 The Jack Benny program, presented by Lucky Strike. L.S.M.F.T. Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. Just listen to the words of Thomas Ray Oglesby, ace tobacco auctioneer, who said... At all the markets I've attended, I've seen the makers of Lucky Strike by good, right, mild leave. And Harry R. King, independent tobacco buyer. I've seen the makers of Lucky Strike by fine tobacco that smokes up smooth and mild. Yes, for a real smoke, I picked Lucky. You've just heard the words of independent tobacco experts. The impartial authorities on tobacco quality. So for your own real deep down smoking enjoyment, remember... L.S.M.F.T. Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. So smoke that smoke of fine tobacco, Lucky Strike. So round, so firm, so fully packed, so free and easy on the draw. The Lucky Strike program, starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston, Phil Harris, Rochester, Dennis Day, and yours truly, Don Wilson. And now, ladies and gentlemen, let's go out to Jack Benny's home in Beverly Hills, where we find Jack trying to fix his broken phonograph. Hand me the screwdriver, Rochester. I want to tighten the last screw on this phonograph. Here you are. There, that ought to fix it. I'll turn it on. It was too fast. Bing Crosby singing White Christmas. It sounded more like F.E. Boone singing Mother McCree. Yeah, I can't understand what's wrong with this phonograph. It's never given me trouble before. Well, boss, maybe if I took this and... Oh, Rochester, look what you've done. You've knocked the horn off. And you tipped over the dog, too. This is be kind to animals, we. I'm sorry, boss. Let's take another look at the motor and see what's wrong. Okay. Hey, wait a minute. Here's the loose wire, and I see where it's supposed to go. I'll just take it and plug it in. Pull out the plug! Pull out the plug! Wow, what a shock. She was enough to make my hair stand on end. You want me to go in your room and see? Half do I'm wearing it. The show won't be as short as you think. Now, there's the wire is fixed. Now, let's try some... Now, let's try some other... Let's try some other records. Let's try some other records. What have we got in that album? Let me see. Found a million dollars. I don't want to spoil those. Play some of the old ones. Put some of these on. I want to try it out. Yes, sir. Shall we put in a new needle? No, Roger. The needle we have was guaranteed to play a thousand records. We've only used it 873 times. Memory nothing. Count the notches in the side of the phonograph. Now, let's turn it on and see if the record changer is working there. Yes, sir. Rochester, what's happened? Why is the phonograph throwing the records up in the air? We never should have fixed it with those parts out of the toaster. Well, I think that... Come in. Hello, Jack. What are you doing? Rochester and I were just fixing... Duck Mary, here comes the Sheik of Araby. Rochester, turn that thing off. We'll use it without the changer. Yes, sir. Jack, what's going on here? Rochester and I fixed the phonograph. Again? Why don't you get rid of that old thing and buy a new one? Mary, this phonograph isn't so old. Go on. Edison's fingerprints are still on it. What? And she means Edison the boy. Look, Mary, the phonograph works all right now. I mean, I not only fixed it, but I modernized it and brought it right up to date. I'll bet you did. Well, if you don't believe it, try it yourself. All right. Have you got two nickels for a dime? Oh, Mary, put in the dime. Be a sport. You know, it plays three records that way. If you put in a quarter, you get a sandwich, a cup of coffee, and a guide to the movie star's home. We haven't perfected that yet. Go ahead, Mary, put in the dime. I'll take your word for it. Say, Jack, am I the first one here for rehearsal? Yeah, but the others will be here pretty soon. By the way, Mary, I haven't seen you in a couple of days. What's new? Oh, nothing much. Oh, I got a letter from Mama yesterday. A letter from your mother? Well, what does the happy chandler of Plainfield have to say? I'll read it to you. Go ahead. My darling daughter, Mary, just a few lines to let you know that we are all well and hope you are the same. We've been very busy with the spring planting. Your sister, Babe, helped Papa with the plowing. She did a swell job, but I'll be glad when the horse gets better. Mary, your sister, Babe, pulled the plow? Sure, Jack, she's as strong as a horse. Yes, and when you put a straw hat on her, you can't... Jack, please. Excuse me, go ahead with the letter. And Mary, your sister, Babe, has a new boyfriend. He is the local undertaker here, and I wish he'd give him up. I'm sick of him coming into the house with those second-hand flowers. But even