 I stayed inside and watched him until he faded to white like the end of a 1940s film. I stood in the doorway and I felt it all. Embarrassment, rejection, fear, loneliness, hopelessness, confusion, grief, anger. Hi there lovers and friends. This video is about heartbreak, one of the most powerful and profound feelings on the planet. And although we don't like to live in it, I think that there is some really cathartic healing and bonding moments from sharing and discussing it. And with that in mind, I want to get the conversation started early in the comments section below. I want to hear from you. Name a physical location where you remember your heart actually breaking. And that is what this video is all about. I'm going to be reading a short story called The Snowbrush. And this is actually something I wrote from my book, The Game of Desire, chapter four X marks the spot. It did not get included, but for anybody who has read the book, you're going to know who I'm talking about and the context of why this story was so profound and life-changing for me. And speaking of life-changing things, can I say a sentence I've been legit dreaming of for years? This video is sponsored by Audible. And if you follow me on Instagram, you know how obsessed I am with audiobooks. And if those of you who do not know, Audible has the largest selection of audiobooks on the planet. And now, Audible Originals makes that service even more incredible by creating specific content that is catered towards its members. And here's where I want you to get real hype, because as far as I know, Audible is the only service that is going to give you the opportunity to listen to my brand new book, The Game of Desire for absolute free. So when you sign up for a 30-day trial of Audible, you get one free audiobook plus two Audible Originals. And to do that, you got to go to audible.com slash shan booty or tech shan booty to 500 500. I'm going to say it one more game. If you want to get yourself one free audiobook plus two free Audible Originals signed up for a 30-day trial with Audible and to do that, go to audible.com slash shan booty or tech shan booty to 500 500. All right. Without further ado, here is the snow brush. December does not always bring snow in Toronto. And maybe that's why this particular one was making up for lost time. During that year, I was still living with my parents as I had done on and off between the ages of 18 to 28. I did have a car, but you know that old saying, as long as you're under my roof, you're going to obey my rules. Well, my parents knew it too, meaning even in my mid 20s, getting out of the house was more of a reward than a right. I want you to see her. Mark, the guy that I was in love with, had a really high voice, but today in particular, it was soaring. He loved cars. Again, I loved him. So of course, I wanted in badly. Are we both living on the same planet? The answer is no. My mom was not even entertaining the idea of me leaving with eye contact. Please. I need you to understand and I need you to let me go. My mom pushed away from her computer frustrated and stared me down. If it's that important for you guys to see each other, why doesn't he come here? The lie came so quick. I tricked myself. He doesn't have a car yet. Please, mom, I promise no highways, all street driving, and if it really is that bad, I'll turn back. Isn't this the reason that you made me spend two paychecks on snow tires? She waved her hands dismissively, then turned away without a single word. She was disappointed, but that was fine with me. I didn't need her enthusiasm. I needed an exit. The roads were actually way worse than I thought, but would have been a 25 minute drive hours earlier and now took three times that amount. When I finally made it to his street, I exhaled, uncurled my fingers from the steering wheel and reached for my phone to text mark, but to my surprise, he was already outside. I hit my horn. I saw him stiffen, but then he turned and saw it was me and his whole body relaxed. That small act of intimacy made the drive totally worth it. Get out. Get out. Look at her and get out. He yelled. Oh, I was looking all right. The car was a literal piece of junk. Think of the first car you've ever drawn. Now choose the sharpest crayon in the pack. You know the one that you never used because it's so damn ugly? Well, yeah, go ahead and color in your box car with that. Seconds after my shoes hit the snow, my ass follows suit. Mark tackled me and covered me in kisses and tickled me from my neck to my thighs. I laughed even though I could barely feel his touch through my thick winter coat. I'm so glad you're here. I'm so happy to share this with you. He kissed me and got up and ran back over to his car. I laid there a little longer basking. He yelled back. Come on, get up. It's not nap time. We got places to go. I stood up, brushed the snow from my butt with my sleeve, and then noticed Mark was doing the same thing to his car. I walked over as his gloveless hand ran over what had to be stone coal metal. Don't you have a snow brush? I asked. Nah, not yet. Now it was my turn to run. I slid to my back door and pulled it open to retrieve my snow brush. Still wet from use, I rushed it back over to Mark, who was now sweeping the hood with his other sleeve. Here, I extended the yellow handle to him. Oh, thank you. That'll work way better. He grabbed it and finished clearing the rest of his car off in no time. When he was done, he smiled and gestured to hand the brush back to me. I shook my head. No, he furrowed his brows. It's a gift. I said a congratulations on making a big commitment that I know means a lot to you gift. He still wasn't sold. So what are you going to use? Oh, I have another one in my trunk, a newer one too. So you can keep this one. I lied again. And it seems like I did that a lot. Well, okay then. Thank you. Seriously. Thank you. In the final weeks of December, the snow slowed down again, along with contact from Mark. It was beginning to feel a lot like deja vu, but that didn't make this round any less painful. Now I played all my usual reindeer games. I started seeing other guys I wasn't interested in. I posted about these guys I wasn't interested in online. And I accidentally text him a few times after work. The words unrequited love were beginning to harden in my mind until one out of the blue day he finally returned my texts. Hey, sorry I've been so busy. I see your post online. Looks like you're keeping busy too. Anyway, there's this movie I'm dying to see. Want to go to the movies tonight? Of course, I was out the door and in my car before he started a new game of hide and seek with me. When I got to his place once