 Today's show is brought to you by ZipCar.com. Earn $25 of free driving credit at JoinZipCar.com forward slash David Feldman show. The David Feldman radio program is made possible by listeners like you. You sad pathetic humps. Joining us now are two very funny comedians, Lance Weese at LanceWeese.com. Very funny comedian. I haven't seen you in a while. I know, thanks. I appreciate it. And Gandhi Is That You is just an amazing show that you produce. That is a show that our other guests and I co-produce together. Yes, and our other guest is Brandon Fitzgibbons. Yes. This is his series. I hope I'm pronouncing this properly. Alter Natino. Alter Natino. How does it pronounce? Alter Natino. Alter Natino I think is a spice in Costa Rica. Is that comedy central? Yes. Dot com. And it's a cartoon? No, it's like a sketch series. So you do sketch comedy? Yeah. Wow. Lance Weese was with us last time and we didn't have too much time to talk. We had a good time last time. We got Side Trek and Josh Comers is here. You are a writer for The Tonight Show and one of the great joke writers we've ever had on the show. Thanks, man. I'm also a proud first responder. I just want to point that out. What do you mean you were a first? I was a first responder at the trade. At the World Trade Center? Yeah. Is it cool? Really? Yeah. Really? So... No. It was the start of the beginning where I was born in Philadelphia. I didn't know that Josh was a first responder. Lance, you don't get the joke. You don't remember? I would not have resented the joke. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tell us what happened. I would not have resented it. They would have put me up to that. Yeah, the last... I was not a first responder. So the last time I was on it, we had the other guest who was a first responder in the 9-11. Was he a real... Was he a real lander? Yeah. Okay. Was he a real first responder? Yeah. Oh, man. So the show starts. You know, it's just four douchebag comedians. We're going to make fun of what's going on. Then he drops the... I was there at the World Trade Center and helping out. And I just couldn't let go of it. Yeah. And you never get... That's super interesting. It was super interesting. Well, it's kind of hard to talk about it. If somebody... You can't really pass over it. Yeah. Yeah, you can. Let's do it. Like it. What do you guys want to talk about? When did you first start joking about 9-11? That's actually a great question. I used to have this Rudy Giuliani 9-11 joke that I was super proud of. That was pretty early on. I was going forward immediately, man. Seriously? Pretty close. I mean, I feel like people... Now it just seems like... People are like, I've heard a lot of 9-11 jokes. I heard a funny one a long time ago. Were you doing comedy in New York at the time? One that always stuck with me. I don't know why this always makes me laugh. But it was someone... A comic said, I masturbate in every day, but 9-11... I don't know why that always... I think about that all the time. It makes me laugh. I don't think I have any. You probably did. Well, why did he... Oh, he stopped masturbating at 9-11 because... To show reverence for the day. So that's the deal. Like, he's showing his reverence. I thought he shot his wide. Oh, no. He didn't have to masturbate because when he saw it on TV... It's a different take. It's a different take. What's the best 9-11 joke you've heard? I feel like you've heard some great ones, man. Well, I did one, speaking of Paul Provenza, on Green Room, that people keep mentioning, which is my... I've done this on stage. It doesn't work too well south of 14th Street. You mean what all the comedy clubs are? I say my wife was in the South Tower. I don't know. I can't laugh about 9-11. My wife was in the South Tower that day. And I remember she kissed me goodbye and borrowed my palm pilot. And I can't find... I went down there when they were cleaning up. They could not find my palm pilot. What kind of sick guy would take my wife and my palm pilot off the list of all my old girlfriends in it? I mean, what a current... It's like a Twilight Zone episode. It's like Burgess Meredith stepping on his glasses in the Twilight Zone. Like my dream came true. She's dead. But now I can't find... Now, I know it's not the only pilot they couldn't find. But this palm pilot for me is very important. The other one, but enough time has passed, is somebody put up... This is really bad taste. I can't even do it. It's too bad taste. Go ahead, Lance. I don't have any jokes I don't think. I had a 9-12 joke. I crushed. Where were you at on 9-11? I was in... I think... What was that? You were senior high school, right? I was a junior. I was a senior in high school. Really? Yeah, dude. How's that possible? And Josh Comers, you pulled a muscle, I believe, on 9-11 dancing on a rooftop. Yeah, yeah. I was pumping my fist, actually. Where were you on 9-11? I was home. I was a temp and I didn't get called in. Because you're Jewish and you got the note from Israel. Yeah, we got the heads up. Don't come in. He has got the tip. The hot tip. Yeah, don't come in. Say it is. The hot tip. It's going to be trouble today. I wrote a few jokes about it, but I actually got one on the last roast, which I found at the Bieber roast. I remember someone saying in the writer's room, yeah, he did. Instead, I died on 9-11. I was like, oh, my gosh, wow, that's terrible. I guess we can't touch that, of course. And they were like, oh, no, totally. It's fair game. I was like, oh, wow. Okay. And then it became the focal point. Everybody's writing like 20, 9-11 jokes about his father dying. I know he has jokes about it, too, but it was opened up and that was it. So I had one that Jimmy Carr used. I think I'm allowed to say that. I just did. It was actually acknowledging that there were so many jokes about Pete's dad in the roast. It was like, hey, what is going on here? This isn't the roast of Pete's dad. That was in 2001. Mine was and didn't get picked was Pete lost his father on 9-11. But every morning when he looks in the mirror, he sees, he's reminded of his father because his face looks like round zero. It's kind of crazy that every writer there took so many swings at it. Yeah. And he's totally cool with it. But that's the magic of the roast. That context, anything goes. It's also time, too, don't you guys think that time has helped? This was seven years ago