 RCA Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music, and first in television, presents the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show. Enjoyment here is the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show, written by Ray Singer and Dick Chevrolet, with Elliot Lewis, Walter Tetley, Robert Norris, Janine Ruse, and Whitfield, Walter Sharf and his music, and yours truly, Bill Foreman. Next Saturday, the University of Southern California plays UCLA in their big traditional football game. The whole thing was almost canceled out, thanks to Phil and Frankie. But more about this later, now a word from RCA Victor. The years RCA has spent developing the field of electronics, the untold millions of dollars RCA has spent in research have resulted in the discovery of a completely new circuit system for television home receivers. This new circuit system, with an electronic supercharger, now brings you television with picture power. And now, RCA Victor is the first to bring you 21 inch supersets with picture power. There's the RCA Victor Suffolk, the Clarendon, Donnelly, and Rockingham, for example, four magnificently styled 21 inch supersets. And each brings in the sharpest, most detailed big pictures you've ever seen. There's virtually no interference in any television area, city or country, thanks to picture power. They're superb, one and all. See them for yourself. And remember, when you buy RCA Victor Television, ask about the RCA Victor Factory Service Contract. When you buy RCA Victor Television with RCA Factory Service, you get television's greatest combination, offered by RCA Victor, cornerstone of home entertainment for three generations. And now the stars of the RCA Victor program, Alice Faye and Phil Harris. For the past few weeks, Alice has noticed that Phil has been very preoccupied. Lately, it has gotten to the point where he doesn't seem to know what's going on around him. He's in the daze, absent-minded, and being a little concerned, Alice has decided to talk to him about it. Phil? Phil! Phyllis, will you answer the phone? How can you stand that shrill ringing? Daddy, it's mother calling. Well, bring the phone over here. I'll talk to her. Oh, Phil, I'm right here, and I want to talk with you. I haven't got time now, miss. My wife's on the phone. Phil, I'm your wife. Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, sure. Hiya, Sophie. Oh, Phil, what's wrong with you? He's gone nuts. That miniature brain is finally snapped. I told you the day you married him, Alice. You keep out of this, Willie. I'm sorry, Alice. It's just that I got something on my mind. Well, Phil, what's bothering you? I don't know. I don't know. I'm dissatisfied lately. I'm not happy with my radio show. Well, you're not the only one, Phillip. Sponsor's unhappy with it. NBC's unhappy with it. The public's unhappy with it. I- All right, all right. I'll leave me alone, will you? Yes, Uncle Willie. You stop picking on our daddy. He's just nervous because he's overworked. That's telling him, Alice. After all, there aren't very many men who work as hard for a half hour every week as daddy does. Yeah, do you think it's pleasant for him to have to come down to the studio every Sunday afternoon when he could be out playing polo? Polo? Oh, honey, that's a typographical error. It's supposed to be pool. Leave it like it. Phil, why don't you like our radio show? Oh, honey, don't say that. I like it. I love it. But it's just that I miss the thrill and excitement of playing to a large theater full of people, like I used to do when I was in vaudeville. What's vaudeville, daddy? Vaudeville, my child, was a form of entertainment that they say was killed by a lot of corny acts that nobody will ever see again unless they have a television set. Gee, that reminds me. It's time for the continental. Come on, Phyllis. Let's go in and watch it on our new RCA Victor 17-inch picture power television set. Yes, the set that brings in a good picture, even if you live in a fringe area. This is made possible by the electronic genius of the RCA engineers. Thank you and bless your commercial little heart. I never knew you were in vaudeville, Phillip. Never know. Are you kidding? I've been to the show business since I was a baby. My mother was in it before me. My grandmother was, look, I don't want to brag, but grandma was the first Indian girl to appear in burlesque. Mamusa was the original Cherokee strip. Oh, Phillip, you are a witt. Think so? Mm-hmm. You have a way of taking an old joke and making it sound just like an old joke. Now, Phil, this restless feeling is just a