 The Abbot and Costello program brought to you by Camel, the cigarette that's first in the service. Camel stay fresh, cool smoking and slow burning because they're packed to go around the world. This is the music of Freddie Ritchie and his orchestra, the songs of Connie Haynes. Tonight's guest, the Metro Golden Mayor star, Mr. Charles Lawson, and starring but Abbot and Lou Costello. Oh, there you are, Costello. What's all the excitement? I was just out shopping at it, and I bought a beautiful Valentine's. You know, next Monday is Street Valentine's Day. What day? Street Valentine's Day. Here it is, right on the card. See it? What? ST Street. Oh, no, you dummy. That's the St. Valentine. ST means St. Who are you sending it to? Oh, to Miss Carol Law, 156 South Main St. South Main St. Yes, that's where my girl is. What do you mean? South Main St. What are you talking about? ST. Oh, that ST means Street. You said it was St. Now make up your mind. Look, when it's an address, it's Street. Now read it again. Miss Carol Law, 156 South Main St. Now that's better. St. Louis, Missouri. No, no, no, no, no. Just a minute, Costello. That's St. Louis, Missouri. Yeah, but that's an address. Yes, but this time it's St. Well, make up your mind. Sometimes it's Street and sometimes it's St. When does it is and when does it ain't? Costello, let me clear this up for you. You live on the street, don't you? Yeah, no, I live on a doctor. You live on a doctor? Yeah, I live on a doctor. Here's my address on a card. Lou Costello, 139 Beverly Doctor. Let me see that. Oh, hey, you eat the card. DR. That is, in doctor, that's drive. Drive, you dummy. Drive. What, on an A card? Well, well, what's all the argument here, bud? Oh, it's Ken Niles. All right. Costello is just showing me a Valentine. Oh, no, that's a coincidence. I have a Valentine for Costello, too. Listen to this. Dear Lou, roses are red, violets are pink. I saw your picture last night and you certainly do. All right, quiet, Niles, or I'll pour a hole in your head and let the sap run out. Yes, and you're the bore who can do it. Oh, dear, I was hot as a hotdog tonight. Just as full of bloney, too. Costello, why do you always fight with Niles? That's right, Costello. You should be glad you've got me. I could be a list on any program. Then how come you're a jerk on this one? Oh, quiet, Costello. By the way, Ken, where's your wife? Oh, I left her at home. She's writing a play to do on the program tonight. She's writing a play? What does she know about plays? Well, I'll have you know that my beautiful wife spent years in stock. Didn't the other cattle object? I heard that remark. You'd be 19 with a nose. I said it so you'd hear it. Now, Mrs. Niles, I knew you'd be here today. I read it in a newspaper. The newspaper? Yes, the weather report said big wing coming. That's a lovely jacket you have on. All right, never mind that. Looks like sea biscuits. All right, never mind that, Costello, please. Mrs. Niles, Ken tells us that you are working on a play for us tonight. For our program. Now, I didn't know that you had literary inclinations. Oh, indeed, yes. I'm always reading. You'll always find me with my nose in a book. How can you read it from way out there? Oh, I just adore the old writers. Dickens works, and Zachary's, and Byron's, and of course, Keats. Oh, don't you just love Keats? Oh, yes, I love Keats. I love all kinds of Keats. Beat Keats, little Keats. Hello, little Keats. Oh, quit interrupting, Costello. Tell me, Mrs. Niles, what is your play about? Oh, it's a thrilling adaptation of that famous story, Robinson Crusoe. Oh, what a great part for me. Oh, I play the voodoo queen of the island. I am beautiful, breathtaking, luscious, and exotic. Where can you buy that much makeup? Oh! I'm not going to stand here and be insulted. Here, Mr. Abbott, is a copy of the play. I'll be back later. Oh, that's fine. Now, Abbott, I'm getting sick and tired of this. Everybody wants to be in a play. The next thing you know, even Bottsford, Twink, our sound man, he'll want some kind of a part. And why shouldn't I want a part, Mr. Costello? I'm human, ain't I? What a spot for an ad lib. Now, just a minute, Bottsford. What could you do in the play? What could any sound