 Item number SCP-118-J Object Class Safe Special Containment Procedures SCP-118-J is to be contained at Site-19 until further notice by allowing him to work with whatever it is that SCP-118-J does around here anyway. SCP-118-J can be assigned further research duties, but prolonged interaction may cause individuals to exceed their daily sodium intake. It is not advised to agitate SCP-118-J as it causes SCP-118-J to grow in size. In the event of an explosive outburst, Foundation personnel are advised to tell SCP-118-J to chill and remind them of their condition through an interrogative statement. Description SCP-118-J is formerly Foundation researcher Dr. Michael Magnus, who is transformed into a substantial quantity of common table salt after an unfortunate incident in the Site-19 cafeteria. After this incident, SCP-118-J has become a giant pile of salt, with a lab coat and a pair of glasses in there somewhere. SCP-118-J is still able to perform his research duties for the Foundation, though the amount of salt he admits while doing so is staggering. Salt emissions have been observed to increase around payday, and after sporting events involving the Pittsburgh Steelers' American football team, SCP-118-J has been observed to increase in the total volume of salt when agitated or corrected. As such, it is recommended to try and keep SCP-118-J calm. Here to do so may endanger your cardiovascular health. Researcher Kensington observed the transformation of Dr. Magnus on November 17, 2004, after he became agitated and entered a salt state, hereafter referred to as Conditioned Posterior Damaged during their shared lunch break. At this time, there is no known cure for SCP-118-J's condition, and will most likely remain a giant pile of salt until he dies. Dr. Magnus' Note Get fucked, Kensington. You took that last plate of carbonara, when you knew I wanted it. It doesn't make me salty, you giant chode. Stop posting this shit to the database. They're already murdering my inbox because of this. Addendum NACL On February 6, 2011, there was a major breach event which concluded with SCP-118-J entering Conditioned Posterior Damaged at approximately 10pm, following what was described in its own words as a complete shit show, Chofest. Researcher Kensington was observed to then hold out his hand and demand restitution for some form of prearranged bet. Dr. Magnus was observed to be a total dick in Welch. It is unknown at this time whether his inability to pay up is due to his condition as SCP-118-J or if he's just that much of a baby. Addendum K2-CR-207 On June 27, 2015, after losing a round of the video game Nidhogg to Researcher Kensington, SCP-118-J was inquired as to his emotional state while implying fraternal relation. This immediately caused a Conditioned Posterior Damaged, which led to unprecedented ambient salt levels in the immediate vicinity. Due to the amount of damage caused to Researcher Kens' totally sweet rig that he spent like three grand on over a game of Nidhogg for fuck's sakes, it's recommended at this time to never inquire of SCP-118-J's emotional state or familial fraternal relation. Because he can't take a goddamn joke, and is like 7,000 years old and doesn't recognize a meme. Dr. Magnus' Note Get fucking bent, you cheated! Addendum C4-H6-BN-A03-S On December 25, 2015, Researcher Kensington participated in the Site-19 Secret Santa Exchange, having received SCP-118-J's given name. As part of the tradition, Researcher Kensington purchased an ordinate salt shaker for SCP-118-J, feeling he would appreciate a joke, and have somewhere decorative to store some of his salt. Researcher Kensington underestimated SCP-118-J's inability to take a joke, and SCP-118-J entered Conditioned Posterior Damaged as usual. Such was the magnitude of SCP-118-J's saltiness that other research staff around him were affected as well. No less than ██████ research staff were transformed into huge piles of salt as a result of SCP-118-J's shitty mood, and the general consensus was that SCP-118-J ruined the office Christmas party with his inability to take a joke. Dr. Magnus' Note Kensington, you irredeemable fuckwad ornate salt shaker might dick. I didn't ruin shit, and delete this goddamn database entry.