 This is the anxious truth episode number one hundred sixty five one six five Entitled stop fighting start learning Welcome back to the show dudes and do that's Glad you here as always. Thank you for taking the time to spend with me before we get started Because this podcast episode I think is gonna be a really important one That's the reason why I call it stop fighting and start learning because it's one of the core principles of anxiety recovery that I think a lot of people Really don't grasp they don't get it and there's a lot of reasons for that So we're gonna talk about that but before we do what I want to remind you of is that I have a 100% free resource out there and the podcast is a free resource But on top of that I have a one-hour 100% free Video training session that teaches you the basics of recovery, right? So if you are really confused you don't know what to do you have no idea what to start What am I supposed to do with all this stuff? How do I get better? What is this recovery that this guy is always talking about? It is a one-hour video session that you can sign up for watch as many times as you want whenever you want It's totally 100% free So I would urge you to take advantage of that even if you're already on the road to recovery and you need a little refresher Or you have some things you're not sure of There's a good chance that the the workshop the video workshop will help you out You can find it on my website at the anxious truth comm slash workshop one. That's workshop in the number one Take you right over there pop in your email address sign in and watch the training Whenever you want as often as you want to always be there you can keep coming back to it and it founds It's it forms a good foundation and it's a good adjunct to the podcast So if you're not sure what to do start there, I will remind you of that It's 100% free and people are digging it. So take advantage. Okay. Let's talk about today's topic today's topic stop fighting Start learning. Let's break this into two things I'm gonna give you a principle to go on here and this is a thing that I think a lot of people They don't really get and there's a read there I want to start with the reason why they don't really get this and that is that this war that you are in right? You are in the anxiety recovery war Anxiety recovery is an odd war because the only way to win it is to stop fighting Let that sink in for a second The only way to win this war is to stop fighting it and that is truth That is 100% truth right there like podcast is called the anxious truth. There's some truth for you And those of you who are old enough to know the the movie war games and even if you're not old enough It's a pretty kind of a cult movie. So in war games There's an 80s movie where a computer sort of goes haywire and almost starts World War 3 very typical scenario, but it's the 80s Right, so the computer tries in various simulations at the end and the big climactic scene at the end of war games The computer which is called a whopper has taken over the United States missile control And it's about to launch missiles at the Soviet Union at the time would have been the Soviet Union and start World War 3 But it begins running simulation after simulation after simulation on the screen and it's very dramatic the music and everybody's nervous Because the computer is gonna launch the missiles by itself and it keeps trying to win the war It keeps trying to fight this war again and again and again and it loses and it loses and it loses And ultimately it gets to the point where it's like there's smoke in the room and it's overheating and it's doing all that stuff And then it just stops dead And everything goes blank and the music stops and there's a big long dramatic pause and the computer voice comes on and says Curious game the only way to win is not to play And then the computer goes back down to like the lowest DEF CON and all the lights come back on and it's it Relinquishes control of the missile arsenal and it's done. It's not gonna play the game anymore So if you don't know that the movie war games go on YouTube and search for war games and End scene ending scene final scene whatever you want to call it and watch that Because it is an incredible analogy an analog to the process of anxiety recovery watching the computer which is named Joshua Play that game again and again and again and keep losing and keep losing and keep losing Sooner or later the computer actually learns. I I can't do it this way. This isn't working This isn't working the only way to win is not to play it says Which was you know back in the days of the Cold War was certainly a political statement and that's fine And it was very impactful when the computer says that But the computer learned the lesson. I have to stop fighting this I cannot fight this war Because I cannot win this war when I fight it. So I got to stop fighting it. That's how I'm gonna win and it was right So odds are you consider yourself in a war with anxiety. This is a war. This is a battle It's a struggle and you may be using words like warrior or you may be given words like warrior I'm just gonna say it flat out. I know there's another anxiety Person out there educator coach whatever who starts everything. He says with warriors warriors Then he calls his people warriors every day multiple times a day I'm a warrior and I know because you know people will arrive in my community and you know, they'll they'll parrot that Hey anxiety warriors. I'm gonna tell