 You got two people drunk on anger, you know, and it just happens man And so when I was a young therapist I gave a kid my old punching bag and now I'm like, oh my god I helped him practice anger because what's he thinking about? He's not thinking about oh love. He's thinking next time this happens I'm gonna knock this son of up What's up everybody and welcome to the show today we drop great content each and every week And we want to make sure that you guys get notified and in order to do that You're gonna have to smash that subscribe button and hit that notification bell And if you've gotten a lot of value out of this make sure you give us a like and share our videos with your friends we can easily feel angry or meet anger in other people and It's something we feel very familiar about so we think we know what anger is but we really can Get more wisdom by understanding the setting that creates anger. I Mean that it's always when we are reaching for a goal and there's something blocking us and When we feel this this block we start experiencing anger We can see it in Babies for example when they are very small if they are trying to reach for a toy and you block them by the hips and They will start expressing anger You can try it if you have a baby at home, it's it's really quite easy to do Yeah, you could take them off pretty quickly getting away. Yeah Yes And I guess it's in individuals, but it's also in Institutions or in even in states governments can express anger a few days ago friends were supposed to sell submarines to Australia and Another country got in the way and got the deal and there was this anger that was expressed by the French Government and there was a diplomatic tensions So really it's always the same frame There there was this goal the French government wanted to reach this deal and something got in the way and the anger was expressed and I think it's important to understand this because When we see that we can see that behind these goals There are also motivations and even values that are beyond behind that and Many people very often we don't see clearly what our goals are we we have Motivations, but we are taken by the situation and Often people say oh, I don't really know who I am But really what they can say what they could say what they mean is that they They don't know what their values are and they don't want They don't know exactly what they want So I think if we use anger to clear our goals We can get a deeper understanding of ourselves and the situations we meet if I take another example if one of my values is a playfulness and I'm throwing a ball in a basket and my dog comes in and steals the ball Maybe I will get angry at first because I will think that the dog is Blocking me from playing But if I know that my bigger value is Playfulness I can see that the dog can be a part of it and start including the dog and Play with the dog and and that will be a different perspective on the situation and it will bring flexibility and this flexibility is a source of Intelligence because it allows us to have more adaptation to the situation so by Using anger and have clearer vision of the situation of our goals or values or motivations we can have more flexibility when we meet difficult situation in ourselves and also in others and Is there a difference between? Anger towards the dog or Johnny versus anger towards yourself Because I know I've had those moments where I get angry and frustrated with my own behaviors and actions and Does that map the same when it's internal as external? Exactly it exactly maps the same because very often we get angry at ourselves because we don't meet our goals If for example, I tell myself Oh, I want to do that today And maybe I make a to-do list and I have five things if I do four I may get angry because something got in the way but if I don't allow myself to express this anger I will turn it to on myself and very often it's the beginning of an inner talk that is angry and that is Difficult because we can yell at ourselves on the inside Sometimes people tell you the inner talk they have but they don't tell you the tone of the voice that they have sometimes it can be very angry and very Hard to hear on the inside So it can be a source of distress or inner critic that can block The energy the the motivation to keep going toward goals I think for a lot of people they get a bit confused and for a lot of the examples that you had given I see a lot of frustration in that before I see anger so where is the point where frustration turns into anger and And what are the signs that we should be looking for to know well? I'm in frustration if I don't handle this I'm going to be in anger and if I am in the anger okay now How should I channel this we drop great content each and every week? And we want to make sure that you guys get notified and in order to do that You're gonna have to smash that subscribe button and hit that notification bell And if you've gotten a lot of value out of this make sure you give us a like and share our videos with your friends the difference between frustration and anger and What we can do and this will help us start to introduce self-compassion To keep us from getting to that state of anger, which I think many of us would love to avoid Certainly acceptable to get frustrated with the dog stealing the ball from us But getting angry at the dog probably not helpful for our mental health That's such a great point because if you can notice when you're frustrated Bringing that mindful awareness mean mindfulness. This means noticing And you're sort of stepping back from your thing like you notice and I'm getting frustrated And noticing that as soon as that at that moment, you're gonna feel some physiologic You're gonna thick feel like oh that dog and so you're gonna notice what shows up and If you don't catch it early, it's like that old saying nip it in the bud catch it early