 Mother, is Maxwell House really the only coffee in the world? Well, your father says so, and your father knows best. Yes, it's Father Knows Best, transcribed in Hollywood, starring Robert Young as father. A half-hour visit with your neighbors, the Anderson's, brought to you by America's favorite coffee, Maxwell House. The coffee that's always good to the last drop. Proficiency in the art of billiards, we've often been told, is a certain sign of a misspent youth. On the other hand, when I was a boy, having a billiard table in your home was an equally certain sign of affluence. Sort of confusing, isn't it? Anyway, in Springfield, in a certain white frame house on Maple Street, the Anderson's are going to find out all about billiard tables and confusion. Like this? A billiard table. But, honey, they practically gave it to me. If you sat up night and day for three months, you couldn't figure out one thing we need less than a billiard table. Oh, I don't know. I could probably think of... Margaret People can always use a billiard table. Oh, what? Well, if we can't figure out anything else, we can always use it to play billiards. You're so clever. Do you really think so? Look at it. Of all the rundown, moth eaters... Those aren't moth holes. No? No, I asked about that, and the man told me they're cigarette burns. I beg your pardon. But they're not moth holes. Jim, I... How much did you pay for it? Pay? Well, may I explain something to you first? You see... Jim... Honey, please. This is very important. You see, with a billiard table, it isn't the original cost that's important. It's the upkeep. No, it's the money you save. In other words, it isn't really a billiard table. It's a piggy bank. Honey... King size. All right, Margaret, as soon as you're ready to talk sensibly, we'll continue. I'm ready. Good. Now... How much did you pay for it? Let's say, for example, we feel like going to the movies some night. How much did you pay for it? Instead of buying five tickets, and that's easily three dollars, we stay home and play billiards. Daddy! You make such a fuss about little things like the light bill and the phone bill... Our phone bill hasn't been a little thing in years. Will you please stop changing the subject? I'm not changing the subject. Daddy! You were the one who brought up the phone bill in the first place. All right. How much did you pay for it? For what? The billiard table. Oh, well, just a second, honey. I think Kathy wants me. What is it, kitten? Where are you? We're in the playroom. I'll be right down. Stay where you are, dear. We're coming up in two seconds. Okay. Honey, I'd like her to see the table. Come on down, Kathy. Come down? Jim, I've got a whole dinner cooking on the stove. It'll only take a minute. Come on, kitten. Down? Yes, down. And I said to come down. It's all right, Angel. Your father wants to show you something. He does? Close your eyes, baby. I've got a surprise for you. If I go down the stairs. Well, what do you think? About what? That? Where's the ping-pong table? I put it in the closet. How do you like our billiard table? Fine. Daddy, did you ever shoot an elephant? What has that got to do with a billiard table? Oh, it's very simple, dear. Billiard balls, ivory, elephant tusks. You don't have to shoot an elephant to get billiard balls. I know, dear. But you save so much extra that way. Margaret. Even more than by not going to the movies. Are we going to the movies? No, dear. Not for years and years and years. I didn't say that, Margaret. How about lions? What about lions? Did you ever shoot one? Naturally. When I was a boy, I used to shoot one every morning on the way to school. Jim. What kind of a question is that for a child to ask? Did I ever shoot a lion? Jim, if I don't get upstairs. Hey, Mom. We're down here, bud. I can't find my gym shoes. Come on down. I want to show you something. Okay. And don't run down the stairs. Bud! Did I say something, Dad? I said, don't run down the stairs. Gosh, no. Say, Mom, I left my gym shoes in the garage and now I can't find them. What were your gym shoes doing in the garage? Just sitting there, I guess. Bud, were those your new gym shoes? Well, they were only there a couple of days. Do you suppose somebody took them? Of course not. Why would anybody want to take a brand new pair of gym shoes? You mean they would, huh? That's exactly what I mean. And you're going to find out that $7.95 shoes don't grow on trees. Like billiard tables do. Margaret, I've got to teach these children. And come to think of it, you still haven't