 The Jack Benny program, transcribed and presented by Lucky Strike. Lucky's taste better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. Lucky's taste better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. For Lucky Strike means, Lime tobacco, richer tasting. Lime tobacco. Lucky's taste better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. Lucky Strike! Lucky Strike! This is Don Wilson, friends. Say, if you like poetry, here's something that may give you a little chuckle. Listen. I like the cigarette I smoke, a statement free from Bunker-Hoke. There is no reason for it, brother, except I don't like any other. That's straight from the typewriter of H.I. Phillips, the noted syndicated columnist. It's part of a statement that Mr. Phillips made regarding the cigarette he smokes, Lucky Strike. In another part of the statement he said, long ago I found Lucky's had the taste that suited me, and I've stuck to them through the years. I smoke Lucky Strike for enjoyment and relaxation. End of quote. Yes, indeed, the word enjoyment. That's the main thing you smoke for. It is all a matter of taste, and the fact of the matter is, Lucky's taste better. They just have to because they're made of fine tobacco, and they're made better. For quite some time now, we've been asking smokers to be happy, go Lucky. If you haven't tried Lucky's, why not take care of that next time you buy cigarettes? Believe me, Lucky's do taste better. Lucky's taste better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. Lucky Strike, Lucky Strike. Lucky Strike program starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston, Rochester, Dennis Day, Bob Crosby, and yours truly, Don Welles. Ladies and gentlemen, tonight Jack Benny does another television program with his guest star, David Niven. Meanwhile, we have a radio show to do. So, we bring you a man whose name for years has been the epitome of show business. A man who went from Walkiegan to Vaudeville. From Vaudeville to Pictures. From Pictures to Radio. From Radio to Television. And now, since he has no place else to go, would you please let him come into your home for just a half hour? Thank you. And here he is. Thank you, thank you. Hello again, this is Jack Benny talking, and kids, you're absolutely right. I have been in show business a long time. That's right, there aren't many performers who've been in the public eye as long as Jack. Certainly, let's face it, I'm a popular star. I mean, everybody knows me. Oh, sure. A couple of months ago, you were on What's My Line and nobody guessed who you were. Oh, was Jack the mystery guest? No, they were looking right at him. Well, they thought you were Hildegard. We've got a show to do, so let's get on for goodness sake. What's all that? Oh, so, the carpeters, Jack, they're remodeling the studio. Who authorized that? Well, I don't know, but the boys in the band thought the acoustics could be improved, so they all chipped in their own money to have it done. Why? Well, last week, the police were practically at the door before they heard the sirens. The police? What do they want? Well, they've been suspicious of Remley's electric guitar. His electric guitar? Mm-hmm. So they followed the cord, and at the other end, they found a telephone and a bookie. Well, I hope this teaches them a lesson. He's always trying to figure out some way to bet on the horses. I bet on the Kentucky Derby yesterday. You did, Dennis? Yeah, and then I went home and watched it on television. When'd your horse come in? On the 10 o'clock news. Boy, was he late. The horse I liked came in second. How did you have it figured, Jack? Well, I didn't bet on the Derby, and I didn't watch it. Oh, but Jack, the Kentucky Derby's the biggest race of the year. Look, Don, you can have your Derby and your Preakness and your Gold Cup and all the rest of them. Horse racing happens to leave me cold. Say, Mary, what's the matter with him? Oh, don't mind him, Don. He went out with us to San Anita three months ago. He's lost. He's been upset ever since. Mary, I'm not upset, and I never was upset over losing. Oh, you weren't, eh? Don, you should have seen the way Jack moped all the way home from San Anita. Really, Mary? What happened? Oh. Well, Jack won on the sixth race, but he lost all back and a little more on the last two. When the races were over, Jack, Dennis, and I were riding home in Jack's car. Rode for about 15 minutes in silence. He is fun going to races once in a while. Yeah, I had a wonderful time. How much did you lose, Mr. Benny? Only $4.75. It was nothing. Well, Jack, I'm glad to see you taking it like such a good sport. Of course, Mary. What's $4.75? It's