 All right, hey folks Happy Thursday. I hope you all have had an incredible week. I hope it's been very Eventful and fun and then we've all had a successful Drupal con. I Am so glad to have you folks here today. I appreciate all of your time We are today gonna have a little conversation And I'm mostly just gonna make a case for the use of compassion and empathy in the workplace, so I'm just gonna start by introducing myself as most people do Who am I? My name is Valerie Genzano. I am currently an account manager Have recently transitioned out of my role as a software trainer But my background is actually in the arts and museums and education, so Over the past three years my life has gone a lot from this and this To a lot of this as I'm sure is Expected when you make that kind of transition during a virtual world, so I started it like I said my career in the arts and I Worked with kids and I use all of the tools that I acquired working with children to also work with adults That might sound diminutive, but I promise it's not When I started to shift from teaching children in a museum to teaching adults software I Realized that adult people when they are faced with a new concept or a problem or something That is has never crossed their path before It's oftentimes received the same way that a child would receive it Sometimes with a little bit of hesitance and resistance and fear But when I realized that a lot of stuff ended up clicking for me when it came to people There is no clear example of humanity Then a child right and at the at the core of us all we are still the kids that we were when we were Three and learning, you know our letters for the first time Children are not yet subscribed to a ton of the social norms and concepts and while that can be gross and Sticky sometimes and sometimes they cough all over you sometimes it's really beautiful because they also don't know to not Trust and believe in people in a really in a really wonderful way They also haven't been burned or you know shunned by other folks Quite yet in their lives. So I always in my job and in my life think back to the experiences that I've had with children and I Approach my conversations with adults not with the same tone that I would as I would with a child but With the same again level of compassion And so that is where I am coming from with my little conversation today So what we're going to talk about? We're going to talk about understanding empathy and compassion We're going to talk about compassion beyond a screen, right? Because it's been incredibly difficult I'm sure for all of us to find that same level of compassion for people since everything has been pretty virtual I'm gonna spend a little time breaking down some fears that come with compassion that I See a lot and I talked to a lot of people about Then we're going to talk a little bit about how to practice compassion at work with your loved ones and Almost more importantly than anything with yourself So starting out with why we should care about compassion get to the root of it. We are all human Compassion and empathy are part of who we are at our core and in the science, right? So a study came out from Harvard that says advances in neuroscience has shown us that the brain Has neural networks that are hardwired with the ability to share the experiences of others Including emotions and sensations. So this is hardwired into us The past two years have been Stressful distant difficult unstable I'm not gonna sit here and talk about how horrible this has been to be in a pandemic but we all know and Because of these past couple years I think it's important to regroup and re-center with how we talk to each other Through times of loss and desperation. We only have ourselves and our shared humanity We've seen it in about every apocalypse movie that there is that at the end what saves everyone is people in your lives and while that is more of a Nuclear situation no pun intended It applies to everyday life as well Compassion overall is something we can practice if you are sitting here today thinking I am not innately a compassionate person First of all, I would tend to disagree But second of all it is something that you can practice and get better at and put into your everyday life Which is what I do in my job and with the people around me At the end of the day, it's important to remember that everybody wants to be happy and at peace That is our core mission is people So if you come into a compassionate conversation with that in mind it gets a lot easier Here I have a quote by Victor Frankel who's a philosopher that says everything can be taken from a man But one thing the last of the human freedoms to choose one's attitude in any given set of Circumstances and to choose one's own way. I do keep this in mind as well when having conversations It's pretty easy to say, you know, the only thing you can control is your attitude and we've all heard it a million times But if you put a different lens on it, it's really it can drive a conversation into a different direction that ends up being Very productive for all parties involved So there's a lot of confusion when researching because I did a lot of reading on this obviously to prepare and Trying to figure out how people understand empathy versus compassion is huge Empathy and compassion are not interchangeable, but they are dependent on each other Empathy is the ability to take perspective and adopt the emotions of another person It can manifest in two different ways prosocial behavior, which is what we're