told me how much you paid for it. The table? Well... How about tigers? What? Did you ever shoot a tiger? Kathy, the only thing I ever shot in my entire life is an occasional game of billiards. You shoot billiards? Jim, I'm not going to ask you again. Good. Bud. Are you going to tell me? Just a minute, honey. First, I've got to take care of Bud. Bud. Yes, sir? You'll wear your old gym shoes. But they don't fit me anymore. Then you can go without them. Holy cow. Father! After you've been without Jim's shoes for a while, maybe you'll learn to take care of the things you have. Jim, he can't go around without shoes. Hey, where are you going? We're coming right up, Betty. But I have to tell you something. Something happened to me. I can't find my brown gloves. Good grief. You'd think the whole world was coming to an end. But you don't understand, Father. I had my lunch money in them. Betty, I've told you so many. What am I going to do? Margaret, isn't there any way... You smell something burning? My dinner. Honey, if you... The whole thing's probably burnt to a crisp just because you had to buy a billiard table. What does a billiard table have to do with... I don't know. Between losing gym shoes and lunch money and shooting elephants... Kathy? Yes, Daddy? Why this sudden interest in elephants and tigers? I have to write a composition. About shooting animals? About anything. Father, could I please have three dollars? No. But Father... You can't learn to take care of your money. You can go without it. But it's my lunch money. You can take your lunch with you. Oh, Father, please. I can't. Why not? It just isn't done. Well, it's going to be done. But nobody takes their lunch. You're going to... How would you like to walk around without shoes? Couldn't you even pretend you shot an elephant? I don't know. Betty? Father, maybe if you gave me an advance on my allowance... Your mother's calling you? Yes, Mother. Please bring up two cans of tuna fish. Okay. I thought we were having a pot roast for dinner. We're having tuna fish. Oh. And please hurry, Betty. I can't get into the pantry closet. Why can't you? I can't open the door. There's a lot of fishing poles and things in the way. Uh, I'll take care of that. Mother! Never mind, Betty. You go upstairs and set the table. I'll bring the tuna fish up. But Mother said... I said go upstairs. Jumping creepers. You'd think I was a child or something. You too, kitten. But what could I write my composition about? Give me a hand with this stuff, will you, bud? Okay, Dad. We'll lay it all out on the window seat, and then I'll find a better place for it later. You didn't tell me what I could write about. Kathy, I'm very busy, and I haven't time to... Why don't you write about something you understand, like breaking windows? Okay. No, wait a minute. I... I was only joking. Dad, there's a hook on the end of this one. Do you want me to...? Leave it alone, bud. I'll take care of it. Kathy. Yes, Daddy? Why don't you write about your family, about Betty or Bud? They're much more interesting than elephants. Not to me, they're not. There. Now we can open the door. Here you are, Kathy. Two cans of tuna fish. I didn't want any tuna fish. Your mother does. Take them upstairs like a good girl. Gee whiz. Millions of animals in the world knifed to write about Betty and Bud. Now, see this rod, bud? Dad, that's the one... This is the rod I used to land the biggest musky ever taken out of Little Star Lake. Dad. Yes, sir. The guide said it was the biggest musky he'd ever seen. Dad. What a day that was. Dad. I waited till he struck. Then I set my reel and zoomed. What? Good grief. The whole top of the... Did you want something, bud? The hook's caught in the billiard table. Thank you very much. I tried to tell you, but every time I said, Dad, you... But we... We don't have to let your mother know about this, do we? We don't? No. We'll cover the table and tomorrow we'll stop in and make arrangements for a man to come out and fix it sometime when she isn't at home. We will? I know a place where they do that sort of thing. Fix billiard tables, you know. You do? Yes, it's right next to a store that sells gym shoes. It is? We'll go down and make arrangements together, okay? You bet, Dad. I've always wanted to see a place where they fix billiard tables. Yes. Well, let's get the table covered up. Daddy! We'll be right there, kitten. Dad! That's fine, baby. But how do you shoot a billiard? How do you shoot a billiard? Well, word, Kathy, she seems to have a one-track mind when it comes to her