 Screen Directors Playhouse, Stars, Lucille Ball, Robert Cummings, Production, Bachelor Mother, Director, Garson Canan. This is the Screen Directors Playhouse, the Thursday night feature on NBC's All-Star Festival of Comedy, Music, Mystery and Drama. Brought to you by the makers of Anison, for fast relief from the pain of headache, neuritis and neuralgia, by RCA Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music, first in television, and by Chesterfield, the cigarette that has for you what every smoker wants, mildness, plus no unpleasant aftertaste, the cigarette that brings you Bing Crosby and Bob Hope. Night, the Screen Directors Playhouse is pleased to present a classic in comedy. Here are Robert Cummings and Lucille Ball, starring in our adaptation of a play on laughter named Bachelor Mother. But before the first act, here's a message from the makers of Anison. If you suffer from pains of headaches, neuritis or neuralgia, you should discover what many thousands have known for years that Anison brings incredibly fast, effective relief. Anison is like a doctor's prescription. That is, Anison contains not just one, but a combination of medically proven, active ingredients in easy to take tablet form. Probably at some time you have received an envelope containing Anison tablets from your physician or dentist. Thousands of people have been introduced to Anison this way. Try Anison yourself the next time you suffer from the pains of a headache, neuritis or neuralgia. You'll be delighted at how quickly relief can come. Anison is spelled A-N-A-C-I-N. Your drugist has Anison in handy boxes of 12 and 30 tablets and economical family-sized bottles of 50 and 100 for your medicine cabinet. Ask for Anison today. Now, the first act of Bachelor Mother, starring Lucille Ball as Polly Parrish and Robert Cummings as David Merlin. This is the toy department. You'll find the girdles behind ladies' dresses. Come, come, Miss Parrish. Your mechanical duct is running down. I'm sorry, Mr. Hargraves. I was waiting on a customer. You know the rules of the toy department, Miss Parrish? A mechanical duct must be kept in motion at all times. Yes, Mr. Hargraves. Then wind it up. Remember all slogan, keep them quacky. How would you like a quack and a kisser? Ah, don't let Hargraves get you, Polly. He's just a floor walker. I ought to put a B in his boutonniere. Quack, quack all the time. Quack, quack, quack, quack. Listen to this little monster. Well, tomorrow it'll be all over for you. Sure, I'm lucky to get fired. Sure. Some birthday present. Miss Parrish, Merlin and Sun regrets to tell you the store is in the process of retrenchment. What's retrenchment? That's where they dig a hole in the ground and push you into it. Oh, here comes Hargraves with the boss' son. You better get that duck in motion. And here, Mr. Merlin, is the duck cow there. As you can see, everything is in quacky and good shape. Oh, yes, yes, very good shape, especially the sales girl. This is our Miss Parrish. Miss Parrish, say hello to Mr. Merlin. Hi, stupid. Miss Parrish. As long as I'm going to be fired, I may as well do it right. Well, Miss Parrish, I wish there was some way the store could express its regrets. Perhaps a little gift. An extra week's pay? No, no, I was thinking of a mechanical duck. Oh, thanks. I'll frequency it for breakfast. Perhaps Mr. Merlin would like to look at the dolls. Dolls? Oh, no, the last doll I looked at cost me $5,000. In lawyer's fees, you know. The doll department. Oh, yes, yes, the doll department. Well, Miss Parrish, goodbye, and good luck. Hey, Polly, getting in with the boss' son. I'll go away, Freddie. Uh-uh, you can't talk to Merlin's handsome as stock clerk that way. Handsome? You've got a face that'd stop a duck. You just don't like me. It's not that, Freddie. It's just that every time I see you, I want to kick your teeth in. Well, that's different. Hey, you want to go dancing tomorrow night? No. With me? Not interested. It's a Charleston contest at the Crystal Palace. Can't see it. The best pal is one of the judges. Means nothing. Means we can split a first prize of $100. $100? Freddie, I was just saying to myself, I'd love to go dancing tomorrow night. Oh, Polly, my feet are killing me. Well, here comes the bus now. Mary, look, that old lady. She just left something on that doorstep. So what? It looks like, like a baby. Is a baby. Well, it's none of our business. Come on, here's the bus. She's running away. Come on, we'll miss our bus. But, Mary. Next one. Poor little baby. Hello there. Gee, I don't blame you for crying lying on that cold step. Now, is this better? Somebody desert you. I wonder why she left you here. Well, well, step right inside. Welcome to the Atkins Foundling Home. What? Oh, I'll bet you think. Here, take the baby. Well, just come in and we'll make out the papers. My name is Mr. Michi. Please take a