 Campbell's, the cigarette that's first in the service, presents the Abbot and Costello program. With the music of Freddie Richie and his orchestra, the songs of Connie Haynes and the Campbell Five. Tonight's guest is Claire Trevor, and starring, but Abbot and Lou Costello. Costello, you're late again as you were. What kept you this time? Well, I got a phone call from my bank, and I had her run down there right away. What was the matter? The butter in my vote was melting. Oh. Costello! What do you want the vote for? Oh, in case I get some meat. Haven't you had any? Huh? Haven't you had any? No. The only way I can get meat is to stand over a gopher hole with a baseball bat. Oh, stop complaining. Things could be a lot worse. Nobody's worrying about getting meat. Oh, no. Yesterday I went to the market. The butcher put his arm on a counter, and before he knew it, three women bought it. Well, if you're so worried about nourishment, why not take vitamins like I do? Now, vitamin A gives me sunshine. Vitamin B gives me energy. Vitamin C gives me calcium. I'd take vitamin W. What does that give you? Wow! Ah! What's the discussion all about here, bud? Oh, hello, Ken. Hello, Kenneth. I was worrying about the meat shortage. You know how he is. His eyes are bigger than his stomach. They are? Hello, fat eyes. Of course, I'm not worried about the meat shortage. Why should you? With that mutton head. You should talk, fat boy. Who's fat? I got a military figure. That's right. If you wear a belt, your stomach goes over the top. Yes, skinny. Why don't you get a pair of snowshoes? What does he need snowshoes for? When he takes a bath, he won't slide down the drain. No! That's no way to talk. Oh, no. When he gets undressed, it's like unveiling a cow stick. No, no, no, no, no! He's so skinny, he has to put a bell on his tonsils to prove he's breathing. Just a minute, Costello. You're always making fun of my physique. You should see my chest expense. Yeah, go on, Ken Shaw. Take a deep breath. All right. And a boy. No more, Ken. Deeper. That's it. Deeper. More air. Guess I breathed too deep. Look, Niles, if that watch of yours only fed you some meat, you wouldn't have gone apart that day. Look, my wife doesn't have to. I'm a vegetarian. I'm crazy about vegetables. You must be to be married to that old tomato. I heard that remark, Costello. Ah, now don't fret, darling. I'll tell him. Costello, I'll have you know my wife is a striking woman. And you got the black and blue march to prove it. Now, Costello, you'll have to admit that Mrs. Niles has a winning smile. Yeah, and a losing face. Oh, is that so? How have you know my picture has been on many a cover? Magazine or manhole. There you talk that way. Why, men throw their hearts at my feet. Float at my feet. Gifts at my feet. What have your feet got that you haven't got? Now, wait a minute. This isn't getting the meat problem solved. You see, Mrs. Niles, before you came in, we were discussing the meat shortage. Oh, that doesn't affect me. I get my meat for the pound. Next time you pass the pound, get me some. You don't, eh? Here, Queenie. Come on, Queenie. Please, please, I'll stop that. Here, Queenie, come here. And you stop that. Will you behave yourself? Leave Mrs. Niles alone. Now, don't tell me what to do, Evan. I'm going to get some meat if I have to go out and hunt it myself. Come in, Costello. I just overheard that you were going hunting, and I thought I'd drop in and say hello. I am the Game Warden up in the woods. My name is Boon, Mr. Boon. That's it. Boon, Boon. Boon, Boon, Boon. I know your sister. That is a very good idea to go hunting. When you eat, everybody dares to eat. Even old Mother Hubbard. Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard to get his dog a bone. And when she got there, the bone was there. So she ate it. My name is Boon, Boon. Was your mother ever frightened by a broken record? I know a home too, Boon. This little piggy went to the market. This little piggy stayed home. This little piggy got Roche Peave. She knew to bush it. Well, as Mr. Boon, are there any restrictions on hunting up in your woods? Well, you can't go shooting all the animals. You see, they have just as much right to live as I. Even more. And now to the rules. Are you, Loot Costello, going hunting with Mother Hubbard? Yes. Then kindly step forward. Do you both promise to honor and obey the hunting laws of the state? I do. I do. Do you solemnly promise to love and cherish the grandeur of nature? I do. And in the event of danger, do you solemnly promise to protect each other until death do you part? I do. Very well then. I now pronounce you man and wife. The name is Boon, Boon. Boon, Boon, Boon. Man and wife. Well, Abbott, aren't you going to kiss me? Get out of here. But, uh, look, do you know anything about flying? Sure I do. I was flying even when I was a little kid. Really? I jumped off the roof with an umbrella, and I stayed in the air for three hours. Oh, wait a minute. How could you stay in the air for three hours? My pants got caught on the drain pipe. A ripping