school composition. Well, I know how it is to get all wrapped up in a subject that's near and dear to your heart. For example, coffee's my subject, and I think you'll agree with me that the enjoyment of truly good coffee is one of the most satisfying pleasures of everyday life. That's why it seems a shame to settle for less than the wonderful good to the last drop flavor of Maxwell House coffee. Now, the reason no other coffee tastes like Maxwell House is because no other coffee is made like Maxwell House. You see, there are all kinds and grades of coffee beans growing all over the world. Most of them are short on flavor. But Maxwell House is made first and foremost from the extra-flavor coffees, the kind that are carefully nurtured on mile-high plateaus in Latin America. Of these, the Maxwell House people select fancy Manizales coffees for fragrant mellowness, superb medallins for extra richness, and choice Bucaramangas coffees for fine, full body. Then these choice vintage coffees are blended in just the right proportions to produce that one and only good to the last drop flavor. And, ma'am, it's because of that wonderfully tempting, truly fine flavor that more people buy and enjoy our Maxwell House coffee than any other brand at any price. But do this, pour yourself one cup of our flavorful Maxwell House coffee and see if you don't say, that man was so ripe. Maxwell House is the one, the only coffee, that's always good to the last drop. It's a funny thing, the way situations can get out of hand, I mean. A single snowflake becomes an avalanche, a tiny spark becomes a raging fire, and a billiard table, well, is no telling what can happen with that, especially when it's a billiard table that belongs to the Andersons, like this. Bud! I'm in the den, Dad. Well, come out of the den, I want to talk to you. Okay, Dad, as soon as I finish this chapter. Bud! I'll be right there. As soon as he finishes the chapter. Gosh, Dad, I only had eight and a half pages to go. Never mind, you could... What happened to your shoes? Any shoes, since when do you walk around in your bare feet? Oh, well, you see, I think there's a rough place in my new gym shoes, and I got a blister on my heel, and I figured if I went around this way... The man said those shoes weren't right for your feet, but you had to have them, didn't you? Well, gosh, Dad, all the other fellas... It's all right with me, they're your feet, and if you want to have blisters... Well, they'll be okay, Dad. I just have to get used to them, that's all. Well, hurry up, or you'll have a cold winter. Bud, the man from the repair shop is coming to fix the billiard table this afternoon. Oh? I'm going to give you a job. I want you to keep Betty and Kathy out of here. How do I do that? If necessary, by sitting on them. Both of them? Bud. Oh, you don't want them to see the billiard table. I don't know. There are some days... You bet, Dad, I'll keep them out if I have to sit on them. I think I made a mistake. Want me to sit on Mom, too? You won't have to worry about your mother. She'll be at a PTA meeting all afternoon. Jim! Oh, no. Short afternoon, huh, Dad? She distinctly told me, we're in here, honey. Jim, we've got to do something about this child. What child? Oh, that child. Shall I sit on her now, Dad? You behave yourself. What's the matter, honey? She dragged me out of the meeting at Lucille Hathaway's and I can't make head or tail of anything she says. Maybe she swallowed a fire siren. Jim, this is not a joking matter. I can see that. What seems to be the trouble, Kitten? What did she say? I don't know. She's been doing that for 15 minutes. Now, Dad? No, Bud. Not now. After a dozen times and all I get is that outlandish wail. Kitten, we want to help you, but we can if you won't tell us what's wrong. She can't keep this up forever, can she? I don't know. I don't even know what's wrong with her. The teacher told her to take her composition of the principal and once she got back, there wasn't anything left. How do you know? That's what she just said. Well, look, Kathy, let's calm down and talk this thing over. Kathy. Yes, Daddy? Why did your teacher tell you to take your composition to the principal? I don't know, but he said it was very funny. Then why all the hysterics? And what wasn't left? If you'll just tell us what you want, maybe we can do something about it. Oh, shut up. Holy cow, Dad. Kathy, won't you please tell us? She didn't have any right to give all the jobs away. What jobs? On the weenie rows. Oh, for heaven's sake. This will probably amaze