 Okay. Good morning everybody. Good morning. How are all of you? Good. Okay. Good. Okay. Good morning to all the e-learning students. Good morning to all the online students. Welcome to class. It's good to have each one of you here. Okay. We are drawing close to the end. We're on the 12th week of our class today, and we're continuing on with special issues in counselling, especially those particular issues in counselling. The next topic that we are doing is counseling the abused. All right. What did we do last week? Sorry. A practical session, but what practical session did we do on marriage, marriage and family? And the class before that was mental health. Yes. Mental health. Yes. Okay. So we'll be looking at three more topics, that is counselling the abused, grief counselling and suicide over the next two weeks. And last week we'll be doing on ethics. Okay. All right. Okay. So counselling the abused. Now, when we look at this entire topic of counselling the abused, the first thing that we really need to understand is, what are the different types of abuse or basically what is abuse? So what do you think abuse is? Harassment. Okay. Coercive behavior, forcing. Okay. What do you think is abuse? It's a violation of something that is personal to you, right? It's a violation of something or it's a disrespect of something that is somebody else's. Okay. All right. Okay. So we're going to look at different kinds of abuse. There are many different types of abuse and commonly known forms of abuse, what do you think are some known forms of abuse? Physical abuse. Okay. Mental abuse, emotional abuse, then sexual abuse. Anything else? Okay. That's a personal, you're not violating somebody else. Right. That's a personal, that's more on, yeah. It's also a part like abuse, but we're looking at how, no. A person abuses somebody else. Social abuse. What is social abuse? Oh, okay. All right. Oh, okay. All right. Social abuse on media platforms. Okay. Okay. They're saying hacking somebody's personal information. Okay. Yeah. So there are many kinds and there's also domestic violence. Yeah. Domestic violence. So there are many and we'll go through a few of them. It's important to know what kind of behavior, that any kind of behavior that deliberately causes harm or upset to somebody is what is considered as abuse. All right. Somebody causes deliberate harm that is intentionally when they know that it can hurt somebody that is called as abuse. Now abuse can happen in any stage of life. Financial abuse. Okay. It can happen in any stage of life, right, from childhood to through adulthood and even after that. Have you heard of elder abuse? Right. Older people. People abusing the elderly. So it can come in different forms and it can come from different people also. So someone can use physical violence. They can use emotional violation. They can use cruel words to abuse. Okay. Now all types of abuse can cause either physical pain or psychological pain. All right. Okay. So that's what you would look and it of course, it takes a lot of time to heal. So when you deliberately undertake certain actions that are harmful, that when you deliberately do certain actions that are harmful, that can be morally wrong. Okay. Like in the sense of sexual abuse. It is a form of misusing your own power to harm somebody else. That's what it means. You find yourself in a powerful position and that's why you are bringing about harm towards somebody else. So I think it's important to remember that no one deserves abuse or no one asks for abuse. Sometimes when you talk to people, they say they deserved that beating. They behaved in such a way that they deserved it or they were asking for it. Right. You probably would have understood or heard these times. It doesn't matter how much, whatever the issue is, harm towards a violation towards somebody is wrong. Okay. All right. So let's explain a few types of abuse. So I'm on page, no, no, I'm not sharing anything. I'm just, I'm on page 45, okay? Page 45. So the first one we can look at is physical abuse. So what is physical abuse? It is deliberately harming or hurting someone through any kind of a physical contact or it is, it can be violence, any kind of a violent behaviors called as physical abuse. So anyone of any age, sexuality, gender can be affected by physical abuse. So this type typically comes from someone within your own space or your own environment like a family member or someone that is known to you. Okay. What are some of the physical abuse that you can see? What do you mean? Hitting. That's, that's later. Verbal is different. Physical is. Biting. Anything else? Okay. Burning. Using, giving, yeah. Basically giving any kind of pain that's physical. So you can, like it can be kicking, throwing objects, burning, scalding, okay. So all of that is what you would call as physical abuse, okay? Now you should remember that this kind of physical abuse can lead to, it's just not the physical pain that a person goes through, right? It can be a lot of other things that, that happen. What else happens apart from physical pain? It's just not about physical pain, right? Okay. Like what emotions come up? Okay. Anger, sad, tears. Okay. So there can be a lot of shame also because with the physical abuse, there's a lot of verbal abuse as well, right? So that can be, they can experience fear. Isn't that it? There's a lot of fear that actually keeps them away from taking any form of help, all right? And other, other kind of feelings could be a sense of shame, a sense of guilt, and also a sense of isolation. They may tend to isolate themselves from others because they do not want others to know, okay? And that's what keeps them in that loop. And often you will find that physical abuse is unreported. Why do you think it's unreported? Unreported, that