 The Aberdeen Costello Program, starring Bud Aberdeen and Lou Costello, brought to you by Camel, the cigarette of costlier, properly aged tobacco. The Aberdeen Costello Program with the music of Carl Hoffman is orchestra, our singing star Amy Arnell, and spotlighting that chunky, chubby little cherub, who went caught putting a baseball in his Uncle Artie Stebbins pocket because he heard him say he had a date with an old bat, constantly said, Costello, ever since we've opened this drug store, you spend all your time behind that soda fountain. What are you doing now? I'm making a Maltese milk. You mean a Maltese milk? No, I'm in a Maltese milk. This is for the cat. Yeah, well, will you get it from behind that counter? You're no soda jerk. Addick, keep those words closer to get it. Look, now what are you doing? Get your hand out of that box. Oh, I was just eating some lifesavers. Those aren't lifesavers. They're corn plasters. Corn plasters? No wonder every time I hiccup, I taste McCuricroans. E, E, E, that's all you do is eat. I like to eat. Well, look, what are you putting in your mouth now? Ah, just these little round hard candies. I've been eating them all day. Those aren't hard candies. All those marbles out of the pinball machine. What? Explains what? Every time I sneeze, my nose lights up and spells tilt. Now look, will you come over here please and help me put the price tags on these rat biscuits? Rat biscuits? Certainly, certainly. Don't you have rat biscuits at your house? No. The rats can't eat what we eat. Let them starve. All right. Answer that telephone, Castella. Go ahead. Hello. Castella's drugstore. Hello, Mr. Castello. Do you have any medicine for a sick mule? Yes, I have. Well, why don't you take some, you jackass? It's a joke. I think I'll pull it on at it. Sick mule. No, but you can call my brother-in-law. No, I'm stuck with two jackasses. Look, will you stop with those? Those jokes can get to work, please? Yeah. Hey, you know, I've been working all morning at it. I'm making mustard plasters. You make your own mustard plasters? Yeah. I'm making mustard plasters. Chili powder. And then I add some horseradish and tabasco sauce. Oh, wait a minute. You'd better be careful with all that hot stuff. Yeah. Last week I had a little accident when my uncle Audie Steppen sat down on one of my mustard plasters. What happened? He won first prize in the national air races. Hello. Hello. Hello. I'll answer it. Well, are you sure it's your line? Castella's drugstore. Oh, hello. Hello. Mrs. Dinkelberger. Oh, yeah. I've been working all morning at it. I'm making mustard plasters. You make your own mustard plasters? Yeah. I start with a little red pepper, chili powder, and black pepper. Mrs. Dinkelberger. Oh, yeah. What? He did. Well, I'll take care of that right away. Castella, you idiot. I told you to deliver an electric bed warmer to Mrs. Dinkelberger. Why did that happen? You dummy, you didn't. You took her over an electric bed warmer, but you took her an electric toaster. You've been thrown around a bed? How can you be so stupid? Can't you tell a bed warmer from a toaster? Don't you know the first thing about electricity? Sure. And with short waist. How long have you been interested in short waves? Ever since I got slapped by a tall wax. What a dope. Why, you don't even know who invented electricity. Oh, sure I do. Oh, you do. Oh, you kidding? Everybody knows that electricity was discovered by Mrs. Benjamin Franklin. Mrs. Franklin. You mean Benjamin Franklin? Oh, Mrs. Benjamin Franklin. One day she and her husband had an argument, and she said, Benjamin, go fly a kite. Oh. Cut out the silliness, Castella. My wife tells me the same thing. I don't invent nothing. In favor? Please. And take a bed warmer over to Mrs. Dingelberger's right away. And be sure you get the right voltage. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you notice the voltage and wattage in her cottage? Did I notice the voltage and wattage in her cottage? Yes. Hey, Abbott, you talk a little stupid. No, no, no, no, Castella. What is her house, AC or DC? It's lousy. No, no. What is the house wired for? What is the house wired for? What is the house wired for? The same thing that all California houses are wired for. And what's that? The keepers are falling apart. No, no. I'm talking about electricity, Castella. Look at that bed warmer. Look at it. You see it there? Now, what does that little tag say? A 40. That means 40 watt. I don't know. I just told you. You told me what? That's right. Correct. You see, Castella, the amount of current used in this bed warmer is 40 watt. I don't know. Look, I'm not asking you. I'm telling you. You're telling me what? Here we go again. Listen. Let me explain it another way. At your house, you have a little electric bulb. Now, what do you see on the bottom of that bulb? Fly. Fly. Oh, no, no, no. All right, look. But suppose the flies weren't there. Then it wouldn't be my house. Well, look. Let me pay attention. On the bottom of your light bulb, it tells you the wattage. wattage was discovered by a man named James What. What is the man's name? Was it Smith? No, no, no. It wasn't Smith. It wasn't Smith. What is the man's name? I