that we probably wouldn't be going in as hard on you. Tragedy plus time? Good old Pete. To me, comedy is tragedy plus I don't give a shit. Yeah. That's awesome. If it's happening, if it doesn't affect me, it's just... Well, David, you had my favorite Trump joke of this whole entire election season. You did it at Gandhi, the white supremacist joke. Oh, right. Thank you. Thank you. That joke burned our room down. That was so funny, man. That he makes me ashamed to call myself a white supremacist. Oh, God. That was fantastic. Well, let's talk about Mr. Trump, because we got a couple more days before the election. Yeah. And I think after, you know, on November 10th, that's it. The Trump jokes are going to be... The expiration... Oh, yeah. It's just going to be... You think it doesn't matter if he wins or not? They're done? Well, I don't think he's going to win. But I think I just can't imagine Trump jokes having any... We're going to be... Aren't you tired of Trump already? I don't know. I mean, sure, it's a lot. Who doesn't want to tire seeing his face? It's everywhere, but it's going to be... I don't know. He'll be around, I think, still. He'll get a TV show, he'll do something, and he'll be around. And we'll still... The jokes will still be there. Yeah. I think you're right. They will still be there in some way. I mean, even though we're completely sick of it. Honestly, I feel like this last year, I'm not a... I'm not a comedy writer. I'm a Trump joke writer. Honestly, my job, it's so much jokes about him, and he gives and gives and gives. It's in the same way that all his scandals and all these terrible things come out. You don't even know where to focus. There's so many... It's almost like he has a box, and then right when you're like, well, now he just whips another thing out of the box, and you're like, there you go. There's another week for you. There's another one for you. Yeah. There's no way, everyone's like, this has been a chill end of the election. I'm like, there's eight days left, nine days. There's so much more shit's going to come out. There has to be... I'm excited. It's going to be a wild at the last. I feel like it's going to be by the hour. There's going to be new... Just Clinton and Trump going back and forth with each other. Just allegations beyond the... I can't wait. But does this change the voting at all? Even with the Hillary emails tied to Wiener, which is a very vague connection that Trump is... you know, cheerleading about. I mean, is this going to really change anybody's mind? Everyone's mind is made up at this point. I think more people are going to vote for Trump than we think. I feel like people are going to get there. Right now they're like, hi, Hillary. And then you go on the booth. You're like, ah, fuck it. Let's see what happens. Let's go for Trump. Let's just see what's down there. I do think it's like a closet Trump blower. I don't vote. I don't believe any of it's real. That's the whole different story. I do think it's like a vote for Trump is like kicking your foot through the glass window, man. Like, fuck you. I can do what I want. That's true. I mean, more people will do that than we realize for sure. Are you registered? I don't believe so. As a sex offender. Yes, of course. You know, I actually am voting for the first time in New York. You are? Yeah. It was kind of easy to do it. To register? Yeah. I didn't think I would be able to register as many names. I'm voting five times. No, it is. It's all for the same person or you can do three and two. No, I was surprised. You know, you can... It's not that difficult to register to vote. Yeah. It's easy, yeah, when you're voting for Gary Johnson five times to register that. Are you voting for Gary? No. Who are you voting for? I don't know yet, man. Jill Stein? You like Jill Stein. I'm not going to vote for Trump. That's for sure. I have a lot of issues with Hillary. I really don't like her. But I think Trump's the worst. Why don't you like Hillary? I think she... By the way, that's the voice of Brandon Fitzgibbons. Feel free to trash me, which I'm sure I will. He's the star of Alter Natino. Who came up with that name? It's a Latin based sketch show. It's my friend Arturo Castro's show, so he came up with it. Alternative. Yeah, so yeah. You racist? No, no, no, no. Although I do have a plan to save time to combine the word Latino with Hispanics. What's the difference between Hispanic and Latino? That's a good question. Do we know? Don't make a joke. Don't make a joke. Don't make a joke. I'm sorry. My self... What would that area be? I'm not going to do it. I think there is a difference. I think you can be... I think if you're Cuban, you're not a Latino, right? I'm not a geography major. Lance isn't so much... I really don't know as much as maybe people... You're from Georgia, right? Originally, yeah. And what part of Georgia? Around Savannah. Uh-huh. Yeah, way down. What's the... You have a funny county. Where? Where I'm... It's a funny sounding... Like Moosehead or... Bucks County? Buckhead? Buckhead. That's in Atlanta. That's kind of a wealthy Atlanta suburb. And why is it called Buckhead? I have no idea. I'm assuming maybe there's deer around there? Oh, yeah. If I had to guess. Oh. It's all a Barsard stuff. I was actually there. Yeah. I was at the Olympics. No, it's like a... Oh, yeah, me too. You were in 96? Yeah. Hey, me as well. What event were you in? The trash can explosion. Yeah. I was in the dashing away from the trash can. I went to... He was innocent. Richard Jule. Richard Jule. You know one of the hardest tickets to get at the Olympics was... He was great at the Colter Rose, though, Richard Jule. Did she use any of your jokes? Jule. Oh, Jule? Yeah, she did. Oh. What water thing? One that I was really proud of. Let me try to shit. It's hard to remember on the spot. There's something about... Oh, David Spade's assistant attacked him. I guess the stress of taking two phone calls a month really got to him. That's great. Oh, my God. Go ahead. She delivered it better. Jule just great, great common delivery. Yeah. Go ahead. So, thanks, man. Getting table tennis tickets is actually the hardest thing at the Olympics. I was able to see the dream team, but everyone wanted to see the table tennis. Is it because there's a small arena? Yeah, that's a good call. Is that why? Yeah. Pretty good. Is table tennis an Olympic event? Yeah, it