just the deposits on 237 Coca-Cola bottles. That's all. How'd you make our Dennis? I won $8. Oh, you won, eh? Well, I only lost $4.75. Did you win, Mary? No, I lost $12. Good, good. I mean, that's too bad. Jack, I think you really are mad because you lost. Oh, don't be silly, Mary. It doesn't bother me at all. Easy come, easy go. Now, let's forget it. Rochester, did you lose much? No, boss. I won $29. Look, Rochester, you have no business betting on the races because you can't afford to lose. But, boss, I told you I won. I won. Watch your drive. If losing bothers you so much, we won't discuss the races any more. Mary, I had completely forgotten about that $4.75 until you brought it up. Now, let's not mention it again. The only thing on my mind now is that I want to get home for dinner by 6 o'clock. What time is it now? 4.75. Now, look, once and for all, let's drop the subject. You know, Jack, it was nice running into Benita and Ronald Coleman at the races. Yeah, Ronnie won money, too, and he had the most peculiar system. No, he'd only bet on the English horses. Rochester, can you drive a little faster? I'll try. Say, Mr. Bennett, can I have tonight off? I guess so. Why? Well, I won $29 at the track, and I feel lucky. I thought I might go to the lodge and get into a poker game with some fellas. Uh-huh. Maybe I can win another $71, which will give me an even hundred. And if I had $100 after all these years, I could propose to my girlfriend. Uh, wait a minute, Rochester. You mean to say that this would be the first time you've had $100? This is the first time I've had $29. Well, you should be a little more thrifty. Are you going with the same girl, Rochester? Yes, ma'am, Susie. Gosh, you've been going with her for so many years. Uh, tell me, Rochester, what does she look like? Well, every time I look at her, I think of Lena Horne. Oh, is she that beautiful? No, I just like to think of Lena Horne. Please pay attention to your driving. Well, I'm tired and I'm anxious to get home. And that's better. Gee, we sure must be going fast. The foxtail just blew off the radiator cap. Lucky I caught it. That's not a foxtail and put it back on my head. Rochester, there's a man standing there motioning for us to stop. Pull over the curb. Okay. Yes? Mister, do you know how to get to the public library? No, no, I don't. Well, you go back two blocks, turn left, and you can't miss it. Well, that's the silliest thing I ever heard. Gee, I'm getting kind of thirsty. Well, if you're thirsty, Jack, there's an orange juice stand right up ahead. Oh, yeah, look at that sign. All the orange juice you can drink for $0.10. He stepped on the brakes. From the back seat yet. I've crossed being Charlie Bagby, our piano player over there. Yeah. Hey, Charlie, how'd you make out at the races today? Great. I won 90 bucks. 190 bucks, 190 bucks. Big show off. Hey, what's eating him, Mary? What's wrong with Bagby winning 90 bucks? Oh, nothing, Bob. Jack's just upset because he lost $4.75. He even got mad at the horse. I was not mad at the horse. Then why did you shove your hand down his throat to get your lump of sugar back? It was cold. Now, look, kids. It was really a mistake. Now, look, kids, I don't want to hear any more about my losing money. It isn't such a terrible thing. Well, Jack, Jack. Oh, yeah. Don, what are you doing out this way? Well, it's such a nice day. I thought I'd take the sportsman quartet out for a ride. Taking the quartet for a ride? Where's your car? No car. Piggyback. Oh, yes. The tenor's sitting on the rumble seat. Hello, fellas. Say, Don, have you and the boys thought about a commercial for Sunday? Oh, no, we haven't, Jack, but we'll work on it as soon as we get home. Say, I know a song we can all sing for a commercial. You do? Yeah, it's Clancy Lord of the Booms. Dennis, you've done that so many times. And anyway, I don't think that would make a good commercial. Oh, yes it will, and I've got parts for all of us. Here, this is the quartet's part. This is yours, Mary, and here's yours, Don, and Bob and Rochester. Come on, let's go. Wait a minute. There's no part for me. Well, you do your part on the violin. But I haven't got my violin here. Good. Good. A whole show for each of you. That's all I do. Clancy was a peaceful man if you know what I mean. The cops picked up the pieces after Clancy left the scene. He never looked for trouble. That's a fact you can assume. Or, nevertheless, when trouble would press, Clancy lowered the boom. More than Clancy! Whenever they got his Irish up, Clancy lowered the boom. