 What time is it? It's time for the Aberdeen Castello Show. We're on the air here in Hollywood. Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go with the Aberdeen Castello Show. The Aberdeen Castello Show, produced and transcribed in Hollywood tonight for your listening pleasure. Hold on to your tears, folks, for here they are, but Aberdeen, Luke Castello! Castello, Castello. Come here. Come over here. Why are you late again? Well, how about I stop at the news show to get one of our records of our baseball routine. But there was a guy in there who never met me and bought every one they had. Who was? Leo DeRosha. He wants to find out who's on first. Well, all right, then. Happy calendar, we'll tell him. All right, well, I'll forget about it. How are you doing on that job? I got you last week. Oh, forget that. What do you mean? The job. Yes. Well, I worked there five days, and the man fired me. Five days? Isn't that pretty sharp notice? George, I defy anybody to find out how dumb I am in five days. All right. Well, that's that. I am his father. All right, all right. That's that. I know that. All right, all right. That should teach you. You know, that should teach you the value of education, though. That should teach you the value of education. Education. Did you graduate from college? No. High school? No. Great school? No. You're getting hot. Well, now wait a minute. Doesn't that make you an ignorant writer? No. But it sure helps. Anyhow, that was my folks going to force me to fool. We were so poor. My mother used to send me out on the streets to bake for a piece of whole wheat bread. Why whole wheat bread? We were poor, but we were proud. Aw. But I had a happy childhood habit. You did? Every morning I'd take my father's hand and we'd walk to school together. And then at four o'clock I'd call for him and take him home again. I'd tell you my... Oh, man, we're going to school. I'd take him home. I'd take him home. Man, I know. I'd tell you your mother... Your mother must have had a struggle with that family. But now you can make... You can make up to her. You can make up for everything. Remember, that Sunday is Mother's Day. That's right, Abbott. Next Sunday is Mother's Day. Oh, then you do remember Mother's Day. Sure. My mother always sends me something. Why, you idiot? You're supposed to send your mother something. Now, last year I sent my mother a check for $100. By the way, that reminds me. I never did get that check back from the bank. No, but I'll bet your mother did. I... Please. Hey, hey. No remarks like that. Just tell them I checked for good. I have plenty of money. Why, it cost me $10,000. You're just to live. Abbott, it ain't worth it. No, it's hard to have. Don't mind that. What are you going to send your mother this year? I think I'll get her a brand new 1947 Cadillac. Where can you get a 1947 Cadillac? You can get all you want of him from the Cadillac Company if you're a property owner. Well, no. But what kind of property do you have to own? The Cadillac Company. You idiot. You haven't got enough money to buy a new car. Oh, no. Then I'll send her my collection of rare coins. I got it right here. Look at it. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Two quarters, three dimes, and a nickel. Well, these are not rare coins. It's me they are. I... Abbott, will you let me $10 to buy my mom a nice present? No, I will not. If you need money, I know where you can get a thousand dollars just for spending the night in a haunted house. Good. That's just the kind of job I've been... What's the matter? What's the matter? What kind of house did you say that was? A haunted house. You see, you only want to sell it, and he's willing to give a thousand dollars for the first man that was spending the night there has to break the spell, you know, the spell of the ghost. Abbott, I ain't going to get mixed up with no ghost. What do you mean? When people stop walking and talking, I'm through with them. No, no, no. I am not that dopey. No. So, Stella, ghost is not real. When you see a ghost, you see an apparition. Abbott, when I had my apparition for up front of Saturday, all I saw was a doctor and a beautiful nurse. No, no, no. I'm not talking about an apparition. I'm talking about an apparition. Apparition like in Hellucination. Abbott, what in Hellucination are you talking about? Stella, I'm talking about ghosts, spooks to you. Abbott, that ghost may spook to me, but I ain't spooking to him. I ain't holding no conversation with those