is. Yeah. Definitely. It's like there's the Chinese people hitting it. Ping-pong. Oh, that was David Spade. Oh, shit. I was waiting for it. I was waiting for it. I was waiting for it. I mean, I just read one. I was just waiting for it. It was probably a sport that was invented in America, but China figured this must be ours if it's called ping-pong. What? Oh, that's great. Good stuff, man. Thanks. Yeah, really great. Really great. Josh, you're voting? I am, yeah, I'm voting. I mean, I think I'm pretty sure I'm registered. I wind up every election. I've somehow fucked up, and I didn't register, or I have to, I don't know, I shut up their names. My name's not on the list. Every year. I'm like, what are you talking about? No, there must be a mistake, and I'm embarrassed. So you're not sure yet? No, I registered. You have this great thing about registering to vote is you get called for jury duty and get to send innocent people to death row. I mean, that's the beauty of voting. Just empowering voters to kill other people. If I don't register, am I not going to have to do jury duty? No, I do. I just decide I vote just for jury duty. Because nothing relieves aggression more than sending innocent people to death. I heard it's the same thing when you shoot a gun at a gun range. It's probably a similar release. Yeah, especially if you hit a person instead of a target. How come that doesn't ever fire a gun? I have. How often? Every morning. No, no. I did it when I was like 15 in Canada at some farm. Are you Canadian? No. I went to go for a fishing trip. But yeah, people that's people say you get... I thought you go to Canada to get away from guns. Yeah, it's a good plan. Did you shoot any fish? Did you? I shot all the fish in the face. No, I shot like some tin cans. It was pretty basic shit, man. I think I've done that once. That was it. Sounds fine. I liked it. There's a lot of stuff in Georgia. Oh yeah. Growing up. Like what? Minorities. I don't even remember. Several minorities. There's a Boy Scouts. Boy Scouts in Georgia. Oh yeah. BB guns, .22s, shotguns. The Boy Scouts? Bow and arrow. In Georgia, yeah. You kidding me? In the 80s? You shot a load over this come master's face. I was like walking old ladies across the street. No, not in Georgia. It's like... You're shooting old ladies. Boy Scouts. You were a Boy Scout. Yeah. Spying off loads up there. Did you go on camping trips? We went on a lot of camping trips. And what grown man wants to take young boys dressed up in Boy Scout? I have no idea. Into the woods and sing and sit around a campfire. That is... I actually had some R.I. Tons, man. It's Georgia. It's like pretty woods. So you can get to do, like you can build fires and you can like learn to chop wood and like, you know. Yeah. David, I'll just point out that it's usually the father of one of the Boy Scouts who wants to, you know, be experienced with his son. You make it sound like it's a terrible thing. It is a terrible thing. No, why? Why is that terrible? What grown man? Just because you have urges you can't control. Doesn't mean we can't control our urges, too. Were you a Boy Scout? I was a shitty Boy Scout. Oh, you were? I remember going up. You were a Boy Scout? Well, here's the thing. Well, it was something like everyone did, like playing soccer for a year, you know. And I remember the principle of my school was that, what is it called? The headmaster. I have no idea. Yeah. Anyway, but I remember. Scout leader, troop leader? Yeah, something like that. Well, more than that. One of the top guys. But anyway, I remember there was a ceremony where we got a pin for being in it for a year. And I remember going up to receive it and I had like no badges because I had too many. He's like, yeah, your uniform's looking a little blank there, Josh. I was like, I don't need no stinking badges. Yeah, fuck you. I don't want to be here. That was a bad joke that I just made. Stinking badges, Joe. It could have just went by, dude. I know. You didn't have to be yourself up. No, that was bad. If you were Hispanic, it might have been funny. Ping-pong. You know the great thing about being a Boy Scout in the Mexican Boy Scouts? What? You don't need no stinking badges. I like Boy Scouts, man. I'm actually upset I didn't get Eagle Scout. Did you try? Oh, yeah, because I was bouncing around through a lot of troops and then they were just like, yeah. Sounds like a jail system or something. I was probably in four different Boy Scouts. Eagle Scout, that's the top, right? That's like, yeah. And what were you? You have to get it before you're 18. What were you? Oh, man, I don't even, I forget what the rank is. Black boat? There's Weebelow. Weebelow would be the bottom, right? I think there's a cub, there's a bear. Cub, yeah. The bears, those are the hairy Boy Scouts. There's a top and a bottom. There might be. There's an otter? There's an otter? Yeah, yeah. There's Weebelow. Come on. Eagle's the top. Why do you bounce around? Like, what happened? Did you get thrown out or you moved? I just never had a troop. There was a lot of troops. I was like, I wanted to learn things. I wanted to actually learn to build fire. I did learn a lot of stuff, but when it got more advanced, people were like, yeah, we're not doing that. So you have to, they just sort of dissolve and you're like, oh, well, I got a fine one that's still going? Yeah, because a lot of times it is like a dead. It's like, ah, fuck, I got to beat this chap. They don't care. They've tested all these boys already. They have different motives. So if you're trying to actually get it, it can be hard if you're troop. It's like having a teacher who doesn't care about teaching the students. They just get to the lesson. Like, if you actually want to learn stuff. I'm here to learn. I had a few troops where I, well, I'm not going to go down this road, but I grew up without a dad really. So it was like, there was a chance for me to like, you know. So did my kids. I know how tough it was for them because I was a stay at home. I met them. They seemed fine. Oh, shit. I just, I wanted to learn things. I wanted to learn. I wanted to learn things. I still love to learn things, you know. Do you mind if I ask you a question? Yeah, yeah, sure. Or is it going to be sad? Well, I don't want to, I don't want to go down my dad route too much. Just because I've done it in the past. Like I don't, but if it's, yeah, if