 Well, hello, everybody. Welcome to our final green club of the 2022 season. Green club season one I can never like maybe in 2023. I'm going to figure out how to not obstruct my own screen with zoom. Okay, cool. Great. All right, so to cap off our brain club 22 greatest hits will be revisiting one of our favorite things to talk about access needs. And by the way, because I think there's at least one person I haven't met yet. Hi, I'm Mel Hauser I use she they pronounce my executive director here at all brains long. So, if this is your first brain club or even if it's not, we always begin with our introductions and community agreement. So all forms of participation are okay, meaning you can have your video on or off and even if it's on we don't expect anything of you you can move stem eat fidget have anyone or anything climbing all over you and you can communicate however you'd like to as far as whether you're unmuting type in the chat box, anything above. And because safety is really important to us here in addition to affirming all aspects of identity, it's really important that we create a safe space and that end. A few weeks ago our community advisory board created a new community agreement. This is a community education program this is not a medical or therapeutic support group so this is general education about neurodiversity related topics. And we do not have capacity to provide medical advisor therapy so individual traumatic experience are best processed with a trained therapist, not at brain club. We create space and time and environment for people of all ages to participate. We just ask that you use discretion in terms of the language that you're using communicating here at brain club. Okay, last bit of access needs to turn on closed captioning, it is already enabled all you got to do is toggle it on if you'd like to use it, depending on your version of zoom, either the live transcript closed captioning button, or if you don't see that you can use more dot dot dot, and choose subtitles or high subtitles if you'd like to. All right, let a couple of announcements before we get started. This Saturday is our virtual New Year's Eve party Saturday 5 to 730 Eastern. We have a variety of activities for all ages, including a special edition brain club on learning the brain rules of New Year's becoming your authentic self. Amanda Deekman will be returning and will be presenting on that topic we pre recorded it so I can already tell you it's, it's, it's a, it's a pretty awesome conversation that I look forward to sharing with you. And then after that we've got some zoom breakout rooms with a variety of activities and then finally a concert and musical performance by the Misty Bay ramblers. They're a trio that will be playing rock and roll all rock folk covers in addition to originals so I hope you can can join us Oh thanks Sarah thanks for posting the registration link. It is, it is free we'd love everyone to attend. It is also the last day of our reimagining what's possible campaign. And so look how close we are. That's amazing. So we've got four and four days and change so and if you're not already on the all brains belong newsletter. So look forward for posting that if you're, it will have a newsletter going out on Thursday with with with an update on community impact and the campaign and if anyone is able to forward that on to the people in your lives, who might consider supporting the work of trying to make life better for the neurodivergent community we would so appreciate it, because all of our community programs brain club and otherwise are all offered at no cost to participants and we'd love to be able to continue to do that. Lastly, speaking of community programs, one of our volunteers was two of our volunteers worked really hard at at putting together this directory that's now available on the brain club site all brains belong dot org forward slash green dash club. This is a clickable directory with hyperlinks to all of the brain clubs for 12 months. So yeah so this way you don't have to go through and like pick out the topics and register and get all these emails. Thanks to great cost in and Lizzie perette for putting all of this together. So, with that, I'm going to stop sharing and there we go, and we will begin with our topic. We're communicating our access needs. And, Jen, if you can share screen and start the video. That would be awesome. Sit tight, based on feedback that some of the streaming lag. Oh there we go perfect so. So work of media, in addition to producing all of our brain club recordings has made a huge hopefully for those of you who participated in brain club last week. It seemed like really much improved. When you when you take some technological challenge off my hands it's always done better by anything work of media does a million times gazillion times better than I could ever pull off so thank you Jen. If you could hit play and it won't be good to go. So for for a few months now, we have been talking about how, unfortunately, despite there being no default brain. There are a lot of defaults in our society right like defaults of like oh this is how healthcare is delivered this is what it means to like be an adult this is what it means to be a worker this is what it means to be a student anyway. And that's not true, because in fact we all have different brains that do things differently. And what we don't want is we don't want to be in a situation where we are hammering to try to get that square peg to fit into the round hole and like, what happens you destroy the peg, and that is what happens to so many people. So how this connects to access needs are that we all have access needs access needs are anything that is required to