 So today's video is going to be a personal one because we're going to talk about the five signs. He's head over heels in love with you because I'm in La La Land. I have met someone absolutely amazing and it feels different than I've ever experienced before. And I'm going to lean into some of the things I'm feeling and also kind of give you some backstory of where some men operate in the current dating, mating or relating realm. And just really quickly I want to acknowledge that she and I actually met on match.com. Really quickly it was over a year ago. It was a, I'll be candid with you. It's a long distance and many of you know I'm not a big fan of long distance. I recently talked about why some most long distance dating is problematic and what is needed for a successful healthy long distance relationship. And I'll post a video on that as well because I'm learning a lot through this experience of really getting to know someone, really getting to know someone at a heart centered level instead of the superficial level that most people are dating. Because the reality is we have a very, God I was about to say we have a very unstable dating market, emotionally unstable dating marketplace. Because there's a significant number of people who are suffering from childhood wounds and traumas and adult traumas that makes it very difficult for them to lean into a relationship. Many of you know my chart about emotional maturity and relationship skills. And it's important for this conversation to understand that probably 20% of the population has clinical mental health issues that makes it very difficult for them to actually genuinely fall in love with someone. And while I say 20% are relatively emotionally healthy, the vast majority of people are dysfunctional in the way they operate when they think they're in love can be actually from a dysfunctional place and not from a true heart centered place. So I want to first identify that a lot of times men and women operate from an unhealthy attachment that they believe is love, an unhealthy attachment they believe is love. And if you haven't read the book attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, I highly recommend this to understand the three primary love attachment styles which is anxious, avoidant and secure. And I can speak from my own personal experience. I thought that I've been in love with someone when it was actually simply an unhealthy attachment. What it means attachment just to quickly give you the cliff note version is when we're children we attach to our primary caregivers and we can attach in a very in the kind of the anxious way meaning I need your love to you know I need your love I need your love and you're not giving me love and I get so anxious about it that I fight fight fight and I become very needy. And then there's another way to attach would be avoidant meaning you're attached but it's from a distant place it's from an emotionally unavailable place. And that's where a lot of people operate believing it's love. Or we oftentimes see people that are operating from a place of lust or limerence lust or limerence lust is those those places where it's just a sexual bond with one another it could be one person lusting it could be both person lusting coming from a place of lust and they believe in the moment it's love because brain chemicals is being released from their body dopamine oxytocin testosterone such believing that you're in love this is where that concept of love at first sight operates from oftentimes. And yet it's not genuine love. But yet we believe it's love or limerence is extreme infatuation I see it with women. I certainly see this with men. I am guilty of the lust and limerence I'll be candid with you and I share this with you because I've certainly witnessed myself lusting after someone or I've certainly been in extreme infatuation. Because I made a story up in my head about a person I barely knew from this device you know how many of us are meeting total strangers these days from these devices. And believing that I really genuinely care about a person I barely know barely know this person. So it's important to understand that most people either operate I said before they operate from a clinical mental health issue a dysfunctional or a healthy because of that roughly about 20% of people use other people for their own gains. And then while there are 20% that are the growers and the builders that want to actually grow and build a relationship with you the vast majority of people are what I call is spenders. They want to have a good friendship they want connection they want the sex but don't have the ability to actually create the foundation for a healthy happy relationship for them to genuinely fall in love with you. One of the things I do in my private coaching program is to help women identify those men so if you need some help check out the link to a free discovery call with me to see if working with the coach is right for you. I teach you how to vet for emotional maturity how to vet those men who are the growers and the builders and not those that are going to be using you or wasting your time. Because here's the thing we're all going through a journey of mental health. I'm here to say we're all going through this journey some are farther along than others. Some are unconscious to it and some are actually resistant to it. You know what I think of my shirt the Grinch right you know that I'm wearing heart grow your heart three sizes right. There's a great story in the Grinch that he was wounded as a little Grinch that caused him to block himself to love to block his true heart his true nature of wanting to be a giver wanting to be a genuine lover. And it took a humbling event for him to shift. And while there are many men in that dysfunctional or spender case and by the way there's equally as by the way there are women who are just as toxic women who are just as as unhealthy so there's this narrative that the men are bad and the women are good. Throw that out the window because women can be women can be no picnic as well and I'm speaking from a guy's perspective here. But the Grinch needed the humbling event for him to actually that moment when he looked at what was her name Lucy Lou or something you know I can't remember and just shifted his perspective because he felt loved by someone. And we all deep down want to feel loved at a deep at a at a real core level. And so, folks, before I share these five things I just want to state this. Ultimately, if you want to experience juicy delicious love in your life. It starts from loving oneself it starts from being in that place of what I talk about in my book what the heck is self love anyway a journey of personal development self open spiritual work there's a link below to this book. It's so important to fill one's own love cup. Wow, you're in the process of looking for a mate who's going to genuinely love you so let's talk about these five things because they're near and dear to my heart this