you go ahead, we'll see what happens. What did you do to piss him off that he left? You know what I like? A friend of mine lost, I don't know if I should, a friend of mine lost a parent and the kids were there. And I don't know why, but I'm always, always tempted at the funeral to walk up to the kids and say, see what you did. See what happens when you don't listen. See this. Josh, do you have a kid? I have one boy. Yeah. Cool man. I've already left him. Children are bait and switch, by the way. How you got a one year old, right? Yeah. You think that's your life? That's not. It's a blip. It's like five years. And then the government takes them away from you. Not school. They say Mr. Feldman with child protective services. No, they, they, they grab the kid at five and then your son falls in love with boys his own age. And a real Cub Scout to me. And all of a sudden you're like, you thought, wait a second, I thought this was at least an 18 year old, 18 year gig that I was going to have with this kid. And at five they're like transfixed by other boys. That bums me out. Yeah. It's a bait and switch. You think it's your life and it's. Fuck it. I'll homeschool them. That's what I'm going to do. I had a daughter. I remember this. She went to the, uh, in Egypt. What's the American University in Egypt? She went. She was there during career square at the height of the Arab spring. Hillary Clinton was the secretary of state. Okay. And I thought it's safe, but I didn't have a choice. But she wanted to spend some time in Egypt right after the Arab spring and they were in career square. And I thought five years ago. I picked up a phone to issue an Amber alert about her. I couldn't find her. Yeah. And right as I'm on the phone with 911, I go, oh, that's right. I left her and tied up to the radiator. No. She came up like 16. She was sick. I mean, I, she was 15 or 16. And I couldn't find her and I freaked out. Yeah. And I called 911 and I, five years later, she's in Egypt, career square. And you go, you know, maybe she'll Skype tonight. Can you believe that? Can you look at your one year old son and believe that in 20 years he'll be off and you'll still be on this podcast. Yeah. No. Can you envision a time like 20 years now where he's in another country and you kind of think he's okay. How can you think that way now? You know, when you have a one year old, can't think of, you're amazed at the pace of, you know, how much they change in that short span. But no, I can't think ahead like that. Can't picture that. I wasn't a big fan of the Arab spring, but I did like the Polish summer in December. Yeah. Polish spring is in December. So Lance, you grew up in Georgia. Correct. How many generations of Georgian are you? Not a lot. Because you seem like you're from... Kentucky would be my actual... So can you trace your ancestry back to... I have one. One time my family, my great-grandfather was a stowaway and a ship from Italy and came into Ellis Island. How many years ago that was? And on my other side of the family, Kentucky is like the roots and just like... Like Jesse... Who's the train robber? Jesse James? Yeah. Is that a train robber? He's in our family like history, if you go back that way. Like a bunch of just country people. I mean, the country people. What does that mean, the country people? Not New York City. Just, yeah. Like my one whole time, my family, it's like Missouri, Kentucky, Tennessee, like that kind of area. So, yeah. Have you ever eaten possum? I have not. Okay, I don't know. And where'd you grow up? Chicago, suburb. Like 30 minutes outside. And we're... This is probably going to air five days late. Okay. But... The Cubs won. They're just going to ask you, were you disappointed? They're down to one. I don't know. It's going to be interesting, man. I'm just happy we made it. It's pretty exciting. I don't follow baseball that closely. Yeah. But it doesn't take... You don't have to be a big baseman. You don't need to be Harry Carey to know that the Cubs haven't won since... When's the last time? 1908 World Series. What was last time they were in one? 1945. Okay. So that's at least six years ago. Who was the thing with the kid who caught the ball? Steve Bartman. That was the biggest overhyped... When was that? ...escapegoating 2003. That wasn't his fault. Was that the playoff? Yeah. It was the... Oh, yeah, I remember that. It was the NLCS. So it was to get in the World Series. We were up three games to one. He interfered with Moses to Lou. And everyone was like, he ruined the whole series. But that's like classic scapegoating, dude. It's like every time you know we have a financial thing, we pick one person. Like Martha Stewart or whatever. Every time there's a collapse, we pick one person and it's all their fault. He is Steve Bartman. He's the Richard Jewel. He's the Richard Jewel. How old was that person? He was young, man. And he was at the game alone. And he was wearing a transistor radio and he was such a super fanatic. He had a fucking turtleneck on, man. Leave the guy alone. And he caught the ball. Yeah, and he's probably a great athlete. In all honesty. Yeah, of course. Are you worried the Cubs are going to win? Because I don't know how it's going to be. Yeah, I mean, isn't it... Seriously, wouldn't you be more comfortable? Like is it more fun because you're used to it? And that's like being a Mets fan or something. It is the charm of the Chicago. I do think that there actually is something to that. And it has been kind of their mystique, actually. It's going to be interesting if they do want to see what happens. For sure. I remember in 2004, John Kerry was running against George W. Bush. And as I recall... I used to live, during that time, I lived right down the block from him. Really? In D.C., yeah. He lived on the same street that I lived on. John Kerry. Was he a good neighbor? Oh, I mean, we weren't like pals. But I could walk by his house in like 30 seconds. That's all I have to contribute to that. Didn't the Boston Red Sox break the curse of Bambino that year? Yes. And I remember thinking, okay, that means Kerry's going to win. And he did. You know, many people think he did. I know. Ohio, right? Many people think he did. This is the lull in the conversation. You think Trump has no shot? I think he has a very good shot. I think it's going to be a blowout. He has a shot maybe with Ivanka. It's a blowout. I