 Well, hello and welcome to Jonathan from the Heart. I'm Jonathan Asley of JonathanAsley.com And I'm so excited to be doing this short video for you today our topic how women get hooked to the wrong guy Really quickly if you're brand new to my YouTube channel, please hit the subscribe button hit the bell So you can be notified of new content and if this content resonates with you Please hit that like button so I can be seen in YouTube algorithms. Also. These are my weekend videos I shoot out on my balcony very similar to the videos I shoot my private group called midlife love mastery This is a group where you get to have direct access to me on a regular basis and ask me questions And if you post a question in the group, I shoot a video just for you So check out the link below to my VIP group. Alright, let's talk about how women get hooked to the wrong guy. Oh My gosh, this is seems like it's like probably feels like 80% of my business is centered around women reaching out to me when they're in relationship with someone where there's a lot of friction a lot of frustration and Ideally my coaching is all about helping teach you how to attract the right guy and how to choose better So there's just seems to be an irony there in not irony. That's not right. I'm just a Frustration on my part because I so want everybody to make better choices. I know for myself I've I believe I've learned how to make better choices and I want to impart that on everyone here So I want to share with you something that happened to me when I began my dating process after my divorce And since my audience is predominantly midlife, which is after baby making years and before retirement There's a big difference in approaching the dating process and actually the choosing process and let me repeat that the choosing process And what I mean by choosing is in midlife We're dealing with a predominantly about 75% of singles who are looking for love or looking for connection or looking for a hookup Or whatnot are divorced and because going through a divorce is a very emotionally traumatic traumatic and traumatic event It's a lot different than dating in your 20s and 30s for those who are in their 20s and 30s dating They're almost like a blank sheet of paper their life hasn't been formed yet And yet when you get into your 40s 50s and even 60s you become a fully Functional adult with a full life and in some cases Oftentimes that life comes with a lot of baggage now I want to differentiate baggage from luggage and baggage is all the emotional drama and trauma and Experiences that cause a very heavy-weighted Person emotionally versus luggage is your daily things whether you have children whether you have a demanding job That's all part of your luggage But I'm talking baggage is the emotional trauma that people bring to the relationship and why women get hooked To the wrong guy is they often bond Through this drama this trauma. It's called trauma bonding and I call it false intimacy So let me share with you a personal story and this was right after my divorce I and I'm what I'm about to share was completely unconscious on my part I wasn't Consciously doing this in the dating process, but what was interesting I would often when I'm dating a woman or You know whether it's a first or second or third date begin to start Explaining all the problems all the drama all the trauma in my life Whether it was my divorce and the contentiousness of the divorce or what was happening in my professional life and I was just literally spewing all this drama and trauma and what was fascinating to me I Say this looking back at the time. I didn't think this but as I looked back So many women would get hooked. I mean, I'm literally pulling out the hook They would get hooked to it because they felt like it was intimacy. They felt like it was a bonding experience Because I was expressing all my problems all my dysfunctionality all my Frustrations and pain and I believe now looking back that many women See men like that and they bond in this trauma bonding because they have their own traumas their own baggage their own Anxed in life and we were bonding together at this space. That's number one And what I found later on down the road as I witness women is Women you women ladies are beautiful creatures. You're nurturing. You're loving your kind. You're so supportive And when you really like a guy you will just double down on his dysfunction When I may mean by doubling down is you'll invest more and more in a man Who's dysfunctional a man who's who's a wreck a man who's a mess and because oftentimes I think women are Enablers and women choose men like that because you like to fix people Now this is true of men as well men choose women who are riddled with baggage Riddled with dysfunction because we feel like we can fix them and There's this belief that if we fix them, they'll be ours. They will be ours and That's the fantasy. That's the false intimacy Because the reality is as well you might temporarily bond with someone and I mean temporarily temporarily can be years. I Don't believe it lasts from a long-term perspective You know it's interesting I got a letter in the mail recently and I'm sharing something that came in where a woman was in a relationship with a man and he shared a lot of his childhood trauma which included sexual abuse and sexual trauma and Because she also had abuse and trauma in her life She bonded very quickly with this man and they literally lived in their trauma bonding They lived in this area and there's this belief That there's this is true intimacy Folks, I'm here to say when someone is actively living in their trauma and their drama And or if whether it's something that happened in the past or something current if they're actively Experiencing that it's difficult to build the foundation to a healthy happy relationship and a relationship needs a foundation And if you're not familiar with my relationship iceberg, which I talk about frequently Here's a picture of it and as you can see in the top It says attraction is above the waterline and below the waterline is compatibility and at the top is Chemistry and below the waterline is shared values blendable lifestyles and emotional maturity And as you begin to experience shared values blendable lifestyles and emotional maturity this waterline drops And you find yourself more and more attracted to the person and here's the thing when you were when in a relationship like this Where you're in a really healthy juicy delicious relationship, you no longer have an iceberg you have a mountain if you will I Know the analogy of the iceberg means it will melt But I'd look at it as a mountain is what's left over and the sad part when someone's emotional maturity is riddled with pain With frustration with trauma with drama It's going to be very difficult for them to have that mountain of a relationship Because they're not sitting in a space of emotional maturity This is one of the reasons why I wrote my book what the heck is self-love anyway What the heck is self-love anyway to journey of personal development self-help and spiritual work To heal from the inside out to begin the steps to heal Oftentimes we are all riddled not often every one of us is has some sort of trauma and drama that happen in our lives Especially as children This is why I'm such a big advocate of everybody doing inner child work and to check out the Hoffman process the