chair. I'll take the chair if you'll take the baby. Your name, please. Polly Parish. You spell it without a baby. And, uh, where are you employed? Merlin and sons, but tomorrow's the last day. I've been fired. I see. And is that why you want to give us your baby? My baby? Look, I got this baby while I was waiting for a bus. Uh, wish to bring suit against the driver? I don't understand. I was waiting for a bus and... Look, Mr. Michi. I never saw this baby before. Here, take it. Oh, very well. Give it to me. My goodness. And you still insist it's not your baby? My good man, when I want a family, I'll get one the hard way with a husband. Yes, we know where your mother works, and we'll get her back for you. Good morning, Father. Good morning. Good morning. Well, it's about time you got to the office. What kept you out until dawn this morning? I had an accident. A bumped accident. A bump accident. A bump accident. A bump accident. A bump accident. A bump accident. An accident. A bumped into something. What? A chorus girl named Gladys. David, you can't keep this up. Out every night with women and things? Things? Well, that describes Gladys all right. Look, Jaybe, I do my work, don't I? David, you know what I want? You're my only child and I want a grandson. I'll talk to Gladys. In the meantime, Jaybe, here's the personnel report I promised you. Why is this girl's name crossed off the list of dismissed employees? Oh, Polly Parrish. Oh, yes. Very sad story. Seems she has a baby. As near as I can figure, she got hit by a bus and there it was. She's waiting up in my office now. Baby! At least somebody has a grandchild. Go out there and take care of her. Good. We'll go over the rest of the report later. Well, well, so you're, uh, you're Mrs. Parrish. Miss Parrish. Miss Parrish? But you have a little, a little, a little... It's alright, Mr. Merlin. Anybody can make a mistake. How true, how true. Uh, pardon me. Uh, please send Mr. Meachie in here, Miss Wagner. Now, Miss Parrish, Mr. Meachie is going to do something nice for you. He's going to arrange to give you something. What? I'll, uh, I'll give you a clue. It makes squealing noises and keeps the neighbors awake. Mr. Merlin, a television set. No, no, not that. It's, uh, oh, there's the little lady. Uh, Miss Parrish, you're going to get something you don't expect. Something personal. You lay a hand on me and I'll slug you. No, no, no, please. I understand with the records that today is your birthday. Well, happy birthday, Miss Parrish. You have your job back again and a $5 raise to go with it. Huh? What do you say, Miss Parrish? Uh, uh, thank you. And when you go home tonight, you'll get your birthday present. Tonight, Mr. Meachie. Tonight, Mr. Merlin. So in the meantime, Miss Parrish, back to the mechanical ducks. And what do you say, Miss Parrish? Uh, thank you, Mr. Merlin. May your ducks never stop quacking. Oh, Miss Parrish, you're, uh, birthday present from J.B. Merlin and son. And, uh, what do you say, Miss Parrish? I say you better take that baby back to the foundling home where it belongs. Shame on you. To be the mother of this baby. You should have thought of that before. There wasn't any before. That baby is yours, Miss Parrish. I insist you mother it. Good night. Kid, this is nothing personal. Ah! From the pursuit of Polly Parrish. Oh, brother. Baby, I hope you don't mind hiding behind the couch. And now you just lie here for a minute and be quiet. Hey, Polly! Cupcake? Freddie, I've got a headache. I can't go dancing. I know. Wait a minute. We're a cinch to take the prize. 50 for you, 50 for me. Like we can walk. I heard a baby cry. Uh, next department. Oh. Well, like I say, this Charleston contest is huge. There is a baby coming out from behind that couch. What baby? That baby. I thought you said it was in the next department. What is it doing here? In walls. Which birthday? This one or the last one? Oh, what difference does it make? Freddie, hold the baby while I put my coat on. Huh? Are we going to take a dancing with us? We are not. We're dropping it off at the home of Mr. David Merlin. The boss's son? What's he got to do with it? Everything. He got me into this fix. I didn't know you knew him that well. I don't. We've hardly said two words. What that man can do with just two words. We'll find out exactly what Polly intends to do right after a word from RCA Victor. You know when spring puts in its appearance, the ladies always seem to catch the men off guard. They've been busy for weeks planting their spring wardrobe, studying the new style. At this year, there's one style everyone will want to study. It's the better looking in every way style of RCA Victor's magnificent new 17 inch television receiver, the Fairfield. With the Fairfield, you'll get television pictures which are exceptionally clear, bright, and steady. And you'll have RCA Victor's new picture