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And when I did go there my father actually grabbed me by my wrist and threw me on the table and I quickly closed my eyes and I was raped continuously by each person in that room and it lasted for hours and it wasn't like a rape it was more of an attack. It was very vicious. I was being bitten, I was being slapped. I was just being thrown around like a rag doll. So school I was either punched, kicked, spat upon. My hair was pulled, I was called names because I was one of two people of color and the other person was my brother so if it wasn't him being beaten at lunchtime it was my turn. Mother and father-in-laws would pour petrol over a girl, a bride, set her on fire and then say that she'd committed suicide because she was giving birth to a girl and they didn't want girls so they thought she was a girl-making machine. So they would go kill her and then bring somebody else in or get somebody else married to their son and hope that he would have an heir. He would have a boy and I was paranoid of fire. I just felt it was my turn coming up because I hadn't had a child. I was starting to push my father-in-law off me as opposed to just allowing him to do things because I was repulsed by him. I didn't want that. You turn up to work, your ankles are bleeding because he would tie me up with, I don't know if you remember the old metal coat hangers are really quite rigid. He would tie them around my ankles and the metal bits would actually dig into my skin but they would strip me as a way of a control thing to humiliate me. I became homeless because of domestic violence. My ex-partner tried to kill both me and my youngest son. I get roughly 30 to 40 death threats every month. I'm Boomer on. Today's guest we've got Nina Alk. Nina, pleasure. Lovely to meet you. Yeah, lovely to meet you. Book offer, kind of your main coach, live coach, whatever you want to call it. We also want to touch on honour Kiran's as well which is very important and I've really knew much about it if I'm honest. Obviously I knew you were coming on. I started doing that by digging and I even spoke to an undercover police officer, a woman. She said it's so rife as well. Especially in Scotland. Yeah. Why is that? Because the communities stick together and there's a big Asian community in Scotland, a lot of Pakistani communities, a lot of North Indian communities. So things never change when they don't integrate and they withhold the traditional values and belief systems because they're in that community. Before we get into it, Nina, I'd like to go back to the start of my guest. Get a bit of understanding about you, where you grew up, how it all began. So I'm Nina Alk. I'm a mindset coach for UFC fighters and some really lovely people but I value my work more so as an activist. I'm very raw and real and people either like it or they don't and often people say I should come with a trigger warning so maybe your listeners want that but the only warning I believe I should come is that I'm armed with love, complete self-love, which I like to hand out to everyone I meet. So my story goes back to I'm born in 1970s on 53 now and it goes back to being born in Leicester. My parents are from North India, they're Punjabi and they brought with them very much their own self-beliefs of how life should be lived. Like when you go on holiday you pack your sun creams and your swimmers but for them it was all about taking their values and understanding how they lived their lives in India and bringing that forward and that's how they raised us and I was the youngest of three. How about you at school? So school I was either punched, kicked, spat upon, my hair was pulled, I was called names because I was one of two people of colour and the other person was my brother so if it wasn't him being beaten at lunchtime it was my turn. I was a really dirty child because I was neglected by my parents so I would turn up often covered in dirt and smell really which didn't help with getting picked on but I loved school strangely because it was my escape through books that I found me in a way. So I would really absorb the learning process, I would try to please the teachers, I would sit right at the front, I would take books upon books upon books home and just lose myself because I wasn't allowed up my room at home from the age of six I was literally told to stay within those four walls but I enjoyed my solitude if I'm being honest because that's what I knew. So you being at school did you find you were getting the love from the teachers especially being the good detouchers because they were always loved by the teachers always do what they're told always getting top grades do you find that was a pattern for you to be good because you were getting that love that you weren't getting at home? Not really because back then teachers quite strict they weren't as loving or empathetic as they are now you know they didn't show emotion you know you were told off more than you were told that you're doing well so to speak you were never really rewarded so I didn't really have many teachers that I connected with either because they weren't of my culture so they didn't really get me and I think being of a different culture it was it was that difficult child you know the one they didn't want to deal with or they didn't want to understand but they could have many a time have changed my life if they had taken some interest I've got to say you look great for someone in their fifties what if you're doing his working like you look someone in your fifties genuinely like you look great so well done like so when did you realize that something was amiss like in years when you're six years old if you were kept in the room like was it just the norm or did you realize that there's something just not quite right here yeah I didn't didn't learn about the fact it wasn't normal until later on if I'm being honest I my job was literally to when they would call me they were I was non-verbal so I didn't speak to my parents we weren't allowed to make eye contact like we are now it was a case of always looking down never speaking to somebody looking at their faces so my hearing ability was impeccable I could hear them moving I knew who was moving who was coughing who was sneezing I could tell which person'd opened the door because the way they pulled it after they'd opened it so I didn't have a very good connection with my family in that respect but I was always called out of my room to cook that was the main reason I was called out because I was the only person that cooked in the house and cleaned and one of my jobs was to cook for my parents my dad when he would come back from the pub he would go away like you know most most guys go to a pub on a Friday or Saturday night and they bring back then they used to bring back a lot of their friends and he used to bring back an array of people you know some tall people short people whatever they were but they were his friends and they were of the same culture and in my culture we don't say somebody's name if they're older than you you say aunt your uncle but they're not related it's just how we say you know our show respect and I knew things were terribly wrong when I came downstairs one day I was exceptionally tired I was 14 just turning into a young woman I guess and my mum used to wake me up by poking me never sort of telling me anything and that night I really don't want to come downstairs I don't want to cook any rice I didn't want to make any curry but I knew I had to I had no option and I sort of pulled myself out came down the stairs and they were exceptionally loud and that's the first thing I remember coming down the stairs thinking they're really loud today there you know I could hear the glasses I could see the bottles outside because my dad would place once he'd finished the bottle place it outside and I could see all the bottles lined up thinking god they're really drinking a lot today so I made lots of food my job was to take it on a big tray I think the tray was bigger than I was back then and I would place it on a low table and then I would leave and that was my job then I would sit on the bottom step and wait and normally they were quite quicker eating but this time they were taking forever and I was trying not to fall asleep but something really instinctively was telling me to just not go in that room that night and I talk about it a lot where we have that in a messaging service because I now believe we're spiritual beings trapped in like a bodysuit and our spirits are telling us this isn't good for you don't go there but I had to what could I do I had no option and when I did go there my father actually grabbed me by my wrist and threw me on the table and I quickly closed my eyes and I was raped continuously by each person in that room and it lasted for hours and it wasn't like a rape it was more of an attack it was very vicious I was being bitten I was being slapped I was just being thrown around like a rag doll how the fuck do you deal with that now how well obviously I can see that motion in your face I've got a daughter at 12 and I do everything on my power to protect her I'm overprotective I speak to enough people to understand how dark and demonic this world is so when you go through that at six years old like not knowing even what that is then I had a amazing woman called Della Wright she went through the same sort of deal at six years old her abuser her mum used to go out and drink and he was a babysitter and that's been on for many many years and the strength of this woman's got is unbelievable the strength that you're sitting here to be able to talk about this stuff and try and raise awareness and still try to show love says everything about your character and it shows you how far you've came in life and I take my heart off to you know I'm proud of you that you know you still managed to speak and start still managed to be a better person because that stuff can make people turn fast hate rage anger no doubt you've had all that at some points in your life but to be sitting here looking great and trying to get on my life is an amazing thing and it shows but people can do with setting that mind and just want to be better and approve and improve which is so important in life so after that experience then as a kid that how do you move on from that do you become numb to the world is it look at what's how hard does that to then try and I don't know forget remember so I was 14 I wasn't six from six I'd started this process of being the servant like a modern day slave which I understand now I didn't understand it then but when I was 14 and this had happened I lost myself you know I think all of us go through some things in life where we just can't cope and I'm no different to anybody else in that sense I struggle to get up I struggle to go to school I was actually in pain because that kind of attack as I call it that kind of rage that they were abusing me with left me for months it didn't go away it wasn't just an overnight thing you know I was hurting for ages after I wasn't able to sleep I was having nightmares you know I would wake up in the night without anyone to go to for comfort and my room was bare it literally was just a bed no bedding nothing and only comfort that I had was my dog we had to had a dog and she was my first sort of sense of warmth in my life because my parents went tactile at all so I struggled and I remember not sitting at the front of the classroom at school I would sit at the back and often I'd be curled up in a ball crying but I was ignored because I was like just you know sleeve a B sort of thing I think once a teacher asked me to get out of the room but never asked me how I was the girl that I walked to school with I stopped walking with her you know I had a little girl that would walk to school with me and she used to teach me songs because I wasn't allowed to watch television so she would say we have this song on top of the pops and I'd be waiting for the Friday fair to tell me but I stopped asking her and I stopped talking to her but she didn't really know what to say to me and I think I was a real siren for help I was literally sending out all these signals but nobody was picking them up and then I realized I was pregnant and I had to tell my mother and I was 15 you know I was turning 14 15 when all of this happened and they took me to a clinic where they obviously arranged for an abortion and I remember that was the first time I'd ever encountered kindness because after the procedure I remember everything very clearly but the one thing that I remember the most and I've said it time and time again is somebody as she touched my hair she brushed my hair back and she gave me a cup of tea and I thought how bad of a person can I be that she's giving me this cup of tea that she's extending this gift to me who am I you know my parents always told me I was evil that I was bewitched I was a bad spirit I was possessed by the devil himself and that's why you know one of the reasons they hated me so much but here was this woman actually touching me and I remember taking that kindness and thinking to myself all the way back I can't be that bad and I've got a habit of talking to myself I've done it as a child maybe not having anyone else to talk to some people have imaginary friends the only friend I ever had was somebody called Fear who literally followed me around everywhere I went from a young age but I started to tell myself maybe I'm not that bad but on the way home all my parents kept saying was what are we going to do with her she's spoiled herself you know and you need to tell your daughter as you said you've got a daughter over and over again that she's tall she'll believe that she is tall I was being told that I was a problem that their lives were terrible now that people were going to laugh at them and I wouldn't be able to have an arranged marriage because I wasn't a virgin anymore and what was going to happen and I hated myself sitting in the back I looked at the back of my mom in the back of my dad and I was really scared I was really upset and I just hated me you know many a times at school I'd wished I was that white boy or that white girl and not this Indian girl that was trapped in this disgusting body that everyone hated many a time I wished I was the teacher or somebody else and I just didn't like me very much I hated myself to a point where I wanted to kill myself and a couple of days later after we got home from that I took an overdose and back then we had tubs of Paracetamol's lot packets and I had the whole lot didn't know what I was doing but if anyone's ever done that they'll know you go through a lot of pain abdominal pain chest pain I actually didn't know what to do I took them lay down thinking that would be it but I didn't die obviously I'm still here to tell the tale How many times did that happen to you? The event that happened in the living room was that the one time? It was just the one time things progressed very quickly after that time that they wanted to get rid of me it was almost like they wanted to get rid of their problem which was me and all I could hear my dad saying continuously was what we're going to do with her that's all he would ever say and then one day I heard him on the phone because I used to have this habit of really pressing my ear against the door and it was like a really wooden coarse door because those days doors weren't nicely polished the way they are now painted and I remember the splinters actually sometimes catching in my hair but I remember listening to a conversation and he was talking to someone and saying I'm really happy now oh my god this is amazing and I thought wonder what's happened that he's so happy because I was used to days