 My message today is going to be about managing our emotions and it's going to be less about how to manage your kids' emotions and more about managing your own emotions. So it's really going to be focused on you, not as much about your kids. It's going to be focused on us on the inside. So I'm going to kick us off. I have a few statements that I want to read and I want you to all let me know if any of them sound familiar. So if you could kind of give me some feedback as I'm saying these out loud, I want to know if any of these register with you. Stop crying or I'm going to give you something to cry about. Wipe that smile off your face or I'm going to wipe it off for you. I brought you into this world and I can take you out. I am not going to tell you again. Don't make me turn this car around. You just need to toughen up. Okay, here's one. How many times do I have to tell you? And this is one of my favorite ones. You better eat your dinner because they're starving kids in Africa. I always pondered on that one just a little bit. Like how will my leftover food save the kids in Africa? You know, but it's something that we all say. Here's a good one. Back in my day, we had to walk 10 miles to school uphill both ways. Both ways, uphill both ways. Stop crying. You're okay. Okay, this is all of our favorite ones because I said so. If you live under my roof, you're going to follow my rules. I know that one real good. If you're going to act like a child, I'm going to treat you like one. Here's a big one. Do as I say, not as I do. Now this next one, it's going to need a little bit of context. But for those of you who have heard this one before, you don't need any context. You know exactly what this means. Someone better be bleeding. I hope your kids turn out just like you. And finally, don't make me count to three because, God forbid, you get to number three. What's going to happen? I don't know. But all jokes aside, these statements are commonly spoken to children, young and old, so much so these days that they, all of them have become completely normalized. We hear them all the time and if you haven't heard them, God bless you. Maybe you have heard them spoken to you and maybe you're the one who have said these things. You know, so they're just completely normal. But the hard part about these different things is these particular statements and many more to be just completely frank with you. They all have a negative connotation and we wonder why so many of our young children today are struggling with trauma, rejection, mental health issues, addictions and so much more. And the reason why is because absolutely none of these statements offer young children tools on how to deal with life circumstances and how to manage their emotions. How to handle the emotions that come their way. A lot of these statements are just blanket statements that offer no solutions at all. Stop crying, you're okay. Well, they're not okay because they're crying. What do I do? How do I work through the pain or sadness that I'm feeling? So simply saying stop isn't going to solve any problem. So it's important to understand that our relationship with our emotions, it begins from a very young age, from the time that we're born, and how we manage those emotions will last with us for an entire lifetime. Some of us learned that when we have an angry outburst, for example, like if we have a tantrum when we were kids, we were really angry, got upset about something. My paint ran out. Let me just think of something really simple here. And as a kid I'm angry and I'm having an outburst. Sometimes in many of our cases, those angry outbursts were met with disappointment because we got angry or the silent treatment. I'm just going to ignore that behavior because it's just, let me just ignore it, right? It's met with disappointment and silent treatment from the adult that's in their life. Or better yet, some people, some kids, their anger is met with an even greater outburst of anger from the loving adult in their life. Meaning that the parent got angry that their child is angry. Does anyone know what I'm talking about here? What we learn, either way, whether you're angry outburst as a kid or maybe your own outbursts even now, either way, whether they're met with disappointment, with silent treatment, with another angry outburst, no matter what, we learn that anger is something bad. Whereas anger is not bad. Anger is an emotion. And emotions are indicators for telling us when something needs to change. So if I'm angry or if a young child is angry, it's an indicator that something needs to change. But we have seen anger traditionally in our society as something bad, right? Because we must be happy people all the time. We must know the rules all the time, follow the rules all the time. But how many of you know, you have young children, little ones running around. They do not know rules. They have to be taught rules, have to understand. And not just taught rules, but they have to be able to be able to process through things and understand the why behind the how or the what. Amen? It's important for all of us in this room today to remember that a child's behavior is a form of communication. It's important for us to remember this because kids don't just have outbursts. They don't just act wild and crazy for absolutely no reason. There is always a reason behind the behavior that they have. And they may not have the language or the words to be able to communicate to you what they're feeling on the inside. And so we see these little bouts of behavior happening. And what happens is that they