 Chapter 18 of Fuel of Fire, this is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Fuel of Fire by Ellen Thorny-Croft Fowler, Chapter 18, Wedding Bells. You came, then undiscovered landspring straightway into view. You took my light within your hands, and all things were made new. So you too have taken to yourself idols and made merry and have forgotten the living God, said Rufus Webb to Michael Arbuthnot one day when the vicar was calling upon his weird parishioner. No, Mr. Webb, I have done none of these things. I have merely believed God's statement that every good gift and every perfect gift is from him and have accepted such gifts accordingly. And do you think that he will permit his chosen servant and minister to put the love of women before the love of God? He will not have to permit it as far as I am concerned, replied Michael, with unruffled patience. And there is one thing he knows as well as, nay, better than I do, and that is that my love for a woman has taught me more than I ever learned before of his love for me. It is only by loving one another that we learn anything of God's love for us. Beware lest you are crying peace where there is no peace and are imagining vain things. I have imagined plenty of vain things in my time, goodness knows, but this one thing does not happen to be vain. Neither is it of my own imagining. I uphold that of all God's revelations of himself to sinful man, there is none that teaches us so much about him as our love for one another. How can our love for anything besides himself be reckoned as other than idolatry, asked Rufus? Because our love for each other is not separate from our love for him, but is a part of it just as the sparkle of a running brook does not detract from the glory of the sunshine but rather adds to it because they are really one and the same thing. Rufus merely shook his head and the vicar continued, besides loving another person with a deep and sincere love gives us so much larger views of God's love for us. When we feel how tender is our own love, how we would rather die than cause the beloved one pain and what we would sacrifice to ensure the loved one's happiness, all our petty doubts and questionings regarding God's dealings with us disappear. We know that we, faulty and imperfect as we are, are nevertheless incapable of leaving anything undone which would ensure the happiness of that one living creature. And is it conceivable that our love is a more perfect thing than God's love that he created being superior to himself? Nay, we rather see that as we are each capable of caring for one other human being and only one, so he is capable of caring for the whole human race. Otherwise, we should be greater than he and the clay cannot be greater than the potter who formed it. I fear you are comforting yourself with false doctrines, but the vicar stood firm, I think not, to my mind the medieval ascetics and the Puritans who in turn taught that human love was an evil thing did more than any other heretics in placing false barriers between man and God and in giving men incorrect ideas of him. I cannot agree with you, I only wish I could, but how can you still go cherishing these delusive dreams when you see the ruin which overtook that young man known to both of us who had great possessions and loved them too well? And Rufus pointed out of his window to where the ruins of Baxendale Hall gleamed red among the trees. He loved houses and lands more than God. I love my wife more than God, and it pleased God to take from each of us the desire of our eyes at a stroke, then learn the wisdom from our afflictions and take care that a like thing does not happen unto you for cursed it is he that puteth his trust in man and taketh man for his defense and his heart goeth from the Lord. I think, Mr. Web, you are unjust in saying that Baxendale loved his house and land inordinately. Personally, I never met a young man who, to my thinking, put so true a value upon worldly possessions. Like his father before him, he has one of the most refined natures I ever met with. The word gentleman, even in its most restricted and subtle sense, would always be descriptive of Lawrence Baxendale, and that most perfect and exhaustive portrait of a gentleman the fifteenth psalm is entirely applicable to him. Yet the wrath of God came upon him and burned down his house before his eyes. I admit that his house was burned down, Mr. Web, but speaking with all reverence, I do not see that the wrath of God had anything to do with it. I have no patience with people who put down to God's account the evils which most distinctly are wrought by man. Then do you deny that the burning of Baxendale was a judgment upon Lawrence Baxendale or rather a discipline necessary to the saving of his soul? Rufus Web's excitement, never much under control, was rapidly getting the better of him. He began to walk up and down the small room, thrusting his hands the while through his masses of unkempt hair. I do not believe it is anything of the kind, said the vicar, firmly, though I hold that all afflictions by whatever agency they may be wrought will do good to our souls if taken in a proper spirit. But I say that if any human being, whatever the motive may have been, set fire to Baxendale Hall on purpose, that human being was guilty of actual sin and ought to make confession of the same. No, no, no, not if Lawrence Baxendale's soul is saved thereby. It costs more than the burning of Baxendale Hall to redeem his soul. We must let that alone forever, and we have no right to do evil. That good may come, but it is not doing evil to burn the cursed thing. It is not doing evil to destroy false gods and to cut down their groves. It is doing evil to devote ourselves so exclusively to our brother's moat that we have no time for the extirpation of our own beings, said the vicar, rising to depart, for he knew that argument was worse than useless when Ruthless was as now in one of his fanatical moods. Good morning, Mr. Webb. Come up and have a chat with me at the vicarage whenever you feel inclined. And with that they parted. Nora, meanwhile, was holding a very different sort of conversation upon her prospects with Mrs. Candy, whom she had elected to go and see while Michael was calling upon Ruthless Webb. Good morning, Mrs. Candy. She began. I hope you are very well. Thank you, Ms. Nora. I am as well as could be expected seeing as I had to get up extra early this morning. Why was that? Because Candy's got a busy morning before him, killing a sheep. Oh, can he kill a sheep? How clever of him. Yes, Miss, he can kill a sheep, all right. Candy can. There isn't much that Candy can't do, but he doesn't get the pleasure out of it. He does out of killing a pig, and it's no use pretending he do. Of course, there are degrees of pleasure in everything. No two treats are quite the same. Said Nora, taking a seat upon a chair, which her hostess had just dusted with her apron for that purpose. And so you be a-going to be married before Miss Nancy, said Mrs. Candy, as soon as her visitor was seated. Well, to be sure it do seem the wrong way about for the youngest to be married first. I never could divide it. I was always so glad as my sister, Kiri, was safely married when Candy came according to me, as I wouldn't have married before her, her being 16 months older than me for anything. And yet it would have gone again the grain with me to give Candy the pass-by. Well, I'm very sorry, but I don't see how I can help it, said Nora penitently. And as you say, it is a mistake to give really nice men such as Mr. Arbuthnott and Mr. Candy, for instance, the pass-by. It is, Miss, and I will deceive you, and her that will not, when she may, tend to one dies an old maid, or else has to put up with a widower with a family. I'm sure I don't know what I should have done if I'd let Candy slip through my fingers. I have been the death of me, I doubt. Even now, I sometimes dream of Candy's married to Polly post-term, and I'm still in service at Overstrand, and it gives me such a turn you can't think. I'm sure it must. Yes, Miss, it'd be a fine thing for a woman to have a man of her own to make up her mind for her and keep her clear of fallows and the like. I don't, old women, keepin' single, I don't. They get all sorts of notions in their heads with no man to sweep away all the nonsense out of them. There was my aunt, my Hattabelle, as never was married, and she took it into her head to be an invalid, if you please, always enjoying. Some fresh complaint is no sensible folks who'd ever heard so much as the name of and drinkin' medicine by the gallon. But no husband would've stood such rubbish in quite right due. That is true, Mrs. Candy, men do keep us out of all sorts of silliness. Then there was my aunt, Hattabelle. She never married neither, but with her it didn't run to health. Rubbish, it took her in a religious way, and she joined the chapel folk. Well, there wasn't much harm in that, said Nora with a laugh. She might've found some worse mischief for her idle hands, or rather, her idle heart to do. But Mrs. Candy looked serious and sugar-hit. He don't hold with chapel folk, don't candy. He says as if Providence had meant folks to go to chapel instead of a church and every parish. And then chapel folk are always askin' for money, and what's the use of payin' for a chapel? He says, when you can get to church for nothin'. Oh, but he's a wonderful, clear way of puttin' things has candy. You certainly seem to find him very convincing, said Nora, driving. Oh, he's a wonderful, clear-headed candy has. I often wish they'd got him up in London, in the house of Parliament, when I read a bit of the papers and see what to and again work they make of it up there. He'd soon teach him what for wood candy. What side would he be on liberal or conservative? Oh, he wouldn't take sides. He don't hold with takin' sides, Candy, don't. He'd just put his foot down on all that to and again work, and he'd have his own way or nothin' at all. A, but he's a grand one for havin' his own way is candy. There's nothin' double-faced or reasonable about him. He don't hold with it. Then I don't expect he'd have consented to wait until your sister had been married first, suggested Nora. Not he, miss, not he replied his better half with pride. When Candy's aunts set his mind upon a thing you might as well try to turn the way of the wind as him. He ain't the shillie-challene sort as we'll listen to reason. Not he, so I was thankful as Carrie was safely wedded before Candy came accortin' me. And whom did Carrie marry? She married a man from our parts as a name of Parker. If when you marry you live all among your own people, it don't seem quite so bad. Said she, so she took up with Parker. She doesn't appear to have been as much in love as you were, Mrs. Candy, for you came far enough from home when you married. She was a miss and I'm the last to deceive you, but who could have thought she would be seeing as it was only Parker as she was a marrying? Parker was a decent man and a regular churchgoer with 22 shillings a week, but he wasn't Candy and is no use pretending as he was. Then you didn't mind coming such a long way from home like all women who are truly in love, nor was interested in the loves of all other women. Not with Candy, miss, I had gone to the very ends of the earth with him and yet till I see him, I'd never been 10 miles away from overseas and I'd dare not have gone as far as your armeth. No, not if you'd had crowned me, but Candy made all the difference. I understand that. I'll be bound, you do, miss, nor haven't been took that way yourself. Hey, but