 The Herald Perry Show! Honest Herald the Homemaker! The town of Melrose Springs boasts one radio station and one newspaper both owned by an old boaster named Mr. Carruthers. One of the things he doesn't boast about is his radio program on his station called Honest Herald the Homemaker. Why? Because Honest Herald is too honest. Listening to Honest Herald is a morning must in Melrose Springs, especially with the ladies. Let's join them. Well, good morning girls. Time to visit with your old friend Honest Herald the Homemaker, bringing you news, views and clues to good products. As usual, that's Home on the Range, our theme song, and now we're going to start cooking with gas. Well, I made it funny. I have a very important announcement to make later in the program that concerns all of you, so please stand by girls. But first, let's dip into our mailbag, huh? Well, here's a letter from a listener in Charlieville. She says, last week I started trading with a different grocer. When the boy arrived with the delivery, I asked him his name. He said Truman. I said, is that your last name? He said, yes ma'am. My first name is Harry. Harry Truman, I said. That's a pretty well-known name. He said it ought to be. I've been delivering groceries around here for four years. Well, that lady certainly was told, A woman likes to be told That her hair is fine as gold She may know that you're her fella But it's better when you tell her A woman likes to be told I snuck that in, didn't I? A woman's funny that way Clinges to every word you say If it's something sweet and gentle She'll grow soft and sentimental And kiss your worries away So if you think her smile is warm as summer Don't you ever keep it from her For many a heart has been broken For the want of a word unspoken A woman likes to be told That she never will grow And the more you say you love her The more and more you will discover A woman likes to be told And now girls, let's get serious for a moment. Two weeks ago, a very high-pressure salesman sold me on the idea of introducing a new shampoo product on this program. Because it was new and not fully tried and tested I asked all you ladies to accept a free sample from the manufacturer and then report to me. Since then I've had numerous complaints on the product from you girls and I'm canceling the account. I may get into a little trouble about this but I want you to know that Grandma Llewellyn's liquid lather shampoo will never be mentioned on this program as long as I have anything to say about it. Good morning, station KHJP. Yes, madam, after listening to Honest Harold you're pouring your Grandma Llewellyn's liquid lather shampoo down the drain. I'll tell him. No, I don't think it'll hurt the drain. Well, thanks for draining, or I mean for calling. Hello, station KHJP. Hello, Rosemary. Little old Gloria was just about to call you. Did you hear Honest Harold's program this morning? Well, he just went off the air and between you and me it's liable to be for the last time. Boss Carruthers called his nephew, Mr. Peabody and now Mr. Peabody is going to call Harold and here comes Harold out of the studio. I'll call you back. Well, good morning, Gloria. Did you hear my program this morning? Yes, I did, Mr. Hamp and Mr. Peabody heard it too. He was eating his breakfast at the time. Oh? He choked on his yogurt. He did? Oh, my goodness. Well, you know my policy, Gloria. I test all my products before... By the way, Gloria, did you test that new product for me over the weekend? Oh, yes, I spent the entire weekend sunbathing. Good. How did that freckle cream work out? Oh, just wonderful. I got a whole new crop of freckles. I'm glad I didn't have a valina. Try it. Gloria, you're a fine guinea pig. Well, thank you very much. Well, see you tomorrow, same time, same station. I hope so. Yeah. What? Mr. Peabody wants to see you in his office right away. Is he in there now? I'm afraid so. I can hear him tapping his fingers. Yeah, I know what you mean. Well, that's radio, give and take. Only so far I haven't found many who will take what I've got to give. Well, keep your lines crossed, Gloria. Good luck. Yeah, thanks. She's a nice kid. Well, here goes nothing. Maybe I was a little hasty about cancelling that shampoo account. I don't know, though. My listener's objected to the stuff. Besides, I tried it and took all the wave out of my hair. No, sir, my head tells me I did the right thing. And a big shot Stanley Peabody, so much as raises his voice to me, I'll... Stanley. Well, thank you for opening the door. Come in. Oh, thank you. I'm glad you're in such a jovial mood. It may help you digest what I've been discussing with my uncle and Mr. Carruthers. Sit down. Oh, thank you. New furniture, eh? Nice. Yes, yes. Look about you. This fine radio station, thousands upon thousands of dollars were spent erecting these handsome studios. Cheap cement. The finest electrical engineers designed our powerful transmitters. Mr. Carruthers