is it doesn't go, okay? Why would you not report abuse? Physical abuse, okay? Okay. It's generally because of fear. The fear that if I go and tell someone else, that more than that, there will be, and if the person, the abuser gets to know, physical violence will be even greater, even more, right? So often because they don't have any space to go away, they have to come back to their own physical space and that's why they get trapped in that sense of abuse, okay? All right? Emotional abuse, what's emotional abuse? Correct, okay. So in physical abuse, you can see injuries or marks or things, right? But in, it's easier. It's easier to identify, yeah, because it's visible. But whereas in emotional abuse, it's not that visible. Yeah, scars are a lot more inside. So what happens is a lot of people who experience emotional abuse feel that others won't believe them, especially if they are, let's say, if they are, if they have a partner who's extremely nice to those outside, right? It's the gem of a person on the outside, but when they're at home, they can be very strong abusers, you know, emotionally using words or blackmills. So this generally, again, this is a show of power. Every form of abuse is a show of power, saying that I have more power over you to bring you down to my control, all right? So it's basically a way of power. And how is it generally done? It's done through threats, through criticism, to manipulation, name calling. It can be through blackmills, emotional blackmills, any kind of actions or gestures, demeaning words, all of that is what is emotional abuse. Now, emotional abuse often can be put into, people can become very, very aggressive, okay? Or they can actually dismiss, be dismissive, or they can deny. They actually can deny that they said something after that they have said it, okay? And you would have heard the word gaslighting? Okay, gaslighting. The word gaslighting means you are, what do you do? You actually light the gas. No, you put the fire and say that you're not the one who put the fire on. That's what gaslighting is, right? I don't know how that came there, it's there, but I was in the one who did it. So that's, again, another form of abuse, okay? The next is, yes, sexual abuse. Sexual abuse, okay. Sexual abuse is any type of sexual assault or it needn't totally be violence, it's basically assault of an adult to someone who is a minor, all right? Who doesn't have, doesn't give consensus to that, to a sexual encounter. So it's generally, it can range from unwanted touching to even exposure to any kind of sexual, sexually explicit material, like pornographic material, sexually explicit movies, any of that. So it can be straight from just touching to coercive sexual contact to any form of explicit viewing of any sexual material, okay? Are we all here? People are dreaming away, you're here? Okay, all right. Now, so often the victims are generally, generally especially when you look at child sexual abuse, they're people who are below 18 years of age, okay? So here also, anyone can be a victim of sexual abuse and even forms of, some form of rape also is known as sexual abuse, sexual assault, okay? Now, what do you think are the effects of being abused sexually? Okay, depression, okay? Fear, shame, yes. Shame and guilt is one of the biggest, psychological symptoms of sexual abuse, okay? Some, what is it? Loss of identity, okay? An anger on other people, okay, wonderful. Anything else? Francis, isolation, Francis, what happens when someone is sexually abused, what are some of the effects of sexual abuse? Very good. They find it very hard to trust people that could be difficulty in managing, maintaining relationships because of forms of sexual abuse, okay? There'd be a different way that they behave. Give me an example. Okay, they isolate themselves, they may be in depression, okay? So generally what you're saying is you can observe from their behaviors, okay? All right, okay. I know I have not put in domestic violence here, but I think I'll just talk about it a little bit. Domestic violence is also known as domestic abuse. That is, there is threatening behavior within a relationship, someone who is in a relationship. And this could include family members. It could include people who are not even in romantic relationships. They don't have to be in romantic relationships. Like it can be to a parent, to a child. So. There can be, but generally in friendships may not be. It's generally you would find it in, when we say non-romantic relationships is what we mean by, let's say, within a family member, like husband, wife, or parent, child, or parent and, sorry. Yeah. Like an elder person and a child, siblings, right? All of that, it's there. It can also be among romantic partners also, okay? All right. Now, these violence that is domestic can have psychological as well as physical impacts. Similarly as physical abuse and emotional abuse, okay? Again, these, this kind, domestic violence is also, again, goes unreported. Why? Again, does it go unreported? Yeah. Because you're exposing someone, excellent. And that's some of the reason why they are not bought out in the open, okay? All right. Now, I just also talk about neglect. Now, neglect could be where there is, the care that is meant to be given to someone is not adequately given. Now, neglect can be to, it can be to a child. It can be even to an older, like an elderly person. When they need the care, maybe when they need food, they need clothing, they need medical care, they need assistance. When all of that is withdrawn, that is not given, that itself can lead to a sense of neglect, neglect, okay? So it doesn't mean, and I want you to understand this, that one part, you know, when a parent doesn't give a child something they want, like a new computer or a