it's wonderful how a man do make all the difference. After aunt's tease come across your way, nothing ever looks the same again nor ever will. He seems to get into everything as you may say and to turn it all topsy-turvy. Nor laugh, you are not very complimentary to the man to say he turns things topsy-turvy. Bless you, miss, you don't think as it's topsy-turvy. It seems to you as if it was all topsy-turvy or four and that he's just turned in the right way up. Like a dream seems topsy-turvy and the awakening turns things the right way up, nor suggested. That's just it, miss, and you laugh at the dream when you remember how contrary it all was and I'll write everything is now that you are wide awake. Yes, Mrs. Candy falling in love is just like that. The past is the dream and this is the awakening and it seems to me miss as Diane will be like that too. It'll turn things topsy-turvy, I don't deny, but it'll be the right way up as it'll turn them and we shall laugh when we remember the topsy-turbiness of this world and wonder how we put up with it as contented as we did. I'm sure I want to know how I could bear myself before I met Candy. It seems as if there could have been nothing to do and nothing to think about and I don't doubt as we shall feel like that when we wake up and have a miss and see what beautiful things Providence has provided for us up there. But don't you often think it is strange that we haven't been told more about the next world and what it will be like, said Nora? Oh, don't you go worrying yourself about that? replied Mrs. Candy soothingly. It isn't done out of disagreeableness as you may say I feel sure. We aren't told more about it because we couldn't understand it if we were. My miss is the same in this world. If I'd been told when I was a little girl what happiness was the story for me in work and hard and hand and foot to make Candy comfortable and being ready to lay down my very life at his feet. If he wanted it, bless him. I shouldn't have known what there was a talking about. I thought that what I should want when I was grown up would be to have my own way and enjoy myself instead of which my happiness is in letting Candy have his own way and enjoy his self. But it would all have been Greek and Latin to me if they had told me that when I was a little girl and too young and soft to understand it and I hope that it's like that with the next world I do were too young and soft to understand it yet even if we were to be told so where would be the sense of telling us? Well, Mrs. Candy, I believe you are right and now I must be going, said Nora, rising from her seat. Good morning. Good morning to you, miss, and may you be as happy in your marriage as I've been in mine and I can't say nothing stronger than that. The gentry themselves could have been happier than Candy and I have been. I can't deny and sometimes I wish as the children had lived it would have been pretty to hear them call Candy Daddy and to see him a climb over his knees but the Lord knows best what is good for us so we must just submit ourselves to his hand maybe if they had lived they might have come between me and Candy and I couldn't have stood that. Thank you, Mrs. Candy, for all your good wishes and if only I make as excellent a wife as you have done I shall be quite content and so will the vicar or he ought to be. Bless you, miss, who could have helped being a good wife to such a husband as Candy, one in a hundred as I often tell him and when all's said and done, them as his husbands are happier than them as has none it's their work being an all-made miss Nora say what you will it's every woman's right to have a man of her own and them as has missed that has missed the best in this world where if you've got a man of your own there's always somebody to be sorry when you are sick and pleased when you are about and busy and there's always somebody to listen to what you say and to show you what a fool you was for saying and there's always somebody to find fault with all your little fads and yet to like you all the better for them mark my words miss Nora there's no love in the world like the love of the man who loves you as his own flesh and them as pretends that there is talks old maids nonsense they do Mrs. Candy I haven't patients with people who try to make out that parents and brothers and sisters can never make up to a woman for not having known what the love of a husband means well it don't whatever them old maids choose to say well I miss Nora when my first baby come and I've got the baby and Candy I felt as no lady in the land could be happier than me because you see there couldn't be anything better in the whole world than a husband like Candy and a little baby as well in fact it was too much happiness for this sinful world so the good Lord took the baby and is saving her up for me when I get to heaven yes miss I seize it all now as plain as plain Candy and the children was too much happiness for this life so the Lord is saving up the children for the next just as we don't let our children have all their cakes and toys on one day but we put some by till tomorrow and then Nora completed her farewells and went out into the lanes where she found her lover awaiting her early in October Michael Arbuthnot took Nora Burton as his wedded wife and great were the rejoicings and tightly accordingly the bridesmaids wore soft blue dresses the cover of Nancy's eyes and no one to see her could have guessed how heavy with crushed tears were those apparently laughing orbs Nancy really played her part very well just then and it was by no means an easy part to play to a proud woman the knowledge that her world regards her with pity is about as unpleasant a branch of instruction as she will ever have to master and Nancy was fully cognizant of that particular fact just then though people in general did not know exactly what had happened they were aware that Lawrence and Nancy had once walked and talked together and now they walked and talked together no longer and they drew their own conclusions accordingly which conclusions it must be admitted were not altogether wide of the mark as a rule the public blamed Lawrence as a fool for not taking the insurance money and marrying upon it for the fact that owing to malicious reports they declined to accept the compensation to which his loss entitled him had become public property by this time Nancy was quite aware of this there was not much that the young lady was not quite aware of but it is not a source of any solid comfort to a woman to know that her world condemns as a fool the man to whom she has given her life's devotion and yet do what she would she could not rid herself of her over-mastering love for Lawrence Baxendale she did not clutch her misery and make much of it as a more sentimental girl would have done on the contrary she hated it so much that she would have escaped from it at any price it was no pleasure to Nancy to be unhappy as it is to so many women success was her role in life and she sorely resented having to play a part sadly out of character with her preconceived notions of herself nevertheless go where she would and do what she could she was all the while conscious of an underlying homesickness for Lawrence which time did not cure nor diversion allay I want him so I want him so she kept saying to herself and nothing else in any way appeased that consuming need yet Nancy Burton was a girl whom other girls condemned as heartless and shallow in whom the world in general ended rather than pitied and laughed with rather than cried over so penetrating and foreseeing as a rule is the judgment of a woman's world and especially of her female friends but she bore herself with a brave front and no one noticed that she was gradually growing thinner and paler Lawrence would have noticed it fast enough if he had seen her he had tried to crush his love but he was not yet as blind as all that but he went with Lady Alicia to stay at his uncles soon after the burning of Baxendale and did not return until the middle of the winter he had been so sorely wounded by the gossip about himself and the cause of the fire that for a time life in the neighborhood of Baxendale was insupportable to his proud and sensitive spirit and Mr. and Mrs. Burton were so full of their second daughters affairs and the new life upon which she was entering that they did not give much attention to their elder for a while so Nancy faded away day by day and no one noticed no one knew one afternoon, not long after Nora's marriage Mrs. Fairfax and her daughter were sitting in their entrance hall as was their custom when the weather closed the veranda to them for a time and an ideal hall it was with its carved oak chimney corner and its archways hung with costly curtains and its walls lined with the portraits of dead and gone Fairfax's at no season of the year was Waze Hall without flowers flowers in the rooms and in the hall and on the staircase and in every available space when Muhammad could not go to the mountain the mountain came to Muhammad and Mrs. Fairfax could not go to her garden her garden came to her so that it was always spring inside Waze Hall whatever ridiculous tricks the weather might be playing outside Mrs. Fairfax had grasped the truth which so few gardeners seem able to master that a greenhouse is a means and not an end in the autumn and winter the flowers were born and bred in her numerous hot houses but that was merely for educational purposes as soon as they reached perfection they were brought at once into the hall and there made happier by their beauty and freshness the lives of Mrs. Fairfax and Faith and by always living with flowers these two women imbibed some of the nature of the flowers by which they were constantly surrounded the brightness and freshness of the plants entered into the human being and made them thereby better and truer women for time and for eternity my dear Mrs. Fairfax remarked after a few minutes silence apropos of nothing but her own meditations Lawrence Baxendale is a fool oh mother what a thing to say it's the truth and the whole truth and nothing but the truth Lawrence and his father were always fools nice well mannered lovable fools I will admit but still fools of the finest water the sort of fools whose folly is always getting between their own feet and tripping them up Faith's side yes I think poor Lawrence's mistakes always tell against himself more than against anyone so did his father's some people's omissions are always on the debtor side of the account and never on the creditor's side they forget what they owe to other people but never what other people owe to them but the Baxendale's are the very opposite of that their blunders invariably tell against themselves and their undertakings always seem to turn out badly somehow yes the gift of success was withheld when the fairies presided at the Baxendale christenings as a rule there are two means by which a man may attain success his own competence or the incompetence of his fellows but neither of these means has been of any use to the Baxendale men and yet they are splendid men in their way Mrs. Fairfax shrugged her still shapely shoulders I suppose they are cast in a somewhat heroic mode but they are the sort of men who always put their money on the wrong horse and identify themselves with the losing cause in the time of the Reformation the Baxendale's were Romanists in the time of the Commonwealth they were royalists in the days of the Georges they were Jacobites and I feel sure that in medieval times they were often nearly converted to ebraism by the frequent persecutions of the Jews