joke. But, no, but, look, I'm talking about real flying. Like trying to tear the wings off an experimental ship and a power dive? Stuff like that is just meat and potatoes for Red Hulks, the Curtis test pilot who tried out the Navy's amazing new dive bomber. And whether it's planes or cigarettes, Red Hulks likes to test things out for himself. He said, quote, I picked camels after I'd smoked them long enough to know that they were the only brand that suited me best on all accounts. They're really easy on my throat, and they give me that whole rich taste I like. Unquote. Yes, with men in all the services, camel is the favorite, according to actual sales records in post exchanges and canteens. You're in good company when you smoke camels. You're joining thousands of men and women who have been smoking them for more than 25 years. Smoking camels. The cigarette we believe more people have been smoking longer than any other. Loyalty like that proves camel's character. The thing that makes you like camels more with every pack you smoke. You can find out about character for yourself in your T-zone. T for taste and T for throat. Your own proving ground for flavor and mildness. You'll find that camels have more flavor and it's extra flavor that helps them to wear well, pack after pack. Camels are extra mild too because they're slow burning and cool smoking. For steady smoking, stick to camel. The cigarette that's expertly blended of costlier tobaccos. C-A-M-E-L-S Camel, get a pack tonight. You'll want to buy a carton tomorrow. Freddie Richter's Orchestra and the Camel 5 introduce the title song from Dick Powell's new picture, Happy, Go Lucky. Can this be me feeling so happy, go lucky looking in your happy, go lucky eye Can this be me feeling so happy, go lucky who always actin' so smart and wise How you want to be able to shoot plenty of meat up here? I don't know, Rabbit. There's two crawl up here. Let's get back to town. I want to get my spine defrosted. Oh, don't be silly. This is invigorating. It isn't cold. It isn't cold. Certainly not. I just saw Squirrel going down the road wearing a silver fox. What's the matter with your eyesight? That's nonsense. The right behind him was a rabbit wearing earmuffs. Oh, no, no, no. What was that happenin'? Come on, Guy. Rabbit, rabbit, somebody, I don't know. Never mind that. Next page, next page. Well, come on, let's get our things unpacked. Did you bring my red hunting jacket? I hope. You dummy, I can't go hunting without a red jacket. Now, you know that. Don't worry, don't worry. You'll have a red jacket. I will. Yeah, I brought your Palm Beach shootin' four bottles of ketchup. Well, anyhow, I sent it for a guy to take his hunting. I wish he'd get here. I'm dying for a piece of venison. Venison, sure, that's deer meat. Wouldn't you like to shoot a buck, deer? I haven't got a buck, honey. I'm talking about hunting. Haven't you ever hunted before? Oh, sure. I caught a meat to shot nine bucks in 15 minutes. Now, that's ridiculous. How could you shoot nine bucks in 15 minutes? If you ever go out with a hungry blonde, sure, I should say not. Oh, skippin', and get that suitcase unpacked. Hey, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Sounds like a mouse in that suitcase. Open it up. It's a mouse, all right. And I'm a three and a half years old. It's a kid again, ain't it? Yeah. Oh, boy, oh, boy. Hey, Matilda. Now, look, this is no place for a little girl. A girl, whatever it is. Why don't they make bigger tights? All right, never mind that. Now, be nice. There's a lot of wild animals up here. I'm not afraid of animals. My daddy's an elk. Elk? Matilda. That kind of an elk isn't an animal. You never saw my daddy. Why don't you stick your head in a bear trap and don't let go? Castella, how can you be so unkind to that child? She has a good head on her. Her head in the back would start a softball game. Uncle Louis, can I go happen with you? I know how to handle animals. Once I grab the cow by the horn. Now, Matilda, behave. The cow hasn't any horns. No wonder I got milk. Ah, Matilda. Now, Matilda, how can you be so stupid? Now, Castella, Matilda's just a child. Her brain is developing. Yeah, too little and too late. Uncle Louis, Uncle Louis, I want to go happen with you. I want to pull a bear's tail. No, you don't. If you pull a bear's tail, it will bite you. No, it won't. Then why not? Bears don't bite with that end. And look, Matilda, will you do us a favor, please? Just run along and don't bother us now. The guy that's going to be here soon will take us hunting. And Uncle Louis and I have to unpack. Well, before I go, Uncle Louis, can I do my animal impersonation? Okay, anything at all. What is it? It goes like this. Kiss, ouch, kiss, ouch. Wait a minute. What's that kiss? That's two porcupines, naked. I'd like to find out who Matilda's rider is. Not bad. What's the matter now? For a minute, that kid... I thought I was a hundred and three and a half years old. A hundred and three and a half? Wait a minute. That must be the guide now. Come in. Howdy, fellows. I'm your hunting