though he's an undertaker, he's a very progressive and advertises on the radio. His theme song is, How Are Things in Rigor Mortis? No, it could be. To each his earned. Hey, I'm hot today. Everybody's hot today. I wonder if I can get a guest shot on this program. And Mary, they've nearly finished building the new high school here. It's very beautiful and modern, and will cost over a million dollars. Oops! Jack, are you still doing that? I'm sorry, go on with the letter. Your father's lodge held their annual celebration last Saturday night. Your father was the guest of honor, and every time he stood up to make a speech, he banged his head. Banged his head? He kept complaining that the ceiling was too low. It wasn't until a party was half over that he found out he was under the table. So, he made his speech to three cockroaches and a midget who'd come in out of the rain. Your mother's a regular Milton girl. Well, that's about all the news, Mary. So we'll close with love and kisses from your mother, Hop along Livingston. What a letter. You know, Mary, I can't understand your mother. Oh, Jack, there's nothing wrong with mama. Maybe not, but I wouldn't be married to her for a million dollars. Whoops! Mary, you two? Yeah, I must be contagious. Yeah. Hey, that must be some of the gang. Come in! Well, well, it's Dennis. Where? It's you. It's you. Come on in. Hello, kid. Hello, Mr. Benny. Hello, Mary. How are you, Dennis? Fine. Gee, it sure is hot out. It certainly is. This morning, my uncle fried an egg on the sidewalk. He did? Yeah. Yesterday, he fried an egg on the sidewalk, too. No kidding? Yeah. You know where he can find an apartment? Oh, so that's the reason. Yeah, I feel sorry for your uncle. Yeah, so do I. He likes his eggs boiled. No, fine. Dennis, it's really a shame that your uncle has to live out on the street. What a place to spend a honeymoon. All right, all right. Now, look, Dennis, the scripts aren't here yet, so we can run over your song before rehearsal. Uh, what number are you gonna do? Well, I made a record of a new song, and I brought it with me. Would you like to hear it? Sure, kid. Sure. Put it on the phonograph. Okay. Is this deductible from my income tax? Oh, sure. It's a business expense, you know. Now, go ahead. Turn it on. Okay. Jack, what are you doing with that knife? I'm putting another notch on the side of the phonograph. Come on, kid. Let's hear the song. How can it be a beautiful morning? Am I gonna kiss you goodnight? When can I put the ring on? Very good song, and I'm glad you recorded it. It'll sound swell on the... Dennis, where'd you get that sandwich? It came out of the phonograph. Well, what do you know? It works. Yeah, but not very well. What a sandwich. It's like the hand between two records. Well, that's sort of a double decah. Mary, I had my glasses on. Anyway, that was a good joke. I thought it was corny. Oh, you did, eh? Yeah, you want to make something out of it? Yes. Hit him again, Mary. Dennis, just because my humor goes over your head, don't think that you're... Come in! Here's Phil Don and the quartet. Hello, fellas. Hiya, Jackson. Hello, Jack. Well, boys, as soon as the scripts get here, we can start rehearsal. Hey, by the way, Phil. Man, you look wonderful. Nice color in your cheeks and everything. Yes, sir. You can congratulate me, Jackson. I'm a change man. A change man? Jackson, I finally realized I was on the wrong road. I had to do something. Well, what made you realize it? Well, the other night, I went to bed like I always do. I had a good night's sleep, and when I got up in the morning, I staggered all over the room, reached for a chair, and fell flat on my face. When did that happen? Thursday morning. Phil, that was the earthquake. Holy smoke, and I gave up drinking. Wait a minute, Jackson. Hand me that phone. I got to call Frankie before it's too late. Why, what's the matter? He's on his way to a sanitarium to take the cure. Well, let him go, Phil. Believe me, it won't harm him permanently. I'm sure you will. Hey, Mr. Benny, you know what happened to me during the earthquake? What, Ken? My mother was giving me a haircut when things started to shake. She cut one of my ears off. The what? She cut one of my ears off. You got two ears. Now, yes. Now, cut that out. I'm going to do some shopping. What about the rehearsal? Well, the scripts will be here in a couple of minutes. I'll say, Jack, I meant to ask you, how did you finally make out with Sam Goldwyn last week? Are you going to do a picture for him? No, Don. You see, Mr. Goldwyn wants me to, but his next picture isn't my type. It's going to be Les Miserables. Les Miserables. Yes, by Victor Hogy. Victor Hugo. You got him mixed up with Hogy Michelson. Yes. Well, anyway, Mr. Goldwyn and I are