 Amen, Romans chapter 3. So keep your place there. We'll get there in just a few minutes. So this morning we're going to talk Actually this morning and tonight and then really the next two weeks We're going to talk about relationships. We're going to talk about relationships in the Sunday morning service This morning tonight We're starting a sermon series about relationships and then next week We'll finish that sermon series and also have another sermon Sunday morning about relationships So basically the title of the sermon this morning is a short list a short list so This morning I want to talk about how to have Relationships that last for the long haul so you say how what do you mean by that the average if you look up? Just studies on just friendships. I mean not obviously there's many more Important relationships in our lives than just friendships But if you look up, you know just secular studies on friendships the average friendship is about seven years For people, you know, I mean it would be nice to have friends longer than seven years I mean wouldn't you say I mean if you could find a way to have Relationships that lasted your whole life just imagine the impact that that would have on you Imagine the impact that it would have on I don't know like how about your marriage, you know It would have a great impact on your marriage. You would have a great impact on your church life Church life studies are similar. There's about you know when you look at you know studies on especially Baptists and how long people stay with the same church You look at you're looking at about 40 to 50 percent of people that can that stay in the same church for more than 20 years and For some reason, I mean I think I understand what this reason is But it seems that the older people get the more the better they are at staying in the same church Which it makes sense the older you get the more stable you are in your life Hopefully, you know that seems to be the trend, but just imagine if you could have Relationships a marriage a church life that just lasted your whole life I mean how great would that be the thing is the Bible tells us how we can accomplish this and it's not a complicated thing so first of all your enrollments chapter 3 if we look if you follow everything that is is Preach from the Bible this Sunday and next Sunday you will have Relationships that last your whole life. You will have a marriage that lasts your whole life You will have a church life that lasts your whole life And you have friends that last your whole life if you can do these things, right? They're very simple things But for some reason, you know the flesh gets in the way and people make Mistakes in this path and this is why people have you know friends that don't last their whole life and things like this Go to Romans chapter 3. So I'm gonna we're talking about a short list. That's the title of the sermon this morning I'm gonna show you how to have relationships that last you know longer than seven years this morning But first of all, we need a problem statement before we can solve something You know, we need to understand what the problem is and Romans chapter 3 if you're a soul winner You know exactly what I'm talking about with these verses look at verse number 10 in Romans chapter 3 So we're gonna define the problem first of all Here's the problem that you're gonna run into in all of your relationships. I don't care what relationship We're talking about you're gonna run into these problems Romans chapter 3 and verse 10 The Bible says as it is written there is none righteous. No, not one Nobody is righteous Meaning, you know righteous meaning you do write all the time or a lot of people will define it as perfect You never make a mistake right look at Romans 3 verse number 23 The Bible says for all have sinned and come short of the glory of God you say what are you trying to tell me pastor? I already know this I already know these things. That's obvious that everybody's a sinner It's obvious that nobody is perfect. Well, here's the problem. Here's the problem in this life With these people you say what people all the people With all the people that you're gonna deal with in your life all the people you know, what about this church? Yeah, the people in this church all the people in this church Including and up to the pastor and the pastor's wife and the pastor's family are sinners They are not righteous. They they go wrong all the time Okay, they say what does that mean? It means they say and do the wrong things basically to just sum it up So we're dealing with all these people in our lives. It's kind of like it's like an equation where every variable is moving Where every variable is is is not constant like you're not righteous People you deal with people your friends with are not righteous. We're all sinners But look this is this is cause and effect is what I'm talking to you about this morning the cause The cause is that we're all unrighteous. We're all sinners. The effect is that there's going to be conflict That that's the effect It's you know cause and effect like you know Johnny took a cookie So Johnny the effect the cause is Johnny took a cookie the effect is Johnny got a spanking right a simple cause and effect Because we are all imperfect. We are all sinners There is going to be conflict in our relationships and look especially in a church because we spent a lot of time together In this church we we've come to church three times a week We hang out for hours talking many times till late in the night and look there's just there's just going to be conflict You know when you have relationships where there's so much time spent together Meaning people are going to say and do things that offend you. It's very very simple Someone's gonna you know someone's gonna insult you At some point in your life, you know either directly or indirectly, you know Maybe there's like these people that gaslight you they're insulting you and and and like they're not directly insulting you It's it gaslightings where you're like is was that a shot at me? You know where people are making comments and just like is he insulting me It's insulting me by that comment. You'd be shocked how many times people do this to a pastor actually Happens to me quite a bit But you know some maybe it's just something simple like somebody says something in a group of friends that they think is really funny But you don't think it's funny. You know you're like that's not funny You know, maybe it was at your expense it offended you maybe somebody does something You know you get to be good friends with somebody and maybe you go into business Or you do something where you're you're trading services or something somebody