but all that merely goes to prove their glorious courage and royalty faith like all very amiable people had a strong strain of obstinacy in her composition she goes to prove their stupidity Baxendale Hall like Oxford has always been the home of lost causes and impossible beliefs and personally I'd rather live in the homes of governing majorities and established churches it is more comfortable and less drafty but men must have their ideals mother and servants must have their beer but there is such a thing as beer money my dear child which does indeed often both more convenient and more profitable to all parties concerned and then the Baxendale's are also truthful and honorable persistent faith far too much so they tell you truths that you'd rather not hear personally I hate people who always tell you the truth who wants to hear the truth I'm sure I don't it is always so humbling and humility is the most depressing virtue out though all virtues are more or less lowering and less taken in very small quantities faith, smile, dear mother what things you say well I mean them at least I do now and then but the Baxendale trick of truth telling really does depress me and makes the perpetrators of it so unpopular too if you want people to be in love with you you must begin by making them in love with themselves and then the desired result will soon follow but few people have learned this elementary truth least of all the Baxendale's well still there are people who love even the Baxendale's my dear there are people who eat coal and slate pencil and enjoy them I never legislate for exceptions but I own I sometimes wonder if little Nancy Burton is one of the exceptions who love Lawrence Baxendale faith shook her head she may and does I think like him but it isn't in her to love anybody Nancy is a dear girl full of life and high spirits and is the most delightful companion I always feel that a sight of her is like a breath of mountain air on a stuffy day but hers is not a nature capable of deep affection yet faith had got over her love for Lawrence Baxendale and Nancy was slowly dying of it so do the saints of the earth sit in judgment upon their more human sisters well I hope you are right for any woman who loves Lawrence will find life a perpetual lint both as regards doctrines and dinners trust the Baxendale for finding out and alter on which to sacrifice himself and everybody belonging to him all the Baxendale's have keen noses for a sacrifice and then as I said before I can't stand their way of putting one out of love with one's self and the ex-beauty tossed her head in disgust faith was amused poor Lawrence seems to have annoyed you certain plain speaking I am accustomed to and can stand for instance no man ever went to another man's house without saying that the shrubs wanted thinning that there was too much window room prepared for plain speaking of that kind and nobody resents it but what I can't stand is when people show up all your little ignorances what does it matter whether a woman is ignorant or not as long as she has been good looking and is still well dressed yet Lawrence once quite corrected me for not knowing the difference between Addison and Pope as if there really was any difference that mattered it is a pity that Lawrence has so taken to heart the absurd gossip about his burning down his own house for it was very absurd set faith thoughtfully I should think it was and showed an utter absence of knowledge of the merits of the case as if any Baxendale would ever do anything either wrong or right that in any way redounded to his own advantage it isn't in the blood I wouldn't breathe a word to anyone but you mother but I always suspect poor old Rufus Webb of having set fire to the hall in a fit of religious frenzy though how he managed to do it from the upper story I can never concede he would imagine that by doing so he was saving Lawrence's soul I know you think so my dear but I don't think anything of the kind I have my own ideas as to how Baxendale Hall was fired faith looks surprised whoever do you suspect mother dear for goodness sake don't go repeating what I say and sending your mother to prison for libel and my impression is that no one did it on purpose then do you agree with Mrs. Candy that Lawrence himself did it by accident no my dear but I think that those terrorism little Burton boys did Mrs. Fairfax can never quite forgive any other woman for having born sons while she herself had only had a daughter oh mother how could Arthur and Ambrose have set fire to Baxendale Hall mischievous boys will find a way of doing anything that is troublesome and naughty I don't know how they did it but they did do it I have no doubt with their nasty bonfires and sacrifices and things I found them offering up a sacrifice one day in the lanes and it at once struck me how Baxendale had been burned but it is proved that the fire began from the inside and the boys couldn't get into a locked up house of faith they could do so as well as that red man could and you suspect him it is only an instinctive sort of a suspicion I cannot for the life of me see how he could do it much less how those little boys could they might have climbed through a window suggested Mrs. Fairfax but the windows were all shut and the shutters fastened then perhaps they stole the keys and let themselves in my dear I don't pretend to say how they did it but that those boys did do it I repeat I haven't the shutter of a doubt End of Chapter 18 Chapter 19 of Fuel of Fire This is a LibriVox recording All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain For more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org Fuel of Fire by Ellen Thorny-Crawf Fowler Chapter 19 Winter Days The dying year is covered oar with leaves and weeping nature for her children grieves The vicar and their bride went to Italy for their honeymoon and did not come back until the beginning of December On their return they found that winter had begun earlier than usual and also with unwanted severity even for England and that it was finding out all the delicate people and numbering them with an accuracy which would have put the strictest census paper to shame By this time Mr. and Mrs. Burton had discovered that all was not well with their elder daughter in spite of the apparently high spirits she so persistently maintained The same depressing conviction had also been born in upon Anthony and the trio were deeply concerned there at Not only was Nancy thinner and paler than she was at the time of Nora's wedding but the cold weather had endowed her with a hacking little cough which went through the hearts of those that loved her Nora and her husband were shocked to see the change that too short to them extraordinarily short months had wrought in the once radiant Nancy and Mrs. Arbot Nott seconded her parents fears that there was something very wrong indeed with her sister Nancy carried her head as high as ever and was as independent as of old of sympathy or pity but the vulpine gnawing must tell in the long run however great be the fortitude of the Spartan boy or his equivalent and it was getting near to the end of the run as far as Nancy's particular fox was concerned She had staked her all on one cast of the dice and had lost bereft of the one love of her life she was indeed bereft she simply could not live without Laurence Baxendale that was the long and the short of it some women are made after this pattern they not only put all their eggs into one basket a most unscientific mode of packing they also find it impossible to sustain life without an adequate supply of eggs eggs being absolutely indispensable to their existence hence when the one basket breaks down as those single baskets are so prone to do there is nothing left to keep the starving creatures alive heaven help such poor fond souls for earth is apt to be too hard for them it is but fair to add that Laurence himself had no idea how hardly things were going with Nancy if he had guessed that she was slowly dying for want of him nothing could have kept him away from her for underneath his somewhat strained scrupulousness the man was a true man and his love for Nancy was of the finest quality but he was so little of a coxcomb that the notion that a woman could die for love of him never once entered into his head and he would have scorned it as an absurdity had anyone suggested it to him there was another reason why he dared not yet return to Poplar Farm and that was his undying love for the said Nancy and his fear that if he were brought face to face with her again all his scruples would avail him nothing and he should once more take her into his heart and swear that he would never let her go and this he had definitely decided not to do for let other people say what they would Laurence was fully persuaded in his own mind that Baxendale Hall had been set on fire by one of the two persons either by his mother or by Nancy these were the only two except himself who had any motive for doing this thing these were the only two as far as he knew who had access to the keys of the front door and the library and the house had evidently been fired from the inside and from the upper story and these were the only two who had ever suggested that he himself might commit the crime this conclusion formed in his eyes an insurmountable barrier between himself and Nancy if Lady Alicia were guilty then his mother's shame was his and he had no right to ask any other woman to share his dishonor if on the contrary Nancy were guilty then he was ready to lay down his life to shield her good name but he was not altogether prepared to exchange it for his own Baxendale had not as yet gauged the overwhelming force of human love in general and of his own in particular but he had gauged it sufficiently not to want to be brought into contact with Miss Burton just then so he kept out of temptation's way there is no doubt that he was sorely to be pitied to feel certain that either one's mother or the woman whom one loves has been guilty of a dishonorable act of a crime in fact in the eyes of the law is not a conviction belonging to the peace of any man's soul even of the most callous and unscrupulous and Lawrence Baxendale was neither unscrupulous nor callous so that the bitterness of this conviction was to him as the very bitterness of death when the vicar and his wife were sitting at breakfast one morning not long after their return to deadly the maid brought in the card of Dr. Aerosmith one of the Silverhampton doctors can he want said Michael looking at the card let's have him in and ask him nor suggested it would be the simplest way of finding out just as opening one's letters is so much simpler than trying to guess from the postmark who they come from yet nearly everybody tries the latter method first shall we have him in here ask the victor doubtfully of course I want to hear what he has got to say but dearest the breakfast is all about that doesn't matter he must know that even clergyman eats sometimes especially as he is a doctor still darling he may not wish you to hear what he has got to say oh Michael what a fussy old maid you are I can't think what induced me to marry an old maid possibly because the old maid happened to fall in love with you suggested the vicar that must have been it nobody but old maids ever did fall in love with us worse luck Lawrence Baxendale is an older maid than you are a younger man I know but an older maid he fell in love with Nancy and I can't keep count of how many others have done it besides it seems an old maids trick that they fall into but what about Dr. Aerosmith Nora said the