 We'll go ahead and get started. Thank you all for being here today. My name is Megan Rush. She's her native pronouns, and I'm actually the partner coordinator of the LGBT Resource Center. And I'm just going to play a little bit of this facilitation role today, because our panelists will be doing most of the talking. So today's panel is actually brought to you by CORE, which is our Community Outreach Educators. We use HOUSE under the LGBT Resource Center. And the committee on HIV and AIDS here at UCR, which I am the former chair of, and Marisol is the current co-chair of. Sorry, I didn't mean to call you apps, I wanted to say hi. And we have two awesome panelists here today to speak with you. So we'll just go ahead and get started. I will go ahead and let you two introduce yourselves. Hi, my name is Eric Gonzalez. I also go by Crescent Rose as my dragon. I am a current student at UCR, third year transfer, and I am majoring in linguistics. Very cool. My name is Rafe DeRozzi. I'm 33, I'm 34 May. I live in West Hollywood, and I bartend half the time. And then the other half, I do a lot of social media, vlogging, in particular talking about living with HIV, fitness, and just becoming a better person overall. So if you talk, you already mentioned that you're HIV positive. Can you both talk about your experiences with finding out your status and how that has either deterred you or interfered with some of your life goals, and what has helped you achieve your goals? For me, when I found out I was living with HIV, I had two choices to make. I could, like, continue a school, or I could, like, just put everything on hold and kind of go for more artistic, rather than perform and drag. And I chose drag because I felt like, at the moment, I really needed an art to, like, really express what I was going through. I was diagnosed with AIDS, actually full-blown AIDS, on my 27th birthday, I think it was 2012. Complete shock to me, I was in a long-term committed relationship. So that was the last thing on my mind, and it was my worst fear in life up to that point. So after I came to terms with that, it's funny that you mentioned, like, deterred or interfered with your life, that diagnosis actually was the catalyst for the biggest positive change, no pun intended, in my life. It spurred me into now I'm a competitive physique bodybuilder, so I'm all about health, I'm a personal trainer. It really just spurred me to really go inward and focus on myself and grow as a person like I'd never had before. So it actually, it was a gift in a way. So oftentimes, people seek out support systems. Can you talk a little bit about, like, what your healthy support systems look like and how you navigate those? One of my health support systems is actually here on campus. I really feel comfortable in the LGBT Resource Center because it's not only like a safe place for, like, clear students or people who identify under all of those categories, but it's also a safe place for me to just, like, be comfortable and be myself and not worry so much about, like, you know, who I am at the moment, but just to, like, you know, just let everything hang out and be comfortable. Another support system I have is kind of the drag community because they allow me the opportunity, the stages to perform in to create different stories. I'm a very open, autist, like, heart on my sleeve kind of person. I've always been that way and I can't keep secrets. So the first thing I did was tell everyone. I told my coworkers, I told my family, I told my friends. And interestingly, everyone was extremely supportive. I know that's not the case for everyone in every situation, but for me, I was lucky and those around me were very supportive. So that was, like, my core support. And from there, I just felt, like, safe to move forward and heal. And by the way, I just want to throw this out there. Like, there's nothing that you can ask me that I'll be, like, offended by or won't want to answer, like, whatever it is in your mind if you want to ask, feel free, please. Going off of support systems, sometimes we can get negative backlash when you come out to somebody in a certain way. Was there anybody, like, you're in a family group or your friends who had a negative reaction because of your new phone status? For me, it was just, one of them was just myself and, like, trying to deal with all this. And I didn't really, I felt like I went through a lot of negative ways to, like, deal with it. I started drinking a lot and I knew that wasn't healthy, but it was the only way I knew how to deal with something. I've grown to, like, understand that part of my life and I've been drinking a lot less because of it. But another negative, like, relationship I've had was with an old friend who didn't really understand what I was going through and had just kept using me for, like, rides or, like, you know, support and when I needed support, he was never there for me and it just really drained me because I was going with my own life struggles and I would often put things on hold just to make someone else feel better but I never had that moment of self-care or that moment of, like, friendship, reciprocation that I needed. For me, I would say it was mostly in the dating realm. By and large, guys were very open and if they were reticent or scared of small conversation, educating them on how it is today, would at least open up their minds to the possibility of dating. So, but there's occasionally, like, a couple of people here in there that were just like, sorry, I can't, but by and large, people were okay with it. That was also another difficult thing for me to get used to is that being open and talking about people