guide. Hey, Evan, it's a dame. Quiet, certainly. Don't you recognize her? It's Claire Trevor. Mrs. Trevor, we weren't expecting a girl. We thought a man was going to lead us. Well, didn't you ever follow a woman before? Well, once I followed a woman, no one used to catch me. Papa? No, another guy beat me to her. Now, don't talk like that, love. Oh, that's all right, Mr. Abbott. You know, my sister thinks Costello is the best comedian on the air. Oh, gee, thanks. I'd like to meet her. Well, you can. We never let her out of the attic. What a clever Trevor. Yes, Costello behaved. Now, Mrs. Trevor... Oh, won't you call me Claire? Well... Will you call me Bud? Will you call me when this is all over? By the way, Claire, how did you happen to become a guy handling guns and rifles? Well, you see, in pictures, I used to be a gangster's mole. Mole? The word is mouth. I know, but I can't get a laugh with mouth. That takes care of me, sister. All right, all right. Now, just take it easy. No remarks, Costello. You see, Claire, the reason we came up here in the woods is because of the meat shortage. Costello wants to do a little hunting. Oh, really? What's your favorite animal? Roast beef. There, Costello. People don't hunt roast beef. What was that line in front of butchers this morning? Termites? All right, I'll just let it go with that. Take it easy. All right, boys, let's get to the hunting trip. Now, you start out at five o'clock in the morning. You trap for 15 miles with a pack on your back, a lilt in your voice, a song in your soul, and a blister on my heel. We should reach the mountain by noon, don't you think, Claire? Yes, that's about right. And 12 to one, we climb the mountain. 12 to one, I don't make it. It must be beautiful on top of the mountain, Claire. Oh, it is. And you can listen to your echo. You simply say, hello. And then the echo says, hello. How shall we lane it? And then I yell again, how are you? And the echo comes back, how are you? And then I say it's a nice day. Say Claire. Oh, yes. You enjoy that sort of thing? Quiet, Constelle, go ahead. No, I never mind. Acting with the curds. There's no echoes. Huh? Echoes, echoes. Maybe Claire enjoys them. Maybe you don't. So just keep quiet. Go ahead. I like it, Claire. It's not that, Claire. It's not those things. This is entirely different. Now, behave. Oh, it's exciting. Yes. And as you're standing there, suddenly you hear a loud roar, and through the brush comes the most ferocious stare in the world. Oh, grizzly. Constelle, you rush up and grab them with your bare hands. What kind of a fool do you think I am? Why, are there different kinds? Constelle, what would you do in the face of such danger? Why, I'll do what I did once before. What do you mean? A bear was coming at me. No, I picked up my gun. He did? And with one bullet, I shot him in the foot and knocked all his teeth out. Now, wait a minute. How could you knock all his teeth out if you shot him in the foot? He was biting his nails. Here's Connie Haynes of the Camel 5 with a sparkling tune from Paramount Star Spangled River, doing it for defense. Mr. Bourne, yes, it's right. I'm your date for your time. I'm doing it for a month. You've been brilliant. You owe me a refund. It's because I just can't afford a bond. If you think you care. I'm trying to pick up some animal tracks. Followers. Okay. Keep clear. What are you wearing? That's no bustle. No knapsack. Slip. Trail of something. Hey, hey. Go away. Go away. Be careful of that dog, Costello. It's an airdale. I know. I can feel the air. Oh, dear. I suppose I should have brought a muscle. A muscle? A muscle. So you should have brought a muscle. Why do you bite, too? Ah, yeah. I'll stop these remarks, Costello. Clare's dog is very intelligent. He certainly is. Roger? Roger. How much is one and one? How? How? Good. How much is two and two? Hey, Roger. What time is it? You'd better get your guns loaded. We may come across some game any minute. Your gun loaded, Costello? Yes. Wait a minute. Look. There's a wild turkey over there. He hasn't. A turkey. All right. Take it easy now. Sight your gun. Now. Ready? Aim. Ah! Mustn't shoot the bird when it's not your turn. I'm the warden named Boon Boon. Boon Boon. That's the second warden. I'm the guide. And Mr. Costello isn't doing anything wrong. Yes, he is. That's too large a gun for such a small bird. A naughty naughty named Boon Boon Boon. It boom, boom, boom. Wait a minute. Can I use a bow and arrow? Oh, no. That was too sharp. Too sharp. Then can I use a swing shot? No. That would bruise the bird. Do you mind if I just give him a dirty look? Hey, wait a minute. They have a whole flock of ducks getting up out of the water. Oh, yes. You stand in the middle, Costello. In the middle? Don't you two shoot over me? Yes. And I'll take the high bird. And I'll take the low bird. And I'll be in a hospital before you. Take care. You see, that bear tracks over there across the stream. Yes, I think so. Go ahead, Costello. Jump across the stream. Okay. Hi, dear. But if you try to kiss me, I'll call for mother. Oh, goodie. She's