you, but I still don't know what anybody's talking about. Why don't I just sit on her? Why don't you... Margaret, what weenie rows? Kathy's class is having a picnic on Saturday, and Mrs. Lindsey promised she could be a helper. And while I was up with the principal, she gave all the jobs away. Oh, I'm sure it slipped her mind, Angel. Honey, what kind of a job is she talking about? Well, you know, Dad, the usual things at a picnic. Picking up paper and collecting garbage, you know. You mean that's why she was having hysterics? She's nuts. Kathy. Yes, Mommy? How will it be if I call Mrs. Lindsey and remind her? But all the jobs are taken. Well, I'm sure she can think of something. Shall I try? Okay. That's a good girl. Now you go into the kitchen and wash your face, and I'll call Mrs. Lindsey. Yes, Mommy. And tell her she promised. I'll tell her, dear. Poor Angel. Margaret, would you mind making the call from the Davises? The Davises? Why, Jim, whatever for? Well, I'm expecting an important phone call, and I've got to keep the line open. You know how it is. But this will only take a few seconds, dear, and I'm sure... But he's liable to call any second, and... It's a very important phone call, Mom. Isn't it, Dad? Yes, very. All right, I'll go next door. But I must say you're all being quite mysterious. Why don't you take Kathy with you? Kathy can stay here. I'll be right back. Take your time, honey. Look, Bud. Oh, my gosh, the man's here. I'll go let him in. No, wait. We've got to get rid of... Oh. Hello, Kathy. The doorbell rang. I know. Uh... Now shall I sit on her? No. Kathy. Yes, Daddy? Why don't you and Bud go outside and have a nice game of, uh, catch? I can't go outside, Dad. I haven't got any shoes on. Bud, for the love of Pete... Why hasn't he got any shoes on? Never mind, Kathy. Say, I've got a wonderful idea. Why don't you go next door and help your mother? The doorbell rang again. We'll take care of it later. But it rang twice. Bud, did you, uh, tell Kathy about the sleigh ride? What sleigh ride? The one we're going on next week. We're going on a sleigh ride? There isn't any snow. We're expecting snow. The, uh, paper said we'd have snow any day. In September? Yes. They're, uh, all very surprised. Golly, I didn't know. But we can't go on a sleigh ride unless I can find my tire chains. Can we, Kathy? Can't we? Of course not. So you go up to the attic and look for the chains. Okay. Gosh, I didn't know we were going on a sleigh ride. Golly! Oh, the things you have to do. What if Kathy finds the tire chains? She won't find them in the attic because they happen to be in the garage. Oh. Oh, my gosh. I forgot all about the man. I'll let him in, Dan. Never mind. I'll let him in myself. I just wanted to help. You've helped quite enough. Mr. Anderson? I'm awfully sorry. We kept you waiting. Come on in. Thank you. Mr. Anderson. Why don't you go right down to the playroom? I beg your pardon. I haven't time to explain now, but, well, I don't want my wife to find out about the billiard table. I should think not. But don't forget what I said about Betty. I'm to sit on her. Just keep her out of here. A man who fails to provide his family with the bare necessities of life and then has the nerve to buy a billiard table. It's right down in the... What was that? I've seen a great many things in my time, Mr. Anderson, but nothing like this. Like what? A boy without shoes, a child without food, and you squander your money on a billiard table. I've got shoes. Wait a minute, bud. Look, if this is your idea of how to win friends and influence customers, do you want to fix the billiard table or don't you? Mr. Anderson, I happen to represent the Children's Welfare Society of Springfield. Oh, well, I... Who? My name is Quinn. Emory H. Quinn. And I represent the Children's Welfare Society of Springfield. Holy cow. I'm sorry, Mr. Quinn. This whole thing is quite unfortunate, you see. I was expecting someone else. So I gathered. Well, what can I do for you? Mr. Anderson, let's not play games. All right, what would you like to do? I should like to receive a full and detailed explanation of this composition written by your daughter. What? Titled, My Family. Let me see that. You'll find it most interesting, Mr. Anderson, a son who has denied shoes, a daughter crying for food. Mr. Quinn, this whole thing is preposterous, isn't it, bud? Sure, I've got shoes. They give me blisters, that's all. He's got lots of shoes, haven't you, bud? I'd just like to go barefoot. Bud, the loyalty of a son in spite of everything. What do