and days and weeks and weeks of him complaining and I was called downstairs and when I went into the room there was one of the guys that had raped me you know my father's friend but with him was his wife and they had a bag like a bag with a tray in it and the tray had sweet Indian sweets it had like a red like a chiffon scarf that you put over my head because it was a ceremony that was taking place for an engagement and by them doing that they say we'll take your daughter but what I didn't know was who I was marrying and what was going on because he had a son that was a similar age to me and then while sitting there listening to it I realized that his son had a girlfriend who was white British and because they didn't want the community to know about this relationship he had they were marrying him off to me in a sham wedding but he would have nothing to do with me we wouldn't share the same bed we wouldn't share the same room we would have nothing to do with each other I was actually getting married for my father-in-law so that he could have a sex slave and my mother-in-law so she could have a servant and they were making this agreement and many was exchanging hands my father was saying not that much and he was saying no I want this much money my father was saying well I won't give you this much gold he was saying no I want this gold and I want this for myself you know there was this bartering going on over me and then the next thing I knew I was turning 16 and I was getting married and I ended up in their marital home which was a lot smaller than my parents they were a lot poorer than my father they gave me a tiny little room which was like a cupboard and it had like a makeshift bed with no door and just almost like an open cupboard where I was going to sleep because it was downstairs and they would all sleep upstairs and I knew after a little while that he was going to keep coming and bothering me my father-in-law and I constantly for four years was pulling either his hands out of my underwear or pushing him off me and I was a feeble young girl really I wasn't very old at all but they wanted me to work they were greedy for money and that was their biggest mistake because I was ambitious in the sense of I wanted to earn a lot of money because I thought if I earn a lot they might leave me alone so I didn't know what I was doing but I discovered I was this other person in work I was a more confident person I gave myself the name Nino it's not my name and I would turn up at work and I would say hi everyone you know and be super cheerful and try to almost switch off what was going on at home because I didn't want to take that to this place it's like if I've had a problem now getting it because I did go on the wrong train and my train was delayed as well I've not bought that with me I've left it there but I could do and you'll have a lot of problems with people where they bring their feelings with them wherever they go but I had this way of understanding how not to do that and I would turn up at work every day super smiley I was one of the youngest people that work there I was the only person of colour and I learned to hang around in the right places which was the coffee machine on the executive floor which was two floors up and everyone said never go there never go there never go there and I thought why I want to go see what's going on and one of the executives came came towards me he was a marketing guy and I said oh don't really know what I'm doing but I really wanted to coffee and just smiled and he said what is it your after you know and I said a job he said I thought he wanted to coffee and he actually gave me I was the first manager who was under 20 I think I was 17 actually when I got the job on a really really good wage which I thought was going to please them but nothing seemed to please them but through work I came across some people that said to me this isn't the way your life should be you know you turn up to work your ankles are bleeding because he would tie me up with I don't know if you remember the old metal coat hangers are really quite rigid he would tie them around my ankles and the sorry and the metal bits would actually dig into my skin but they would strip me as a way of a control thing to humiliate me to scare me but I was scared I wasn't going to go or ring anyone we didn't have mobile phones the only phone was in the front room and I was too scared to go and ask anyone for help who was I going to ask we don't call the police we don't do that in our culture so they would do these things to try and control so see when you were at work was that I know when you said you were at school it was an escape was what your escape you could be who you wanted to be and nobody knew what was going on behind closed doors yeah I did you definitely hit the nail on the head that was an escape but it was somewhere where I could learn more about me and you know when you grow up you start to learn about things that you you're always told by your parents what you are you're always told by people what you are but you start to discover new things doesn't mean you would accommodate to them or you receive them because if you're told not to receive them you block them but you do see them so I did see things I saw people I you know I made friends I never had friends but I actually started to make friends with people and two of them that were significant for my my life changing I guess was a guy who was from Nigeria he was working there and a girl who was Indian just like me and they came a little bit later after me and she was the one that said you know you should go back home because surely your parents won't do anything now you're 21 and you're continuously coming here with more and more bruises or they could see that I'd been I'd been beaten people can tell and I started to think maybe that was the right thing to do did you ever think about running they were you too scared where was I going to run to who would want me you know I was just a girl I was born this girl that had absolutely no self-belief I saw myself as a a heavy baggage I felt I was like this heavy bag if anybody wanted to carry this bag they won't be able to carry me and nobody I just felt nobody wanted me I never ever was seen in that way or you know like you admire a woman or you look at her in a certain way that you think she's pretty I never got those looks I never did I was just Nina you know Nina that would get on with it or Nina that was the manager I just didn't ever maybe I didn't see it but I just felt I didn't get it so you were 19, 11 I'm sorry to go back there but seeing you were 14 was your dad involved as well my father was the first person to rate me what a sick bastard huh and your mum was there my mum was upstairs people say do you think she knew maybe she'd been treated badly you know in her past what you have to understand is when you're a girl born into my cultural culture similar to mine whether you're in the Middle East or you're in Africa you don't matter you know we're very much almost disposable people when we're not even people to them we're just beings the sad though is religion play a big part in this religion hasn't got anything to do that a lot of people confuse the two what's the difference culture is how we live our lives culture should be about music it should be about clothes it should be about food but unfortunately culture is very much about how we live our lives what we accommodate who we are allowed to marry arranged marriages are a common thing if you want to marry somebody you can only marry somebody from your culture from the same sort of northern India you can't marry somebody from even south India it's not allowed it's taboo it's crazy how we live in a world for me everybody's got their own beliefs and opinions on religion for me religion divides the world if you look at religion then some people can go to religion they're the best people in the world they it's everything everything you perceive or whatever you want to take it but if you go deep into whether it's a crime whether it's the Bible or some dark demonic shit in there the you've got the Bible where you've got I think it was lots it was called where you've got these two girls these two daughters pregnant when they were drunk they got him drunk and then you get the Quran like Muhammad I think he was married at seven or girls at seven like no matter what you say no matter if this was accepted 1500 years ago or thousands of years ago it's 2023 that shit should not be accepted try to bring the age of consent down from 16 to 12 as well we're 14 again kids they're not old enough to make those decisions to be sexually active in my own mind maybe it's because I've got a daughter and I'm more protective but the way the world is it's sexual energy exchange as well you've got soul ties you've got so much deep and in debt full of energies and how the exchange is in life and for me people just need to waking up like I believe people can be brainwashed easy whether that's culture that ain't a culture beating kids and rating kids that ain't a culture that's pedophilia no matter what way you look at it no matter what religion says that as a human being you've got right and wrong and you know deep inside as cheesy as it is love as the answer for anything in life for pain to trauma for happiness that you if you truly I don't think enough people on this planet love their self including myself that I struggle no matter what I do in life no matter how successful I've become I still struggle when I think I ain't good enough so I'll sit there I'll eat it I'll hibernate and I'll I'll get myself down but then what happens is the next day I'll go right James just hustle again because what it does is stops the demons it stops these loud voices in my mind the voices are still there they're just not as loud when I'm as active and keep trying to push forward that do we all know the answers in life I genuinely don't know and always say there are some podcasts there's not really a blueprint and manual how we should really be living life as a human being we're all kind of confused we're all kind of wired up where we don't genuinely know what created us what put us here we can all have different opinions and I'll listen to everybody's opinion on religion whether they believe whether they don't believe if there's 4,000 gods 5,000 gods are 4,000 different religions who says what's right who says what one is right I just I genuinely don't know but for me is to is to question everything and take an understanding of people but I've interviewed enough people with dark stories with positive stories to understand nobody knows what the fuck is going on but just all kind of just trying to get through life from I know I can ramble a bit here but it's just I'm not daft I see things as well I feel things I've got a good energy I've got a good intuition my soul's as clean as it can be just now I believe in something in turn though what keeps us going in life but all this stuff that you went through then your dad look how was the other brothers and sisters on your house I was the only girl so you were on the ghetto what about the boys how were they treated they were treated really well but you see I thought I used to get happy when my mother was holding my brother hugging him when they were being celebrated I was happy for them because my way of loving or understanding of love was that other people deserve love that I don't so I was happy when I was cooking for them because I would do my best to extend my love through that so giving love was me that's what I've always been about giving that love I just didn't understand that I always was love until now what about your mum like when you when you moved out and stuff were you still in contact with your mum and dad no my culture once you're married you had nothing to do with your family so I didn't speak to them before do you believe that's a culture I believe it's the way of life they believe is the right way it's like I always say to people it's like if you ask me to build a house I haven't got a clue I can try and do it I can try my best but I'm not a builder so I will do it to the best of my knowledge so somebody else might come along and say why did you do this and why did you mix you know you didn't mix the cement right and I'll be like well that's what I thought it was the right way so I've done I've used what tools I've got to do the best job I'm not condoning their behaviour I'm not saying it's right because it's definitely not but I believe they did what they knew and it's not right but it's what they were doing and I'm sure that it was done to other girls because I knew the other girls in the community I knew they were treated as badly as I was I don't know about sexual abuse because no one talks about it in my culture especially it's a very taboo subject and people perceive you to be dirty if you do talk about it but I don't see myself as dirty I see myself as very clean I know that the hands that are dirty are my fathers foremost what about your father-in-law was he raping you as well yeah he was very sadistic with his rapes it was very you know he would do certain things that were very difficult especially with me being so young I found it very difficult to be around him is he still alive are they all still alive yeah how does that then play in your mind that they're all still living that would there ever be convictions of these people a kid in Scotland raped a 13 year old girl in a park good community service but how is that possible so I've spoken at Scotland Yard I'm going back there shortly I've spoken over numerous political places like parliament and things to tell them that they're not doing anything that they put up a poster saying if you're suffering from domestic violence come forward and then they're telling you you don't have enough evidence to press charges I have gone to the Crown prosecution with my complaint I guess against my parents against my ex-partner against my father-in-law and this family and I've been told very much so that nothing can be done so now I still want justice because I deserve that you know and I'm doing what I need to do to get it and speaking about it and helping other people that is using your pain and trauma as a as a positive and that's the hard thing it's difficult I've told this story over a hundred times now and I was saying the other day it's like opening a wound you literally reopen it reopen it reopen it but through that pain somehow the message gets across to people they connect with it they know that it's real they feel it and it might not even be the same kind of pain they just know that it's real so they come forward and one of my videos went viral I sent it to you and I think it's on 21 million and that was my 97th attempt to get this message of these things exist let's try to bring them to an end for gender-based violence you know let's not have every human should for me have basic human rights they should be loved they should be born to be free and when that got that attention I had and now up to date I think I've got nine and a half thousand messages from people not well wishers they're extra these are messages saying I don't know what to do your story is my story have men come forward saying I feel like I want to just kill myself because I can't get over what happened to me when I was a young boy or my mum and dad used to argue a lot with domestic violence because I suffered that too so messages are really really important it's really important to keep it as it is not to fabricate it not to almost shrink it either because my trauma is not your trauma but it's pain whichever way you look at it yeah and we all struggle with everybody's got different levels of trauma but trauma is still