think he's going to win the whole thing. I've been saying blowout since the beginning. Yeah, Lance has been saying Trump's going to win 80-20, which is almost actually impossible. I think I said, yeah, somewhere. I said a very high percentage. It's going to be a blowout. Based on what? Just go outside and watch human people move around and do things. I walk out of this place right now and I'll see somebody hitting their kid in the face. Then I'll walk in other blocks and I'll flick a cigarette and it almost hit me in the eye. Hey, Democrats can also hit their kid in the eye. You just see so much stupidity in our world. Republicans don't know that. Of course. There's tons of stupidity. We're getting dumb. It's frightening. You just see so much dumb stuff. Oh, unequivocally we're getting dumb. And huge SUVs for no reason. Absolutely. It's one of my favorite words. Okay. He whips it out on podcasts we do together. Yeah, I use it all the time. What's the name of your podcast? Unequivocally. Unequivocally. It's called unequivocally. It's called unequivocally. It's on the Tina Turner Reno. Do you have a podcast? We used to. We've had a few. Everyone's had a podcast. I hear I have one. I have one. Somebody told me I have a podcast. The only one. Have we started yet? No. No. People are getting dumb. I think Trump's going to... Dude, just look at it. I mean, the fact that guns are still such a huge thing and SUVs are huge for no reason. I mean, sometimes they are needed, but they're just... And that's just that. We have so much unhealthy food in our country, the amount of TV people watch. There's just so much. And when you add all of it together, it's just enough people... And people are... I think people are... They're frustrated with their... They're going to go on the booth and go, You know what? Fuck this. If you get a healer, you get the same thing. Let me just gamble and see what happens. I want a better show. Yeah. I want to see... I mean, the very existence of Trump to me says that we're getting dumber. Like, just imagine if like three years ago someone was going to tell you he would be the nominee and you'd be like, that's hilarious. Yeah. Like, Ann Coulter was laughed off of Bill Marshall a year ago when she said that he was going to be the nominee. People thought it was hilarious. And now he's like, this is a real possibility. That to me is a sign that we are definitely getting dumber. Just the lack of impact of actual facts. They don't matter, you know? No, they don't. They don't matter. They make these broad, empty promises and kind of really sleazy suggestions to plant things in people's heads. And it kind of takes hold. It's an emotional vote, you know? And people, whether they believe all of the things that he says or not, they're voting... They're voting at a protest, right? I mean, that's the thinking. It's a... Something's got to be shaken up here. And I've never seen anybody more ready to... More unconventional. I've never seen anything like this, so this guy. I mean, I think it's disgusting. I see it over him, but... I'm very excited for... Really? Yeah. I feel the same way. Easy tear. I don't like him. I don't like the things he says. I don't like this so much. I don't like hardly really anything about him that I can really off-top my head think about. But there is something exciting just like to see what happens. I mean, it's the thing of like, you know, a car crash. Sure. There's terrible to look at, but you're like, I'm going to watch. And you also have... It's our country. I disagree. Like, that's like... I mean, I could see, you know, a subway fight. Like, oh, what's going on here, even though I shouldn't take joy or be curious. Sure, sure, sure. But this is like shit that can really hurt our lives and other people's lives. I don't want any of that to happen, of course. But that's awful stuff. But how about... I have another theory. What if he gets in there? What if he's just doing all this just to win and then he gets in there and actually does good stuff? There is a point where I wanted to believe that and I just can't anymore. You just like Trump because he has a comprehensive Boy Scout policy. Does he like the Boy Scout? He probably does like the Boy Scout policy. No, I don't like Trump at all. I don't... I'm not trying to say I don't like him at all. But there is something exciting. Like, you look... You know, Hillary, you get the same thing that we're all just been having. There's something exciting. Just let's... It's a gamble. It's gambling with your money. You keep your money in your wallet. I have $10. I keep it in my wallet or I can put it in this machine right here. I might lose my $10 or I might make $100. Or I might... And it's at least... It's gambling at a... My voting for Trump is gambling. Or you might get your pussy grabbed. One of the two things could happen. I mean, I... Even during, like, the debates with, like, when there were 16 people on stage. Like, I didn't like him. I wasn't as disgusted by him. Sure. But you were entertained. You were like, oh, nice singer, Trump. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Didn't you like him as a... So easy to take people down when you're... Of all the guys on that stage. When you're not played by their rules. Of all the guys on that stage. Well, he was... I like him the best. He certainly felt more authentic, absolutely. Just as a performance, you know, he was definitely the guy your eyes were on and enjoying his zingers. Yeah. It was funny. It was effortlessly funny. Assuming he loses. Right? Okay. He will go down and I will always love him for destroying Billy Bush's career. And Jeb Bush. Oh, yeah. He was humiliating. You know, he made it settle law that the Bush family is done politically. And that... That is pretty cool. And that Iraq was a mistake. I mean, that's a pretty great accomplishment. You think it's done? I feel like living in a world where nothing is ever done. No, I think he did really like... For now, people say about Trump. Oh, he's out now. He's still here. Maybe the Bush is out for the next year or two years. Six years from now, eight years from now. Bush is out right back in it because whatever... We live in such a fast society right now. I would have agreed with you before Trump. I think that I couldn't believe that Jeb was going to run against Hillary. That he had a war chest. Oh, yeah. Somehow there was