 Why are all these close-up shots on their crotches? The people who made Madden loved the movie Batman Forever, where they kept zooming in on their crotches. Alright, folks, listen up. Listen up, fellas. I got a damn podium in the locker room, because that's how serious I am, okay? We got ourselves a big game today. Alright, Los Angeles Chargers, and I know what a lot of you folks say. You say, Coach, weird, listen, you ain't that much older than us. You don't look a day over 22. And I say, listen, my NFL career may have been cut short. And I may have been brought here on a whim the week before the pre-season started. But listen, there's a reason why the Jones family brought me in, okay? That's because I'm here to lead this football team. That's because they trust me. This ain't gonna be an easy game. They got a good young quarterback, Justin Herbert, okay? He's gonna go in there, and he's gonna throw the football a little bit. They run a little bit of West Coast style offense. They're gonna try and move the ball in horizontally on us, okay? They're gonna try and find a seam, open up some holes on us. Defensively, it's very, very important that we go in there. And we make a statement early on, okay? The media's doing a whole lot of this. They're talking, okay? The media's going out there. They're talking the whole damn time, saying this team, this defense, can't keep up with the offense. They're saying that offensively, we're fine. You know, Sue Mandat comes back, and he's doing all good. But they're saying our defense ain't shit. We gotta prove them wrong, okay? So go out there, execute the game plan, play Cavalier football, and we're gonna go win the damn game, okay? All right, break them out, let's go. I'm gonna give you the easy walkthrough of how football works. Right now, we're on first down. Wow, it's got glasses. So what a down is an attempt. And you have four tries, you have four attempts to try and get to that orange line. That orange line is the first down marker. That means one of you get to that orange line at reset. So that was second down in one, and that is a fumble. So we just got a fumble, and we got the ball back, okay? So that was big time. We hit him so hard that he dropped the football. So I'll continue explaining why I'm on offense now, because we got the football back. I will go one, two, three, four downs to try and get that orange, really three downs. On fourth down, I have an opportunity to either punt the football away, which is more of a defensive move to get better field position for our defense, or I can kick a field goal and try and kick it through those yellow uprights right there and try and get three points if we're close enough. Nice, okay. My own lineman just freaking pinging me. What was that? Nice. Cooper, Amari Cooper. Injury timeout. David DeCastro. Remember, we reduced his injury rating because he's injury prone in real life. Brick, Bruce Sternum will not be able to return for this game, okay? So we already lost our new lineman. Good play. Good deed, dude. I like running a lot of what is called a 46 defense. Oh my gosh. And in a 46 defense, it is a variation of the 4-3, where you bring your strong safety down into the box, the box being the area around the offensive line, and so you bring a defensive back to the strong safety, and he's almost like a fourth linebacker. It's so weird seeing them wear different numbers because they changed the NFL numbers. Randy Gregory is injured, okay. Another injury timeout. Oh my gosh, dude. Oh my gosh. And the tackle made it the 13. He just punched him in the face. Play action. Oh, yes. Gosh, what a catch. Oh my, hold your block. What is that? Who has sprinkled? We got frickin', what? Like, what? I swear, sprinkle. Dude, we got frickin' Baskin' Robbins out there blocking for us at tight end. It's okay. We're gonna carry a field ball and we're gonna make it one touchdown game right here. Ready? Unless the legend of Lake Travis has something to say about it. He's gonna say, no, coach, I got this. I'm gonna hand it off to this guy and he's gonna get... Is that sprinkle again? We have 28 seconds left in the half. Go deep, go deep. What are you doing? I'm gonna kick a field ball. I'm just gonna, I'm gonna be smart about this. We have Greg's warline. We're gonna kick a field ball. We're gonna go into the half. Three points. Easy. Boom. That's a good first half of football. But listen, if you think that was our best half of football that you could have possibly played, put your