pickup, which assures you of the best possible reception. If you've been looking for a television set that's going to look well in your home, here's your answer. The Fairfield's console cabinet is truly distinctive and its beautiful doors close over the screen when your set's not in use. Go see your RCA Victor dealer. He'll be glad to show you the better looking Fairfield. Here now is the second act of the screen director's Playhouse production of Bachelor Mother, starring Robert Cummings and Lucille Ball. What an evening. Fred Miller, I don't know what you're complaining about. What do you want to do, get me fired? Leaving that baby with the Merlin Butler. Telling him it was David Merlin's responsibility. Well, it is. What about me, you and your Charleston contest? Well, we won, didn't we? You said we'd win a hundred-dollar prize. How did I know it was a silver-loving cup? What am I supposed to do with it? I don't love anybody. Polly, you can try. Me, for instance? I'd like to try you for murder, for instance. I'm going in now. Oh, where's my keys? Come on, Polly, let yourself go. How about an itsy-bitsy kiss, huh? Get your hand off her itsy-bitsy arm. Mr. Merlin. Merlin! Well? Well, good night. Well, I think I'll just fall down the stairs. What do you have to say for yourself? Who let you in this apartment? The landlady was kind enough to let us in. Us? That baby back here. To its mother's arms when it belongs. Here, hold this cup. Crying because nobody loves you? Well, I love you. I do. This loving cup. Charleston contest first prize. Any mother who'd dance the Charleston after giving her baby away. It makes my flesh crawl. I'd like to see it crawl right out that door. For the last time, Mr. Merlin, I am not the mother of this child. Am I, baby? Yes, you are fired. And furthermore, I'll see to it that no department store in America will hire you. I'll write your character reference on a diaper. That's persecution. You bet it is. And eventually, you'll come back and plead for a chance to raise your own child. Miss Parrish, good night. Reconsidered? Yes. I'd like my job back. Well, I'm glad you've seen the light. I'm not as bad as you think. I'm just full of fun. Yes, that's what they said about Dillinger. There I was with a baby without a job. No money for food. I didn't want to raise my baby on hard tack and beans. No. No, of course not. But couldn't you make the father support the child? No. He ran away with a lady wrestler. Like these. Yes, he was a piano player. Used to play boogie with one hand and beat me with the other. No. See the scar? What scar? That's where he hit me with a flower pot. Oh, that's terrible. You ever been slugged with a pot full of nasturtiums? Poor kid. Well, don't worry about anything. Merlin and son are now on your side. Oh, thank you, Mr. Merlin. Well, good night, then. Oh, I'll see you in the store tomorrow. Good night. Hell, baby. Looks like you've got a mother after all. And mama has a job. Thanks for that anyway. Well, I don't know, Mrs. Weiss. I was just about... Maybe you're afraid the landlady knows you have a baby. No, you see, it really isn't my baby. Ah, the gentleman told me everything. Oh, such a nice baby. Just like you, it looks. Oh, you should be ashamed not to want such a baby. Well, I do want it. But maybe you don't know from babies. I know. My Jerome, I raised to be a great success. Today he runs his own cleaning establishment. That's very nice, Mrs. Weiss. But I just... See? It's time you should know about babies and diapers. Come on, now put him on the table. Ah, that's it. No. Let me show you. What's the safety pin? What's the name? Uh, name? Joan. And now the diaper. Joan? I said, John. Guys, and I'll make sure. What's the matter? Haven't you been sleeping? I only doze with a milk bottle in one hand and my head in the other. Oh, yeah, the baby. Look, Polly, you can trust me. Yeah. Yeah, couldn't get anything out of me with wild horses. Fine, I'll meet you at the stables after work. Oh, come on, come on, Polly. How about putting in a good word for me with David Merlin, huh? What are you talking about? The assistant floor walker's job. It's open. What about it, Polly? Sure, sure, anything. Just go away. Oh, thanks, kid. Well, Miss Perish, and how are you this morning? I'm sleepy, Mr. Merlin. The baby's been crying all night. Oh, well, you'll manage. It's a natural instinct. So asleep. You're making it all very complicated. This is just a pose that all mothers adopt. I saw through it when I was six years old. Oh, how did it happen? Oh, I spit my custard on the ceiling. And my mother gave up and got a nurse. She was a lovely thing, too. I'll bet. How long did she stay? About a year. She quit when I made a pass at her. But you were only seven. Yes, I know, but I was eating quite a bit of meat at the time. Oh, I know all about children, all right. Well, I'll leave you to