trauma you can have the smallest bit of trauma and still end up an addict still end up suicidal that you've got that's the high end of it that's the worst thing for me imagine it's a father to do that to his child for many years at the start I probably wasn't the best dad but that's because I wasn't there that's because I decided the part that I take drinking drugs because I wanted to try and act like the big man but really I was a weak man I was scared I was vulnerable I didn't know how to be who I am now and now I believe I'm the great dad I do everything now I do everything for my kids there's a selfish part of it I do everything for myself and that's okay because you've got to look after yourself because the bottom line is nobody really takes your hand to try and give you the life that you want you need to go and get it yourself no matter what's fucking going on up here but so how long did this last then in that marriage how long did this go on abuse it went on for four years I ended up going to work one day I decided I wasn't going home because the police were turning up around my area and it was not a nice part of Leicester because that's where I'm from originally and they were turning up because brides were being burnt and it was a burning bride thing in the 90s which is very well known around the UK and Scotland where mother and father in laws would pour petrol over a girl a bride set her on fire and then say that she'd committed suicide because she was giving birth to a girl and they didn't want girls so they thought she was a girl making machine so they would go kill her and then bring somebody else in or get somebody else married to their son and hope that he would have an heir he would have a boy and I was paranoid of fire I just felt it was my turn coming up because I hadn't had a child I was starting to push my father in law off me as opposed to just allowing him to do things because I was repulsed by him you know I didn't want that yeah that's stuff burning kids and rating people that ain't culture that's psychotic fucking madness that's every one of these men should be hung in front of everybody and made an example of we should bring back the death penalty for rapists because what happens is they can't change their mindset their mindset is too far gone there's one in every fairies get pedophile tendencies one in every street and all the stuff that gets took out and so on that small percentage that get convicted and if they do get convicted they're either getting community service or 12-1 from straight back out in the streets to convict again and to do bad stuff again that the thing is Russia where are people believing what's happening with wars I don't know I'm not that way inclined but Russia for your pedophile we get life in prison Australia you get your passport and your driving license took off and you can't change your name in the UK you can change your name for less than 20 quid you can go and work in a different school you can go and work in hospitals because the system doesn't then check if you've changed your name you can get a different driver license different passport for less than 20 quid like the system here is fucked the system protects pedophiles pedophiles that's because the people the majority are elite are pedophiles themselves because politicians they've been caught again with a young boy but that's what politicians do right oh the person from church was caught raping a young but that's what they do right and we as a society in the UK say well that's just the way they are we don't stand up and say but this is wrong let's make a change because we're quite spineless we don't like to you know we're very proper and we don't like to cause a bit of a problem because it's seen as a problem I'm seen as a problem which is why I take security around with me because I have numerous death threats from the Middle East from people in the UK from people in Asia because I say it as I see it and why shouldn't I because I'm being honest yeah you become a target and end of the day we don't know what everybody's purpose is to this life my job is just to let people tell their story but I have opinions on certain things that you become a threat if I speak out as highly as I can I become a threat my voice is heard through millions of people each month of course I become a threat I'll never back down or lie down because I believe in what I speak is what is the fucking right thing you look at Jill Dando apparently she was murdered because she was going to release a documentary on high profile names you know what I mean look you get the Philip Scofield now these brothers just became fucking convicted pedophile Philip Scofield there's rumors about the T-boy as well and he came out gay after 30 years and everybody's applauding him what about his fucking wife who was lying to for 30 years what about the lies and the deceit and all the other bullshit like the thing is about the mainstream media and especially BBC we can talk about the statue outside where it was created by a pedophile why is that statue still there like it's a known pedophile who made that statue the thing is you go Jimmy Saville you go Epstein it goes so dark and with these high profile men they've got so much money money's not an object no money's not a thing to them there's no meaning to it so what do they do you can go down the satanic route as well where you can really look into the dark shit with the drink and blood the adrenochrome like there's so much shit you know I don't have all the answers to it I've never seen that I just hear people talking about it it can be a bit far-fetched so you think they're crazy but it's the ones who crazy are fucking telling the truth and lies so when you decided to go and off's enough where did you get the strength from to then I believed my friend at work I believed what she was saying was true I was very and she know everything that was going on no but she knew that I was in a bit of a dangerous position because of the way I would turn up at work and I believed when she said that if you go home your parents would love you because that's what I wanted to hear sometimes we just want to hear somebody say what we're thinking or we're wishing and when I went home that day to my parents I really thought they were going to pull me in and love me and say you know you're 21 it's okay now and people say why did you go back is the same place that you were raped same place that you were treated badly as a child same people that didn't care about you will see for four years why would you go back there I don't even know the answer to that because I just had this ideology in my head and I was a bit away with the fairies anyway in the sense of in my dream world in my little head I wanted my mom to look after me and brush my hair like she should have done when I was a child my father to hold me and say he's going to protect me and I just ended up doing the wrong thing but I didn't know it until I was already there trauma bonding it's just what you know isn't it it's all I knew and I was so obsessed like they had created this person this young child because I was still a child even at 21 I was very naive I understood about how the community thought if I went anywhere else the community would completely cut my parents off they would be looked on really badly so I felt I would say face if I did go back there and I could explain to them and maybe they would actually listen to me I had this thing in my head that I had to go back there because being there was a lot better than being where I was and I had no other options at that point did you ever know your mom's not playing in not really but her side of the family have actually reached out to me in a loving way I decide not to speak to anybody because I don't want that connection anymore are you still afraid towards your father still alive yeah he's still threatening to kill me beheading is the highest form of retaining honour and he and my brothers are well one of my brothers have said how can they call it an honour killing no it's not nothing not but honour in harming a woman harming a child harming and killing someone it's the most weakest form of anything on this planet that where does the word honour come from I don't understand that no my Ted talks called there is no honour in killing because there isn't you know the two words don't go together but I'm not to say because I'm not that person I'm not them but it's wrong which is why I'm trying to raise awareness and I am raising yeah keep going man and anything I can help with I'll always have your back the thing about honour killing is it's just a glorified word for attempted murder or murder but you get lesser of a sentence because culturally they take into consideration that the person's culture is taken apart in their decision to harm that person and my point to the police is that's a load of rubbish because they've tried to kill that person with the means to kill them that's their intention their intention isn't to harm them it's actually to kill them my my attempted honour killing was with the intention to kill and so if somebody does an honour killing then what's their sentence it's not life it's not murder it's not the same and what about if it happens in India or Pakistan nobody does anything if it happens in India which is why so many girls get taken out of school and disappear to India and they you get told well she's gone to live with her auntie and you know there was a big hoo-ha where all these charities which I don't really believe in were saying you know it's great we've got the age change now in the UK you can't get married until you're 18 but they're just going to find another way they're going to send the girls away and I've had one recently come to me to my non-profit say to me I'm 15 they're trying to marry me to my cousin I don't want to get married to my cousin and I'm 15 I just want to be a midwife and luckily I helped her to escape and now she's with a foster family looking after her 100 miles over 100 miles away from where she was but the thing is she would have been sent to where she was being sent to moments so which part of the world it was married forced to have children and brought back when she's 20 because they want to live in the British society they want to live in a different country not where they are because they can probably make more money possibly but the point is she would have disappeared and come back and then even then the British government are not going to say hold on a minute so you're the mother and you would have had this child at this age that's wrong they're not bothered I don't care what anybody says they do not care what about arranged marriages like what's the ages all around the world I don't think Nigeria or maybe Iran is very young yeah like UK is 16 but how can still people still get married here younger UK's just changed to 18 has just changed as a law that's gone through but with Nigeria it's 12 Zimbabwe it's 12 I work with two non-profits because I don't believe in doing things ourselves we can't make that much of a change but if we support one another because it's not about me it's not about my ego it's about actually doing something that's of worthwhile to save others so I work with a place in Zimbabwe we keep girls in education the reason the parents marry them off there is because they simply can't afford the education because you have to pay for it so after 12 they have to pay so what they do is they somebody will come along and say I'll take your daughter and I'll give you two goats which is a true I mean I've interviewed the woman that set up the non-profit and her grandfather had bought a 12 year old for two goats and when she came they were like hold on a minute how can we call a grandmother we're 12 and she's 12 that doesn't make sense to us but by retaining them in education we then get them educated they'll go work at a bank or in an office and they then look after the next girl the next girl and we change that cycle so there is slow change but for me it's not quick enough but it's barbaric to think that a 12 year old could be forced into marriage I think younger as well what does it mean you see these old men with young braids like where is this a lot of them are in the Middle East the Middle East in countries like Afghanistan and those sort of places where they marry at six they'll take a bride at six but a lot of the ones you'll never find because I was never a statistic and people like to work on statistics but statistics are unrealistic so those girls you'll never hear about them because a lot of them would have died in childbirth how bad does the honor killings and what possesses something foreign on a killing but it's the things that someone has to do wrong and they're named to then kill their daughter is it majority of women are the honor killings of course are old women mainly women there have been some case in Turkey where boys have come out that their sexual orientation is not straight so they've been killed for that reason for me it was because I was leaving an arranged marriage and I hadn't birthed a child and that I'd come back to my parents so they tried to kill me because of that it could be just because of what I'm wearing today it could be because my hair's down it's not tied back it could be because somebody's showing an arm where you know they don't like wearing sleeveless clothes or that I might be seen as flotatious with you you know somebody could see the both of us together in a photo and that's not acceptable so she should be killed because she's bringing shame to us it's all about what other people think this is the worst thing it's about everyone else not what you yourself think is how you're perceived by the outside world by the people in your community but what about your dad well who was the sexual do you are speaking about one of the videos like who was that your your sister or your cousin who was that about one of Karen yeah so um sorry I became homeless in 2015 so we're jumping forward I became homeless because of domestic violence my ex-partner tried to kill both me and my younger son and the police came to find me I was given a refuge I guess by a Christian lady I know you don't believe in religion too much but she's a sincere person and I think just touching on religion I've read every text book that constructs itself is a religious text what I have taken from that is it gives you almost like a cheat guide of how you should live as a good person but it's not the religion that you should be following it's a way of life and for me my way of life is to be of service to others to extend love not to ignore people to actually listen to people as opposed to just talk at them and just to be a good human being so that that can be a catalyst for someone else to follow my suit she took me in because I was homeless as I said and the police came to talk to me and I thought it was my ex-partner making something up that I'd stolen something from him because the police were quite rubbish when it came to my situation and they said they needed a character reference and I said a character reference for who and it was a lady policewoman and she said well we've just come back from India and I said why did she go to India what's this got to do with me I said we need a character reference on your father there's a case against him for abduction and I was really confused because you can imagine I've gone through a real traumatic time of 23 years of domestic violence finally leave and suddenly I've got the police asking me about my father and I said well I actually had a problem with my father when I was 21 he tried to kill me and I did go to the police and she said well we're not here to talk about that we're here to talk about a six-year-old