 The Jell-O program starring Jack Benny with Barry Livingston and Phil Harris in his orchestra. The orchestra opens the program with your number one on my love parade. Bright colors are the keynote of the season, or color always adds the touch of gany and charm to any occasion. That's why a great shimmering mold of colorful Jell-O adds the festive note to your table. For Jell-O's colors are so attractive, clear shades of cool green, golden orange and yellow, and Jell-O's flavors are so delicious and truly refreshing as the luscious ripe fruit itself. You're sure to like Jell-O's plain, and you like it with whipped cream or fresh fruit, or in an appetizing salad. So serve gay colorful Jell-O soon. Whether you serve it as a dessert or as a salad, be sure you get the real thing. Genuine Jell-O. Look for the big red letters on the box. They spell Jell-O. Ladies and gentlemen, if you don't feel like taking a walk or going to a movie and you're not in the mood for a nap, that is, if you haven't anything else to do, you might as well listen to Jack Benny. Hello again. This is Jack Benny, your last resort speaking. And thanks, John, for that big buildup. I hope you do a better job selling Jell-O tonight than you did selling me. I will. Imagine introducing me that way. I know I'm better than taking a walk. Well, uh, Jack, there's a lot of exercise in walking and besides, it's friendly. Oh, I suppose listening to me isn't hard work. You get plenty of exercise turning the dial and throwing books at the radio. And listen, folks, if you want to go to the movies, go ahead. I hope you lose the bank night. What's wrong, Jack? Well, when Don introduced me tonight, he practically advised people to go to the movies instead of listening to me. Don't worry, it might be your picture and they'll run right back to the radio. Is that so? Now listen, Phil. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. Phil, if this wasn't Mother's Day, I'd punch you right in the nose. If you do, you won't come to the Father's Day. Looks like I'm in for a rest. Oh, well, that's life. What do we talk about tonight, Don? Why not talk about Mother's Day? All the other programs are doing it. Oh, of course. Who are we to be original? Well, Don, what did you get for your mother today? I got her a box of candy, a box of flowers, and a box of jello. Well, three smart boxes. Now, why'd you mention jello last? Oh, just building up suspense. Why, you little suspense-builders. Oh, hello, Mary. Hello, Jack. What are you talking about? Now, what would I be talking about today? You mean beside yourself? Yes. We're talking about Mother's Day and you better be prepared. What did you do for your Mother's Day, Mary? I sent my father $10. You sent your father $10 on Mother's Day? Don't worry. He'll get it. Well, that's silly. Now, why didn't you send it direct to your mother? Oh, she has more if I'm taking Father's pocket. She has. Well, does your father ever suspect anything? Does he? Last year he didn't take his pants off for a week. Mary, Mary laughed ahead of time. She knew the joke was funny. Say, Jack, not changing the subject, but how did you do on the Kentucky Derby? Not changing the subject. Well, I feel all my life I've heard subjects change, but never in such a crude fashion. Imagine changing a subject from Mother's Day to the Kentucky Derby. Well, my mother's from Kentucky. Oh, and I suppose your father wears a Derby. Well, that's it. It does not. It comes clear down over his ears. Well, let's drop it. What'd you ask me, Phil? I said, did you win anything in the Derby yesterday? No, no, I wasn't very lucky. I had $2 on... I say I had. I mean our syndicate. We had $2 on Sunset Trail. Sunset Trail, huh? Yeah, I had $2 right on his nose. I guess that extra weight held him back. If you'd have put one of your checks on his nose, he'd have bounced in first. My own fault. That horse must be a fugitive from a merry-go-round. Hello, Jack. Oh, hello, Kenny. Say, Jack, do me a favor, will ya? Ask me what day this is. All right, Kenny, what day is this? It's Mother's Day. Right, Kenny. Kenny, that's marvelous. How did you know it was Mother's Day? I've been saying it every Sunday, and today I was right. Well, well, what'd you do for your mother today, Kenny? Oh, tonight I'm going to take her