even hired me at great expense to run the organization. Relative. You come along and nullify it all. Nullify? Now, hold on. You're the one that better try to hold on. To your job. You're on probation. Probation? Yes. You've gone about as far as you can with your idiotic ideals of honesty, and it's got to stop. Stop! Do you hear? The only way I could hear any better is if you were sitting in my lap. It's a good gag when you first started your home-making program, to insist that a sponsor's product must meet the lofty standards of your female listeners. A very clever move from a showmanship angle. Well, thank you, Stanley. Somebody else must have thought of it. Oop! What a mean young man. But this idea of cancelling advertisers. I'm sorry, Stanley, but I must uphold my principles. Your principles? What about this radio station? What's going to hold us up? Not this cheap cement, brother. What possible justification did you have to cancel that shampoo account? Well, my listeners complained about it. And just what great fault did your listeners find with the shampoo? Well, Stanley, as one little woman put it, there's too much sham and not enough poo. You're making me very angry, too. You ruined my breakfast this morning. I'm sorry you choked on your yogurt. Please! Instead of wasting your time testing product, you're making me very angry, too. Instead of wasting your time testing products, why don't you do something constructive? If you have to crusade, go after something worthwhile, such as lowering taxes. Are taxes too high? Or try to do something to better Melrose Springs. What? Now, I'll give you an example. Mrs. Carruthers, my aunt, who, as you know, is the political leader among the women of this town, is planning to run me for mayor. Now, why don't you convince your listeners that I should be the next mayor? I thought you wanted me to do something to better Melrose Springs. Get out! And remember, you've got one more chance. But Stanley! Get out before I do something that'll put me in true detective magazine! Oh, brother, I guess I better go. That's murder. True detective magazine. That Peabody. I'd like to condense his head for Reader's Digest. Only they wouldn't buy it. What a fine mayor he'll make. Why didn't I fight back? I don't have to take that sort of talk from anybody. My 1936 S6 is almost paid for. Besides, this is a free country. Of course, I don't want to be so free. I don't have a job. I've got responsibilities. There's mother, cousin Billy. You've got to keep little Billy with me or he'll drift back to the racetracks. Hey! Oh, hello, Doc. Talking to yourself, aren't you? Now, that's better than talking to some people I know. I always did prefer animals to people. Fact is, that's why I became a veterinarian instead of a MD. Animals are more considered. Never did have a horse call me in the middle of the night unless it was serious. Can I drop you any place? Well, I'm heading home. Well, fine. Hop right in, then. I just came downtown to get some dog biscuits. Have one? They're kind of small. But they're crammed full of vitamins. They don't crackle or pop, but they've got plenty of snack. Don't tell me you eat those things. I just give them to my dog. The only thing that'll keep them from barking during your radio program. I'd like to put some of those dog biscuits and Stanley Peabody's yogurt maybe to keep him from barking. You and Stanley don't get along too well, do you? Well... Well, not many fellas do when they're in love with the same girl. I guess not. If he could get me out of the way, Doc, he'd probably marry Evelina. Can't understand what you two see in that niece of mine. All she is is young and pretty. Yeah, she's beautiful. Well, all us yanses are. Tell you that she's domineering, though. Why, she even tells old man crothers how to run his newspaper. If I had a secretary like that, I'd... I'd marry her if she'd have me. I don't know. She's taking care of me, the twins and all the stray dogs and cats I'm treating. I don't know, she's got room for one more. Oh? What? Besides my nephew from Cleveland's planning to visit us. Oh, that's quite a fellow, that boy. Yeah, it makes $45 a week when he's not striking. Well, anyway, this is a fine time for me to be thinking about getting married to Evie. I'm about to lose my job. What, again? Yeah, serious this time. In fact, Mr. Crothers had Stanley put me on probation. You're too honest, eh? Well... Yeah, I remember it's giving you trouble all your life. They think I should forget about testing home products and get behind a project to make the town better. Yeah, boss Crothers would like that. It seems how he owns most of the town. What you slowing down for? Is this spring wagging out of gas? Oh, this is the school zone, Doc. Oh, yeah. Say, if you want a good community project, son, how about getting the town to build a livery stable? A livery stable? There aren't any horses in this town? Well, that might