vicar again looking at the card I've told you go and bring him in here if you don't I shall have to fetch him myself Michael did as he was bid kissing his wife he was passed by her chair on his way to the door though how his wife's chair came between him and the door considering that his chair was just in front of that egress and his wife's at the other end of the room it is difficult to understand still it was only on a par with his having maintained in former days that the nearest way from the church to the vicarage at its case was by wayside a mile and a quarter distant evidently Mr. Abarthna had not the bump of locality many men especially young ones are similarly liking he was by no means peculiar as Nora had been him her husband brought Dr. Aerosmith at once into the dining room I'm so sorry to trouble the vicar thus early in the morning Mrs. Abarthna began the letter shaking hands with Nora but I am aware that a man called Rufus Webb is the parishioner of his and a remarkable man too yes replied Nora he is quite a character everybody knows him about here I hope you do not bring bad news of him added her husband I do Mr. Abarthna the very worst I feel that I could bring Webb has been knocked down and run over by a heavy dray and is now dying in Silverhampton hospital where he was taken immediately after the accident Nora's pretty eyes filled with tears oh how sad how dreadfully sad when did it happen yesterday afternoon at first we hope that we should pull him through but this morning it is quite evident that there is no hope of his recovery how came a dray to run over him asked the vicar the streets of Silverhampton are not generally so crowded especially in an afternoon that there need be any danger in crossing them he says he was so dizzy that he did not see the dray coming till it was upon him dizzy what made him dizzy a big strong man like that ought not to have been feeling dizzy said Nora was he ill do you think no Mrs. Abarthna he wasn't ill but I am afraid he was hungry and the doctor's voice was a little husky hungry crowd Michael Rufus Webb hungry I knew that he was poor but I had an idea that things were as bad with him as that he was dying of hunger said Dr. Aerosmith the vicar's lip trembled good heavens and I never knew what a blind fool I have been he has evidently been starving for some weeks continued the doctor and that is why he has no strength to rally from the accident a man in better condition would soon have recovered from such injuries as Mr. Webb has received but he is so sadly weakened by want of proper nourishment I might say by want of any nourishment that there is not the slightest chance of his recovery poor Mr. Webb poor poor Mr. Webb exclaimed Nora who was fairly crying by this time he cannot live many hours and as he particularly desires to see Mr. Abathnot I came at once to fetch your husband I gather that he has some sort of confession to make as he keeps saying that he cannot die with an unconfessed sin upon his soul the same thought flashed simultaneously through the minds of Michael and his wife as the same thought so often flashes simultaneously through the minds of two people who perfectly love and understand each other the thought that the mystery of the burning of Baxandale Hall was about to be solved and that at last Lawrence would feel himself free from any shadow of suspicion and be at liberty to take the money and marry Nancy and the thought filled them with joy for the sight of Nancy's pinched face upon which time was already beginning to write lines which told a sad story of faith disappointed and hope deferred and love unsatisfied was a sight which cut both the vicar and his wife to the heart but aloud they only said how grieved they were for Rufus Webb's misfortune and the vicar made himself ready with all speed to accompany Dr. Ira Smith to the hospital it is as much as we shall do to get there before he dies the doctor said God grant that I may be in time to hear his confession remember the vicar and Nora from her heart echoed her husband's prayer End of Chapter 19 Chapter 20 of Fuel of Fire this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org Fuel of Fire by Ellen Thorny Crawfowler Chapter 20 to what purpose it surely would have been but common sense to sell this ointment for 300 pence and give to those who cannot food afford say to what purpose was this waste oh Lord the vicar of Ted Lee and Dr. Ira Smith arrived at Silverhampton Hospital Rufus Webb's son had well and I gone down but he knew Michael and he venced a wish to speak to him alone so the doctor went away leaving the two together I'm so thankful you have come the sick man gasp I was afraid you would not arrive in time and I cannot die in peace until I have extracted a promise from you to do something for me I will do anything in my power for you Webb replied Michael Rufus drew a key from a ribbon which was tied around his neck this is the key of a tin box which you will find in my cottage at the ways promise me faithfully that you will burn the contents of that box that you will destroy them utterly and let them be consumed by the fire that may be quenched lest the fire that never can be quenched shall consume my own soul also I promise promise also that no one shall read the contents of that box save yourself and maybe your wife since those whom God has joined together man may not put a thunder I promise repeated the vicar I meant to burn them myself so that other men should not see my iniquity and glory in my shame but the God of vengeance has ordered it differently for he has ordained that what I have done in secret shall be proclaimed on the house tops and that which is hidden shall be made manifest I promise faithfully that I will burn whatever I find in that tin box and that no one shall ever look upon its contents save my wife and I an expression of peace stole over Webb's white face I knew I could trust you he murmured yes you knew you could trust me a mere sinful man such as yourself trust the God whose minister I am and why should you believe that the God you worship is inferior to his own priests I've served him and feared him with all my heart that may be but you have neither loved him nor trusted him and by your unbelief you have crucified him afresh the dying man lay silent for a few minutes with closed eyes then he opened them again and said I wonder if you are right and if I have misjudged him all these years I am sure of it and do you think he will pardon me that also in addition to my many other sins for I'm beginning to hope that there is mercy reserved even for me I am sure of it repeated the vicar although it is hard even for him to be misjudged by those whom he loves there are a few things harder there was another pause and then Rufus roused himself again and rambled on I have a sin on my conscience which I feign would confess I've made idols to myself with my own hands and worship then you will find them in the tin box have you nothing on your conscience also with regard to the burning of Baxondale Hall the vicar spoke very distinctly he saw that the time was growing short and he longed for Lawrence to be cleared by Rufus before Rufus died yes yes that it is I was so busy watching for letters to come and meet me but I forgot what I was saying she always meets me when I come home in the evening you know but tonight she is late and it is growing dark too ah there is her white dress among the poppies and there are so many poppies this year and they are so red so red red like crimson and white as as as war the vicar finished the sentence though your sins be red like crimson they shall be made white as war you know that web but Rufus was wondering yes the poppies are red see how red they are and let us dress is quite white white as her own sweet soul and the flames of Baxendale Hall are red too like tongues afar look how red Michael made another effort to recall the sick man's senses listen web answer me one question had you anything to do with the burning of Baxendale the fading intelligence flickered up again yes I had I saw that the young man's soul must be saved though so far as by fire and I prayed God day and night that he would send down fire from heaven to consume Baxendale Hall and the Lord who answered fire he was God but did you do more than pray for God's sake tell me this web for the happiness of many depends upon your answer the vicar was desperate it was so hard to get a sensible reply out of web in his present condition and it seemed cruel to press for one yet if web died without making confession how should he Michael ever face Nora and her sister again Nancy's life depended upon the matter at issue and Nancy's life must be saved if possible speak web the vicar urged did you do more than pray for the burning of Baxendale Hall yes but I could not enter the library you see where all Lawrence Baxendale's idols were set up as only he possessed the key web was fully conscious now yes go on tell me all quickly I prayed for an occasion and yet none came and you never had the chance of doing what you wished yes I understand get on for heaven's sake get on said Michael putting to the sick man's lips a cordial which the doctor had left with him in case it was needed the cordial did its work well and for a few moments the soul came back into Rufus web with a flash of its former fire and then the great mighty wind came and the Lord was not in the wind and the earth shook and quaked with all but the Lord was not in the earthquake and I stood before Baxendale Hall and saw it as a reed shaken in the wind and I prayed that the Lord would raise it even to the ground so that the soul of Lawrence Baxendale might be saved yes yes and what happened then my prayer was not answered the great and strong wind passed by and Baxendale Hall stood firm the next day there was a great calm and I stood before the Lord and prayed him again that Baxendale should be destroyed for Lawrence's sake and as I prayed I looked down to the ground and be held lying at my feet a bunch of keys among others the keys of the hall and the library and I said God has delivered the hall into my hand I will go in and do with it even as I will Michael's heart beat fast and he prayed that webs life might be spared until he had made a full confession and so you went into the house he prompted the dying man's eyes were bright with unnatural excitement it was the last flicker before the light went out no just as I was going to open the front door I heard a voice say in my ear what do us thou hear Rufus and I answered I have been very jealous for the Lord God of hosts because that children have forsaken thy covenant and torn down thy altars and have followed after false gods but now I will destroy their idols and cause their images to cease out of the land for a second Rufus struggle for breath and Michael's heart stood still for fear that even now web would die before his full confession was made but the unnatural exaltation still upheld him and he went on again then the voice said unto me son of man turn thee yet again think is thou that the Lord seeth not or that he had forsaken the earth to him belonging vengeance and recompense and it is he that killeth and he that maketh alive he alone can create and he alone can destroy neither is there any that can deliver out of his hand and when the voice had done speaking unto me I turned me away from Baxendale Hall for I knew that I was not counted worthy to save the soul of Lawrence Baxendale nor to offer up his dwelling place as a sacrifice to the Lord of hosts it is only clean hands that can offer up burnt offerings and mine were read with