cell phone or anything that is called neglect, okay? It's towards the basic important needs like food, shelter, education, love, care, all of that is what we're looking at, basic emotional needs, okay? Clear? Any thoughts? Any questions? No questions? All clear? Okay. All right. So we'll just look at, I know the section is not there, but just want to quickly bring about how abuse can affect somebody. Now it's important to know that abuse can have a significant impact on mental health as well as a person's well-being and it's not just at the time that the abuse is happening, but it can have a lasting impression even after that. So that can also take place. There is a lot of long-term impacts that can happen as a result of any form of abuse. Repeated abuse or even single-time abuse can lead to some kind of mental health issues like depression, anxiety, other kind of mental health disorders or even personality disorders can be experienced. So some survivors of abuse go through trust issues, okay? They go through flashbacks. What are flashbacks? What do you think of it? Yeah, maybe it comes back in their dream or they picture the entire form of abuse over and over again, okay? They may have problems in forming good relationships. Every time they come with relationships, they're not able to trust so that they have trust issues and they have suspicions or they may have a very poor sense of self-esteem and confidence that makes them feel that nobody can love them. So they have a lot of trouble in finding contentment, in being able to be happy even in situations that they are in. So their relationships are being affected. Their mental health is being affected. The way that they feel about, like you said, the sense of identity gets affected. There is low self-esteem that comes about, okay? And it could also lead to, Francis, it could also lead to other issues like self-harm. You know what self-harm is? Self-harm? No, suicide is not self-harm. So suicide is one like self-harm. But what we're looking at self-harm is not with an intent to die. It is an intent to relieve pain. So it is, yeah, you're right, you know, cutting superficial cuts. But it is not an intent to die. It's an intent to alleviate that pain. Substances, yes. Addictions, substance abuse is one thing that is often seen. All right, this is what you would find in general fallouts of an abuse, okay? All right. Okay, so how do we help? What can we basically do to help? So, okay, and I think I want to open this out as a question, okay? Someone comes in and tells you that they, and this is, let's say, you know the person, you know the person that they're talking about, okay? A well-known person or a very respectful person. But let's say it's a child or it's a wife that comes in and tells you or a husband that comes in and tells you that their parent or their uncle or their aunt or, you know, someone is abusing them. What is the first position that you take? What should you be doing? Okay. Okay, so I'm going to give you an example, okay? I have come to class today. Suppose I have a nice black mark on my eye. Okay. What would you say? What happened? All right. And I may say, I mean, I'm not talking to you about students, but let's say one of you came and asked me, what happened? So I'll say, you know, such and such person hit me on my eye. What's your next thing? Let's go. Let's go hit the person back. What, Francis? So you don't look at counselor. You look at people who are okay. So I said I got angry and I burnt the dosa today. I said he burnt. I burnt the dosa today. He hit. You got there. That's all over done. Let me go on my way. So you mean to say that? Okay. So what will you tell me that? Okay. Okay. So you will ask me about all of that. Is it? Okay. If I'm willing. Okay. If I'm not. Okay. Okay. Okay. You'll appreciate that. I have told you what it is. Okay. Yeah, I know. I don't think they can hear. I'm no one is saying anything also. Okay. This is open also for the online students. My students here are all talking. I don't know if you can hear, but if you all can also talk, that'll be great. Okay. So, okay. I'll give you another example. A child comes to you. Okay. And tells you, let's say you know the child's. The abuser, whoever. You know the child's abuser very well. Okay. And the child has come and told you is that they are, they have been, you know, somebody touched them. What is the first thing you do? You'd say, really? Okay. What does that communicate? Exactly. All right. So when you say, really, or are you sure? Is it? Huh? Seriously? Or is it? Yeah. What are you doing is you are not paying attention or believing what the person has said. So what do you think will happen then? Absolutely. They are not going to. Absolutely. They will, the very fact that they took the courage to come in and tell you shows that they wanted some help. Right. So if you dismiss it, if you don't, if you like question, then it, it may put them at a back foot and really not want to share anything with you. So that's something that you can always look into at a later point of time. But yes, you're the first response that you would do is to believe them and say and appreciate them for the fact that they came in and told you. So appreciate the fact that they told you and confirm that what they are feeling is absolutely valid. Okay. Maybe they're fearful or whatever they're going through is absolutely valid. Okay. So that is very, very important for you as a counselor to do. Okay. Got that? Now the other thing that you said, yeah. Okay. So when someone is actually coming and telling you, you can be empathetic, but you also have to get to, I don't want to say what it is, but what's the next step? Investigate. Maybe you're not in a position to investigate when someone is telling you that they are