is what I'm experiencing right now my relationship I'm so grateful that I have. I've met someone I can tell the difference I'm going to be candid with you. I've been in the unhealthy attachment. Also, if you haven't read the book, getting the love you want by Harvelle Hendricks and Helen Hunt I highly recommend this to understand the amago. This is the unhealthy attachment how we choose people that are oftentimes like a mirror of one of our one or both of our parents. So I've experienced the amago. I've experienced lust and I've experienced limerence. Today in my life I'm experiencing something different and how I know the difference and this is really important for for you and for the guy. I feel like the difference is this feels calm feels calm. There's no anxiety there's no doubts there's no climbing the walls there's no freaking out it just feels calm. And when a man feels when they're with a person with man or woman when you're with another person and you feel good. Not from an agitated place not from that love bomber place not from that limerence place but you really really you feel really good and you feel calm. That's how when a man knows and these are some of the signs that he demonstrates so let's lean into this for a moment. There's my trusty notes bump bump bump. So number one he wants to share everything with you he wants to share everything with you his hopes his dreams his futures he's he's excited to share his life with you about who he is on the inside he doesn't fear you know opening up to himself. However, and this is really important. I want you to really be careful of those men who are actually dating because they're in that they're an dysfunctional place that they're actually using you as their therapist. So, they might want to share everything with you. Be mindful are they sharing about their problems. Are they sharing about their their relationship with their ex maybe contentious work are they doing it from a place of victim consciousness. Because this is happening today dating has turned into a form of therapy because men oftentimes don't go to therapy because we're supposed to be emotionally strong and not do that. So what's happened is dating has turned into the new form of therapy. So when a man shares everything with you I really want you to differentiate his homes his his his hope his dreams his desires his future from a very emotionally grounded place if it's coming from a place of complaining of venting. You might think that's music to your ears because he's sharing he's being vulnerable with you. Be careful of vulnerability because it might actually just be therapy. Does anyone has can anyone relate to this post a comment below please let me know by the way if this is resonating with you please hit that thumbs up please subscribe please share this with your friends. Because this is a critically important piece to understand so many of you are beautiful nurturers and in the world and so you you hear a man sharing vulnerability from a place of of of of. You're seeing it from a place of vulnerability but he's doing it as a place to just unload and guess what happens. When he feels like he's healed he's off to the next person because he wants to be a bright shiny penny to the next person. But let me just tell you about me I want to share everything this person I mean the hook line and sinker because it's coming from a place of enthusiasm excitement. And actually a genuine care to want to get to know one another. Okay number two. He cancels things to be with you or he blocks his calendar. I got to tell you something I've already blocked my calendar for our next visit you know I'm taking some days off from work I mean not days off but some time off. I'm and I haven't canceled anything per se but men will do that they'll cancel things you know maybe they might block their friends once or twice. Or they might block you on their calendar that's a great sign that he's genuinely falling head over heels for you now I want to be clear about something. Be careful of the needy guys who do this. I was in a relationship where I put the person up on a pedestal and you might have done the same thing and you cancel everything. I'm not saying they cancel everything they might just make move their schedule around is really what I'm talking about move things around to make room for you in their life. They see you as a priority in their life but from a healthy place the unhealthy places they blow off their friends I'm sure you've done that you blow off family you. You might even blow off work because you're afraid if I'm not with this person 24 seven they're going to break up with me. Whether it's a man or woman that's an unhealthy place to shift your schedule around but when the guy is excited like me I'm like yeah I want to move things around because I want to spend time with you. Number three. He checks in regularly to hear about your day. He is actually making the effort checking in. You know and sometimes I know I joke about the narrative. How's your day going? Did you have a good day? I hope you had a good day from Seinfeld Kramer. But sometimes the small talk is actually important. It's just checking in it's just letting you know it's sending you that text message saying I'm thinking of you. That's a great sign that a guy is head over heels falling for you. I want you to be aware of the guys who do it from a jealous place that do it from an insecure place. They're checking up on you because they've experienced hurt in their past. They've experienced a level of abandonment a level of betrayal. Ladies I want you to really be mindful when communicating with men. To really think like I want you to actually think like a therapist. I want you to think like a psychologist. I want you to think like a human behavioralist. Really pay attention to communication because the clues are often there. I've spoken to women who have been in relationships for several years and the relationship ended and they literally said. The clues were there right from the beginning. They went against their better judgment and one of those clues might be an unhealthy way. They check in with you to really keep tabs on you. And yet when a guy is excited like I am just I just want to check in. It's funny. She messaged me this morning. Just say good morning. Handsome you know with a couple kiss emojis and I was like oh she beat me to the punch because I wanted to do it for her. I was I wanted to she just beat me by about a minute or two ironically because I was literally planning on doing it. But it's and then later in the day I might do it just to let that my my person know I'm genuinely care about them. Because that's what this is all about. Isn't this the journey of love. Isn't it about being in a say a state of caring about another person. When a person feels this way and it's important to not be in a lopsided relationship. This is why ladies I know you desire a man who's like myself an emotional communicator. Most men don't have that