 In last week's episode we talked about what toxic relationships are and why they're difficult to spot and of course we gave you two questions you can ask yourself to find out if someone in your life is toxic for you. We also went through the seven clear signs of a toxic person and we ended with three high value traits that you'll find in healthy relationships and that we highly recommend you start displaying too. In this second part of our toolbox on toxic relationships we start out by explaining why it is so important to remove these toxic people from our lives and we're going to give you a few proven ways in which you can go about it. Then we're going to look at two cases that are specifically difficult, severing the connection to a relative or cutting ties with a co-worker is not an easy decision to make. We're going to help you with that and lastly we're going to talk about ways in which a toxic person might make you doubt yourself after you've declared your decision to part. So jumping right in, part one, why is it that we need to cut these toxic people out Johnny? Well it's just that they're toxic and we're going to go through a list here but they're going to make life frustrating. They're going to bring the drama that they're going to create in order to get out of their insecurities and fears. They're going to put that on you. They are looking for people to dump those fears and insecurities on so that they won't have to deal with them. And they're pretty domineering. So when you identify toxic people in your life, in large part they're probably driving the norms in your reference group. As we talked about last month, who we spend time with our relationships, we have norms that are set based on behaviors and when a toxic person enters our relationships and our sphere of influence, they're going to start changing the norms and we're going to start second guessing ourselves, doubting and all of these negative emotions we're going to start feeling just based on this one person. And something else I wanted to talk about here and there's all that drama and insanity that goes on around them can be alluring like maybe that you know you see this person, they're usually charismatic because they have to lure people in and so they have all these insane things going on and you slowly, it's kind of like you're living vicariously through them. You're like listening to all these stories and you're hearing all this stuff and you get sucked into this drama just like you would get sucked into any other reality show. Because at first you get to watch this whole thing go on and it's entertaining. Well they also tend to be good storytellers, they tend to play on our emotions, so they know much like in Fight Club, that single serving friend, they know how to nail the saccharine fun soft part of the relationship building at the very start. So you get sucked in and then you want to help them because it just always seems that something's going on and you can fix this and as an intelligent person you want to get in there and help the people around you because you're going to be working with them so you want them to be happy. Yeah, we want to be cooperative as we talked about last week. And once that happens you're in a world of shit because here's how this works. You may and at first you're going to be in it with them and you'll be dealing with their drama with them and it can almost seem a bit fun. Right, your teammates and you're helping them solve some problems. Who doesn't like doing that? And you've connected and you're going to talk some shit, you're going to have some laughs, however that only goes on so long before that it rears its head towards you because those people are only going to deal with it for so long and once they run out of fuel, they're going to look for that fuel elsewhere and if you're standing there you're as good as anybody else and you're already sucked in, you're already there and you're already invested. And that's how it happens. It's not as if it just starts out of the blue one day. They bring it in with them, you get entranced by it, you find yourself in their corner working through it and next thing you know you're the problem. They're exactly consciously or subconsciously they're going to start to work to sabotage you, your personal life, your self-development. They're also just going to make you unhappy, right? Drama is drama for a reason. Drama doesn't ultimately make us happy. Drama is turmoil, it's emotional, it's all over the place and when we get swept up in it as entertaining as it is from afar, it's barreling towards us and we don't want to get stuck in that place and we know that happiness is built on pleasure and purpose and toxic people, they're not helping us with either of those components. No, no. Now, if that wasn't bad enough already, they'll often make you second guess your own values and goals. You're going to start to feel like you're on the wrong path, you're doing things wrong, you're the problem. And we talked about the second guessing and we're going to discuss gaslighting in just a bit of how they do this. But it's just going to appear that everything you're doing is making everything worse because it's how they're playing this game is set up in that manner because you wouldn't second guess yourself if it wasn't. And listen, toxicity is infectious. I had an ex-girlfriend a number of years ago and my friends after we broke up came to me and were like, dude, I'm so glad you're no longer with her. You're a different person. You're back to regular AJ. And I was like, what are you talking about? You know, you don't realize that sphere of influence that they have over you and the negativity and the drama you get sucked into and all of a sudden you're acting on a character. You no longer are in alignment with your values. You're piling on, you're this negative person and it repels the people that matter to you. And that's how this works. You're now driven off that path and you're like, wait a minute. You know, why are you focused and aimed in a different direction? So it's going to take getting back to that. And one of the things that we to not knock it off the subject, but I you mentioned about the fear of influence. And I'm glad that we spent some time on that last week because that sets up how easily this this happens and you get sucked up in it. And the the last thing we want to talk about that happens when we're dealing with someone who's toxic is gaslighting. Yes. And I know we mentioned it last week. Let's talk about what we mean by gaslighting and gaslighting is a term that was actually coined from a 1940s film entitled Gaslight. And essentially it's when one person tries to make you doubt your own sense of reality. Yes, through changing the facts, blurring your memories, trying to make you feel like you're in the wrong. Well, even from this movie, what the husband would do to the wife would I had a feeling you had seen this one. Your time period. Well, I believe that she would turn