you right now You better stop calling yourself a warrior because you are not a warrior. You are a student. You are a student You are not a warrior All right, so this is really really important warrior implies that you are in a battle You will resist you will fight back. You will run over anxiety Like the connotation of the word warrior and war and battle we're in this never-ending battle with anxiety. I Understand it's very dramatic. There's a certain romanticizing of the struggle when we talk about being warriors And we talk about being in a never-ending war and a battle and the darkness of the battle I've heard all of those metaphors over the years many many many metaphors They're all battle-based and war-based and warrior-based warrior goddesses warrior gods ninjas wolves like I mean I look I appreciate wolves as much as the next guy But in the end I did not solve my anxiety problem by by shaking it in my jaws like a wolf That wasn't what did it in the end. I would have loved it if that was it It might look like that from the outside, but and that's a very romanticized image That's like speaks to me on an emotional level, but that wasn't what did it So to go back to the premise of the podcast You have to stop fighting and start learning So no matter what social media is telling you and no matter what like really amazing images and words and metaphors and romanticized Notions of you battling a war and winning a war and fighting anxiety. I'm gonna fight it That's not that's not the way this works because when you try to fight it You lose every time if you're listening to me right now There's a really good chance that you still have an anxiety problem of some kind or else You wouldn't be listening to the podcast and I would lay dollars to doughnuts that you have been fighting that problem With every weapon you could find you're throwing every piece of junk in the book at it at this point, right? You have thrown, you know herbs and crystals and and grounding and meditation and Gratefulness and journaling and weighted blankets and I I can't I'm not gonna go through the whole thing You've tried to fight off your intrusive thoughts fight them resist them. I'm trying to fight them off I must fight them off You're trying to fight off panic. You're trying to stop it from happening You're trying to fight off the anxiety and you are finding every possible Weapon that you can put in an arsenal when you're throwing at this throwing it at this anxiety And yet here it is. It's still here The harder you swing at it the more the anxiety is like rocky, you know that I'm dating myself in a big way here But the rocky movies everybody knows the Rocky movies, you know Rocky The more he got beat up the angrier he got and then he always won Right, so anxiety is like rocky the harder you hit it the harder you hit it It just gets up and comes back for more. Oh, yeah, is that all you got? I can bring another what if at you? I can make up another thought I can come up with another scenario. I could tell you that if you go to the dentist It's gonna get infected and then you'll die Like anxiety has an unlimited repertoire It has an unlimited arsenal of weapons because it does not have to obey the laws of reality You live in reality. I talked about this in the health anxiety episode You live in the real world. You must obey the laws of reality Disordered anxiety doesn't have to it can make up anything it wants It doesn't have to be rational and therefore it has an unlimited Arsenal it has an unlimited number of weapons to throw at you and hit you with and stab you with and cut you with And if you try to go blow to blow blow by blow, you know toe-to-toe and slug it out with it We lose we lose I try to slug it out, too Like I you know anybody who knows me personally knows that I want to run things over. I really do it is in my DNA It's part of my personality in many cases. It's a flaw Well in the beginning of my anxiety journey journey. It was a flaw It was a major problem my need to run things over and not be dominated like I will dominate my anxiety like that Would turn out to be a tremendous mistake because no matter what I did I couldn't win that war fighting it And you have been trying to win a war for some time and you've been identifying as a warrior But in the end keep losing right so there's no nobility in fighting a losing war Continuously continuously we must keep soldiering on we must keep battling this Persevere keep going well. No no there's no nobility in suffering continuously because you keep going and getting your nose bloodied every day I mean, you know anxiety is gonna give you a bloody nose. It's gonna hit you in the face. That's true But the nobility isn't getting up and and getting punched again The nobility is is stopping for a second and say what did I learn about this bloody nose? What is this teaching me? So now let's start to segue in when we fight it it net we never win it always comes back always You try to squash it you keep it at bay for a few weeks or a few months or a few years and Then the dam breaks and it comes back again, and you're right back in the same boat fighting. It does not work. It never works So what would be a different approach and that would be to start learning from it? So when anxiety like you know tease off and blood ease your nose hits you in the nose And you wind up sitting on your butt and your nose is bleeding instead of scrambling back to your feet and swing And again at it and then it just bloodies your nose again