your ducks, Miss Perish. I'm sure we'll be very happy together. Oh, Mr. Merlin. Yes, Mr. Hargraves. It's such an honor to have you visit our department. Everything seems to be running like clockwork. Sorry, I wasn't here to greet you. I was in the washroom practicing my sneer. Is there anything I can do for you while I'm here? Well, there is a question of a new assistant for me. Whom shall we promote? Well, the senior employee in the department, whoever he is. That is Fred Miller. I'll see to it immediately. Fine, we'll carry on the good work, Hargraves. Thank you. Oh, Miller, come here, please. You want me, Mr. Hargraves? Miller, bow your head in gratitude. Well, I... Tomorrow, when you come into work, you will find two carnations on my desk. Take the smaller one. You? You mean? Yes, Frederick. You are the new assistant floor walker. Wow, that's what I call service. Come on, Johnny. Stop playing and start eating. But you have to eat. Greetings, Mother. Hello, Mr. Merlin. What are you doing here? I came across this in the book department. Guide for a Happy Baby. Greatest book I ever saw. Well, I'm sure he'll enjoy reading it. Come on, Johnny. Open up. What are you doing? Now, there's a smart question. I'm playing canasta. You're feeding that baby. Well, what do you expect me to do? Send him out for a corned beef sandwich? Maybe you're feeding him wrong. What can be wrong? The baby opens his mouth. I put the food in. He swallows. From there on, he's on his own. Not necessarily. Let's have a look at the book. Here, here. Now, first, warm the food. That's great. Next, warm a spoon to room temperature. Oh, that's brilliant. Don't be snide, both of you. Then take a spoonful of food and let's see. Place on a piece of gauze. See, it says a piece of gauze. What for? Well, for a very good reason. Let's see. Place on a piece of gauze and gently rub into baby's navel. As you can see, it's very simple. It's ridiculous. Look, this happens to be a scientific textbook, Mother Deer. Look, Mr. Merlin, I am not rubbing oatmeal into this baby's navel. And why not? Because I happen to be an old-fashioned girl. Let me see that book. Okay, see for yourself. To relieve gas on child's stomach, take a spoonful of warm oil and place on piece of gauze and gently rub into baby's navel. I guess the joke's on me. Yes, and the oatmeal was almost on the baby. Come, Johnny, eat your dinner. Don't just sit there, Mr. Merlin. Do something. Well, I'll read you the book. Never mind the book. Wind this duck. Oh, very well. I'll say one thing. If there's anything I can do well, it's wind a duck. Tomorrow you can take it to the exchange department and get a new one. Exchange department? What do you mean, haha? It never exchanges anything, that's all. Nonsense. I'll exchange it for you. Yes, you can get it exchanged, probably for a grand piano. Look, I'll exchange it without anybody recognizing me. That, Mr. Merlin, is like trying to get toothpaste back in the tube. Just feed the baby. I will. Some baby can't even talk. Maybe if you fed him properly, he'd talk. Certainly he can talk. Go on, Johnny, say something to Mr. Merlin. Daddy! Merlin, you just became a father. Let's drop in on Bing and Bob, discussing a topic all smokers like to know about. Bob, do you realize we only have one thing in common? Hardly enough for a happy marriage, is it? What's that Bing? Chesterfields, of course. We both like them, we both sell them. And we'd better get to selling them now. You know, folks, better tasting Chesterfield is the only cigarette that combines for you mildness with no unpleasant aftertaste. How do you know they're mild, or you just make our mildness test you by them? Open them up and enjoy that milder aroma. Then smoke a Chesterfield. You'll know it's milder because it smokes milder. And Chesterfield leaves no unpleasant aftertaste. That fact has been confirmed by the country's first and only cigarette taste panel. So always buy a Chesterfield. Let's sum it up musically. Chesterfield, Chesterfield always takes first place. That milder mild tobacco never leaves an aftertaste. Oh-ho, open a pack and give them a smell. Then you'll smoke them. You're listening to the screen director's playhouse. The Thursday night feature on NBC's All Star Festival brought to you by the makers of Anderson for the fast relief of headache, neuritis, and neuralgia, by RCA Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music, first in television, and by Chesterfield, the cigarette that has for you what every smoker wants. Mildness plus no unpleasant aftertaste. The screen director's playhouse presentation of Bachelor Mother starring Lucille Ball and Robert Cummings will continue in just a moment after a brief pause for station identification. This is the screen director's playhouse. We continue with the third act of Bachelor Mother starring Robert Cummings as David Merlin and