blood the blood of my own wife good heavens web do you mean to say that you did not set fire to that place after all nay the burning of Baxendale was not to my honor for the Lord delivered it into the hand of a woman how could you tell it was a woman and not a man that burned down the hall the vicar was now almost as much excited as Rufus web himself because the keys belong to a woman to a woman who had left the house just before I prepared to enter it and he had done there as she listed with none to hinder her or to make her afraid and blessed among women shall she be blessed shall she be above women in the tent for to her it was given to save the soul of Lawrence Baxendale and to burn his images with fire and to destroy the accursed things within his house Rufus fell back on his pillow exhausted and dr. Aerosmith came and stood behind a birth nut it is nearly over now he whispered Michael put his mouth close to the dying man's ear the name of the woman for heaven's sake tell me the name of the woman he entreated web's voice was so weak as to be scared the audible the name of the woman do you say there is but one woman's name in the whole world and that is lettuce my lettuce my wife see there she is coming to meet me through the field of poppies the red poppies don't you see her in her white dress and the little curls on her neck and the dimple in her cheek I knew she would come she never keeps me waiting look how the wind is blowing the little curls a cross but Rufus never finished the sentence on earth lettuce herself heard the end of it it is all over said the doctor softly Michael stood as a man stunned one thought and one only still possessed his mind and branded itself upon his very soul it must have been lady alicia he kept saying over and over again to himself it must have been lady alicia honor husband's return from silver Hampton Nora was bitterly disappointed to learn that not only had Rufus web not confessed to having burned down backs in Dale Hall it also confessed to not having done so therefore the mystery was as impenetrable as ever the vicar did not tell her or anybody else web's story about the keys and his conviction that it was a woman's hand that had actually done the deed Michael now felt no doubt in his own mind that lady alicia was the culprit since so far as he knew she was the only woman who had access to the keys of backs in Dale Hall but the discovery of her guilt would make matters worse instead of better for Lawrence no honorable man would touch money obtained by his own mother's crime and his misery would be increased tenfold if that mother were publicly convicted of arson so the vicar decided to lock up web's confession in his own breast and never reveal it to anybody the following day he and his wife went together to web's cottage at the ways and found there the tin box as Rufus had said save this one box there was hardly any furniture left in the house web had parted with almost everything he possessed in order to buy bread what do you think there is inside Nora whispered to her husband probably some relic of his dead wife but we will open it and see so they unlocked it wondering what pathetic little mysteries they should find there in to their surprise they found no love tokens only heaps of manuscripts all in web's own handwriting and to their still greater amazement they discovered that these were the manuscripts of unpublished novels at the top of the box was the following paper it is my intention to burn these manuscripts before I die so that my secret may perish with me and my sin be covered but if God in his justice sees fit to prevent this I solemnly abjure whosoever opens this box utterly to destroy his contents and to let not one escape may God forgive me my sin in writing them but they were so burned into my brain that I felt I must write them in spite of myself even though I knew I was denying the living God in so doing I believe my brain would have burst had not given expression to the ideas which consumed it nevertheless it would have been better for me to enter into life having stamped out the intellect which separated me from my God then with all my powers to be cast into hell where their worm dive not and their fire is not quenched I hold that novel writing and novel reading are heinous sins for whosoever loveth and maketh a lie shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone and I would rather die for lack of bread than earn money by such a means as this I will never endanger the souls of others by letting them read that which I in my folly have written but maybe I speak as a fool the mere writing of it may be forgiven me if the memorial of it perishes with me and it be destroyed forevermore signed Rufus Webb before burning them Michael and his wife read Webb's manuscripts as he had given them permission to do and they were astonished at the brilliance of the novels admirable in elegance of style mastery of delineation a character powerful in portrayal of feeling they bore the rare hallmark of genius and might have ranked have they been published among the greatest novels of the day when they had finished reading the books the vicar said that he must burn them at once Nora but sought him not to do so it seems a sin she said to burn books which might give pleasure to hundreds and thousands of people and do them a lot of good too besides winning fame for the author but Michael was as adamant can I break a promise made to a man who is dead he asked but Michael dear it seems such an awful pity that all that genius should be utterly wasted to what purpose is this waste is that what you would ask my Nora yes it is think what a great deal of money these manual scripts we fetched from any publisher and what a tremendous lot of good might be done with the money wouldn't it be better to found a hospital or an orphanage or something in memory of Mr. Webb than to keep a senseless promise which he extorted from you when probably he was delirious he wasn't delirious nor he was perfectly conscious when he asked me to make the promise and it is joined on the paper on the box but so much good might be done with the money persisted nor it might have been sold for three hundred pence and have been given to the poor quoted her husband nevertheless dear child I must keep my promise we have knew what he meant when he asked me to make it doesn't it strike you what it meant to him when you realize that he literally died of starvation rather than earn what he considered were the wages of sin though the source of considerable wealth lay in that nor began to cry poor poor Mr. Webb she saw it is all too sad to think about but he was a good man he was one of the saints of God said Michael gently but he never found it out I expect he is founded out by now I'm sure he has and then they burned the heap of manuscripts when the last scrap of paper had been consumed nor it said through her tears oh Michael how terrible it is to think that all that poor man's genius and strength and capacity for feeling were utterly wasted not wasted nor there is no such thing as waste in God's economy the following Sunday the vicar of Ted Lee preached a sermon on the success of failure from the text to what purpose is this waste he showed that feudal efforts disappointed hopes unrequited loves unfulfilled ideals unrealized ambitions misplaced trusts none of these are really wasted that it was only when the money had been spent and the alabaster of box broken in the spike nard had been spilled that the house was filled with the odor of the ointment people said that it was the best sermon he had ever preached but he said it was the best sermon that Rufus Webb had ever preached and perchance he was right all this time Lawrence Baxendale was keeping away from popular farm and Nancy was slowly dying for the want of him Anthony saw what was wrong with his favorite cousin and for a while held his peace upon the subject but after a bit silence was unendurable to him and he felt constrained to speak I say Nan he eerily remarked one day you don't seem in especially good spirits who could be in good spirits in such weather as this asked Nancy looking at the rain which was really running down the window I admit it would be difficult and then it would be only spirits in water by the way why don't our friend come back home again he has been away an unconscionable time Nancy's pale face flushed how can he come back to live among people who have said such word things about him my dear child sensitiveness as to the remarks of our neighbors is a sure symptom that our livers want attending to no healthy animal cares a wrap what its neighbors do or do not say about it therefore I should advise friend Baxendale to drown his woes in columnel and return to rest in the house of his fathers by which I mean the farm of his mother Nancy did not reply and there was silence for a moment then Anthony suddenly blurted out I say Nancy I wish you wouldn't fret after that brute he isn't worth it Nancy you really isn't I suppose nobody is really worth fretting about replied Nancy roofily when you come to that but that event you from doing it if you are that way inclined still I wish you wouldn't do it Nancy and especially about such a frig is Baxendale I know I'm an idiot for doing it nobody knows that better than I do but I can no more help fretting after Lawrence than I can help breathing and it is so unlike me to I used to enjoy things so and never to mind about anything but after he came into my life everything became different and now I can no more put him out of my life again then I can change my skin in my spots I can't take anything from the fellow the leopard and the Ethiopian confound the fellow said Anthony under his breath it is no use blaming him Tony he can no more help it than I can you are the last girl that I should have expected to sacrifice her life to a brute of a man after the fashion about sati and rot of that kind Nancy left a sad little laugh out of which all the merriment had faded I couldn't have sacrificed myself on a common altar not on an altar that I and inspector and license by the local authorities you know the Lawrence happened to be all that he is the best and the most honorable and the highest minded man I ever met therefore I couldn't help loving him nor could I ever leave it off when once I had begun I say then I wish you'd marry me and forget all that backs and dales stuff Nancy looked up in amazement Mary you Tony what an idea why I thought you were cut out to be an old bachelor the ancients remark called no man single till he is dead or words to that effect and they were intelligent people but Tony oh you needn't say you don't love me I know that well enough bless you but I don't mind admitting you to my confidence to the extent of confiding in you that I do love you little as your own conscience will tell you that you deserve such an honor and I think I could cure you of that old backs and dales rock if you'd let me try do let me try Nancy there's a darling Nancy sugar had no Tony I once gave myself heart and soul to Lawrence backs and dales and whether he values the gift or not I cannot take it back again I'm his for time and for eternity even if he doesn't know it confound him repeated Anthony and there is another reason why I couldn't marry you Tony even if I would can't you see that I'm dying and shall never marry anybody now rubbish said Tony roughly it isn't rubbish dear I am dying simply because I can't live without Lawrence just as other people died because they can't live without food or air or water and even in dying I only care about him I know it's wicked of me