who's his daughter and suddenly I realised I had this six-year-old little sister that I knew nothing about and he had taken her because she was half Polish without the mum's knowledge and gone from here to Poland from Poland to Romania to somewhere else and ended up in India and left her in India this is what the police told me and all I could think about is how scared she must have been because I know how scared I was at 21 my father's a very violent man and my heart was breaking because by this time I've got my daughter my two sons I'm a mother myself and I was just I was just in hysterical tears and she said to me look we just need to know how he is how he treated you and I told her and I said why haven't you brought her back from wherever he's left her and the police said well you know we got there and we weren't allowed in the building and it made no sense to me and I said well tell me where it was but she said we can't tell you and I did find out you know over time I found out because I started to not deliberately but the way the universe is aligned it brings people into your life and I became aligned with two non-profits that were human trafficking non-profits they were helping people that had come out of human trafficking I got on board to help them with their mindsets because when you've been in a situation like I had been your brain washed to a certain degree like you said earlier and you don't know how to do the simplest things like go to the shop you know I've only just learned to go to shopping centers because I was never allowed I was kept in this bubble so I really got them so I started working with that non-profit and another non-profit in America who actually snatched children away from the traffickers especially around Super Bowl times and I asked them and I said you know my sister's been missing do you think it could be anything to do with human trafficking because when I googled where she could have been left because I was getting bits of information from left right and centre I realised it was a religious place that he'd left and now if you're a religious place or a religious school you're protected by the politics of that country so if you were to go there you're not allowed in because you're from a different country and I realised very quickly the pieces started to come together and to cut a long story short I realised he'd sold it to traffickers where they harvest organs and if they were weaker children they would sell them to the UAE the Middle East as servants as kitchen servants and I had this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach again that she wasn't here anymore but I kind of tried to be optimistic and I realised that she's one of many there are thousands of her that have been taken this way and sold for whatever reason and I couldn't not do anything about it so sorry she was the catalyst as to why I did my first talk which happened to just end up being a TED talk Yeah sorry to hear that like I know it must be difficult to speak about and open up these wounds but if you're speaking out then help so many because this will reach a lot of people so it's a case of sometimes the cars that you've been dealt is because you're the one that can play them do you know what I mean there's not a lot of people willing to be sitting here and you've got every right to fucking trying to end your life it's not the answer but you've got every excuse not just one but many like it's a mad, mad story where you think fucking hell that in the same as religion like I said I've got many Muslim brothers and sisters and they're the best people on the planet when I'm home when I'm in their house their mum their cooking it's unbelievable same as the Bible and I've done my homeless documentary and I used to go to meetings gambling and stuff and a lot of people turn to Christ and they're the best people ever who genuinely want to help people I genuinely believe as a human being we all look for guidance we want something to believe in and if you're believing in something and it's for the right reasons like I say the Quran and the Bible have got so many positives from it there's just a lot of dark shit in it as well where it doesn't really be spoke about enough if I'm honest we can speak about the positives but there's a lot of if the brain's a powerful tool you'll notice yourself that it absorbs anything that sees or hears and if you're constantly getting fed that information then it's going to be normal like the majority of rapes on this planet are from white men as well like it's I'm not saying religions to blame but if you go down the church route the amount of the billions they spend each year for the cover-ups of these pedophile priests and people it's just dark and like I say if you've got a religion I believe in something that seeks as well I love their beliefs and what they do for the people and but just for me it's to try and think for yourself but if you're looking for guidance and if you choose a religion and it's making you thrive in life and making you believe in something you've got higher power protecting you for me I believe there's a higher power out there I don't know where it is I don't believe in one thing I don't know what's created I don't know why we're here we've all kind of got our purposes in life but the stuff that you go then through like how do you then deal with that like all that how do you then deal with trust because obviously you've came here as well with like how how's your trust that how do you function come through all that shit how do you even talk to that man how do we even communicate what you seem on a level where you don't seem as phase like if I seen you walking by the street I would never think you've been through this shit you've been through and that's the important reason I've never judged about it it's covered but how do you then deal with trust and talking to men that's really strange that isn't it because half of my clients most of my clients 90% of them are men I feel I'm very maternal I know that I'm very I have this maternal energy that people always seem to feel better when they're around me and you know and I've been in situations where I mean my security's with me today where he's been with me and we've sat at a table and people I don't even know have just sat there and and they've forgotten that everybody else around them is there and they've just told me their deepest darkest secrets and what's really hurting them their traumas and they've almost zoned everybody else out because I'm there so I understand I have that ability to do that and to give people that safe space my safe space is within me I guess I didn't like me very much and I was forced to move from Leicestershire to where I live now which was over I think two to three hundred miles because the police said to me you know we can't stop your ex-partner trying to kill you again my parents started looking for me so it was a case of me having to up and leave and at the time I remember thinking I don't really want to do this everything I've known is the country I'm a country girl I don't want to go to a city I don't want to go somewhere where there's no green because I'm very much about grounding but I had to do it and it was actually when I moved that I because my son sons went through a lot as well with their trauma with mental health and one of them had tried to kill himself he'd actually got himself and one way sick it to America tried to buy a gun hotel room was booked for one day left me a suicide note and his brother a USB stick with lots of their memories from films and I'd got him back but I never got the right boy about the same boy because he changed but we're not the same people we were yesterday you know we change we progress he taught me a lot I have to admit he taught me that I didn't listen when he tried to speak to me he taught me that I never asked him how are you all I was thinking about was right we've gone from homeless to having enough money to rent a house now I've moved I need to get a sofa I need to get a TV but I never once stopped to say what's going on with you and often we just want to be heard we want to be seen we want to be present with that person and there's so many voices that kept coming at all of us you know people from social services I guess the pharmaceutical people throwing you know try and take this drug take that drug through the doctors to the point where there was too much noise and I said to everybody stop we're going to move I'm going to take him off the drugs he's going to just have nothing but love around him with some foundations and some rules that where he can't go past don't throw the plates don't do this but I'm going to leave him alone because there's that much going on in his head he can't hear himself and I did the same for myself I stood in the garden one day when I was grounding and I decided to switch the noise off which is difficult because from a young girl I've been told I'm ugly I'm fat I'm worth nothing but I said to myself who do you want to be again you know like talking to myself the way I do and I said Nina who do you want to be and I said I want to be tall so I told myself I was tall I said I am beautiful because I realized that I'd never hurt anyone I'd never done anything wrong to anybody in fact I'd done the opposite I'd gone way out of my way to make them feel good about themselves so I was goodness inside I was this energy that I had inside was just pure and my real name does mean pure but it's just a boy's name which is why I don't use it and I thought well what else do you want to be and I thought well don't overload yourself just take a few things but I started progressively to tell myself who I wanted to be and I unlearned 50 years because this happened when I was 50 50 years of being told a certain thing and I relearned what I wanted to feel how I wanted to be who I was and I started to discover things I went to play pool for the first time and I went against somebody thought it was really good I did things like I went to Tempin Bowl and hand them that I'd never been to Starbucks and my friend who was radio once said I'll take you so you know they called in the little cups and I just wanted to see my name on there and I was so excited I was jumping around like a little girl who was like this is embarrassing but for me it was the smallest things that I was finding pleasure in and I still am because I was never allowed to do them and I think as people we forget to actually acknowledge the little things and we forget that we get to decide nobody gets to tell us who we are no one gets to tell you who you are James you decide that but the other thing is I'm not a social media person never was I obviously follow it now but social media has been bombarding everybody of how to look like Kim Kardashian because that's the idealism of beauty or how to look like you know to be handsome you have to have a certain physique or you have to have a certain height or a look and I never thought anything of those things and I realized that people were stuck I'd never seen false eyelashes till I came to London on a train and I remember saying to somebody because I was working as a nanny I said I saw this girl she had really long lashes and I didn't know what to do but I was staring and I knew I shouldn't be staring but you know it was quite alien to me or I was the alien one or the other but I realized that my beauty was inside and it was always there so I was actually lucky because whatever I did on the outside was a bonus if I wanted to lose weight I could because it was my choice and I just discovered that life on the other side of fear was beautiful it was free there was freedom there was love and it was just a magical place to be and now I want to literally grab everyone and say come here I've got this amazing secret you know someone said what was your ideal job being it isn't really if I was a post lady with handing out letters to everyone saying this is how I see you but when you read it you actually read those words and you manifest them you make them a reality because you've said them out loud yeah and I think that's important for anybody that's struggling affirmations are a massive thing affirmations that helped me change my life I had like 30, 40 and I used to go for them every single morning I still go for them I change them every new year's eve because it's so important you can trick your brain your brain doesn't know what's real or what's fake so if you're getting told your shit you're not good enough you're a waster if you're getting told all that shit you're gonna believe it and that's the sad reality and some people don't find strength or don't ever get to that 50 years old standing in the garden need and I had it at 30 where I woke up something just they call it a spiritual awakening but again I always go back to the power of now that character fucking books saved my life I listened to the other books a boring bastard but I kept falling asleep but then it just it made me understand that everything I was thinking about the past the past brings fear, anxiety, depression and guilt I was stuck there I was stuck in a loop so how did you break the loop because what happens is you do something new consistently neurons in the brain which fire together wire together then create a new pattern and then create your subconscious mind to then be thinking differently and all these things do I still practice them every day? of course I don't because I'm too caught up more on hype sometimes more podcasts more attention like just stroke my ego because I don't feel good enough today I'll post a photo that people say oh you're doing amazing this and that I feel good but it's fake it's not really love I feel more alive when I'm doing cold water I'm in the mountains listen I love my kids I've got a dog my dogs I'm going home I'll probably drive home tonight or tomorrow morning I'm going home for my dog my kids will be I love my kids but my dog is they love I feel pure love with my dog they just there's no answering back it's just he's got my back I listen as much as I love my family the fucking pest as well that hard work family and relationships and all that and that's all I've ever wanted was a tight-knit family and when there's arguments or disagreements it's about communication because everybody there's no such thing as perfection we can strive for it doesn't exist because people need to realise beauty fame, money there's never enough I think often people get stuck in the trap wanting more more more yeah I'm fucking out sometimes and they don't see what you have now so if you become that person like myself right now what I've got I'm happy with I strive for more because I want to help more people but I don't forget to be grateful it's a huge thing you know I I shouldn't be alive I definitely shouldn't be alive and I know that but I remember speaking to somebody that you might know called Leo Mackenzie and he said to me once I think you train yourself like this as a young girl you must have trained yourself to let go because you have this ability just to let go and I've done that from a young age where I have not held on to things I don't hate my parents you know people don't understand that I don't hate anybody in my life I actually love them more because they need that love I forgive but I don't forget you don't forget these things they hurt you because you've been through them so how can you forget but I would I will consistently encourage people to let go of things because they're heavy and you get to carry this weight around and you don't need it you can be light and full of love like me if you just let it go and it doesn't serve you the lesson serves you if you take the lesson forward I've taken so many lessons forward and