meaningfully participate in one's environment or community. And as I said, we all have them. This might be physical access needs emotional communication, you know, like, so all different types of access needs. So, often, we get the message that if we have needs, we are in some way needy, and explicitly or implicitly, sometimes, often people get the message that we shouldn't have needs that it's selfish to have me like that's not a thing. That's a myth. And that is really hard, because when we think about full participation in our world and our lives, the social model disability is about the barriers in the environment between the person and full participation. It's not about there being something wrong with the individual. It's about those barriers being placed. And so we want to have as few barriers to full participation as possible. And when we think about how this how this plays out in interpersonal relationships, I'm going to play a little, I'm going to throw in a little excerpt from a brain club we did in January called everyone flips their leg where, you know, there's things that that make a stress that are going to differ person to person, and like context specific, like, if there's something in the physical environment, like allowed sound, if I'm like well hydrated and well rested, I might not be as stressed as if I'm, you know, haven't done those things, or have like a huge cognitive load or whatever, like with this business of the zoom and the link and the whatever and all the switching between things. If if a motorcycle drives by my house right now I'm going to flip my lid, whereas like I might have been okay a couple hours ago. So, when we get triggered, when and borrowing from a model from Dr. Dan Segal Dr. King of Brayson from the whole brain child options brain and dancers brain when downstairs brain gets triggered. We don't get to pick what triggers us. And sometimes we forget that they're that we have interpersonal access needs it's not just about sensory processing or like how we learn it. It's about access needs in a relationship what does it mean for downstairs brain to feel safe. So, when we think about, since we all have access needs, often those access needs conflict with other people, and I might play this clip, I might just come back to it well maybe depends on if I can just on share and reshare. Very God got to share the sound and it's not going to work. Please. Oh, we can invite all 12 of your brothers to stay with us. No, no, no. Of course we have the room. Wait, slow down. No one's brothers are staying here. No one is getting married. Wait, what? May I talk to you please? Alone? No. Whatever you have to say, you can say to both of us. Fine. You can't marry a man you just met. You can if it's true love. I don't know what do you know about true love? More than you, all you know is how to shut people out. You asked for my blessing, but my answer is no. Now, excuse me. Your Majesty, if I may ease your... No, you may not and I think you should go. The party is over. Close the gates. Yes, Your Majesty. Nelson, no, no. Wait, give me my glove. Nelson, please, please. I can't live like this anymore. Then leave. I'll never do to you. Enough, Anna. No, why? Why do you shut me out? Why do you shut the world out? What are you so afraid of? I said enough. So, here we have a relationship with two people with access needs. One is looking to assert them by taking space. One has foot on the gas with an access need to communicate right here now. Boom. That didn't work out so well. I'm curious. Anybody else ever experienced conflicting access needs in an interpersonal interaction? Relationships are hard. Hi, Matthew. Are you raising your hand to say, yes, I have conflicting access needs in interpersonal interactions or did you want to say something? Yes, no, no. Yes. Yes. Double yes. Yes. Yes, conflicting access needs, but also trying to interpret those needs in a way where the other party makes sense can understand you too as well. It's just it goes both ways. And to understand that together is one way to actually, you know, where the ideas and thoughts of, you know, addressing those access needs. Thank you. Thank you. Totally. And especially when we have not. We're not in it a culture. Where it is. Common for people to actually voice their access needs. Access needs are not. Implied. Because in fact, people are not mind readers. Recently I was talking with some folks. About friendships and how hard it is. To make friends. And that they're constantly worried about the way their friends are going to respond to them and like worried that they're not going to be able to. That they're going to be judged. And that it's like, it's pretty stressful. So I'm wondering, I'm wondering how that, how that resonates with, with others. About worrying. About, about the judgment in social interactions. For me in the family, the way that I returned to regulation. The way that I. And bring my nervous system back into. Reading other people's attunement, reading other people's nervous system, instead of being overwhelmed by my own. Whatever it is. Going on the way that the best way for me to do that is to get down on the ground. Again, this is me and this is experiments of years of knowing how to attune for me. It's, it's, it's squatting down close. It's putting both my hands on the ground for a second, the floor. So I'm, I squat and I'm low. There's something about the proprioceptive work. Like I think because my glutes kick in so much, I'm like, oh, here's my body. And because I'm getting deflection, I'm like, oh, here I am. This is my contained little nervous system. Putting my hands on the ground feels strong. I feel like, yep, I am strong. I am a strong person. I can do