strange ghosts. You nitwit, you can't speak to a ghost? No. You just said a ghost spook to me. You idiot. A spook is a ghost. You have nothing to be afraid of because I'm not talking about an apparition. I'm not talking about ghosts. I'm talking about ghosts. I can't be afraid of because the ghost is the house. You see, the house is only a room. Boy, well, what'd you say? And I really mean, what did you say? I said the ghost in the house is only a room. I wouldn't care if it was a little. I love you, darling. This ghost is a roomer. A roomer is a tale, a vicious tale. I ain't going to no house explain to you what a ghost is. Now let's say for example a ghost motion picture did you see the ghost picture that Irene Dunn did? Dunn did? Yeah. What kind of talk is that? You mean Dunn Dunn? No, no, no. Look, I saw Irene Dunn did a picture, a ghost picture. Did you see the picture that Irene Dunn did? Look at it. If Irene Dunn did it, I'd just thought you all run out. Well, please. Well, you listen to me, I'm talking about the star Irene Dunn. Now, you know that Dunn does pictures. Dunn doesn't? Well, shut my mouth. I didn't know that Dunn doesn't. I thought that does, doesn't. Well, that's everything. Yeah! Look, I'm talking about the ghost picture that Irene Dunn did. When I say that Irene Dunn did a picture, I don't mean that Irene Dunn done a picture. I mean that Irene Dunn did a picture and the picture that Dunn did is what Dunn done. Oh, when you say that Irene Dunn did a picture, you don't mean that Irene Dunn done a picture. You mean that Irene Dunn did a picture and the picture that Dunn did is what Dunn done. Now you've got it. Now I've got it. I don't even know what I'm talking about. I'm going to be honest with ma'am Zell. In this father just like wonder No heart ever yearned to wait at Mander For you And yet I go too well Someday you'll say goodbye And then violin will cry It's so nice, and there's a bottle just like Wanda No heart ever yearns to win at Manda For you, and yet I know too well Someday you'll say goodbye When violin will fly, and there's a bottle Have you been thinking about taking that job in the haunted house? That thousand dollars would buy your mother a nice present for Mother's Day Yes, have it, I've been thinking of the ghost all day I even want to see the ghost picture that I've been done this There's an old guy in that picture that takes beautiful girls into the haunted house And they're never seen again That old man must be a fiend He may be a fiend, but he ain't no dope Well, I continue here Oh yes, yes, yes You could have seen what went on in the haunted house In the first scene there's a gunshot and a body Murder? Murder In the second scene there's a gunshot and another body Murder? Murder In the third scene there's a beautiful blonde sweater girl Murder? Murder! Well, never mind that, hey, here's the office of the real estate broker Who is offering that reward to the man who will spend the night in the haunted house Crusteller, you're going to earn that money And you can send the thousand dollars to your mother Yes, my mother could use that money to help one of our relatives get cured of a nervous breakdown Who's the relative with the nervous breakdown? After I spend the night in that haunted house, me Dog fans, they're going in there and get you that job Well, good morning gentlemen What can I do for you? My friend Costello wants to spend the night in your haunted house and earn that thousand dollars Ah, yes As the cow said to the farmer with the big hands Boy, what a jerk Tell me Costello, have you ever had any experience with ghosts? Oh sure, one time I saw a whole flock of ghosts sitting around a campfire What were they doing? Telling people stories Oh, good Well then Costello, you'll take the job Not me, I ain't spending the night in the haunted house Costello, you're not afraid of ghosts You're not a spineless jellyfish You're not a fizzy bridgehead You're not a cringing yellow cow You want a bet? Mr. Brown, Costello will take the job Oh, goody, goody, goody Costello, the job is yours Here's the address of the haunted house And the skinny anus at the mouth of Maxwell Here's the key Well, I'll see you tomorrow morning I hope Well, come on, Costello Let's go across the street to that bookstore And I'll buy you a book on how to handle ghosts Look out Look out for that car, Costello, look out Well, what do you know? He stopped for us Must be an easterner Skinny anus, skinny Costello's going to spend the