go unchecked if we don't have that kind of behavior. And what happens is that they go unchecked if we don't help the child to understand what they're feeling. Over time, those outbursts become their norm. It becomes how they handle and process situations because they were never taught how to process through things. So we're going to talk about managing our emotions. And us as the adults, how to manage our emotions to be able to teach young children how to do the same. Crying, tantrums, quietness, defiance, those are all ways that young children and even older children convey messages to us about what they need. It's our responsibility to help them learn how to self-regulate. The problem here, this is the crux of the matter, is that it's our job to teach kids how to self-regulate. But many of us are not able to teach children how to self-regulate because we ourselves don't know how to self-regulate. We ourselves don't know how to manage our emotions. We have never done that before because we've always been met with statements like this, stop crying where I'm going to give you something to cry about. Instead of thinking about why am I crying, let's take a breath and talk about this for a second. We're just left to say crying is bad, stop that, don't do it. But if we don't address the reason why we're crying, then that pain or whatever we're holding on to will just continue because it goes undelt with. The first five years of life is the absolute most fundamental years. Everything that happens in that first five years of your lives will literally shape the trajectory of your life. Your core beliefs, your core values, everything happens in the first five years because 90% of your brain is developed in the first five years. 90%. By the time you're five years old, you're basically all the way there. Everything that you learned, everything that you believe in life today, you believe it deep down to your core because of your childhood. And then that last 10%, your brain does not become fully developed until you're about 24, 25 years old. So that 10%, that academia, all those things that you learned, that's the last 10%. But who you are, what you believe down to your core has already been instilled into you by the time you were five before you entered kindergarten. So even when we talk about woke agenda and things like that and what our kids are learning, the reason why the devil is going after kids and trying to get after them younger and younger and younger is because the devil knows that principle. He knows that if he can get to a child before they are five years old, he's won the battle. Not really, but like, you get what I'm saying, right? He knows that from that point on, it's going to be that much harder for that child to end up in heaven because their minds have already been developed. So when I say that this information is incredibly important, I mean it with all of my heart. Now, I want to tell you that all is not lost. Maybe you're sitting here thinking like, oh God, this is so depressing. All my kids are grown. What am I going to do? All is not lost because that's the reason Jesus came. Because he came to restore the relationship between God and man. God made a way where there seems to be no way. But if we have the opportunity to equip young children before they enter into school, before they get surrounded by the people of this world or by ideologies of this world, if we have the chance to impart into them the truth, they will carry the truth in their core beliefs and core values. So how do we change the trajectory of our lives and our children's future, the generations that come after us? It doesn't start with our own behavior modification. No matter how hard you try to change your behavior, it can't start there. Because you can physically work hard to change your behavior, but if your mind doesn't change, if your mindset doesn't change, you will always revert back to what you know. You can change your behavior for a little while, but until you're transformed on the inside, you will always go back to what you know. That's why the Bible says in Romans chapter 12 verse 2, don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way that you think. Then you will learn to know God's will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect. We need God to change the way we think. We need God to change our inner dialogue of what we speak to ourselves, what we have learned, these statements that we hear in our minds. Maybe you have these thoughts that you think about yourself and you think that they're true. Oh, I'm ugly. I'm fat. I'm no good. You know, maybe those things were spoken over you and you believe that. Well, you need God to renew your mind. God has let us know that in his word. He made it very clear that we need God to help us change our minds. And until we're changed, we will not be able to effectively guide the next generation because we're sick on the inside. The devil operates through open doors so that he can put us into bondage from a very early age. That's how generational curses work. Generational curses work through open doors. You know, when we get into bondage, we're bound by addiction, by emotional trauma, things like that. That's an open door. That's how the devil works. But when we give our life to Jesus Christ and we understand his mighty power at work in our lives, then we can more effectively deal with old wounds that have been festering in our hearts. We can tear down strongholds and break the yoke of generational curses that have been operating in our lives so that we not only can be free, but we