I look at my life and I think I've got 53 years of lessons maybe not the greatest lessons that other people would definitely not maybe make it through but how could I help the people I'm helping now how did you learn how to forgive I forgave as a child I was very forgiving because I didn't think I deserved anything better so maybe in that space of low self-esteem I forgave and I used to zone out a lot I was away with the clouds a lot of the time I would read books and take myself to magical places and I think that was a form of meditation in a way that I was able to do that you're creative it yeah but I've never hated anybody even after I left my ex-partner I wouldn't say anything bad about him until recently and people know that around me because I just didn't think it was very gracious to say something because it wasn't going to achieve anything I knew what he'd done my children knew what he'd done but why did I need to talk about it only until I realized the importance of speaking about domestic violence and some of the things he's done that created this almost warped sense of reality that I had because I was so scared all the time that I need to say that because there'll be another woman or a man out there that's also suffering from that and I've just helped a guy that lived in Canary Wharf in London who moved thousands of miles away because he was in a very dangerous relationship but he didn't see it until somebody from the outside like myself said that's not normal because when you're in it you don't see it you know you've been in relationships I'm sure James where people from the outside have said that's not a good relationship but you still carry on doing it maybe you feel like you owe it to that person or it's okay for now or things might change you know you almost make excuses for bad behavior but I understand the importance of standing in your truth it's the superpower to actually be standing and saying what's happened to you without feeling bad for it because we're taught to almost feel bad that we've been through certain things but everything that's happened has brought me to where I am now so I would never change it and I can reach out to a younger girl that's been attacked or raped or abused and I can empathize on a different level I can actually hear her the unspoken words I can hear when she does a certain gesture I'll recognize that movement because I was there once you know that girl that has maybe survived a non-killing I would recognize that too and I would understand somebody who's given birth to a son that's passed away because mine did you know I struggle with that still because it's not an easy thing to deal with but I wouldn't understand it had I not been there so I see my education as my life I didn't go to university but I have this amazing ability to be able to help people from what I've learnt How do you so for honours Kieran I'd like to touch on that like how bad is it for people to get an understanding of actually what goes on with it oh how bad is it in the UK first of all well I'm everything happened to me in the UK you know when I did go home that day they'd broken my arm my jaw and when I fell down they stamped on me damaged my hip but there wasn't literally one piece of skin that wasn't ripped or covered completely in blood from the attack and it was a really vicious attack you know they wanted to kill me and I remember my father having his foot on my throat really pressing down and I swear I left my body at that point because I felt nothing and I remember speaking to myself and saying that's it now and I was kind of happy if I'm being honest it was kind of like a nice warm good feeling but I remember someone saying not not yet and when I did go back I felt nothing at all and that happened in the UK in Leicester that people say well that happened in in 90s but not long ago about seven eight years ago my father you know was in prison because he had abducted my sister so the mindset doesn't change because they get away with it and they think they're above the law or the law actually doesn't do what they should be doing for these people like you said there should be a harsher harsher sentence I think too for all of these kind of abusive behaviors for them to stop otherwise they continue because they think they can get away with it What about all around the world how extreme is that like what's the how many one of the counts I've paid a year did I say Well North Africa has the highest number of honor killing statistically obviously I don't believe in statistics because I was never one and then we have Pakistan India and the Middle East but they are very common and they could be like I said over the silliest things what is known as silly to us I often have been kicked off Twitter LinkedIn all social media because I put things on that people don't want to see you know why one guy sent me a message saying do you have to put such disturbing posts on can I just ignore it because I had put a gen take that back I'd put on a guy holding his wife's severed head and it was a picture taken because now social media plays part of look look what he's done he's upheld the honor and he was parading this around the village with blood dripping from you know the bottom part of her head because he killed her because he felt she had looked at a man and just a look you know I remember my ex-partner saying to me sometimes you look you looked at that guy and I'd be thinking I didn't know there was a guy there you know I'm driving it was like you almost had to drive with blinkers on so people take things to the extreme and they are continuing to do it because they teach the younger generation that's the only way forward and until we educate the younger generation to be more compassionate that's why where I believe there will be a change to understand how to treat one another to be more compassionate with themselves too what do you think that as in men though the paranoia listen I used to do it when I was drinking and you're so just dark and your presence is that I was always a loud happy guy I took people pleasing but it never seen me when I was myself and lonely and depressed and then but soon as somebody's seen me when I was a big fake smile and I was all just the loudest man and the old saying as the loudest as the weakest and I was weak but what do you think that as in men it's not just Indian culture or Pakistan it's the majority of men is that because they don't feel secure in themselves that there's a possessive kind of controlling nature they call it maybe toxic masculinity like there's so many things you can talk about but I see it in a lot of men I've seen it in myself jealousy and just scared of my fault my issue was that I was too scared that I wasn't good enough so that's it that's the word good enough they would go with somebody else or the paranoia kicks in the jealousy the possessiveness but what do you think that as is that what you think it is that's it you hit the nail on the head good enough most of my clients come forward because they don't feel good enough and that's like a what though is a kid love or what and that's that that's lack of self belief and self love and people think self loves wish you wash you but it really isn't it's an empowering thing to love yourself so much that you don't care what anybody thinks of you I don't care what you think of me in that respect if you think I'm too fat or maybe too Indian you know I've been called too Indian before as well which makes me laugh but I've even I've even in the opposite been called to to English you know because of the way I speak apparently but I don't care I actually don't care so I'm happy being me completely 100% are there things I want to change about myself yeah a little bit but I can do something and I am doing something you know so I don't use the terminology I'm I'm I use the word yet so I add on the word yet to everything so I'm not the size I want to be yet but I don't say that I'm fat because I'm not I'm great I love myself and if you don't love me for who I am that's on you not me because that's something inside you it's your perception of what beauty or love should be and I think as a world we have forgotten how to love but going back to men most of my clients come forward because they don't feel good enough they just don't feel good enough and they have everybody around them coaching them they have everybody around them telling them what to eat telling them they can do this but when they get in that cage it's just them it's you against you so to speak so it's overcoming that understanding that believing in yourself that you are good enough that you are everything that everyone's told you because they're mirrors of you and they do put on a show we have faces I've written this in my book that I forgot to bring we have faces for the bank manager we have faces for podcasts different places and we do that because that's what we've been taught we've been taught that but the world is it's so fast paced there's so much technology from social media, radio, television you go back to schooling the girl I was talking about earlier listen everything's wrong even from the day of birth as soon as a woman gives birth she's lying in her back which is wrong we're born in artificial light which is wrong we cut the umbilical cord again which is wrong it's full of stem cells full of nutrients we're giving a name we're giving a date of birth we're giving a religion we're giving so much from birth as soon as we enter this earth it's all fucking backwards we're giving girls are taking injections for the pain but again it's not natural for a kid to come out drugged up we're giving them vaccines we're giving so much from birth is wrong and you wonder why we're fucked up at 40s and 50s and 60s and teenagers because there's so much confusion and we're getting taught sex education at school primary schools are teaching out we've got fucking drag queens reading story times leave the fucking kids alone man you wouldn't get kids going to strip joints it's 18 plus for a reason but for me it's it's nourishing it's love but it's hard because everything's competition I went to the biggest podcast in the world so I was in competition I always wanted to be the biggest yeah I've got a theory I've got a theory that we're all dead I've said this a few times people just look at me gone out but it's fine it's what I think it's how I believe I feel we're all dead and we're sent back here to this game and this is the game of life and this clue is all along the way game of life and if you stick to the rules which are the religious texts the good be good person you get to play snakes and ladders but they're going to throw things in they throw in filters people can't take a normal photo without a filter now because they don't like the way they look people's lowering everyone's self-esteem and their vibrational energy to a point where they don't know who they are and they become those little people that copy copy copy people will not say it's wrong to take drag queens into schools because they don't want the other parents or other people to look at them in a way that you know they might not look at them in a way that they feel good about themselves so they might feel picked on like we've said before you become a victim of other people's opinions you become that target but I reckon whoever these people are that are playing a game with us they put a few people in the mix like yourself like me maybe that have the ability to recognize the wrong and rights to tell the others and if you were standing at the front of it a large amount of people are standing at the back they would be covered with light but if you step away they would see the dark but they don't see it unless one of us steps away they think there's always light there but you and I have worked really hard we've battled with our demons we've danced with them to get to where we're going to get to nearly up those ladders they're still sliding down the snakes and they don't know any different because they believe you should look like Kim you should have hair extension you should put all this makeup on and they don't know that they don't need it because it's just a body suit that's taking us through this game of life what real life is is when we're set free from this body and our spirits can literally go from this place to another without even anything blocking it that's true freedom and everyone says well we are spiritual creatures yes we are and people say do you believe in God I'm God and the reason I say that is because if God has created everything and people hate it when I say this he created this table this microphone this jacket this hair so I'm an extension of him so I am God you are God but people won't get it because they only hear one part of the story they won't understand where I'm coming from but I believe if we all understood and we all kind of woke up and question things which is what we're taught not to do with the subliminal messages continuously coming coming coming like the colors of Ukraine like the colors of you know take your COVID jabs and the rest of it they're continuously in our faces but we know it but if we have to address it and we have to face up to it then we have to also understand things or not as we see them and that's an uncomfortable place to be knowing about the darkness of human trafficking is uncomfortable for people they don't want to know that so they'd rather pretend it doesn't happen it happened to my sister so I have to admit to it I have to do something because I'm not going to be part of a problem I want to be part of that solution yeah it's mad isn't it how the shit we go through in life I took drugs I sold drugs I've done a lot of bad but and then I look at the life now and I used to think that life was cool I thought it was cool to be sitting in parties for three four days fucking high on cocaine and alcohol and being loud and shouting and I thought that was cool and man that was normal for me and now I look back on it I don't feel sick I think I just think how fucking dirty was I how fucked up in my mind that I thought that was normal to sit in a house party talking shit talking about saving the world while high on drugs and alcohol while I was a father while I had kids do you know what I mean? I used to get my kids get a photo put it on the Facebook and people go hey good dad never seen them for four days because I was out partying but if you were talking about saving the world even in your subconscious state you knew there was more to it million percent I used to sit at parties and I think look at the fucking state of them I was one of them but I always knew I had a higher power I always knew I had higher greatness to be something special I had it from a very young age even playing football and everything that I'd done I always had a gift of something I was always just the best that without even trying I had such gifts but I never worked on my gift I never worked on the talent now I've found a passion what I'm good at how I can create stories how I can create patterns and how I can pull a story together from a conversation with no notes then people go wow I was gripped to that because why it's a rollercoaster of emotion is to show people that they ain't fucking alone and that's the thing about life why do you think we're here Nina? Oh I know why I'm here I completely know why I'm here I'm love I'm here to show the world that love is the highest form of emotion that you can have it's wealth it's actually almost like that winning lottery ticket that you can have but people as I said before the world have forgotten how to love we cross over the road if someone coughs near us we just don't extend that love you know when I came and he gave me a hug people don't