capacity. This is why I highly recommend reading the book emotional intimacy by Robert Masters. So you can become look at the comprehensive guide for connecting with the power of your emotions. When you're capable of doing it just like I've learned this. And many of you ladies think you're good at this but you're really not. This is worth reading to really tap into that place of connectivity with your emotions so you can articulate it. And what happens is I'll be candid with you my my my person my girlfriend I can officially say we're boyfriend and girlfriend. She's not an emotional communicator the way I am. And what's fascinating is she's I'm leading by example and she's a sponge she men can be sponges all we all you need to do and I learned this from a woman I've everything I share I've learned from women in my life. Men can be sponges just lead by example and you'll start to notice they'll become more of emotional communicators like my girlfriend is she's like growing leaps and bounds. Partially because she maybe for the first time feels safe to be an emotional communicator and many men haven't felt safe to be that emotional communicator. So I invite you to lean into that in your relationship number four. He's thinking about all the future things to do together he's thinking about like I'm already thinking and I want to share with you. Guys that in the early stages like literally the first second or third date they plan all the future with you. I'm not talking about those first three dates where a guy practically says oh my God you're the most amazing woman in my life I can't see myself without anybody like you blah blah blah all the love bombing. And then they disappear because they're not actually doing it. In my particular case I'm thinking okay we need to plan because we're long distance you know we should plan this weekend for here and this weekend here. Let's plan this trip let's look at this we're looking at the calendar I'm sending her links to things she's sending me links to things. It's there's actual effort behind the words there's effort behind the words and not just a lot of rhetoric and that's a great sign when he's thinking about all the future things. Along with follow up to demonstrate it versus those guys that vomit it in the first second third or fourth date and then don't follow through with it. And lastly this is my favorite. When a guy is genuinely head over heels were you really feeling that for you. He talks about monogamy he talks about exclusivity and he clearly states his desire for commitment he clearly states his desire for commitment. Many of you know that I've incorporated something called the dating vows the dating vows I hope. And this is a great illustration I'm okay so let me explain where this came from because it really demonstrates how a emotionally healthy man. Shows how he cares for you. And in the dating vow I have created kind of like a wedding vow it's a vow in the early stage of dating to declare something with one another and make agreements with one another so let me just read to you. And by the way I'm going to start by saying have you ever heard the term women are the gatekeepers of sex and men are the gatekeepers of commitment. We tend to be the ones that are the holders of the strings of commitment I don't even like saying strings I'll call the rings of commitment. And so you know this isn't about waiting for you know I think it's important to have agreements before you are physically sexual with one another. So it goes like this the dating vow before sex. I agree to explore the process of getting to know you with the intent to declare something serious in the next three to six months. Okay. That's a really powerful thing to say someone I'm willing to explore the process of getting to know you with with the declaration of something serious. That's a person who genuinely cares for you when they say that number two. I agree to be monogamous sexually while we're having regular sex with one another make that agreement. Don't be cavalier don't be naive to this this is really important stuff. Number three I agree to not actively seek to meet or date others while we're in the process of getting to know one other which means I'm also going to turn off my dating profiles which she and I did for one another. And I got to tell you it feels liberating not to be swiping swiping swiping I mean gosh it's exhausting and I'm so grateful I'm not in that space where I have to do that anymore. Number four I agree to speak up if this isn't working for me versus pulling away disappearing ghosting. I agree to talk about it. And number five I agree to invest regular time in the process of getting to know you, which looks like social activities hobbies mutual interest spending time with family and friends traveling together teamwork building skills both in our personal or professional life and intimacy both physical and emotional intimacy. And number five I agree to over heels for someone he's going to want to do these dating vows and since most men aren't schooled in relationship like I am and like many of you are studying. I invite you to share this video with a man you're interested in ask him is this true for men. Now some men might criticize this. They might think I'm a simp they might think I'm a wimp whatever they might think. They don't know my masculinity or my femininity if you will. I'm here to encourage empowerment. And so my channel is here to encourage individual empowerment because the reality is today. We have a population of single people as well as people who are in relationship and married are hurting their suffering on the inside of not feeling good enough not feeling lovable and not feeling likeable. So I invite everyone to operate from a place of more compassion more love more kindness more care because the more we do that just like for the Grinch. When he felt love his heart open wide three times. Three sizes. And maybe you can pass that on to a man or maybe a man can pass that on to you. Because when we operate from a real sense of care we have a greater chance of having relationship success. And that's my message for you today. All right I'd like to hear your thoughts on this please post a comment below if this resonated with you not just remember to subscribe to my channel please like this video please share this with friends. If you would like some support check out the link to a free discovery call with me check out my group called midlife love mastery. I shoot videos just like this for you and my private group. And follow me on Instagram. All right I think this will be a great place to wrap up today. First off I'm going to give myself a big gigantic job of self love. I'm going to reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm going to ask you to turn to someone a pat the teddy bear pillow. Here's a teddy bear. I'd like you to give it or them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it we could all use more love in our lives. Thanks a bunch. Bye bye.