on the the gas lights of the lamps that were gas fueled and he would go and turn them off. And and she would go, well, I thought I turned that on. And he said, no, I think you're you're you're getting crazy. And so you you reminds me of a thermostat. Oh, boy, that's another one. Yeah, I think everyone's played a thermostat game with people. And but here's what's interesting about this. And I don't this is where people don't see it. And the gaslight is not only on you. It's also on the people around you to against you because you it has to appear that you're the insane one, that you're going crazy. So everyone else has to be in. Gaslighting typically happens in a group fashion. Yes. So what ends up happening and the reason that you get so confused and have so much self doubt is you're not just hearing it from one place. This toxic person is sharing this narrative with other people in your sphere of influence in your peer group. And all of a sudden that doubt grows and grows until you no longer understand what truly happened in those past events. Now, there are some common gaslighting techniques that we want to look out for. And again, this is going to help us when we're trying to decipher what's going on with this toxic person or a group. The first one is called withholding. This is when they just pretend not to understand what you're saying or what you mean. They might even refuse to listen to you as you speak, cutting you off at every turn, pulling out their phone, going on social media. Oh, I got to answer this email. Oh, I got this other meaning. They're just going to try as best as they can to withhold information from you. That's going to help you make sense of what just happened. Yeah. And. And it's frustrating. And it is frustrating. And when it comes to some of these things, I think all of us have been in situations where withholding would benefit us or the situation. But as you can see, you know, as as a tactic that is happening all the time, you're not going to be able to make the decisions that are best for you without that information. Remember, gaslighting is about altering your sense of reality. So if you're trying to make sense of reality and you're asking your peers and you're asking this toxic person for some help and they're just refusing to answer you, ignoring what you're saying, misunderstanding what you mean. Well, of course, that's going to be a roadblock to you regaining your sanity. The second tactic they'll use is countering. And with this move, what they're actually going to do is they're just going to make you flat out doubt your memory. Yeah, they're going to tell you that something else happened and they're going to continue to do it over and over again until it's implanted and that becomes your new memory. And science has shown even in courtroom settings that our memory is pretty faulty. Oh, yeah. We like to think of our memory as photogenic and exactly how things happen. But over time, those memories are really pliable. So the toxic person is using this to their advantage. Well, how many times have have you questioned yourself and when just facts of a meeting last week with everything that for instance, everything that we have going on here, right? If we don't get a meeting notes and remember how difficult it was to even remember accurately if you're having an hour long meeting of everything that was said and everything that everyone is doing, it's extremely difficult. This is why documentation is so important. And we're going to have we're going to be discussing documentation a little bit later, because that's going to be your number one aim and helping you get out of this mess. Yeah, especially with coworkers. The third tactic they're going to use is just blocking. They're going to stop that conversation before it starts, literally redirecting your legitimate grievances down a blind alley. They'll also just pretend to not understand why you're raising the issue in the first place, right? They're going to try to downplay it. It's like, this is so meaningless. Why are we even concerned about what we had for lunch? Well, no, this is a part of you altering my reality. I want to know what I had for lunch. I no longer feel safe around you. And remember last week, we discussed the pathological lying and even lying about things that don't matter because that helps. You start second guessing everything. And so if it was the five bucks or if it was the light was on, right? If you're questioning these small little things, then then it's easier for them to shift your larger reality. Exactly. And this is why, once again, it is important to hold when you start wondering if you're going crazy here, you need to start looking around. And following along with blocking, they're just going to generally trivialize it. Like, again, as I was saying, why does this matter to you? They're going to make you feel completely insignificant. Like all of your concerns have no relevance to the relationship to reality. And all of a sudden, you're going to have this great sense of doubt and they're going to use that to their advantage. The last one and this one is the most frustrating of all, right? The last one, they will pretend to just not remember the events. Nope. Oh, I don't even remember. I was blacked out. I can't tell you. I'm so busy. I'm so busy. I was a favorite one, right? And they will deny that events even happened in the first place. And I want I'm glad we went over this list because you might be thinking, OK, well, this it's going to be easy to find that person or to wall that person off. The problem with about this, as we stated earlier, is that that toxicity contaminates everyone in that office. Some people use the saying poison the well. And you have to realize that everyone else is trying to put pieces together because it's a shell game for everybody. And if you have everyone in the room guessing, then no one can pinpoint where the problem is. Right. And a lot of this is occurring in back channeling, right? Yes. It's going and running to tell someone else to reinforce this gas lighting of, hey, this is actually how the events happen. So if AJ asks you about this, let him know that this is how it went down. And now that other person is roped in on the reality that the person who's gaslighting, who's a toxic person, is trying to help them to crime, trying to create. So now that he has allies in the altered reality that he tried to create for you. And so now you're asking some questions about other people and they're like, well, yeah, I thought it was this way. And you're like, right, it's a hall of mirrors. You're look everywhere you look. You're like, well, wait a second. I don't remember this being the reality, but they said it's the reality. My co-worker said it's a reality. Even my girlfriend said it's a reality. Oh, it must be how it happened. And now you might be thinking, OK, well, I think I can still weave my way out of that. What happens to the co-workers if they've already been told that AJ here