 Hello everybody. This is Don Bester speaking. Jack Benny hasn't arrived yet, but we have finally located him on the 20th century train nearing New York. So we will now take you to the 20th century to Jack Benny and his 19th century joke. Stay welcome to hear that crack Don Bester just made, trying to be funny. I wish we were in already. Well Jack, we'll soon be in New York. Are you glad to get back? You bet I am Don. I like New York. You know the first thing I'll do is take a nice cool ride in the subway, get a home cooked meal in the automap, and then a dip in the ocean. What beach do you go to Jack? Coney Island, very exclusive there, you know. So where do you go to cool off Don? Oh, I generally hop in the bathtub in my apartment. Hmm, you like exclusive places too. Magazine. Stay down at the West Park, huh? Well, there he is sitting about five feet behind us. When I rised our smiling suit, it's like a modern spring. Hey hey hey, class please, I'm trying to sleep. I'm very sorry, mister. You know I have to broadcast tonight. I'm getting my voice in shape. All right, but can't you sing a love-dying neighbor? Sure. Sure, I can sing love-dying neighbor. Me, me, me, me, me. Oh, keep on, me, me, me, me. When I resize a smiling suit, it's like a modern spring. You can have the whole feed. Goodbye. Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba. All good, sir? All out, public, okay, sir. Leave down these last few hours and the trains seem long, don't they? Well, they sure do. Pardon me, friend, sir. Is this seat is taken? No, no, sit right down. Thank you. Slepperman is my name. Irving P. Slepperman. And- and you? Jack Denney. I'm glad to know you, mister Maya. Are you going to New York? Yes, this is Mr. Wilson, Don Wilson. Hello. Likewise to you. Do you, uh, you gentlemen smoke cigars? Yes, yes, yes. Well, don't get the ashes on my coat, please. So you gentlemen are both going to New York, eh? Yep. So am I. I have to go on the pressing business. Is that so? What line are you in? I told you, pressing business. Oh, and how is the pressing business? Very depressing. Oh, oranges, apples, pears, all kinds of fruit. Any apples, the pears, mister? Here, I'll have an apple. How about you, Mr. Sleperman, have an apple? No, thanks. I just had some herring, and I don't want to lose the taste. Ah, go ahead, take one, sir. All right, all right, I'll be social. Say, Jack. Oh, hello, Mary. Where have you been? I've been playing bridge in the next car, and I need some more money. Oh, lost your money? Playing bridge, eh? Yeah, I had a full house, and the woman next to me had four queens. You'll stay out of those kind of bridge games. Mary, this is Mr. Sleperman. Mr. Sleperman, this is Mary Livingston. Hello, Slep. I'm glad to know you, Miss Livingston. That's Livingston, Livingston. Livingston, livingston, as long as you're healthy. OK, that's my line. Say, Mary, get Parker over here, will you? We ought to have a little chat. OK. OK, that's my line. Say, Mary, get Parker over here, will you? We ought to have a little rehearsal for tonight's broadcast. You'll pardon us, Mr. Sleperman. I like that. OK, sit, all out for a kiss, sit. Now, listen, Mary, we're joining Don Besser in his orchestra again tonight, and I want you to tell some new jokes with Don. You know, for the first program. Oh, yeah, that's right. What do I say, Jack? Well, for the first joke, you say to Don how many hairs on a monkey's face, see? And he'll say, I don't know how many. And then you say, next time you shave, count them. You see? You know that, sir. See, that's good. But does Don know that one? No, he doesn't know what time it is. Now, don't forget that joke. Leave it to me, Jack. Say, Wilson, have you rehearsed your part for tonight's broadcast? Oh, yes, Jack, but I'll run over it once more to be sure. Blow out proofs, generals, with their low-priced, air-confident safety can be purchased on convenience terms to the general's hire dealers. How's that, Jack? Oh, I knew you'd have that. By the way, what time is it now, Don? 25 minutes to 11. 25 minutes to 11? I better send a telegram right away. Oh, Porter, Porter. Yes, sir. Send a telegram for me right away, will you please? Yeah, well, where to? Don Bester, care of the general-tire program, NBC Studio, New York. How many words? Two. What are they? Pray, Don. So, Porter, what time do we arrive in New York? 10.45. Daylight saving time, sir. That's 9.45 standard time, isn't it? Yes, sir, but we's hour late and that gets you right on time. Yeah. Has he got a dialect? Oh, no. You're talking. You know, Don, I'm getting nervous. We're liable... You know, we're liable to... We're liable to miss that program tonight. What time have you got, Jack? I don't know. Hey, Sleperman, what time is it? My watch says 2.15. 