bring them back. Sure, get some of these cars off the streets. Devil's pulley thing. Doc, you're just an old fuddy-duddy. Automobiles are a boon to mankind. Now, my boy, if nature didn't tend to... Say, watch out for that little kid. What? Oop, I'll go around him. Hang on, Doc. Yeah. Made it. Where are we? Up on the curb, in only three tires left. Certainly close, Doc. That little scallywag run for the schoolhouse. I'll bet he's scared. He's scared? See, old Doc, there ought to be a policeman on this corner. See, I'm getting an idea. Well, let me out. I'm getting a horse. I'm going to contact the school principals, but they're all behind me. Just can't wait to tell Evelyn about this. I hope the dear little twin sisters have gone to bed. An old doc yak-yak, too. Dear old doc, I wonder if the old boy sleeps standing up like a horse. Harold. Thank you, Evie. Thank you. I was hoping you'd drop over. I've been worried. I understand you had some trouble at the radio station. Yeah, I did. But today I hit on a plan that'll make Mr. Carruthers approve of me. Well, take it from his secretary, Harold. It'll have to be quite an idea. Oh, this one is. Stanley Peabody suggested what he said was a worthwhile project, convincing my listeners that he should be the next mayor, but I've got a better plan and a more honest one. Oh. I'm going to start a radio campaign to put a policeman at every corner of every schoolhouse so that our children can cross the streets. Oh, that's a wonderful idea, Harold. Is Mr. Carruthers enthused? Well, I haven't spoken to Mr. Carruthers yet. I've got a call in for Stanley to call me here. I hope you're staying at home this evening. Don't worry about that. Look at all the work Mr. Carruthers sent me home with. Yeah, slave driver. Oh, but you know, this is interesting. I'm proofreading a series of articles that Mr. Carruthers wrote for his Sunday editorial. It's on one of his pet subjects. Lip reading. Lip reading? Mm-hmm. He is a bit deaf, you know. Deaf too? I discovered that you can learn a lot about people by watching their lips. Well, a fella doesn't like to just watch some lips. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I've been practicing lip reading here in front of the mirror. Mirror? Wouldn't it be more fun practicing with something not quite so cold? A nice, live, suntanned assistant? I'm available. All right. Now, you watch how my lips form the words. Oh, brother, I'm watching. Now, after me, make the lips form a simple word, like rhubarb. Rhubarb. Oh, don't try to spell the word. Just say it, naturally. Rhubarb. Rhubarb. This is silly, yeah. No, it is. Really? Well, it may have some merit. Let's see. Now it's my turn, huh? Now you form a word with me. Ready? Say prunes. All right. Prunes. Oh, hair. That wasn't fair. No, but it was tasty. You shouldn't have said prunes. You were irresistible. Evie. Yes? It's strange that lip-reading should make me think of marriage. But now that I'm sure of my job again... Oh, that must be Stanley now. Yeah, it would be. I'll get it. Hello? Is that you, hemp? Did you call me? Yes, I did, Stanley. I've taken your advice. Oh, really? Uh-huh. Your suggestion about crusading to better Melrose Springs? I want you to tell Mr. Carruthers about it. Well, I certainly will. What do you mean about deciding to back me for mayor? Oh, no. My idea is to have a policeman on every corner at every school. What? A policeman on every corner? Huh? Hemp, do you realize there are four schools in this town? There are four corners of each school? That's 16 additional policemen. 812, say he's right. 16 policemen, do you know what that means? It means safety for our school children. It means higher taxes. And do you know who pays most of the taxes in this town? Well, Mr. Carruthers, of course. Yes. And what may I ask is wrong with the suggestion I gave you. You mean to back you for mayor? Well, he's one of my lady listeners, so aptly put it. Too much sham and not enough poo. That did it? Huh? To coin a phrase, my dear boy. You've reached the end of your rope, hemp. Hey, that's pretty clever. What? You're fired. Fired, but Stanley. I guess he didn't like my idea. Yeah, I'm finished. In more ways than one. Well, mother always said, it's important to have an open mind, but maybe I've got a hole in my head. We'll return to the second act of our story, honest Harold, in just a moment. I think this is a good time for a reminder that safety and driving is mighty important, especially on these vacation days. There are twice as many cars on the road during the summer months, and that means you should be twice as careful. Save a life. Remember, it may be your own. And now back to the Harold Perry Show. We're back in honest Harold's hometown, Melrose Springs. It's the next day, and we find ourselves at the radio station. Good morning, Station KHJP. Oh, hello, little Billy. Honest Harold's program? Well, uh... Hold the wire, little Billy, and I'll