going to be a restoration of the Bush name and people were longing for the Bush years. And Trump proved or reminded us and the Republican Party that they... I think that's pretty great. Yeah, it was pretty cool. That we finally had our... America has no truth and reconciliation. We never admit that we did something wrong. Sure. He reminded somebody like Trump to stand up at the Republican debate and say to Jeb Bush to his face, 9-11 happened on your brother's watch. Yeah, that was great. Your brother was... Democrats wouldn't say that. Your brother was a disaster. Iraq was one of the worst foreign policy blunders in the history of this country. Trump said that. He's also said some horrible things. You know, he punished the right people in the Republican Party. At that moment. At that moment for that thing. And if he loses... I don't blame him. I blame Ivanka. I blame Melania. I blame Rance Priebus and Kellyanne Conno. I blame the enablers, the people who churn a blind eye to his racism for their own self. I'm with you there. Yeah, they're smarter than that. I mean, but they don't care. Yeah. For sure. Money and power talks. It doesn't matter. Yeah. You're going to say something? I'm just going to say, I wouldn't count out Billy Bush yet. Well, that's just it. It never goes away, man. Why Billy Bush? He's a fighter. I hope. I guess he gets $10 million. That's crazy. I hope they pay him $0.70 on the dollar. Just remind him. That was pretty bad what he did. Yeah. Wasn't it? I wanted to give him a break and then I listened to the tape and I was like... Yeah. Because I've had it. You've had to talk to famous people, I'm sure. And if you... Like, you want to like... Especially if you're interviewing them, you want to be friends, but he took it like to a whole other level. He was like basically trying to solicit chicks for it. Yeah. And like high-fiving it. Yeah. It was lame and gross. You know, if you're making a joke. Yeah. It's one thing. But just to be... I mean, they weren't making... That was just... You know. Yeah. It was like a sleazy wingman. Like... You guys are all losers. You dug it. No. Tell me how to... We only have five more minutes left. Let's talk about comedy in Manhattan because I haven't had a chance to talk about that for a while. Tell me about Gandhi, is that you? Why is it called Gandhi, is that you? We actually don't have a reason. Nor do we even remember why we called it that. I think we wanted to do just a weird name. And it just stuck. I know why, a little bit. For what? And a funny thing about the name is that we do have Indian people come to the show thinking there's going to be some Gandhi component. Yes, they come up to us after the show. We've had probably like 50. Oh my God. So why are you... And we're like... And we're like... Yeah, it's just a comedy show. We're like... It's the show. Well, we're making fun of names. Like every comedy show has like ridiculous, you know what I mean? Like Sandwich Tuesdays under the bridge. They're like, you know, knock your teeth down and whatever. So the thing was like nobody had... I was almost playing off that. Like nobody has a show with a question in it. That's absurd. No, there's no show with a question. Yeah, that's true. And then we wanted something positive. Just because there are a lot of shows... We don't want to have a negative connotation. You know what I mean? Like... This show sucks? Yeah, there's a lot of stuff like that. Your show's like that. Like this show stinks. None of us... Why is your show so great? Brennan and I appreciate... Thank you for the compliment. Brennan and I always believed in it. We never not believed in that show happening. We put effort into it in a way that I think a lot of people don't. Not that... Just because it was important to us, we made it a priority. Why was it important to you? Well, we really wanted stage time. At least I can speak for me. And I really wanted to meet other comics, hang out with comics we like, give them time. So we just made it like a super priority. Lance has OCD, so that plays into our favor. Sometimes it doesn't always play into our favor. OCD? Yeah. Pretty... I have... Whenever I see a beautiful woman... Good luck. I want to put my penis in her vagina. Is that how... Like all the time. That's definitely... It never stops. It's called ruminating. Rumination. Yeah, just like, got it. Put my penis in that woman's vagina. And... We just wanted to have a good show. I was doing the road a good bit at the time and I had some kind of rough experiences on the road as you can, right? You go and a lot of times you make no money. You treat it poorly. The person who books it or owns it doesn't even care you're there or how you do. And I generally... I think people that know me, I love stand-up comedy. I think it's like a incredible art form. There's a lot of us do. And I just... In my head I'd worked at Caroline for a few years. I kind of learned about comedy. In my head I was like... What did you do with Caroline's? I did graphic design for them for a few years. I didn't know you'd do that. You make all the posters. Are you a Photoshop person? Not totally. I have some very general... Are you an artist? No, I would say no. I would not... Comedically I like to think so, but I'm not an artist. But if you were making posters... I can make basic posters. Yeah. But I literally just love comedy. I was like, we can do it. When I was treating the road so poorly, I loved the art form and I knew a lot of comics from being in Caroline's and kind of how the business was done. I was like, we can do this. We can do it really well and run a show where it's just fun. When you've done the show a couple of times, it's fun to be a comic on it. It's fun that the audience has a good time. The lighting is good. The sound is good. The air conditioner is on 74 degrees. That's me being... But all those things make it an awesome... Individually, none of them matter. We have candles that we light. But when you add them up, it's just like this podcast studio. This is a great podcast studio. There's good equipment. The people are cool. The chairs are nice. They all add up to create and make an experience. It's awesome. Yeah, it was either to run a comedy show or become a first responder. Yeah, I cannot tell you the number of times I walk into a club. And I say, I don't want to perform. Exactly. I do not want to perform here. And