much? No, by the way, the boatloads of books here, my books, books by written by doctors, not, by the way, yes, pickup artist coach books will do exactly what you describe, but real doctors, real therapists, write some really substantial information. You see, the thing is, books is only one piece of the puzzle. It's doing the work that the books represent that's the most important piece. Or working with a coach that can see your blind spots and help you in those areas. Ms. Egart says, I was honest and talked about my past traumas and my relationship said, I shouldn't have done so, why? Well, I don't believe in vomiting your past traumas. I think you have to find out about the other. First off, know your past traumas and have you healed from your childhood wounds and traumas? Have you healed or are you healing them? And it's a conversation to find out, I think it was Dr. Sadie Khan that said, the most important thing to know is your own wounds and how that will affect a relationship. The guy might have said you shouldn't have done that, but it's a person that probably couldn't be hold the container of a relationship because if someone knows where, oh my God, I interviewed Dr. Ray the other day and we talked about knowing thyself is knowing where your own red flags lie. And by sharing that now, before some level of trust has been built, I can understand why that might not been appropriate. I think it's important to build some trust with another person. But what's most important is you're vetting him. If you spoke sincere and from your heart, you can't scare off the right person. You only scare off the wrong person. But then again, I don't believe we should vomit everything either. I think it's just first be aware of it for yourself and how this would affect it. Know your wounds and traumas and how it affects how you are in relationship. And if it dramatically affects how you could be in relationship, then work on healing those or be clear with a partner. These are my wounds and say, and find out what his wounds are and make agreements that you're gonna support each other through this process. By the way, that's not exactly what I'm saying. I'm just giving it in a generalized sense. Lisa says, a lot of us need a daddy. Yeah, sadly, yes. Okay, one of my Facebook members in my midlife love mastery group, there's a link below to join my private group where you can have direct access to me on a regular basis. She writes, I've been in a casual relationship with this guy for two and a half years, thought I didn't want the casual relationship. So I've been dating other guys, but nothing works out. I realized that he is the only constant in my life and I'm the only one he is seeing. He knows I see others. He doesn't like it, but deals with it. I'm now thinking I just wanna see him and see where it goes. What do you think? Will this ever change? Agreements with one another. Define the container. I shared this story once before a woman came to me wanting some coaching. He said, Jonathan, I'm in a relationship for nine months and I want more commitment. I'm like, great, what does that look like for you? But Jonathan, I just want more commitment from the guy. I'm like, great, what does that look like for you? But Jonathan, I just want more commitment from the guy. I'm like, great, what does that look like for you? And she screamed it at me and said, you're not listening to me. And I said, you're not making any sense. What does commitment look like for you? This is the whole conversation is, if we're not gonna get married, then what is the container of this relationship? What is the foundation? What agreements have you made with one another? These are the conversations to get some clarity on one another with one another, excuse me. You know, the divorce attorney wrote a book. And I haven't read the book, but I'm gonna speculate here. He took every reason why people got divorced and reversed engineered it. See, that's what we should be thinking about, looking at our past relationships and reverse engineering every single experience we have. And rather than, I know what I want, I know what I want by what I don't want, I know what I don't want, get clear on who's really compatible with you based on where do most relationships fail? Intimacy and money. Two primary reasons why marriages fail. Could possibly be the main reasons why short-lived, you know, people that have only been dating for a couple of years fail. It's usually intimacy and money. And intimacy means into me you see. People enter into a relationship with very little trust with one another. What is trust? Trust is, can I count on this person to have my best interest at heart? Casual relationships lead to the fact that I'm assuming you're having sex with this casual relationship and nobody's okay with you dating others. That's like a recipe for disaster. That doesn't build trust. Trust is built through agreements. That's how trust is built, amongst other things. Holly says, do you agree that if you're starting a new relationship, you don't share your past traumas and hurt because you appear unhealthy and light? By the way, my coffee mug says swear a little, you'll feel better. I think understanding yourself, and if you've done a fair amount of introspective work and healing, could scare a person who is not introspective and hasn't done healing. I think when two people who are very clear on who they are, their childhood wounds and traumas, and they talk about it, I think build intimacy with one another. Now, if they're still active in their trauma, they can bond if they're two people are active in their trauma. And this happens so often. They're active in their trauma and they share their traumas and they bond together in their traumas. Usually it's usually throwing their ex-spouse under the bus. That's the primary one that happens most of the time. They're throwing their ex-spouse under the bus and they bond in this experience. I share the story. I once dated a woman who told me that, I said, why'd your relationship end with your first marriage? She goes, oh, he was a