going to be talking about When we're talking about compassion and compassionate action or it can result in personal distress We might hear this as empathy burnout or compassion fatigue So it's important to remember that this empathy breaks down into two different ways And you can choose sort of how to channel it through practice Compassion is the desire to alleviate painful emotions of another person Which means that compassion grows from the pro-social behavior branch of empathy Empathy is always there when there is compassion, but there's not always compassion if there's empathy Compassion is then broken down further cognitive emotional motivational and behavioral But I have a little graphic here that I made that reminds us how We should be thinking about this process. We are rooted in empathy at the core of all of us. We have that empathy. We have that Neurological Ability to process other people's emotions and feel them But we bloom and we grow with compassion and that's what we have to aim for that growth At the end of every a passionate conversation that we have Compassion is not Timidness it is not sentimental love. You don't have to feel embarrassed to have compassion for other people It's not attachment You can have compassion with a stranger that you'll meet once you can have compassion with somebody who checks you out at the gas station And it's not pity. You don't have to feel pity to feel compassionate It is however the appreciation of Humanity and the willingness and want to see others successful and happy in their endeavors The end of the day this compassion is that shared want for happiness not only for yourself But for your colleagues for your family for you know your clients whoever it may be There are some measurable Benefits when it comes to compassion and compassionate conversation There are about a million studies that I'm not going to go into about the science behind Health and positive social relationships if you're interested in the science I do recommend looking up those studies because it's interesting but There's data to back up the fact that you are positive and compassionate Social relationships with the people in your life the people that you work with The people that you come into contact with on the street Benefit not only your but their physical health longer life Less illness somehow, so it's really it's global health when we're talking about compassion You also have this quote here from the Association for Psychological Science Witnessing another person's altruistic behavior elicits elevation Which is a discreet emotion that in turn leads to tangible increases in altruism Elevation in this study is defined as the feeling that you get when you watch something good happen for another person like the opposite of Scheidenfreude Which is when you think it's hilarious when bad things happen other people Elevation is the good feeling that comes out of good things happening for other people And that leads directly to increases in altruistic behavior Compassion and leadership creates stronger connections between people it improves Collaboration raises levels of trust and enhances loyalty. In addition studies that find compassionate leaders Studies find that compassionate leaders are perceived as stronger and more competent and that's from the Harvard Business Review So let's talk a little bit about roadblocks to compassion in a virtual world because That's sort of what we're dealing with from for now and and from the past two years Physical distance naturally fosters emotional distance we are not Having those same connections with people in the same room that we would be having in person And we are grateful for these times that we do get in person But the majority of our interactions right now are virtual and while we might get better at them And it is easier to have better connections through a virtual world now than it would have been a couple years ago There is still something that lacks in your want and need to be close with other people When we are in a virtual system I've got to look out for myself mentality I think a lot of us have Experienced this at some point over the past couple years of no one's gonna look out for me But me and I got to worry about myself which is Useful in a lot of ways But does provide a little bit of a roadblock when we want to get down to that vulnerability and empathy I Am exhausted from feeling so much This is something that I personally ran into Very hard over the past couple years, especially the beginning of 2020. I remember feeling that emotional Compassion burnout for months. I was just so tired of feeling so many things all the time That it was hard for me to make room for feeling any other way That is called that compassion fatigue I Don't feel understood right now So why should I have to understand anyone else and this is a big one that I see actually a lot of the time from my clients they don't feel like they're being understood or listened to and They don't feel like they need to understand or listen to anyone else and that's when we're gonna start to talk about and later on We're gonna touch a little bit on Starting from the top when it comes to setting a compassionate expectation in the workplace But these are all incredibly valid things to be feeling Especially in the world as it is today and this is where compassionate leadership will come in So show of hands who here sometimes struggles with finding compassion today in the world Yeah, I know right so with the big things politics health the environment