And you're just blind with rage and all you're trying to do is hit back and no matter how much you cover up It gets through your garden to blood as your nose again Maybe this time sit down for a minute and say what am I learning about this? What is this bloody nose teaching me? Well number one it's teaching me that I actually do always get up. I keep getting up No matter how much it hurts when it punches me in the nose and no matter how much my nose bleeds I'm still here. I keep getting up So maybe the object of the game here is not to try to keep swinging like I'm getting frustrated now because I think if I hit It back it will stop bloodying my nose. I Think if I if I fight it if I go back at it if I refuse to back down if I wage a war with this Somehow it will get the message feel defeated and slink away, but it doesn't Right, so you have to shift from being a warrior a soldier in some war to shifting over to being a student Because anxiety recovery is not a battleground. It is a classroom So every time Anxiety tees off and punches you in the jar punches you in the nose and you wind up on your butt and it hurts You don't like it Really what we want to do is say well, what can I learn from this experience? I can learn that this hurt, but it didn't kill me I can learn that this was really uncomfortable, but it didn't kill me when my nose was bleeding I ruined a brand new shirt, but it didn't kill me. I still got up now when I get up. What can I do? I could keep trying to do the same thing that I've been doing it But that's not working and I'm frustrated and I'm afraid All the time because I know what's coming when I go back into this battle So maybe what I need to do is see what this experience has taught me What has this experience taught me? I know what it felt like. I know what happened, but then what did I do? I was still okay. I got up. I lived to see another day So instead when when you get it when anxiety, you know tees off and hits you in the nose and you have a bloody nose Rather than getting up in a rage and running straight back into it and trying to hit it Maybe the way to do that is just stand there and make your lunch while you have a bloody nose eat your lunch It'll hit you again. It's gonna hit you again But in the end you can keep eating your lunch even with the bloody nose. It's not fun It's not good. You don't like it Nobody wants to do that and we certainly want to live our entire life getting punched in the nose every hour But but You have to become rocky in this situation Right. So instead of you, you know instead of you being that the the antagonist the villain in the Rocky movie That just keeps hitting Rocky harder and harder and Rocky just keeps getting stronger and stronger every time you hit him You have to become Rocky You have to become Rocky because Rocky learned there is nothing you can do that hit me hard enough that will keep me down I can keep going Right. So but you got to detach from that that war mentality that battle mentality You're not trying to knock anxiety down. You're not gonna knock it down It's gonna knock you down. But what you can learn from being knocked down is that oh, we want to get knocked down I'm still capable. I can still live my life even though I got knocked down this morning I got back up and I lived life again And it knocked me down again, but then I got up again, but I kept living life I didn't go back. I'm not spending all my energy trying to win this boxing match that I can never win. I Didn't go back onto a battlefield that I continually lose with the battles on like oh, no, I don't have to do that I don't have to do that So you have to start to take those experiences those battles the war every time you get you know wounded in the war This engage from the war like alright I guess you're gonna just keep the lesson here is that you keep hitting me keep shooting me You keep doing whatever you do anxiety in this war this boxing match this MMA match this war this battlefield But you never kill me you never kill me You never actually do any damage to me other than make me feel really uncomfortable I'm afraid of you right now that much is a hundred percent true. Nobody would argue that You are uncomfortable. You are afraid you feel vulnerable all of those things, but it still never kills you It's still never kills you The scary thought never comes true no matter how scary it seems the heart attack never actually happens The stroke never actually happens the passing out doesn't actually happen Gotta run to the bathroom you run to a bathroom and even if you couldn't run to a bathroom. It wouldn't kill you Right so all of the stuff that you fear about your anxiety the sensations the thoughts the what ifs All of those things they never kill you and I don't mean literally I mean for some people there's a literal fear that it will kill them. I understand that that was my fear But it never actually does anything more than make you think that it's going to kill you metaphorically It makes you think that is going to like incapacitate you, but it never actually does It never actually does so we need to learn that lesson So when we talk about going toward Leaning into anxiety like last week on the recovery room, which we do every Friday on Instagram on the recovery room That was a topic like leaning into anxiety leaning into fear going toward the fear We have metaphors about this and ridiculous cliches all peppered all over popular culture Get comfortable being uncomfortable How many life coaches