do that anymore they don't know how they think it's weird if a woman and a man actually just show one another emotion we've kind of switched off to a point we cannot show emotion we feel it's a weakness and I've said a thousand times in my weakest times is when I actually found my strengths and for me to be able to give that much love to people is it's just the start for me I know that too you know with the amount of messages I get I could play them to you all day long but I have people saying to me you know when we saw your story we understood that I wasn't alone thank you for doing that thank you for speaking out against the culture thank men saying to me thank you for being as honest as you are because it made me realise that I was doing that I was the perpetrator and I say to them well you're not a perpetrator actually a criminal because if you would steal your wife's car you'd be a criminal if you do that to your wife you are a criminal look at it in a different way so with my message of hope and love I know that I'm going to be a catalyst with other people like I was saying and when we all come together I know the world would be a lot better place so how can things get put in place for changes because you know yourself the voices can be so soft sometimes it was not enough to then create change it's mad because the people who think they're running this world are in control of it there's very few of them the power of the people is standing up and that's what happens you see things in Paris Italy and people roaming the streets and sticking together and uniting creating change because how are they going to create change same as wars listen wars are murder it's all people dying murder for what for greed for power and yet we are fucking brainwashed enough to go wars at 16 and 18 listen my great grandparents thought in wars nothing but love and respect for them but again it's it's the conditioning of thinking it's normal who are you fighting for who are you fucking fighting for for what everybody dying young kids dying for what for people's greed for people's power the destruction from viruses and you can go so deep into life but what do you think it's created as what do you think is the creator and all those gods and those religions and all that but how can the heart function the central nervous system the spine our hair grows our nails how can we see smell touch feel taste that's not came in my opinion what's could something's created there's whatever avatars where the aliens are like you say we're in a game snakes and ladders so we're coming back reincarnation learn your lessons before you go at a better place because sometimes it feels amazing here I'll get little bursts of 10-20 seconds so not last long I feel fucking amazing and in the mind they'll go listen you dickhead you ain't gonna be feeling amazing today and it'll throw in a negative and that negative will ruin my day because it plays in my mind longer than the positive the less you care about what other people think the quicker you're gonna get to the top of that board game as a man knows difficult that I feel as if obviously what you've went through is there's no words to put in actually what you went through but as a man as the man actually when I was going home from London three weeks ago I got a train home and the boys said James English I said yes brother I gave them a huddle cuddled the boys started fucking crying I sat with them for an hour and a half I missed my train got a next one started crying like you say a hug powerful few hugs something for five seconds you'll feel the energy how are they in their guard drops instantly end up spitting to the boy your boys still in contact now and yeah he's doing good but men are struggling we don't know how to turn to we don't know how to speak and we do speak out nobody's listening and like I said earlier before the podcast everybody's a lot of people more people are speaking out now but sometimes I feel as if people use it as because it's popular oh yeah and that's the sad thing because if suicides at an all time high something's not right so people can speak out as much as they want but are we listening enough is there enough things in place for men to really open up and understand that you are good enough you can make changes but the girl I had on the podcast before you I says a lot of people struggle with mental health but a lot of them are drinking taking drugs overeating not exercising it's going to fuck your mental health even doing one of them smoking whatever pharmaceutical drugs like even tells you in the box in the pharmaceutical boxes like you go you still be suicidal for me over the years I've learnt cold water therapy raises the dopamine levels battles with anxiety the lower depression try to eat a bit better which like I said earlier I struggle with going over affirmations going over goals and the key element for me as well is having purpose I've got to put a purpose I've got to get up and drive because motivation doesn't exist I can listen to podcasts and motivational videos on YouTube and I feel great for 10 minutes but like I say that little negative photo kick in and I can be lazy but what do you think it is for men just now is why the fuck are we struggling I mean I've been giving free talks around London for three years why three because it means a lot to me it's mental health I speak about in young men both my sons have my youngest sons just come off the national register for suicide high-risk suicide register and my other son was self-harming and I didn't even know about it what was that checkers their father because they had watched me being treated really badly for 23 years my pillow was set to light when I was asleep my youngest son became homeless with me because of an attempted murder and this is another husband or the same one no because what happened is after the honor killing I ended up going back to my friends that I met at the office so to speak and he split it with his girlfriend and I ended up getting a and I ended up renting a room from him he ended up raping me got me drunk I never drank before in my life and I ended up having a daughter but in my culture mentally as I was programmed you stay with whoever you've had a child with so I stayed with him for 23 years and I ended up having four children one of them died because of his the way he treated me but the other three are here and amazing children were you pregnant I was pregnant I was eight months pregnant just coming up to full term and he pushed me down the stairs and when I got to the hospital he'd left me and when I did get to the hospital he Tyler died at birth there's my little boy but I know that he's around me I know that all the time that he's around me yeah but it's one of the hardest things I've had to deal with and I've had to deal with a lot but that's just something that I want me to and who was that guy who was his culture he was Nigerian it wasn't a love marriage it wasn't we weren't in love we never dated we didn't really I didn't understand about relationships and this is the problem if you come from a culture like wine you don't understand that someone's supposed to wine and dine you and look after you and take care of you and ask you how you want cook for you even sometimes you think you're this you're subservient to them so you're literally doing everything that for them but I was an entrepreneur I had created a lot of wealth and with that sometimes there's that greed isn't there that comes along and he was very greedy he wanted more and more and more so the more he wanted I would do more within terms of business but cut a long story short he'd try to kill us and my children struggled because they didn't understand why their father A would want to try and kill their own his own and just the way he was it was a very controlling scenario we weren't allowed to have friends our car was tracked the children couldn't have play dates they played professional football they were an academy for West Brom my elders had trials for Barcelona they both got into Barcelona they weren't allowed to go there was a lot going on you know but it was a case of not being allowed to do it but the boys just didn't understand and they couldn't deal with it but as I said from my experience when I decided my youngest wouldn't be on the drugs when he wouldn't be harassed by people asking him questions that weren't really leading anywhere I left him alone and I think when you shut off the world to a certain point and it's the negative voices that's what you need to do if someone out there is struggling especially a male they have to get rid of those negative voices that are still around them to get rid of them and we can be toxic even I can be toxic and I know it sometimes we all have that within us but to get rid of that person that's continuously toxic in their life is a fresh a breath air it's a case of you know freeing your mind and then you have to work on the past you don't have control of that you know that yourself you're not there anymore you're here you're right here with me but you're still sometimes going back there and forth and you're playing this game almost in yourself of back and forth it's like a two and fro thing but you get to decide you get to decide James gets to decide today I'm going to stay here I'm not that person but that person taught me so much I've got that wealth of knowledge now and you know finding a purpose like you said is a huge thing I gave my youngest son a purpose I said look I'm going to go into property I want you to help me this is what I want you to do he was on it he was reading everything he'd gone from playing games which I don't like because then mind numbing to actually reading and reading is huge it takes your way it's an escape in a way and and like you said you know the cold water therapy everyone's different so what might be good for me might not be good for you I do believe in psychedelics to a certain degree I haven't taken them myself but my eldest son the middle child he has taken some and it helps him and I think they tell you they're bad for you because actually they know they're good for you in certain controlled environments you know I think that's the key is having except on ayahuasca four years ago but I'm a control freak I fought against that they kept telling me to surrender I'm thinking I ain't fucking surrendering I'm fighting this fucker like that's what I've all I've done since the day I was born was fight angry not what I was I was a good kid man just guided wrong my mum and dad loved me man like they're great people and the more I've got older the more I realize how much they actually done from that rough area where I'm from is a place called porcelain it's one of the most deprived areas in the UK and there are so many great people they're all fucking lunatics prison, violence but it was normal then it just there was a way of life and obviously when you get older and you start having to digest everything and understanding it or a little bit fucked up past but I can be okay and I went to Costa Rica and that's plant medicine I bought into it because we're all wanting I feel as if it can be very culty as well so people need to be aware oh yeah it can be very culty a lot of people use this spiritual energy as if they're gods and there's more abuse and more shit happens there so I don't want to I don't want to be a faker I don't want to because I've been offered to sell fucking bitcoin and promote this CBD and this and that for me everything's in turn though because you can get to a higher state without ayahuasca without fucking MDMA without alcohol cigarettes the only thing it takes you to a higher state and that there's meditation meditation is a key for all the fucking pain if you're sitting in your own mind five minutes before bed five minutes when you get up the most crucial points of your life is the first hour and the last hour which are the most creative that's the first thing I do with my clients I teach them this real easy kind of guided meditation sometimes I record it for them as well and it's that escape you get to decide where you want to go today so where do you want to go I'm going to give you three doors so you choose what's on the other side of the door and it's almost like taking them into a place that they deserve and they have to learn to believe they deserve it I deserve the life that I'm building I deserve it and more and that's not arrogance there's a difference between arrogance I could sit in design and close and think very little of myself so I choose to decide what I want to wear for me not for you to judge me and when you get to that point it really does free you and for men I think it's harder because you're seen as the alpha you're seen as the person that's supposed to have it all under control and it's easy to get lost it's easy to get lost and keep faking it to the people that you're looking after that you're you want to sort of be that role model for but when you do switch and you find it that complete self-love it's a very calming place to be it's exceptionally calming it's just giving in and you said control you want to be in control because you're scared of what's on the other side of not being in control but if you were to allow yourself if you allowed yourself just to be you would find such peace yeah the thing is because everything I've done has got me this far and it's an element of being vulnerable and it's scary because I know how ruthless it is outside these doors and I don't want to be show vulnerability vulnerability is key if kids will see me vulnerable my dog will see me vulnerable the people who love me will see me vulnerable but you'll never see me crying in front of you but you'll see me cry alone if there's f***ing cameras in my room or whatever but you'll never see me because it's I've just got to get on with it everything I've created I've created through vision hard work belief nobody f***ing funded me nobody backed me they all laughed at me at the start nobody knew what a podcast was in Scotland five years ago I just had a such a drive of I need to focus on to something because when you have gambling and taking drugs and womenizing and everything that I was doing externally to fill an emptiness in me I needed to fill the void because I was lost I'm still lost I still don't know what the f*** I'm doing I just know what I'm doing now is working I know I've got plans and visions and I'll come up with goals and I'll write down my affirmations I'll write down my goals and every New Year's Eve I'll go over my goals from the year before and the majority of them 60, 70% of them are hit but it's unbelievable if writing stuff down and goals down how actually it becomes clear I think it's 50% or 60% more clear than the mind but like I say I'm still I still don't know what the f*** is going on and that's the beautiful thing about life I just know what I'm doing is the right reasons but you keep using the word I did this I've done this me it's never been about you who's that about it's just about us we are all one you know you're an extension of me I'm an extension of you I'm here because of you I'm you're here because you've invited me but we're here because of one another and when you stop seeing the outer is not part of you it just brings it all together it brings everything together that you understand that this whole thing is for you primarily but you don't have to fight it because it's there for you already you just need to take it you need to accept it it was a word surrender I didn't like as well surrender to me it feels like defeat you know what I mean words are so powerful but you know that already the words are the most powerful thing that we can discuss and talk about because we speak things into existence