is having some problems remembering things and he's having some problems. And because of this, he's been incompetent work. So, you know, he might start asking some questions. So now when AJ starts asking his question like, holy cow, he is losing it. He is slipping. And it reinforces everything the toxic person has been devising. So the toxic person has now enlisted your co-workers to create this reality. And the harder you try to get them out of it, the harder it looks like AJ now is the toxic person. And the toxic person can point to AJ going, he's trying to gaslight me. He's trying to say this. He's going to come up to you and sort of asking questions about what's going on here. And that's him trying to mess you up. Right, toxic people who are really good at gaslighting actually allow themselves to play the hero role. Yes, when they involve all these other people in this story, in this fallacy. And here's the difficult part about it. Listen, in the attention economy, how many of us are paying close attention to all these details? We're farting around on social media. We're looking at our phone. We're in meeting. We're not paying attention to all the little details. And the gaslighter knows this and is now able to use our lack of attention to details against us. I want to there's that. And I want to add another point to that as well. If you work in a in an office where the corporate ladder sort of thing, there is a lot of people in that room who are just trying to go from whistle to whistle, clock in, clock out, and with the least amount of trouble every day. And and because of that, they're not looking to make any waves. They're just looking to do their work. And they can be easily manipulated because they don't want to have to deal with any issues. They are the perfect target. Well, they are the perfect target to to for the toxic person to make an ally because the toxic person is generally going to find work on the strongest person in the room because that's the person they're going to get the most fuel from the people who are just trying to get through the day. They're not interesting enough to the toxic person. He's got to take down higher ups because that's what he's looking to do. So in the recruitment of these people who are just going along with the flow, it's very easy for all of us to be gaslit. Yes. And that's what we want to point out. Like I've been there, Johnny's been there. This has happened countless times. It does not mean that you're going to be immune from it. What we're trying to do is point out the tactics so that when you start to feel, hey, something isn't right here, you can tease apart all these different strategies that were used to create this altered reality around you and stop them in their tracks. But we want to let you know this is not a place to beat yourself up. No. Right. A lot of times when we're trying to be cooperative, we open up our we open ourselves up to new relationships. We open ourselves up for connection. There's going to be some vulnerability tied to it. There's going to be opportunities where toxic people rear their ugly heads. And gaslighting is a very common technique that they're going to use. That's why we want to be adept at spotting it and understanding where it's coming from, because when we're no longer in tune with our sense of reality, it can be a very traumatic experience. And, you know, if because there's so much of this, it could almost feel as if there's always going to be that one person. It doesn't have to be that way. If you could spot these behaviors, you can build a great team. But it it takes a lot of work and it takes vigilance on recognizing these things on on top of that. The other problem is they play victim so well that once they're caught, once you finally let's just say that you've been in that office a while and you pulled your people side and you're like, listen, I'm having some real trouble here. We've been friends for a long time. I have to sit down and talk to you. Now that puts the alarm for the other person to go. Maybe maybe something is off here. There's personnel. And now all of a sudden you're putting some stories together. I know exactly where this is going. I've and their last card when they've been caught. Yes. So they once they get caught, once they're cornered, once everyone's stories are straight and there's nowhere else that they can run and point the finger, then they play victim. What was me? I was I was scared. I didn't know what to do. You know, I'm struggling here and and and I need your help. So as a high value, trusting person who who wants to help wants to help, you're going to give them another chance. And we discussed this last week and then a little bit later, it starts here and then it starts the whole thing again. But I get this question all the time. It's like, how do they keep getting in there? And we're moving into the next piece of why it is important to get them out. Well, there's one other point of this whole victim mentality that we need to outline because this happens when they are completely cornered. Yeah, what we don't often realize is that they have also been keeping a list on all of the things that they can use against us. Yeah, all of our little foibles, mistakes, errors of judgment, where we followed along with their toxicity. They are now going to throw into the air and try to confuse everyone and drag everyone into the muck and let everyone feel like there's dirt on their boots. Well, you did this to me. Remember when you stiffed me on lunch and I was trying to help you and you were rude and you didn't show up? They're going to list out all of their grievances. It's going to be like a festivist miracle where the grievances get aired. And now you're sitting back going, whoa, I have been a jerk. You feel bad. Yes. You feel like, wow. And this is the because they and let's I want to make sure we have the difference here because there is toxic people. There's the the narcissist on one end and then there is the sociopath on the other at the farther towards the sociopath you go. The more emotional manipulation is at play is at play. And there is a reason like in my own life, I have a problem with emotional manipulation. I don't like seeing it. I had in growing up, I've seen a lot of emotional manipulation. And so I'm sensitive to it. And because I've been caught in these things so many times that I know the tricks. So whenever I see emotional manipulation, my alarms go off because if somebody is willing to emotionally manipulate you just to hang out. Just to get something going. Get your time, get your attention, get some money, get some money. Then they're willing to emotionally manipulate you all over the place. And not only that, everyone around you. And what's interesting is, you know, I've I've seen this in the past in working with you over the last 12 years of these moments where you are sensitive to it, you recognize it. And then immediately you just shut down and give that person nothing. Nothing. And