 The Jello Program starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston, Phil Harris, Dennis Dane, yours truly, Don Wilson. The orchestra opens a program with Beat Me Daddy with a Pickled Beat. Did you ever go out into an orchard, ladies and gentlemen, and pick fresh ripe fruit right off the trees? Juicy bright colored fruit still warm in the summer sun? Well, it's just such pleasant memories as this that come to mind when you enjoy Jello. For Jello actually rivals the real ripe fruit itself, both in color and refreshment. Jello's gay, scintillating colors make Jello attempting an attractive dessert, a dessert that always adds lots of charm and good cheer to every meal. And in Jello's full body tantalizing flavor, you experience a delight that's simply un-excelled, a tangy goodness that you'll insist on enjoying again and again. So get Jello tomorrow in all of Jello's six delicious flavors, strawberry, raspberry, cherry, orange, lemon, and lime. Just one taste of this grand treat and you'll know right away why rich, shimmering, genuine Jello is America's favorite gelatin dessert. Daddy with a Pickled Beat played by the orchestra. And now, ladies and gentlemen, for the next to the final broadcast of the season, we bring you a man who came to you last October fresh as a daisy and is now standing here faded as a future Jack Benny. Jello again, this is Jack Benny talking. And Don, I'm sure glad we've only got one more program to do. After 35 consecutive weeks of broadcasting, I'm worn out. Boy, I'm all in. Oh, Jack Radio isn't as tough as all that. When you come right down to it, you only broadcast one day a week. I know, Don, but think of all the preparation, the jokes, and the new ideas I have to have. Tell you, I'm exhausted. Well, you've got writers, haven't you? You mean corn and poem? Writers. A fine team. I bought them a typewriter the other day and they did a Maypole dance with the ribbon. A lot of help they are. Where'd you ever find those boys, Jack? Were they professional writers when you picked them up? No, they were just a couple of fast talkers. I met them in a drugstore in New York. One of them used to demonstrate hair tonic and the other one drank it. Anyway, they told me they were writers, so I hired them and I've been sorry ever since. Well, Jack, if they don't do their work properly, why don't you get rid of them? Why don't you fire them? No, I'm going to give them one more chance, Don. But if I don't grow hair by next year, out they go. No jokes, no hair, no wonder I'm tired. Oh, Jack, you always have to make such a big issue out of everything. What? To hear you talk, anybody think you work like a dog. Well, that's the most ridiculous statement I've ever heard. Why, Mary, do you realize what 35 weeks in radio takes out of me? Well, you take something out of radio, don't you? That's not the point. That doesn't tire me. It's the work I have to do. Just lucky that I have a good constitution and the strain doesn't show. Not much. You're as washed out as a teabag in a boarding house. Well, that doesn't make sense because a used teabag is tan and I'm as pale as a ghost. You know what it's from, don't you? It's those weeks and weeks of hard grinding labor. Labor? Do you call what you do labor? Well, chew, chew, chew, if it isn't the honeymoon express. What did you say, baby? That's what she calls them, folks. What did you say? Look, Jackson, I've been listening to this chatter and I don't know what you're beeping about. You only do one broadcast a week, don't you? Yes, but I... And that runs a half hour, right? Yes, but I get more lines than anyone else on the program. That's because you buy more hair tonics. Mary, I'm talking to Phil. And another thing, Jackson, out of that half hour, Don Wilson does two commercials. Yes, but... And Dennis Day sings a song. I know, but... And the boys and I do 10 minutes of music. You do 10 minutes of. Let's not classify it. Music, he calls it. Well, Alice thinks my band is wonderful. Phil, Alice is a dear sweet girl and she's entitled to her opinion. But love is blind and in this case, also deaf. Anyway, Phil, I don't know what you're driving at. What he means, Jack, is this. When you boil it down, you personally work on this program only 13 minutes a week. What? Imagine, only 13 minutes. Well, it's not the time involved, Don, it's the importance. For your information, it only took George Washington 12 minutes to cross the Delaware. How do you know? Jack was rowing the boat. I was not. I missed it. I mean, I wasn't in the boat. Now, let me tell you guys something else. Hello, everybody. What's all the excitement? Oh, this gang. Hello, Dennis. What's the matter? Jack's complaining because he has to work 13 minutes a week. Oh, where's he working? At the Acme Buttonhole Factory in Extra Pants, Nebraska. Where am I working? I was just telling the gang that the strain of broadcasting week after week is made a wreck out of me. Me too. I'd have a nervous breakdown if I could find a sanitarium that would take tenors. Dennis, what do you got to be tired about? You don't have that mental strain every