you think the world doesn't know if you're joking and I've got quite dark humor I'm always making jokes but I realized I was making jokes and I would say oh I just I want to have a laugh but I was doing it to deflect I was in pain you know what I mean it's difficult because I still swear I still wear my heart on my sleeve I'm still passionate about certain things I get it wrong sometimes I still get angry I still get pissed off somebody cuts me off the road I think and I cringe why am I getting angry well they've just stole my power Mike Tyson says it and somebody was talking to him and he says oh I had something on his podcast and the kid was saying if people are doing me wrong I just cut them off Mike Tyson says why he says because I just I don't want negative people in my life he says but then they've they own you and he says why he says because they've changed you yeah because you've allowed them that and that was powerful how did you get how did you end up getting away from the other I'm asking you then then I'm laughing because it's fucking yeah there's a lot more to my story you've not covered it really but um well I I was taken away by social services and then given it a place to live which was really disgusting because it had human feces smeared everywhere but that was my safe house apparently but I wasn't allowed to stay there because on paper I was a millionaire which I was because I had a lot of property I had several businesses running but I had not a penny to my name and I'd left with nothing just a coat um and the system let me down the system let me down I'd paid into the system so much so that I was let down so I had nothing so I became homeless with my younger son and then a lady as I said offered me a place to stay and I moved away I had to move away and when I did I rediscovered me and when I discovered me I everything just seemed to fall into place you know I understood there's no difference between you and I and I'm in the right places all the time because that's how my life is I stood I think in Canary Wharf it was and a whole load of people came around the corner they were UFC fighters I don't know who they were I was trying to get out of a fire engine because I'd climbed in because you know I'd had a few drinks and I'm playing this youthful person that I well I had didn't have a chance to be and I just wanted to be in the fire engine and the person that took me out was one of the heavyweight champions of the world and he took me out put me down and we started talking and I spent from 7 p.m. that night until 11 a.m. with about 15 of these fighters just talking and I was listening more than I was talking but the little I would say was a value I don't believe in just talking for the sake of it a lot of people do that because they're deflecting as you said earlier from how they're feeling but if I'm listening to what you're really asking me and sharing what I feel because a lot of coaches because there's a lot of life coaches out there as millions they don't tell you really what to do they almost play a game with you and I find it frustrating when people come to me they come to me in a lot of mental pain and these are big guys but they're in so much mental pain if I was to just ignore that and not give them any love then I'm not me so I will give them options this is what you can do or this is what you can do or this is what would you like how what's going to help you out of these things I've suggested and that's what I was doing all night and then one of them kept talking to me was at France at the time and he said to me I'm going to America soon I've been signed up as well blah blah blah and then it got to a point where he was winning a lot of his fights within seconds of actually getting into the cage and then he ended up employing me because I said I can't keep doing this for free I've got to find a job or something and he said I know I will pay you and he paid me a huge amount and I thought this is what I'm worth because he's my mirror he sees my value even if I didn't because we find it hard to ask for money sometimes which is difficult for people but you have to learn that if you don't ask you don't get a value you're worth and also yeah it's keeping that process of giving tape going you give me something and you take something the energy current too it is and if we block it block it block it that's when we cannot get further with what we're trying to achieve there's some of my clients left but I brought this thing out it's not selling okay well let's talk about it let's see why it's not selling what have you figured out with me that like I say UFC fighters I know a lot of boxers are just broken inside the constant trying to compete like combat sports is ruthless ruthless it's not barbaric in a way yes possibly but as men as well competition is good I believe it's healthy but we're just living in a society but then again I watched a video and the man who says feed them bread and water and they don't ask real questions because you're sitting sports events and people football is all people have in their life as well and that's kind of sad because there's a lot more to it but people can just be so focused on something that doesn't really benefit their life even for that small segment that might if there's a goal scorer but they're constantly looking for new signings new players and injuries and results and it's constant they've not got enough time to then concentrate on themself but I understand everything as a sport it is a game I'll watch it I played football for years I love it but it doesn't fulfill me just listen okay I'll maybe look at the result and then that's that I'm done but you can be brainwashed by sports as well why do actors get paid the most sports stars as well because they can they're making people wouldn't say busy but that it's not dumbing them down but it's keeping them occupied from what's really going on in the world because there's a lot more shit that we should be looking into oh yeah definitely you look at golfers and NBA stars are getting paid Ronaldo I think 400-500 million a year should one person be getting it again you've got to value your worth but look at the the homeless situation the abuse the suicide but we could be doing a lot more as individuals no doubt these people do so much for charity and I'm not just trying pick one person out but I feel as if there should be a lot more things that we could be discussing and focusing on but again that's just the way the world works but with the few seen and men where you've found that a connection that really makes them see the world differently I go back to the beginning with them I always do because with my own experience I come from a place of learnt behaviour myself so often you forget what you had to do to become that footballer you know you forget that journey and a lot of people only see your end result oh James is doing amazingly now look at him he's doing great Nina Nina's been Scott how does she get to be that public speaker that she's done great but they haven't seen the journey and often with sports people I respect them so much I always have done it's the journey that actually makes you as a person but you forget that so you're cutting weight you're you know you're training seven times a week you're making sure you've got the right diet you're getting enough sleep you're hitting the gym enough times and then you have the fight and you win and then what they can't even celebrate their win because suddenly is an emptiness that win lasts them that celebration lasts them maybe 10 minutes then they sit back in their changing room and they don't really know what to do because they've been hype hype hype hype but they forget about their own journey and it's acknowledging your journey acknowledging what you have gone through to get to that place and having that gratitude that we talked about that gratitude keeps you sane to a certain degree keeps you balanced there's a balance because otherwise it's very there's no balance and you've got to bring it back down and say to your right that's great I'm going to give myself self-care because I deserve it I've just been really battling with my own weight even because cutting weight when they have to cut weight it's really difficult for them I've been with people where they've cut weight they're really weak they go to get weighed up and then they're still not feeling right and I don't think it's very healthy either but it's just for them to acknowledge that they have been through that process to sort of say to themselves all right I'm really going to sit down and acknowledge it on that day I felt really bad but now I've won and to celebrate themselves because they don't celebrate themselves they're then told if you don't do this you're going to lose it yeah you've got to stay on it so you're going to stay on it yeah that's the that's the thing about combat sports and that's why you see boxers coming back at 50 because of something missing but it's not really it's just that reward system the dopamine levels of just skyrocketed when you're walking into a fight after that I remember I had a boxing fight nearly two years ago in Manchester front of thousands of people first fight I always liked to test myself and I didn't enjoy it until obviously after winning but then again it was a couple of minutes and then I went back to the hotel room myself I don't drink so everybody was out partying and I kind of not emotional but just thinking that's it done what now yeah and I ain't a fighter that's the common thing yeah I can handle myself but I'm not a combat where I'm giving my whole life to it but I just thought fucking hell look what I know if I load whatever is a dump gore do you see to move forward from any trauma you have to really acknowledge it as in you have to say it out loud you have to go back to that deep darkness because we have a habit of pushing things aside we shrink them and pretend they're not as bad as they are and I did that a lot with the rape I didn't admit it until not that long ago two years ago I think it was I admitted it to my best friend and I pretended it didn't happen because it was easier to deal with but to overcome the trauma especially for men whatever's bothering them they really have to acknowledge it whether they messed up in a relationship whether they're not at the place they want to be they have to actually say to themselves out loud okay I acknowledge that I messed up and how it feels they have to acknowledge and actually listen to themselves of how they're feeling not they don't have to have a conversation with anyone they don't need to lie about it or fake it and make it better than it is they just need to be truthful with themselves when you do that then you can move forward slowly it's a slow process but that's the only way you can move forward yeah that's the thing about trauma or pain like I said is that either become make either makes you a villain or a hero and the same thing when there's clouds coming like everybody's got different levels of trauma and pain but you look at the cows and the bulls the first thing when a storm comes the cows what do they do they run away they run away and hide but what does a bull do the bull runs towards the storm because I don't know if they run towards the storm it won't last as long same as your trauma and pain unless you face it you ain't going to fucking heal it you've got to face it to heal you've got to help put it face and it's so painful like you say it's easier to suppress it but 40 years later 50 years later it's always going to come ahead but that's why I think so many men are feeling the way they are and also it's the lack of support I don't think men are supported as much as they need people think they can do it without the support you know I'm thinking back to some of my clients and they've lost parents or they've lost a partner and they feel you know or they're surrounded by fake people they lack that support and that's the trust that you came to before you know I trust my judgment now when I don't feel right in a place I'll leave I don't need to explain often I'll go places and I'll just stand on my own I'm happy my own company and someone the other day said to me I went to an event and they said to me oh hi and they were quite aggressive and they were people from my culture it was a male and I said can you just leave my space please I don't feel bad about saying it I don't feel I had an attitude he probably did and he moved away he didn't understand me and he said something to somebody else and they were like that's Nina though you can't say that to me that's Nina you know and I was quite happy doing my own thing yeah you've got to protect your own space the same as I got offered to go to events and stuff I just don't go people say oh he's changed this and that you're fucking right I have changed I value me I value energy yeah and I just I can't get time for I don't mind being around people if they're having a couple of drinks I don't mind that but it's once they get past that two drinks they become more in your face they become more personal and ask that shit that they wouldn't ask when they're sober but yeah I'll walk anywhere with my head tilt like any fucking where I'll go into rooms like here today I'm here myself I'll go into houses and bill fast I'll go and do a podcast love a pill Manchester something criminals and I'll sit myself some of the rooms are five people ten people put my presence and my energy I always feel spiritually connected anyway nobody's ever gonna say anything because I'm not there to harm anybody but I'm always go confident and it's sad because the people who drink alcohol they always think they've got that extra but as after the big show but you speak to that person the next day alone or when they're sober and you'll see a totally different person you'll see a vulnerable person kind of scared and listen what about with alcohol when did you start drinking oh well my first experience of drink was when my ex-partner got me drunk and then I ended up having my daughter because he raped me I'm not really a big drinker I did go through a bout of drinking admittedly but it was to forget things it's a good escape man it's a good escape I did I remember it when things were really tough and I just moved into my home I actually started to realise what had happened in my life it was like a realisation a lot has happened you know a lot of trauma had happened and sometimes I would drink just to not feel like you said earlier because it's the a calming place but I've always been a meditator I've always meditated and I I don't drink as much maybe I do on occasions but meditation for me is crucial every night I unpack which a lot of people don't do they just lie down and they try to fall asleep but every night I have this this system where I physically see myself coming downstairs with a bin bag full of the things that I didn't particularly like that day and I tie the bin up and I pick pick the bin lid up and I throw it in the dustbin outside and then I go back upstairs and I physically see myself doing this and then I'm in my bed and then I'm calm and then I think of the nice things the sunshine the green bird that I saw flying by what was it you know I speak to myself always had this thing and I think that actually is a really good way of clearing everything from the day and starting a new a fresh day and most days I would say it's five out of seven days I jump out of bed and I say yes I do I'm really happy I get up and I'm like excited and it doesn't have to be that I'm going anywhere or seeing anyone obviously I'm a real person so I get emotional when some things have affected me too like family my children you know they they tend to affect me a lot fucking hell