does something that ends up costing you money ends up costing you, you know They borrow something and then they they don't pay you back or maybe somebody even just outright just steals from you. I Mean these types of things are going to happen in Relationships in your life. They borrow something and they wreck it or whatever I mean these are the types of things That are going to happen to you in relationships in your life guaranteed Guaranteed so you don't have to have something like this happen to you and be like, oh man Ah, I have to nuke the world because this happened me know this happens to everybody because everybody's a sinner and Everybody is dealing with Sinners so how do we get along? How could you possibly when you're dealing with people like this when I say people like this? I mean people In general, that's a romance chapter 3 is telling us it's saying all people are like this All people are going to do things that are wrong. How do we get along? How do we have relationships that last longer than this seven years that is the average today? You know many people don't have any friends at all, but people that have friends the average is seven years especially in a church which is look is my goal my goal would be that everybody in this church It has friends and brothers and sisters in Christ and they are like that forever I know that that's not going to happen, you know a hundred percent But the higher the percentage of that is the more successful. I feel like I am as a as a church leader That's what I want. That's my goal. That's why sermons like this need to probably be preached more or not less because so many people I mean think about think about just from my perspective, you know I mean as far as you know offending people and having people you know having relationships I want to have a good relationship with everybody in the church But I mean here I am I preach a hundred and fifty plus sermons a year and Many of the sermons I preach are actually sermons that people don't necessarily want to hear all the time That's quite a spot to be in for me I mean so look but the point I'm trying to make is this with Relationships in our lives. It is a matter of if not when somebody will offend you or Upset you or wrong you in some way Right, I'm not even saying that like you know you're that it could be a legitimate wrong It is just a matter of time It is going to happen and then what happens in that case is that people end up building a list against people People end up building a list of offenses that people have done to them So the title of the sermon as I said is a short list So I'm going to show you from the Bible this morning how to keep that short list and more importantly Really how to clear that list Because the Bible teaches us two very simple steps on how to have a clear List with people if you want to have friends if you want to have a friend That is a great friend for the rest of your life your list with that friend will be clear And at any moment in time it will at least be very short and then hopefully cleared Very quickly using this Method if you look you want to have a great marriage You will have a short list and you will have a clear list With your spouse alright, so let's look at this process and see what the Bible has to say Go to 1st Corinthians chapter 6 this you up when it comes to someone offending you somebody doing wrong And I don't care who it is. I don't care if it's your friend your brother your sister if it's your pastor If it's your spouse, I don't care who it is. You have two choices when somebody offends you look at 1st Corinthians chapter 6 Let's look at the first choice So we're looking at how to keep a short list with people and not only have that short list But how to clear that list with people because when you end up with a long list against somebody that is when Relationships end and that is why people don't have relationships beyond just a few years Look at 1st Corinthians chapter 6 now keep in mind that Paul is writing this letter to a church in Corinth Look at 1st Corinthians chapter 6 and verse number one the Bible says this dare any of you having a matter against another Here we have some conflict right here go to law before the unjust and not before the saints Do you not know that the saints shall judge the world? And if the world should be judged by you Are you unworthy to judge the smallest matters here? You had these people in this church you say oh, man There's you know there's been there's been conflict in churches since the beginning of churches And here was a church where these people had matters against each other. What were they doing? They were suing each other. They were taking church members to Like the judge to the Gentiles there, you know the Romans I mean they were literally suing he's like why in the world would you be doing this? He's like this is not what you should do. He's like, don't you know that the saints? He's like the people in your church are going to be judging, you know They're going to be ruling during the millennial reign with Christ He's like don't you think that they can handle these small silly little matters Amongst yourself. Don't you think that they basically saying that don't you think Christians have better judgment? Than just like the worldly secular authorities out there. He's like, what are you doing? Look at this? verse 4 if you then have judgments of things pertaining to this life, he's saying matters of he's not talking about Doctrine, he's not talking about, you know the gospel. He's talking about just like just matters That pertaining to this life material things, you know Silly arguments. He's a set them to judge who are least esteemed in the church. He's like you were better. You'd be better off Taking the the least reliable person Person with the worst reputation in the church Then and letting them judge the matter then go into the outside authorities. I Mean that is a hundred percent true. I mean who in the world would listen to like the judgment of especially You know a secular government. I mean what in the world, right? He's like I speak to your shame It is so that there is not a wise man among you Know you're not that that that one shall be able to judge between his brethren But brother go to law with brother and that before the unbelievers It's like these people were suing each other taking their business to the unbelievers look at verse number seven Now he gives them the solution Here's the first best solution when you have conflict with somebody especially in the church He says now therefore there's utterly a fault among you. He's not he's not denying the fact There's actually something that's been done wrong. There's a fault He says