can also help set our children free and set them up for a really bright future and a generational blessing to come. Amen. Regulating our emotions is not something that we can just like learn in one day. It's something that you have to put into practice. There's a lot to unpack. And we're going to do that today. We're going to kind of unpack this concept of managing our emotions. And I'm going to tell you that probably you're going to go home and think about this for a while. And that's good. You should. You should go home and think about these sorts of things, because it's something that you can never just learn in one day. But I hope that what you hear today, what you learn today, you'll be able to take home and put into practical application as well. So where do we start when it comes to managing our emotions? In short, it really starts with us. It starts with you and me. It starts with a decision that we make that we are going to be the solution and not the problem anymore. It's acknowledging that maybe I'm the problem. And when you accept that truth, that is the beginning of freedom. That is the beginning of freedom. John chapter 8 verse 32 says that you will know the truth and the truth will set you free. I want to tell you that the truth is a person and his name is Jesus Christ. And when you bring Jesus Christ into the center of your family and allow his truth to not only transform your life, but to operate in your family, you're going to see all of your families one by one start being transformed by the truth and getting set free. You're going to see that the truth begins to change everything happening in your family. It's a hard pill to swallow sometimes. When you can accept that you need Jesus, that you need God to change your life, to help you to work on yourself, to work on your emotions, that's the beginning of change. That's the beginning of true freedom. So I'm going to take you through a few points that I hope that you'll be able to take with you for practical applications in order to do this, discovering how to manage your emotions. The first thing is, is emotional awareness. We have to be aware of our own personal state of being. How are we doing on the inside? What are we experiencing inside? Jeremiah 17 verse 9 says this, The human heart is the most deceitful of all things and desperately wicked. Who really knows how bad it is? A wounded and festering heart cannot produce something that is healthy and whole. What does that mean? That means that as a parent, and I take this responsibility very seriously, if my heart is broken, if my heart is wounded, and I don't take heed to my heart, if I don't allow God to change my heart, then my kids are not going to be healthy and whole. It doesn't matter how hard I try, because my inside will always produce what's on the outside. How do I know that? Because Luke chapter 6 verse 45 says this, A good person produces good things from the treasury of a good heart. And an evil person produces evil things from the treasury of an evil heart. What you say flows from what is in your heart. Everything you say and do comes from right here. And the Bible says it's desperately wicked. You don't even know how bad your heart actually is. So how on earth can we, how can Jesus say a good person produces good fruit? Because none of us are good. I'm going to just burst every single one of our bubbles here today. None of us are good. How do I know that? Because even when a Pharisee came up to Jesus and called him good teacher, he said, why do you call me good? Only God is good. Only God is good. And it was in that moment that, when that declaration was made, was to prove that if he's a good teacher, that means that he is God. Because only God is good. So how can Jesus say this, a good person produces good things if we cannot be good? Well that's right, because on your own, you cannot be good. You will not produce good things. You will not have the treasury of a good heart. With Jesus Christ, you can be a good person that produces good things out of the treasury of a good heart. You need Jesus who is good to be a part of you. You need Jesus to live inside of you and to walk with him daily in order to be able to fulfill this principle. Without Jesus, you are left being that evil person who produces evil things out of the treasury of an evil heart. That's why the Bible says in Proverbs chapter 4 verse 23, to guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life. A life without Jesus Christ, the trajectory of that, the pathway is not good. But a life with Jesus Christ that your heart is guarded when you have Jesus Christ living inside of you, your pathway is a good one. Whether you have hard times, whether you face challenging situations or not, you're on the path to the good life. Because the good life is a life with Jesus Christ, amen. What are you passing down to your children? Are you a do as I say, not as I do, sort of a parent? Is that something that you've kind of lived by? I'm going to tell you what to do. Just don't copy what I'm doing. How can we expect kids to listen to what we say if we literally all the time do the exact opposite of what we are telling them to do? That excuse of do as I say, not as I do is not a good excuse. Because kids, especially young children, and as they get older to teenagers, they're going to start realizing our faults. They're going to start realizing, oh, yeah, my parent maybe is not like the superhero that I thought that they were. Because we hear this a lot, do as I say, not as I do. Your actions speak louder than your words, amen. The question now