being abused. What would you as a, forget the counselor as a normal human being? You've done all that. They've told you all of that. What's the next step? Who? The abuser? What are you going to tell them? Comfort and empower. Right? Empower the. So what do you think would happen? Unless, no, no, unless of course you are in a setting that, you know, you're in a legal setting, it may not be very safe to do that. Why? Yeah. See, your, your, your focus is first of all on the abused. Your focus is on them to what is it to what? Yes. Believe them. Only the most important thing is to keep them safe. Right? If someone is bashing your friend, will you say, you know, I comfort you, be blessed, you know, exactly. Right? Isn't it the first thing you will do is find a way to get out from that place. What is the way that you can be rescued from that abuse that is happening? That's the first thing you need to do. And that's what you are getting into a conversation with. How can they move away from that place of abuse? Now it can be very different for what do you say, a different set of people. Let's say a child is being sexually abused. How would you go, go with it? Okay. So you, okay. You've got to be careful when you say next time if it's happening, which means, No, not only that, the fact that it can, it can go on and that you have not done anything. There are so many things that can be done from this episode to the next episode to avoid that. Okay. Why? Why? She's a minor. Yeah. Okay. So let's say if it's a child, remember any kind of abuse, sexual abuse towards a child is a criminal, it's a criminal offense. Right. Which means as someone who brings something like that to you, you are actually bound to report. You are bound to report. Right. You have to take, because if not at any point of time that, you know, let's say someone else finds that out, you will be charged because of the fact you'd be responsible because you knew and you didn't take action. Right. So what are some of the steps to do that? One is when a child is being abused, the first thing is to find out from the child who are a few people who they can trust. Okay. So you elicit from the child who are people that you can trust. All right. And once that is so ensuring that, you know, letting the child know that you will need to get the support and help from these people who they can trust. Right. So if it's a parent or if it's a teacher or whoever, getting their support and bringing them into this information that this child is being, and you don't have to do it to many people, maybe with many people, maybe one or two trusted adults that you can get support from. All right. And then there are ways that you can rather than you ensuring that the responsible adult, maybe it's the parent or whoever is in charge, brings about a complaint to the legal system. Okay. So it is up to you to do this first part of reporting is getting the any other member of the family or the environment spoken to so that they could do what is what is needful. Never talk to the abuser. Okay. Because it can it can bring about a lot of issues at the end of it. Okay. Yeah. You shouldn't. You should never talk to the abuser. Right. I'm talking about, let's say if it is something like a child, let's let's look at another case like violence, physical violence. You have two adults. Okay. So there again, the first and foremost thing is talking with them to keep them physically safe that they don't go back. They don't go back into the same environment where they are being abused. So devising a plan alongside with them to ensure that they get support or they get help or they are moving away from that place. So one of the things is getting support if need be, especially, you know, if the physical violence is continuous is regular, then maybe getting the help of other people involving other people, maybe like the church pastors or beyond that. I mean, first the family, then the past, then, you know, if that's a church that's involved and if not, then the legal system. Okay. So what you're, what you're basically doing is to help them to stay safe. Okay. Got it. Any questions? Any questions? Yeah. You said we should not listen or we should not talk to that abusers. What if that abusers did something like not that much, but something, any small kind of things with any person, woman, so he will come and he will tell big things. What if it will become big fight? It will not listen to that abusers because he didn't did that much, but he's making that things big. The abused or the abused? The abused. The abused is saying something much more than what happened, is it? Okay. Now, see, like I said, every situation may be different. Right? So how you can act like, like for example, how is it that one of the ways generally that you can understand is let's say the abuse come and says, okay, this person did this and did this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this. Okay. So they will say you call and ask, right? Or you take, you take charge and get to the police. That's why you do not take that responsibility of going to the police or doing anything because you are empowering them to do it themselves. Right? So if you are getting the abuse to make a, let's say a larger complaint, they have to have enough evidence for what they are saying. Let's suppose the abuse were just maybe, let's say hit them once, but the abuse says that, you know, he took a knife and he stabbed me or whatever. Right? So what happens is, when you're empowering them to do that, you need to get them to bring evidence and without evidence, that isn't a case. Right? So if something like that happens, it's important to empower them so that they will be able to report to a higher authority. All right? So that's why I said, so a lot of this may be