 Hi, I'm Dexter Griff from the popular web series Red vs. Blue. And I'm Simmons from the same show. And Ahoy! It is I! Loveable Caboose! Here also as well. Today the three of us are going to be talking about the ever-evolving world of modern tech. I guess techmo I got a- Hey Caboose, you know what would be super helpful? If you left and went to the store and grabbed the most technically impressive thing you can find. Field trip? Ah, field trip! Yes, sir! New technology may seem scary, but we assure you there's no need to fear. Take it from us. Two idiots on the internet. Because if you don't heed our advice and get with the times, you're risk ending up like Sarge. Did somebody buzz my pager? I was busy trying to find a cure for polio! And listening to Duran Duran albums on cassette! Go back to bed, old man! One of the ways human evolution has officially hit its peak is transportation. Taxis have been entirely replaced by rideshare apps. Which are totally not the same thing. Want to get around on your own? Well, some billionaire dropped pay by the mile scooters in pretty much every major city overnight and for some reason, no one seems to care. Then before long, even more pointless modes of transportation started showing up like bikes, skateboards, rollerblades, unicycles, even cars! That's right! If you see a car you like on the side of the road, you can just hop in and take it. It's pretty much just full on Grand Theft Auto at this point. But Griff, what if you can't legally drive because of crippling windshield wiper anxiety? It's a real thing. Well, my phobia riddled co-worker, you'll be happy to know that self-driving cars are right around the corner. Which is good because satellites pretty much have a monopoly on knowing how to get anywhere now anyway. Robot drivers? But aren't those things super dangerous? Oh yeah. For sure. But let's just say you want to get away from it all by staying in away from it all. By far, the best part about the future is that you can get anything delivered straight to your door. You've heard of one-day shipping and same-day shipping, but coming soon, they're even working on previous-day shipping. Oh, sweet. Looks like I'm ordering flip-flops tomorrow. And it doesn't just stop at annoying footwear. You can get literally anything delivered now. I'm talking cheeseburgers, ice cream, 120-ounce ribeye, another 120-ounce ribeye for the surgically-attached second stomach you had dot-give you with superior modern tech. It can all be brought to you with a simple swipe. Surgically-attached stomach? I got a 3 o'clock order for Dexter. Right here. And, pro tip, if you threaten to leave a bad review, they'll feed it to you. Oh god, not you again! They will even feed it to you. I'll get the shovel. Social media has also changed a lot in the last few years. Built-in camera apps deliberately blur and warp your face so you think you're much better looking than you actually are. It's subtle, but it's there. In fact, you don't even need to do that one cool thing you do a year to make others feel boring. Now, you can just take a picture on the green screen and BAM! Here I am wine-tasting with Tucker on the moon, or Grimp and I at the top of Everest, and here's me at my totally real wedding to a totally real girl. She lives in Canada. Completely hate the way you look down to the core? We've got filters that can totally change your age and gender, like this old man filter. Whoa! I've now too! Back in the day, when we saw Mufasa get trampled by that stampede, we knew it was 100% real! But now, with these darned CGI lines, nothing's real anymore. Even TV's been ruined! Now they just eardrop every episode at once for you to slam through on one of those 50 streaming sites that you need in order to keep up with the one show you actually like! And by the time you finish it, you've completely forgotten everything you watch! It's not our fault you have laid on set dementia. Games are on phones! Your fridge knows the weather! Books are now sound! Advertisements are inside of YouTube videos! This episode of Red vs. Blue is brought to you by... No! Hey! Technology sucks! It might look like all sunshine and hand grenades on the surface, but deep below in its molten core is the root of all evil! Work? Dating sites that ask for your height? Subliminal messaging! Big tick is out there in the shadows, swooping up your lax. Your dyslex! Your fears! If you're dumb enough to have any, and then settling them to the highest bidder to turn you into sleeper agents! Or worse, woke agents! Using that information to find the perfect product to sell you! That sounds awesome! Who wouldn't want to see ads for things they want? It's about the principle! I don't need some mega-trillionaire in my head telling me what I want! That's PIZO's brain! Even worse, Muskmind! Only I know what I want, and it's never, ever what I actually want! Ahoy again! As requested, I've returned with the best piece of technology! Addressed directly to search! It's... It's perfect! I'll take 12! No! A dozen! And it comes in red! Zuckerberg would've never predicted I wanted that! And so they say that Sarge's heart grew to three sizes that day. Food order for it! God damn it, no! Oh shit! Gotta run! Fourth lunch is here! Grr! Get back here right away! I need something with enough fat content to act as a ballistics gel! Haha! Oh, I can't wait to see what this thing can do! Ad-dust technology is always changing! Sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse. But regardless, we can all agree, it's nothing to fear, but just an inevitable part of life. You know what, Caboose? I had my doubts, but maybe it was a good idea to have you on this PSA. What's a PSA? So! Thanks for checking out that episode of RVB! 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