narcissist. And I'm like, what happened in your last relationship? Oh, he was a narcissist. I'm like, what about the guy before that? Oh, he was a narcissist. She had like six narcissists in her life. I'm like, wow, she's a narcissist magnet. I'm gonna be her hero because I don't believe I'm a narcissist. And we dated for six weeks and I was just like, it was just, we were just not aligned with one another. I mean, we were like, we had some physical attraction but that was about it. Oh, we shared a few things in common. We had some physical attraction. And I'm like, this relationship doesn't work for me. And do you know what I saw on Facebook the next day? Another narcissist was literally her comment. I'm like, I didn't listen to the six ones that she dated. I painted the red flag green. Anyway, just food for thought. Gigi said, who could talk on the phone for three hours? We are busy people. We can text on and off. Gigi, I don't need to, you don't need me to convince you to do what you're doing. I'm just keep doing what you're doing. You don't need me to convince you, okay? I mean, I, you know, and I'm just saying, text relationships are cyber relationships and generally speaking, they don't work out. That's all generally speaking, but you can always be the exception to the rule. Indian beauty wants to remind us, men are terrible to replying to texts, especially when you're being vulnerable. Yeah, that's a really hard thing to do. Texting is the worst. I agree. It's the weakest form of communication. It misses all of the, like your hand movements, your gestures, your pheromones, your body language, all of that stuff is missing. That you don't need me to convince you. Sweet chick says, that's the problem, trusting people is so hard these days. How do you trust someone after you've been lied to continuously? That's hard. And I'd say forgiveness. First, forgiveness for self. And really forgiving the other person. I know that could be hard. It doesn't absolve them of their indiscretions, but forgiveness is, if you can't forgive, you're just gonna, most likely everyone's gonna pay the price in the future. How do we heal our attachment style issues? Read these two books, Wired for Love and Attached would be a good start. Wired for, by the way, links below to get a copy of the books I recommend. All right. The discipline, okay, question. The discipline can bring this comfort in life of play. The marriage is the commitment no matter what. Why then men ruin the families? Human beings are infallible, imperfect. The why is irrelevant. We can spend all day on the why, but really the question is, what are you gonna do going forward for yourself? That's what matters most. JNAT says, vocal intonation is a large factor in communication. Texting is convenient, but takes less effort than everything else. Even email is better. Oh, Steve wants to say, Jonathan, you're correct with the Prince Charming syndrome. Yeah, you know, I've noticed that a lot of female coaches, this is a judgment, I'm setting myself apart from them. They set women up for the Prince Charming narrative. In other words, you should only be dating the perfect guy. Perfect guy doesn't exist. I am nowhere near the perfect guy. And if you're not the perfect guy, should you be out there in the dating marketplace? Well, by the way, you just eliminated 97% of the population or more, but the perfect guy syndrome is the Prince Charming syndrome. The guy doesn't exist. We humans are rather dysfunctional. It's just some have done the work to navigate their emotions. They have a capacity to be more vulnerable, authentic and transparent. They have their act together. And as Nicole says, there's no perfect guy. There's no perfect lady either. Anyway, hey, I had fun sharing this all with you today. Did you get value from this? If you did, please let me know. Go Jonathan, this was very, just share with me how you felt about this conversation. Did it resonate with you? Is there something you'd like to add? I'd love to hear your thoughts on this. If you're watching the replay, post a comment below. Dating is a failed technology because most humans do not know what the container of a relationship and most humans over 40 don't know what a container of a relationship looks like. Getting some clear understanding about what that looks like helps. And I'm just gonna end on what I've shared habitually on previous videos. I've said this before and I'm gonna say it again. I'm not ready for it, but this is what I'm looking for. A relationship where we spend three or four days and nights a week together doing shared activities, hobbies, mutual interests, spending time with family and friends, traveling together, teamwork building skills, both in our personal and our professional life, intimacy, both physical and emotional intimacy that leads to either living together or getting married at some point. That's at least some semblance of a container. And then what are the values you put into the container? That's up to you what those values you put into the container. Describe what the container looks like and then what values are you gonna put in the container? When you solve that and the other person is in agreement with you, you have a greater chance for relationship success. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know. All right, I think this will be a great place to wrap up this video. I'm gonna do it as I always do. First off, give myself a big gigantic Jonathan Barrett of self love. I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm gonna ask you to turn to someone, a Pat, a teddy bear pillow and give Iter them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we can all use more love in our lives. I wanna thank Holly and JNAT and Wanda and Terry and Steve and Dale and Taisha Corey Girl and Barbara and Nicole and Gigi and Lindsay and Mary Jane and Paula and Sweet Chick. I can't pronounce half of these names. Thanks so much for being on. Please let me know if you appreciate this. I'd love to hear your thoughts and post a comment below as well. All right, take care. Bye now.