at the time, especially years ago, I always saw that as kind of, whoa, Johnny's being over reactive here. Like, why is he doing this? And over the last 12 years, I've learned to realize that anything other than that, you're giving them oxygen. That fire is raging. Now, the first thing we want to keep in mind when it comes to removing a toxic person from our life is just accept that it's going to be a process. They didn't get there overnight. No, they didn't build our trust overnight. It happened over time. They work their way into our peer group. They work their way in with our coworkers. They work their way into our network. It's not going to be an easy process removing them because as we've discussed over the last week and a half here, we are seeing all the tools that they have at their disposal. Yeah. So it is going to be a bit of a battle. And listen, they're not just going to start respecting your boundaries now because you're like, oh, I want to remove them. So we got to keep these things in mind. And we also have to realize that distancing yourself and cutting them off is going to be a slow process. As much as we try to make it clear and easy and a clean break, oftentimes they're not just ready to jump on to the next person. That's a project that they're not willing to take on. They're going to work hard to salvage whatever relationships they have. Yeah, there was a lot of work put in. They're not going to they're not leaving without a fight. And they're going to cause as much of an uproar as they possibly can. So because that puts you in a position in chess, they call that skewer. Yeah. Right. They wear you in one corner. You have your in one corner, you have your king in the middle of that board. You have your queen on the other corner. The other person has a bishop. That's called a skewer. And right now your king is in check. So if you move it, he wipes out the queen, your most important piece. So knowing that if you leave, if you cut this cord, they're going to they're going to wreak hell at your office and you're doing your social circle, your business. And this one decision is why so many of our readers and listeners write us and ask us how to deal with this because they're in this skewer position. Yes, you feel like the falling out that's going to happen, the damage that's going to happen to them socially, professionally, personally and a lot of times publicly is so great that they're willing to keep with the toxic relationship to avoid that shame and embarrassment. Yeah. And that is the toxic person using that to their advantage. Well, we we've seen this all the time when we we see people go, how can that person stay with that person for so long? Well, they have a house and together they have kids together. There's children involved and the the person who's being gas lit or being messed up, they're thinking of of everything around them, everything they've worked for. All right, all the collateral damage, right? We're not just talking and usually about one relationship. Toxic people have the ability to really ingratiate themselves with everyone. And if you don't, you think if that toxic person was willing to skewer you, that they don't really give a what happens to the children? Oh, yeah. They're not caring about the employees of this. Clateral damage. Yeah, they're they're happy to burn the place to the ground. Yeah. This one is key. When we talk about removing a toxic person, you don't owe them a huge explanation. In fact, that can work to your disadvantage. It does. The more that you have to explain yourself, the more opportunity you give them to use all those tools on their tool belt. Oh, let me let me even fix that. If you're talking to them, there is a window. There's a chance. All they need is a crack and they put in the crowbar and wedge it open. Keep it simple. Keep it simple and kindly explain. I don't want you in my life anymore. Done. You cannot you and they're going to say why I don't understand. And you're going to feel this need to justify this to them because you're invested. You feel like and now they're they're again playing with your emotions. They're giving you the sad puppy dog eyes. So I can't believe this. I can't go on without you. All these things that they're going to say to make you feel like it's the ultimate sacrifice for you and you just have to calmly and kindly remind them, I don't want you in my life any longer. And you don't have to explain further from there. They're going to try to pull it out. And we're going to tell you you're not going to win that argument. So don't even try. And the worst thing you can think is, oh, if I just give them a dose of truth, if I can just give them my reality, they don't care. It's going to course correct for them. No, that that does not happen. That does not change no matter how many times you try to sit the person down and let them know that this behavior is unwanted or unacceptable. Along with this, hey, keep yourself safe. Yeah, talk to them in a public place. If you're worried about belligerence or even violence, this will reduce the chance greatly. Don't invite them to your place. Meet on completely public grounds if you have to do it in person so that we can avoid any over the top outrage that could happen in a confined space. And then the worst case scenario is you just get up and leave, walk away, get away from the situation. They want you thinking that they're going to go apeshit bananas. If this happens, that keeps you there. Now, this one is a bit controversial. But again, we are all about where we put our time, focus and energy says a lot about ourselves. And when it comes to unwinding some of these relationships, sometimes the easiest is to slowly make less and less time for that person. Make yourself less and less available. In fact, ghosting is so common these days that Time Magazine had an entire article about it, and it's fascinating how everyone is being ghosted on. It's now become the norm. It's just how things work. So we can use that to our advantage by having ourselves less and less available instead of responding to that phone call instead of responding to that text instead of opening your Facebook Messenger. Ignore and let it go into the ether. Oh, I've been really busy. Things are great over here. Got a lot going on. Fantastic. I got to go. Nothing to see over here. Got a big trip coming up. And prolonging your reply times starts to send the message that I'm not as valued to this person anymore. We've all been on the receiving end of that. You send a text and you get a response back a week later. You know pretty clearly, oh, this person is not that interested in me. So prolonging our reply times being very concise in our responses. Right? We don't have to be rude. We don't have to call them any names or anything like that, but just be concise to the point. I'm not available. I don't have any time. Busy. Best because here's the thing. If if you are raising a stink about them, it looks like you are part of this whole