out to dinner and a movie, and then we're going to have some ice cream, and it isn't going to cost her a cent. Well, that's sweet. Then me $5, will you, Jack? No, it's not going to cost me a cent either. Hmm, some chivalry. Well, Kenny, if I'd have won the derby yesterday, I'd have been glad to help you out. Answer the phone, Mary. Hello? Yes? Yes? Yes? Thank you, I'll tell him. Oh, Jack! What is it, Mary? Your horse, Jack, came in. Wow, I knew he'd come through. That's what Benny Luck never fails. Play, Phil! There's the boys and very good, Phil, but I did notice that, well, maybe it's because it's getting toward the end of the season, but I did notice that several of the boys showed a very careless attitude during the number. I mean, they weren't on the alert. Oh, they're always that way when they're rehearsing. Rehearsing? Well, Phil, we're on the air. I told you guys that. They talked me out of it. Oh, they did. Well, what are you, a man, or a moose? Hey, that's pretty good. Yeah, but you sprained your brain on that one. Oh, well, let me tell you something. Jack, don't start trouble with Phil again. Yeah, especially on Mother's Day. Listen, Kenny, I don't want to disillusion you, but get this, Phil is not a mother. I told Mary that, but she talked me out of it. Oh, Kenny, don't be so gullible. You are, too, isn't he, Mary? Yeah, he eats like a horse. Oh, what I go through for radio. And now, ladies and gents, in an effort to bring real art into the homes of America and also to pay tribute to the mothers of the nation, tonight we will... Come in. Telegram for Jack Benny. Oh, here, bud. Bird, my name is Snoop-Nagle. Well, give me the wire and get back to your own program. You meet the freshest people in this business. Who's it from, Jack? You read it. I forgot to have my glasses washed. Okay. Jack Benny, NBC Studio, Hollywood. Dear Curve. Let me see that. That's Sir, not Curve. You can't fool Western Union. I'll have to read it. Dear Sir, this wire comes from one of your real fans. I am a mother and have six children. Stop. They listen to your broadcasts and imitate everything you do. Well... Now, here's my problem. My children refuse to go to school. But if you did a schoolroom play and set them a good example, I'm sure they would change their mind. Do not fail me. You're truly Mrs. Otis' elevator, up and down Kentucky. That is a touching wire. What are you going to do about it, Jack? What? What are you going to do about it? Naturally, we're going to take care of this request. We can't dirt down a mother on a day like this. So tonight, folks, as a special favor, we will present an original schoolroom drama entitled The Bump on Teacher's Head. Or Who Through That Death. In as much as I am the nominal head of this program, I will be the teacher. And I'll throw the death. Phil, that's just the title. Nobody's going to throw any death. Phil, you have a wee dash of the heel in you tonight. What's the matter with you, anyway? Well, I don't see why you always grab the best parts. I want to be the teacher. Oh, you do, eh? Well, I'll be the teacher. And that's that'll do. Come in. Well, well. Hello, chikbani. Oh, hello, Patsy. Hey, I haven't seen you in a long time. Well, I'm an individual who keeps busy. Now, what are you doing these days, Patsy? What am I doing, you're just asking. I'm a lifeguard. A lifeguard. Well, how are you making out? Fine. I was saved three times yesterday. Well, you're some lifeguard. Why don't you learn to swim? Eh, it's only us so much job. Oh, I don't blame you, Patsy. But, Patsy, you're just in time. We're going to do a little schoolroom play tonight. Sort of reminisce, you know. That's all. Of course. Yes. Uh, would you like to, uh... Patsy? Would you like to join us and go back to your little old schoolhouse? I wouldn't get on that boat again for a million dollars. I mean in this country. You want to join us? Okay, but on one condition. What's that? If the teacher keeps me at the school. Well, I'm going to be the teacher. Drop the condition. And we're all set. We'll do it right after Kenny's song. Are you ready, Kenny? Yeah, I have a mouth open and everything. Well, I notify your counsels and go ahead. Sing, Kenny. Loving you was all that really matters. Don't know why you ever went away. Out to me. Kenny