 The Jack Benny program, transcribed and presented by Lucky Strike, nothing, no nothing beats better taste. Lucky's taste better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. Lucky's taste better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. Remember that, friends, for real smoking enjoyment, nothing, no nothing beats better taste. And Lucky's taste better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. I'd like to explain just why that is. So let's start where Lucky's do, with good tasting tobacco. You just have to have Lucky's fine, light, naturally mild tobacco to begin with, or you'll never wind up with Lucky's better taste. And friends, remember this, Lucky's are made better to taste better, to taste cleaner, fresher and smoother. That's the secret of real smoking enjoyment. Lucky's fine tobacco in a cigarette that's made better to taste better, to give you a cleaner, fresher, smoother tasting smoke. So be happy, go Lucky, and get the better taste you're entitled to. When you stop at a cigarette counter, stop and consider this, nothing, no nothing beats better taste. Lucky's taste better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. Lucky's taste better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. For Lucky's strike means, fine tobacco, richer tasting, fine tobacco. Lucky's taste better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. Lucky's strike, Lucky's strike. The Lucky Strike program starring Jack Benny, with Mary Livingston, Rochester, Dennis Day, Bob Crosby, the sportsman for Ted and yours truly, Don. Ladies and gentlemen, let's go out to Jack Benny's house in Beverly Hills. And even though this is only the first week in December, Jack is preparing to mail his Christmas cards early. Well, let me see, Rochester, who else do I want to send a Christmas card to? Oh yes, put down Joan Crawford, Barbara Stanwy. A little slow, boss, I can't write that fast. Oh, oh, I'm sorry. Joan Crawford. Barbara Stanwy. Barbara. Yasha Heifett. Yasha? Boss, do you send a Christmas card to Yasha Heifett? Well, certainly. After all, we have a lot in common. You know, as a matter of fact, last year, Mr. Heifett sent me a string off the violin he used when he gave a concert in Carnegie Hall. Oh yeah, I remember. By the way, Rochester, what did I do with that string? You put it in your pajamas. Tonight remind me to put some rosin on it, the knot slip. Wait a minute, if the violin string is in my pajamas, where's the pajama string? On your violin. Now let's get on with this list. Oh, there's one Christmas card I must send out to General Eisenhower. Do you know his address? No. Oh, I know, I'll address the envelope this way. General Dwight D. Eisenhower, Washington, D.C. Care of Harry Truman, please hold. I'll send one to President Truman, too. Mark that one, please forward. Now let's see, who else should I... Rochester, was that the front door, buzzer? Yes, sir. There it goes again. You made the beds this morning. Yes, yes, I did. It's your turn. Answer the door now. Yes, sir. Coming! Livingston, hello, Mr. Crawford. Hello, Rochester. Mr. Benny in? Oh yes, he's in the den. He's been working all day addressing Christmas cards. He sold that many, huh? All these are his personal cards. The ones he's sending to his friends. Am I on the list? Oh yes, Miss Livingston. And next to your name is a notation, wristwatch. Hmm, wristwatch, huh? And next to Mr. Crosby's name is Gold Cufflinks. Hey, Mary, isn't that wonderful? A wristwatch next to your name and Gold Cufflinks next to mine. Bob, don't get excited. Jack is just trying to guess what he's going to get from us. Well, that old blue-eyed fox. Oh, come on, Bob. Let's go in the den. Okay. Hello, Jack. Huh? Oh, hello, Mary. Hi, Jack. Hello, Cufflinks. I mean, hello. What are you doing? Oh, I'm addressing some Christmas cards. Mary, do you think I ought to send a card? Mary, do you think I ought to send a card? Jack, that's the door buzzer. So what? I made the beds this morning. Rochester. Oh yes! Come in! Well, I could have done that. Everybody! In here, Dennis and the Dan. Oh, hello, Mr. Benny. Hello, Mary. Hello, Bob. Hello, Dennis. Hi, kid. Hello, Dennis. Hey, Mr. Benny, I got a big surprise for you. A surprise? Yeah, I don't know whether you know it or not, Mr. Benny, but I'm a member of the Elks Club. Oh, I know that. And every year