thing. That's why you can and it just it rationalize what justifies everything that they've said about you. Yeah. And to be honest, in large part, what's happening here is like the hermit crab on the beach, they've found a shell in you. So they're going to do everything they can to keep you around. So they'll they'll happily turn your friends against you because the more isolated you are, the more dependent on them they are. And, you know, with social media, the one thing, a good thing about social media is you can see a lot of this garb, this drama on social media. And when I see two people bickering about whatever it is, friending, unfriending, they're both now done. They're both out. And a lot of people are taking that perspective. Yeah, I don't. There's a lot of drama over here. I don't want to get involved. I don't want to get involved. I don't want to get involved. And when these things end, you know, the they will work themselves out in the proper manner. You'll find who is who is being honest about what was going on because the work that they put into everything that's going on in their lives after this happens will speak for itself. And do yourself a favor. You got more free time now. Listen to more podcasts, work on yourself. Go to the gym, go on some hikes, take up a cooking class, make yourself busy with all of your passions and interests. So you're not just saying, no, I can't hang out and you got nothing going on. This is a great opportunity. Let's kill two birds with one stone. Let's accelerate our growth and let's remove this negative force in our life. Now, obviously, this doesn't work with people you see all the time. We get that. You can't just ghost on coworkers. You got to show up for your job. What we'll do here in these situations is we got to start making less and less time and less and less energy available to these people, starting with social, blocking them on social media. Just remove them, remove that influence, remove all the garbage that Johnny was talking about, all the posting, all that stuff that you get sucked into in their life, remove it, block it on social. It makes it even clearer to them that you are setting a clear boundary. You are taking a stand. You've had enough. That's it. And I want to also you may feel that of cutting this person out. You now will not be able to see your friends. I will tell you this. If that's the case and your friends were so easily manipulated by this person, you're still better off. You're better off. And guess what? They weren't really all that good friends. And just sometimes it takes a while for people to come around. And it is an enchanting spell that these toxic people, especially the really adept ones, have and just know that in months, sometimes years, how many times have we had people Oh, my, some of these breaks approach us and go, I didn't feel I could say this, but you're right. I'm happy that I came to the same conclusion. Yeah. And because that person, that toxic person will not be able to stop their game. So they'll just only go to the people who will accept them, who will listen. And here's why blocking on social is so important. There's this concept called orbiting and orbiting is not talking on social media, but the stalking, the following, the liking, the commenting. So what they'll do if you don't block them is they can make it appear on social that you're still friends, that you're still in cahoots with them, that you're still just as toxic as that person. And that's why the blocking, it's forceful, but it gets the point across. Next, we are not arguing here. This is not a room for discussion. This is a simple restating of your boundaries. Do not let them dispute your points or turn this into a negotiation or even an argument. No, not going to happen. And it's very common, as we said, for them to flip the frame, just restate your boundaries. And listen, we are not going to be convincing. Don't even try of the one card that someone who's toxic is going to play, as we said earlier, is the victim blame game. Yeah, it's their favorite game, and they're going to use it to their advantage. And if you start arguing, you're giving them that window of opportunity and they're going to come through with a crowbar. So don't feed the trolls. Also, this is really good when I was happy that Michael put this in the preps. I have thought about this and journaling is really health, but this really puts a point on it. Oh, yeah. Write a letter to yourself. See this as a dress rehearsal for that in person conversation. Yes. Jot your thoughts down. Listen, your mind is going to be racing. There is going to be a lot of cortisol going through your veins. You're stressed. You're an emotional wreck. They've used your emotions against you. They've taken your vulnerability and use it now as a weakness. So take some time, write down these thoughts. Write a personal letter. It's going to allow you to clarify what you're thinking. It's going to allow you to see clearly what the case is. And the best part is you can refer back to that letter later. As we're going to talk about here, memorializing details with someone who's toxic is very important because they love to bend that reality and toxic people are going to pop up. They always find a way to pop back up. They're like the the mushrooms after the rain. You feel like you've mowed the lawn. Everything's clear. And then up they pop back into your life. So that letter is a very powerful reminder of just how far they pushed you and just how far they manipulated you. So writing it down can be very helpful. The last is create that distance. You got to cut these people out of your life completely. You need to create distance between your friends, your activities, between where you're sitting at work. And sometimes as unfortunate as that sounds, it means going to the gym at lunch instead of sitting in the office space at lunch, moving physically away from that person. So they're not getting your time and attention, which they so crave. You might be thinking, well, that sucks. It's like they won. It does suck. It is awful. And this is why this is important to understand how easily susceptible you are to these things if you don't catch them early. And if you don't understand how this happens, I want to why I was so excited that we were doing this for this month was we've already been through this. We've chatted about this. I've I did a bunch of research on this years ago to put an informative series on our blog about it and was I always excited to fill you guys in on this information because it will save your life. It will make you be able to build something that allows you to flourish in without without the stress and the worry and the being up late at night and staring at the ceiling and the stomach problems and everything else that goes with toxicity. Have you ever received a body waxing of any sort, Johnny? I have not received the body waxing. This this is very much like waxing a part of your body. It's going to be painful