but the whole point of going to heaven at all seems to be that Lawrence will be there and that I shall walk in unending lanes with him through all eternity that is all I care for if the angels say to me when I get there as people say in banks how will you take it miss Burton I shall say one Lawrence backs and dales and the rest in lanes that's my idea of heaven and Nancy went out of the room shutting the door behind her confound the brute said Anthony under his breath once more only this time he did not use the word confound end of chapter 20 chapter 21 of fuel of fire this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org fuel of fire by Ellen Thorny Croft Fowler chapter 21 lady Alicia if a sin performed is worthy blame is sin intended just the same after the New Year came in the weather was so severe and Nancy so fragile that Mr. Miss Burton decided to take her to Mentone for a time in order to see what a warmer climate would do for their darling and simultaneously Lord and Lady Port Cullis with Lady Alicia Baxendale as their guest likewise found refuge from the ferocity of an English spring in the south of France on his relations departure from drawbridge castle Baxendale returned to popular farm which return occurred just a week before the Bertons fled on the wings of the winter wind they hoped the winter wind could not reach them poor Nancy never walked in the lanes now for to her they were as one huge green cemetery of buried hopes and joys and not being the kind of woman who haunts burying grounds she wisely avoided them there are some natures that cling to the last resting places of what they have loved in delight to plant flowers there watering these flowers with tears on the side of such sepulchreous arouses and who would therefore faint hide their dead away out of their sight and let them be as though they had never been God pity those bereaved hearts whose soul happiness lies in remembrance for their sorrow is indeed great but God help those more sorely afflicted ones whose soul happiness lies in forgetfulness for their misery is infinitely greater therefore it never came to pass that Lawrence met Nancy walking in the lanes as they used so often to meet in the happy far off days but on the Sunday he saw her face to face coming out of deadly church and the sight cut him to the heart what is that thin pale careworn woman his sunny little Nancy and was his the hand that had wiped the sunshine out of that bleached face and written sorrow in capital letters all over it as his heart went out silently in an agony of pity toward the girl he spoiled a wild hope to a cold of Lawrence that Nancy was innocent after all and his mother the real culprit he hated himself for wishing to prove his mother guilty he felt that such a wish was despicable in the extreme but he had never loved her as he had loved Nancy and therefore her possible wrongdoing did not wound him to the quick as Nancy's did he loved Lady Alicia so little that forgiveness toward her came easy to him he loved Nancy so much that he felt the sin of hers would be branded into his very soul and that nothing could wipe it out forever that his mother should be weighed in the balances and be found wanting was an endurable and by no means unexpected accident but that Nancy should fall short of the idea which he had formed of her was a calamity sufficient to make angels weep a punishment which he felt was greater than he could bear if however Lady Alicia had set fire to the hall then Nancy was as innocent as he himself and there was no reason why he should not fall on his knees before her and beg her pardon for even having distressed at her and let her comfort his sore heart as she alone knew how to comfort it if Nancy was heart sick for Lawrence he was nonetheless heart sick for Nancy the agony of separation was not killing him as it was killing her because a man's physique is made of stronger elements than a woman's but he hungered and thirsted and prayed and recognized not one with less than she she was the one human being to whom he had shown all that was in his heart before whom he had poured out the hidden treasures of his soul and having once broken down the hedge of his reserve the longing to do it again was almost uncontrollable yet there was no one with whom he could do it save Nancy he still felt that his mother's crime would always be his disgrace but he knew Nancy well enough to understand that she would be willing to share and dishonor with him and what was more he did not mind her sharing it at last his love had shown itself stronger than his pride and he realized that Nancy's pity would heal his sores rather than wound him afresh but even yet his love was not strong enough to bear that his queen should do wrong and still remain his queen it could stand anything but that Nancy herself should fall below his ideal of her for this he felt he could never forgive her because in that case her sin would be against herself rather than against him he could forgive his sins against himself but for sins against the woman whom he worshiped there was no pardon to be found while Lawrence's heart was daily softening toward Nancy and his soul was hourly crying out for her the burdens in their daughter started for Menton and he looked in vain in all the familiar places for the pale little face which had become the center of his universe Nancy was now out of his reach but that did not put her out of his thoughts in fact it had a precisely opposite effect all that early spring when the roads were swept clean by the east wind and the fields smelt of the daisies that were yet to be for there's always a smell of future daisies in the air on the first spring days Lawrence's heart went out to Nancy and cried for her as thirsty men cried for water in a barren and dry land where no water is the more he thought about it the more fully he became convinced that it was his mother who had set fire to Baxamdale Hall his poor foolish mother who had never been able in all her life to discover the distinction between good and evil much less to choose the one and refuse the other he remembered how she begged him to do the deed himself and how utterly feudal had been his efforts to convince her that such a suggestion was of the nature of sin and he knew her well enough to understand how she could succeed in convincing herself that she was actually performing a righteous act in fulfilling the old prophecy as well as in making her son as she thought a rich man for the rest of his life the memory of Nancy's suggestion that he should burn down the house of his father's a suggestion which had been eating into his very soul for the last six months and making his existence a burden to him began gradually to fade from his memory after all he had laid too much stress on the girl's idle words he told himself was she not always talking nonsense which she did not in the least mean and making absurd statements which she never expected to be believed and had he not shown himself an errant fool in taking this one conversation of hers instead of accepting it as the mere joke for which it was intended so during that spring Nancy once more regained her place in Lawrence's life and he eagerly looked forward to the time when he could take her into his arms again and pour out all his story of shame and sorrow and wounded sensibility into her sympathetic ear he would make her understand him this time he said to himself he would never again be guilty of the folly of setting up a barrier of reserve between himself and the woman whom he adored he would tell her the whole truth how he believed that lady Elisha was the culprit who had set Baxondale Hall in flames and that therefore he could not take the insurance money and he felt sure when Nancy heard this she would see the utter impossibility of his allowing himself to reap any pecuniary benefit from his mother's crime he could not write all this to Nancy his suspicion against lady Elisha must never be set down in black and white lest the very birds of the air should carry it abroad it must only be whispered into Nancy's ear and locked up in her loving breast for the rest of their lives so he decided to wait until she came back to where he sat and to put herself in him when they met the warmer climate of the sunny south did not do as much for Nancy as her parents had hoped she lost her cough and the doctors could find nothing organically wrong with her but neither climate nor medicine can do much in the way of ministering to a mind diseased had the last miserable six months been blotted out Nancy would speedily have become as strong and well as she had ever been in her life but she could not forget things she was not made after that pattern and the memory of what in one short year she had won and lost was killing her as surely as if more slowly than any disease defined by the faculty and yet she prayed to forget she hated to remember that was the hard part of it there are sweet natured women who can cherish their sorrow until it becomes to them a familiar friend on earth and a guide to heaven who ordered their harmonies goings by the thought of what their loved ones would have wished until upon these souls those loved ones exercised a stronger influence than they ever exercised in the days of their flesh and such women are tried by so as by a refiner's fire and come out as burnish gold but Nancy was not after this kind she was passionate rather than tender and so the grace of a day that is dead had no hold upon her on the contrary she changed against it and hated it and longed to blot it forever out of the bulk of her remembrance she wanted no tender memories of Lawrence to occupy the place he had left vacant in her heart she desired not that grief should fill the room up of her absent love and remember her of all his gracious parts gentler women would have wished this but not Nancy she wanted the man himself just as he was with all his over scrupulousness and impractic ability and unreasonableness to have and to hold for better for worse till death should impart bailing this she prayed for forgetfulness prayed that he might depart out of her existence altogether and that memory of him might not trouble her again that he would leave her free to live her own life unvexed by the haunting shadows of what might have been and yet she was so fashioned that oblivion was impossible to her the boon she great was strictly denied to her by the peculiarities of her own nature the more she strove to hate and forget the more passionately did she love and the more vividly did she remember for the witch surely heaven pitied her spring had fully dawned when Lady Alicia came back to England and to popular farm her son was delighted to see the change which the journey had wrought in her she looked younger and happier and consequently handsomer then she had looked for years I'm so glad to see you so well mother said Lawrence affectionately yes dear Lawrence I know I look well I noticed it myself in the looking glass which so often tells us anything but a flattering tale as dear somebody I forget his name remarked it was the warm weather suited you ah it was not only the climate dear Lawrence that renewed my youth though I confess sunshine is very sweet and soothing even if somewhat trying to the complexion but it does no real damage if one always wears a gauze veil your dear aunts made would not permit me positively would not permit me to step out of doors without a gauze veil and I felt most grateful to her for her forethought she is an excellent person quite excellent I don't know what I should have done without her Lawrence I wish I could