you mean, in spite of everything? I've given him anything he's ever wanted. Haven't I, bud? Well... Bud. This is no time to worry about a gasoline scooter. Father. Here's my older daughter. She'll tell you how ridiculous the whole thing is. Betty? Father, can't... Betty, will you tell this gentleman... I'll scrub floors, I'll chop wood, I'll do anything, but please, give me money for my lunch. Mr. Quinn, you just don't understand. Daddy? Kathy, I want you to tell this man... I couldn't find the chains, Daddy. Chains? Tire chains for the snow. But I found a buggy whip, and that's even better. You beat them. I don't beat them. I've never beaten them in their lives. Chains and whips for the sleigh ride. That's what they're for, aren't they, kids? Sure. That's right. Sleigh rides in September? I'll do any... Mr. Anderson. Jim. Wait a minute. Here's my wife. She'll tell you that the whole thing is a mistake. Well... Jim, it worked out beautifully. Will you please explain to this man... Angel, we don't have to worry about a thing. I got Kathy a job washing dishes. These days, ma'am, I know just how carefully you shop for coffee. More than ever, you're on the lookout for the most in flavor. And we're pretty doggone, sure. You can't beat the flavor of our Maxwell House coffee. Wonderful, good to the last drop flavor. Flavor so good that more people buy and enjoy our Maxwell House coffee than any other brand at any price. But tell you what you do. Next time you pour coffee, fill the cups with the fragrant goodness of our Maxwell House. One sip, and you'll know you've found the best coffee flavor you've ever tasted. As for value, well, just count all the truly good cups you get from each pound. You'll say there's no better coffee buy. This weekend, then, for the most in flavor and value, take home that familiar blue tin with a big white cup and drop. That's Maxwell House, the one coffee that's always good to the last drop. It's dinner time in Springfield, and the Andesons are gathered for their evening meal. And a pretty quiet meal it is, considering that it's the Andesons. To wit? Pass the potatoes to your father, Betty. Yes, Mother. I've never spent such a miserable day in my whole life. Have some potatoes, Father. Thank you. Everybody thought I was being initiated or something. Bringing my lunch. Betty, if it's just the same to you... What's she kicking about? It wasn't bad enough I got a blister on my heel. When I took my shoes off, I stepped on a thumbtack. But why don't we just forget it? What did the principal say, Daddy? Never mind. Eat your dinner. You might as well tell her, Jim. He got your composition mixed up with a bunch of welfare reports. That's how the whole horrible thing happened. And they know you really aren't a mean old daddy, don't they? Well, I don't think Mr. Quinn will ever be quite sure. Oh, I'm going to fix that. Kathy, please. Don't do me any favors. But I have to write another composition anyway. And I'm going to write this one about my father. Kitten, I've got a much better idea. Yeah? Much better. Did I ever tell you about the time I went tiger hunting in Africa? I don't think so. There aren't any tigers in Africa. That's right, because I shot them all. Did you say something, Margaret? Go ahead, dear. You're doing fine. Thank you. Better make notes, Kathy. Okay. Well, this was quite a few years ago. Africa was pretty well overrun with tigers at the time, and I decided to do something about it. Taking my trusty six bucks. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Robert Young, and I'd like to speak to you for just a moment about messages of hope, words of truth, the deadliest enemies of communism. Through Radio Free Europe, they're striking deep behind the iron curtain. Your dollars can help build new stations, more powerful transmitters to spread truth still further. Join your local crusade for freedom, or send your contribution to crusade for freedom, Empire State Building, New York City. Thank you. Join us again next week when we'll be back with Father Knows Best, starring Robert Young as Jim Anderson, with Roy Bargy in the Maxwell House Orchestra, in our cast where Norma Jean-Nilson as Kathy, Dorothy Lovett, Rhoda Williams, Ted Donaldson, Herb Butterfield, and yours truly, Bill Foreman. So until next Thursday, good night and good luck from the makers of Maxwell House, America's favorite brand of coffee, always good to the last drop. Father Knows Best was transcribed in Hollywood and written by Ed James. Join Mr. Keen, Tracer of Lost Persons, tonight on NBC.