stage you're going through. Now, wait a minute. No, it isn't because I was talking to Frankie the other day and he thinks I ought to get back in front of the public, too. Said I could make a lot of money on personal appearances and he's right because, come in. After all, honey, I'm a big name. I'm in demand. I could go- Hi here, Curly. Hi here. What's the matter with you? You look tired. I am. I'm exhausted. On the way over, I picked up four college girls, gave them a lift. Well, why should that tire you? I haven't got a car. It ain't easy carrying those names piggyback. Wait a minute. Frankie, Frankie, where did you ever meet college girls? On the campus at the University of Southern California. Now, what were you doing at the university? Oh, Alice, haven't you heard? He's majoring in French. He wants to be able to read the labels on Cognac bottle. Please, Curly, no levity or I won't tell you what I was doing out there. I won't tell you the good news. Good news? What good news? You've been wanting to earn some money making personal appearances, so I talked to the dean at the university and got your job. Oh, kid. What kind of a job? You're going to do a benefit at a football rally. Benefit? Wait a minute. I ain't working for nothing. You better take it, Curly. You're not much in demand. I had a tough time selling you at that price. I think they got a lot of nerve. That's what I. Oh, Phil, you should feel flattered they asked for you. They didn't exactly ask for him. They wanted you, Alice, and I told them you wouldn't appear any place without your straight man. Oh, they wanted me, huh? Well, when is this football rally, Frankie? It's tonight. What's the rally for? It's for the USC UCLA. Stop spelling things out in front of me. I'm old enough to know. You guys do that all the time. Curly, those are two different colleges. Oh, oh. It's the University of Southern California that wants you to appear at their rally. I think you ought to show up. You'll get a lot of publicity. Yeah, but I ain't getting no money. Oh, Phil, don't be so mercenary. After all, what's money? Money, my dear, is to stop that your side of the mattress is so loaded with that when we go to bed, I'm sleeping three decks below you. Is her side really that high, Curly? One night she fell off and broke three of my ribs. Oh, dear, you're not supposed to sleep on my right. You're not supposed to sleep on your left side. I'm over on it. I stop. Look, Phil, I'm serious about tonight. I think you ought to show up. Yeah, it'll be a nice gesture for those college kids. Besides, they're sending a student committee over to see if they're safe. Look, Remly, I don't care who they're sending over. I ain't appearing at no rally for free, and I'm not going, and nobody's going to make me. Hey, that may be the committee. I certainly hope it is. I'll tell them off. Remly, you better take Alice in the other room. They might be bloodshed. They got a lot of nerve asking me to come down here, trying to get me to go to a rally and not even offering me a cent. You guys are wasting your time. I ain't going. Hello, Curly. We're from Southern California. Oh, my, but you're big, strong, attractive. Don't try nothing, lady. I'm a hundred years old. What's the matter with you? I ain't working for nothing, and he ain't nobody going to. Oh, Laurie, isn't he adorable? Oh, yes, and so handsome. And there'll be 200 beautiful girls at the rally, and they'll all be fighting to dance with him. I don't care if there's going to. 200 beautiful girls? At least 200. What do you say, Curly? Wait, I'll get my ride, you tall, and go with you. Oh, you wouldn't disappoint us, you lovely man. Hey, Curly, was that the committee who-who-who-who-who-who? It's a red-eyed owl that just flew in. We're measuring for the mantelpiece. We're going to have them stuck. My name is Frankie Remly, girls. You mean you're THE Frankie Remly? Famous guitar virtuoso? Star of the RCA Victor radio program, and discover of such great personalities as Phil Harris Alice Bay and Bing Crosby? Wherever did you get that impression of me? That's what your card said, the one you left with the dean. Francis. Curly. She must be thinking of another Frankie Remly. I wouldn't have a card printed like that. Oh, but you did. I have it right here with me. Let me see that. Curly, I'll give you my- Quiet. Let me read it. Discover of Phil Harris, Alice Bay and Bing Crosby, also founder of the North Pole. Head brain surgeon at the Mayo Clinic, and co-designer of the non-skid Rubber Mat. Well, if you read that much, you might as well finish it. Well, that's all there is. That's