this. So I'm building from the sensory system back into regulation. And I've practiced it enough over the years that I can do it fairly quickly in my nervous system. Those cues kick in safety for my, for my neuroception. And it's subconscious. It's, it is something our brains are always doing all the time, scanning the environment, scanning the interrelationships, scanning the internal relationship, the internal environment for safety. And we are geared for it. So once we feel it, once we find it, it's, it's what our system wants to go to. That homeostasis is where we want to be a cellular Lee. Right. So for my nervous system, it's that it's getting low. It's getting grounded. It's softening my face. Like actively saying, let your eyes soften. Let your eyes soften. Don't create some expected emotion. So that like that shame fear response might, might create this expected like, Oh, I'm okay. Right. Like everything's fine. Can you tell this isn't really a smile? Like, but it's what we do because it's what we've been socialized to do. So actively neutralizing softening my face. And then like something about the environment for me usually helps find the horizon, look at a tree root, some sort of queue to me that's like, there's no saber tooth tiger here. There's no gaping hole that's going to suck you into the hot molten lava of the middle of the earth. And then like, this is solid ground. So you're describing that you begin with a bottom up strategy. You get into your body and you ground yourself, whatever that means to you, you ground yourself. And then you have access to your cortex where you are cordically mediating your limbic response. Now you have access to your cortex because you did that initial bottom up. Yeah, softening to take the edge off to like bring your cortex back online and then you go to that. I think a lot of people. Skip right to that or they try to skip right to that and they don't have access to their cortex and they, you can't skip it. You have to do something to access your cortex. And there's an element of, like when you're in the thick of it, even if you're like already screaming and like actively flipping your lid, you, you don't have access to the impulse control to stop. You don't, you may not even be able to like metacognitive, metacognitively like zoom out and watch yourself. You just don't have access to that. So it's really just like it's happening. You can't get to the ground if that's how you ground on like something in your body. Yep. Yeah. Yeah. And it's, it's, it's experimental for a while. It's trial and error to figure out what your physical somatic sensory system responds to. And then once that is kind of, once that's a cue of safety for your physical sensory being, it grows, it gets stronger. And sometimes maybe it needs tweaking, like, you know, when my knees can't squat anymore and hopefully not for another 20 years, I'll have to figure something else out. Great, great. The other thing is that if, if someone knows that they are, if they know that they're not going to be able to go to self reg plan is a top down trying to use their cortex. One thing that I found helpful is to prepare ahead of time. What I'm wanting my cortex to do. Yep. Because if I can. Like ID and motor planet ahead of time, I can access it as like automatic, like automatic loop I can pull in as opposed to trying to use it in the, in the moment, because then it becomes not an a stop, you know, impulse control stop. It's like, don't like, like puts on the gas already. Don't try to step on the break of stop screaming your kid. It's, I'm going to go to my automatic loop. And so for me, that is like the, like I said before, the sort of mantra of like the relationship, the relationship, the relationship is primary. Like whatever that like, like, like a thought I can try, even if I don't have full access to my cortex that I can, I can try that. I mean, it doesn't work maybe, but like it might work a lot better than like, I'm going to talk myself out of how this is not, this is okay. Right. Well, I mean, and this is also gets to some of the course of like there's a number of amounts of different brains. You think when we've talked about this, you think in specific word patterns. Always your directions are in go left at and to stop lights then to your brain does everything in. That language space. And I do not. I do pictures and I know which rock. It's at the driveway that I want to drive into. Not where it is on the street in words, ways. So I think that's also just a self awareness piece of what works for your brain and language works for yours. I feel so seen right now. The language doesn't work great in my brain. And so to start to do like an internal talk in the midst of feeling really dysregulated is just like, oh, that's really, that would be too much work. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And so it begins with self awareness of like what, what actually calms you and maybe even developing an awareness of like your go to patterns of how you negotiate life, even when you're like generally regulated enough. Yeah. Yeah. No, absolutely. Which then I mean gives you that base of being able to have the space for your family to feel safe and heard and seen. Because I mean, the, the goal is. Acceptance and connection for all of us. And that requires me also having that grace and acceptance of like, yeah, I understand myself sometimes. So Luna and I have been discussing power lately. Because she's five. And she what's modeled for her like in video games or cartoons is like power over people and like power over people feels gross to me as a PDA or like I don't want people. I don't want power over me and I don't want to have power over people because