 Why is today's topic so important? I think it's important because I think many of you are listening to dating advice out there that I honestly believe is crap. I wanna stick my fingers down my throat when I hear some of the rhetoric out there because it's all based on egoic game playing and it's not discussing the more important issues and that's what I wanna lean into today. So really quickly, I'm gonna put on my trusty glasses. I'm just gonna show you my notes because I wanna read from this for you all but I wanna share with you what I think is missing today in the dating conversation and that is, I think what's missing most important is a level of intentionality, intentionality in the dating process and I believe this is because hookups have replaced the genuine desire for connection and relationships. Let me repeat that. Hookups have replaced the genuine desire for connection and a relationship. Forming a relationship these days is a fragile thing and when I hear advice like give a man space, the no contact rule, play hard to get, it makes my skin boil because what's missing is honest communication and one of the other problems is the following but I wanna lean into this honest communication for a moment which is going to be the topic we're gonna talk about in a moment. That honest communication starts with an understanding that developing a relationship with another person is a very important thing from an emotional perspective. Let me repeat that from an emotional perspective because the reality is today we're living in a world where a significant percentage of the population is suffering from I don't feel good enough, I don't feel lovable and I don't feel likable and this is true of men and women alike and nothing triggers this more than the dating and relationship process because ultimately what human beings want individually is to feel loved, to feel loved by another human being. I was about to say to give love but that's not necessarily always the case but to feel a sense of love and many men and women didn't feel loved in their childhood, they didn't feel loved in their past relationships, they didn't even feel loved in their marriages and so they operate quite frankly in either a codependent way going forward or a narcissistic way. I don't mean narcissistic personality disorder but I see two sides of the coin. I see women tend to operate more from a codependent perspective and men tend to operate from a selfish perspective and a lot of dating rhetoric and advice out there is setting up women and men up for failure because they're not having really important conversations and real communication before they engage in a relationship especially a sexual relationship and that's why it's important to ask what I'm gonna share with you in a moment before sleeping with someone because ultimately what's the point of all this? What's the point of all this? My coffee mug says coffee tastes better when shared. Coffee tastes better when shared. Doesn't it feel better when you share your life with someone when you know that the other person, look at my t-shirt says, I've got your back and you see the back is missing this part? Doesn't life feel better when you know you were with someone who has your back? And yet in the dating realm today, in the dating marketplace today which I've coined, it's a real mess out there and I wanna read further in my notes what I share here because I said besides what's missing is honest communication. One of the other problems is the following. There's a devaluing of humans because of something known as the sexual market value which I call the dating marketplace. Let me keep reading on. There are so many women who act entitled which is followed by those also those other women who act like wounded birds which lack a degree of confidence. And then there are the men out there that are no better seeking instant gratification and they have a lack of commitment or even care about the other person's feelings. And I went on to say trust in love is actually, it's the other person's interests matter to me. I have their best interest at hand just like a parent has their best interest of their child. Oftentimes not always. Parent has the best interest of their child at hand. Sadly in the dating realm before even it's a citizen. It's probably not gonna happen before sex but certainly once you've been intimate with someone wouldn't you wanna be with someone who operates from a place of I've got your back? I have your best interest at hand. And I'm gonna share with you in a moment that question that I really do believe is so critically important to discuss before you enter into any physical relationship. And if you're currently in a relationship right now you may wanna start talking about this stuff right now. Now I wanna go back to the sexual marketplace I mentioned because going back to, there's a famous YouTuber who recently passed away just within the last two weeks. And he started the trend on the whole, I mean sexual marketplace has been around for a while but he was basically from my perspective devaluing women and saying that they weren't, as they age, their lack of ability to attract men continually diminishes both based on their age based on their baggage and based on their physical appearance. Their age, baggage and physical appearance and said that, and when I'm listening to that rhetoric there's this devaluing of women and a lot of men are buying into this, they're buying into, oh yeah, he's right, he's right, he's right. And well to some degree, to some degree there might be some truth. The reality is as we age for men and women, men get beer guts, they lose their hair, they stop looking as attractive, women might have their own shift in appearance, become less attractive to the majority of people. We're probably at our youth, the most physically attractive to people and as we age and certainly baggage makes a big difference. When I mean by baggage, I mean whether we like it or not, children come to, I mean, I don't like to call them baggage, I like to call them luggage in other words. And does a person's life, does their luggage can easily fit in the overhead compartment or do they need the sky cap to