going to work out a... Hey, that must be the script. Come in. Well, Steve, hey, kids, it's my publicity man, Steve Brathley. What's up? Publicity? Yes, and last week I conducted the popularity poll and compared with the poll I made three years ago, you've only moved up one place. One place, when did that happen? When Hitler killed himself. Now, wait a minute, Steve. I don't have time to lose, Benny. I thought it was so urgent that when I couldn't reach you by telephone, I sent a message by carrier pigeon. Carrier pigeon? Well, that must have been the pigeon that landed on my windowsill. Yeah, yeah, didn't you see the message? It's tied to his ankle. M-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-messin'? Rochester. Don't look at me, boss, you ain't the leg... I thought the paper on that leg was a panty there. Anyway, Steve, I appreciate your worrying about me, but I don't need any publicity. As a matter of fact, only two weeks ago, my picture was on the cover of Newsweek magazine. Hey, Jackson, was that your face? Certainly. How do you like that? I thought it was a nab for spam. That's because the photographer told me to stick my... stick out my tongue. Hey, someone turns the page and he's got to place the wet his fingers. Yes. They think of everything. All right, Benny, I think that picture on the cover of Newsweek was great, but you've got to follow it up with something. You're some sort of a stunt. Now, wait a minute, Steve. I don't want any more of your stunts. The last time you had an idea, you wanted me to go to Texas, climb into the big-inch pipeline, and swim all the way to New York. And you had a time so I'd crawl out the other end on Groundhog Day. No more of that for me. I know, I know, but this new idea is different. Benny, I've got an idea that'll make you loved and respected by everybody in the country. Me? Yes, sir. We'll take one of the great men in American history, like, well, say, like Abraham Lincoln. Lincoln? That's it. From now on, you're going to do everything Lincoln did. You're going to act like Lincoln, talk like Lincoln. Yes, you're even walk like Lincoln. But, Steve, I don't know how Lincoln walked. Don't you remember? I look, Steve, unless you've got an idea that makes sense, I don't want any part of it. I don't want any... Now, go home and... Wait a minute, wait a minute. Hold it, hold it, hold it. What? Think of this idea before. What an idea! All right, what is it? Baseball. Huh? Look, Bob Hope bought himself a Cleveland Indian. Being crossed, he bought the Pittsburgh Pirates. And today, what is everyone talking about? The weather. Dennis. Is it unusual? No, no. What are you getting at, Steve? Benny, you've got to have a baseball team. Well, look, Steve, I like the idea, but a baseball team is liable to run into a lot of money. Leave it to me, Benny. I'll find your team that won't cost you much dough. Good, good. I'll get a team that's unknown with the proper training in a year so you can sell them to somebody else and clear yourself a net profit of a million dollars. Say, that sounds pretty... Jack, how come he didn't go whoops? When it's coming my way, there's no need for it. All right, Steve, it's a great idea. Go out and get me a baseball team. Leave it to me, Benny. Sell on, everybody. You know, kids, I think Bradley's got a good idea with that baseball team. He certainly has, Jack. And look at the commercials you can do. Commercials with baseball? Why, certainly. You've got your quartet, the sportsman, right here, and they can take a song and fit it to anything. What are you talking about? Have you got a record of Take Me Out to the Ball Game? That's one of our new ones. Yes, yes. I'll put it on. Here's a nickel, Jack. Ah, this one's on the house. One might so let's pump, pump, pump, on a lucky Just remember the name strikes at the old In Goldsboro, North Carolina, and the old ball game is tied up. It's the last half of the night and the bases are loaded. Speedy Riggs is on first, Effie Boone is on second, and Greenberg's on third. It's a risedale. He's warming up. He's swinging two big tobacco leaves. Wait a minute, wait a minute. He's walking up to the empire, and he says, Give me a light, bud. He steps back in the batter's box, and here comes the pitch. Look at that ball. So round, so firm, so fully packed, so free and easy on the throw. It's a long view. It's going, going over the fence and lands into the back of the field, out there with that fine, that light, that naturally mild tobacco. Me out to the ball game. Take me out with the crowd. The score for a lucky is two to one. You'll smoke and you'll cheer, and you'll have so much fun. So let's puff, puff, puff on a lucky. Just remember the name for itself. S-M-F-F-T at the old ball. Look