afford for you to have a mate of your own mother well dear child I cannot deny that a mate has a very beneficial effect upon a woman's character you see it is quite impossible to find leisure for cultivating one's higher nature if one has to do one's own hair and looked after one's own wardrobe and yet it is so sweet to cultivate one's higher nature if one can find time almost a duty in fact I suppose it is Lawrence with difficulty repressed a smile I always think dear st. Peter or was it st. Paul's remark I invariably mixed the two up about a woman not plotting her hair putting on golden apparel but having a meek and quiet spirit instead is so very beautiful and appropriate but it is only those women who have a mate to see to the plotting of the hair and the putting on of the apparel is the time to attend to the development of the meek and quiet spirit one woman really cannot undertake both departments herself and yet it is so said for either to be neglected I suppose if you had only time for one you would consider the former more important said Lawrence of course dear child of course because one loses cast if one's hair is badly done or one's clothes are shabby well nobody thinks any the worse of one for not having a meek and quiet spirit not that I don't think it is very sweet and Christian to be both I do indeed but of course the things that show are always of more importance than the things that don't show anybody can see that of course Lawrence's tone was dry and now I have a confession to make to you dear Lawrence a most serious confession I'm afraid you will be very angry with me you have a somewhat unreasonable temper as your poor dear father had but I feel sure you will pardon me in the end Lawrence's heart stood still for a moment and then went on at double quick speed so the confession he had prepared his mind to hear was coming at last and as darling was about to be cleared from the slightest shadow of suspicion well what is it mother you see dear child poverty is peculiarly repellent to any one of my refined insensitive nature and not only repellent it is also positively injurious it creates false or rather I should say weaknesses which otherwise would not exist in which I've never distinguished any of the moats before and it prevents the full development of virtues which probably belong to my character yes yes I hear Lawrence was impatient but his mother was not going to be hurried therefore I feel it to be my duty to myself and to all around me to escape from a state which is so injurious to my higher nature you see it is the duty of us all to cultivate our higher natures dear saint paul says something about working out our own salvation and I'm sure he means by this that we must avoid all things which are not profitable to us in fact he uses those exact words if I remember rightly and poverty is not profitable to your salvation is that what you mean mother yes dear child how quickly you comprehend things if only your poor dear father had understood me as well as you do what a much better and happier woman I might have been Lawrence had his doubts as to the accuracy of the deduction but he wisely refrained from putting them into words therefore I felt for some time that it was my duty at all costs to escape from poverty I was not doing myself or my higher instincts anything like justice and it is so beautiful to do justice to one's highest and best self whatever sacrifice it may involve even if it be backs and they'll haul itself that happens to be the burnt offering lady Alicia sigh but that sacrifice was wasted you see owing to your unfortunate wrongheadedness and obstinacy then what is the second sacrifice involved in this moral regeneration it is hardly a sacrifice dear Lawrence though I shall always believe that backs and they'll haul was burned by a miracle in order to give my higher nature a chance of fuller development I remember once coming upon a beautiful little poem about something for which I pant and fuller something else I want which exactly expresses all that I feel Lawrence could hardly control his impatience as I unfortunately spoiled sacrifice number one for goodness sake tell me what sacrifice number two is and be quick about it it is not a sacrifice as I have told you dear Lawrence it is only a sweet beautiful change and development dear Lord Watercrest with whom at Cairns I renewed my former friendship as again asked me to be his wife and I have accepted him Lawrence was unfounded he had never dreamt of his mother's marrying again I think it is so touching and beautiful continued Lady Alicia that I should be given another chance of happiness after having been so foolish as to refuse him for the sake of your father all those years ago as dear Shakespeare says there is a divinity which puts things straight again however much we may make all of them ourselves then Lawrence found words I hope Lord Watercrest will make you very happy he said gently I'm sure he will dear child he has twenty thousand a year and two most charming places he says we must each go our own way and neither be bothered with the other as there is money enough for both so different from your poor dear father who was always wanting me to be with him and never could be happy without me under your Lord Watercrest could have given him a lesson in unselfishness we leave my father out of the conversation altogether if you don't mind mother and devote your attention to his successor you see dear Lawrence I am sure it is my duty to marry a rich man if I can and it is very sweet of you to take it so nicely you don't seem a bit angry and I was so afraid you would be no I'm not angry I have no right to be and I want to tell you something else just to show you what a lot of harm poverty was doing to my character and how necessary it is for me to be rich if I am to be as good as I should like to be as I ought to be for it is everybody's good don't you think I suppose so but it's a pretty hard job sometimes of course you will keep what I'm going to tell you quite a secret won't you mother is it necessary to ask me that well then said the Alicia in a nervous deprecating manner totally unlike her usual calm serenity would you believe it of me dear Lawrence I so hated being poor that I made up my mind to set fire to Baxondale Hall on purpose to get the insurance money I did indeed isn't it awful to think that poverty could bring a gentle woman and a moat to such a straight as that and her leadership began to cry don't cry mother dear but tell me all about it Lawrence was putting a tremendous restraint upon himself that is all and it is bad enough goodness knows I see now how we could have me it would have been but at that time I wanted money so dreadfully that I didn't care what sin I committed to get it then didn't you carry out your intention after all ask Lawrence with a strange type feeling around his heart I know sadly the Alicia but that was no credit to me it was when I was contemplating this wicked step that somebody forestalled me goodness knows who and actually did what I had intended to do and then when I heard what people said and thought about the crime I realized what a lucky woman I've been just to have escaped committing it you see I never knew how wrong it was till I heard other people say so Lawrence fell on his knees at his mother's feet mother swear to me that truth that you did not carry out your intention remember even if you did I would freely forgive you and keep the secret with my life no I didn't do it Lawrence indeed I didn't though I don't see that I'm really much better than if I had it was not my fault that I didn't carry out my sinful intention or it is dreadful to think that I a moat could have sunk so low Lawrence stretched out a trembling hand and seized a Bible that was lying on his mother's work table will you kiss this and swear that it wasn't you who set bar to the hall Lady Alicia kissed the book I swear that it was not I she said solemnly though I feel my guilt is the same as if it were Lawrence rose from his knees with his face as white as a sheep for he knew that his mother was speaking the truth she rose also I think I will go to bed now of course you will never mention to dear Lord watercress what I've just told you I swear I will never mention it to anybody as long as I live replied Lawrence kissing her good night mother I hope you will be very happy when Lady Alicia had left the room he sank into a chair and buried his face in his hands so Nancy is the culprit after all he grown and I love her as I love my own soul end of chapter 21 chapter 22 a fuel of fire this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org fuel of fire by Ellen Thorny Croft Fowler chapter 22 the lanes again in spite of all the ways you tried to stifle him with vain endeavor love never for a moment died but lives forever Baxendale no doubt ought to have rejoiced to find that his suspicions were incorrect so far as Lady Alicia was concerned he felt this very strongly himself and acknowledged in his heart that his modified satisfaction proved him to be a most undutiful son yet he had an excuse so he had convinced himself in the fact of the guilty persons being neither his mother nor Nancy so that the exculpation of the one meant the implication of the other therefore the dutiful son gave way to the devout lover which was human nature nonetheless he repented him of having done his mother and injustice although Lady Alicia's confession of her unlawful intention robbed this injustice of most of its grossness and he tried in every way to make up to her for the imagination of his heart an unwanted tenderness yet he could not conceal from himself that his cup of misery was well nigh overflowing so long as a doubt existed in his mind as to whether of the train was the culprit he was able to give the benefit of the doubt to Nancy he'd been wretched enough no doubt yet the fact that the guilt of neither was assured seemed somehow to relieve both of the stigma however he knew that his mother was as good as guilty and he also was given to the conclusion that her actual innocence fixed the crime on Nancy consequently his heart was filled with grief and bitterness Nancy a culprit that was the fact the horrible fact that stared him in the face he hated himself for doubting her yet as he turned the matter over and over again in his mind his reason would not let him come to an conclusion it is hard for a man when his reason apparently makes it impossible for him to believe the truths he learned as a child it is harder still when his reason takes an opposite course and makes it impossible for him to believe that the one who is dearer to him than life itself is worthy of his love at this period of his life Baxendale went through a time of storm and stress he did his best to tear Nancy from his heart but it was all in vain it may be possible or it is sometimes necessary for a man to pluck out his offending eye or cut off his offending right hand but to exercise from his heart the woman who is firmly ensconced herself therein is an operation which a certain type of man cannot perform and yet live of which type was Lawrence Baxendale the memories, bitter memories they were of her lovely eyes and her bright wit of her sweet temper and cheerful stoicism of her tolerant good nature and tender sympathy would come back and flood his soul at such times his heart would rise superior to his reason and he would swear to himself that one so sweet and noble could never be guilty even for one she loved of conduct so dishonorable then would come the reaction of common sense and the facts which all pointed her out as