all why that crooked printer he left out chief of counter espionage for His Majesty the Tsar. Heads shall roll for this, the salt mines. Quiet, Rastro. Look, kids, I'll be glad to appear for you tonight. By the way, who's sponsoring this rally? The girls at Ada Sigma Pi. Oh, good, good. Great audiences, them Greek waitresses. You know, they're a nice bunch of girls. They like me too, you see, because I'm a big tipper, and I've never pinched a waitress while she's carrying the tray. I wouldn't make you pay. You know, I've always been sure. Mr. Harris, Ada Sigma Pi is a sorority. Oh, oh, Ada, certainly. You see, it's been so long since I've been to college. I've forgotten about the one I belong to. You belong to a sorority? Mr. Harris, are you sure you went to college? Oh, yeah, yeah. Fact is, Frank and I here, we were classmates. Where are we, Frankie? If you say so. Well, what was the name of the college? Oh, the name, well, it's, what was the name of that joint, anyway, run me? Heidelberg. That's it, Heidelberg. Why did you go all the way to Germany to attend college? Oh, well, Heidelberg, that's where we went. Well, why did you go to Germany to attend college? We like warm beer. We might as well have missed it anyway. It didn't mean a thing. Did we like the warm beer? Oh, Heidelberg has always sounded so romantic. Tell me, Mr. Harris, is it as romantic as they say? I'll do leave a yaw. For romance, this is a play. We must all know I'm the football team. I was the head back. You tell them there about it. I'm crying to feel. Shut up. Oh, it really must have been exciting, Curly. I can see that you did a lot of dueling when you were there. Dueling? What makes you say that? Well, your face is full of saber scars. Oh, yes, yes. Those are German scarves, better known as American wrinkles. I don't think that's funny, Mr. Remley. Curly doesn't have wrinkles. Thank you, dear. I only hope when my daddy reaches your age that she looks half as good. Just for that, lady, I hope UCLA scores eight touchdowns against your school in the first quarter. Oh, I know you don't really mean that, Mr. Harris. Well, we have to run along now. Margie and I will pick you up at 7 o'clock and take you over to the rally. OK, girls, thank you. We'll see you at 7. Goodbye. Goodbye, Curly. Hey, Ralph. Aren't they cute children? Yeah, adorable, Todd. You know, Frankie, I'm only going tonight because I always get a big kick out of watching these youngsters enjoy themselves. Me too. The fact that they happen to be pretty girls has nothing to do with it. Heavens, no! Well, Curly, now that you've decided to go, what excuse are you going to give Alice for changing your mind? I don't have to make any excuses. I'll just tell her the truth. Come on, let's tell her. Oh, Alice! What is it, Bill? Oh, there you are. Look, honey, I've been thinking about that rally tonight. So have I. I've changed my mind about it. So have I. I've seen the light and I'm gone. I've seen the girls and you ain't. Oh, so you saw them, huh? That's right, I saw them. Hey, look, Alice, I'm not going just because there's going to be pretty girls there. What's the matter? Don't you trust me, honey? Oh, of course I do, darling. If you want to go, you can go. Well, I trust you implicitly. I know you won't look at any of those girls because I'm going to be there with you to see that you don't. Oh, that's right. You're going to be there, too. Oh, well, we'll have fun anyway. All they want from you is entertainment. Hey, entertainment, hey, I've got to do A-R-A-R-A. What do you think I ought to do when I get there? Anything. Juggle, do card tricks, dance and play the spoons at the same time? Not a dancer. I'm a singer. All right, sing and play the spoons at the same time. Look, I'm just going to sing. And incidentally, it's my new RCA Victor record. And I better rehearse it right now. Would you? Yeah. I'm called up to tell you that I'm rugged, but right. A ramblin' and a gamblin' man. I'm free every night. I eat, I fold, I stay, I stay three times a day from my board. More than any gal in this whole town can afford. I got a big electric fan to keep me cool when I sleep. My mattress stuffed with dollar bills to tickle my feet. My motto is love them, and leave them, and break them, and leave them, and break them, and ride. I just called up to tell you that I'm rugged, but right. My house was bought with pawn shop tickets, red, white, and blue. My clothes are made of tiger skins right out of the zoo. I got a lot of money in the bank. I made it myself. The hearts of all my girlfriends lie and ride on my shelf. The girls all stop