we give an award to the one whom we select as the outstanding personality on radio and television. Well, since I was the one who nominated you and campaigned for you, I felt that I should be the one to come over here and tell you. Well, certainly. You lost. I lost? But believe me, Mr. Benny, the way it turned out, you don't have to feel bad. I don't? Nah, you didn't even come close. But you got one vote. Well, thanks anyway, kid. Don't thank me. I voted for Chef Milani. Dennis, for heaven's sake, if you nominated me and campaigned for me, why did you vote for Chef Milani? I thought it was time for a change. That I can't understand at all. Look, Dennis, I bet you came over here and made that whole thing up. You don't even belong to the Elks. Oh, yes, I do, Mr. Benny. And they told me I'm one of the most important members they've got. A silly kid like you, why would you be even important to the Elks? Well, every time they take in a new member, they pull out one of my teeth. Dennis, I don't want any more trouble from you. Just let me hear the song you're going to do on the program. Okay, but I might whistle a little a new member joint today. All right, whistle, but do it. Let's hear the song. I'm handing you no money the likes you never know it's Christmas in Killarney with all of the folks at home. It was cousin of Laherty Uncle O'Shaughnessy, Michael, my brother, and Auntie McGee, and father and mother were all in a dither with me. It's nice enough to kiss your hoe while traveling under the mistletoe and Santa Claus, you know, of course, is one of the... It was Pari de la Hanty who dressed up like Santa and gave out the presents like he always does. But Johnny McGee, when he sat on his knee, tried to pull off his whiskers to see who it was. The door is always open the neighbors pay a call and Father John, before he's gone, will bless the house and all. How grand it feels to click your heels and join the fun of the jigs and reels I'm handing you no money the likes you never know. Don't call me kid. What? I've been with you twelve years and you keep calling me kid. What do you want me to call you? Mr. Day. You want me to call you Mr. Day? Yeah, that's what my mother calls my father. That's ridiculous. Why would your mother call your father Mr.? Since I was born, they haven't been such good friends. I can understand. Sometimes I... Come in. Don, where were you last night? Why, what do you mean? Well, you should have been with us. Gee, Jack took us all to the movies. We went to the pantages to see the happy time. That's right, Don. I treated the gang to dinner and everything. Dinner too? Gosh, where'd you eat? In the theater. He bought us popcorn. Oh, stop. I suppose you think they give you those candy bars. Did you like the happy time? Uh-huh. You know, Don, in fact, I liked it so much, I think we may do a sketch about it on our program. Well, Jack, do you think that our cast will fit the characters in the picture? Oh, they'd be marvelous, Don. You see, the leading role in the happy time is played by Charles Boyer. Oh, and he was just wonderful. That's right. You see, Don, in this picture, Charles Boyer is the father of a family. He's in show business and plays the violin. Come to think of it, I probably would have fit the part much better than he did. I wonder why they didn't call me when they were casting the picture. Well, maybe they didn't know you were available, Jack. He's been available since the horn blows at midnight. I've had offers since then, sister. The matter of fact, I played a small but very important part in a picture called Somebody Loves Me. It's the life story of Blossom, Sealy, and Benny Fields. Oh, I saw that picture, Mr. Benny. You appeared as yourself, didn't you? Yes, Dennis. I played the part of Jack Benny. I thought it was lousy casting. The word here is bad. I don't know where he put lousy. For me, I'm working for him. Dennis, one more crack like that. I'm gonna join the Elks. Now, what were we talking about? The happy time. You said you wanted to do it on radio. Oh, yes. Now, Don, Boyer's wife in the picture could be married, and they had a 12-year-old son who was very much like Dennis. I'm older than that. Physically, yes. Now, Don, there were all sorts of wonderful characters in the happy time, including Uncle Louis, an eccentric who always goes around drinking from a water cooler