man do? I could give you sounds. The sound of a cat licking its chin. The sound of a grape scratching its skin. The sound of a mosquito making its... The sound of a seltzer making its... These sounds I can give you, I Bottsford, Twink. And if you don't use me, your program will... Your program will suffer. Oh, boy, I thought it was going to say S-T-I-N-T. Hey, Costello! I'll get out of here. North of the Persian Gulf are Americans, soldiers, railroad men, truckmen, seeing that the tanks and the guns speed along the overland supply route to Russia. To Americans in Iran, in Iraq, to Americans throughout the world go camel cigarettes by the million, by the ton, for camels are first with man in all the services according to actual sales records. And when the camels get to Iran, or to you, they're fresh. Cool smoking and slow burning because they're packed to go around the world. Because camels stay fresh and because they have more flavor, more people want camel cigarettes now, both at home and overseas. So remember, if your store is sold out today, try again tomorrow. Camel cigarettes are worth asking for again. C-A-M-E-L-S. Camel cigarettes. Camel demander tobacco is the same for soldier, for civilian, anywhere in the world. Freddie Rich plays the lovely David Rose Compositions Holiday for Springs. Well, Castello, have you read the play that Mrs. Niles left here? I'm reading it now, Abbott. But wait a minute, if you're reading it upside down, you think it's easy? I decided to play the leading part, Robinson Corruso. There certainly is. In the second act, you go away to forget. Well, don't I do anything in the first act? That's what you go away to forget. Oh, Mr. Castillo, have you found a place for me to do my sound effects? Oh, but what sound effects can you do? Lots of them, Mr. Castillo. Did you ever hear a mountain calling to its sun? A mountain calling to its sun? Of course not. I'll show you. A mountain calling to its sun. Hey, Cliff! Hey, you know, that's good. That's just a bluff. Well, here's another one. A mother flower calling to a baby flower. Hiya, bud. And did you ever... Did you ever hear a snake asking for chewing gum? How does it go? Wiggly, wiggly, wiggly, wiggly, wiggly. Castillo, but what is wonderful? What's so wonderful about that? I can do a sound that you never heard before. Well, let's hear it. Okay. A husband talking back to his wife. That's all. Come on, come on. Come on, Castillo, give Botsford a chance in the play. Okay, Abbott. Now listen, Botsford, you can be in a play, but remember, don't make any sound effects till I give you the word and the sound and the cue. Yes, Mr. Castillo. This is your chance to be a big shot. Big shot? Yes, sir. That isn't a word. Wait for the play. Come in. Certainly, this is the Abbott and Castillo program. Yeah, what do you think it is? I'm sorry, I just walked past the glue factory. I haven't noticed any change. Yeah. Who is this fresh guy? Castillo. It's that great actor, Charles Lawton. Now listen, Lawton, if you don't like my program, what are you doing here? Well, in my next picture, I played a part of a moron and I came over to see how they act. Oh! So you're going to play the part of a moron, eh, Lawton? Yeah, that's right. That's what I call perfect casting. How do you like that, Petzl? Castillo, you can't call a man like Mr. Lawton Petzl. Why not? What's the nickname for Charles? It's Chuck. What's a Chuck? That's a roast. And what's a roast? A roast is a fat piece of meat. Higher, Petzl! Now cut that out, Castillo. Him with the overlapping hair? Never mind that. Lawton is a polished gentleman. He looks like he's shellacked. See here, Castillo, I've only seen you once before, for which I'm very thankful. However, in the event I permit such a catastrophe to occur again, I shall depart as a measure of self-discipline to a small tropical island. There, I shall mutt my head on a tripod and spend my declining years kicking myself in the face at regular five-minute intervals. Well, with your face, it would be an improvement. There you are, Castillo. None of that now. Say, by the way, Mr. Lawton, how would you like to appear in our play tonight? We're going to do the big shipwreck scene from Robinson Crusoe. Splendid. I