becomes when you know this, that you've got to guard your heart above all things because from it flows all of the issues of life. What is your response to life's situations? Because every single one of us will experience hard times. We will all experience challenging situations. Just because you're a Christian does not mean that you're exempt from hard times. In fact, I'm just going to break this news to you. As a Christian, probably you will be attacked even more because you're trying real hard to live your life for Christ. And so you can expect that the enemy is not going to just let you go free. The enemy is going to fight you. He is going to challenge you. There is going to be a battlefield in your mind. You are going to face tough situations. How do you respond to life's situations? Are you acting and speaking out of faith and trust in God? Or is your response to hard times a result of hurt and pain from the past? Are you replicating what was taught to you from generations, from the generations that came before you? Are you now speaking that negativity that came through? And I pray that all of you in here in this room are the lucky ones that never had a negative word spoken to you, that never had any of those funny statements that are funny now when I say them out loud, but in the moment as a kid, they don't make sense because they don't offer us any solutions. They don't actually help us. They're funny now, but back then they're not. They're not funny when you're a kid because you're left wondering, well, then what do I do? We need to embrace the opportunity to look within and allow God to begin healing our emotional self so that we can effectively teach emotional well-being to our kids. And when you become aware of your own emotional well-being and take your shortcomings to the Lord, he can help you in your weakness. What are relationships like with other people? How do people experience us? Some research indicates that the way parents treat each other is even more powerful for a child than the way the parents treat the child. So the example that you show in your relationship, whether you're married or you co-parent, maybe you're not married but you co-parent, your relationship between each other is more powerful than how you treat your child. Your children are going to learn from mom and dad. They're going to learn what you do. They're going to learn how you treat each other. And the way that you treat each other and the way that you have your relationship is exactly how your kids will have relationships with other people. Even from childhood. Dysfunctional parental relationships equal dysfunctional child relationships. Dysfunctional parental relationships equal dysfunctional child relationships. Research also indicates that couples that were more emotionally competent in their marriage were also more effective in helping children manage their feelings in healthy ways. So if I'm emotionally well, let's just say it like that, and I have a good relationship with my husband, we handle things together, that example is going to go a long way in helping us to teach our child. My little girl is only five months old now. So we've got a long way to go, right? We've got a long way yet. Let's dive right into the third point that I want to make. We're going to talk about root causes. So when we talk about managing emotional mayhem, emotional awareness focuses on our inner being. Relational awareness focuses on our external being, how we are perceived by other people. Now let's talk about root causes. This is where we're going to have to kind of dig a little bit together, and today we'll do some unpacking. In order to understand root causes of the behavior that we display, or the behavior that our children display, it's to first understand that there are primary and secondary emotions. So in order to manage those emotions, you need to understand there's two types of emotions. So examples of primary emotions are angry, sad, scared, and happy. Now this is a very simplified version. This is, I did not make these up. These are actually research-based, and some scholars say that there are two additional primary emotions, which would be surprised and disgusted. But for the sake of the message today, we're going to stick with these four very simple primary emotions, angry, sad, scared, and happy. Primary emotions are uncomplicated. They are natural responses to the innate and innately fundamental to our emotional well-being and our human functioning. Now secondary emotions can be things like frustrated, disappointed, anxious, and calm, and a lot of others. Secondary emotions are considered secondary because they are not necessarily rated to an innate survival instinct. So my first primary emotion may not be frustration that's not related to survival. Like our survival mode is I'm angry, something needs to change. I'm sad, something needs to change. I'm scared, something needs to change. If I'm frustrated, I can kind of ponder on it a little bit. So kind of try to think of it like that. Secondary emotions are tied to a story or adaptive belief that we have embraced as truth. Secondary emotions are usually feelings about an emotion. So for example, I might feel shame about being sad. Now let me unpack that one just a little bit. If I feel shame about being sad, it's probably because when I was young I was taught that being sad is a bad thing. Stop crying, you're okay. What do I learn as a child when I hear something like that? It's not okay to be sad. It's not okay to cry. So maybe as I get older I might feel shame like I'm a shame that I'm even