the minute I walked into your show, I went, oh, yeah, this is exactly the way it should be done. That's good to know. Yeah. Why can't... You would think that by now, people would figure out how to set up a comedy room. It's not super hard. I guess just individually... Is it harder than we think? If you know nothing about comedy, there's some things they think you don't know. Like, if you're like brand new at running a bar show, you might not know that maybe you should turn the music down. Yeah. Maybe you shouldn't run a show in the middle of a hockey playoffs which is run by TVs, which I've done. You know Todd Glass? Yeah. We did a show, I guess four years ago, on how to run a comedy club. Yeah. Because Todd is... I think I remember this. Yeah, Todd's obsessed. Yeah, he's unbelievably funny. But he's obsessed with comedy clubs. The perfect room. I remember this. Yeah. And he actually set up a room in Tempe. Was it a red backdrop? Yeah. Yeah. And he just... This is a guy who started doing comedy when he was 16. Wow. And just figured out what a comedy club needs. And you can walk... I can walk into a room and know right away if I'm gonna have to work that night. Oh, yeah. That's a good point. You know, if the audience is gonna come to me or I'm gonna have to go to them, ideally, if you set it up properly, the audience comes to you. Why don't... So what do you... What is an audience... I would say you need... the lights have to be down on the audience. The audience... Sure. We're just running through a basic show. A microphone is helpful. The microphone needs to be loud. Separate room is what I tell everybody. Separate room for a bar show is everything, I think. Clear dividing line between the bar and your show. Yeah. And at the very least, a curtain. A separate room. Because once you blend those two things, it's hard to distinguish between what's what. You gotta make it like a show. Yeah. If I go to a show, if I go to Broadway, I wanna walk in and I wanna be there a couple minutes early and sit in my seat and read the program. Lights go down, the announcement comes on. You wanna feel like it's a show. I think that's it. Yeah. When you bring, especially a date, you wanna make it look like... Give the appearance that it's a special night together. Right? It's just effort. It's just effort. It's like anything. This is a very... This is a fantastic podcast studio. You got things... I'm tired of Lance talking about this. No, we have sound things on the wall. This could easily be done on a cell phone. Right? We could be in the park outside doing this podcast on a cell phone. Can you do that? Sure. And you could upload it immediately. You could even live stream it probably at this point. But you're not doing that. You're recording it in a soundproof thing with soundproof, whatever. These are very high quality microphones. I'm not a microphone. But you can tell you have a sound board. You have a producer in a whole other room outside of a window. Individually, none of these things really matter. But when you add them all up, it makes for a great podcast experience. I agree with you. Have you listened to this podcast? Absolutely not. No. Also, I've been getting jerked off into the table by a Cub Scout. So it's pretty good. That's the real... Actually, I was never really a Cub Scout. I misled you. Yeah, that's it. That's great. Well, your guys will come back. Yeah, man. This is great. After Lance is five minutes of plugging this podcast... No, I just... I was making an analogy. No, it's great. Brandon Fitzgibbons. Yeah. You can see him on the Comedy Central website. There you go. It's called Alternatino. There you go. I got it right? Yeah. And Lance Wies is spelled W-E-I-S-S. Correct. And it's LanceWies.com or Wies.com? That's it. Or LanceWies. LanceWies.com. And go there for all your... Just all the fun. What do you have there? It's all happening. I have a bio. You really? Here's the thing about Lance. He updates his website magically all the time. I used to be real. You had a good site, didn't you? I've gotten worse at it. No, you're good. Yeah. I built some websites as just a fun, whatever thing, yeah. Speaking of websites, people should go to DavidFeldmanShow.com. We have all our shows are at the David Feldman Show website. They're on YouTube now. You can listen to the show on YouTube. Are we videoed? No, but... It's audioed on YouTube. That's cool. I like that. You know, not too many people do it. Yeah. But the ones who do thank me for it. And it's also a great way to be viral with an episode. YouTube, just for some reason, is more viral. Easy links. Yeah. And we're on SoundCloud and follow me on Twitter. That's a good way to get our latest episodes. And we're on Facebook. We're also posting the show on Facebook as a video. And you can give us a good review on iTunes. That's always good. Subscribe to us on iTunes. Isn't it amazing all the places you've got to put it? That's what she said. She's just amazing. You can't just do a podcast and let it go. It's a guy putting like six networks and then re-put it out there. And it's amazing. That's what my cat said. And do your Amazon shopping via the David Feldman Show website. What are you making Amazon stuff on your site? We have an Amazon link. Okay. Over the years it adds up and it helps keep the lights on here. What does that mean to Amazon? What could I buy? The way it works is kind of interesting. It's an affiliate program. So you go to the David Feldman Show website. Okay. You'll see Shop on Amazon. You click on that banner. And then it takes you right to Amazon. And we get a small percentage. Oh, it's like an ad basically. Yeah, but we get a percentage of everything you buy. During the shopping session. And it doesn't cost more. Yeah. It really doesn't. And it's just we get like a little fee like 6%. That's amazing. And it adds up. So that's the best way to support the show is to donate money or shop on Amazon. Every time you need something. That's incredible. That's awesome. I didn't know that. And there are people who do that. And if you need to put as a porno site up there. Yeah. People love porn. They love. Oh, God. Yeah. Right click right to the porno sites. Yeah. Well, I do buy all my porn on Amazon. I think I can help David. Who buys porn? No. Do you know Danny Vermont? I would. I have Danny on the show. You know Danny Vermont. No. He once returned porn. Really? You