business and also the little stuff somebody Got in a fender bender with my car somebody missed a meeting It all compiles and it's natural to feel less compassionate when the world is less and less of a gentle space Right, it's it's getting harder and harder to be a compassionate person and that's where this practice comes in but When I talk to people about the issues that they have with using compassion in a workplace using compassion in a professional environment I heard a lot of this so if I show compassion people will assume I'm weak The world is a tough place and I need to exude toughness to succeed People take advantage of others who are empathetic or compassionate People will assume I have a hidden agenda People don't do anything that doesn't directly serve them. I Can't have critical judgment skills while also being compassionate and empathetic These are really really common sort of concerns that I have heard talking to people about I mean It's different a little bit when you're at home. You're compassionate with your Significant other you're compassionate with your kids, but a lot of these still apply They don't you don't want your kids to take advantage of you if you show them a little too much, you know compassion or Whatever it may be But these are really common fears that we see with compassion and empathy and conversation and There is a lot to be said about them, but there is a lot that doesn't hold up Nothing in a conversation about compassion suggests weakness, especially when you combine it with wisdom it's related directly to strength and courage and I say that because who here can think of a Person that exemplifies compassion or a compassionate leader. Does anybody have an example of someone just shout it out Mr. Rogers Anyone else a compassionate leader Obama who Bob Ross maybe a compassionate leader. I Hear a lot of Martin Luther King, Jr. I hear a lot of Gandhi. I hear a lot of the Dalai Lama I hear a lot of Mother Teresa These are all people who are compassionate leaders and say what you will about them I don't think that any of them can be considered, you know Some a pushover right a really strong really influential people who Exemplified compassion and none of us are Martin Luther King or Mother Teresa But I think that it shows that you can be compassionate and you can have these feelings of empathy and and gentle Conversation without being a pushover without being weak The world being tough sure, but it's about changing that stigma of having compassion, right? So it starts with a big push towards this kind of conversation Compassion also promotes Expansiveness and a wider world view a ton of leaders lead with a compassionate leadership style Because it allows them to see situations in a more realistic way It can bring clarity in the way that if you remove compassion from a conversation from your analysis of a situation If you say well, I'm not gonna get let feelings get in the way and I'm gonna just look at the facts You're eliminating an entire half of that conversation. That is very much human I hear it a lot that I'm not gonna I'm not gonna let emotions get in the way But to remove emotion from it does end up taking a lot out of the actual possible outcomes We also default to truth as humans and the default to truth theory is by a the chair of communication studies at the University of Alabama Timothy R. Levine and the basic idea of the default to truth theory is that when we communicate with other people at Our core we not only tend to believe them, but the idea to not believe them doesn't immediately cross our minds If we strayed away from that, it's because probably we've been hurt. We've been burned, but our natural Reaction to people what I saw with kids It I mean they default to truth all the time I couldn't tell a kid I was 55 and they'd be like wow really and you're like no but they'll believe you and I mean not to use that to lie or be Not you know untruthful in a conversation But knowing that if you want to be vulnerable and open and compassionate people tend to not automatically think you're lying And people shouldn't assume you have bad intentions, especially when you prove that compassion time and time again it is a marathon Not a sprint with compassion and it does take a lot of practice as I've said Here I have a quote from the executive chairman of LinkedIn Who says when you understand others from their perspective? It enables you to ask the difficult questions and approach difficult situations differently You'll ask a different set of questions and it enables you to avoid unintended consequences Carry humility we are all individuals and when you treat people with that kind of respect It is incredibly powerful This is an insanely compassionate leadership strategy and and I think that that level of understanding that he's promoting really does Mean a lot when you have a compassionate workplace I mean in all the studies of LinkedIn from when Jeff Wiener was the CEO I mean there are really really great reviews of how that company is led So if we're going to talk about tools from for compassion Again at work at home or for yourself Um, I have a couple that I always like to share and they're not the law But they are guidelines that I use to remind myself to have compassionate conversation The first one i'm going to talk about is actually from a book called the four agreements Um, the four agreements is written by a man named Don Miguel Ruiz who was informed by ancient Mesoamerican called Toltec wisdom And this is a code of conduct to quote