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Now, Mr. Benny's very good at telling jokes and such. In fact, he's good at everything, except perhaps a touch. One day I asked to borrow tent, was then I sealed my doom. I reached for the cash and quick as a flash, Benny lowered the boom. If ever you look in his pocketbook, Benny will lower the boom. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Now, they can kid him all they please by saying that he's tight. But they should see him when he buys his dinner every night. He gives the girl a dollar, so you may think it's strange. Although the chair is tiny, I'll tell her to keep the change. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. I went to Mr. Benny's house and walked in through the door. There at my feet, a dollar bill was lying on the floor. I looked around but couldn't see nobody in the room. So trusting my luck, I reached for the buck and someone lowered the boom. That's the Benny. He scratches the middle of some poor fiddle and calls it love and gloom, boom, boom, boom. Now when you want a cigarette, here's something I suggest. Why don't you lie at a lucky strike? You know you want the best. They're made of fine and light tobacco that you will agree. So listen to Jack and buy a pack of L.S.M.F.T. All the slot fees, all the slot fees. Be happy and go with luck as you know they'll chase away your boom, boom, boom. Sure, and Clancy smokes them because they're cleaner, fresher, smoother and better taste them too. Very cute. I love those special lyrics. Now come on kids, let's all have some orange juice. Well, I've got to run along, Jack. I'll see you later. Okay, hey Bob. Bob, wait a minute. Say, Mary, watch me catch him. Oh, Bob. Yeah, Jack? Do you know how to get to the public library? Well, sure, you go back two blocks, turn left and you can't miss it. I ran into the same guy. Oh, go on home. Well, we're getting close to home, kids, and I'm really tired. Rochester, what's wrong? I think we're running out of gas. But the gauge says full. Don't go by that. It's for understand it all. Anyway, there's a standard station, so pull in there. Okay. Rochester, honk the horn, so the attendance... Jack, look who it is. Oh, you worked in a gas station? It belongs to my brother-in-law. I'm only helping out. This is my first time. Oh, the first time you ever worked in a gas station? How do you like it? Ooh-ooh-ooh. Sometimes you meet such silly people. You do? Yeah, this morning a gentleman drove in with a brand new Cadillac and said, Fill her up. Uh-huh. So I put in 582 gallons. 582 gallons? I could have put in even more, but one window was open a little. Mr. Kessel, you're joking. I'm not leaving. Thought so. Now, Mr. Kessel, I'd like to get some gas, too, but put it in the tank. It's going in now. Good, good. Mr. Bene, while you're here, how about a grease job? I'll check your differential, universal joints, spring shackles, wheel bearings, and your axle bolts. Mr. Kessel, how'd you learn so much about what's under a car? From time to course, Hollywood Boulevard. Well, let me remind you of the grease. How much do I owe you for the gas, Mr. Kessel? $4.75. Here you are. Goodbye, Mr. Kessel. Thank you. Goodbye, Mr. Kessel. Well, come on, Rochester. We'll drop Ms. Livingston and Dennis off and then go home. I want to get the bed. The bed looks good. Gosh, what a relief to get this high-starred collar off. I only wore it one day and almost drove me nuts. I wonder how Hoover stood it all these years. Well, off with my sweater. Off with my shirt. Gosh, when I tell people I used to be a lifeguard, they laugh at me. Just look at those muscles. How they bulge. Hard as rocks. I gotta stop wearing them in the shower. The buckles are getting rusty. It'll feel good to get my shoes off. Going to the track, sure tires you out. It burns me up the way everybody thinks I'm mad because I lost $4.75. $4.75. I'll make that up at no time. One more guest appearance with Bob Hope and I'm all set. Gee, it's good to get in bed. Yes, sir. I'm tired. What a day. Nothing like a good night's rest. $4.75. $4.75. $4.75. $4.75. $4.75. $4.75. $4.75. $4.75. $4.75. Gosh, what a crowd at the track. Mister, Mister, would you like to buy a program? A program? Yes. How much is it? $4.75. Going at the track. Oh, I love horses. In fact, when I was born, my father wanted me to be a jockey. Oh, God. That's ridiculous. A jockey is only supposed to weigh about 90 pounds. That's what I weighed when I was born. $4.75. $4.75. I gotta win today. I've gotta win. I gotta win today. The horses are coming out on the track for the next race. Johnny Longdon looks nervous on Correspondent. Eddie R. Carroll looks anxious on Rejected. Ralph Nees looks calm on Imbrose. Jack Benny looks crummy on television. I gotta