as all hell. It's going to suck in the moment. It's going to suck after. In fact, the area where they remove the hair is going to be more sensitive. You're going to be more sensitive to people. You're going to feel like, oh, my God, I was taken advantage of. I was so vulnerable. But guess what? You've cleared a new path for yourself. It's now an opportunity for you to move freely in the direction that you need and want to be going. This is why I think going to the gym is so important. Reinventing yourself like you get in touch with yourself because you once this clears, you will feel like the Phoenix rising from the ashes of just new possibilities and a new and new opportunities because you're not going anywhere with this person in your life. And this person has been running interference. Yeah, they've been blocking you from having other meaningful relationships. They've been sabotaging your hopes and dreams. And all of a sudden, like that Phoenix, the sun is going to rise and you're going to see people in your life come back that you weren't even expecting, who are now happy to see the old you happy to see you free and unencumbered by this toxic cloud that's been following you. It's not going to be easy. There's no painless way to do this. This is not pain free dentistry. This is going to be a root canal. But we cannot stress enough that when you recognize these things, as you've heard from both of these toolbox episodes, hopefully, you act on them because the biggest regret that we had is allowing these smoldering fires to turn into complete infernos. And that's what the toxic person does. It's not just push the boundary a little bit. It's push, push, push, push, push until you have no more boundaries and you are completely steamrolled. So the sooner we can catch it, great. If you are catching it, do not wait. Follow these steps and move the hell on. All right, Johnny, disconnecting from a family member. Yeah. And I think I get that letter. You know, we always seem to get that those questions coming around the holidays, right, because you're like, oh, no, I got to go home and there's Uncle Joe and he's just horrible and he's just going to be drunk. And he's just going to be starting fights and manipulating everybody. It happens all the time. So how let's let's go through this. How do we deal with family members who we feel are toxic? Well, listen, this works with a former friend and acquaintance or even a date that's turned into something evil. But what we're talking about here in the real toxic in the toxic relationships in our lives, if it is a family member, how do we cut off that life supply? Well, obviously, family members have a much stronger connection and a longer history with us than anyone else. And that is a double edged sword because that makes it even more important to cut them off if they are toxic for us and understand that just because they're in our family doesn't grant them immunity to behave this way. No, it does not give them a free ride. And as much as they're going to tug on those hard strings, like how could you do this to the family? We have to understand that that does not give them cover for this bad behavior. Yes, I think the first move here is once you recognize it, say something immediately. Let them know because one now that that is set up, you can move from there. They've been you've stated that you will not deal with these behaviors. They know because they're going to say, well, no, you never said anything to me where I didn't know. You got to be firm and you have to make a point that I've went out of my way to state this. Once that's been done, now you can start making moves. Right. And the reason for that is because there is going to be family pressure from other individuals who might not see your perspective and they're going to fight with this whole turmoil and drama that now they feel you're bringing into the family relationship and the family dynamic. I want to add to that because it's family. They might be dealing with this for so long. It's just how things are at the house. So let's just say that you've moved out. You're going on with your life and it's just every time when you go home, you have to deal with this this person. The rest of the family deals with that person all the time. They're used to this insanity. That's why you dread going home. It's like going to the nut house. Right. You're getting a solid dose after you've been away. You've you've been able to separate yourself and get some space. And let's go back to that point, you know, not everyone is ready for self development and improving yourself. So if you're not doing those things, you're not going to recognize these behaviors. It just becomes part of life. They accept this. You've done all this work. That's why you can see it. And you're wondering, how is everyone else dealing with this? And sometimes it takes one person standing up to allow the domino effect to go the other way. So there there can be a situation where the rest of the family has been sitting on their hands unable to move. And when you are courageous enough to set the boundary, that they will help you enforce the boundary. So understanding that I know in a family situation, the dynamic and the influence that is exerted on us is a lot stronger than our social networks and our professional networks. But sometimes and even in my experience, it took me standing up for myself and saying, this is unacceptable to me for other people to see my perspective and take my side. And then we actually can make some movement and either the person has the ability to change their behaviors because now it's being reinforced by family members or they've been removed from the situation and less and less time is spent and less and less energy is spent on that negativity. I also want to say, you know, the way I see this as well, because while you're there, there's going to be a big whoop to do. And then they're going to try to get the rest of the family against you because you're being a jerk. And no matter what happens, so let's just say you got five days of this that you have to get through. It's fifth day. You're out. You go home. You're going back to your normal life. You're out. Everything that happened in the house during that time gets put aside. And then when you go back, right, that person's going to play the same game like, Hey, I do and I haven't seen you. And they're going to try to go through these things again. This is why your boundaries need to be in stone. Absolutely. And the more that we can get other family members to help us reinforce them, the stronger those boundaries are going to be. Now, we obviously want to be diligent and make rational decisions here. No one is saying, throw the baby out of the bathwater. No one is saying, turn your family upside down. No. When we're thinking about setting this boundary and making a clear decision, you should discuss with other family members that you view as not toxic. And you view as maybe having a stronger frame