Lucille Ball as Polly Parrish. Carnation that walks like a man. Washer to floor walker in one horrible leap. No talking, no leaning on the counter, pick that up, keep those ducks in motion, straighten those boxes. The trouble with him is he gives everybody around him a superiority complex. Pardon me, Miss. Yes, can I help? Why, Mr. Merlin? Ha ha, had you fooled, didn't I? Orn rim glasses had over my eyes? I am about to exchange that mechanical duck. Oh, Mary, he's going to exchange a duck. Ha ha! Just escort me to the exchange window, Miss Parrish. Do you really think you'll get another duck? I'll have this exchanged in exactly one minute. Well, that's what the man said yesterday just before he threw himself down the elevator shaft. Nonsense. I'll simply be firm and courteous. Well, you can start right now. Here we are. Yes, sir, what can I do for you? I'd like to exchange this mechanical duck. Certainly, sir. What's your complaint? It's broken. Oh, what a shame. May I offer my sympathy? You can offer me a new duck. Well, we'll see about that. May I have your sales slip? Miss Parrish, where's the sales slip? I threw it away. Well, in that case, I suggest you throw the duck away, too. I want a new one. Remember, firm and courteous. Oh, yes. I'd like a new duck, please. Well, suppose you have this one repaired at our expense. Oh, that would be fine. What do I do? All you have to do is take it back to the manufacturer. And where's that? The Banzai Toy Company in Yokohama. I want a new duck. Well, you're not going to get it by shouting. Or any other way, either. Look, are you not going to give me a new duck? You'll have to speak to our Mr. Carruthard. And where is our Mr. Carruthard's? In the hospital with a seven-year itch. Well, that doesn't. I am personally going to exchange this for a new duck. Next, please. Mr. Merlin, you can't win. I certainly can win. I intend to take this duck off the counter and put it in my pocket. Hey, let me go. Let's go. Trying to get away with a hot duck. Why, Mr. Merlin? Yes, Mr. Merlin. Mr. Merlin? And a good thing I'm not a customer. How long have you had this job? Oh, you know. Since yesterday, I was his stock clerk? Really? I've got a little secret to tell you. You're still a stock clerk. Hargraves demote this man. Oh, no! Frederick Miller, you have disgraced the toy department. Stand at attention. I am about to rip off your carnation. Now, once again, you are stock clerk Miller. Miss Parrish, whine your duck. He crushed my carnation. Come on, break it up. No gossiping. Straighten out those boxes. Don't think you and him are going to get away with this, Polly Parrish. I know where the body's buried. What are you talking about? You'll find out when J.P. Merlin gets my letter. Let's see, I have to find a date for tonight. Evelyn, no too tall. Mildred, no too short. Emily, no too big brothers. You unspeakable monster, you scoundrel. Quiet, I'm thinking Sandra, no, no Beth. My son, do you know what you've done? Yes, I've gotten stood up for the Van Ever Party tonight. Can you imagine a girl who breaks a date just because somebody else asked her out? Of course it was her husband. Look at this letter. Aren't you interested in what's in this letter? Why don't you ask? All right, what's in the letter? None of your business. As well. See, Georgeette, Edith. Wouldn't you have told me? Told you what? My grandson. I'll let you know as soon as he shows up. Margie, Marsha. Perhaps you might conceivably try the mother of the baby. Baby? Oh, you mean the baby. Don't deny it. Why should I deny it? I was glad to help. I'll go to the party. And why? Just because she's pretty and nice to be with a... Say, you know what? I think I'll take that girl to the party. Mr. Merlin. Your duck, madam. Complete with built-in quack. Thank you, thank you, but we'll have to be quiet. The baby's sleeping. Oh. What are the evening clothes for? Oh, we're going out. Me? Us? Yes, to a party. But how? Oh, I get it. You were stood up. Hmm, the hussy. You admit you were stood up and then come and ask me for a date. I do. In that case, I accept. I applaud your decision. Oh, but I can't. The baby. Well, can't somebody stay with him? Mrs. Weiss, the landlady. She is good old Mrs. Weiss. Oh, there's something else. What? No clothes. Well, I've got a department store full of them. Silks and sables for Polly Perry. Is it a big party? Oh, tremendous. Everybody's a millionaire. Except the butlers. They're just ordinary Republicans. What would you say? Well, you just say no to the men. And if I know the women, they won't talk to you anyway. Are you scared to death? You look like a magazine cover. I feel like the glue in the binding. All these people. Oh, you just leave it to me. Oh, here come the wolves. Oh, sorry, sorry, gentlemen. But the young lady is just over from Sweden. No, no, she doesn't speak a word of English. Oh, Sweden. Yes, but