win today. I gotta win. Hey, Bud. Bud. Huh? Come here a minute. What? Who are you betting on? I'm betting on Imbrose. Uh-uh. What? Bet on orange juice. Orange juice? Why? Look at the odds. All you can drink for $0.10. Livingston, you're not that tall. What are you trying to... Oh, look, there's Dennis. Dennis. Now, you're confused, old boy. I'm Ronald Coleman. Now, let's see. I wonder if this horse is worth betting on. Wait a minute. You only bet on English horses. Now, I'd better find out if this one passes the test. Tell me, horse, are you English? I'll be darned. See, that gives me an idea. I'm going down to the paddock and talk to the horses. Here's the horse I'm going to bet on. Hello, horsey. You know, I bet a lot of money on you. Are you gonna win today? Not a horse. If you're a horse, how come you can talk? I can't. The horse next to me is a ventriloquist. Triloquist? How can a horse be a ventriloquist? How should I know? It's your dream. My bet. My bet. I gotta make my bet. I gotta win $4.75. Oh, darn it. The window is closed. I'll wrap on it. Open the window. Open the window. What happened? Well, you opened your window at the gasoline ran out. Mr. Here's $10. Give me a ticket on library. You got the wrong window. Go back two blocks and turn left. Please, there is only one minute in which to make your bets. You people who can't get to the window, follow the electric cord. It will lead you to a guitar player. I'll get my bet down. And in front, a rejected is second. The library is third. And Don Wilson is fourth, fifth, and sixth. Fourth, fifth, and sixth? He's running as an entry. First, correlation is second. Frank Remley is bottled in and he likes it. Coming into the stretch. Oh, wait a minute. Correlation is having trouble. Correlation can't see the finish line. His blinkers are pitted. On the outside is Clancy. His eye reached up. Clancy lowered the boom. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Come on! Second session and running right behind him is David Niven. Rochester, I just had the most exciting dream. Gosh, I won't be able to go back to sleep now. Get me some Ovaltine. Yes, sir. By the way, Mr. Benny, after you went to bed, a special delivery came for you. Special delivery? What was it? A refund from the Income Tax Bureau. How much? How much? $4.75. Never mind the Ovaltine. I can sleep now. Good night, Rochester. Good night, boss. Ladies and gentlemen, I will be back in a minute to tell you about my television show, which goes on tonight at 7 p.m. over the CBS network with my guest star, David Niven. But first, here's a very important announcement. It deals with one of our greatest national hazards, fire. Fire destroys millions of dollars' worth of property and takes thousands of lives each year. Don't let your home be a fire trap. Make certain all electrical appliances are in order. Don't smoke in bed and be careful with inflammables. Don't give fire a place to start. Thank you. I'll be back in just a minute, but first, here's a word from the sweet heart of Lucky Strike. This is Dorothy Collins. Hi, everybody. You know, smoking enjoyment is all a matter of taste. And friends, the fact of the matter is, luckies taste better. One important reason for this is L.S.M.F.T. Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. Fine, naturally mild, good tasting tobacco. And second, luckies are made better. They're made round and firm and fully packed to draw freely and smoke evenly. Golly, that's the whole thing in a nutshell. Truly fine tobacco in a better-made cigarette. That's the whole Lucky Strike story. That's why you can be sure, sure every time you open a pack of luckies, that you'll enjoy a better tasting smoke. For smoking enjoyment is all a matter of taste. And the fact of the matter is, luckies taste better. They're cleaner, fresher, smoother. Pick up a pack or two next time you buy cigarettes. Be happy. Go lucky. You'll agree. Luckies taste better. Luckies taste better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. Luckies taste better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. For Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. Richer, tasting, fine tobacco. Luckies taste better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. Lucky Strike, Lucky Strike. Ladies and gentlemen, tonight I'm doing my television program and as I said before, my guest star will be... Here he comes, David Niven. Produced and transcribed by Hilliard Marx. The Jack Benny program is brought to you by Lucky Strike, product of the American Tobacco Company, America's leading manufacturer of cigarettes. This is the CBS Radio Network. And KNX AM and FM Los Angeles.