but you know the fault now that you have is that you're suing each other He says because you go to law with one another He's like now like you all have problems regardless of who was right or wrong in that situation He's saying you're you're at fault. You're all at fault now because you know you're suing each other He says why do you not rather take wrong? Why do you not rather suffer yourselves to be defrauded? So that's the first method right there somebody offends you in the church Paul is just saying I have those two words Underlined in my Bible. He says the first best thing that you can do is just take wrong. What's that mean? He's he's saying just then he defines it later as suffer yourself to be defrauded. He says Now what that means is you just you know what it means it means it means just let it go It's it's matters of this life It's matters of this life. It's either material things or Your emotions or whatever. He's like the best thing that you could do Choice number one to keep a short list for people and look if you could just do this with everything You'll have a clear list with people. He's saying you know what he's like just let it go He's like just suffer yourself Be defrauded You know look some people Some people are offended by everything There's actually a term for an entire generation of people called the snowflake generation Like you look it up and like it's a it's a defined generation You know term at this point of basically anybody that became an adult after 2010 So 2010 2011 and on if you became an adult at that point this there's just this generation They just can't handle anything. They're offended by everything Everything offends them. This is the advice that that generation needs to take. You know what take wrong Take wrong. I mean look it's all about look the problem with the snowflake generation and people that are offended by literally everything Is that they will achieve nothing? Because it's always somebody that did them wrong. It's always somebody else, you know, it's always what they didn't get It's always, you know, how they were disadvantaged according to what somebody did to them You know, it's it's like this this whole snowflake thing and being offended by everything is a disease unto itself So the Bible says the best thing you can do when somebody offends you is just take wrong That's it right because what this what would be in a snowflake actually does and what it actually means is that by just Blaming everything and being offended by everything what it really translates to is that you take responsibility for nothing is That nothing is ever your fault You know, this is the person that's just making excuse after excuse after excuse for every single failure that they have So we shouldn't be that person. All right, as far as you know getting offended We shouldn't just you know, you should ask yourself, you know, do I get offended by it too much? If you just constantly offended by people you're constantly just like this person offended me and this person offended me You're constantly being offended by people wherever you go, not just at church at work other places. Look, you might be a snowflake And it's a major problem because look that means you know what that means It means you don't have the ability to do what Paul is saying in 1st Corinthians chapter 6 You don't have the ability to take wrong You don't have the ability to let things go now look letting it go Let me just say taking wrong Suffering yourself to be defrauded means like we have to first understand what that means to That means not letting it stack up. That means deleting it. That means delete key. That's what that means It doesn't mean going to other people being like This person did this to me But I'm just gonna suffer myself to be defrauded And you go and just talk a bunch of trash About what somebody did to you, but I'm just gonna suffer myself to be defrauded. No, you're not suffering yourself to be defrauded You're you're doing what we're gonna talk about in just a few minutes What's suffering yourself to be defrauded means you shut up and you let it go That's what it means. It means it means you take the wrong You don't go and spread a bunch of trash Saying ah, I'm just and then people are like all you're such a great You know spiritual person that you're you're suffering. No, it means you be quiet and you just let it go you take the wrong You say I can't do that This particular case. I just I can't do it. I can't let it go I don't have the ability to do that. Maybe it's a weakness that I have you say Maybe it's just like I feel like the offense was so great That I need to deal with it. Well, there's another option in the Bible turn to Matthew chapter 18 You say I can't let it go now Matthew chapter 18 and I will preach about this till I'm blue in the face But it is the most simple consistent doctrine in the Bible from Jesus by the way from Jesus himself That Christians routinely ignore and the results look the results if they ignore this are Absolutely devastating They're devastating to the person that ignores it many times They're devastating to many people around them that they involve as well look at Matthew chapter 18 verse number 15 So obviously the first best option if somebody offends you is to just let it go suffer yourself to be defrauded The second one is this look at Matthew chapter 18 if you say I just can't do that. I can't do that in this case It's just too great. I feel like you know if if I just let it go It's not going to help things that it's a big problem. Well, look at Matthew chapter 18 verse number 15 The Bible says Jesus says more out more over if thy brother shall trespass against thee Go and tell him his fault between thee and Him alone if he shall hear thee thou has gained a brother now notice something here notice something in this verse It says first of all somebody really trespassed against you It's assuming that like you've been done wrong here So somebody came and they did me wrong or they did you wrong the Bible is saying hey, you know That's fine. Go and tell him his fault between thee and him now Wouldn't it just be good enough to say between thee and him Wouldn't it be good enough to just say hey go and tell him his fault between thee and him Why put that extra word in there that extra word in there is there to make a point That extra word is there to show you how important it is that you go to that Individual person that offended you and you go and you tell him Alone it is saying tell him and just like alone not not go to 50 other people and then go to him or Her or whatever it's saying look it's like It's fine if somebody trespassed against you. I get it. That's gonna happen is what Jesus