it's gross. So like we watch a lot of my little pony where like the messages are that the people seeking power over they never prosper. It's the power of friendship, the power connection, the power of co-regulation, which is like, you know, like, like a reciprocal power. Like it's just anyway. So like we've been talking about like just like the different kinds of power and we're going to get power because I feel like the like transformation from like, you know, like the traumatic transformation toward narcissism. Because like, I mean, you can start off as, you know, like, you know, you're like a little kid and everyone has power over you and you like seek out to have power over. Like you don't have power. You seek your power. You want to claim your power. And like, if you only know about power over, you go down that train, right? And like, if you don't have connection, like, ah, anyway, like, what do you think about this as a concept? Yeah, I think it really aligns to with the role of punishment in relationships and how power over that the main leverage that you get, if you have power over somebody is both controlling them and punishing them. And I think that like, manipulating their behavior towards your good. And if they aren't aligned with that, then they deserve to be hurt for their transgression. And, you know, that's our world. Like we let literally live in systems built on that. And for our kids, they're, they're trying to make sense of what happens when something is transgressed. Like what do we, what do we do when a line is broken or like within the trust, like trust gets broken or connection gets severed and we make mistakes basically. And so in a power over relationship, what happens around mistakes, small mistakes are punished and in a power with or a power like in a co-regulation relationship where any power doesn't even. The power is in the connection. Right. Totally. And because I feel like I'm like, I'm even hearing language from my five year old, like, like a thing that comes out a lot when like I make a mistake. And then she'll say something like, you know, so like she might like, you know, and she'll be like, that's what you get for acts. And I'm like, where, where did you get? I like, like, I mean, there's like a lot of things she says that I'm like, damn it, that came from me. But like, I don't say that that one doesn't come out. Maybe I think it or like maybe I don't know. I don't even know, like, is it TV? I don't know, I don't know. I don't have the idea. I have no idea what like my husband or like I have no idea. Like if somebody actually says that, but like, I think that it's just the narrative constructed from observations of the world. That's what you get for acts. As opposed to, like, you know, like, we have a P.S. occupational therapist on our board, who I like would love for you to meet. Hannah Bloom, who she talks a lot about the, the cycle of repair. And like, you know, so like, you know, we're all going to transgress, we're all going to make mistakes, but like it's the repair that closes that loop. And you know, like, most of us grew up in a world where there was no repair, you know, just like, you know, punish, punish, punish, you know, flip your lid, which is, you know, normal to flip your lid, but like, you know, no repair. Yeah, absolutely. And the repair with yourself is what I see, especially for my kids that they're externalizing, like, that's what you get for is what they say to themselves too. Like, when they make a mistake, then they're saying, well, of course, your grown up is going to ignore you or yell at you because that's what you get. You, you messed up. And this sense that they deserve punishment is really hard to repair because our world is reinforcing that. And so it's kind of like, that's the cosmic repair work is repairing that relationship with yourself where you have the capacity to say, I'm a person who makes mistakes, and I'm also a person who knows how to make things right. That's our family languages. We all make mistakes, but we know how to make it right. And that helps us to keep coming back to repair rather than choosing what's kind of an easier path, like punishment and isolation is, it's the dominant narrative to step outside that is what's hard. Because like, I think a lot of people who have grown up in a paradigm of like, you do the thing when the people with power over tell you to do the thing. And like, when, when like zoomed out to be like, do you see how that setting people up for like bad dangerous things and they're like, Oh, Oh, no, I never thought about that. Now I thought about that. I'm like, You know, if you're designing a playground, not everybody, you know, needs to go follow the same path, right to get to the top of the hill, but everybody has to have a path to get to the top of the hill when you're when you're designing those things and that that kind of visual because it's such a good visual in my mind for me, at least, and it was really helpful and thinking about everything, you know, you that principle of universal accessibility if I design this meeting workplace playground, so that everybody can access it in some way they don't have to be able to do every year you don't not have a ladder to get to the thing because, you know, some people can't use letters. You know, you just be able to design so everybody had access and and and equitable access right and kind of removing the barriers, the visuals we all use. And as part of that I think neurodiversity was a real big feature to that thinking about how somebody, whether they be, you know, autistic or Asperger's or, or just have sense of light sensitivities or hearing sensitivities or crowd sensitivities, how you can create spaces