how great it'll give me a lot of publicity. Certainly, Jack. You need publicity. Yeah, you've only got one show. Anyway, I think Steve Bradley is right. If having a baseball team is good for Hope and Crosby, it's good for me too. You want to know something, Jackson? I used to play baseball. In fact, I was on a team where every player was the band leader. Really, Phil? Yeah, but they threw me out. Why? Every time I slid in the third base, I'd spike Jones. No wonder you can't get the first base hairs. When they handed out brains, they threw you a curb. Well, nobody threw you a curb. You just sat in a bleachers too long without a hat. Believe me. You know, Mr. Benny, a bunch of my friends came over to my house yesterday and asked me to play baseball. Oh, did you play? Yeah, but every time I hit the ball, I broke a window. What? I broke seven windows. Well, kid, you must have played too close to the house when you went outside. Oh, outside? You played baseball inside the house? Yeah, you want to make something out of it? Oh, be quiet! I got some shopping to do. Let's get on with the rehearsal. Mary, we can't. The scripts aren't here yet. They aren't? No. Why don't you call up NBC and see what's wrong? All right, I will. Take me out to the ball game Take me out with the crowd I know a way to save 80 cents I'll grill two holes and we'll look through the fence Hey, Ball, what is it? Guy, true. You get it, will you? Okay. National Bulletin Company. Oh, hello. And I'll connect you. Mabel, it's Mr. Benny. I wonder what spam face wants now. Connect him with the Mimeograph Department because they haven't delivered his scripts yet. Scripts? Well, how do you like that? And he palms himself off as an ad-lib comedian. An ad-libber clipped if he had false teeth. That's the truth. But I don't care if he's an ad-libber or not. I think he's a cute schmo. I don't think he's cute. He's gone out with me more times than he has with you. He has not. He has too. Oh, Mabel, let's not argue. When we look like we do, we should be happy that we've got each other. Mr. Benny, to pop the question any day now. Pop the question? You tell me. Come on, Mabel, don't keep me in suspense. I'm out of my curiosity. Tell me why... Oh, okay. She cools. We'll be handled. I think he just kissed me. Why, Mabel, this is me with those thick glasses on. I feel like I'm window shopping. I saw my reflection in his glasses and I thought someone was watching us. Operator, I want the Mimeograph Department. What? Well, when you get them, tell them to send the scripts out to my house. Goodbye. Well, kids, there's nothing to do but wait. We won't be able to rehearse until... All of it, all of it, Benny. I'm back. I'm back. Steve. Yes, Benny, you wanted the baseball team and Bradley didn't let you down. That's swell. The sinus contract, the team is yours for $1,000. Good, good. There you are. Now, what's the name of the team? B.B.B. What's that? Benny's Bucks and Plumigals. A girl's team. I got a good mind. Jack, your slip is showing. Oh, quiet. Russell Rivesdale. As you listen to the chant of the tobacco auctioneer, remember, L-S-M-F-T. Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. And in a cigarette, it's the tobacco that counts. Listen now to the words of a man who's seen millions of pounds of tobacco bought and sold. Mr. George Alfred Webster of Durham, North Carolina, he said, At auction after auction, I've seen the makers of Lucky Strike by fine tobacco that makes one grand smoke. I've smoked Lucky's myself for 29 years. Those were the words of a man who really knows tobacco. He said, I've smoked Lucky's myself for 29 years. Those were the words of a man who really knows tobacco. Yes, independent experts like Mr. Webster can see the makers of Lucky Strike consistently select and buy that fine, that light, that naturally mild tobacco. Fine, light, naturally mild tobacco. Remember, L-S-M-F-T. Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. No doubt about it. L-S-M-F-T. Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. And this fine Lucky Strike tobacco means real deep down smoking enjoyment for you. So smoke that smoker, fine tobacco, Lucky Strike. So round, so firm, so fully packed, so free and easy on the draw. Hmm. Had to get me a girl's baseball team. I need that like a moose needs a hat rack. Where'd I hear that? Oh, yes, on my repeat broadcast last week. Can't understand why I didn't get a laugh. Maybe, I don't know, maybe it was too clever. Too clever? Quiet, Polly. Well, everybody's gone home. They might as well practice on my violin. A Rochester. Rochester, give me a. That's close enough. Better practice my exercises first. No, I better not jazz it up yet. I'm not ready for it yet. Maybe I ought to practice intermezzo.