 Hey, hey, thank you so much for joining me on another episode of talks with Tony Gonna hop right into it got an email from a young lady today, and it says hello, Tony. I Follow you on IG and I sent in a question This weekend, but didn't get a response yet. I just listened to a YouTube message on women and abstinence and Your advice on it, and I'm still sort of lost. Here's my issue Now, this is a good one because a lot of women on this abstinent journey I'm a Christian physically very attractive by most standards intelligent Friendly and a gifted person in unique ways. I was last in a serious relationship in 1992 it ended badly and I vowed celibacy following the fallout. I Had lived with a guy for just under a year and never felt relaxed about it due to my upbringing and my Relationship with Christ yet. I thought we would marry so I made the decision anyways The relationship ended in court due to his violence and his family's threats towards me a protection order against him property disputes, etc with an immediate bout With embarrassment due to public exposure and a bit of old-fashioned depression Followed the breakup Now fast forward 26 years later. I have a great job. I am a software consultant I have a few great friends no close family, but a few close extended family from church I travel regularly domestically and Internationally for work and I've been celibate since 1992 I have dated only a handful of guys since then and they were all very short-lived in duration a Couple were only one date. I used to have a great attitude about a potential future spouse But it's very difficult to maintain anymore. I have recently been diagnosed as post-menopausal Which ended my dreams of motherhood? I? Never imagined myself as unmarried and childless, but I also didn't ponder the notion with Focus either Truly, I've never imagined my life otherwise. So now at 53 But not looking a day over 35 I often feel some kind of way about my circumstance my desire to be married with my own family but Serious available like-minded men actually just don't approach me My circle often tells me how I have to compromise spiritually physically sexually financially intellectually, etc. And It is usually offensive Whoever gets me won't be compromising Anyway, the video I listened to of yours this morning was centered around women disclosing celibacy Slash abstinence I have often found myself in the position to naturally disclose to a guy But I was in the position But I was in the position recently This guy I've known for years since college resurface and express interest after being newly divorced Long story short. He started talking Sex a lot. So I felt I needed to disclose. He was dumbfounded literally I do not struggle with my body But I do expect a fulfilling sex life within marriage and have normal attractions to men in general I occasionally flirt but never overtly engaged I explain that because this guy from college spent a bit of time trying to convince me that God doesn't want me to Deny myself. It was offensive I have not heard much from him since I told him that my body belongs to my husband And if sex was what he was after he can get that anywhere My question to you is How do I determine if I should maintain a reasonable hope for a future marriage and even possible family of my own or Live a life without expectations and accept what the Lord causes or allows into my circumstance Is it possible to do both? I guess the holidays are difficult This year after a loss of family in June That void causes me to dwell on loneliness more than usual. I just never imagined my circumstance to be what it is now this is a much older Email I see as I went Far back looking trying to get the ones that I missed but when I saw the word abstinent on The subject line. No beyond celibacy is actually what she called it It caught my eye because a lot of women today are Abstaining from sex until marriage now. Here's the thing what you have to think about now In here, she said I'm Christian Physically very attractive by most standards intelligent friendly and a gifted person in unique ways So, of course, she has to describe herself for herself because I can't see her I don't know so she's trying to paint the picture My thing is is that I hear this a lot from women, but It's your perspective of yourself and from men, but it's your perspective of yourself We all can think certain things about ourselves, but we don't know how others view us like I can say hey I'm a nice guy. You know, I'm a nice guy. You know, I have a good heart, but Someone else may tell me Tony, you know, you seem standoffish. You seem unapproachable You seem like, you know, you don't want to be talked to you don't want to be touched And I'm like, wow, you know, how where'd you get that from? I'm the nicest guy in the room And so what this is is sometimes we see ourselves one way, but we don't understand perception So at this state in your life, you need more than an email. And so anybody who's going through this been celibate this woman for 26 years You need more than an email. You need more than a podcast You have a great job at this stage in your life. Why don't you have a life coach? Why don't you have a date coach? Why haven't I spoken to you and we've gone through your pictures and you Received the male perspective of what your outfits what your face what your hair What everything about you is saying what is giving off? Anytime you find yourself in a situation where you feel like everything is going right Like everything for you Looks good, but you can't figure out why you're single and why you can't meet the one you need Some outside Consulting you need to understand perception the thing. I realize the most with you know, a lot of women is Sometimes you don't realize that you're operating from a place of insecurity And that you can say I'm confident. I'm in shape. I have a good job I have all of these things but truthfully You're waiting on a type of man that That type of man is attracted to a different type of woman but you may be attracted to that type of man because This man represents the elite the alpha male the top dog