tell you all about it. Hello, Station KHJP. Oh, hello, Rosemary. As little old Gloria got news for you, but I'll have to call you back. Little Billy's on the other line. You know Harold's cousin, that cute ex-jockey. Hello, little Billy. Hasn't Harold told you? Well, I guess he didn't want to worry you, but he isn't the homemaker here anymore. He's been replaced with an organ recital. He packed up his test tubes and went home to mother. Yes, I think you'll find him there. He looks so sad. Goodbye, Billy. Oh... Stop worrying. Everything happens for the best. Remember, honesty is the best policy. Yes, mother, honesty is the best policy, but I'm beginning to think the premiums come pretty high. Don't you want a little dessert, Harold? I think I've had enough lunch, mother. I'm trying to keep my weight down, you know. Oh, you're not too fat. Oh, yes, I am. The last time I took a train trip and got into an upper, it immediately became a lower. You're just healthy-looking, but you won't be if you don't stop worrying any more. Well, you can save my dessert for Billy, huh? There you go. Always thinking about other people. Take me, for instance. You? Yes, I hold you back. A nice boy like you should be married and have a home of his own. A man deserves those things when he's touching 40. I'm not touching 40, mother. I'm beating the living daylights up. Besides, mother, I couldn't do without you. You know I'm a tosser. Who'd sew the buttons back on my pajamas? Well, I'm off. You haven't a program anymore. Oh, I found a program, mother. I'm going down to the Hoover School. If the city won't hire extra policemen, I'll direct traffic there. Oh, that sounds wonderful, my boy. But here, if you're going to school, I'd better wrap up your dessert. But, mother... Now, Harold, remember how hungry you always got when you went to school? Here's your pie. Pie? Yes, lemon chiffon. But, mother, remember my diet. Lemon is on your diet. Lemon is, yes, you win, mother. I'll take the pie. What am I going to do with this piece of pie? Can't hold it in my hand while I'm directing traffic. Oh, well, I'll eat it. Yeah. Dear old mother, she really thinks I ought to get married. Married to Evelina. That'll be wonderful. She's so pretty. She can't cook as well as mother, but that's good. I can stay on my diet. What about mother and little Billy? Maybe Billy would be our babysitter. Babies. Large family. Five would be enough. I'm dreaming again. Haven't even got a job. Probably have to leave Melrose Springs and be a test pattern. He'll probably marry Stanley Peabody. Well, he's going to be mayor. She'd like that. Mrs. Mayor Peabody. Oh, brothers. Hey, Harold! Oh, little Billy. I don't want to see him now. Walk faster. Hey, where are you off and running? Oh, hello, little Billy. I didn't see you. I'm not myself today. Let me be the first to congratulate you. Oh, Billy. What's this I hear about you being scratched? Scratched. Yeah. Declared. Fired. Billy, must you always use that racetrack lingo? You've got everybody in this town doing it. Sure. I'm getting to be a favorite. There you go. Take care of this Peabody. I'll put a burr under his saddle and ride him into the rail. Billy, you promised me when you came to live with us here that you wouldn't get in any trouble. But you've got a lot of good races left in you, cuz. My residents send you to the glue factory. Come on, we'll fight your others and Peabody. You and me will pool our forces. Excuse me, Billy, but that's no pool. That's a bird bath. I can put you in shape. We'll start with early morning workouts. What do you think I am? A horse? Look, Billy, I don't want to fight anybody. It's true they didn't take my school plan. I still think I was right. I'm going to the Hoover School myself. You mean you're going to direct traffic? Well, somebody's got to help those children across the street. Oh, so that's why you're wearing that silly air raid helmet. Well, yes. Well, Peabody may think he's running you out of the money, but his nose ain't crossed the wire yet. I'll see you later. Billy, what are you up to? Me? A stubborn mule. Horse doctor, about a mule? Oh, well, that sounds logical. I can't just speak, and it's your nickel to start talking. I got to see you right away. I'm at 6th and Hoover. But I'm in consultation with the patient. Patient? Yeah, I'm clipping a sheep. Okay, I'll be there in a minute. Well, things are never the same again after you have a phone put in. I'll share you later. How long, children? Scoot across while I have the car stopped. I don't stand there looking at me. Come on, scoot. Look, sunshine, there's honest Harold. Well, the antsy twins. Hello, Templeton Sunshine. Harold, you shouldn't stand out in the middle of the street like that. You'll get hit. Well, I've been out here 15 minutes. I haven't been hit yet. What are you doing? Trying to collect your insurance because you lost your job. What? Honeybody, he's our friend. Yeah, man. Do