is saying here He's like it's easy to solve. He's like you go straight to him Alone there's not a bunch of people around it's just you go up to your brother and you just tell them Hey, you know brother you offended me and look and it says here if he shall hear thee Thou has gained my brother now look here's the thing, you know, it doesn't mean you go around to 20 people lobbying your case Before you do this you don't go around, you know campaigning look, this is a cultural thing today This is a cultural thing that people think is normal People think it is normal to have somebody wrong them and to just go around and tell everybody else How somebody wronged them? It's normal. I brought up, you know, it's it's in like there used to be a TV show called survivor Maybe there still is I don't know but they that's what they they encourage that there You go around and you talk behind people's back and you you come up with you know different things to you know There there's it's a cultural thing like people literally like I will like you know There's this is a common thing with like You know in in the workplace. I've done this for years and years and years whenever somebody is is texting or emailing somebody and You know if that that Conversation goes awry in some way where there's some kind of you know perceived conflict in that email conversation The advice I will always give to that person is whenever you think that there's a conflict through email You get up and you go talk to that person directly No more emails no more texts It's like you're just doing business between email and all of a sudden like whoa, what was that all about get up and go talk to them immediately Because many I mean that but but that's not the culture today The culture today is to go and tell co-workers and be like you believe this guy sent me this email one the world You believe this you believe this email. I mean you believe a tone of this First of all like texts and emails can just be completely misunderstood. You know I had a what you know We are sometimes you just like having a complicated conversation with somebody is better to pick up the phone You know because it's hard to explain certain things But the problem is the problem is if you get this wrong even though the culture is saying that you should do it this way today If you get this wrong and you go the way the culture is it will destroy relationships This is the problem see because people today I think it's our technological culture as well with texts and emails people are so brave in it behind a keyboard today People are so brave, you know with their phone and their thumbs and with their keyboard You know people are so brave, but they're really adverse to talking to people face-to-face They're really nervous and they really don't like doing that. It's really easy to trash people on a screen With with a text message or email and it's really easy to misunderstand people in in those types of communication as well People just have this you know this adverse Reaction to going and getting up and talking to somebody face-to-face And it's a problem because what does the Bible say that you must do as soon as you're offended if you're offended You can't let it go. What what must you do immediately? You must go talk to them face-to-face You must go address it to them turn to 1st Peter chapter 4 So just because people consider this behavior normal today You cannot let yourself fall into this because if you do it will ruin your relationships in your life And more much more than that it will damage and hurt many other people turn to 1st Peter Chapter 4 1st Peter chapter 4 and here's the thing here's the here's the silly thing about it It makes no logical sense if you're a logical person just think this through with me somebody does you wrong somebody let me Matthew 18 says you know somebody trespassed against you you legitimately have a beef with this person and you've decided look and it's your It's your right to say I'm not gonna suffer myself to be defrauded on this It is your right to follow Matthew chapter 18 and go talk to this person So you've been trespassed against somebody's done you wrong Okay, now you're gonna go and you're gonna act in such a way where you become a sinner Where you become a sinner in the situation? Of course, you're a sinner, but I mean the point is you're gonna make yourself at fault. I Have no fault if somebody trespasses against me I have no fault if somebody does me wrong or offends me I have no fault there, but I can act in such a way where I become at fault Does that make sense? Why in the world would you ever want to do that? I? Mean it's like you get in a you get in an argument with your spouse Let me give you a hypothetical situation I've never actually been in an argument with my spouse because I'm the pastor and my marriage is perfect But let's just say that you get in an argument with your spouse And let's say your spouse like legitimately did something that offended you Like not that my wife would ever do that or I would ever do that to her it's never happened in 23 It's like I can't even say it with a straight face but let's say that you're one of this the spouse legitimately offends you and then You just get like upset and and you just like fly off the handle and like you know tell a friend or something It's like now your fault now you have something now She could be offended or I could be offended in the situation and now see you don't want to do this because now There's more things to work out Now I'm building a list She's building a list we're both building lists neither of us are following You know the process of the Bible and like these lists just keep growing look It's a snowball effect that will just destroy and it destroys relationships It destroys relationship look at first Peter chapter 4 Look at first Peter chapter 4 So if you don't follow Matthew 18 exactly and go to thee and him alone look at first Peter chapter 4 Look at verse 15 it says It says but let none of you suffer as a murderer or as a thief or as an evil doer Or as a busy body in other men's affairs and other men's matters Sorry What you've done is not only have you made yourself at fault by not going to them alone But now you have been involved some other innocent person in your mess Because here's another cultural thing. That's that's that's quite wrong in our culture today And I'm sure cultures from the beginning of time people love to hear about other people's garbage It's just like a sin nature thing I don't know what it is so when somebody comes and they want to tell you a bunch of trash about Somebody else people are like because I don't know if it makes them feel better or what it does But people