I'll be glad to tell her that you admire her. Excuse me. A drudjar-jalna-meitfungi? Smorgasbord. Oh, that's very funny. Yes, very funny. She says you all look like something that rubbed off of a polar bear. Well, how about asking her if she'll dance with us? Dance? Well, I'll try. Tell me, Sven Nibbling Gretchen-Smetchen? Kasjokugl potata latkes. She says you should break a leg. No, no. Stop your halvetschmaltering. Oh, that's ridiculous. Ridiculous. I couldn't kiss you here, not in front of all these people. I'm svi-dry-drop-dead. Look, if you don't mind, I'm going to ask her to dance. Dance? Well, then come along, honey-doll. Polly, Polly. Fine thing. I'll take you to a party, and the next time I see you is when we're going home in a taxi. Borsdorton for nagling. Tough luck, kiddo. Oh, now cut that out. I had a wonderful time. Well, I didn't. Watching all those wolves drool over you. I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. That crack about kissing me. I'll see you at the door. Wait here, driver. And what's so ridiculous about my kissing you? You wouldn't have dared. Not in front of everybody. No, I wouldn't. Not in front of everybody. I think I'd better go in, David. Polly. Yes? I'm glad you had a good time. I'm sorry, I didn't dance with you. Good night, Polly. Good night. You don't mind, do you? How do you say no in Swedish? Say, look, tomorrow's Sunday. Why don't we take a long drive in the country? Wouldn't it be too cold for the baby? Oh, sure, the baby, I guess. Yes, I guess so. Well, if you want to see us tomorrow, we'll be in the park. The park. All right. I'll remember. Good night, David. And a good time, Polly. I can see it. Oh, I did, Mrs. Weiss. How's Johnny? Waiting up for his mother. Oh, hello there. You mustn't worry about me, Johnny, because I think he likes me. But I don't think he likes you. Now, now, don't you frown, because nobody is going to come between us. You're my fella. Good night, darling. On this Sunday of all Sundays, I thought I'd better take a walk in the park. Hello there, Johnny. That kid's picking up a bad habit. Don't you ever spend any time with your family? Oh, there's just JB, my father. And he's all cranked up about some letter he got. He spent the morning glaring at me and mumbling something about a grandchild. Oh, speaking of glares, look at the one we're getting from this woman with the baby carriage. Baby, how old is he? Uh, seven months. Really? Junior's only six, and they seem to be about the same size, don't they? Yes, but you ought to see mine when he flexes his muscles. Does he stand up yet? I know. Oh, Junior does. Junior can probably run the hundred-yard dash. Does Junior talk? At six months? Of course not. This one talks. Oh, why, that's impossible. Oh, no, he babbles incessantly. I can't believe it. Would you like to hear him talk? Yes, I would. Come on, baby. Say something. Say anything. I guess he's just meditating, but he did talk, didn't he, David? Oh, he certainly did. He speaks very well. He can recite the first line of Gunga Dinh. I heard him myself. You're a better man than I am, Gunga Dinh. Oh, my good man, that is not the first line of Gunga Dinh. It isn't? Well, I guess he isn't as bright as I thought he was. He certainly isn't. David, you can joke all you want, but this happens to be a very superior baby. Oh, I don't know. I guess it's heredity. Heaven forbid. Well, what's the matter with me? Well, what about the other 50%? That flowerpot thrower. How dare you talk that way about the father of this child? Okay, I'm sorry. I don't mean to... Hey, Dad! Dad, what are you doing here? David, I followed you here. Now, look, JB. Quiet! I know all about you, that litter. Are you Polly Parrish? Yes. And this is her little boy. Oh, would you mind could I hold him? Of course you can. I'd know that chin anywhere. Now, look, JB. What's so special about that chin? What's his name? John. John? Well, thanks for that anyway. You moldy reprobate. Well, that's a fine way for a father to talk. Don't talk to me about fatherhood. Polly, my dear. Is there something I can do for you, Mr. Merlin? You've already done it. Now, I wouldn't keep the baby out much longer. He's getting cold. JB, I don't like the way you're acting. You don't like the way I... Young man, I'll see you at home. Goodbye, Miss Parrish. David, is your father usually so strange? No, I don't understand. Holy mackerel. What? You know, he thinks... He thinks... Daddy! Little school pigeon. Now, father, if you'll only listen... I don't intend to listen. I'm going to speak. For 30 years, I've been waiting, waiting. What do you think I've been waiting for for 30 years? Social security? A grandson! Well, you won't get one by yelling at me! I wish it were in my power to exchange you for somebody else. All exchanges go through the Banzai Toy Company in Yogahama. Stop littering. Young man, you're