night in the haunted house Oh, yeah? You know, our house used to be haunted It was haunted by the ghost of a bottle of bourbon Oh, you're not skinny How could a bottle of bourbon... A bottle of bourbon can die? Oh, no I was there the night my father killed it And if that skinny ever becomes a ghost He won't need a sheet An empty teabag would cover him I don't mind him Let's go into the bookstore That lady over there, where the ghost books are I saw her Pardon me, miss Could you tell me where... Well, if it isn't Mr. Orbit And Mr. Costello You fought, little one You... Well, well, miss What are you doing here in the bookstore? Oh, I just wrote in to bruise Among the best suitors Best suitors? Oh, well, you know what best suitors are That's like Faroofer Ombour And how groomed was my bully By any chance, have you read Uncle Toon's Kubin? Yaus But I'd prefer But I'd prefer the three little cootin Who lost their mutton Well, I would be totaling along As we say in Siamese Olisaki pull a cut of pizza And kiss it to you And an old sock full of cutters' cheese And a kisser to you, too Fantastic, fellow Come on Let's look for the ghost book Hey, say there's... There's Marilyn Ah, lovely Marilyn Oldsmobile Marilyn Oldsmobile You mean Marilyn Maxwell And did you ever see a Maxwell With a chassis like that? Hello, Mr. Abbott Hello, Lewis Darling Marilyn Darling Every time I see you My heart goes pitter-patter Knock, knock, pitter-patter Knock, knock, what's the knock for? My engine always knocks When it's warm enough I'll just tell her Marilyn Castiller's going to make A thousand dollars By spending the night in a haunted house Oh, Lewis, aren't you afraid? Afraid of what? Well, well, suppose While you're sitting there In that haunted house An ugly, old, decrepit, hideous face Should appear before you That's one thing I don't have to worry about Abbott's got a date tonight Come on, Castiller We've got to get that ghost book Come on Lewis, you remember the last time We met in this bookstore? When the clerk wasn't looking at you You kissed me Shame on you, Castiller Making love to Marilyn In a public bookstore Where did you kiss her? Between the novels And the natural histories Lewis Lewis, would you like for me To come and sit with you tonight In that haunted house? I couldn't let you do that, darling Suppose a ghost should come up And put his arms around you Oh, a ghost wouldn't do that Every ghost has his own Ghoul friend Goodbye now Well, come on, Castiller It's getting dark We've got to get over to that haunted house Well, Castiller Here's the haunted house Wrote it with a spooky-looking joint What's the matter? Abbott, there's a big black thing Following me You built that your shadow Then why ain't it doing what I'm doing? Never mind that Open the door Abbott It's dark in here I ain't gonna stay in this house Oh, don't be silly, Castiller There's nothing you'd be scared about Careful, Castiller Don't step on that cat's tail Okay, Abbott Abbott Abbott, who said that? I told you not to step on that cat's tail I don't see any cat There is no cat Just the tail Abbott Well, come on, Castiller It's almost 12 o'clock tonight If you want to get that thousand dollars You'd better get inside that haunted house And stay there until morning Abbott, there must be something wrong with that house Why? It's been vacant two years Not even a veteran has tried to rent it Hey, Abbott Look What's the matter? I see two hands in front of me Now they're coming together What is it? 12 o'clock That must be Pacific ghost time Hey, Abbott I'm getting out of here There's a guy I want to see outside Oh, me See you later I'll come back here, you sissy Look over there, Abbott There's a ghost in the corner I think it's a lady ghost What makes you think it's a lady ghost? We're in a low-cut sheet I'm getting out of here now Same on you, you coward Only a baby would be afraid of a ghost Abbott, please, ask me to paddle him Hello, boys I'm a ghost Wait a minute If you're a ghost, what's your sheet? You'll earn a blanket It gets cold at night in California, kid What's the matter with you, Cousin? Look, Abbott There's one of those spooks coming up the stairs now Hey, wait a minute Cousin, you're right Look, look, look But don't worry I know how to break the spell of the ghost You must pull the sheet off that face Now, I'll stick around in the back of it And you pull the sheet off Oh, no, you don't Oh, all right, then You pull the sheet off And I'll stick around in the back That's