and places and programs and meetings that allow for that variety. Or how you create a workplace that accommodates the variety and a United Way we really we've tried to to think about what we're doing externally but also thinking about the people who do the work here and supporting them in that journey. Oh, that's so beautiful. And I think that, you know, sometimes people when they have that visual of physical access, you know, as it relates to mobility related disability, visible disabilities. That maybe is, for some people, how they can begin to think about this lens, and then they can maybe take the next step to say, Well, invisible disabilities, it's just as important to think about how everyone has to get to the top of the hill and to have multiple paths to be able to do that. So, you know, it's, it's interesting because a lot of people who struggle in their workplaces, they don't know that they have an invisible disability. So, they don't have language to talk about it, because they don't know that's what's the barrier between them and the top of the hill. They may just know that they're struggling. And I think that when an organization is large enough to have like a human resources division. If the top down lens isn't, you know, oh, this person has this disability, and they need accommodations, like, if the kind of the flag is not checked, it may not come into the conversation. It might be, you know, some organizations talk about, you know, we have disciplinary problems we have difficult employees or like when I was when I was chief resident or my training, we had, you know, difficult learners, like, but really, this was neurodivergence with barriers to access. And this is how this played out so it's like a total lens shift. And we think about some explanations for why people are struggling, why people are dysregulated, why people are, you know, the conflicting access needs, they are about access needs. And I think it really relates now what I've, from my experience as leader to what I've seen is that it's, it's directly relevant to our convert the way we treat physical health care mental health care. Right, so if you think about physical health care where you, we have access to that, right, we look health insurance. It's not affordable, but it's, but there's there's it's accepted. And it's also not seen as a choice thing, right if you get those type of physical ailments. It's not seen as you chose to X, Y and Z, right and it what we're struggling with as a community around mental health and we don't, we don't give that the same time, right so you, you take a sick day, because you're physically sick, or you take a sick day because you broke your leg. Everybody's like, right on good for you. Yeah, rest up heal up. If you are brave enough to say, I need a mental health day. Right, I need my brain needs a break. And that could be whether you have a disability or not. We don't accept that like it's, you know, toughen up right that's that's the American like ideal right is that you brain wise we push through. And because we start with that. So if you start there. And for everybody with privilege and able bodied and, and then you try and add in a disability to that. Well now you're not only going up against accessibility issues, you're going up against cultural norms that are just incredibly difficult to overcome and the disruption to the work environment and the way in which we expect people to show up nine to five Monday through Friday has changed fundamentally. The organizations that have not necessarily adopted that can and have not adopted the flexibility are the ones in many cases, everybody's struggling for workforce but you're compounding that issue by, you know, by not accepting and talking about that but you know you you name the thing which is that in 2022 so many organizations are struggling to fill their open positions and they're struggling to retain their existing workforce and you know I see that and I'm like yeah it's because you're not talking about neurodiversity and access you could do like but, but, but just thoughts about how that's connected from a CEO perspective. Sure, I think that the, you know workforce challenges, some, many of them are rooted in, we still have old structures in terms of our work expectations as a, as a society, right. And it's a not that every other other countries have this perfect and right and many are way worse than we are in terms of accommodating. And it's some of that is cultural and you know examining if we have the space and time capacity to examine what are the systemic barriers that are keeping people from being part of the workforce because we all need to work. I mean not the kids they go to school and you got to. But we all you know we do it's part of society. It's not just a means to an end for myself it's not just how I pay my rent or mortgage or I feed my family. So everybody does that's that's kind of where the whole thing's based on that. And we don't all have the privilege of getting a tremendous amount of value from what we do like you and I do right of like you know we there are, you know we need people to do the X thing. We need for that and it's not always altruistic or rewarding in the same way. But if we think about how do we make it so that people want to work in our environments, whether it's making a thing, right, or it's community building, or it's health care, you know. And when I say health care I mean all of health care mental health care physical health care. And we you know you could probably think about how we're addressing a lot of things and there are so many barriers that keep people in the way of the employee. It's one of the things working bridges works a lot on with the social