Hoffman process This is a 50-hour deep dive into healing childhood wounds and traumas So we can actually start living our life from a victorious place and not a place of victim Consciousness and sadly many people are living in victim consciousness And this can be very attractive and I find women oftentimes give their power away to men Let me repeat that women oftentimes give their power away to men And I'm here to encourage you to stop doing that to literally start choosing a different way to approach Relationships by the way my coffee mug says sometimes you're awesome. So this is your reminder This was a gift from one of you out there And my t-shirt says kindness is so gangsta is so gangster. I hope you feel that way By the way, please post a comment below if you like my shirt or mug But what I want to lean into for the next few minutes is how women give their power away to men And I've done several videos on this you may want to scroll back to a video. I did called the seven ways Women here's the notes for it the seven ways women give their power away to men and This also causes you to get hooked when you give your power away. You're literally relying on the man To be in charge of your relationship destiny and I'm here to say ladies You're giving the job to the wrong person men should not be in charge of your relationship destiny You should be in charge of your relationship destiny. Oops and the way women give their power away Is the relationship is always on his terms you abandon your standards in your boundaries You're afraid to speak your truth with him When the relationship ends all you do is focus on him and not yourself You're always waiting for him to initiate contact You stop doing your pre relationship life your interest your activities and friends after meeting a man You're feeling like you can't live without him and lastly you think this is the you think the other person is the only person in the Tire universe you'll have chemistry with in other words. You feel like this is the only person you have chemistry with I Know it's interesting. I had one of my members reach out to me in my private group again There's a link below and she was telling me how a relationship ended in the beginning of the year with someone She had amazing chemistry with and she thought oh my god She's never ever ever going to experience that and now she's told us She's in a three-month relationship with someone she has chemistry with and she even said if the relationship doesn't work out She said at least I know now I can have chemistry with someone else folks We give our powers away when we think this is the only person in the universe that will make us feel good And the reality is is this person that we're with often times doesn't make us feel good the wrong man doesn't make us feel good and Sadly many women double down with the wrong man And when I mean by double down you keep giving more and more and more and more and more love believing that if you Just give more love you'll get it back and there's an imbalance I want you to think of the like a seesaw if you're giving if you're the one No, I don't know which way you want to go if you're the one giving and they're doing nothing There's no way to make this work in unison a relationship has to be in a space of like a two-lane street Mutually get driving down the road at the same speed giving mutual effort you can't give more effort expecting that they're going to catch up and You can't expect when someone is literally Vomiting their problems their their drama their trauma to you that this is real intimacy intimacy isn't about explaining real problems Intimacy comes from a place of when you're in a calm place and you can actually share What scares you in life? What makes you afraid? When we can be vulnerable when we share what scares us our insecurities from a healthy place of reflection that's when true intimacy can happen and when I say a Place of reflection and from a safe place of reflection. I understand insecurities and fears doesn't feel safe But when you're coming at it from an empowered place, that's where you can be truly intimate with another person When a person is just vomiting their problems. They're vomiting their past experiences Without doing any healing that's really my point of doing the work the Hoffman process or reading my book Because here's the thing ladies when men are just vomiting all this and they're not doing anything to heal There is nothing you can do to heal him as well And this is why women oftentimes get hooked with the wrong man And I want you to shift that narrative and it starts with you it starts by doing the inner work I'm getting I'm literally getting letters in the mail now and phone calls from women thanking me Literally, I got a call last night late at night and I picked up my phone My business line a woman just wanted to share with me how she bought two copies of my book one for herself One for her friend and she said her friend said this is making a difference in my life And this my book wasn't as the book what the heck is self-love anyway had nothing to do with dating and relationships I mean a little bit it does, but it was is really designed so we can come from a place of empowerment So when we come across across those people That are really hurting. It's okay to give them love. It's absolutely okay to give someone love who's hurting But that doesn't mean you have to be in relationship with them because if you bond together at this trauma level Chances are it's going to implode at even a Like a like a like a like a star Exploding like a supernova and you're going to be even more traumatized When a trauma bonding relationship ends and I want to encourage you all to start making better choices And it starts by recognizing that chemistry hooks us in the beginning But what really creates a safer relationship is when you share the same values your lifestyles are blendable And they have emotional maturity and if you need some help recognizing emotional maturity Check out one of my older videos called the five signs the five signs for emotional maturity and that'll help you get started on your way All right, this is just my weekend riff here. Just sharing from the heart. I want everybody Like I've said to you on before on a lot of videos If I could be your big brother there on your first date with the shotgun And I could point in that the guy and say what are your real intentions and I could interview him for you I would do that my goal is for you to interview him for yourself And remember when you ask better questions in the beginning and listen to how they respond You can make better choices for yourself and that's my invitation for everyone All right, I'd like to hear your thoughts on this Please post a comment below if this resonated with you if there's something you'd like to add I read all the comments I do my best to respond to some as always if you find value in this Please share this with your friends give that thumbs up like button and I'm gonna wrap up this video as I always do first off Giving myself a big gigantic Jonathan bear hug of self-love. I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love If that's okay I'm gonna ask you to turn to someone a pet a teddy bear or pillow and give it or them a hug of love Because hugs are a great source of love and let's face it. We could all use more love in our lives Thanks a bunch. Bye. Bye now