better Wait a minute, that's the same thing Wait, Cousin I'll grab the sheet off the ghost Tello, it's Mr. Wetwise Abbott, put the sheet back on Why, Mr. Abbott What are you doing in this haunted house With that horrible Halloween pumpkin? No, pardon me, it's Cousin I think you hadn't said that, Mrs. Wetwise Only today I was telling that But what sparkling white piece you have Oh, did you notice them when I smiled? No, I passed your house this morning They were hanging on the clothesline Why, it's Cousin Mr. Wetwise, what are you doing in this haunted house Masquerading as a ghost? Boys, I'm going to take you into my confidence I'm going to reveal a secret that nobody else knows Maybe she's going to tell us her right age Hey, quiet, Masquerading What is it, Mrs. Wetwise? Well, Cousin, are you sure you can keep a secret? Certainly I saw that new picture last night And I wouldn't even tell anybody Why George Hapley was late Oh, my God, I'll tell you You see, this house isn't really haunted No It's just me playing the part of a monster-faced ghost That's the best piece of casting We've had on this show, all keyed up You shut up, Cousin, this is Wetwise Why do you want this house? Well, because I don't want anyone to buy it My late husband, Herman Wetwise Wants only this house and he hit a treasure map Somewhere in this room Now, if you boys would help me find that map We can dig up the treasure and split it And we'll each get a third Okay, but remember, Abbott I want my full third 20% Cassella, we'll help Mrs. Wetwise We can each take turns haunting the house Until the map is found Cassella, you take the first eight-hour shift Good I'll... Wait a minute Why should I take the first eight-hour shift? All right And Mr. Abbott, you take the first shift And, Cassella, you can come next door to my house And we'll go into the parlor and mess Well, you talk me into a... Oh, you're coming with me? No, I'm taking the first shift I've been sitting here by myself in the dark for hours But the darkness doesn't frighten me Being alone doesn't frighten me All this silence doesn't frighten me That frightens me That must be Abbott Cummins He must have heard me Hey, Abbott, I'm in here Hey, Abbott, you're all dressed up like a ghost Why don't you learn to walk on a ceiling like that? Look at Abbott He's walking on a ceiling He's walking on a ceiling Wait, Abbott, get back down! Don't be frightened Don't be frightened, little fat man I'm a kind ghost I never hurt anybody I can't help but to find a ghost Oh, you seem all right Tell me, how did you become a ghost? Well, up until three weeks ago I was a man just like you And I had no place to live I looked and looked and looked for a house And finally, I located this house And when I found out it was vacant I dropped dead Sorry Actually, it's a sad story But my uncle Mike became a ghost under very similar circumstances Did he did? Yes, he spent three years funneling his way out of St. Clinton and came up in the gas chamber See, that's sad, too But I wish you'd do me a favor There's a very ugly woman that keeps running through this house every night, and I'm afraid of it None of us speaks to her You mean none of you speaks to her? Don't tell me how to do a routine I used to do jokes with a cell phone Do you have to pay her much money? Seven bones a week Must have been red skeleton Seven bones a week, David Who is that woman that comes here every night? Oh, that's Mrs. Whitward She's looking for the treasure map her late husband hid in this room Oh, that old thing So we're there behind the third loose brick in the fireplace Oh, thanks I'll get the map and I'll take you to her right away Third loose brick Here it is Here it is Hey, Abbott Mrs. Whitward I've found the map I've found the map Hey, listen Here we are Here we are, Castello Oh, look, Miss Rabbit He's found the map Oh, Castello This is wonderful I'll call the man and tell him that he can fill the house right away Now, it's weekly in the garden and we'll dig up the treasure and split it Hey, Castello Are you sure you're reading that map right? You dug up this whole garden and we found no treasure Oh, Castello Let me see that map Here it is Read it for yourself Take two steps forward two steps to the right and three steps back Let me see that Here it is Take two steps forward two steps to the right and three steps back Why, you whale-weighting white-brained weevils This is no stranger, man This is a dancing lesson from Arthur Murray Shall we dance? All together