determinants they get in the way. So you've got childcare housing, you know, transportation, food insecurity, all of these things and wages of course stacked on top of that you then start getting into the issues of, well, what's the barrier in terms of my work environment. And what is expected of me in terms of how I'm showing up to do X thing that you've hired me to do. And so I think it plays a huge role in, you know, those those intersectionality of all of those things are oftentimes what keep people from from being part of the workforce. So much of what you've said is about the way you see the world. And that's what sets the tone of leadership is that you actually believe that we all do things differently and that you can shift the environment around so the people who work for you thrive if you don't have that lens. Nothing you're going to do is going to feel real to your people. But if you start with, we are all human. And, you know, it's my colleagues talk a lot about human centered design in terms of meetings and spaces and doing those things. You get a lot farther. I think you can have a lot, a lot more space and, you know, maybe culturally one of the big things that we miss and we lack in today's day and age is the ability to have a conversation with each other and be a little bit vulnerable on both ends of, I don't know what I don't know. All right, perfect. I actually, I want to respond to a comment Sarah just throughout the chat around cultural norms. I mean that isn't that essentially what we've been talking about all year with brain rules and essentially redefining culture. I mean what is, what is culture, if not the attitudes and practices of a group of people, and we're a group of people. So I think it's got to start somewhere. I'm just reading Matt's comment in the chat. The idea of cultural norms as the barrier so pervasive. This is the way we've always done things. Yeah, right. The real problem is the lack of awareness around the fact that the idea of quote this is the way we've always done it is actually the problem, and not the individual seeking equity. Yeah, I see, I see, I see, I see this is resonating with a lot of folks here. Yeah, exactly. And, you know, I can say, you know, personally my own, my own journey in unlearning these principles is very much supported by, by, by this community. Like, it starts with an idea, and you connect about the idea with another person and then it's more people and it's, I think that's what you know it's like Kelly shared about holiday weekend when Kelly when you were able to discern between like I'm home and my access needs are met versus now I'm in a situation where I'm overstimulated like maybe, maybe six months ago you wouldn't have been able to do that. Before you spend time around people and environments where you actually feel like it works at the culture, including attitudes practices vibe energy cultural norms is working for you and meeting your needs. That is what allows you to discern when your needs are not being met. I wonder what people think about that concept. I think that's so true and I think it just takes so much practice, you know, to kind of get to know and notice those signs in yourself about like when something feels good or doesn't feel good. And the more that you practice it, I find that I'm getting better at noticing that and, you know, being able to tweak things accordingly. Kelly. Hello. I just completely forgot what the heck I was going to say because I was so focused on remembering to lower my hand. One of the things that I wanted to say about this is for me it wasn't so much of like recognizing like whoa, this situation is not working. It was the inability to ignore the cultural expectations, the expectations put on me by whatever background or the setting that I'm in, you know, if you're at work, you can't flip your lid at work because you're at work and you have responsibilities and you can't flip your hit hit me a lid at home when you're a mom because, oh my gosh, the kids are just going to think that you're out of control and then they're not going to listen and absolute brain rules. And so now I'm more able to not only like notice the discomfort in myself, but speak up for it. And that's the part that I think is is the hardest for me because you know somebody mentioned, you know, not wanting to be perceived as high maintenance or needy, and that is exactly how I feel like, like, oh my gosh, I don't want people to think that you know, everybody's going to speak at a volume to like, it's not all the time it's just walking into a house of people at a volume 12 is a lot. You know, and I wasn't able to say it then but you know, my husband read like okay she hasn't taken off her coat she is sitting on the floor like it's time it's time to go home, you know, and I'm grateful for that and I think that's my tricky part is now being able to give myself the permission to speak up for myself, the way that I speak up for my child when I noticed that he's dysregulated like nothing will stop me for speaking up for him, but everything stops me for speaking up for myself. Alright, and I think it's just practice. I mean, I had a conversation with someone earlier today like isn't this like the ultimate experiment, like experimenting with shifting cultural norms, and if it feels safe to advocate for someone else. Then you then you do that and you practice that and that's how you practice that skill, and then in environments where it feels safe to advocate for one of your own needs. And in a way that you know isn't directly challenging someone else's brain rules, maybe, maybe that's what you try on first, and then I think it just grows. Oh, no worries. No, and speaking of practice, you