getting a girl for me. Quiet, boys. Look, see how these bears tracks go right into that cave? I think we'll find our grizzly inside. Yes. I see the two eyes shining in the dark. Step aside. Have it. I'll get them. Come out of there, you old grizzly. I'm going to shoot. Here, more time. Matilda, what are you doing in this cave? I went in there to catch this little pussycat. It's a whip, which is a napkin. Oh, no, little girl. That's a skunk. That's what I said. A whip's a nap. Listen, Matilda, you better get out of here. Go on back to the cabin. But what if I meet a very ferocious animal? He'll have to take care of himself. Go on, beat it. Hey, boys, come here. You know, I think the bear's already been in this cave. Here's a piece of fur off his coat. Coat? You mean a bear wears a coat? No, you dummy pelt. Hide, hide. Why should I hide? He means hide. Hide. The bear's outside. We don't want him in here. Oh, come on. Let's get moving. We've got to find our grizzly before it gets dark. You know, there's another cave about 10 miles from here. 10 miles? Yeah, let's walk fast. Well, here we are. We surely got here fast, didn't we? Yeah, well, we had to. This is only a five-minute sketch. Oh, hey, listen. There's something over there. Look, it's a wolf. Oh, that's the idea, Niles. You can't be a wolf. Why not? He's from Hollywood. I was going to do some hunting. Oh, Costello, look. There's a little beaver down in the street. Isn't he cute? I wonder what the little beaver's doing. Probably waiting for Red Rider. Right, Red Rider. Why don't you try some beaver meat, Costello? Okay, hand me my gun. Ah! I'm boom, boom, boom. Must you shoot the little beaver? For a tax, $50. After all, beaver's been done. You mean dams. It's wearing tax $40. You better pay, Costello. 40 bucks. Don't make me laugh. Laugh? I'm losing my tax $20. Hey, Abbott. Hand me my gun. Oh, don't shoot. Remember, I'm the game warden, boom. Yes, Costello. Now you're in real trouble. You said it. I don't know how to cook a game warden. First for the men in the Army. First for the men in the Navy. First for the men in the Marine Corps. First for the men in the Coast Guard. Services, Camel is the favorite according to actual sales records in post exchanges and canteens. Remember that whether you're buying cigarettes to send to men in the service or to smoke yourself. Camels have the flavor, extra flavor that helps them to hold up pack after pack no matter how many you smoke. And camels have the extra mildness. Low burning and cool smoking that go with costlier tobaccos expertly blended. For steady smoking, stick to camels. Your throat and your taste will tell you. C-A-M-D-L-S. Camels, get a pack tonight. Send a carton to that fellow in the service. And remember, you can still send camels to Army personnel in the United States and to men in the Navy, Marines or Coast Guard, wherever they are. The post office rule against mailing packages applies only to those sent to the overseas Army. Before we hear from Aberdeen Costello again, here is an important announcement from our government for every young woman between the ages of 18 and 35. Your country is facing a shortage of nurses. A shortage so serious that the safety of our war wounded and the health of our civilians are in grave danger. Mid-year classes for student nurses are being formed now. Every student nurse will immediately help to free trained nurses for overseas duty because students start hospital work right away. Women who are unable to afford tuition may apply for scholarships. Here's what you do. If you are a citizen between 18 and 35, graduated from high school and in good health, write today from Student Nurses, Box 88, New York City. And now, here's Bud Abbott and Lou Costello again. Thanks, Ken. Ladies and gentlemen, next Thursday night our program will be broadcast from the Navy receiving station at San Pedro, California. So, to Captain Feynman and a staff and to my fine friends, Chaplain Bennett and Lieutenant Commander Myers, thanks for the invitation and we'll all be seeing you next week. And our guests will be Betty Hutton. So good night, everybody. Good night. Remember, Abbott sent four great radio shows each week. Campbell Caravan's Tomorrow Night, Bob Hawks on Saturday. Monday night is surrounding and next Thursday night, Abbott and Costello with Betty Hutton. Claire Trappler, who appeared with us this evening, will soon be seen in Columbia Pictures' forthcoming technicolor film, The Desperado. And now, this is Ken Niles, reminding you to hear the Campbell Caravan's Tomorrow Night and wishing you all a pleasant good night from Hollywood. Music Same as the pipe smoker. How does your tongue feel after smoking a couple of good long pipe pours? If it feels uncomfortable, why not switch to Prince Albert, the pipe tobacco that's no bite treated for cool, tongue-happy smoking comfort. P.A.'s crimp cut, too. That means it's easy to pack, easy to keep lit, and easy to draw. And remember, there are around 50 mild, rich-tasting pipe pours to every handy pocket package of Prince Albert. Try P.A.'s...