you think you'll collect enough money to marry Evie? No, girls, you want a long home, Debbie. Besides you're holding up traffic. Scoot across. I've got to let this hot rod by. Goodbye, cute kids. All right, you and that hot rod and proceed with caution. I nearly collected my insurance at that. Just a moment, please. Let the children across. Hello, Joey. All right, mister, and thank you for waiting. I kind of like this work. Maybe I missed my calling. I guess I'm just a frustrated policeman. Getting quiet here, though. Imagine all the classes have been dismissed. Seems to be the last of the kitties. Can I cross now, Constable? That's a bigger one than I thought it was going to be. I think I need a whistle. Well, if you wait till that new third grade teacher walks by, I'll whistle for you. The fucker there was. Oh, I never have to. Everybody else does. Anyway, the children have all gone home, and I think I'll go, too. Oh, now, wait a minute, Harold. I just got here. Why don't you just stick around a while? You know, show me your stuff. Oh, no, no, I'm all finished here. Well, there may be another kid or two around playing behind the schoolhouse. I don't think so, Doc. Well, besides, it's just about the time that Mrs. Carruthers drives Stanley Peabody up to the house to make his daily report to the old man. Well, yes, it is nearly four o'clock, and they do it every day. Well, if I was you, I'd stick around and let Stanley see you donating your services to the town like this. Why, it'll make him mighty ashamed. I doubt that. Would buy-gones be buy-gones? Well, you stick to that attitude, and it won't be long before you're going bye-bye. Hey, who's that upstart in that station wagon? It looks like Mrs. Carruthers' car. Yeah, she's traveling pretty fast. Yeah, too fast. Look at that child in that cowboy suit. Where did he come from? Say, he's going to run across the street. You can't see on a car that big hat he's wearing. Little boy, don't run off there on that street. Oop, he stumbled and fell. Oop, stop, stop that car. Harold, don't jump in front of that car. Oh, brother, that was close. Is that you, Mr. Hem? Eh, yes, Mrs. Carruthers. Is the child all right? Yeah, he's okay. Look at him squeak through those bushes. Hem, what are you doing standing out here in the middle of the street? What does it look like, Stanley? I've been directing traffic. Yeah, somebody's got to do it. Oh, Mr. Hem, how can I ever thank you? You've kept me from hitting that youngster. Well, that's why I was here. This is a dangerous spot. There should be policemen on these corners to act as crossing guards. You're so right, Mr. Hem. Something should be done immediately. Mr. Hem, why don't you campaign for it on your radio program? The women of this town would back you to the hilt. Well, I wanted to, Mrs. Carruthers, but I don't have a radio program. You certainly do. It's a favorite of mine. I heard you only yesterday. That was my last one. Stanley fired me. What's this, Stanley? Now, Annie, I just take orders from Mr. Carruthers. Well, Mr. Carruthers takes orders from me. I'll bet he does it back. Mr. Hem, you've been rehired. I have? Yes, but it may not be for long. It won't? For a long time now, we've needed an honest man in Melrose Springs, one who is interested in our city and our children. When the women voters of Melrose Springs meet tomorrow, I'm going to submit your name for mayor. Me, mayor? Sinatra, here is your boy, man. I thought you were going to support me. We support you anyway. But Mrs. Carruthers, you really think I'm qualified? I don't think I want to be mayor. Don't argue with me, young man. You're as good as elected. Stanley, close your mouth and let's go home. Right, Annie. Oh, goodbye. Bye, Mrs. Carruthers. Well, isn't she sweet? Well, that turned out slick, didn't it? Doc, it couldn't have been planned better. Yep. What'd you say? You can tell little Billy to come out from behind those bushes now. Shucks. We thought that little hop along Cassidy's suit was a perfect disguise. Well, I've been thinking nobody but a jockey could take a fall like that, roll over, and come up on his feet running. I'm real upset with both of you. That wasn't honest, fellas. No, that's politics. Or you know it. Now, wait a minute, fellas. Honesty. I'll handicap him for first place. Even with all that weight he carries. He's going to be hard to handle. Honest boy, though. Me, Ray? Well... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good night, voters. Good job, fellas. The new Harold Perry show, Honest Harold. The supporting players included Sharon Douglas, Odin Sillay, Norma Jean-Nelson, Ann Whitfield, Jimmy Og, Lois Corbett, Jane Morgan, and features Gloria Holiday as Gloria and Joseph Kearns as Old Doc Yak Yak. Norman Macdonald directed and the music was composed and conducted by Jack Meakin. William Danch contributed additional dialogue to Mr. Perry's original script. CBS, the column be broadcasted.