week like I do. Well, I suppose it doesn't take brains to sing a song. No, not necessarily. Crickets can sing and they don't have any brains. Pardon me, Jack. Pardon me. Crickets don't exactly sing. Their song comes from rubbing the hind legs together. Oh. Say, I'll have to try that sometime. Do, Dennis, and let me know how it comes out. Meanwhile, let's have your song in the old-fashioned way we're about ready. Okay. What's it gonna be? I'm gonna sing You and I, a brand new number written by Mary Beth Wilson. That's Meredith Wilson. He's a conductor on the Maxwell House program. Oh. Now go ahead. Hold it a minute. Come in. Mr. Benny? Yes. I wonder if your writers would sell me a bottle of hair tonic. I, uh, I imagine they would. Do you want to grow hair? Yes. I'm tired of the wind and the rain in my scalp. Oh, get out of here. You know, every time I see his head, I feel like sticking my finger in his ear and bowling. Well, go ahead and sing, Dennis. With my legs on my tonsils. With your tonsils. Forget about that cricket. By Kenny Baker and very good Kenny. You know, a song like that especially good for your type. Kenny Baker? I'm Dennis Day, ain't I? Oh, certainly. What's the matter with me? See, fellas, I'm so tired and nervous. I don't know what I'm talking about. You guys think I don't need a rest. You're all so smart. And now, ladies and gentlemen. You're not mad because I'm not Kenny Baker, are you? No. No, Dennis. I'm just confused, that's all. I'm irritable because I'm tired. And now, ladies and gentlemen. If you think Kenny Baker can rub his hind legs together, why don't you get him? Dennis, will you please stop interrupting? Now go crawl under the piano. Okay. See you later. And now, folks, what a kid. And now, folks, Mr. Don Wilson, that eminent American playwright, has written another of his famous one-act plays. Take it, Mr. Wilson. Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen, before proceeding, I would like to announce that any resemblance in this play to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. That's right. The play opens in the home of Mr. and Mrs. Filbert Harris. Now, Jack Finley will play the part. Hey, wait a minute. I object. I don't want any play about my personal life, bud. What's this got to do with you? Well, the character in our play is Filbert Harris, not Phil. There's no connection. Go ahead, Doc. Filbert, an orchestra leader, has just finished playing a one-night stand on the sidewalk in front of the Ambassador Hotel. Uh-huh. Hey, now hold it a minute. This guy's an orchestra leader and I'm an orchestra leader. I smell a rat. Well, it's not you. Continue, Doc. As the scene opens, Filbert's newly wedded wife, played by Miss Livingston, is at home waiting for her husband, Filbert, played by Mr. Bennet. It is dinner time. Turtle music. Oh, dear. I hope daddy isn't late. I prepared this meal for him with my own little hand. Gosh, look at that salad. I wonder if the lettuce goes under the tomatoes or over the tomatoes. Oh, well. That must be baby now. Come in. Well, well, well. Hi, honey. Are you jiving? Are you on the beam? Are you solid? Now, hold on there, Jackson. That guy is me. I talk like that. Quiet. I'm telling you, this is a fictitious character. I'll take it again, Mary. Hi, honey. Are you jiving? Are you on the beam? What's cooking, baby? Ham, hock, and butter beam. Now you're in business, honey. Yeah. Now you're operating. Yeah. Well. Mary. Burke. Say, honey, this food is okay, but where are them whipped potatoes you said he was going to make? We aren't having any. I couldn't find the whip. Night going, honey. That's a lululu. You're in there punching, Alice. Alice? Now I got you. That's my wife's name. Phil, this Alice is A-L-Y-C-E. How does your wife spell her name? Well, wait a minute. I'll call her up. Believe me, it's A-L-I-C-E. There's no connection. Uh, go ahead, Jack. It's your line. Oh, yes. Say, honey, are we having black-eyed peas with candied yams for dessert? No, baby. We're having jello. Jello will doggone dish me, honey. Dish me. Yeah. Not till you've had your ham hock. All right, baby. I'll eat them ham hocks, but I'm going to save plenty of room for jello. Yeah. So you see, ladies, if you're half and want to keep in solid with your husband, serve him a dish of tempt and appetizing jello. It comes in six delicious flavors. Strawberry, raspberry, cherry, orange, lemon, and lime. They're all... Get a boy, Don. There you see, Phil. Aren't you ashamed of yourself? That play had absolutely no connection with you. Well, I wish the quiz kids was here so I could check on that. Don't worry about it. Well, Don, that was a very original playlet. And incidentally, while we're on our vacation, why don't you write up a few more for next season? I'll try to. By the way, Jack, speaking of vacations, what are you doing this summer? Are you going out of town? Well, Don, I intended to go to one of those big fashionable resorts, you know, where you have to dress for dinner and throw your money away. But I changed my mind. You know how Jack hates to dress for dinner. So, instead of