going to marry that girl. I will not. You're going to bring my grandson into my house. For the last time, I haven't got a grandson, neither of you. I ought to know my own grandson. Dick a set of false teeth in his mouth, and he'd look just like me. That baby doesn't look any more like you than Peter Rabbit. Looks like Garbo. Mark my words. I'll have my grandson. I'll get him if I have to go to the Supreme Court judges. Good. Maybe one of them is the father, but I'm not. Here's what's bolder, Dash. I have a grandson. Oh, David, it must have been so funny. Oh, sure. It was hilarious. You know what that old lunatic is going to do? What? Take your baby away. I'd like to see him try. Listen, Polly, you don't know him. He'll try, and he'll succeed, too. But the baby belongs to me. Oh, you and that piano player. If you could only dig him up. I can't do that. Listen, when half a dozen lawyers start questioning your fitness to raise a baby, that's the end, believing. Well, maybe I can talk to your father. Maybe you can talk to Grants, too. He's gone right out of his mind. He even wants me to marry you. He does? Yeah, just so he can have a grandson. I tell you, Polly, this is very serious. Yes. It would be serious marrying me. I don't know what I'm... What? Oh. Oh, I...Polly. Now, look, I didn't mean it that way. Will you please go? But, Polly, I want to help. The only help I want is to be left alone by you and your father. Well, I'll do what I can to help. Please, Mr. Merlin, leave me alone. All right, Polly. What is that? Oh, Mrs. Weiss, please help me pack. I'm going away. Away? Where? Anywhere. They're trying to take my baby away. Who? That man who was just here. Oh, he's the papa of the baby? No. Then who is the papa? There isn't any. If there was one, the lawyers couldn't take the baby. Lawyers? Oh, you need a papa? You'll get a papa? My Jerome. Jerome! Nobody can take your baby. You call me mom. Jerome, be a good boy. You'll be the father of Miss Parish's baby. Before dinner? Quite true. Oh, ma, I'm hungry. Really, Jerome, all you have to do is come with me to see J.B. Merlin. You see, I have a baby that... Merlin! Don't shut the door. I want to talk to you. Look, Mr. Merlin, I'm just Freddie Miller, the stock clerk. I never meant no harm. Are you the father of Polly's baby? Me? Parish the thought, Mr. Merlin. Then who is? You are! What? If you think I know anything about this. Fred, how would you like to be an assistant floor manager again? You mean it? If you'll do me just a little favor. Oh, sure, sure, Mr. Merlin. Well, I have to find a father for Polly's baby. And if you can just pretend for an hour. Please sit down, Miss Parish, and you too, sir. Oh, thanks. Mr. Merlin, I think you should know the truth about the baby. What about my grandson? Is this the kid's grandfather? I am. How do you like that? I ain't even married. I got a father-law. Uh, Jerome means he always feels like a bridegroom. Oh, yeah. Mr. Merlin, may I introduce my husband and the baby's father? Glad to meet you. They here have a cigar. He is your husband? For two years. My real name is Mrs. Weiss. Yeah, yeah, Mrs. Weiss. She is my wife. We have been married for two years. We are very happy. We love our baby. Ha, ha, ha. It's good. Help Polly. Uh, so you see, Mr. Merlin, you really don't have a grandson after all. Well, it's as if there'd been a death in the family. So you see, there's no point in trying to take the baby away from my husband and me. Come along, Fred, right in here. Now if you'll just... Polly, I told you not to come here. Don't you raise your voice to her. Well, maybe this will convince you that it isn't my baby. Father, meet the father. Polly, darling, is this man trying to take our baby? Fred, Fred, don't. No, go on, Fred. Tell him, tell him. Mr. Merlin, my wife is a very nervous woman. Your son just come over to our flat and said you had the wrong impression about my son. Well, my son is my son, and I've got papers to prove it. Well, let's see those papers. Oh, never mind reading them, JB. Don't bother. This is nothing but a dog license. Well, I told you not to read them. Er, wrong papers. Believe me, I am the father of that baby. You ain't either. I am. Mr. Merlin, I'll bet you're getting the wrong impression of me. Who did you fool me? Well, I gotta go now. I'm getting hungry. Oh, no, you don't. So you finally showed up, you, you piano-playing fiend. Well, I couldn't get here any sooner. Mama didn't tell me. Mama didn't tell you a lot of things. David, stop this fakery and get these people out of here. Well, speak up, piano player. What have you got to say? How did it happen? Well, I'm the landlady's son. It was kind of easy. And you two, Fred, whatever your name is. Mr. Merlin, your son made me do it. I didn't want to be the baby's father. You weren't invited to be. Oh, yes, I was. I know what I'm talking about. I already