2.15? Where'd you set that watch? In Russia. Somehow, are you Russian? No, but I'd like to get in already. I don't blame you. I've been riding all the way from Hollywood. From Hollywood, California? That's a place... You can see all the movie stars there? Sure, sure. Tell me, what kind of a girl is that Zuzu Pot? That Zazu Pit. Zazu Pit, that's who it is. What's the difference? As long as you're healthy. I'm glad I got that. Okay, all out for a look at this. Now we're getting someplace. Mary, answer that phone. There's no phone on the train, Jack. Train or no train, answer that phone. Oh, all right. Hello? Hello, I want to talk to that guy in the second seat. It's for you, Jack. Must be Don Bester. Hello? Hello, say, what are you going to do about this huge murder case? Oh, for heaven's sake. Can't you wait till we get to the studio? Who's this talking? All right, I give in. This is Sergeant O'Hare, remember? Who? O'Hare, O'Hare. I don't get the name. O'Hare, what have you got on your head? A nice pack, was I drunk last night? All right, all right. What do you want? Well, listen, we left this murder case in your hands. Is there anything new? No, anything new with you? No. Well, then, goodbye. We'll certainly work on it. You should live so. In this crime, we can't get away from that huge murder case. These telephone calls every week are driving me mad. But no matter where you're driving, use the general's tire, as only generals give you blow-off protection with a new silent safety tread. Cut it out, Clancy. There's no time for advertising. We've got to get to work. Ms. Donahoe. Yes, Sergeant. Wake up the phantom. He's in the back seat. Okay, sir. Hey, fathead, wake up. That's phantom, Mary. I know what I'm doing. Hey, wake up. You too, Mr. Phantom. Well, I'm glad they're all here, anyway. Hey, Sergeant. What is it, Clancy? There's several suspicious-looking characters in this train, but they know it. That's the trouble. Well, if we can only get a stool pigeon. That's it, Clancy. Where can we find a stool pigeon? Here's a stool, Sergeant. Now, if we can only get a pigeon. Magazines, all the late murder mysteries. The green room murder, blue room murder, murder at the vanities, and just plain murder. Murder, Mr. Hey, boy, how much for the green room murder? One dollar. That's murder, too. Look at this. All else, look at this. Are we here again? I've got an idea, Clancy. What is it, Sergeant? I'll have this guy here get some information for us. Now, listen, you. Are you talking to me? Yes, I'm talking to you. I'm Sergeant O'Hare from police headquarters. You get me? Likewise. Now, listen, everybody on this train knows me, so I want you to stay here and mix with these mugs and get the low down. You understand? Now, I'll be in the back seat, and if you get any clues, just holler, Yoo-hoo! But don't let anybody hear you. I got you, Steven. Come on, Clancy. Can I go, too? Yes, Miss Donahoe, and keep your eyes wide open. With my eyes wide open, I'm dreaming. Dun, dun, dun, dun dun, dun du done, dun dun, dun, boom. Answer that phone for me, Slap. Hello? Hello, who is this? Sergeant O'Harewitz. O? O'Harewitz, O'Harewitz. O'Hare, O'Hasht Sciase? Not what. Read. Wrong number. Goodbye. Likewise. O'Kip's sis. All out! One, again, we're never getting to New York. Let's hear what's going on. We're late. And now, Frank Parker, your favorite tender will sing. I never had a chance. Frank Parker, how did he get there? He got out of Poughkeepsie and walked in. Oh, sing, Frank, sing, sing. But with Frank Parker singing, I never had a chance. I'll say Frank. Isn't Jack here yet? No, he's still on the train. I left him in Poughkeepsie. Well, I guess we'll have to tune in on the train again. Miss Donohue, what patient was that we just had? South Poughkeepsie. Anyone get on the train? Yes, two suspicious-looking characters with long beards. Let him alone. That's a Smith brother. They were coughing. I know, but we're working for General Tire. Hey, Clancy, who's that fellow walking towards our stool pigeon? I don't know, sirs, but he's been hiding in the baggage car since Chicago. Oh, yeah, looks like a tough egg. What nationality do you think he is? He looks like a slob. Well, that should help us slob this murder case. He's falling right into our trap at the stool pigeon. Quiet. Quiet. Next station for Kipsie, and all is well. Quiet. Hey, buddy, is this seat taken? No, seat right down. Thanks. Nice day, ain't it? Who knows? They're going to a tunnel. Hey, what line of business are you in, partner? In the pressing business, but at the pressing time, I'm a stool pigeon. That's right, Slap. Get to the point. Hey, what business are you in, friendzah? Well, you look like a fella I can talk to. Can you keep a secret? Sure, that means in one ear and on top of the other. Clancy, I think he's getting someplace. Well, buddy, I tell you, I caught a guy in New York about ten weeks ago, and I ducked out of town with a heat cooler. But don't tell the buddy things. Tell? Don't be foolish. Yoo-hoo! Yoo-hoo. Quiet, Mary. Get ready, Clancy, that's a... Hey, hey, hey, what are you hollering Yoo-hoo for? Do you play pinnacle? I want you to meet a couple of friends of mine. Well, be careful what you do around here. I'll take this 38 a minute and I'll plug you. Yoo-hoo! What'd you say? For heaven's sake, Yoo-hoo! Come