and, like, progressing forward, if, like, I was romantically interested in them was always scary because I never knew how they were going to react. And the topic of, like, how do you say it or when do you say it or all those little, like, nuances? How do you disclose? Exactly. Yeah. So, you mentioned a little bit around stigma. How do you navigate the stigma on a daily basis when you come out to people? What are your reactions when you find new information about either positives or negative news and politics around HIV and AIDS? How do you navigate it on a daily basis and what are your feelings around when new stuff comes out, like, articles and people who've been newly diagnosed? One of the support groups I go on is, like, a Reddit subgroup for people living with HIV and that's where I get most of my HIV-related news. I remember recently when they announced that there was a second person that was here living with HIV, that subgroup actually helped me, like, read more of the information beyond the face level of it and understand that they were going, it was like a bone marrow transplant, which is not feasible yet for everyone to go through, but it is a step in the right direction. My thought process with living with HIV has been, okay, so the medication's doing its job, it's not affecting my body anymore, I'm perfectly healthy, I can't even transmit it to other people, so it's really not concerned for me. People say, well, oh, when you take your medication every day, isn't that, like, a constant reminder that you have HIV? And I go, well, I take 20 other supplements every day as well that, like, is so much more than just this one tiny pill that I have to take, so really, for me, it was a mindset that I'm not going to let it define me, I'm not going to worry about it, there's nothing to worry about, it doesn't take away from who I am or my value or my self-worth, so it's just, focus on what I want, my passions, what I want to do with myself, being happy, and that's it. And if it comes up, it comes up, like I said, I bar 10, I'm very social with my guests, so if they're asking me about my personal life, I'll be like, oh yeah, I have a diagnosed with AIDS and feel like, wow, that's an opportunity to just chat and share. Yeah, there was a lot of inward work, I would say it took me about six to nine months, which is about how long it took me to go from having AIDS to having my CD4 under control, to almost being undetectable. During that time, I was listening to Oprah and Deepak Chopra and meditating and the secret and the motivation manifesto, lots of books, lots of self-help, payhouse, just immersing myself in that vision boards, dream boards, like everything I could to completely rewire the way that I think and perceive myself. An opinion question. Well, actually it's a two-part question. Did you have comprehensive sex education? And do you think the actions that led to a positive status would have been different if you had more education around safer sex? So, the irony is that when I was living in Orange County, I was volunteering for a non-profit that was specifically geared towards teaching 18 to 25-year-old males about HIV-AIDS and safe sex. It was called Empower OC. Oh, okay. I worked for a similar organization. I wanted to know if it was the same one. Yeah, it's not even around now. But that was the irony of it, was that I had this wealth of knowledge and education and I was around it. I was volunteering. That's what I was doing. But for me and what I've noticed and what I try to communicate through my vlogs is that it's such a complex issue because just because we're educated doesn't mean we're going to make the right decisions because a lot of it is emotional and psychological. And I think if you're raised to not value yourself or respect your body or if you're so hungry for connection with another human being, you might be willing to compromise on, say, using a condom or being safe or asking the right questions. And that's what I did. I was having unsafe sex before I entered this relationship. So I did get tested negative before I started the relationship but it could have been in that window period where it doesn't show up. Or I could have gotten it from the guy that I was with. I found out he was cheating after that. There's no way for me to know. So that's something I've kind of just made peace with. I wish I had that speech growing up because it was just like, you know, it was just the basic heteronormative stuff like use a condom, try not to just use a condom and be safe. But it really wasn't comprehensive in terms of the LGBTQ community. It was just very vague and not general enough for me. Yeah. And when I was coming out at that point, that's when Ellen DeGeneres was just coming out. And I remember I saw Queer's Folk on TV was probably the only thing I saw at the time. And I saw Angels in America with Meryl Streep. I remember bawling in front of the TV like, whoa, like they get me. There wasn't as much cultural acceptance of LGBT either at the time. So that definitely had a huge impact on my decision making. How do you think conversations around HIV and AIDS have evolved? Because in the 80s, we had the huge initial scare of HIV and AIDS. A lot of people died. What are your feelings and opinions around the evolution around the conversation? I realize that's a heavy question. It's also slightly off script. It's super tricky because, yes, we want to normalize the virus and our perception of it, but at the same time, we don't want to make it so ambivalent about it, that we just do whatever we want and not care for ourselves and make the right decisions. I definitely absolutely think there needs to be more