even in this situation. Sometimes what happens in this dynamic that we're not privy to is while we are dealing with this toxic individual, this toxic individual is backchanneling in the family to make us appear like the ones who are losing our wits and us appear like the ones who are the true victimizer. So sometimes just a simple check in with other family members that appear to be grounded and rational will allow them to feel and see that. Oh, actually, AJ is not as he's been said, right? Eight AJ is not as bad as everything that I've heard. But what happens is if we don't speak up and we just kind of take it and absorb all this toxicity that's going on, it's very easy for them to manipulate the situation to allow the family to work against us. So that's why checking in with other family members being diligent with your decision making and deliberate and rational. We're not saying go emotional here and have an outburst. But ultimately we have to create some distance between us and this toxic relative. Well, remember that outburst, if that happens, plays right into their reality that they've created, right? AJ is a crazy person. See, he went he went nuts at dinner and everyone's like, oh, yeah, I guess I guess you're right. That plays right into it and write that letter. Think about this decision, sleep on it, come to it in a rational manner so that you can hold up your end of the bargain on those boundaries. And this doesn't mean you have to just be cold and rude to this person. You can still be polite. You can still be conscientious, but you're just going to work to spend and invest less time and emotions in this person. Well, and let's think about that. I, you know, I recently had just I had a falling out with somebody. And and when another friend had asked, what was that over? And I said, it really doesn't matter. But my friendship and my time is something that is to be earned. And when you betray that, that gets taken away. There is a responsibility to be in my friend that and there is a and that goes and that's both sides and that responsibility is respect. And when that is, you know, it's just, I mean, there's a social contract there is what I'm trying to say. And that social contract is important. That cannot be messed with. And you should see your friendship with everyone as a social contract. And your family relationships, right? The way that you're treated is important to your well-being as well. You should not have to be on the receiving end of this bad behavior. We know when it comes to cutting out a co-worker, this is a very tricky situation. Yes, it is. It can be just like disconnecting from family members and often have a ripple effect that goes beyond just that one relationship. So understanding being deliberate, diligent and rational in this decision making is going to be very important because again, this toxic person is going to use some of those tools we discussed in part one to work your workplace relationships against you. And one of the things we have to remember is they're going to be lighting fires to take you off of your task, your goals, what you're supposed to be doing. So they can point to you from with everybody else to say, see, I told you he's not doing what he's supposed to be doing. Everything is to get you off of that because now they have evidence that you're the wrong person. And if you were, you know, this is why stoicism and emotional regulation is so important because if you're sensitive to this and you're able to be poked into an irrational behavior easily, you're doomed. Right. And this is certainly going to be influential on our performance reviews, on our promotions, on our standing in the work culture, which is so important these days. And at the workplace, there is a higher power you can evoke if shit truly hits the fan that you can't with a family. Right. You can't go to your boss. You can't go to your manager. You can't go to the VP or the CEO of your family. The family dynamic is going to be different than the workplace. And this is why it is very important to document and be thoughtful with all of your communication. So when you recognize a toxic coworker, when you recognize that this is someone who's gaslighting you, who's potentially making others believe that your performance is lagging and you're not capable. In fact, we were just out last night and having some drinks with some friends before going to see Robert Green speak. And what did she say to us? She said, I have a coworker doing just that. Yeah. He knows he's not getting it done. And every time I go to deliver something to my manager, he's the first to take shots at it, the first to point out the flaws, the first to try to knock me down a peg or two. We've been there and it's very difficult to navigate, which is why how we communicate with this person and how we memorialize that communication is going to be very important. When it comes to work emails, especially the ones that involve conflict, the best piece of advice I ever got was sleep on it. Yeah. Don't hit send, leave it in your draft until the next morning. And a lot of times after you've got your morning cup of coffee, you got out of your joy bird chair, you're hitting the gym. You're going to feel a lot better. Yes, about being rational in that response. It's it's really difficult to understand just how much emotion clouds your judgment and your writing. And you and the only way you're going to be, you're actually going to see that is to give it that space. I know that in that moment, you're it may seem that you've written out exactly what you want to say to that person and how you want to say it. Give it give it 24 hours. And when we're looking back at it, again, we're looking back at it for relevance. Right. Are we just adding stuff to the fire here and airing our own grievances and bring a bunch of personal stuff? And we're also looking at it as how would a lawyer, a judge interpret this message I'm about to send? Beautifully. Yes. That's exactly it. Because there is the potential for legal issues with this person if you work with them in their toxic. So when we are communicating and memorializing our thoughts, our words and communication with this person, we always want to take that perspective of what would a third party who's not involved in this at all see based on this communication? And and think about it. I mean, what are the things on a testimony that you don't want to hear when you're speaking? Right? If you're when you're giving your testimony and the defense attorney goes, that's hearsay. And they're going, boom, sustained. And you're like, oh, so that what I just said is gone. So you have to look at the accurate accusations you're putting out. Just go what is not able to be done and why it's not able to be done. Right. Not bringing in a bunch of information that doesn't further the case and certainly stokes emotional response. That's not going to be helpful. No, that it's only going to look like you're causing the trauma and we want to