give up. I just told you. You didn't tell me nothing. You said, what is the man's name? That's right. What's right? Correct. Just one little simple question. Oh, certainly, Castella. Go ahead. Well, the man who discovered wattage, his first name is James. Correct. Is his last name. Right. Now, tell me the man's name. James Wright. Great doctors in the history of American medicine. Dr. Jacob De Silva Solis Cohen. After serving as a battlefield surgeon in the Civil War, he returned to civilian life to become one of the foremost pioneers in the study of the nose and throat. Among his many achievements was the early use of the laryngoscope, now a routine instrument with all throat doctors. So this salute in his honor and in honor of all the nose and throat specialists who have followed him, broadening knowledge, improving techniques, ministering to the health and comfort of mankind. The makers of camels cannot help but be proud of the standing of this cigarette in the medical profession. The question, what cigarette do you smoke, doctor? Was put to 113,000 doctors by three leading independent research organizations. The brand named most was Camel. According to a recent nationwide survey, more doctors smoke camels than any other cigarette. And now Carl Hoff and his camel orchestra swing into the rhythm favorite, let it know. Costella, see what that lady wants. What can we do for you, madam? Oh, there you are, you little bloated blimp. You're the one that's told me that bottle of leg makeup. Yes, ma'am, what's the matter? Is it the right shade? You fool, I can't get my leg out of the bottle. I tell a lot of medicine in this drug store if you'll do just one thing. And what's that? Stand outside and make people sick. I never mind our Costella. See what that man wants at the prescription counter. He looks like he's in pain. Oh, help, help, young man, help. I've got to have something to make me sleep. I dreamt all night long that grasshoppers were jumping around in my stomach. What did you have for dinner? Grasshoppers. Right, I'll take care of this man after that phone. Doctor, why? I just graduated from medical school. Hey, look, Costella. Here comes the movie actress, Bessie Maymucho. I thought I'd stop in at your drug store and purchase a few packages. First, I would like a large box of Osprin tubelets. Osprin tubelets? Oh, I bet that's where you take when you've got a hootie. Is there anything else, Miss Maymucho? Yes, I'd better have a large bottle of Colf medicine. Colf medicine? Yes. Did you ever wake up in the middle of the night hoaking and coughing? No, but last night I had the snuffles in my nose. My package is ready and send them over in your delivery troop. Oh, I'm very sorry. The troop is broken. I'll have to come over on my rulerskirts. I have to leave you now. Aloha, adios and au revoir. Costella, this man just came in the side entrance. See what he wants. Good morning, sir. Could you get me a glass of water? A glass of water? Water? Champagne. Yeah, I've had these. I've had them for two months. For two months. Two months? Nights. Look, I'll get you some pills for that. Oh, no thanks. I couldn't keep those big pills on my stomach. Well, we'll tape them on. No, quiet, Costella. Here, my good man. Just swallow these big round pills fast and you'll be all right. Oh, thank you. Oh, gee, that's swell. I feel fine. Fine. Side, Costella. Hey, Windward, there comes Mrs. Niles. Oh, there you are, you little pimp squeak. I've got a bone to pick with you. A bone? No, thanks. I'm full. I just had lunch with a cocker Spaniel. Last week when my horse fell down in front of your drugstore and hurt his leg. Yes? Well, when you bandaged up the horse's leg, you tied my leg up with it. So what? In the past week I've run in five races at Santa Anita. Well, Mrs. Niles, how do you do? What's the trouble? Oh, hello, Mr. Abbott. I came over here to collect my rent. You boys have been living in my apartment for a month now and I haven't received a penny. Well, here it is. The rent? No, a penny. Oh, that does it. Costello, if you don't have the rent by noon tomorrow, I'll throw you out of my apartment. And furthermore, I'll have the sheriff attach this drugstore. Mrs. Niles, don't do that. I haven't got any money. How about taking the money and merchandise? Here, Mrs. Niles. How about some of these nice beauty preparations? I don't need any. I spent Friday, Saturday, and Sunday in a beauty parlor. Friday, Saturday, and Sunday in a beauty parlor? Yes. Brother, that's what I call a lost weekend. Squirt, just remember what I said. I either get my rent or I'll sue you going. I'll close this drugstore. Goodbye. Well, Costello, you've got us in hot water again. Mrs. Niles mad at us. We're going to get thrown out of our apartment and we're going to lose the drugstore. Abbott, everything happens to me. Yeah. I'm always in trouble. Look at the bags under my eyes. Maybe I can get rid of these bags by putting some of this cream on them. Costello, be careful of those creams. They're very powerful. Some of them are for weight control. For instance, if the label says fat, you get fat. If it says thin, you get thin. Now, remember that whatever the label says, you