unquote Set yourself free from uh self limiting beliefs Um, and now I look at this a lot of the way that I look at something like astrology And before you roll your eyes and you're like, oh my god, this girl's going to start talking to me about astrology That is exactly something a capricorn would say Um, just kidding. I use it as a set of checkpoints or communication So here you can see the four be impeccable with your word don't take anything personally Don't make assumptions and always do your best and I use these i'm not exaggerating every single day um So while it's up to you how to interpret this i'm going to Choose to explain how I use them Be impeccable with your word. Uh, this is for me. I remind myself to not Have a have a situation where i'm gonna have to explain like I didn't mean that or I said something that I didn't mean Or I didn't mean it in that tone being super super conscious of the way that I talk to people And that's always step one because you want to eliminate any chance of you causing closed offness or Hesitance in conversation The rest of the three are the ones that made the absolute most impact on me sort of all used in conjunction Don't take anything personally and don't make assumptions Are huge for communicating You never know what is going on behind closed doors and at the end of the day While you can say that doesn't affect me or that doesn't matter it does I mean so many of us are working from home You don't know who has to go pick their kids up from school You don't know who is taking care of a family member. You don't know who is You know working super extra long hours because they're late on rent It's important to remember that you can't take anything in that moment personally or make assumptions about why someone is saying the thing that they are um the most I guess We'll say the most impactful thing that anyone has ever said to me is It sounds really Of course, but give me a second is that you don't matter and I don't mean that in a way of like You don't matter in the grand scheme of things. Obviously you matter, but when you're having a conversation with somebody They're not saying anything to hurt you. They're not thinking of you in any kind of way You don't matter to them in that moment. You you are part of the conversation They're not trying to offend you. They're not trying to make your life harder um And always do your best is always a good checkpoint, right? Did I handle that situation the best way I could have? Is there any reflection I can do about it? And if you combine all three of these things, um You can go into conversations thinking whatever happens as long as I do my best and I am kind I've done what I can So following those four pillars that I kind of use going into conversations I have my own four actionable steps for compassionate conversation and I again use these every day and I think my my co-workers can sort of anticipate how I'm going to explain this because I Am incredibly appreciative and it makes Compassionate conversations a thousand times easier Um, we start with that listen pillar. So I'm gonna it's going to zoom away and then zoom back. Don't worry um The listen pillar I always say to practice practice active listening and observation in your conversations Really listen and hear and look if you have the opportunity to To what people are saying and how they're acting I was watching a little you know animated short on compassion earlier And the woman was having a conversation with a friend and he said, you know, I go into my grocery store every day and I see the same checkout girl every day and I have never noticed anything about her and They made it an active, you know Experience to go in there and notice that person that they talk to every day really listened to what they're doing You have a predetermined notion about people sometimes Until you really observe them They said they always thought in the back of their minds that this checkout counter person at the grocery store was Always had a little bit of a of a scowl on and wasn't a very happy person And when they took the time to go in and really notice They noticed she was, you know, singing to herself before someone came up to the counter and she did have a smile on and The more that you take time to actively recognize people The easier those compassionate conversations are going to be Another important thing that someone told me once was that it is not you versus another person It is you and another person versus a problem or a hurdle or Something that you are acting to you know alleviate. It's not you versus another person It's you and them together versus a problem and use this in in any kind of conversations I have even at home even you know with my significant other it's never me versus you And again that breaks down that first barrier of the conversation of why you're talking to them This second pillar is to appreciate and this one for me has been absolutely life-changing Um this past year. I have made it a point to start Verbally appreciating the people around me in my workplace at home And you would not believe The reaction that it gets so Recently at work. I had an experience where Again, I'm an account manager one of my clients had a problem with a product And their project manager called me in the middle of the day and was like, oh my gosh, this thing broke I had no idea how it happened. I am so sorry like I will do anything I can to help fix it And you know, I'm listening to her and and I know the steps that it takes to fix something like