filled with wine. Bob, do you think you could play that part? Well, I don't know, Jack. You see, I don't drink. But Bob, this is only wine. Yeah, but you can get stinking on that stuff, too. I guess so. Don't forget he's a Frenchman, too. You play a Frenchman. Well, Bob, play that part anyway, but don't overact with him. Ah, the characters sound fine, but what about the story? Would that be appropriate for a sketch? Oh, the story would be perfect, Don. You see, the happy time takes place in the year 1924 in Ottawa, Canada. The scene is the home of Jack Buenar and his family. The story opens one day where Jack's practicing his violin. What is it, Marie? You're practicing me. I thought you'd walk with us to see a headache. That is right, Moschere. But the headache is all gone. I feel better. Why did you take party? An Alka Salsa. Listen to him, Fizz. It is driving me crazy. Well, darling, if I do not practice, I will not be able to complete the symphony I am working on. I'm going to call it... What a lovely title. When you say I beg your pardon, then I, too, will come back. You're talking with this violin. You're a pyjama string. She is out of tune. Where is Grand Papa? Your Papa, he is sleeping late. He was out all night again. Here he is now. Good morning, Papa. You were out late again last night. Were you not? Wee-wee. You were out with a girl? Wee-wee. Was she pretty? Wee-wee. What was her name? Pee-pee. Pee-pee? Papa, I think tonight for once you do not go out. You go to sleep early. But no, I must go out tonight. My girlfriend is giving me a birthday party. Oh, that is right. This is your birthday. How old are you, Papa? Thirty-nine. Oh, yes. Wait a minute, Jacques. How old are you? Thirty-nine. Jacques, how can you and your Papa both be thirty-nine? You are right, Marie. It is ridiculous for Papa to say he is thirty-nine. I will talk to him. Papa, tell me why we are the same age? Oh, my dear, I am the first one. Oh. What did Papa say? He said he got there first. It is his. Well, I have to be going. Goodbye, Papa. Don't stay out too late. That same song. It is a new number we are going to do in the theater. A solo? No, not exactly. You see, I start on the violin, then a quartet joins in, and, Marie, it will sound something like this. Beautiful, Jacques. Ah, here is Uncle Louis. Hello, Jacques. Hello, Marie. Oh, what a day. Where can I put my cooler of wine? He used to speak French good, but he spent Christmas in Calarni. Louis, I am curious. For years I have seen you carry that cooler around. I have seen you carry that cooler around. I have seen you carry that cooler around. I have seen you carry that cooler around. Tell me, what kind of wine do you keep in it? Manet. Manet Bordeaux? Manet Cheveve. Cheveve? Why do you not try to change? Why do you associate with people like, like that guitar player? You mean Francois Remlis? Yes, that Francois Remlis. That pillow is one of the worst. Wait, wait a minute, Jacques. Francois Remlis is not as bad as you think. In fact, he is quite the gentleman. What do you mean, Moschere? Well, yesterday after he rained, there was a big puddle of water on Zee Boulevard. And so that I would not get my feet wet, Monsieur Remlis let me step on his coat. He did not let you. He just happened to be lying there. Tomorrow it could be Monsieur Bagby. So do not think that, ah, our son Denise is home, is home from school. Hello, Mama. Hello, Papa. Hello, Uncle Louis. Hello, Denise. How did you do with your studies today, Denise? Well, Jacques, you do not have to worry about how our son does in school. He is, as the Americans say, pretty sharp. Marie Moschere. It does not necessarily mean a boy is sharp because his head, it come to a point. He is, as the American also say, a jerk. Merci beaucoup, Papa. You are welcome. I am going to my room. I am making a handkerchief box for Mignonette. Oh, oh, Zee, little boy is in love with Zee Maid. Denise in love with our maid? Is this true? Yes, Mama. But son, you cannot be in love with Zee Maid. You are only 12. Mentally, yes. He's serious. I think you should have a talk with Zee Maid. Very well. Where is Mignonette? She's in the kitchen. I will go see her. Excuse me. Imagine my little boy, Denise, in love with the maid. But I cannot blame Denise for being in love with Mignonette. She is not an ordinary maid. She used to be a dancer in the