The man that every woman desires, but that might not be the man for you So compromise is not a bad thing as long as you're not compromising Your self-respect and Your dignity so what happens is a lot of time we throw the word compromise out there and we say oh I don't want to compromise and you went through the list, you know friends telling you compromise spiritually Physically sexually financially intellectually so Basically what your circle is saying is like look I know You are feeling yourself But what you are waiting on in a man does not exist Jesus has not created that man So you got to understand You don't want to compromise spiritually that's the one thing But physically he may be 5 6 instead of 6 foot financially he may earn 50,000 instead of 100,000 Intellectually which is subjective. He may not have a college degree You know you're listening to me And I don't have a college degree But yet I know what I'm talking about in what I'm talking about So when we think about compromise, we have to realize that it's not always a bad Thing like you can't get in the longer a person has been single the more picky you get Because you create this list and you set these standards and you say this is what I want but You don't realize that some of the things that you're looking for Really have no bearing on a relationship really means nothing about a man You know how tall he is how financially stable he is um even sexually like You can't base it all for that because you're not having sex And then two the one thing what you said I recently was in in this situation And you're 53 years old and you told a guy That you're not having sex You know and you say you don't look a day over 35 I don't know if you're serious or you're just kind of being cute or or if that's what you think But then a man may see you and he may say, you know, she's 50 years old And so you have to understand like With all this time you've had by yourself and the way that you've fallen in love with yourself Is it coming off as arrogant? Is it coming off as oh, I know I'm misses it Or is it a humility? Is it does it still make you look humble? Like can a guy feel like he can relate to you and then this man was talking about sex He's talking about sex. So that may mean he may think that you are sexy And so the that whole episode that I talked about should you tell a man if you're waiting until marriage If you haven't heard it go back find it on youtube listen to it and really Understand what I'm trying to say and a lot of women disagree but listen. I am a man Who is 100 faithful to my wife? I am like no other relationship coach That you hear online. I show you my wife. I praise my wife. She is on a pedestal I am 100 faithful to her these other grown boys that's telling you Tell a man that you're waiting until marriage for sex. They do not know what they're talking about They did not have enough experience with women And relationships or they send you a failure because if they meet you in your dm They want to know if you're Saving sex until marriage so that they know whether to waste their time on you or not It's all a setup. Listen to me. That is your business You don't have to tell a man that he will find out the hard way when he tries to press you for sex And you turn him down and then you turn him down 10 times, but you never definitively say I'm not sleeping with you until marriage because then what you have to realize is he shuts down He shuts down because he's not in love with you and that may be part of his goal And a man does not fall in love easily So is when you remove the prize when you remove the goal It's no incentive for him to run the race That is the nature of men. You got to understand that you cannot get around that So to be honest with you that one thing Could be keeping you single is that you're telling a man who doesn't even know you Who has no real feelings for you who does not love you that his goal is unachievable and He may be okay with you not having sex until marriage if you give him some time to fall for you To get to know you to talk to to have a few conversations But if you just shoot the goal right out of the sky on date one date two He's out of there because he can't see beyond. Oh, well, let me maybe I'll be cool with if I fall in love No, he's not going to tell himself that because there's too many women And so right here in this position What you need Is keep your standards of no sex Before marriage keep that but don't wear it on your forehead Don't feel like you have to tell it and then get some feedback From an honest person who you know knows what they're talking about Your friends trying to tell you in a roundabout way. They're trying to tell you in a roundabout way like look Somewhere you're going to have to make a compromise We all have to make a compromise in some way in order to get married None of us meet the exact Person that fits every single thing You will have to compromise in at least one area sometimes two or three or four But as long as you're not compromising yourself respect Your standards meaning Sex before marriage don't compromise that And lastly It's just one thing Nine out of ten times when women come to me and they say tony I'm I'm ready to be married, but I can't meet the one Most times it is just one thing Just one Change that needs to be made So hey, I'm here for you. I have some other coaches getting ready to You know put them out there on the directory that'll be launching soon. So keep your eyes open You need a coach. You need somebody to talk to you may need to change a thing or two Here or there just to shift the energy you send it out But for the main standard of being absent until marriage do not let that go Everybody under the sound of my voice do not let that go. There are men who will weigh It is realistic. It is still happening It's the things around that decision that you may have to focus on and make a couple of changes in Hey, this tony gaskin. Thank you so much for joining me on this episode If you have a question make sure you send it into inbox at tonygaskins.com inbox at tonygaskins.com Thank you so much. We'll talk soon