loved it now they are involved in that now they are they're complicit in This this sin that you have now Started even when you were wronged You were wronged at the beginning now you're now you're you're starting to sin yourself in the situation And what's worse is you're involving other people in your sin. You see how terrible this is You see how this can grow and just get completely out of control I mean somebody comes to you like so-and-so wronged me So-and-so wronged me and they haven't talked to the other person about it They're literally if somebody comes to you and says that they're literally trying to make you a sinner in the situation Please remember that That's why I like you know the advice should always be like have you you know just be a brother that is sharpening his brother a Brother that somebody comes to you and says so-and-so wronged me and so-and-so offended me Brother you should go and talk to him immediately About that you should go and just just just refer him to Matthew 18 and just brother You should you should not you go and tell him people just go and talk to him about it Just talk to him about it, but you know funny thing is many times people get this wrong on purpose People do this wrong on purpose because they want to hurt the person that wronged them You know they want to just like it's basically a way turn to Proverbs chapter 26. It's basically a way for them to get back They don't want to fix the situation They just want to get back at the person that they feel trespassed Against them and look it's a really evil thing to do that It's called being a tail bearer And the Bible talks about being a tail bearer all over the Bible But look at this in Proverbs chapter 26 verse number 22 to back up my point Now I'm trying to get you to understand that by by not following Matthew 18 exactly and not going to him alone and Involving other people the damage that you do by becoming a tail bear because that's what you just did You just became a tail bearer look at Proverbs 26 verse 22 the Bible says Proverbs 26 and verse number 22 the Bible says the words of a tail bearer that is you if you are not following Matthew 18 and you are going campaigning and Gossiping and trying to get people on your side from someone that you believe trespassed against you You are a tail bearer and look what the Bible says it says the words of a tail bearer are as wounds You know what that means it means they hurt people intentionally They're wounding people look what it says and they go down into the innermost parts of the belly What this says is that they're doing great damage to people These words that you're speaking by being a tail bearer. So I mean think about how logically stupid this is If you're like just legitimately Wanting to have good relationships Somebody's gonna offend you in your life I'm gonna offend you Guaranteed I'm gonna say the wrong look I May legitimately offend you like I may like legitimately say something from the pulpit My wife was just reading we were reading through acts the other day and it came up to the story of Dorcas you know I kind of had some fun with that name when I preached that and and the Bible said that Dorcas was a disciple and And and my wife's like I thought you said like during the sermon that like she wasn't saved or something and I'm like I never would have said that why would I have said that and I was like I was gonna I was gonna get her You know I was gonna prove her wrong and I went back to my sermon and I made some comment in the sermon like after Dorcas Got raised from the dead, you know, I was like, hey, maybe you know She went on to do even greater things and maybe if she wasn't saved she got saved and I was like I mean, I'm like, I don't know why I would have said that because like it says she's a disciple Which means I assume she's saved but here's the thing like I don't know I say some things that you just say stuff, you know So I was like, okay I can but it's kind of nice that she remembered that little tiny little snippet. It was one sentence You know, she's like I'm offended not my I'm just kidding. She wasn't offended But I mean the point is is like you get up and you preach and you say things and sometimes like, you know Maybe you say the wrong thing. I mean it's possible Why because I'm a sinner, that's why Because I'm not perfect. I'm not righteous. Just like you're not perfect. Obviously. I mean if I'm up here just preaching false doctrine I mean, that's a whole nother story. I'm not, you know, trying to excuse anything any pastor that would do that but the point is People I don't even know where I was going with this but the point is people do stuff wrong and it could legitimately Say things that upset you why turn yourself into a sinner Into a tail-bearer that can go and just damage a bunch of people when the Bible gives you clear direction on how to handle it On how to handle something like that Right. So look look at back at Matthew chapter 18 In Matthew at chapter 18 if you do do this correctly If you do do this correctly, here's where it all goes wrong It only it all goes wrong folks when it when it goes wrong it goes wrong in step one But if you do it right And you go to him and him alone 99% of the time that's it. It's over and you've what what does the Bible say you've done you've gained a brother You know what that means? It means you're still friends. It means the list clear Because you know a lot of times a lot of times when people are offended and they go to somebody that was offended You know what the reaction is going to be many times in my experience my short experience as a pastor many times The experience is going to be that person is like oh, I didn't even know I'm sorry You know, I didn't even know I mean look if the person has a hard heart and they're like you should have been offended by that idiot And then you're like oh, I'm offended again No, but the point is 99% of the time when you have somebody with a right heart that goes to their brother and somebody with a right heart That receives their brother and brother one says hey You know when you said this and I really took that personally and there's a bunch of people around and I you know I don't feel like you know that was the right thing to say 99% of the time is going to be like Oh, I am so sorry. I didn't I didn't realize that that was offensive You know and I'll be more careful going forward next time or whatever right and then look the person That yes, there may be that's how you also learn who people are as well because if you have a brother a friend Or whatever or even your wife or your husband and they come to you and they say hey This one thing really offended you and you're just like I had