love the water, the broad ocean. As a matter of fact, I spent the last week at Del Mar where the turf meets the surf. Oh! Really? Oh! Really? Really, you met at Del Mar with the turf, Mr. Surf? Really? You heard him. I heard it. I had ocean park where the debris meets the sea. Oh, shut up, Castillo, please. Charlie, as the play starts, we board the ship and go off in search of adventure. Yes. I'm Robinson Crusoe, the captain, and I'm sailing my boat around the horn. Horn, yes, sir. I know! I don't get excited, all right. He's going to fall up the whole place. I'll never mind. Take it easy. Now listen. Now, get away, Buttsman. I'll let you have it. All right, never mind. Now, back to my acting. Mr. Lawton, what in the middle of the ocean? And a big storm comes up. The boat begins to break up because it's only an old bark. Bark? Yes, sir. Bark, bark! Yes, Mr. Bones. Go on with the play. What happens to the boat? It sinks. It sinks. So does the play. Just a minute, Charlie. It's really a good script, and you have a fine part. You play Costello's man a Friday. What? You're asking me to play second fiddle to this over-stuffed porcupine? I'll have you gentlemen know that I was just offered a great dramatic program of my own. You were, were you? What's the name of it? One Hand's Family? Costello, do you expect to play the part of a captain when I come from a family of seafaring men? It was my great-great-grandfather, Sir Thomas, who sailed with Drake in 1588 and defeated the Spanish Armada. It was my great-uncle Reginald who stood at the side of Lord Nelson at the Battle of Trafalgar. And it was my cousin Archibald, bless his heart, nice fellow, who plotted the course for the Admiral at the Battle of Juckland. That's why I like to plant my feet on the deck of a ship to feel the rolling south beneath man and the ocean spray upon my face. That's why I like the sultans. I love the sultans. I must have the sultans. Okay, Lawton. Right after the program, come on over to my house and I'll send you with a hairy. Get out of here. Come on, leave you ballad. I'll be around. No matter how you treat me goodbye, if you find a love you're meant for me. You wouldn't take the old gray mare in the army because she had flat feet. Listen, there, that's flat and it can be worse than your cigarette. If you want a cigarette that won't go flat no matter how many you smoke, get camels. You see, camel cigarettes have more flavor. The result of expert blending of costlier tobaccos and more flavor is what helps camels hold up. Keep from going flat no matter how many you smoke. Prove that in your taste and throat, your T-zone. Your taste is your best place to test camel's rich extra flavor and your own throat will give you the last word on camel cigarette smooth extra mildness. And remember, camel stay fresh. Cool smoking and slow burning because they're packed to go around the world. C-A-M-T-L-S. Camel cigarettes, they're first in the service. They've got what it takes. Well, ladies and gentlemen, we present our play, The Adventures of Robinson Crusoe, starring the Abbott and Costello seafood cocktail players. That little shrimp Costello plays Robinson Crusoe. That old crab Charles Lawton plays his man Friday. And Bud Abbott is just along for the halibut. For the halibut. Ah, come on, Niles. And now it's the player I'll belt you with a smelt. As the scene opens, Robinson Costello and Bud Abbott are aboard ship in the midst of a terrific storm. And the ship is sinking. Come on, Costello. We have to dive over on. The ship is about the cap size. Cap what? Cap size. Cap size. Don't you know what cap size is? Yes, sir. Mine's six or seven-eight. Ah! Quiet. Come on. We'll have to swim for that island. Come on. Jump in the water. Ooh, ooh. All right. Look at me. I'm throwing a blue and red and pink and purple. I'm freezing in technic colors. Stop worrying and stop swimming. We've got to make the shore. Hey, Abbott. Hey, Abbott. I feel something. A shark is biting my toe. That can't be a shark. Sharks travel in schools. Then this one is playing hooky. Look. Listen, Costello. We'll float into shore. Here comes a big wave. I've got to wait for a little wax. Here it comes, Costello. Come on. Get ready. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Blow out my clothes and dry them. Yeah. Well, we made it all right. Now we've got to find out where we are. There's nothing on this island but dense tropical jungle. Hey, Abbott. Look up in that tree. It's a jet. That's a monkey. They sure fool you, don't they? Hey, Costello. Climb up that tree and see if there are any other signs of life around. But the monkey might bite me. Oh, just speak to him. Okay. Hi, little monkey. Hi, your brother. Hey. Quiet. I hear someone coming. Yes, it's over there. It's a native man. Speak to him, Costello. Okay. Hello, native. My name, Roberson Costello. We your friends. You welcome us to Ireland? Greetings, white man. My name, Friday. Welcome to this island. You all, yowzer, cheerio, piff, piff. And all that sort of thing. Yack, yack. Hey, Lawton, what kind of dialect is that? Me, native. Speak with a drool. You mean, wrong, wrong. No drool. Me, Reed, Esquire. Enough of this talk. He's got funnier lines than me. Now, wait a minute. Just a minute. Let's get together here. None of this kind of talk, Friday. We both need food and drink. What can you give us? Me, give you rubber. All my life, me eat the rubber and drink the sap from the rubber tree. I'll bet you were right. I'll bet you were right. I'll bet you were right. I'll bet you were right. I'll bet you were a tree. I'll bet you were a bouncing baby. I'll bet you were a bouncing baby. You said that once. Nobody hears me. Just a moment, Friday. Do you really enjoy this diet of rubber? Oh, yes, stranger. The rubber has a wonderful tang! But how do you feel if you eat this rubber? Oh, it makes me feel like a king. And you want to sing in the spring. I hear Lawton overaxing. You know, silence, you all. I'd like you to excuse me. Excuse me. Go on. The light is falling. You asked me to get boxes to your chest, didn't you? Now put them back in a cage. Right here. One more peep out of you. Box it up. Give you the bird. Bird? Yes, sir. Metal art. Nightingale. Robin. Where's your place? Castello, let's get back to the play. Remember, the play is the thing. Who called this thing a play? I look pretty. I look pretty. I look pretty. I look pretty. I look pretty. I look pretty. I look pretty. I look pretty. I look pretty. See, you started the war on us about this island. Don't pay any attention to this guy, Abbot. I know every island around here like a book. I've even been to the BVD Island. The BVD Island? Yes, the West, Undy. Undy. That's when I was working in short. Castello. Castello, sir. When you keep out of this and let me talk. Now tell me, Friday, do you think we're really in danger? There's no escape for us. Listen, why even now you can hear the drums of doom. Doom, doom, doom. Doom, doom, doom. Doom, doom, doom. You actually bum, bum. Doom, doom. Listen to those jive drums, Abbot. What does it mean? It means that the voodoo queen is about to make a human sacrifice. The sacrificial fires are already burning. Help! What's the matter? Oh, it's awful. First they put me in a big pot and then they take me out of the pot. Then they put me back in the pot and then they take me out of the pot. Wait a minute. Who are you? Oh, just a little poker chip. Come on, Miles. Stop making an ace of yourself. Never mind him, Castella. Come quickly. We must run for our lives. Yes. Before the audience comes up the stage and gets us. I am moving while reading scripts. No! Abbot is going to get a pot shot at me. Do not move or you will die. Look, the voodoo queen approaches with her three sacred guards. I will speak to the guards. Greetings. Greetings. Greetings. Greetings. Sounds like my draft board. Silence, white man. The queen is about to speak. Greetings, Friday. Greetings, Saturday. Saturday. Yes, I'm Friday and she's Saturday. Four of these three guys. Sunday, Monday, and all words. Castello. All words. Be careful what you say, Castello. Yes, and do not allow your eyes to stray from the queen's face. That is right. You must face me or face death. I'd rather face death. Oh, you fool. Do you not realize that beauty is only skin deep? Well, go skin yourself and come back. Oh, I've heard enough. These men must die. It's your majesty. Castello did not mean it. No. Castello just said it