the doer of the deed became under him convincing evidence yet throughout all this turmoil of doubt and despair he loved her still nay he loved her better than ever he seemed possessed by an over mastering passion which he strove in vain to control then arose a struggle in his heart between his love and his pride pride demanded the sacrifice of Nancy on the altar of stainless poverty and outraged family propriety love putting in a pitiful little plea for mercy which he felt had no justification whatsoever that mercy would tend to his own personal satisfaction and comfort was to Baxendale a powerful argument in favor of severity he would not have been the fit descendant of men who had died in defending the property of the church in the time of Henry VIII and in supporting the cause of the king to cover Cromwell if this had not been so thus the struggle went on a struggle which was none the less severe because silent in which told on Baxendale more than he would have cared to own he shunned society more than ever he became irritable and moody he carried out all the routine work of the estate with exemplary care but he had plenty of time on his hands as he abjured any companionship he spared time to wandering about and thinking of Nancy and holding the balance between pride and his love but he never went into the lanes where he and Nancy used to walk in the golden days of old that he felt was more than he could bear matters also were going on very hardly with Nancy she was one of those women who were like thoroughbred horses she would go on until she dropped but it was born in upon her that the time she was hopping was near at hand although she likewise had hitherto studiously avoided the lanes one afternoon when she was feeling especially low a curious idea came to her that she would go to the style where Lawrence had first kissed her and there did farewell to her brief spell of perfect bliss by some subtle action of that force which men in their ignorance called chance though it may be the providence which shapes our ends Lawrence Bexendill became possessed of a similar notion on that same afternoon he'd lately been finding the struggle to forget Nancy a little too much for him pride though making a gallant fight of it was playing a losing game it only wanted a little more at a touch he was although he knew it not prepared to yield so it came to pass that he found himself almost to his own surprise wandering down the winding lanes where he and Nancy had passed such happy hours the sweet memories of those days of bliss came back to him and with them a passionate desire to see that dear face again ah how said it was when he saw it to kiss again a look of happiness into those blue eyes to bring back the old brightness the old mirth what mattered those dead and gone ancestors of his what mattered his own pride of race compared with Nancy had not his mother meditated the very deed for which he condemned the girl it was for no mercenary motives he knew that she had done the deed in a moment of thoughtlessness she had done it for love for love yes her love for him was so great that she had dared even a crime for his sake he looked into his own heart and asked he to pass judgment upon her he had never committed a crime it is true yet did he not confess himself every Sunday a miserable sinner and withdrew and should he a sinner like the other Galileans condemn her for a mad deed done for love as he thought on these things he looked up and behold there was Nancy herself at the style she did not see him but at the sight of her the last vestige of pride disappeared he was filled with a passionate love but with his love there came a new feeling humility while not condoning Nancy's fault he condemned himself for his phariseism for how did he differ from him who thank God that he was not as this publican dare he approach her dare he speak to her how would she receive him these thoughts she cried why do you come here to torment me you have destroyed my happiness and spoiled my life can you not leave me to die in peace Lawrence was stricken with remorse that her words still more at the side of her face Nancy he whispered gently can you rest she cried why do you come here to torment me you have destroyed my happiness and spoiled Nancy he whispered gently can you ever forgive me I have come to tell you that I am sorry I was mad when I said that we must part I cannot live without you sweetheart I love you I love you Nancy still looked at him with dilated eyes she seemed not to have heard a word he said so you have come to gloat upon the ruin you have wrought to see what a wreck a woman can become who has been full enough a man truly a kind thought a manly action how can you speak so bitterly my own love I am here to own my fault and to beg your forgiveness can you not understand that I adore you that I cannot live without you Nancy shook her head sadly you should have thought of that before it is your own doing you said that we must see each other no more you threw me without a thought if you now see that it was all a mistake you have only yourself to blame Baxendale found this reception a rude shock he had looked at the matter from his own point of view alone and I'd suppose now that he was ready to overlook Nancy's crime he had only to propose a renewal of their own relations to be received with open arms he was not prepared to find any reluctance in the girl's part to a renewal of their lease of love he had been so consumed by his conviction of Nancy's guilt that he had taken for granted that she was aware that he knew it had never occurred to him to look at the matter from her side or to imagine that he had failed in any way in what was due from him to her so that her attitude came upon him with a shock of surprise he was anxious, not eager to take her again to himself he had a passionate desire to clasp her in his arms and swear that nothing in heaven or earth should separate them again but he could hardly say to her my dear I know you are criminal but I am prepared to overlook the fact and unless he said something of the kind it would be hard for him to explain his past conduct should she demand an explanation he had expected her to jump into his arms at the first hint of her relenting from his historical attitude it was perhaps a useful lesson for him to find that pride was not a monopoly of the Baxandale family so many families have an idea that pride and sensitiveness are peculiar to themselves as white cattle to chartly and black rabbits to hawk stone I know I have only myself to blame he said at last humbly but you would be merciful and forgiving if you knew the state of misery I have been in for the last six months it has been all your own doing I know it but that makes it the worst hell is not the less hell because a man has prepared it for himself said Baxandale with some bitterness and do you suppose I have not been miserable too in your pity for yourself have you never had a thought to waste on me? it is the old story a man plays with a woman's heart as he plays with a football it is a good game and requires some skill and when the heart is broken and he cannot play with it anymore he just gets a new ball and goes on with the game one ball is as good as another for him naturally being a man it is the game itself he cares for not the necessary implements heaven knows you are me and injustice cried Baxandale passionately I have loved you all through when I have seen most cold and most heartless I have adored you most you had a strange way of showing it I hoped and thought you would forget me when you were in fresh scenes and saw new faces no one knows how cut to the heart I was when I saw your face on your return and recognized how much you had suffered why did you not tell me so Nancy, why did I not reply to a lover I cannot tell you you must not ask me but believe me my darling that I love you more than life itself I am filled with remorse for all the suffering I have caused you and if you will only forgive me I will have but one object for the future your happiness Nancy did not speak so Lawrence went on I cannot offer you a luxurious home such as you are accustomed to but I can at least offer reasonable comforts my mother you may have heard is about to marry again for the future I shall not have heard to support nor here Lawrence wins have to pay the premiums on the insurance I do not wish there to be any mistake so I will say at once that I cannot it is not I will not but I cannot take the insurance money the my income though small will enable me to maintain you without that Baxendale paused after this lengthy and somewhat unlover like speech on the holy might have done worse during the recitation of these prosaic details Nancy had time to recover herself and the subtle influence of the man began to make himself felt when Lawrence paused Nancy said you do not suppose I care a straw about your money or your comforts or your luxuries do you Lawrence was quick to perceive a change in her tone he whispered don't you know where we are don't you remember the dear old style and the lovely times we used to anticipate it cannot be all over you will forgive me won't you you love me I know you love me and we could be so happy together as he spoke his arm stole gently round her waist Nancy did not withdraw herself though she stiffened slightly sweetheart he went on and his voice shook in its passionate and treaty you do not know how much I love you I adore you I love your sweet eyes I love your dear face look up my beloved surely the winter is over in the summers at hand you love me my darling say that you love me and will forgive me you said that it was better that we should see each other no more if I did I lied you preferred your pride to me if I did I was a fool but love glorious love has conquered pride and you have conquered me they had walked a short distance from the style now by mutual consent they turned and walked back in silence when they reached it Lawrence again whispered Nancy my own darling cannot you love me just a little and Nancy looked up with swimming eyes she did not speak but her look was enough for Lawrence their lips met in a long kiss and the estrangement was at an end and they were happy it's supremely happy ridiculously happy for the time Lawrence forgot his suspicions indeed he determined to blot them out of his remembrance as for Nancy the bloom already began to come back into her pale cheeks and her blue eyes were bright with her deep love Lawrence dear she said you have made me very miserable in the past but I'm almost glad of it because now it throws up the new happiness like something done in barra leaf or looked at through stereoscope don't you know and you forgive me my own I forgive you but on one condition that you never refer to all this horridness again let it be as if it had never been we won't remember the miserable time we will be happy in the future when Nora and I were little and the games went wrong and we quarreled over them we used to say let's pretend it didn't happen and then we began the game all over again in peace it was such a bigger plan because it didn't leave any sore places and now I say again let's pretend it didn't happen and we'll begin the game all over again and leave no sore places and so they went on and in hand wrapped up in their present bliss and in spite of all her cleverness it never once entered Nancy's head that her lover indeed suspected her since his present behavior seemed so satisfactorily to prove the contrary so little do men and women even when they are in love with each other read each other's inmost thoughts end of chapter 22