because if you Stay with that too long Before you know it you'll get diarrhea the mouth like I tell the teens watch it because all of a sudden You'll flip your lid and you'll say some things You know that later once you calm back down that you'll really regret Because it doesn't matter if it's your grandmother, you know, like some of these teens will be arguing with their parent and Be really frustrated and then they'll be stewing in their mind I can't believe mom took my car keys away and then unbeknownst to them grandma You know it's over and it's about to knock on the door and say hey, honey. It's time for dinner and you throw a spear F you your piece of and then all of a sudden the grandma goes oh, oh grandson and Before you know it you just lost it and Your IQ goes down about I think it's about anywhere from 30 to 50 IQ points Because when you're angry and fighting for your life, you're not supposed to do long division You're not supposed to be articulate and you really just are playing with this thing This part this is how big the make the left the part of your brain behind your ears The emotional part of our brain is a very powerful, but not wise And all of us here. I'm looking at you guys and all of us listening Have all run the red light and jumped from frustration into anger and then acted out on it and we've hurt people every one of us and it's really not our fault, but what we want to talk about in this podcast is how it can become our Responsibility and how as we look into anger inquired. There's some needs that many times aren't being met But it's our responsibility with compassion kindness and understanding To learn how we can do things differently and if we have hurt people to have the courage to turn back in what John Gottman and John Gottman's lovely man from a University of Washington. They want a top marriage and family specialist repair And come back. I'm so sorry. I was and The more repair attempts made the healthier relationships are because that's part of our common humanity We're all gonna do it whether we like it or not I may add that a common point between frustration and anger is the physiological arousal and I think it's important to keep this in mind because it can be both Strengthening Some people can get addicted to This arousal the strength of anger and look for it Where some people may be afraid of it afraid to feel this this energy growing and and run away from it which can also lead to Not managing it well not using the energy because we are keeping pressure in this arousal and it blows up and Even shame can be associated to anger if we are ashamed to have this Emotional experience we can try to hide it. We can not think about it and it makes it harder to take responsibility as Chris was saying and I think that that's really all this may create suffering and This suffering is important to because that can help us to relate differently with you anger Let's dig into this arousal idea because this is this is the defining point of Between frustration and anger and obviously I guess for some it from what we've seen in people's kings I guess there can be a sexual arousal there, but I think for most people what is that arousal going to be if it's going to be a heightened sense of Or because I don't think it would be a heightened sense of awareness because they're switching in the anger Maybe a heightened sense of what fight or flight. I guess anger is mostly related to to fight It's it's oriented toward toward fight really It can be associated to fear and then we run away from it But and when we think about anger in popular culture and maybe some of these are myths and misconceptions that we could really talk about You know, we're giving advice on let it out, right? Just scream at the top of your lungs punch the pillow get it out of your system You hear that time and time again, and I was sharing this earlier. That's not how I process anger I tend to turn inward and withdraw even more which certainly angers my partner in me What is the healthy way to process that anger if we've gone beyond frustration our arousal is through the roof And we're in that angry state What's the healthiest way for us to overcome that to work through it actually? Research have shown that it's more efficient to get involved in pleasurable activities than to Express the anger like you were saying so Like do the things you want to do you like to do the things that brings joy and it can release the energy and Really, for example Yesterday, I was a little bit angry and I went swimming and I I swam very fast and I had a lot of energy And we can take it in something Good for us and AJ if you think about it like that common Myth that you need to express anger you need the it comes from it's you know from Ford in the technology at the time Was hydraulics and he said there's a hydraulic It needs to be released and what we know now as soon as you like act on anger as soon as you and if you get Disregulated man, you know watch out. So if you're able to catch it, you know early You know and it's like if you're drunk on anger You better not drive or go down, you know a steel spiral staircase because you're a trouble buddy And so just knowing that you're hijacked Because you know how it is when you're an argument as soon as you defend yourself You got two people drunk on anger, you know, and it just happens man And so when I was a young therapist, I gave a kid my old punching bag and now I'm like, oh my god I helped him practice anger because what's he thinking about he's not thinking about oh love He's thinking next time this happens. I'm gonna knock this son of a out And but it's so embedded and so it's noticing when you're getting as good Yes, you can Exercise and that that but sometimes it makes you feel really powerful And so I call it when you get really drunk on anger It's uh, it's like you feel powerful and also it makes you feel right