it's not easy being a parent it doesn't matter how much you work on yourself or how in Chunya no my daughter riles me up the most because she's the only girl who ever had me wrapped around her finger I know I see it and that's okay man but I try and be strict I'm a strict I'm gonna be honest that I'm a strict father yeah oh because I'm so protective I always have been with February but then my family I'm a protective I keep saying I'm gonna write a book called How I Fuck My Kids Life because I think I will because I did you know no one teaches you how to be a parent and even when you try your best there's something that's just not a good enough so I don't beat myself up anymore with them I know I'm doing my best but they kind of affect me emotionally they're the only ones that can do that otherwise nobody else can really affect my mood or how I feel I'm normally on a 10 out of 1 to 10 I'm normally there but that's because I choose to be when are you at your happiest? um I suppose we're not with my kids when are you at your loneliest? I'm not lonely when does that hit you though when? because we all have bad days no matter how much you work for us when I get a message coming through and I've had a lot of messages come through recently you know from people that need help last Sunday it was a low point because I had a nine-year-old girl sitting on my knee that had been trafficked she had been sold well no she had like a distant aunt that had brought her from Nigeria to Italy sold her into prostitution and then somehow somebody in a hospital had helped her get to the UK and she is now with a foster family and she was sitting on my knee that was heavy because I saw my own sister I saw lots of other girls and I feel helpless sometimes so sometimes I do get that feeling of not being able to do enough quick enough but I feel I'm a real person I feel someone else's pain so much it's almost you know really sort of tears me apart yeah they didn't puff yeah I don't really like terms or you know labels I don't like that but I have a heart I have a pure heart and I feel that so that was probably one of my lowest points just because I couldn't sort things out for her but that aspires me though to make more money because when I make more money I can help more people so I'm not trying to make money so I can have designer handbags so we don't care about them because a lot of them are made by people that are blood money in my opinion I'm not into that what I'm into is giving and helping as much as I can because as I keep saying my I'm a Sikh my parents are not practicing Sikhs admittedly a lot of the religious institutions are run by people who think culturally not the actual religion but the nice part of Sikhism is about love I like the Sikhs beliefs I say that you know because I know I do a lot for the homeless I worked in Badminton for a bit and the work that they done religiously it was not just going out once a week every day morning and in the night it's called we have a word it's called seva which means to be of service and that's why I think I believe I should be of not should I just it's the way of life for me to be of service to others yeah how does it sit in here today kind of going over a lot of things that does it bring back a lot of emotion because the brain will repeat like I said the other brain doesn't know what's real but it's fake so whatever you think about whether that emotion was tensed what years ago it releases a chemical to the pain and the emotion you felt that day that's how powerful the brain is like how does it go through everything today I've actually been really good today and I know my body god sitting over there I think she hasn't cried as much because sometimes I'm just I'm just very tearful it hurts you know it hurts to know that the person that was supposed to teach me to ride a bike didn't do that he raped me he hurt me he didn't protect me but then I say that you taught me how to love you taught me to love unconditionally so I'd rather take that lesson than that life skill from it but it hurts me you know I was once that victim yes I'm a survivor now but once I was there once I was that helpless girl and sometimes I look back at my own pictures and I don't understand it you know I have empathy I have that hurt for her my inner child but I know that she if I could go back to where I wouldn't change anything for her I would just tell her that eventually it's going to be all right just to be strong what about any girls that's watching it's maybe been through that struggle I don't know you don't know who's going to be watching as a listener into it yeah what advice would you have them how do they get help how do they reach out because like you say they're so programmed as well to think their disrespect and their whole family and beliefs but it's wrong to be raped it's wrong to be abused it's wrong to be getting beaten like what advice would you have for these people yeah I mean not even on the way here on public transport that I took there were two girls discussing whether the person that had beaten his partner was right to beat her because maybe there was mitigating circumstances that caused him to do that maybe he'd noticed you know that in his childhood so he was that now that abuser there is no there's no right reason for it if you are in a situation like that fear is so powerful it takes away your ability to think I have a non-profit call to end on a killings which I'm hopefully you'll put the link on which is open to anybody I'm not you know only doing this for women it's for men women anybody I have resources for legal aid I can you know I work with other non-profits and together I believe that we can make a change you know people have the power as you said earlier so if anyone's struggling out there and they just want to offload they can I have a group that I have I provide free mindset coaching to every month or every six weeks depending on my availability because I believe if I can help them to think differently then they will free themselves they're not just themselves they're children and they'll pass that on and then in six months or years time or three years time whatever the time period is they'll be the people sitting there helping other people so I'm creating this movement that's what I'm creating because I want that change yeah but you're on the right path and things that you're doing look how far you've come this is only the beginning of creating change I'm going to say I want to create change but first of all I still got a few things I still need to work on myself to then I'll be the finished article but to keep learning and educating and understanding I don't have all the answers sometimes I think I know everything sometimes I think I can save the world but sometimes and I said this before but sometimes I actually do talk and I think James you're really on it you really do know what you're talking about then I listen back and I think nah you're just a fucking psychopath you're trying to pretend and that's okay to pretend but I just want to be as true as I can be any day I'm still out for myself I've still got a business to run I still want to show people how to create a better life not necessarily money makes you who you are but if you're a good person you can enjoy your freedom you can enjoy defining things in life if you're not being too over arrogant or too poisonous if you know what I mean a lot of people out there think success and money and fame it defines them but it's an illusion nah I respect that because you're not being fake you know you're being completely honest yeah like nice things I want my farmhouse I want my animals I want the loving family and the dogs and everybody I always visualise the barbecues I'm a provider I'll provide and protect I want to get home, school my kids I want the loving missies who's the good meals and the cooking I'm not saying don't do this don't do that because I'm not I'm not saying don't drink and being like I don't drink I'll go work I'll go protect them I'll come home and just want family time I don't want the phones after five o'clock I want to read for her and now before I go over affirmations like I've we're on this path and this is the things that I've created and that's everything that took me 39 years but I'm getting there so everything I know that I've done in the past to what I'm doing now I've still got things I can work on I can still overwork be a bit aggressive sometimes but it's served me well that's for I think you see I'm sometimes tough on myself and I say you know I have to remind myself I was homeless literally six and a half years ago I had nothing not a penny not even clothes nothing but I sometimes feel I should have been a lot further than I am right now but I'm happier than I've ever been I'm full of this immense love and I've never had that before not from anyone because I was looking for it from my parents or from my partner or from someone whereas it never really existed anywhere else other than within me and it just took that minute to understand that it comes from within you and then you do attract those people I get 40 roughly 30 to 40 death threats every month but I also get five or six you know proposals which makes me laugh so it's just that case of you know you you attract it if you want it but it's you've got to start with yourself you really do the thing is man when you death threats now these are weekend of visuals I call them keyboard warriors but then but then having said this and I'm not told anyone this I went to an award ceremony the other day and I won one one of the year in parliament which was something congratulations and thank you yeah I still have to celebrate that I haven't got around to it but there was a woman that followed me around that day and you know when you get that inner feeling as I said that gut feeling and she followed me into the toilet to tell me that the cartel know who I am and I realized very quickly after just walking out that hold on did she just say that to me and yeah she was doing a lot of masonic signs and things on my table but I wasn't catching on and then later on I realized yeah okay because she sent me a note a nice message via Instagram encrypted but I know exactly what she's saying that we're watching you because the cartels very much involved with human trafficking it's a business for them they don't want me to be talking about it so there are a lot of big people a lot of powerful people to themselves that think they can harm somebody like myself but I'm just one of many and I believe I'm protected you're well protected and the thing is people think the gangsters are the people who aren't of you the man with his garnish face or maybe done 20, 30 years in prison the real gangsters are sitting in parliament with his suits on definitely making trillions of farmers who go in the street trafficking I'm not saying everybody in parliament there must be people who start off and they're trying to do good there's people in there trying to make change but you go down the route you start asking a question where's it all connected to what families it's connected to and you're kind to see all these clues and like I don't have all the answers to it I'm not in it to know it but I read it enough and I educate myself on a few things and I speak to a lot of high power for a lot of high high rank people on this planet where you can't get enough knowledge and information to go okay this world does control them if you speak out and you're losing them money of course they'll just take off the numbers it's easier but same as at trafficking it's such a it's a billion dollar industry definitely you like you can buy a kid for like you say two goats a dollar two dollars and they're getting their hat cut out they're livid their kidneys they're going to sold for hundreds of thousands in the black market where do you go forward for the future Nina like what's the plans so my plans are eventually I'll have a farmhouse but my farmhouse will be refuge for people literally for me to take them in because I just feel I'm full of love and I want to extend that to them as well because I never had it for them to bring their children but I see the future not just for myself it's the community that I'm building the movement as I said I'm building so that we can all go forward because I don't think it's just a one person thing so bringing other people forward and we're not all on the same time timelines you know you said to me you're not quite there yet I found myself when I was 50 you know so my timeline would have never happened when I was 20 but eventually we'll all catch up with each other and we'll be that light that people need as they say or whatever it is however you want to describe it but I just know I've got so much more to do it's little things like one of my clients he's Owen Roddy you might have heard of him he's Conor McGregor's strike coach he does his affirmations he said he didn't have time now he does his affirm he didn't have time to see his girls either he's such a great dad now he does them in the car dropping them to school with the girls and what a great gift that is and they're now taking it forward so those girls that he's got in the car saying the same affirmations they're going to take it forward and forward and stop that process of change that's that domino effect yeah pay it forward exactly so for me for me little things are happening all the time and I know they're all coming together but I do see myself as leading a huge movement of change yeah go on yeah I see that as well what about your book what's that about so I wrote a self-help book last year called master your life live the life of your dreams just because of all the mistakes I had made with money relationships family I did a bit about COVID just to question things you know ask yourself a question health and fitness because the healthier I am the better I feel the better I can do things more I can do so it was really all of my life skills put into one the common questions I get from men a lot of them and I put it all into one just as a self-help book yeah it's a bestseller so you can get it from amazon all my website takes you to amazon listen Nina for coming on and telling your story listen it's been unbelievable very proud of you how far you've come you're a beautiful woman who's doing yourself justice from the pain that you've learned from and keep growing from and try to do where in the world and that's all we can do is just try and be better than the fucking who we were yesterday but again there's so much distractions or there we can be distracted with so many things but it's about staying in the park staying true to you we're going to figure it all out maybe not but all we can do is try for anybody that's maybe caught and I've got too scared to speak out male or female what advice would you have for them I would say speaking is a huge thing it's a release if you can't tell somebody as you are then be anonymous about it but I would also say if you know somebody who's struggling go to them because often through helping someone else we heal and that's a great way of doing it also but you've got to speak about it you have to create a change to have a different reaction to what you know you've got to create something so I say to people do something today don't wait till tomorrow because we know it doesn't really it's just going to prolong the pain and I just want everyone out there to know that they do deserve love that they are doing the best that they can be doing with what they have and that if they feel that they're inadequate or they're not doing enough just to give themselves a bit of a break Nina wish you all the best for the future thank you again God bless you and take care thank you so much thank you