actually take care of all your bags before you get on an airplane? So to some degree there is a bit of truth in that we, as we age and certainly the more luggage we have, the less attractive we are, maybe it might be, part of that luggage might be a contentious divorce, might be a contentious ex-spouse, might have honorary children. I know children can sabotage relationships for those of us in midlife. There's work issues that are prevalent and certainly physical issues as we age. The reality is, as we men age, our equipment doesn't work the same and women's equipment doesn't work the same in youth. So there is a lot more moving parts to make a relationship work and I think it's rather naive not to recognize that. What I didn't like about this person is that he was devaluing women and I'm here to encourage women to be, listen, one of the first things I wanna say to, because my audience is women, is first off, don't ever give your power away to a man. Don't ever give your power away to a man. Number two, number two, is you are in charge of your relationship destiny, not the guy. And this is why I can't stand feminine energy coaches that tell you to lean back and be claimed by a guy. No, you should be claiming each other. A relationship should be a mutual claiming of each other. If you follow my rhetoric, I always say, it should look like two cars driving on the street at the same speed. It's not the man taking the lead. Now I know that goes against, I'm a contrarian that goes against, public opinion, it's contrary to public opinion and traditional expectations. And I'm here to say, when you act empowered and more importantly that third piece I wanna share to the women in my audience is that you act empowered in your life. This is why I continually recommend this book lately called Why Men Love Bitches, Why Men Love Bitches. It stands for babe in total control of herself. By the way, there's a link below to all the books I recommend because individual empowerment is so important. So you don't give your power away. I said before, oftentimes women become more co-dependent in relationship and I certainly believe after divorce. And I said, men tend to be more narcissistic. Now I say tend to, I mean, I have nothing to back this. This is just my observation, if you will. But I think after divorce, particularly, listen, most people feel so unappreciated. They felt so undervalued in their relationship. So it's natural to want to be selfish. And a lot of times men are labeled narcissistic when they're just completely myopic and selfish because ultimately, what did I say before? Trust and love, trust and love. The other person's interests matter to me. Their best interest matter to me. Just like I've got your back. I've got your back. And that's the way you want to operate because the reality is today, it's easy to get sex. Reality is today, it's easy to sleep with someone. It used to be, let's think about it, it used to be a man had to, if he wanted to get laid, he had to marry the person. You had to buy the cow before you got any milk and you'd barely got to taste any milk ahead of time. Now, whether that strategy worked or not, I don't know, I just know what it used to be. And by the way, I'm not here to even remotely suggest that women cannot have sex whenever they want. You are free to do whatever you want. But ultimately think about this for a moment. Hornography and social media has devalued women in particular, actually it's devalued human beings altogether, but it's devalued women. So men don't see you in the same light as it used to be. And I've even noticed it within myself. I remember back in my twenties, which was back in the eighties, excuse me, because I'm a tail end baby boomer, Jen Exer. We used to have way more respect for women than today. I'm sorry to say there's a real devaluing, both men and women, women are devaluing men just as much as men are devaluing women. It's a sad state of affairs. And I think the only way to shift this is not to play these stupid games of no contact rule. Lean back, play hard to get, that sort of thing. Create space, so it comes after you. Because as I said in the beginning, honest communication, honest communication is the only chance two people have to be radically honest with one another. In fact, my private coaching is all designed to help women learn. One of the skills I teach is called radical honesty, pre-qualifying your prospect. By the way, there's a link below in the description in the first comment here on this video to schedule a free discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you. Why do I recommend radical honesty? Because these days, if you're not truly asking better questions, if you're operating from that fantasy way, then what's gonna happen? What's the definition of insanity doing the same things over and over again and expecting different results? So what's the most important question? The most important question to ask a guy? This number one question is to find out are we on the same page? Are we on the same page? Do we want the same things out of this experience? Now, a lot of you women operate from the premise of saying, I want a relationship. And a guy says, I want a relationship. Okay, so let me give you a narrative here to give you an example. So I'm just gonna share from my personal experience, okay? Ideally, I'm looking for a relationship where we spend three or four days and nights a week together doing shared activities, hobbies, mutual interests, spending time with family and friends, traveling together, teamwork, building skills, both in our personal and our professional life, intimacy that's both physical and emotional intimacy that leads to either moving in together or getting married. That's my ideal situation. That's what a relationship should look like for me unless I'm in a long distance relationship that it might be slightly different, okay? So that might be the way you're viewing a relationship or it could be a variation of that. It could be once every other week, whatever it is for you. And the guy's mind, it could be I want a relationship too. Yeah, I want a relationship at my beck and call. I'm gonna see you when I want to see you. It's not regularly. So right off the bat are the two. So when you each say I want a relationship, I want a relationship. Oh my, and the woman's thinking, oh, we're on the same page, we want a relationship. But you didn't ask the context of what relationship means. There's a hunt, there's situationships, there's friends with benefits relationships, there's casual relationships. I mean, there's the list that goes on and on. I mean, you probably nowadays, there's probably 10 variations of relationship. So you have to get the context of what it means. This is why I continually recommend reading the book Eight Dates by doctors John and Julie Gottman and follow up with this book. So these two books, okay? Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work. Now here's the thing, the only reason why you want to read these two books is it gives you insight into the mechanics of a healthy, happy relationship. What it should look like, okay? Get at least some ideas, start forming these things in your head. So when you're having these conversations, these radically honest conversations, which asking if you're on the same page before you're intimate with one another, might be a good idea, okay? Might be a good idea. Instead of just I'm sitting back in my feminine energy and I'm being claimed and then all of a sudden the guy ghosts or disappears, and I'm also encouraging my dating vow. If you haven't seen my dating vow, I'm gonna post it in the description here. Here's the dating vow. It says, get him to commit before sleeping together. The dating vow. Have you ever heard the saying, women are the gatekeepers of sex and men are the gatekeepers of commitment? Well, listen, why is my hair messed up? The dating vow goes like this. It's five requests and you both say it to each other. It's simply said, you both say it to each other. You simply say, I agree to explore the process of getting to know you with the intent of declaring something serious within the next three to six months. I agree to monogamy sexually while we're having regular sex together. I agree to actively not to seek to meet or date others while we're in the dating process, which includes taking down my dating profile. I agree to speak up if this isn't working for me versus pulling back ghosting or disappearing. I agree to invest regular time in this process to getting to know you and what it looks like. Now it used to be when I used to be, my old rhetoric was simply ask a man, did I write this down? Simply ask a man, the old script used to be like this. There's something I'd like you to know about me. I love sex and I want a healthy sexual relationship with a partner. And here's the thing, when I begin a sexual relationship with someone, I prefer to be monogamous and exclusive. How do you operate? Now, if you don't like my dating vow, then simply try my old script. There's something I'd like you to know about me. I love sex and I want a healthy sexual relationship with a partner. And here's the thing, when I begin a sexual relationship with someone, I prefer to be monogamous and exclusive. How do you operate? At least you're getting some level of, first off, you're telling them how your standards are, your boundaries are, and you're getting some level of buy-in. My dating vow is really going to the next level. At least do one of these two things to find out if you're on the same page. By the way, I had a client just call me yesterday to tell me, she followed my advice. They waited eight days. They had eight separate conversations. They read the book, not all of it pertain to them. And then they were physically together. And now she has a boyfriend because they didn't rush into it. They were having radical honest conversations because ultimately, listen, it takes time to build trust with another person. Trust isn't just fidelity. Trust is, can I count on this person to care about my interests? Can I count on this person to care about my feelings as much as they care about their own? Just think about it. For those of you who are a parent, we operate from that place. I'd give my right arm to my son or my boys. Think about that. I've said that their entire lives is because that's what trust is. And trust is a critical important piece of this dynamic. And you can't figure it out in one, two, or three dates. It takes time. Please read this book, Talking to Strangers by Malcolm Gladwell. Understand that these days we're meeting total strangers. We know little about people. Don't naively go into this process because I started this conversation. What's missing today is a level of intentionality because hookups have replaced the genuine desire for connection and relationships. And I want you to operate from a place of consciousness, from a place of empowerment. Don't give your power away. And don't leave it up to a man to be in charge of your relationship, Destiny, because you're in charge of your destiny, nobody else. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating with you? If it is, please like this video. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel. Please get this message out because I believe this is so important. It needs to be discussed instead of this crappy dating advice that's all centered around game playing. Who should text message? How do you text your mechs back? All this crap doesn't help if you don't understand the mechanics of human behavior. And that's my invitation for everyone. All right, I think you get the gist on where I'm going. Post a comment below. I'd like to hear your thoughts on this. This resonated with you. Again, give me an amen. Give me a thumbs up. Let me know that you liked it. All right, I think this will be a good place to wrap up our video today if you've known the way I operate. First off, I'm going to give myself a big gigantic Jonathan Bear hug of self love. I'm going to, oh, self love of the book. Check out the link below. First off, I'm going to give myself a big gigantic bear hug. I'm going to reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm going to ask you to turn to someone. A teddy bear, I forgot my teddy bear pillow and give Iter them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives. Thanks a bunch. Bye-bye now.