no idea that would offend you look You should you know apologize say you're sorry, but you should also remember in That relationship going forward that hey, you know, they're very sensitive about these types of things You know look if you should figure that out about your wife You should figure that out about your husband You know I shouldn't you know do these types of things because they offend him or offend her and look you're gonna have A stronger relationship going forward you'll have less offenses going forward because of course friendships Marriages are better off if you have less offenses Not more you don't want to be the type of husband. It's like apologizing like every single two hours Right, you don't want to be the type of wife. That's constantly apologizing You know we did had to do Matthew 18, you know four times yesterday And you know it's it's like and it happens, you know five times every every two days I mean you don't want to have that type of relationship Either okay, but look at Matthew chapter 18 So the point is this 99% of the time the list will be cleared if you do step one correctly So if you take let's do some math you take the fact that maybe you can suffer yourself to be defrauded You know 50% of the time and then 99% of the time, you know You can you can clear things with step one. There's gonna be like, you know a very very small You know fraction of 1% of Times that you even have to go to step two In Matthew chapter 18, but this is how thorough the Bible is the Bible gives you clear direction How to handle everything look at step two so you go to your brother you go to your sister and you say look you offended me and Your brother or your sister? I mean, you know, this is maybe more of a serious thing like okay Maybe you had a business deal in the church and somebody did work on somebody's house and you know They didn't pay what they said they were gonna pay or something, you know not that this should even be something serious but maybe it's more of a You know a real thing other than just words Look at Matthew chapter 18 verse 16 and then they meet and and he says, you know I remodeled your kitchen and you said you would pay me a thousand dollars and you didn't pay me anything and Then the other brother says well, I don't think that you know you did what you're supposed to do And I'm not paying you anything until you do what you're supposed to do There's like a legitimate argument between these two neither one is gonna say I'll suffer myself to be defrauded neither one I mean look this is a bad situation because apparently that relationship is not worth More than a thousand dollars to either one of those two people Right if they're neither one of them are willing to suffer themselves to be defrauded Which is like if your relationship with somebody isn't worth more than a thousand bucks Maybe you shouldn't risk more than a thousand bucks with that person you should think about these things You know if you if you have something that is so valuable to you if I have a tool That is more valuable to me than my friend. I should never borrow that tool to my friend I mean that's a pitiful statement in itself But if I am literally gonna if I know myself well enough to where if I borrowed anything to somebody it could damage our Relationship I would be better off saying I do have that but I just I can't go without it I can't borrow it to you. I'm sorry You know, I mean that would be look you're protecting the friendship if you just know that you're a super materialistic person and just like You know don't don't put your friendships on the line for stupid things of what what did Paul say of this life Don't put friendships on the line like for that type of stuff But let's say that you have a legit you did it you have a legitimate argument neither one of you can get Can can figure it out can get conclusion to it look at verse 16 But if he will not hear the meaning you don't agree or whatever Then take with the one or two more that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established Now it's important to know here that this isn't talking about You know two or three witnesses is just straight-up Bible doctrine like no one can accuse somebody No one should ever be able to accuse somebody of anything without two or three witnesses. That's in the Levitical law That's in the New Testament all over the place. It's everywhere All right, but this is not talking about two or three witnesses that witnessed this offense They didn't have to be in the circle of people And heard the joke or heard the comment or been involved in the the house Project or whatever what it's saying is that bring two or three people into the situation To witness every word meaning to help judge the situation. That's what it's saying. No look if this if this is in a church that second person should be the pastor or You know the pastor's wife You know it should be involved if there's literally an argument in the church I would like to be that second person I would like my wife to be that second person to help judge that situation to what to to establish every word That's all to just hear both sides and To pass some sort of you know righteous judgment on the situation You know trying to come up with some kind of basically these people are you know mediators This this second person this third person. They're not a witness the offense. They're just mediators, all right, so look Most conflicts people have if they're done with the right heart Will not even get to this point All right, they are easily resolvable That's what's so silly About the serious damage that can be done if this isn't followed because if both people have the right heart It doesn't even matter really who was at fault at first. It can be easily resolved Okay, it's when hearts are hard that people won't admit fault that people go and become a tail bearer You know, it's this this pride that we have and the process is not followed in disaster Strikes turn to Matthew chapter 18 again look at verse number 17 Matthew chapter 18 verse number 17 But then you know obviously if the two or three witnesses and I've never seen it get to this point Okay, then if the two or three witnesses can't resolve it then it'll be brought tell it under the church But if you neglect to hear the church let him be under thee as a heathen man and a publican So somebody stole from somebody in the church. He just will not admit it. It's clear that he stole Look it's saying like this person could literally be put out of the church for this All right, it'll never I mean it usually things people are put out of the church for other things You know things go wrong other places before it even gets to verse number 17 now