for a lock. Lock? Yes, or lock? Sparrow. Nightingale. Come on, come on. Come on, will you get out of here? Throw these men into the sacrificial fire. Quick, we've only one chance down in your knees. We must plead for our lives. Ask her for mercy. Come on, Castello. We must ask for mercy. Mercy. Mercy. Mercy. Mercy. Mercy, Oats and Doats. The land of empty tidings. Avid and Castello will be back in just a moment. Thanks to the angst of the week. Tonight, we salute 23-year-old Captain Herschel H. Green of Mayfield, Kentucky, our Thunderbolt pilot in Italy. Flying one of a squadron of P-47s, Captain Green shot down six German planes in 15 minutes, adding his score to 30 others shot down by the squadron in a single action with the loss of only one Thunderbolt. In honor of you and your squadron mates, Captain Herschel Green, the makers of camels are sending to our soldiers overseas 300,000 camel cigarettes. Each of the four camel radio shows honors the Yank of the Week, send 300,000 camel cigarettes overseas. The total of more than a million camels sent free each week. In this country, the traveling camel caravans have thanked audiences of more than three and a half million Yanks with free shows and free camels. Camel broadcasts go out to the United States four times a week. A short way to our men overseas and to South America. Listen tomorrow to Gary Moore and Jimmy Durante, Saturday to Bob Hawking, thanks to the Yanks. Monday to Blondie. And next Thursday to Abbot and Costello with their guest, Miss Dorothy Lamour. And now here's Abbot and Costello. Thanks, Ken. Well, Costello, let's go home and get ready for next Thursday's program. Oh, Abbot, who's going to be our guest star? Oh, that beautiful Paramount star, Dorothy Lamour. Ooh, Darcy Lamour. Abbot, is she going to be wearing her sarong? No, yes, yes. I guess she'll wear her sarong. Gee, what a quiet program we're going to have. What do you mean? What do you mean quiet? Everybody will be waiting for a pin to drop. Oh, get out of here. Good night, folks. Good night, neighbors. Good night, everybody. Be sure to tune in next week for another great Abbot and Costello show with their special guest, Miss Dorothy Lamour. Charles Lawton appeared tonight through the courtesy of Metro Golden Mayor, producers of Madame Curie. And remember, camel cigarettes are packed to go around the world. Camels stay fresh, cool smoking and slow burning because they're packed to go around the world. This is Ken Niles wishing you a very pleasant good night from Hollywood. More pipes smoke Prince Albert than any other tobacco in the whole world. Yes, sir. P.A.'s got plenty of pipe appeal. And you'll find out why if you get a big red two-ounce package of Prince Albert. It holds around 50 rich-tasting, swell-smoking pipefuls. And everyone is no-bite-treated to give you cool, tongue-happy smoking comfort. Prince Albert's crimp cut, too, to pack and burn and draw just right. More pipes smoke Prince Albert. It's the National Joy Smoke. We take you now to Washington, D.C., where you will hear the latest figures from the Treasury Department on the national total of war bond sales. Come in, Washington. And here is Ted R. Gamble, National Director of the War Finance Division Treasury Department. There's a fighting man watching you tonight. He's dog-tired and dirty, but neither fatigued nor night brings an end to his job of pushing back the enemy, your enemy as much as his. Yes, he's watching you tonight, and you know that his bit today was his best. He can thank God in these evening hours that he remains alive to fight through the night and tomorrow and through as many tomorrows as lie ahead until victory is won. He's watching you, watching the fourth war loan as it draws to a close. He knows as we all know that its success is with us, that our best, not our bit, will put it over. Tonight, we have reached 86% of our quota with sales of $12 billion and $62 million. Included in this total are sales to individuals of $3 billion, $157 million. With only four days left in this drive, every individual sale is needed. If you haven't bought your extra bond, make it your first order of business tomorrow. Thank you, Mr. Ted R. Gamble. This is the National Broadcasting Company.