get. Yes. That's right. You get what the label says. Call a doctor. What's the matter? What does the label say? Just fuck cigarettes when you smoke, doctor. Three leading independent research organizations put that question to 113,000 doctors all over the United States. General physicians, surgeons, nose and throat specialists, doctors in every field of medicine. The brand most named by the doctors was camel. If you are a camel smoker, this preference will not surprise you. But if you are not now smoking camels, try them. Compare them in your T-zone. T for taste, T for throat. Your own proving ground for a cigarette. Only your taste can decide which cigarette you enjoy most. Only your throat can test a cigarette's mildness. Your T-zone may tell you why. According to a recent nationwide survey, more doctors smoke camels than any other cigarette. And now for camel fans everywhere, here is lovely Amy Arndell to thank you. Some Sunday morning is gold. Some Sunday morning for someone and me. Bells will be chiming. What are you doing up there on that ladder, Castelon? I'm packing clothes in my drugstore because I can't pay the rent. Here, Abbot, catch this little, this big bottle I got. Wait a minute, wait a minute. What's in that bottle? Oh, just some coloring stuff. It's some kind of tint. Tint? Yeah, it's right on the bottle. TNT. Hey, don't throw that bottle. Don't throw that bottle, you dummy. Get off that ladder, Castelon. You hear me? Get down. Now look what you did. Pick up those aspirin tablets. What aspirin tablets? This whole thing is ridiculous, Castelon. You don't have to close up this store. You've got it until noon tomorrow to raise the rent money. Now all we have to do is think this thing over carefully. Let's put our heads together. Now wouldn't that be a pretty picture? It would look like a baseball score. Nothing to nothing. All right. Hey, look, Castelon. Look, Castelon. Look what I found on the bottom shelf. A sack of uranium. Uranium? Certainly. You know what uranium is? My mother has a box and I wouldn't sell full of pink or red uranium. No, no, no, no. Castelon, those are uraniums. And she has some of those brass flowers too. Brass flowers? Yes. Spittoonius. No, no, you dope. Don't you realize what uranium is? That's what they used to make atomic bombs. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Castelon, this is wonderful. I know how you can raise the money to pay the rent. With that little bag of uranium? Yes. All you have to do is invent an atomic bomb. Not me, but I can't stand the noise of any kind. You can't stand noise? No. When I was a little... You could wear... Oh, come on. Look, listen, little please. If you invent an atomic bomb, the whole world will be talking about Luke Castella. Can't you just hear what they're saying? Yeah. Don't you look natural? You don't know what that stuff happened. Oh, come on. This is too good to lose, Castella. Look, I'm going to call like great scientist, Professor Mellonhead. Hello? Hello, Professor Mellonhead. This is Abbott. Get over to Castella's drug store right away. Sorry, I'm in the bathtub right now, taking a bath. But I'll be there as soon as I dress. Well, gentlemen, here I am. Well, that Mellonhead, you still have to make it. Professor Mellonhead, we have just found a sack of uranium. Eureka! Eureka! What do you mean, gentlemen? We can make a bomb. Do you hear a bomb? Tell the professor, Castella. Mellonhead is a great scientist. Yes, sir, Castella. I got my PhD at Harvard, my LLD at Yale. What about you? I got my BBD at Shares Robot. Oh, no. Castella, I'm amazed at your display of ignorance. I, Professor Mellonhead, am one of the country's leading chemists. Why, all day long, I spend my time mixing things in glasses. Mixing things in glasses? Yes, it's made a great scientist out of me. It made a south sort of Ray Mellon. Oh. Please, Castella, I'm not talking about the last or lost weekend. I'm offering you my talent in an effort to invent an atomic bomb within the price range of everybody's purse. Just think of it. I doubt if you have the mental talent to collaborate with me. Now, tell me, Castella, do you know anything about chemistry? Are you kidding? Ask me questions. All right, I'll ask you an elementary question. Name three things that contain starch. A collar and two cups. Oh. Why, Castella, quit. Leave it to the professor, please. This guy's gonna make a bomb out of this sack of junk. Junk? Castella, scientists can do anything. Well, just the other day, a fellow scientist of mine succeeded in getting milk. Milk, mind you, from a peanut. Now, what have you got to say to that? All I can say is he must have had an awful low stool. Wait a minute. You mean to say that you question the veracity of my scientific thesis? Young man, do you realize that they are even making women's clothes out of sour milk? Now, there's a pretty picture. Can you imagine dancing with a girl in a cheese chimise and a girdle curtain? Castella, will you cut it out? Professor, do you really think you can make an atomic bomb? Please, please, do not ask me if I think. Of course I think. I am one of the world's biggest thinkers. Eh, you can speak plainer than that. Silence, Castella. Of