turn to Ephesians chapter 4 So the point is really the two options are go You know suffer yourself to be defrauded like hit the delete key for sure select all delete, right? That's the first option. That's the best option the second option is going to be go to him and him alone All right, and that is going to solve 99.9% of all your problems all your conflicts in your marriage in the church with your friendships everything Now here's another key mistake right here turn to Ephesians chapter 4 Here's a key mistake in this process All right, here's a key mistake and this key mistake leads to Becoming a tail bear leads to you know all the gossip and all the trash and all these things The question is this when should this be done? Think about your marriage think about your friendships think about your relationships in the church somebody offends me When should I take action? When should I take action on step one or step two when look at Ephesians chapter 4 and verse 26? Ephesians chapter 4 and verse number 26 look what the bible says says be angry and sin not So it's saying here be angry look does it say never get angry? No, look there is legitimate reasons to be angry How many people think here when jesus went into the temple? It started throwing over all the money changers tables that he was singing hymns and skipping along He was mad But he was legitimately mad it says be angry It doesn't this match perfectly what I've preached up to this point It says be angry and sin not somebody could legitimately trust pass against me Somebody could legitimately trust pass against you and that could make you angry And you could be righteously angry Somebody comes and and insults my my wife to my face I mean I will be immediately angry if that happens and you know what that will be legitimate But look what the bible says says be angry and sin not it says it's okay to be angry, but don't sin when you're angry It's okay people are going to offend you you can get angry But don't sin and then it gives us how do we how do I not sin? I'm so angry I just want to like strangle somebody. What do I do? But look what it says let not the sun go down upon your wrath So what the bible is saying here is when you get angry in this case if somebody offends you somebody causes an offense against you It's saying you must take care of it right away You have a problem in your marriage your wife offends you your husband offends you take care of it right away Don't don't be mad for a week Don't be like hey, I'm not gonna speak to that guy for you know three weeks because then you know what you do Then you know what you do look at the next few verses here This is so important. You must take care of it right away. Why does the bible say that? Why can't I be mad at my wife? Like I feel like I should not have to talk to her for four days for for what she did to me or what she said to me or whatever Why Does the bible say that I should not do that the reason is is because when I get angry When somebody offends me When a friend offends me when a brother in christ offends me doesn't matter when somebody trespasses against me Something and I get angry something immediately starts happening Immediately this is why the bible is rightly saying that you must you must take care of it right away before the sun goes down That means like now What if it's like three o'clock in the afternoon if somebody offends me? I better get it done right away It look it's it's it's a metaphor. It's saying Don't don't hang on to it. Why why look at verse 29 Look at verse 29 remember what I've told you so far Remember what I've told you so far look at the it's not an accident that these verses are just a couple verses later When it's saying take care of things right away. It's okay if you get angry when somebody legitimately trespasses against you But look at verse 29 it says let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth. You know what a tail bearer is That's corrupt communication You know somebody that's speaking words that wound people That wound people deeply that is corrupt communication But that which is good to the use of edifying that it may minister grace under the hears And grieve not the holy spirit of god saying even the holy spirit inside you is going to be grieving If you do these things whereby you are sealed under the day of redemption redemption, but look at verse 31 it says let all bitterness And wrath and anger and clamor and evil speaking Be put away from you with all Malice i'm going to read for you heber's chapter 12. You just keep looking at those two verses If heber's chapter 12 verse 14 says follow peace with all men and holiness Without which no man shall see the lord looking diligently lest any man fail the grace of god Any look what it says here root of bitterness Springing up trouble you and thereby Many be defiled Doesn't this all fit together perfectly folks if somebody trespasses against me And then i wait And i don't take care of it in one of these two ways that i told you how to take care of it The bible says that immediately a root of bitterness starts to grow inside me And the bible you're like how fast does this root grow the bible says i better take care of it right away Because the root of bitterness grows fast It grows very quickly if i start building a list with people That bitterness root will grow and grow and grow and you know what? Look at those last two words of feces chapter 4 and verse number 31 All malice you know what i'll do that root of bitterness will grow into a malice tree And you know what these things are in verse number 31 These things in verse number 31. They are the fruits of bitterness And the fruits of bitterness come from a fully grown tree You know what option one suffering yourself to be defrauded does an option two going and talking to that person Right away between him and him alone. You know what it does it immediately plucks out that root And it will not bear fruit It immediately you'll never have a bitterness tree. This is why you must keep a short List and not only that you must clear the list what daily daily This process pulls out the root so you will never have a malice tree You know what malice is malice the definition of malice is is the what it's it's basically how do I word this? It's like the the willful you want to do harm to somebody If i have malice towards you that means i want to harm you That sounds bad But guess what once gossip starts once this list starts to form and it lasts longer than a day Two days three days then gossip comes in then tailbearing comes in then back biting comes in You just want to hurt these people You just want to hurt these people and you know what you have a you have a you have a malice