come prepared. You obviously don't want this to be a he said, he said, he said, she said, she said, she said interaction. You don't want it to be that hearsay moment of like, oh, will this happen offside? And this no, we want to make sure if we are going this route and we are going to be cutting this person out, not working with projects on them, removing ourselves in the situation that we have everything prepared and documented. You know what I love that we have in this company that we hadn't had years before? What's that? Slack. Yeah. Everything's documented, right? And if there's any meetings outside the meeting, we're like, well, no, no, no, no, no. Right. Why is there a meeting after a meeting? There is that can only be back channeling. That can only be talking about the meeting without everyone having a meeting. What is it? A meeting about us without us. Yeah. That doesn't move anything forward. That doesn't move anything forward. Having things like Slack and there's another one Monday or what not. But all communication is within that tool so that nothing can be misconstrued. And there there is no, oh, but but in the meeting outside the meeting, we talked about this or that. The other thing we want to talk about here and and this is something that a lot of us will not necessarily run to in this situation, but is a resource. Human resources actually helps in these situations when you come prepared and documented. And you don't even have you can do it anonymously. You don't have to call the person out, but you can say, I'm struggling in this situation. How can I solve this? And HR is going to be that resource to help you work through this and at least let you know when you should escalate things and when maybe you should just allow yourself to slide apart from this person, because there is obviously a legal component involved here in a toxic work environment where someone is doing mental, physical, emotional abuse to you, right? On the extreme end, we want to make sure that we are dotting all of our eyes and crossing all of our T's. And it's surprising because a lot of people view HR in a negative light of like, oh, I'm being dragged to HR. I don't interact with them. There are resources available that help exactly in these moments that HR is there to support. So we want to make sure that we are handling ourselves properly, documenting everything. Our communication is on point and then reaching out to HR before going to our superiors and trying to work ourselves out of this job. And, you know, there are tools there. If you want to go have some beers with the gang after work, that's where the gossip starts. And how do you avoid that gossip? All right. Somebody starts talking negatively about somebody, you know, you can hit that person by giving that person a compliment. That'll diffuse the situation. We were talking about this, I believe, last month. Yeah, it's incredible how easy it is to avoid gossip when you realize that changing the subject and offering positivity in the face of negativity can actually be the stronger frame. So when we're confronted with this gossip and this negative culture that seems to be permeating, if we lead from our seat and bring the positivity in those moments, even if we're cutting out this toxic person, we can strengthen our sphere of influence within the company so that we're not taken down with this person. Now, unfortunately, it is like a family member. It is ripping off a bandaid. It is a painful process. And a lot of times it takes two to tango. We were enabling. We're going to have to work through the fallout of this situation because we had an active role. Yeah, and you could be more diligent on this. But learn most of you got to learn from this. You have to understand, especially when it comes to a professional environment, culture is important and either you're adding to the culture or you're taking away from the culture. And when you associate yourself and ingratiate yourself with toxic co-workers, you're going to end up on that team that they feel is taking away from the culture. And it's going to paint you in a negative light. You know, something I was just saying, I remember being in some situations where because you're you hold full because you hold firm with your boundaries. That's another opportunity where that person that person gets mad. They can't bully around. So they start painting you as the bad guy. Yeah, they'll try to manipulate you when they realize that they can't just bull you over. Now, we understand that these are hard cases and that's why we get these questions all the time, even based off of the show and the and the blog posts that we've posted over the years. We want to make sure that we understand that even when we cut this person out, they're going to fight tooth and nail to come back in. They may even start gaslighting us again. And they're going to try their best to make it seem like you are happier with them than you are without them. So just recognize that this is a part of the healing process and moving on, even with that bandaid being ripped off, the healing process is going to happen a lot sooner than you think. So to recap, we started today talking about why it's so important to cut out these toxic relationships from our lives. And as you listen to the show, obviously, we realize that it can be a difficult and sometimes painful process. So the most important thing is to try to recognize these situations earlier. The earlier we can catch them, the better. Now we understand why it's so important to remove them. We also gave you some clear ways you can do that to start building some space between you, sunsetting that relationship. We also talked about two specific cases that are difficult, family and co-workers and gave you some perspective on how to handle those delicate situations. Lastly, we talked about gaslighting. And this is a phrase we used in part one last week that we wanted to give you a little bit more perspective on because this is a really important tool that a toxic person will often use to alter our reality and allow us to feel like we're at a step with the group dynamic. So our question this week is, have you ever cut ties with a toxic person and how did you go about it? We would love to hear if there are strategies or techniques that you've used that maybe we didn't cover that we can learn from. I think all of our audience would love to hear that. Let us know. We're always excited to hear from you. So send us your thoughts by going to thearticharm.com slash questions. You can also email us questions at the Art of Charm or find us on social media at the Art of Charm on Facebook, Instagram and even Twitter. If you could do us a huge favor. All of us here at the Art of Charm crew would love a review of the show. If you enjoyed the content, the research that went into this episode, head on over to iTunes, search the Art of Charm and give us a rating. We love to hear it and mean the world to us. Until next week. Have a good one. See you.