rent it. You do have to return it. Oh, that's true. That's fantastic. What would it say? Please be kind on a porn. Please be kind. I'm not going to do the joke. But Danny got pissed off. And actually this is like 20 years ago. He was living in New York. He just went back to the place. It was a bad film. I don't want to go into details. I need his permission to finish the story. Sir, do you call this ass-banging cuckold? You know what? I want to provide a service. Do you remember Rob Schneider did a bit on SNL? He would shop for porn for you. You were too embarrassed to go shop for porn. Oh, that's hilarious. Maybe. He would like a service that tells me whether or not the porn I'm looking at features a person who's now dead. Because it's very conceivable that you're looking at porn that has a dead person. If you're on an old flick. Or watching a snuff video. Are you watching only stuff from the mid-50s? What are you looking at? I just think, you know, given the lifestyle of these people, it's easy to tell if you're watching, if you're like a necrophiliac and you go to those sites. Then you have your answer there. But don't you want to know if you're looking at somebody who's now... I think about how many dead Twitter followers I have sometimes. But no, I don't think about the porn. I think we could make money providing a service. Is that a big market? I think it should be... You could have an accreditation on each porn. A label. When you're contemplating this, do you get harder or softer? By the way, snuff videos, it is impossible to get a laugh. From a joke about snuff videos? I did a joke on Conan about... I produce Christian snuff videos. No nudity, no cursing. I've tried it over and over again. It's either that people don't know what snuff videos are. I really think porn, you're only talking to the guys. Lance, you have that porn joke and there's always three guys that respond to it. Girls are like, what? I think it's already half the audience. It's always like you're going to the dudes. Yeah, maybe so. And then maybe they'll be self-conscious about laughing if they're with their lady. Do women look at porn? Apparently they do. I've gotten this discussion and I didn't think they did. But then I got a lot of shit from girls. They're like, of course I do. Tell my third wife to start looking at porn because she ain't doing it right. She has to pick up some. That's what you have to do when you're getting a divorce now. You've got to go my third wife. You can't say your ex. Yeah, I just don't know. That's too loaded. Josh Comers, C-O-M-E-R-S. You are currently writing for The Fallon Show. Yeah. And how do people follow you on Twitter? They get a Twitter account. Walk me through this, please. At Josh Comers. This is now going to be a running bit on my show. How do we follow you on Twitter? You just go find me. I'm Josh Comers. No, no, I like this. This is going to be a new bit. I have to go along with it, don't I? And what's your password on Twitter? If people want to log in. Ask Vladimir Putin. Right, guys? If people want to log in. So what is it? Josh Comers? Josh Comers. Is there a Facebook account? No. I mean, I haven't Facebooked, but don't look at me there. Yeah, but I don't really update it. And where did your wife and you register for your wedding? We didn't register. We got married. People want to buy you a gift. We got married at a chapel on Wilshire with five people there. There was no... Can I register? Can I just register like a target? Just for you. For me? Yeah, you probably can. Seriously? Nick Cobb had that about divorce. People getting divorced should be registered. If you're going through a divorce, you should have your own registration. That's good. I like that. Who said that? Nick Cobb. You know Nick Cobb. That's basically like a go fund me or something. Yeah, they should. Anybody could request things, but you got to get them. Now I have to just say David Feldman is... I'm marrying... My left hand is marrying my penis. I'm registered a target. How does that work? And then people could look me up? Probably so. But you're going to post a save the day with your hand and your dick. It is funny that married people have registries. Like I'm single. I'm 33. I could use a registry. Yeah, we all could. Who couldn't? You know what I mean? How come I don't get one? Society said marriage is okay, but as a single person. Like, oh, well, you're still on your own. It's like, I always said when I was your age, when my friends said, hey, we're getting married. I'd go, why don't you send me a bill? Instead of my having a book of flight... Yeah, yeah. Just let's negotiate. Yeah, it's such a drag. I'll give you cash so I don't have to rent a tux. It's nice when you have a destination wedding that you legitimately can make and you can just send a check. You're like, all right. That's why people... I'm getting my Ed Sullivan bit ready. I'm doing the Ed Sullivan. That's why I cry at weddings. Ever see how much it costs to rent a tux? It's fine. The food at... Okay. At a clean comedy at David Felton, everybody. Listen, this is the first time I'm even trying to make... I was sick for a month. Oh, geez. I had this cold that I couldn't shake. That's to be in a locked room with you. Okay. I want to apologize to Gutein Degas. I want to apologize to Gutein Degas. Do you close with a prayer? Gutein Degas, we often refer to him as patient zero. New evidence indicates that he is not responsible for bringing AIDS to America. He was a Canadian flight attendant and for about 20 years on the show, I always attributed AIDS to Gutein Degas. And I'd like to apologize to him and his family. New evidence is service. Patient zero existed in 1971. And it came to us from New York City to the Caribbean, I believe. Right? Is that how it spread? I don't know. I don't know either. Anyway, my apologies to Gutein Degas and his children. 20 years from the show. I'm telling you right now, there's somebody laughing. Somebody is in their car right now. And when I am apologizing to Gutein Degas and his family, they are literally driving off the road in hysterics. One person. From the show Brits Studios, once again, we'd like to apologize to Gutein Degas and his family from the show Brits Studios in downtown L.A. That'll do it for us. Downtown, what did I say? Downtown L.A. Wishful thinking, Alex. I wish we were in L.A. right now. I have better guests.