on, Clancy, that's a... That's him, Clancy. Put the bracelets on him, quick. See, they're cute. Wear them in the good health crooks. Hey, hey, hey, what's all this about? I arrest you for the murder of Mr. Stuge. Now listen, you might as well come clean. You killed Mr. Stuge, didn't you? Well, yeah, I guess you got me. Yeah, I killed him, but I didn't mean it. Oh, you didn't mean it, eh? Now tell us how it happened. Well, Mr. Stuge was a darn good friend of mine. We were both in love with the same guy. I see, great tales, eh? I liked him like a brother. Of course. Yeah, we had lots of laughs together. We used to rub each other. I remember when I took a nap, he'd light a match and he'd stick it in the soul of my shoe. You know, we used to do that, too. You remember, Barry? Some fun, I'll say. Then I used to get even with him by putting iodine in his coffee. You know, just for the kid. Now tell me, listen, how did you come to kill him? Well, I'll tell you, I was going hunting and I had an old gunner wanted to try out. Yeah, go on. So I fired a few shots to see how she worked. And, Stuge, he was in the way, see? Well, I just wanted to scare him a little. You know, that's all. Well, you know you killed him, don't you? That is a doornail. Oh boy, do you know what you'll get for this? No. You'll get the gallows. I will. Well, as long as I'm stuck, I might as well confess. I killed eight other guys. Well, what are you laughing about, Mary? Imagine him with nine ropes around his neck. Play, Don, he's killing me, too. Play. That was who you miser you, played by your master of ceremonies, Don Vester and his orchestra. Stop, Don, stop. I'm here. That was Don Vester and his Russian Yankees. Hello, Jacks. Hello, Mary. Hello, Don. Well, well, Don, it's sure good to see you again. I'm glad to see you, too, Jack. You look swell. You have a wonderful tan. Well, it is an old tan, you know, four days on a train, you know how it is. Now, tell me, Jack, how did you do in Hollywood? How did I do in Hollywood? How did I do in Hollywood? Great, Don. You know, that $10 I borrowed from you when I left? Well, here's five of it back. How did I do in Hollywood? Well, tell me something about your picture, Jack. How is it? Great, Don. Gable isn't in it. He should have been. Is that so? Well, did you make a picture, Mary? Yes, I've got it with me. It's only a snapshot, but don't I look good? Say, Don, you're looking swell yourself. You've got a better tan than I have. You've got it out of the window. It's pretty the same sun and a little more reasonable. Yeah, that's wonderful. Mary, we must try that next summer, you know. Well, Don, I'm glad we're all back together again. Come on, let's get this program started. I'm sorry we were so late. Go ahead, Mary, remember that routine I told you on the train? Hey, Jack, I forgot. What was it again? You know, the radio routine. Come here. You say to Don, how many hairs on a monkey's face? He says, I don't know. And then you say, next time you shave, count them. Oh, yeah, yeah. Say, Don. How many hairs on a monkey's face? Well, I should say about 1,216. What do I do now, Jack? I don't know. It's the same problem we had before. The minute we get back, we have trouble. Well, Jack, you know, I just gave her a conservative estimate of the Harrison and Simeon's proboscis. Same old Don. We never will understand each other. Well, we've got to finish this half hour some way. Look at this. All of them, look at this. Hey, we're not on the train. What page are you on? 15. Well, we're on 18 already. It's a fine program. Anyway, folks, we're back in New York with the Sooch Murder Mystery Solve and next week we will have new plays, new jokes, and new Sooches. But the same general blowout-proof tire with a new silent safety trance. And the same old Wilson. You say, Jack. What is it, Parker? Can I go now? You know, I'd like to drive up and see my folks tonight. Yeah, where are they? Up at Lake Makawaka. Oh, that's a nice place. How do you get there? You go right through Poughkeepsie. Well, never mind. Good night, Frank. Oh, Jack. Now, what do you want? I wrote a poem while I was on the train all about our homecoming. Do you want to hear it? Go ahead. Anything to finish up this program? What's the title of it? The title is, See It's Great to Be Back Home Again Once More, Old Palomai, my buddy. That's a good poem. That's only the title. Oh, I see. Oh, I go ahead and read it, get it over with. You know, just finish it up. See It's Great to Be Back Home Again from that trip way out west. And see your folks once more again. The ones you love, I guess. And your dog is at the door just the week you're welcome to. And the babbling brook is waiting just for me and you and you. You and you? Yeah, that's you and welcome. Oh, I see. Go ahead, go ahead. A hidey-ho and abadabba. Blah, blah, blah, and vodio. See It's Great to Be Back Home when you have no place to go. Way down the Palomai River. Mary, Mary, it's totally like that. That makes me say play, Don. I'm not going to waste my brain on this program. I don't play.