know, with with almost every client I work with and I never really read this in a book in graduate school or anything else it's sort of something that I've just developed on the fly as I've worked with people. Most people are work comes down to one thing and and that is answering the question, what is my relationship to my experience. And, and when you can get in there and mess around and really pull apart, you know, what is others. What is you, what is your reaction to others what is others reaction to you. What, you know, how it's not what we go through very often it's how we go through what we go through. So, and it's, and at first I think people are are taking a back, but really what I've found is it is it is absolutely the root to empowerment. Because we are all we can control and we can't control all of us all the time, all of ourselves all the time. But what we can do, you know, we should focus on doing and that way we find our strength. And, and, and the ability to inhabit and engage in our experience. That was so beautifully said. So much more elegantly than I could have on. And I think you're, you're exactly right. And I think it's about. Like, like, there's, there's part of the brain rules are what is it that I need to feel good. And, and, and, and being curious about that, too. Because it may not be what you thought, maybe it's that what you were, what many people are seeking is around around what you just said is having having a shift in one's relationship to their own experience. But it's more authentic. Yeah, because very often in childhood, what we learn when we don't have the perspective and the experience. And in childhood, and helps get us through things that we struggle with and the child's brain is a is a brilliant tool in doing that, but very often those adaptations become maladaptive and adulthood, and need to be revisited and and reworked. And so, yeah, what what works for us in in childhood can sometimes become kind of those urges that we experience in adulthood and another thing I talked to clients about is a lot of times when you're feeling an urge to do something. Yep, think about something else. Yeah. And I think this this leads really well into the topic of our, our New Year's Eve brain club. And since since I already know how the, since we pre recorded the first half of it. This topic comes up, which is, it's, you know, all of the brain rules around like reinventing oneself every new year of like, I'm going to be the best version of myself a better version of myself like how about I'm actually going to be an authentic version of myself. Or, or I'm, I'm, I'm, you know, thinking about Kelly's example of self advocacy. Maybe it's not about I need to grow this new skill but maybe I connect with an interdependent group of people that to help address access needs like maybe even the brain rules of self advocacy. Maybe there are other ways of, of, of, of achieving access where actually the last time Amanda Deacon presented at brain club we talked about, is it possible to meet your access needs without imposing new demands on other people. I'm like, what do you mean. And so anyway, just this there's, I think there's so many different things to try on and see what fits. I don't think there's one right way. But inter interdependence is so key. It's, it's, it's a natural part of being human and something that's so demonized on Christmas Eve, my tooth hurt. My dentist is in Williston, and I emailed him, and he, and he was out of second thought he I drove up there, he left his house and his family, he turned on all the lights and the machines and we figured out what was wrong with my tooth. And like, and I texted him afterward and I talked to him about the value of that in my life because I don't know where I'd be today in terms of my pain level or my ability to tolerate, if he hadn't just done that and he said well that's what I'm here for. I'm sorry you had to go through all of that. And I think that's a beautiful story of of of it being okay to be connected to other humans. And to ask for help. Right. Right. So, and I forget who said it in the chat earlier about this, like, it's the messages of childhood that interfere so much I mean that's where a lot of brain rules come from right is like, you're told you know like, be independent you think there's all about fire bootstraps or like, you know, like all the things all the things that are so unhelpful and like harmful. And, and I, I think this is yet another one of those examples. But we, we unlearn, we all learn together so much more valuable in my life in the past 10 years than what I've learned and I've learned a lot of valuable things is is the things that I've unlearned. Totally. Thank you everyone thank you all so much for being here and what I'm going to do is I'm going to post the New Year's thing one more time to support anyone's executive functioning who would benefit to registration link for virtual New Year's. And in a couple days we'll send out the actual schedule with zoom links and all that stuff but we, we hope to see, see you there. And we'll also be sending out hold on Lizzie do you have the registration link for January brain club I wanted to post that before we wrapped up. Are you posting it or you're going to go find it. I think I have it now. Oh sweet. That's awesome. Oh, I got it. Amazing. Thank you for sending my email. All right, cool. All right, great. Oh thank you, Lizzie perfect. So that is the sign up link it's free registration for January brain club life free imagined is our theme. So it's, it's all variations and all the things we keep talking about just at a new level we continue to build on. So we look forward to seeing you next week. Happy New Year everybody.