told you the truth, Mr. Merlin, in the letter. I say that David is the baby's father. I say the landlady's son is the baby's father. I say Fred is the father. I don't care who the father is. I'm the grandfather. Yes, you are. You're the father. This is why it's just horrible. I hear. I'll close your suitcase. Everybody said everybody else was my baby's father. You don't know what a thing like that does to a girl. A poly. Who is the father? I don't know. So where are you going to sleep tonight? Oh, somewhere, anywhere. Come here, baby. Oh, what is it, darling? The duck? Is that what you want here? Will you help me downstairs with my bags, Mrs. Weiss? Certainly. I such a mix-up. Well, at least I've got Johnny. And I'm going to keep him, too, no matter what they try. Mrs. Weiss, there, coming up to the curb. It's David and his father. Quick, into my apartment. I'll stay here. Now, don't tell them. Take the bags. Hide. This is where she lives. Here's the landlady. Yes, something. Where's Miss Parish? Who? Polly Parish. I don't know any lollipoppies. Parish, my good woman. Parish, girl with a baby. Baby has three fathers. I'm the grandfather. Oh, she just moved. What? Sure. See for yourself. I will. Disappear. With my grandchild. Well, I have to go now and make cup of tea. Is that your apartment in there? Yes. But then we'd like to step in for a minute and talk to you. Oh, it's no use. You've hounded that poor girl out of her home. How's she going to live? How's she going to feed the baby? This landlady knows. Where is she hiding that baby out with it? I should drop dead. I don't know. Look, I'm not interested in the baby. Where's Polly, that poor girl without a roof over her head? Oh, why didn't I marry her? Well, why didn't you? Well, I wasn't sure. The baby is practically walking and he still isn't sure. Look, when you get that baby out of your mind, Polly Parish happens to be the woman I've fallen in love with. I could even love the baby, but we've got to find Polly. Maybe she'll come back. What's that noise? Something's cracking. There, on the floor, a mechanical duct. It came through that door. Polly! Now, stay out of there. Did you hear? About loving me? Well, I thought I was just trying to help you and then I realized it. Polly, do you love me? That depends on the baby. Well, Johnny, does she? Uh-huh. You see, he says yes. So do I, David. Then I, I, wait a minute. Father, I confess, I am the father of that child. I knew it! First honest words you'll send! Come on, Johnny, we're going home and Polly, I've got a surprise for you. We're getting married tonight. You still think I'm the mother of that baby? Why, certainly. Oh, David, have I got a surprise for you? And so the story of Bachelor Mother is told. Our stars, Lucille Ball and Robert Cummings, will return in just a moment with this week's guest director. Next Thursday, the Screen Directors Playhouse brings you two more great stars in a screen story vividly remembered. For the first time on the air, we'll present Thelma Jordan, directed by Robert Siadbank. And now, here again are tonight's stars, Lucille Ball and Robert Cummings. See, here's where we forget the words in the script and start saying a few of our all. Then, Bob, let's start with the first word in any actor's vocabulary, director. Okay, director it is. So, ladies and gentlemen, may we introduce a very special director, the gentleman who brought Bachelor Mother to the screen. And created such other standout pictures as A Man to Remember and My Favorite Wife. And in between times, he directed on Broadway and in the Metropolitan Opera. And he wrote the fabulously successful Born Yesterday. With this, may we present Mr. Garson Canan. Thank you very much, Lucille and Bob. You know, it seems that the director is usually denied even the prerogatives of a child. Not only should he never be seen by the audience, but he should never be heard either. And maybe this is a good idea. Because can you imagine anything more disillusioning than a director who follows a fine performance by saying, we hope you liked it, and if you did, these are the tricks we used. In the first place, this would be a calamity. And in the second, this is radio. And the only tricks employed were your own fine talents. So, what can a director say except, thank you both and good night. Bachelor Mother was presented to the courtesy of RKO Radio Pictures, distributors of the Howard Hughes Production, Ben Deppin, starring Faith DeMurgh and introducing George Dolan. Lucille Ball can currently be seen in the Columbia picture, Fuller Brush Girl. Robert Cummings can soon be seen in the Columbia picture, The Barefoot Nailman. This is Jimmy Wallingson speaking next Thursday when we present for the first time on the air Selma Jordan, starring Barbara Stanwyck and Wendell Corey with screen director Robert Siodnik. Began's Camp Show, Sunday on NBC.