hands up for me. Y'all think that's the best half of football you could have possibly played. Listen, I don't know if y'all need a little bit of confidence boost or a reality check. But I'll tell you, that was not the best first half of football you could play. No, it's Sprinkles. I need to sit out. Someone shit in the showers and smeared it all over the walls. I slipped in it and gave myself a dick strain. Please don't send me back to the ice cream factory. Whee. Listen, Sprinkles. Coach, I've got some dipendots in my locker melting. Let's make this quick. Listen, that ain't no dipendots. That's the damn explosive diarrhea that Sprinkles just had in the middle of the damn 20-yard line. Listen, Sprinkles unhinged the damn trailer, son. Unhinged the damn trailer. You're an NFL athlete. That was the slowest damn run I've ever seen. One, two, are you locking out there or are you trying to titty-bump someone? You got to block. That is what you do in the NFL tonight. Y'all just keep talking about ice cream the whole damn time. We do not... You can't expect to get ice cream when you're playing football like this. Listen, you win this damn Super Bowl and then we'll talk, okay? I expect better football than what happened in that first half. Yes, we're up one touchdown. Only one. It's zero to zero at half. It's zero to zero at half as far as I'm concerned. Because this game can go either way. This game can easily go either way. Coach, it's seed. Am I going to be able to get extra butter on my popcorn? See, you're about to get an extra can of whoop-ass. I know I ain't been here for long, okay? I know Craig Weird ain't been here for too long, but listen to me, son. We've got a chain of coals around here, but let's go out there, let's get after it. Deck, break them out. Somebody needs to get open. Oh, no. Oh, my gosh. What? That was a massive hit, dude. Just executed. I think it's a run. I think it's a run. Counter to the right side. No, it's a pop. Just getting... Frick. Oh, yes. Let's go, Schultz. Okay, no shakes. Dude, I do need a good tie-in on this roster, though. But I understand why the app... Catch the damn ball, Schultz! What the frick? Nice, big sack, dude. Oh, God, oh, God. Oh, no! He dropped it! When the ball was in the air, he was... Oh, look at that, dude. The collision with the receiver actually knocked the football out. No way. That's so badass. That gives you a way to defend against picks. That's game. That's game chat. Hey, that's game. We gotta run it out. I'm just trying to score a touchdown. How do y'all help a game, yeah? Yeah, absolutely, yeah. Thank y'all for cheering and being so supportive of us, as the media always is, and never makes up no damn bullshit. I am happy with how the fell has played today. I think that we could have done a little bit better than that. I ain't satisfied. And that's the important thing. It's knowing that we can do better. Hey, coach, Sprinkles paid me $100 for this question. What flavor of ice cream are we getting? Sprinkles is a dumbass. Sprinkles is a dad-gum jackass. He probably is not even going to be on this roster come next week, just to be completely honest with you. Now, I don't want to start no rumors or nothing, so I want to be very specific that I am definitely thinking about cutting his ass. I think if you're an NFL athlete, you've got to be able to unhitch the trailer. I mean, it's like he's out there turning like he's a dad-gum 18-wheeler with 100 horsepower. It's the most disgusting thing I'd ever seen. Defensively, I think we need to lock up our secondary a little bit. Justin Herbert went out there, and he was honestly passing all over us. We didn't really have any turnovers, but they didn't push the ball downfield on us, neither. So I was really happy with that. What we're probably going to have to focus on is we're going to have to focus on opening up some running lanes. We may come in with a different kind of game plan offensively to be able to open up the run a little bit. Coach, Cindy from BuzzFeed News. Can you comment on the reason your predecessor was fired? Yes, ma'am. Because he was two hands on with the team's butts if you know what I mean. No, no, ma'am. It's reported he would scream slap-ass. Each time and the boys feared the locker crawl. No, ma'am. That's a figure of speech. That was not what happened. I'm not here to discuss what happened with the previous regime. All I know is what's happened since I stepped in this locker room, and there's been none of that hanky-panky going on.