and like 10x business like gurus have told you that in the last year get comfortable being uncomfortable Right like nothing happens in the comfort zone. Nothing grows in the comforts. Yeah, we know all that we get that But here's the bad news. I might be picking on that stuff a little bit, but it's true There's a reason why we latch on to those sort of things Right, so it is true that your anxiety and your panic and your intrusive thoughts and your fear is making you Afraid and feel vulnerable and unsure and uncomfortable and uncertain, but that's all it's ever done is make you feel those ways The problem is that you try to engage it in a war you try to battle it you can't knock it down You can't make it go away So therefore you wind up crippled and doing nothing but fighting you're doing nothing but fighting a war Right, so if you're the army and you're on that battlefield You can go back at the enemy or you could turn around and start to actually rebuild your city So the enemy has inflicted some damage if you want to use war analogies. It's it's bombed your city your home So, you know, you can you can keep fighting it But every time you fight it it drops more bombs and the city is getting worse and worse So maybe the better way to do that is since the bombs and the weapons never actually take you down is Let me go rebuild my city Go ahead bomb it again, I'm just gonna keep building. I'm gonna keep rebuilding the city cause I can Every time you knock me down, I will get up and I will accomplish something else That is a way better thing to do because then you have a chance to learn Now the battlefield becomes a classroom for you. I keep getting knocked down, but I keep getting back up I am learning that I am resilient. I am learning that I am strong I am learning that the anxiety is big and nasty and has a huge growl and big teeth But it's actually in the end ineffective. It doesn't actually ever accomplish its goal. It can't it doesn't know It's a one-trick pony. What am I learning from this? I am learning that it has done the worst it knows how to do and I am by fighting this battle I am giving it way too much credit as if it could just keep escalating, but it's already dropped It's already gone to the nuclear option. It doesn't know anything else to do and When we stop fighting and start learning when we treat anxiety recovery as a classroom instead of a war We give ourselves a little bit of space to work in and then we can actually see Those experiences for what they are learning experiences opportunities to learn I am uncomfortable and afraid and feel wounded and I've been knocked down and I and this sucks And I hate this and it feels like it's never gonna end, but I am still capable. I am still resilient I can still live my life. I can still do all of those things and I'll tell you what happens when you do that So this is just dripping with metaphors and analogies here, right? The process of recovery when we say go toward the fear lean into the fear when we do Exposure work when we go into the things that trigger us when we stop using the word trigger and we welcome it all When we allow when we surrender, I use the word surrender people say accept float Tolerate allow surrender. Do you notice that none of those words are aggressive battle war fight words? They're not Float and float and accept from from Claire weeks. Dr. Weeks. I mean those are the fluffiest words that I've ever heard for this You know, they cause a lot of confusion. I'm not fans of them anymore. I love her work I'm just not fans of the you know the syntax that she used but float and accept Like I spent a lot of time, you know really like explaining to people like no no no those aren't pretty things Those are ugly things, but just to hear me on this So she said float and accept I say surrender. I know people that say tolerate allow permit Bend don't break. I'm gonna have a bending tree tattooed on my shoulder for a reason because I had to learn the lesson That I needed to bend in that wind When the storm came at me, I didn't I didn't need to dig my heels in and try and stand upright in a torrential rain and driving winds I had to learn to bend Into that and let it bend me But it never broke me and I learned that then you learn and you learn that it waited It can't get me. It can't kill me. This is as good as it's got it I keep thinking that it has more tricks. It can keep escalating, but it can't oh My goodness if I just stop fighting and allow myself to learn for a second If I allow if I tolerate this if I surrender to this I can actually have learning experiences and what is this experience teaching me? It's teaching me that this thing is at a tricks man And why have I been thinking that it could just keep escalating and escalating? I mean, what do you think it's gonna do next just literally like vaporize you like some sort of alien with a ray gun ray gun Nobody says ray gun. I'm not even old enough to say ray gun But you know like really seriously now like what else do you think it's gonna do just vaporize you on the spot? You'll just spontaneously combust. No, you've been thinking that somehow Anxiety panic intrusive thoughts all of those things have some more magical power waiting to unleash on you Like it's just gonna keep escalating. It's gonna do more. It's gonna do it No, no when you stop fighting and allow yourself to actually have those experiences Experiences allow them surrender to them tolerate them will fully tolerate them I don't care. Whatever your favorite