tree at this point And the bible says you're gonna you're gonna hurt Yeah, you're gonna hurt that person But you're also going to hurt all kinds of people that you suck into all these sins These tailbearing sins the back biting sins these brailing Sins that means that roots growing into a full blown tree this oh by the way by the way This other person that you go and tail bear to that can be your wife too Don't have a toxic marriage that could be your husband too Just because you're married doesn't mean that as a it says him and him alone Just because you're married don't have this toxic marriage Where you go home and you just just trash each other or trash people to each other No a marriage and we'll talk about that in more detail tonight, but look this is a toxic marriage You can literally encourage Each other to sin you're like well. He's my he's my husband. What what should I do? I'll give you details on that tonight, but here's the thing silence says a lot Silence says a lot even if you're not in a position of authority over somebody that's trying to talk to you silence says volumes Instead of just getting it. Yeah, you're right. That was bad and just egging each other on look There's many people that have toxic marriages and just with their spouse They betray matthew 18 Just with their spouse and they between them and their spouse. They can grow a bit of the malice tree in their own home They don't even need anybody else's help That's a terrible marriage It's talking about him and him alone and even your spouse. You can tail bear to your spouse You can gossip and backbite and do all these things and look you make your your spouse a sinner too And especially as a man who's in charge of his household in charge of his spouse. That's a terrible thing to do as a leader So look folks If you cannot get this right you will never have long lasting relationships This is the key here In order to have relationships that laugh, I mean think about your relationships Think about your relationships, you know, what are relationships with my kids? You need you think by the way, I know like many people here have young children But do you think that it's just automatic that you're going to have a great relationship with their children their entire lives That is not automatic You will have to follow this process and they will have to follow this process with you Friends church the pastor you need to clear all these lists You need to have a short list and clear it daily right away. Look marriages. Think about marriages marriages You know, this is really where the let the sun go down on your wrath You can really see this in society today because look marriages They don't they don't laugh. They don't they don't end overnight marriages don't end in failure Overnight if you know, you don't suffer yourself to be defrauded if you don't confront issues in your marriage Right away and not and and don't let the sun go down on those things. You will build people build lists against their own spouses People build lists against each other those lists grow that bitterness grows and this is why you see You know, you'll see divorced people that are just in these bitter battles They just want to destroy the other person you say why because they both have just built up these malice trees And just like I just want to do everything to destroy him I want to do everything to destroy her because it's a malice tree because what do they do they didn't they didn't pluck the root out They let the sun go down on their wrath. They built a huge list. They grew a huge tree They became a sinner themselves by tailbearing and gossiping and backbiting and they just fertilize that tree And pretty soon it's just like destroy each other So if you ever wonder like have you ever seen that situation? I guarantee you I could ask for a raise of hands I won't everyone has seen that situation And you've asked yourself How could two people that were married for sometimes 20 years more? How could two people that were married for 20 years had several children together? How could they have gotten into a situation where they literally like want the other person to die? There's literally no person on the planet earth that they hate more than that person that they spent 20 years of their life with It's it's because they built a map they they fed and they grew a malice tree They didn't keep a short list It's very simple They followed the culture of today So yeah, you know throw the bible off don't listen to the bible. That's what you'll end up with If you listen to the way people are doing things today So look Just learn to let things go. That's the first thing just to recap just learn to let things go If you can let it go let it go, but I mean really let it go Really let it go and look it might be a way that you just might have to manage some of your friendships You know, like I said, maybe you just know there's some person that you shouldn't borrow money to There's some person that you shouldn't borrow things to because they're not responsible with things Manage your friendships that way so you can avoid these offenses But just let things go and then talk directly to the person so easy So easy But bitterness folks just remember this if you remember nothing else from this morning is bitterness is a root that grows quickly It grows quickly So clear your list the same day with your marriage with your kids with your friends with your family with your church family Especially please Please clear your list Right Oh wait, and then you know what your relationships will thrive Because there's nothing and you know what there's nothing better in your life There's nothing better in your life than having friendships for years and years and years and years There's nothing better in your life It may be the most The best gift other than salvation and your children that god has given you may be a great marriage But just because you're married doesn't mean you're going to have a great relationship You could have a great relationship with your spouse And that's an that's an incredible blessing in what in this life God has provided so many ways for us to have all these things and them to be Major blessings on our lives from our friends to our spouses to our children And he tells us but those like these things don't happen on accident You have to do these things you have to get up and go talk to somebody on purpose You have to purposely execute The bible and if you do it look if you do it folks If you listen to this sermon tonight's sermon and next week's two sermons you're going to have great relationships in your life But you have to do it on purpose you have to execute not just here with power heads and have a word of