conversation happening. That's why I started vlogging on YouTube. That was the one thing I noticed was like, okay, when I bring up HIV and people talk about role models, the first person they mention is magic. And I'm like, magic Johnson, that was like three decades ago. Who else, Charlie Sheen? I don't know. So I'm like, we need more people that are relevant and current and young and represent the demographic today who have it, who can talk about it openly and educate and normalize it but still communicate the importance of having a knowledge and then doing the right things and also not judging people who have it or thinking, oh, I can't have a relationship or I can't have healthy babies with this person, et cetera. How difficult or easy has it been because I imagine that these medications must be expensive? Do you get them through your insurance? Did you have to like, sometimes when I try to get insurance cover, they'll be like, no, your insurance doesn't cover this, and I have to put in like a special request, like I have to fight for it, like how easy or difficult is that situation? I actually only know that I'm covered through my insurance at the moment. I really don't know what the next step is when soon as I'm off the insurance, but I know that there's a lot of people that have been able to continue living and take their medication. To me, that's just like a big question I have not thought about fully yet because in a way, it kind of scares me, but I know that there's a lot of resources out there to help me. There's government-funded programs, like ADAP, OAHIP, that help take care of people. Ryan White was a big case that helped get that going. So for someone basically who makes under 60K approximately a year, they can get fully-funded, paid-for health insurance, which will cover the cost of HIV medication. So I don't have to worry about paying for that. Now, that doesn't mean that people don't fall out of that system or that there's not accessible places and resources to go to. In California, it's a lot easier, but that can look different nationwide. So you don't need to be worried, because you live in California. I'm a part of a group on campus called Lady Med School. Each group has a special team, a special area that they focus on, and my group does HIV and AIDS awareness. So I guess my question to you then is, as somebody who is positive, what are things that people who are not positive can do to help your community, because you kind of are a community of people. Especially in terms of... For our group, we go to a lot of younger venues where it's a high school kid. We have all this knowledge about the fact that it's not a death sentence or that there's lots of health, there's lots of different resources out there. But how do you convey that to people and maybe to people who aren't as knowledgeable or don't want to even come up to your table and look at you? Yeah, it's tough because of the people not wanting to be associated with it. Even though they might not have anything to do with it, they don't want to just be seen. So I think that requires a lot of proactivity on your part, on approaching people and having just being the source of comfort. No, this isn't scary and we're just having a conversation, which is tougher for you. Even on my vlogs in the comments, if people make a comment, a lot of them feel the need to say, oh, I'm not positive, but this is my comment because they are putting themselves out there and they think that just because they're watching my video and making a comment that everyone's going to assume this person has HIV and God forbid. So I totally get where you're coming from and it's tough, yeah. On a side note, I've been watching Drag Race on BH1 and I've been seeing a lot of advertisements on PREP. So I feel like that's also another way that we're reaching in the right direction in terms of advocacy and spreading the right information because those commercials are very uplifting in a way that it's not treating it like a death sentence, it's just showing actual people. Are you like the resource for all your friends who go get tested? I have had a few people come up to me, not a lot, not as many as I would think and not as many as I'm sure that there are who have tested positive. When I do get messages, it's from people that I don't know on social media throughout the US or internationally who are scared and don't know what's going on or where to go or resources or they're like, I haven't told a single person, I've had it for two years, you're the first person I'm talking to about it. So, yes, to answer your question. But it's usually not in my inner circle, it's out. Any other final questions? Yeah. So I guess if someone are close friends or someone with HIV positive, it's a good way to put forth them. That's a great question. And that I think is a huge part of it is being like you're still my friend, you're still the exact same person you were before, doesn't change who you are, you're still worthy of love and there's like a thousand resources for you and you can be completely healthy, you're not going to die, you can live just as long as anybody else, it's completely manageable, like don't worry. I will be your friend and I will take you step by step through the process and we'll figure it out and once you do, you'll be old and like literally you can go to a clinic and then they will guide you and take you through the process, get you on medication. And then once it becomes a system, a habit, then it's just a matter of following that and going about your life. Thank you so much to Eric for organizing this panel. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Bye, thanks guys.