and whistle every time I go by. But I'm pretty darned particular. I'm telling no lie. I'm in there wheeling and dealing and really appealing and high as a kite. Come on, let's fly together, because I'm rugged, but right. You caused me plenty worry, put some gray in my hair. You got the lips that sunk the ships of England, France, and Peru. But I am like Napoleon, because you're my Waterloo. I'd like a 15-minute admission in U-48. I'd love to make it longer, but I got a late date. My morals have always been gone with the wind, so let's breeze it tonight. I just called up to tell you that I'm rugged, but right. Overdue it, because I really overdue it last night. But at the rally, don't sing so loud. You'll drown out the spoons. I didn't hear them at all. Phil, do you think you ought to do that song tonight? Why not? I think when them college girls hear me do that, they'll be drooling all over them chrysanthemums. Man, I'll curl their little bobby socks. I'll have them twisted with a worm. Oh, listen to this red-skinned rave. I can't stand any more of this. I'm going upstairs. And Phil, with all those young college boys around, the girls aren't even going to look at a couple of old men like you and Frankie. Curly, I don't like your wife's causticity. It doesn't be fitter. Well, she just had it made, and it looks a little bulky under there. Don't wear it down. Don't worry about it. It'll be all right. You know something, Remly, I'm just thinking, you know that Alice is right? Well, listen to me. Compared to those college kids, we're going to... We are. We're going to look a little old. We don't have to. We don't. What do you mean? When we go to the rally tonight, let's act like college kids. Let's dress and talk the way they do. Yeah, it sounds very good. It's great. But how do college kids dress and talk? Don't you remember our band used to play a lot of college dances? That was 25 years ago. So what? College kids are college kids. They don't change. They don't change at all. They don't change at all. Hey, then I got a great idea. What's that? You know something? I still have our old band outfits in the trunk upstairs. We can dress up and then... Well, what are we waiting for? Well, let's go get them and away we go. Hey, Remly. Hey, let's show Alice what the well-dressed college man looks like. Right. Collegiate. Collegiate. Yes, we are collegiate. Nothing intermediate. We're collegiate rah, rah, rah. Oh, rah. You fellas are kidding. What are you made up for? What on earth are you wearing? Keddon, what's Keddon? These are college clothes. Oh, no. Certainly we've got the striped blazers, bell-bottom trousers, jazz bow ties, and the pork pie hats with the turned-up brim. Not to mention our raccoon coats, two muted ukuleles and a set of canoe cushions. Well, I'm not going any place with you looking like that. Well, what's the matter with the way I look? This is my flaming youth outfit. Well, that's a novelty. A flaming youth outfit on a pile of old ashes. Get off those ridiculous raccoon coats. We will. Not whoever heard of a college boy without a raccoon coat. Oh, Remly. Hey, that must be the girls now. Now, look, let's Charleston to the door. Let them in, right? Right. Charleston, Charleston. Oh, yeah, brother. Help! Miss Faye, call off your dogs. Neither one of these shaggy-munch-vites-meal sue you. All right, wait a minute. We're not dogs. It's me and Mr. Remly. How did you get so hairy? It's not hair, it's raccoon fur. Oh, when did that start growing on you? Don't be a wise guy. We're dressed like this for a reason. We've been asked to appear at SC. Well, it's about time the sanitation commission got after you. Look, grocery boy, we're talking about the University of Southern California now beaded, will you, because we want to get... Hey, Curly, that must be our date. Julius, hey, get lost. We don't want the girls to see you. What girls? A couple of sorority girls are coming over to take us to the college. You mean they're going to be seen in public with you two? Of course. These initiations are getting tougher every year. Will you be quiet, Julius? Hey, Remly, yeah, now open the door and remember, if we want to make an impression on these college girls, we got to act a part. Okay. Straight on in, Sheba. Your chic is waiting for you. Don't stand there, flappers. Black bottom over to your cake-eaters. Well, ain't they jazzy tonight? Mr. Harris, well, what are those ridiculous outfits you and Mr. Remly are wearing? Campus tops, baby, campus tops. Ain't they the cats' pajamas? Cats' pajamas? Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's college talk. Hey, lay a little of that talk on them, Remly. Okey-dokey, hot, diggity dog, and so's your old man. Make a 23-skidoo, oh, you kid, and tarara, boom, the eggs. Curly, you're going back a little too far. Oh, fellas, surely you don't expect us to go out with your dress like this. There's nothing wrong with the way your dress. Come on, let's get started. Yeah, we've got to hurry. On the way over, I want to stop at my bootlegger. Remly, please. I want to order some boots. Oh, boots. Well, we won't be able to take you. You see, we don't have room in our car. Don't let it worry your pretty little head. I got a big Cadillac. Oh, that ain't collegiate, fellas. You should have a hot rod. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Oh, gee whiz, we've got to have a hot rod, but we ain't got one. Well, uh, Harris, can you wait 15 minutes? Yeah, we've got to wait for Alice to finish dressing anyway. Now, hurry it up, will you, Julius? Hey, in the meantime, we'll entertain the girls. You ready, Remly? Yeah. One, two. You've got to be a football hero. Ah, to get along with a wild little girl. And every girl has a bread for Harvard. And every girl has eyes of blue for him. Yes, yes, it's getting awfully late. Mr. Harris, why don't you and Mr. Remly wait for the hot rod? And Ms. Fay will go ahead with us in our car. No, no, no, no, no. Now, we've got to do this right. Look, we'll all go in a hot rod as soon as Julius gets here. Hey, in the meantime, I'll keep you flappers amused with another funny story. Oh, please, Phil, you've told us every peach is browning joke there is. No, no, no. You see, honey, this one's about Gertrude and Lee. It seems that this dame was putting a grease on getting ready to swim that channel. Hey, wait a minute. I'll tell it to you later. Hold it. That must be Julius. Come on in, kids. Let's go out and pile on that hot rod. Come on, let's go. Well, you're all set, Mr. Harris. I've got your hot rod. Good boy, Julius. Where is it? Right here at the crib. How do you like it? How do you get hurt? What a broken... Julius. That's my new Cadillac. Looks good would defend us off, don't it? Well, what did you do that for? How else can you make it look sporty, don't it? Julius, you've got the top down. What's wrong with that? It's a sedan. Oh, no. You little so-and-so, look what you did. You ruined it completely. Don't get it for this. I ought to break your... Snappy slogan on it. What snappy slogan? Crime in peaches, here's your can. Going with those two characters. I don't blame you. I wouldn't be found dead with those two corn balls. Come on, girls. We'll go to the rally alone. Goodbye, Phil. See you in the morning. But, Alice, wait a minute. I'm not Alice. Remly, they don't want us. How do you like that? We could all dress up for the occasion and no place to go and we're just going to... All right, take it easy. Take it easy, Frank. Hey, I'll tell you what. You still got them canoe cushions? Yeah. Well, then come on. I'll take you for a paddle in MacArthur Park. How cozy. Wait, I got a better idea. What? Let's go back in your house and make a batch of bathtub gin. Jumping Jupiters. What a peachy idea. Phil will be back in just a moment. Now you can enjoy the music you want when you want it. Now you can enjoy it at its best. With RCA Victor's modern system of recorded music, the 45. The moment you listen to RCA Victor's 45 system of recorded music, you'll recognize in a flash the beauty of life-like clarity and unblemished overtones. And you'll agree the 45 system sounds better. It plays easier, too. Take RCA Victor's new Victrola 45 personal phonograph, for example. It's versatile and practical. It's neat and compact. Why the Victrola 45 personal phonograph even has a convenient carrying handle. And if you buy the Victrola 45 personal phonograph now, if you buy any RCA Victor instrument that plays 45s exclusively, you'll receive at no extra cost over $6 worth of record albums. So take advantage of this terrific bonus offer brought to you by RCA Victor. Cornerstone of home entertainment for three generations. You were a wonderful audience, folks. I'll see you a little late. Thank you and good night, everybody. This program is produced and directed by Paul Phillips, concluded in today's cast with Barbara Eiler and Gloria Grant. Remember whether you're buying a television set, a radio, a Victrola phonograph or records, put your faith in the cornerstone of American home entertainment for three generations. RCA Victor, world leader in radio, first in television. Next, the Theatre Guild stars Claudette Colbert and Gregory Rathoff on NBC.