crying right now because I've been conditioned to believe that crying is somehow a bad thing. That being sad is somehow a bad thing. Unconscious family conditioning that's passed down from generation to generation. I was taught by my parents who were taught by their parents who were taught by their parents whether consciously or subconsciously they were teaching because parents we are our child's first teachers and we passed down from generation to generation everything that we learned and it takes an act of intentionality to change what was passed down to us to actively be something different for our own kids or for the children in our lives. Primary emotions are an essential function and necessary for our life because our emotions are not our enemies they are actually our best friends. Our primary emotions are very important to our lives because they tell us when something needs to change. They help us assess situations and make decisions for our lives. Our primary emotions are how we experience life. When a situation comes my way I will experience a primary emotion. Everything I experience in life and you experience in life starts with a primary emotion because that's how we assess the world around us it's how we make sense of everything that's going on it's how our brain works it's how God made us but the devil will often use secondary emotions to mask what we are really feeling so that we cannot properly deal with our primary emotions when we feel them often causing those emotions to fester into deep wounds in our heart so that's how the devil operates like I said through open doors using secondary emotions so that you don't actually understand what's happening to you I can't tell you how many people I've talked to in our pre prayer counseling or after someone has received deliverance or during any of that process or talking about inner healing and when I say like tell me what's going on right now I have no idea what I'm actually feeling and it takes a lot to pull back the layers and get to the root cause of what a person is actually feeling and dealing with that particular emotion because we, all of us do it like this is not just like one or two people every single one of us do this it's called masking those secondary emotions are masks for what we're really feeling because if we were to deal with the things that we are really feeling those real emotions, the root of it then we would be able to deal with it and move on be able to put those things aside and move forward but the devil will trick us into believing adaptive stories about our lives our life experiences instead of believing the truth instead of being able to assess our emotions against the truth of the word of God and being able to make sense of what's going on in our lives so let me give you an example my father just passed away five weeks ago and I was sad and it's okay to be sad as a Christian and even as a preacher it can be easy to think well now I need to just get over it and move on and put on a smile on my face because I need to set an example for everyone here in church that you can make it and you can be happy you can still live for the Lord but it's okay to be sad sadness is a normal part of life grief is a normal part of life because we will all lose people who are close to us in our lives it will happen ten out of ten people die it's okay to feel sadness but it's when you are trying to mask your sadness with something else with a secondary emotion and then you allow if you don't deal with that sadness what happens is if I were to do that I would be putting that sadness underneath a mask putting it away and that sadness stays in darkness and darkness is the devil's territory we often bury our primary feelings underneath life stories defenses and secondary feelings our defenses are derived from our secondary feelings which mask our primary emotions and get this all primary emotions are derived from one of only two foundational experiences can any of you guess what those two foundational experiences are the two foundational experiences in life are love and fear everything that you are met with every challenge, every life situation every joyous moment everything that you experience in life is either founded on love or it's founded on fear everything comes out of those two things any primary emotion that you feel comes out of either love or out of fear so I think I have a little not a graphic it's just a word sentence here but our defenses come from our secondary emotions which mask our primary emotions which are derived from a foundational experience fear is not your portion but it doesn't mean that you'll never experience fear again in your life just because you gave your life to Christ as long as you're still living on this side of heaven you will experience fear because that is the devil's tool that spirit of fear that we deal with here in the prayer line or in counseling and in our healing that spirit of fear is very real that's why there are so many scriptures that combat that spirit of fear saying that God did not give us a spirit a fear and an intimacy but one of power love those are our defenses against this tactic of fear against this foundational experience of fear so what does the bible say? he didn't give us fear he gave us power love and a sound mind it's the same reason why the bible says that perfect love casts out all fear because the tactic of the enemy to get you all confused up in your brain and in your mind is to make you experience fear and have the whole entire cycle start from there so now the way that people experience you is