saying is but stop being a warrior Stop resisting them stop trying to deflect them stop them drop stop trying to bloody anxieties No, so it won't bloody yours Allow that and then learn from what happens That ain't pretty and it's not the way anybody wants it to be but then you learn that you are better than it And when you start to learn bit by bit brick by brick step by step Tiny step by tiny step that you are better than it You stop having to fight it. You just don't care anymore You don't need to fight an opponent that you're not afraid of In the end get ahead do what you want the Superman fight like with a bank robber No, he doesn't he just shows up and he lets the guy pull out a gun and just unload the gun at him They bounce off him because he's freaking Superman doesn't care. He's a fight the guy good bring it You ain't gonna stop me. It's that's what I do. I'm Superman. Well in a way when when you actually Stop being a warrior You start to actually feel like a warrior like how paradoxical is that so I will go back to the very beginning of this podcast If you look at anxiety recovery, it is a paradoxical war You only win it when you stop fighting it When you stop trying to be a warrior and start trying to be a student Curiously you start to feel like a hell of a warrior Because you stop being afraid of it God hit me again You ain't you got nothing my grandmother hits harder than that, you know, those are all rocky rocky lines But then you don't care anymore. Get hit me again Doesn't matter and after a while you stop even falling down Now it can't even knock you down And if you want to use the boxing or wrestling or MMA analogy, that's fine Like you let it keep hitting you you just keep getting up and going about your daily business You will hate it at first and it will feel like why am I doing this is ridiculous? What did this guy tell me to do? But after a while like anxiety metaphorically will begin to lose steam now It is not sentient like these are all sort of Metaphors and analogies that I'm making here to help illustrate the point That's not the actual mechanism here habituation inhibitory learning. Those are the mechanisms But we're not talking about that now a little bit of an emotional rant if you will But over time if you just keep getting up Like do not give it the pleasure of like watching you like I'm gonna get you and then boom it hits you again And you're on your ass Like don't give it the pleasure. Okay. You hit me. I'm on my ass. I'm gonna keep going I'm gonna go back and rebuild my city. I'm gonna build my house while you hit me again and again and again I'm gonna keep building this house So go ahead keep hitting me. I don't care. You can't stop me Eventually it starts to run out of gas it runs out of weapons. It's it can't fuel its vehicles anymore It's just tired And then you're not afraid of it anymore and then you feel like a warrior and then how magic The war is over So the only way to end that war and to win it is to literally stop fighting it Stop being a warrior start being a student Stop fighting start learning And that is the paradox of the anxiety recovery war So please if I can give you some advice at the end of this little rant here It would be stop letting yourself get sucked into those romanticized dramatic You know images and words and metaphors of being a warrior and a goddess And romanticizing the battle the never-ending battle of darkness against light. No, no, no Those are really great and like the lord of the rings and harry potter films and star wars Like we love that stuff people love that stuff We love the battle between good and evil, but you're not in a battle right now You have learned your brain has learned some bad habits and it needs the chance to unlearn them And relearn the good habits It's a classroom guys. It's not a war So as much as war sounds romantic and dramatic and might make you feel better about yourself The next time somebody wants to call you a warrior Just shake your head. I'm not a warrior. I'm a student. I'm learning You keep fighting. I'll be over here learning So that is the deal. I think that's enough ranting. I did not expect to go for 26 minutes, but I never do I don't know why I bother saying that you guys should totally call me out on that This is the way it's going to be. They're going to be 20 30 minutes. What am I going to do? That's life It's the way it goes. All right peeps I appreciate you coming and spending time with me as you always do and listening to me rant like I did today I'm going to ask you like I always do if you're listening on itunes or any platform that lets you rate or review the podcast Then rate the podcast Five stars would be awesome and then take another like 30 or 40 seconds and write a few sentences about why you love the podcast Because that helps other people find it and that's why I do this to try and help as many people as I can I would appreciate that And uh, don't forget my free one hour training one hour, uh, Workshop video workshop the anxious treat comm slash workshop one That's the number one and as always i'm going to play you out with afterglobe on my friend ben drake Ben wrote this song After having been inspired by this podcast a while back and he was kind enough to let me use it I hope you guys enjoy it You can find ben drake online on his website ben drake music calm check him out. He's a good dude and a good musician I will see you guys next week in the next podcast episode whatever that will be and remember This is the way