theater. Hello, Mignonette. Mignonette, put down those fans and get off the ironing. I wish to talk to you about my son, Denise. It is about time, monsieur. You know he has the popular crush on me. I do not know why. I only kissed him once. Wait a minute, Mignonette. If you kiss the boy, then you encourage him. Oh, no, monsieur. It was not a real kiss. It was just a little one. Like this. Here. I will show you. Was not much. No, no, it was nothing. Help me down off the ironing. I do not know what to do about my son. Monsieur Bonard, your Denise is growing up. You should have a talk with him and tell him the facts of life. You are right. I shall go to his room. Oh, there's no need to go. Here he is now. Hello, Mignonette. Hello, papa. Our father wishes to talk with you. I shall leave you two alone. Now, Denise, I wish to have a talk with you. Mignonette told me that you kissed her. That is right, papa. Denise, my boy, there is something you should know about life. Yes, papa. There comes a time in a father's life when he must have a man-to-man talk with his son. What is it, papa? I will explain. When I was a young man, I met your mama. I asked her to go out with me. I met her. I got a job. She waited for me. I worked till I could afford a diamond ring. Then I proposed to her. She accepted me. Then we were married. And then you got me. Yes. It was hardly worth it. But this is the way it is with love, son. Even with the birds and the bees. I think I understand, papa. Now go outside and play. Yes, papa. Well, I am glad that he's over. He is so young, impressionable. I am glad I was able to make him understand. He is a good boy. And someday... Papa! Papa! Denise, my boy, what is the matter? Your lips are all swollen. You and your crazy bees. That could only happen to my son, Denise. Last year, more than a quarter of a million homes were ravaged by fire. Thousands of Americans lost their lives. And most of these fires were caused by someone's carelessness. So be extremely careful with fire. Replace all defective electrical wiring in your home. Don't smoke in bed. And be sure that every match or cigarette is out. Remember only you can prevent fire. Thank you. That will be back in just a moment. But first, nothing. Beats better taste. Lucky tastes better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. Lucky tastes better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. Yes, when it comes to your own enjoyment of a cigarette, nothing. No, nothing beats better taste. And luckies taste better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. You can prove that to yourself when you smoke luckies. Or you can ask any lucky smoker. Or take college students from coast to coast. A nationwide survey in 80 leading colleges based on actual student interviews reveals that far more smokers in these colleges prefer luckies than any other cigarette. And that's by a wide margin. What's more, Lucky Strike gained far more smokers in these colleges than the nation's two other principal brands combined. And the number one reason the students gave for smoking luckies was better taste. Yes, indeed. And because luckies do taste better, they'll make a wonderful gift for all the smokers on your Christmas list. Besides, you can now get luckies in the bright and cheery new Christmas cartons, created by Raymond Lowey, the world-famous designer. You'll find it at any cigarette counter. So make it a lucky Christmas. Give everyone a colorful Christmas carton of Lucky Strike. Be happy, go lucky. Be happy, get better taste. Be happy, go lucky. For Christmas gifts this year. Don, Don, that will give you a rough idea of the picture the happy time. But you ought to see it. You'll enjoy it. There are a lot of characters that I didn't tell you. Where's the phone? I'll get it. Hello? Yes, he's here. You want to talk to him? What? Yes. Yes, I'll give him the message. Goodbye. Dennis? Yes, Pepe? On the way to your Elks meeting tonight, get some Nova Cane, a new member just joined. Good night, folks. Jack Benny Program is written by Sam Perrin, Milt Josephsburg, George Volger, John Packaberry, and produced and transcribed by Hillard Mark. Jack Benny Program is brought to you by Lucky Strike, product of the American Tobacco Company, America's leading manufacturer of cigarettes. Thank you and friends, and Andy, you follow immediately on the CBS Radio Network.