through your defenses all of your walls are up and if you experience me with my walls you're not going to like it that much but when I'm able to bring those fears to the Lord and allow him to heal my heart and I bring those situations to God I can allow his perfect love to cast out my fear change my foundational experience and allow me to change the pathway that I'm on so that I'm not being received by other people through my defenses but I'm being able to receive people with love and open arms that's when my walls start coming down and you can experience the real me and that's what the Bible God gives us all of that in his word as you take time to go deep with the Lord as you take time to process through your emotions managing the mayhem of emotional chaos in your life as you learn to do that with God your walls will start to come down people will start to experience you differently they'll begin to experience the love of God at work in your life and people will love to be around you and your kids will enjoy your presence and your kids will learn from you and what they're going to copy from you is a good example they're going to copy the Jesus that's on the inside of you and that's what you're going to see replicated into the generations that come after you so in that particular scenario I had to take my emotions to the Lord and ask God how can you deal with that fear of losing something that I care about to truly cast my cares upon him because God cares for me He cares about the things that I care about He cares about the things that you care about He loves you He wants to help you in your weaknesses God wants to change the way you experience life by having him by your side and walk through life's challenges with you this process is the beginning of self-regulation being able to regulate your emotions now self-regulation is first and foremost in practice a conscious discipline it means I have to consciously think about regulating my emotions in the beginning because it's not something that comes natural to us as human beings we need God to help us we need to make the conscious decision to be able to do that but over time and with lots of practice it can become a natural part of our lives so much so that you start to do it without even thinking about it and the process happens so quickly you build those neural pathways in your brain that when you meet a tough situation you recognize when your defenses are coming up your walls are coming up you can immediately assess something is wrong here I need to bring this to the Lord because the thing is happening and allow God to process that with you the Bible says to pray without ceasing it's very interesting because this is a process that you can do in your mind the more natural it becomes through practice and through doing this intentionally you don't even have to think about it anymore and you are literally praying without ceasing okay God help me deal with this wall that I'm putting up because I can tell right now that the defense that I have up is really offensive to other people it's really coming off super bad the little love of God these are the thoughts even in that really intense conversation that's all I was thinking about was God help me to tear my walls down bring it down because this is not how I want to be perceived this is not how I want to live my life I want to live my life out of love and a sound mind and the power of God amen when you set the tone for love, compassion and actually processing your emotions on a daily basis you will find that your children will copy you and do the same because children will always follow your example and not your preaching here are some practical facts of why managing your emotions is incredibly important and being able to teach your children through example to do the same number one children who learn to manage and express their emotions create healthier relationships that means you can expect healthier marriages healthier friendships to work everything children with emotional and social competence are more successful in school and in the workplace emotional health equals optimal brain functioning this next one is going to really throw us all for a loop helping children manage upset feelings is a form of disease prevention let me explain this one the toxicity of poorly managed feelings is on par with how smoking cigarettes contributes to poor health our unmanaged upset feelings is just as toxic to our health as smoking cigarettes that means that if smoking cigarettes takes 14 years off your life undelt with emotions will do the exact same that is how toxic it is that is exactly why the devil will run through open doors that is exactly why the devil will cause you to believe a different story about your life to mask what you are really feeling because he would love nothing more than for you to have a festering wound in your heart so that one day that festering wound is going to cause you to have sickness in your body disease in your emotions and will one day take your life to be a good sermon if this was a blessing to you would you let me know in the comments below what stood out to you from this message what are you taking home with you from this message also if you enjoy these messages would you help us and hit thumbs up to this video and subscribe to our channel so you can get new videos every single week delivered to you on your youtube app if you go to hungrygen.com forward slash sermons you will actually be able to download the transcript and the quotes of this sermon and the rest of all of our sermons free of charge. Until next time.