this And before any of the rest of the conversation happened I said listen Thank you so much for reaching out to me and doing what you can I really appreciate the work that you have done on this problem. I know that it's Not super easy to fix on the fly. I know you're probably under a ton of pressure I just want you to know I appreciate the work that that you're doing And she took pause she stopped and she was like thank you so much for saying that It gets hard sometimes when people don't Know what you do when people don't understand or appreciate the work that you put in And all the appreciation that I give is is completely genuine. I never make it up I'm never like oh, I'm going to say I appreciate this person just to get through this conversation You can always find something to appreciate about a person and what they do And I think that if you sprinkle a little bit of appreciation into almost every conversation that you have Especially ones that you feel like are hard or difficult because it's not easy for other people either You will be shocked to see how people open up And are more willing to work with you because they feel appreciated and they're going to appreciate you back It's just that it's it opens a door So appreciation is is in my opinion the most important step in this process Then going on to reflection so you can reflect on the conversation problem or hurdle You can do it yourself alone. You can do it through conversation with that person But this point of reflection is what changes it from empathy to compassion Remember empathy is that feeling of of suffering for another person Compassion has the action attached to it So when you reflect and act on a conversation a compassionate conversation that you've had an empathetic conversation you've had You are going to be able to attack that situation With a new lens and a completely different set of tools to go forward You will be able to act in a way that will better reflect the situation at hand Um, and so those are my four sort of main pillars of compassionate conversation when I'm working again at home But if compassion does not include yourself It is incomplete And this is where you're going to be able to really Change the way that you feel compassion is that you have to change it by starting with yourself Self-compassion the self-compassion method came out of harvard from to I believe psychologist chris germa and christin neff And self-compassion Is quoted as involving the capacity to comfort and soothe ourselves To motivate ourselves with encouragement when we suffer fail or feel inadequate Self-compassion is learned in part by connecting with our innate compassion for others And self-compassion also helps us grow and sustain our compassion for other people If you do not allow yourself that same kind of compassion that you would like to allow other people You won't be able to do it effectively Something I also found very interesting about this theory of self-compassion is they talk about something called back draft If you are not in the practice of showing yourself compassion If you want to start You might experience something called back draft, which is actually a firefighting term when you Open a door of a burning house and fire shoots out at you You have to get past that first hurdle of feeling Icky and gross about the compassion that you're showing yourself. You have to get over the idea that it is Selfish or self-indulgent And once you get past that hurdle You have those kind of conversations with yourself before you have them with anything else It'll become a million times easier So I have a little Slide next that is compassion in practice and you can do this alone or you could do it with your table But your activity for here and for now is to think of a time when you wish someone in your life would have shown you More compassion either in your personal life or professional life And I want you to use those four steps that I talked about listening Appreciating reflecting and acting Um, and I want you to allow yourself the compassion you needed at that time And again, this can be solely by yourself. You can talk about it with people at your table It's going to give you a minute or two to think through a time that you really could have used a little bit of compassionate Conversation or a little bit of compassionate action And the person wasn't equipped to give it to you at that time Then I want you to allow it for yourself appreciate yourself reflect on the situation and Remember the steps that you took to overcome the hardship And once you think about that for a minute, I do want you to think about a time that you could have had more compassion for someone else um, I think we've all Been a little bit high strung at points or a little bit less concerned with other people and just reflect on a time of Hey, I could have had a little bit more compassion. I could have listened a little harder. I could have appreciated that person So I'm going to give you guys just a minute to do that As you're thinking about this um, I'm going to talk about a couple ways that we can Practice self compassion in this way And avoid empathy burnout and compassion fatigue So to allow yourself this kind of compassion You're going to block out time for yourself It always starts with you um, I never did this before I have been sort of on a work hustle for the past couple years and Was really losing myself to it for a while And I would work from you know, eight to six and then I would make dinner and watch Selling sunset and go to