different in the way that it presents itself. But each of, each of these things need to be done with a lot of wisdom. Okay. Now, even as they are talking to you, it's important to understand details of the abuse. What's happening? How is it happening? What's the frequency of it happening? How many people know? Have they sought help earlier? You know, is it safe for them to go back? So asking all of these questions is very important to get them the support that they need. Okay. Yeah. Like for example, let's look at it in a setting of a church. There is some kind of physical abuse that's happening between let's say a parent or a child or let's say a husband and wife. Suppose, and one member comes to you. Okay. They may tell you, please, you know, I'd like you to talk to such and such person. They've given you the permission. Right? If they've given you the permission, then it's okay to discuss it. Suppose they say, don't tell because if you tell, then I will get into a deeper problem. All right. So then you may need to devise another plan. One is, like we said, is safety. If a life is in danger, it is safe. It is safety. And once that happens, let's suppose it's a wife, she moves away from the place. She's staying at another place. Then definitely the husband is going to ask why are you going or whatever. Right? So you're empowering her to speak up and say that, you know, unless and until you are not going to come back or until and unless you get that kind of support, you know, or if this happens again, I will report this to such and such person. So every case may be very different in its thing, but I'm just giving you different scenarios if it happens. So then you need to use a lot of wisdom in ensuring that the person who's come in and discuss this with you, their trust in you should not be violated. Secondly, they should not be in a worse danger of before they actually came and told you. So that's something you need to ensure. Okay? All right? Okay. Again, the point is to keep this conversation absolutely confidential, which means you're not, you don't have the right to actually talk about this to even others, you know, anyone else maybe in your team or any of that not to really talk about this. Okay? So Jacken's written, if the person who abuses is one of the trusted close circle of the child, then how do we protect the child as in when they are scared of even staying at home, especially the child being fearful and has no one else? How can we assist as a counselor? In that case, do we do the reporting or connect them directly to some child welfare organization? Yes. So if you have seen that let's say the child is only with the, it's a close member of the family and that's the only person in the house and the child has fear, the thing to do is to report. You can actually directly, there are numbers that you can directly report. It was 1098, now that number has changed, I'm sorry, I can't recollect what it is, but you can actually directly report to the concerned welfare system and they will immediately get the child out into a safe space. Now, I want you all also to remember that, you know, here, especially in India, when a child is rescued, they are put into what you care as childcare, CCIS, childcare institutes, okay, to keep them safe, but those childcare institutes often are also very, very extremely bad condition, right, and they are quite emotionally and physically very, very run down and actually there isn't much of support that is there, right. So maybe one of the best things for us to do is, yes, we may need to do the reporting, but basically to find if there is someone else within the family that would take the child rather than the child going into a childcare institute because they will be there till, let's suppose a child is alone, right, in the house with a parent, there isn't anyone else, then that's the place that they go to, so because we know the affair of a childcare institute, we've got to be careful if there are other family members or any of that, it's always best that they go, you know, to some family members, distant family members house till the person or the abuser can get that support and that kind of help, okay. I'm just telling you that is because the childcare institutes in India are very, very, they're very poor in itself, you know, there can be a lot of abuse that happens there also, right, and a lot of mental trauma and all of that, but nevertheless if there isn't a way out, that's the only thing to do, but I'm just giving you a thought, okay. Yeah, then the question of if, what happens if the person chooses to return home against your violence, against your advice, what do you do is make sure that you give them ways of how you can be contacted, right, so that in case they go against your advice, they will be able to reach out to you and you will be able to follow up in some way. Remember, you cannot force anyone to make a decision that they should be doing themselves. The only decision that you can take is when it's a child, okay, because they're not an adult, they're not a major, they do not have probably the capacity to think or to do things for themselves, that's the only time that you can take, you know, some kind of active step, otherwise when it is an adult, ensure that you're empowering them to do what they need to, okay, all right. When we come back, we'll just talk about how a couple of things of how Christian counseling can help, especially survivors, that is people who've gone through abuse are not in that abusive environment anymore, it must have been a thing of the childhood or of the past, but are carrying significant burdens or hurt as a result of that, okay, all right. We'll close for 10 minutes and we'll come back after 10 minutes at 11 o'clock for the second part of our class.