Baker, who doesn't know. But really, Kenny, it was very melodious. Can I close my mouth now? Yes. Not so loud next time. And now, folks, the time has come for our school play. Are you excited? Ah, friends, picture your little red schoolhouse. Of course, if you went to a green one, don't repaint it just for this broadcast. Let's go curtain music. Common get it, common get it. Get your red hot education here. You can't tell one subject from another without a textbook. Common get it. Common get it. I will now call the roll. Don Wilson. Here. Mary Livingston. Present. Phil Harris. Now, Phil, don't be a sore loser. Kenny Baker. Here, teacher, I brought you nice rosy apples. Well, thank you, Kenny. That was very thoughtful. Save me the core. I will. Andy Devine. Hi, you fuck. By Andy, I didn't recognize you with those pearls. Huh, I am kind of pretty, ain't I? Yeah. Patsy Blitt. Here, teacher, I brought you a nice rosy herring. A herring. Save me the core. Mary. Gene Arthur. Here. Arthur Gene. Here. Gene Harlow. Gene Harlow. She's not here. Shucked, and I wanted a keeper after school. Man Mountain Dean. Gypsy Roald Lee. Wow. Fred Allen. I'm in New York. Our admiral. Now, children will have our usual morning exercises. Well, all the boys get on the floor and stand on their head. What do we do? Quiet. Come on, boys, be as quiet as possible. Andy. Andy, why aren't you standing on your head? I ain't going to reroute my blood just for one gag. Dear seats, everybody. Now, first, we'll take up our arithmetic. Mary Livingston. Yes, teacher. How much is three times three? Twelve. That's correct. It is not. Oh. Well, I'll find out. Kenny Baker. How much is three times three? Six. Wrong. Three times three is nine. Well, I'm still standing on my head. Oh, then you're right. Patsy Flick. Yes? Poopsie. Here's a rather... Don't poopsie the teacher. Here's a rather difficult question. If stocking... If stocking costs 50 cents a pair and you had two dollars, how many hares... How many... Three cents. Let me... Let me again this question. Please. Patsy. If stocking costs 50 cents a pair and you had two dollars, how many pairs could you buy? Full sale or retail? Retail. I'm not interested. The fine answer. Ow! Who hit me with that spitball? I did. I'll learn you to beat, teacher. Oh, you will, eh? Well, you stay after school, Phil. It's a date. A fine romance. Quiet. Now, Donald. Donald. Not Donald. Duck our Donald. Yes, teacher. Donald, let me hear you recite the alphabet. A-B-C-D-E-F-G-H-I-J-E-L-L-O. Correct. And what are the colors of the rainbows? Strawberry, raspberry, cherry, orange, lemon, and lime. That's right. What do you find at the end of the rainbow? A dish of jello. Hooray! Donald, you're twice as sharp as ever before. Look for the big red letters on his report card. Yes. Now, Andy. Andy Devine. Letter flickerbuck. Now, if your hen, now get this, if your hen laid an egg a day for seven days, what would you have at the end of the week? Stewed chicken. Stewed chicken, why? Well, let me put it this way, supposing your hen changed her mind and did lay an egg a day for seven days, what would you have? I still have stewed chicken. Why? Because I ain't got no gratitude. A liter of I saved me a drumstick. Ow, Bill Harris, why do you keep hitting me with those spitballs? You got a face like a target. I have not. Those are just circles under my eyes. Well, they go clear around. It's a fine school room. Candy, peanuts, popcorn and slingshots. Candy, peanuts, popcorn. Have to get back to your seat, you're a student here. Quiet, I got a side light. Well, you better have an answer, too. You study your history lessons? Yes, beauty pie. All right, who said give me liberty or give me death? My uncle. Your uncle? Why? You should see my aunt. Well, maybe you're right. Now, Mary? Yes, teacher. Tell me, who was the father of our country? Well... Now, I'll give you a clue. Who threw a dollar across the Potomac? Mary, who threw a dollar across the Potomac? Nobody on this program. This is exasperating. Kenny Baker, you tell me, who was the father of our country? Come on now. The father of our country was George... George Olson. That's fine. George Olson. Then who was the mother? Well, that clears that up. Now, children, we will take up our spelling. Teacher, oh, teacher! What