that, Don, I intend to rough it. I'm going to a little place in the high sierras called Eagle Nook Lodge and just fish my head off. It's way, way up in the mountains. How high is the place, Jackson? Three dollars a day. Oh, you mean the altitude? It's about 7,000 feet. But it's ideal for me. Just give me a mountain stream and a fishing rod and, brother, those trout better watch out. Oh, sure. You wait and see. You couldn't catch a herring in Lindy's with Abe Lyman for bait. Mary, one more word out of you and I'm going to trade you in for a station wagon. So, cut it out. Well, so much for my vacation now. How about a number, Phil? Okay, Jackson. Oh, Jack, I meant to ask you, who's taking over our show for the summer? Well, Don, the sponsor has a brand new program lined up called Regular Fellows, and it's adapted from Gene Byrne's famous comic strip of that name. You know, Putinhead Duffy, Jimmy Dugan and all those kids. Oh, yes. Well, that sounds like it'll be a lot of fun. It'll be a swell show, Don, and I wish Regular Fellows a lot of luck on their summer series. Well, go ahead, Phil. Let's have your number. Now what? Come in. Mr. Benny, I still can't find your writers. Where are they? Look, bud, it's none of my business, but I'm afraid hair tonic won't help you. How'd you lose your hair, anyway? I pulled off a tight hat too quick. Hair tonic. What that guy needs is a mop with a part in it. Play, Phil. We need some changes made played by Phil Harris and his All American Rhythm Kings. American Rhythm Kings meaning a perfect description of this outstanding musical organization and all meaning I take it all back. And now, ladies and gentlemen, I would like to announce that next Sunday our final broadcast of the season will originate from the Naval training stations in San Diego, California. Yes, sir. And after that, fellas, you know, I used to be in the Navy, and this will be a kind of a reunion for me. I thought you were in the Army, Mr. Benny. No, Dennis, the Navy. Don't you remember? He was in that boat with George Washington. Mary, I take a note. I never even knew George Washington. Please believe me. But no kidding, fellas. Sometimes I regret ever having left the Navy. Gee, with that blue suit and my blue eyes, I was really something. You really liked the service, huh, Jack? I certainly did, Don. And I was getting long swell. Who knows if I'd have stuck, I might have been an admiral today. But my chest just covered with metal. How could you hold them up? Mary, I really need a station wagon. Anyway, I was just talking about what might have been. You know, fellas, I often wonder if... I'll take it. Hello? Hello, Mr. Benny, this is Rochester. Oh, what do you want? Boys, if you don't get off the boat out of the house, I'm leaving. That man's getting crazy every day. Oh, for goodness sake, you're always worried about Mr. Billingsley. What's the matter now? Well, he's been planning this summer vacation all day long. All right, what's crazy about that? He's out in the swimming pool right now taking swimming lessons. He's learning the Australian crawl. Well, what's crazy about that? He's going to swim to Australia. Now, that's ridiculous. Mr. Billingsley is obviously kidding you. He can't be serious about swimming to Australia. Oh, he means it, boys. He told me to meet him at the Dr. San Pedro early tomorrow morning. Oh, Michael, what does he need you for? He wants me to hit him on the head with a bottle of champagne. Well, use the domestic, not the imported. Now, look, Rochester, don't let him leave the house. It's up to you to humor him. Uh-huh. Explain to him that he's not a boat. That'll be pretty hard to do, boys. He's weighing two hats. Two hats? Yeah, he claims the top one is a poop dick. Oh, for heaven's sake, well, Rochester, keep him in the backyard by the swimming pool. And whatever you do, don't let him get away. Too late, boys, there he goes. Well, catch him, stop and humor him. Tell him before he leaves, he's got to take on cargo. He's loaded now. Rochester, do something. Lock the front door. I'll be home right after the broadcast. Okay. Goodbye. Goodbye. Oh, say, boss. What? Are you going to broadcast from San Diego next Sunday? Yes. Am I going with you? Yes, Rochester, you're going to drive me down in the Maxwell. What are you laughing at? If that Maxwell can get to San Diego, Mr. Billingsley's a sense-for-stay. I'll go on, Mr. Billingsley. He really thinks he's a boat. I'll have to put a sign on his door, Pier 18. Ladies and gentlemen, we have saved a few minutes of our program this evening to bring you a message from a distinguished guest, one of the nation's outstanding Americans. A call has gone out, a call which concerns the very defense of America, one which affects vitally the morale of the million and a half men already called to the colors. Realizing this serious situation, the President of the United States, the Secretaries of War and of the Navy, and the Federal Security Administration, have called upon every American to support the United Service organizations. Mr. Thomas E. Dewey has been drafted as National Campaign Chairman of the U.S.O. So, ladies and gentlemen, I have the honor and pleasure to present at this time the District Attorney of New York City, Mr. Thomas E. Dewey. Thank you, Jack. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm mighty happy to be with you tonight. Now, Jack, after that fine introduction, I'd like to ask you something. What do you know about the U.S.O.? Well, Mr. Dewey, I think, well, let's see. It's got something to do with soldiers or sailors. You know, if I had stayed in the Navy, I might have been an admiral today, Admiral Benny. I know, Admiral. I heard your program. Oh, no. But, uh... But, uh... But, uh, Jack, I'm afraid you don't know very much about the U.S.O. But them neither do a lot of other Americans. Briefly, the U.S.O. is a joint effort on the part of the YMCA, the YWCA's Salvation Army, National Catholic Community Service, Jewish Welfare Board, and the Traveller's Aid to bring to the soldiers, sailor and marine, recreational and hospitality facilities outside the cantonments. Oh, so the U.S.O. doesn't work in the camps themselves? No, Admiral. I mean, uh, Jack... Yes, I know, I know. Uh... The service clubs will be all located outside the camps and bases. I've just visited in the last two weeks and traveling over 9,000 miles more than 21 of the camps. Imagine some of these places with 30,000 men cooped up in a camp and the nearest town has 1,700 men, women and babies. When they get a day off, the men have no place to go and nothing to do. It's a pretty serious business when we transplant a million and a half men from their homes and then leave them to think we've forgotten all about them. These men must know that 130 million Americans are really behind them. Yes, Mr. Dewey, that's a swell idea. It's going to cost a lot of money, though, isn't it? Not as much as you'd think. With the help of every real American, we can do a grand job for a little more than 10 million dollars. But that won't build recreational centers, will it? No, the federal government is supplying the buildings. It's up to the U.S.O. to get the funds to operate the clubs. Well, how are you going to get this 10 million dollars? In every community in the United States, right now, the U.S.O. is organizing an appeal for funds. On June 3rd, the drive starts with a broadcast from every part of the country to dinners all over the country. Every American, regardless of his views on foreign policies or anything else, can unite on this job and through the U.S.O., get behind his own defenders. Thank you, Jack, and thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you, Tom Dewey. We appreciate your coming to us and telling us about the United Service Organization. I understand that we have contributed over 60 million dollars to help those abroad. And this is the first time we have ever been asked to help our own American boys. I'm sure everyone realizes that taking care of our boys is our job, and I sure you, we Americans, will do it. Here's a grand dessert, ladies and gentlemen, that's not only delightfully unusual, but unusually delightful. A real novelty and a real treat. It's Jello's latest dessert triumph. Jello's charlotte. Something mighty good the whole family will enjoy. It's inexpensive too, and of course, like all desserts you make with Jello, easy to prepare. Simply make up a package of cherry Jello, as you usually do, and chill until slightly thickened. Next, hollow out the centers of a dozen cupcakes, and fill with the slightly thickened Jello. Then chill until firm and serve with a topping of snowy white whipped cream. And just watch the family response to this tempting new dessert surprise. So different and so delicious. Get a package of cherry Jello and make up this well-deserved. You'll find the cherry Jello, like strawberry and raspberry Jello, has a new improved flavor obtained by using a natural flavor base artificially enhanced. And this means a flavor that's better than ever. A rich distinctive goodness that you find only in genuine Jello. So treat yourself to a new treat. Tomorrow night for dinner, serve Jello's charlotte. A luscious combination of dainty cupcakes and shiny ruby red cherry Jello. Last number of the 34th program in the current Jello series, and we will be with you again next Sunday night at the same time, doing our final broadcast from the Naval Training Station in San Diego. And after that, be sure and tune in every Sunday night to our sparkling summer show, Regular Fellows. Oh, Mary. Yes, Jack. I'm all in. Will you say good night for me? Sure. Good night, folks. Thanks. Here's a snappy new dessert, ginger snap ice cream. Where do you buy it? Well, you can't buy it, but you can make it right in your own automatic refrigerator with vanilla Jello freezing mix. Just take a can of vanilla Jello freezing mix and make up a freezing tray full of smooth, luscious homemade vanilla ice cream. Then when you stir it, add 3 fourths of a cup of golden, spicy ginger snaps broken into bits. Making it at home is the easy way and the only way. So get vanilla Jello freezing mix tomorrow. This is the National Broadcasting Company.