course, gentlemen, we cannot experiment with this dangerous element within the confines of the city limits. Now, gather up your sack of uranium, Castella, and meet me in the middle of the Mojave Desert tomorrow morning. Ah, when we explode this bomb, it will be sensational. All atomic bombs in the past have been set off from a point miles away. At this time, we want a man right by the bomb to see what happens in Castella. When we ask for a man to volunteer, who do you think steps forward? Who? You. Who pushed me? Oh. Enough of this nonsense. Now, I'll see you two gentlemen at six o'clock tomorrow morning in the Mojave Desert. Well, good day. I must be off. I must be off. I must be off. And he ain't kin. Ladies and gentlemen, here we are gathered in the lonely waste of the Mojave Desert. We are about to witness a great scientific experiment. All night long, Professor Mellonhead has labored to perfect his atomic bomb. And in exactly three minutes, they will pull the lever that releases this terrible energy. All it requires is a little jerk. That's me, folks. Castello, here comes Professor Mellonhead. Ah, there you are, Castello. Well, we're all ready for the great experiment. Everybody get in the bomb's shelter. Wait a minute, wait a minute, not you, Castello. You're going to stay out here and pull the lever. Abbot, get me out of here. Oh, nonsense, Castello. You have nothing to fear. I have brought with me one of the greatest authorities and the atomic bomb in the whole world, Dr. Philpott's store cheese. Now, I want you, Castello. I want you to meet this great scientific genius. Doctor, say hello to Lou Castello. Hello. I just came from Brazil. You must have come in with the last shipment of nuts. Quiet, Castello. Doctor Store Cheese is going to tell you how to protect yourself when this bomb goes off. Yeah, oh, there's nothing to it. It just calls for perfect timing. When you pull the lever, the machine will go clank, clank, clank. And then finally, it makes a big boom and you go shh. I got news for you. I'm going to go shh before it goes. I'm talking to you now, Castello, in the radio phone, the radio phone in the bomb shelter. Now, are you at your station? I'm at my station. Grasp lever. Grasp lever. Pull. Don't be silly. There's only one man who gets to the moon. That's Superman. And the armed forces who won through to victory. Tonight, we hail the men of the Fifth Infantry, Red Diamond Division, First American Division sent overseas. Veterans of the Iceland occupation and heroes of the Normandy Beachhead, Metz, Luxemburg, Belgium, Germany, Austria and Czechoslovakia. Since the beginning of the war, the makers of camels have sent over 150 million free camels to our fighting men overseas. But now, with demobilization in progress, free camels are sent to servicemen's hospitals instead. This week, the camels go to Veterans Hospital, Walla Walla Washington, U.S. Marine Hospital, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, U.S. Army, Rhodes General Hospital, Utica, New York, U.S. Naval Hospital, Norman, Oklahoma, Veterans Hospital, Tuskegee, Alabama, in your honor, men of the Red Diamond Division. Look to the United States twice a week, our rebroadcast to practically every area in the world where our men are stationed and to our good neighbors in Central and South America. And now, here are Bud and Lou with a final word. Well, Castella, you turned out to be quite a scientist tonight. Yes, and approved to the audience that I really am a scientist. I'd like to invite everybody to stay after the show and I'll get out my bottles and glasses and mix them one of my favorite drinks. No, no, nothing! Wait a minute, you! Hey, listen, fella, I'm just as smart as you are anytime. Oh, yeah, I saw you in Bud last night in your new universal picture, the little giant. Boy, are you a dope. Oh, yeah? A beautiful girl in a baboon. I don't know. You must have some wonderful dates. Ah! Good night, folks. Good night, everybody. Good night! Brought to you by Camel Cigarettes. And remember, try camels in your tea zone. See if they don't suit your taste, your throat to a tea. C-A-M-T-L-S. Prince Albert is the world's largest selling smoking tobacco. Why? Because Prince Albert is choice mellow, tasty tobacco, specially treated to take out tongue bite. Crimp cut to burn slower and cooler. For more smoking pleasure from any pipe, switch to Prince Albert. And be sure on Saturday night to tune in the great Prince Albert radio show, Grand Ole Opry, coast to coast on NBC. War is not over for the Red Cross. Ask any discharged veteran. Ask any soldier in an army of occupation. Ask the men in military hospitals. Ask any welfare worker or public health expert. For a multitude of humane services, including all important disaster relief, the Red Cross needs $100 million for its vast worldwide program. Give now and give generously. And be sure to listen at this very same time next week for the Abbot and Costello show for Camel Cigarettes. Thursday night is all star night on NBC. Stay tuned for Rudy Valley over most of these stations. This is Ken Niles with Hollywood, wishing you all the pleasant. Good night for camels. This is NBC, the national broadcasting company.