again, his car was not out front. A wave of dread washed over me. Had I misread his message? I sent him a follow up text to say I was outside. Five long painstaking minutes later, he was knocking at the window. I unlocked the passenger side and immediately reached across to hug him before he could really sit down. He jerked and slipped a little. Where's your car? I asked, trying to glaze over that stutter. It's in the shop. He sighed and reclined in the passenger seat. It's been back and forth getting fixed since I got it. Sucks because I really did my research. I felt bad for him, but a little bit more hopeful about us. Maybe his car was the problem, not his feelings for me. My spirits began to rise, but they didn't get very far. By the time we got to the movies, it was clear that things between us were officially different. His answers were short and the silent stretches were super long. We went ahead and saw that damn movie that he wanted to see. What was the movie? Actually, I have zero clue. I'd like to blame that blank space on memory, but I'm sure if you went back in time and asked me the morning after, I would not have known either. When the credits rolled, he was the first to get up and into the aisles. I followed him and bumped my way out of the Dim Theater as he checked his phone. We walked quickly through the hallway as I tossed out a few crew jokes that all landed flat on their back. Just before we reached the exit, he stopped and turned to me. Hand me your keys, I'll pull up the car. It's coming down pretty hard outside. I looked past him to see an entirely different world than the one we had rode in on. I nodded in agreement, dug into my pocket, then handed over the keys. He grabbed them, then zipped up his coat and prepared to enter into the storm on both of our be halves. The gesture should have felt romantic, but instead it kind of felt like getting up for the old lady on the bus because your mom elbows you in the ribs. Six feet, black hair, brown eyes, black jeans, brown coat, black heart. He stared at me blankly waiting for me to continue. So I did. That's the description I'll tell the police if you make a break with my car. That time, he at least forced a fake laugh. I didn't crack a smile. Mark opened the doors and entered the blizzard. I stayed inside and watched him until he faded to white like the end of a 1940s film. I stood in the doorway and I felt it all. Embarrassment, rejection, fear, loneliness, hopelessness, confusion, grief, anger. I thought back over the entirety of our relationship. Why did it always end up this way? What was I missing? What did I do wrong? Why not me? I pondered that question for a while until something didn't feel right. Time. A lot of it had passed and Mark still hadn't pulled up with the car. I pulled off my cute leather jacket which in light of the weather was now a wildly inappropriate choice and covered my head as I exited the calm into the storm. The snow was coming down so thick I could barely stand to look up. I stumbled around the parking lot trying to spot my car among the sea of frosted cans. I was about to reach for my phone and awkwardly ask if he had in fact stolen it but then I saw something just a few yards ahead. Deja vu. Mark was bent over the hood of my car wiping my snow covered windows with just his sleeve. I could also see that my trunk was open. A trunk that held many things like tennis rackets, Tupperware, empty soda cans, jackets, dress shoes, loose paper, fast food cartons but no extra snow brush. I honestly thought about going back inside and pretending I never saw him but in that moment he looked up with what I can only describe as the most irritated expression. I thought of a million witty quips to downplay my lie but as soon as I got with an earshot he looked up and said you don't have a second snow brush do you? As soon as we get back to my place I'm giving yours back and with that what was there really left to say? We drove with the radio turned up and true to his word as soon as we got back to his place he hopped out and asked me to wait. Minutes later he emerged from the garage with a familiar yellow object. He jogged it back to me and extended its steps away making the intention for distance very clear. Thanks for letting me use this for all this time and thanks for driving me tonight. Thanks for driving me tonight. That was something I would sarcastically say to an Uber driver that was about to give two stars. I thought about starting an argument but Mark's arm looked tired and I realized so was I. I took the snow brush from him. All right bro have a good night and thanks to you too for both of us filled in the blank without having to say the word nothing. Which also best describe what we shared from that day forward. To add insult to the greatest injury of my fragile heart after five years of chasing this dude down about a month after that meetup I learned that he had gotten into a full blown relationship with someone else. Admittedly I did not take that news very well. I don't recall ever feeling so angry towards someone as I did towards Mark and all that anger was masked in my thoughts of him being a womanizer and a masochist and a narcissist but in truth it all boiled down to the question why not me. The crazy thing is I actually did get the answer to that question years later last year to be specific and when Mark and I finally had that long overdue conversation I finally saw the full brutal picture of our falling out and of my own faults that led to that falling out and now if you would like to hear about that conversation now would be a good time to go to chapter four of the game of desire and take a listen. Thank you so much for listening to that short story the snow brush if you want to know how it ended and what actually went down in that relationship you're going to have to listen to my brand new audiobook the game of desire and I got you covered if you haven't done so yet all you have to do to get a 30 day trial of audible is go to audible.com slash shan booty or text shan booty to the number 500 500 and once you do that you get yourself one audiobook plus two audible originals and here's another feature that I absolutely love it's called share this book and through that feature you can send a book to a friend and if that is their first time using that feature they get that book absolutely free as well so in short audible is your way to listen to love to share some love and to show some love to my new audiobook the game of desire all right guys that's all from me but you got one more task to do in the comment section below I want to hear from you tell me the location that you can recall your heart literally breaking