is it, Andy? Matthew, Blake, Mike, Miss Jewel and gum and my curls. Matthew, why did you put gum and Andy's hair? He put ham in my lunchbox. Well, what's the matter with that? It was such a small piece. Stop this nonsense. Let's go on with our spelling. Kenny Baker, spell fog. What? Spell fog. F-I-G. I said fog. He's been in one all his life and can't spell it. Gee, Mary, that's good. Oh, two hit me with that spitball. I did. I gotta have some fun, too. Now, Andy, spell hippopotamus. What? Spell hippopotamus. I pass. By me. Pass. Pass. I open for two dollars. I'll say. Now, wait a minute. The word is hippopotamus. It's no good. You gotta have jacks or better. Mary, can you spell hippopotamus? No, neither can you. I don't have to. I'm the teacher. Spell teacher. Quiet. Q-U-I-E-T. Very good, Kenny. Trader, he studied. Now, children, it's almost three o'clock and time to go home. So I want you all to... Ow! Ow! Stop, stop, stop. Huh? What's the matter, Andy? I just sat on the dumpstack. Kenny, don't leave your hat laying around. You should kick. I'm under it. Oh. Well, children, it's almost three o'clock and time to go home. So I want you all to study tonight and take your homework with you. Yes, teacher. Oh, teacher. Wow. Look what's on the blackboard. Look what's on the blackboard. Look what's on the blackboard. Look what's on the blackboard. Look what's on the blackboard. Children. Children. This is shocking. Who wrote that on the blackboard? Who wrote teacher is a loose? I did. I can't spell lousy. Oh, you did, huh? Yeah, man. Well, just for that, everybody in this room will have to stay after school. Why do we all have to stay? I ain't going to be alone with that gorilla. Teacher is a scaredy-cat. Teacher is a scaredy-cat. Teacher is a scaredy-cat. Teacher is a scaredy-cat. Teacher. Hey, what am I doing? Class dismissed. Cram kiddies. Played by Phil Hares and his orchestra. And now, ladies and gentlemen, ouch. Phil, school is over. I had one left. And now, ladies and gentlemen, I want to announce that next Sunday night, we are going to present the play which you selected by majority of votes as the most popular sketch in our 1936 series. The winning play is Ah, Wilderness. The results are as follows. Ah, Wilderness, 28,643. Emperor Jones, 23,378. Charlie Chan in Radio City, 19,475. Those are votes, folks, not last. I also want to thank those listeners who voted for why girls leave home way down east and mutiny on the Jello, which also received many requests. The next Sunday night, we will present the winner, our new version of Eugene O'Neill's masterpiece, Ah, Wilderness. And before the season is over, we hope to do the other two runner-ups, Emperor Jones and Charlie Chan in Radio City. And now, ladies and gentlemen, as a teaser for next week's show, we will give you one of the dramatic highlights of that outstanding play, Ah, Wilderness. This, ladies and gentlemen, is only one of the many thrilling scenes in our next week's production. But don't let that discourage you. No, play there. It's a cinch to make grand, homemade desserts nowadays. Just listen. How about ice cream? Ice cream made with Jello ice cream powder. You'll be simply delighted with it. Or Jello ice cream powder makes rich mellow ice cream with that old-fashioned flavor, and you actually use less cream and get more ice cream. All you do is combine one package of Jello ice cream powder with milk and cream and sugar, and you'll have a quarter-and-a-half of smooth, really creamy ice cream. And you make it right in the freezing trays of your refrigerator. Or if you prefer, you can use an ordinary hand-freezer and get the same wonderfully smooth results. And talk about economy, why Jello ice cream powder makes more ice cream than most other such products on the market. So ask your grocer tomorrow for Jello ice cream powder. This is the last number of the 32nd program in the New Jello series, and we'll be with you again next Sunday night at the same time when we offer you your favorite play, Eugene O'Neill's Ah, Wilderness. Jack, what's a wilderness? Well, Mary, a wilderness is a lot of trees and shrubbery, maybe a hermit or two. What's a hermit? Well, a hermit is a man who lives in the wilderness. Why? Well, because he doesn't like the city. What city? Oh, good night.