bed. That was all I did in a day and I've started blocking out time for myself in the afternoon either to You know eat lunch and step away from my computer or to reflect on my day at the end of the day And it has made an entire difference in how I approach my days. It splits it up. It doesn't feel so overwhelming You need to remember your emotional boundaries And this is huge for not feeling that compassion and empathy burnout If you feel like you're getting to a point where you are not being productive with your empathy And you are getting overwhelmed and you're taking on too much Take a step back. Communicate that. Hey, I'm feeling a little overwhelmed right now. Give me an hour or so. I'll get back to you Give me a day to reset my brain and we'll talk about this again Taking your time and your emotional boundaries seriously and communicating them with other people Sets a precedent for all of the communication that you have Cultivate friendships I go into every conversation that I ever have as though this person's been my friend for five years, right? I immediately no boundaries Not no boundaries, but no no wall no boundaries. No walls are up. Um, no sort of nervousness and That cultivation of friendships makes every single conversation I have worth it. Um I think that it also helps people not feel so nervous to talk to to someone I can be loud and I can be boisterous But if the loud and boisterous person is your friend then it's a little it's a little bit easier to talk to them um, and those friendships while they might be Not supernatural at first will become natural with time And you you know water them and grow them into whatever kind of friendship or relationship you you need and those friendships will carry you through and help you avoid that empathy burnout and compassion fatigue by being genuine and sharing these emotions equally Having that time for self reflection, I know that a lot of research and studies that I've talked to about or I've read about um Emotional burnout, you know compassion empathy a lot of it has to do with meditation Reflection prayer or whatever you use um I'm not the best myself at setting time for meditation or or thoughtfulness in that way But I do it in other ways right I set aside time to take a walk And during that walk I might not listen to any music and I just reflect on my day And I reflect on conversations that I could have had or that I did have that went wrong or that went right It doesn't have to be so serious. It doesn't have to be you download the headspace app and sit for 30 minutes looking at a wall It can really be just like take a walk clear your head think about your day Get outside in that same notion We've been cooped a little bit over the past couple years getting out for a walk Does that oxygen does clean your brain somehow? It resets you and it it makes it easier to go back to work or go back to the computer screen And then we have some for the leaders Set workplace strategies and lead by example when it comes to compassionate conversation This is huge This can change the way your workplace functions If you as a leader show compassion Create spaces for open communication Something that I have implemented with my clients is I host a Monthly user led discussion series where my clients can come on to a zoom call and talk about problems that they're having Or find solutions together Creating those spaces for openness and communication is huge. Um, I oftentimes encourage leaders that I talk to to have Town halls or office hours even You set up a zoom room and 4 p.m. On a thursday and you know Have anybody who wants to come in and talk to you about something give them a chance and a town hall once a month Where people can submit anonymous concerns and you can genuinely listen and hear them out and make plans To fix things that might be bothering people that they might not feel heard about Those workplace strategies and those open dialogues result in incredible increase in productivity and satisfaction in your companies um, there are studies from u michigan that state in fact in 2020 76 of employees believe an empathetic organization Inspires more motivated employees compared to 65 percent who said the same in 2019 The need for empathy and compassion in your workplace is growing um Jane Dutton from u michigan said that we found that employees who'd experienced compassion at work Uh, saw themselves their co-workers and the organization in a more positive light Statistically they demonstrated more positive emotions such as joy and contentment and more commitment towards the organization So these practices these Open dialogues these spaces for conversation And that compassion that you can give your employees your clients your friends your co-workers Results in an overall increase in satisfaction in the workplace and at the end of the day I think that's what we would all be going for when running an office or running a workspace When an organization's capacity for capacity for compassion comes from the top It can result in a kind of compassion contagion that sweeps the whole organization So wrapping up I hope that I have made an appropriate case for finding compassion for yourself during your workday for your colleagues For your teams if you're a leader Again recommend Creating those spaces for open dialogue and communication. I hope you go forward in your conversations by listening appreciating Reflecting and acting And I hope that we can all sort of understand what's so funny about peace love and understanding. Thank you very much