 Believe it or not, emotionally healthy men want something more than sex, although sex is oftentimes on our mind. So I wanna read something I wrote to prepare for today because I think it's really important to understand that while men are often driven by sex, emotionally healthy and mature men need something more. Here's the problem. Most men over 40 are wounded from their childhood or their adult experiences. They are almost incapable of profound commitment beyond occasional companionship, occasional connection and occasional sex. I wanna think about this for a moment. Wounded people who have not healed from their wounds, whether it was from their childhood or from their adult traumas, oftentimes are incapable of commitment and all they really seek is occasional companionship, occasional connection and occasional sex. In fact, we saw a proliferation of this during COVID where people were cooped up at home and what did they do? They connected with people through their smartphones, through their devices to temporarily connect with someone, temporarily have phone sex with someone. When I say temporarily, excuse me, I mean occasionally and what we found is that human beings who haven't healed their childhood wounds and traumas are incapable of the deeper love that I'm about to talk about. And when I say the five things men need, let me just be clear about this. Women need these exact five things as well. This isn't singular to men. So why is it that so many women in particular who seek committed relationship, who seek love find themselves in dynamics where they're with men who only want occasional companionship, occasional connection and occasional sex. And why have I repeated myself several times? Because when you experience someone who is interested in you a little bit, many of you are hanging out hope for the little bit that he gives you and then you're asking yourself, you're asking yourself, well, why is he giving me a little bit of companionship? Why is he giving me a little bit of connection? Why is he giving me a little bit of sex? He must like me. He must want something deeper if he's giving me a little bit. But ladies, have you ever heard the term bread crumbing? I'd be shocked if you didn't, but bread crumbing are those people that give you little bits of something but they're not giving you the full meal. Now part of the problem is many of you do not have the skills to vet. And if you're not familiar with vetting, vetting is the evaluation period to determine if it's worthy to invest time in someone, vetting, screening, filtering out people. That is what dating is all about. Dating isn't about let's just have a good time. Let's focus on having a good time. Let's live in the moment and have a good time. How many men tell you frequently all they wanna do is just have a good time and live in the moment. And yet here's the challenge with living in the moment. You can find yourself getting attached to a person who is incapable of anything more than, I'm gonna repeat myself, occasional companionship, occasional connection and occasional sex. So it's critical. I think the more important question rather than what a man needs, I invite you all to ask what do you need? That is the critical question. What do you need to feel safe in a relationship? What do you need to trust in this relationship? What do you need with respects to how you want a relationship to look? Many of you have settled for these crumb-based relationships hoping for something more. And do you know the average woman will spend anywhere from two to five years hoping that this guy will turn around? If I just give him more love, if I just give him more love, if I just give him more, if I just double down on giving him more, he will choose me. The vast majority of men and women are wounded in their 40s. They have unresolved childhood wounds or adult trauma. So let me give you an example of childhood wounds, okay? If you're not familiar with the book attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, here's a copy of the book. By the way, all the books I recommend are in the description below. Here I'll put this in the banner right here so you can see this. All my book recommendations, the book attached. This is to understand love attachment style. If you've heard the term avoidant, fearful avoidant, dismissive avoidant, anxious attachment style, secure attachment style, all of these types of attachment styles are a trauma that happened in someone's childhood. And this is their baseline for choosing a partner in the future. And sadly, many men are in the avoidant category. They are in the avoidant category. These are men who are fearful of love because of traumas that happened in childhood. One of the most significant traumas that happened in childhood is divorced. Today, we have seen a proliferation of divorce. Many of you who are in midlife are byproduct, your children are a byproduct of a divorce. And this is gonna have ramifications, rippling effects on how they approach love as they get older. It doesn't really start to surface until someone starts hitting their 30s or 40s. This is where all the childhood wounds and traumas bubble up. And many humans have gone unhealed. In addition, I was sharing with you, there's two types of things you might wanna consider or two books you might wanna, oops, not the book, What the heck, My Men Love Bitches. We'll talk about that in a moment. The book, Getting the Love You Want by Halval Hendricks and Helen Hunt. This is to understand the amago. The amago is I-M-A-G-O. Someone write that in the chat box. This is for those of us that tend to relive an experience like our parents, like what we experienced in childhood. Have any of you dated your father? Have any of you dated your mother? I know I've dated my mother several times. What I mean to say that personality type and that we choose those people because it's familiar to us and we haven't healed the traumas from childhood. Now let's focus on adult traumas, divorce. Roughly, do you know 75% of singles who are over 45 years old? This is anecdotal by the way, are divorced. Divorce is an unraveling of the tapestry of our old lives. And for many of us, it can leave scars and wounds. There is actual PTSD, is it PTSD? There's another form of shorter form. I forgot what it's called now. It just escapes me in the moment. That can be an incredibly traumatic event going through a divorce or a significant breakup. And if the woman broke up with the man, that can leave a scar for the man who could take years upon years upon years to get healed. You know, excuse me, I got something in my teeth. Excuse me. Alison Armstrong talks about something called the tunnel men go through. If you're not familiar with the book, where is it? The Queens Code. The Queens Code by Alison Armstrong. She talks about the tunnel men go through. I can tell you, I went through this tunnel. It's also known as a midlife crisis. What happens in midlife crisis is men aren't capable of truly committing. And yet we want that occasional companionship. We want that occasional connection. We want that occasional, well, we want sex regularly, but it's at our timeframe, okay? A lot of men go through this and you are choosing men. Many of you just have a broken picker. In fact, if you need some support with that, right here is a link to its free discovery call with me. It's also a link below. My job, my area of expertise is to help you make better choices because guess what? Eight out of 10 men aren't even capable of a commitment. I can teach you how to put the odds in your favor for those 20% through what I call the growers and the builders, these are the men who have a capacity to fall deeply in love with you. And I can help you with that. Okay, with that said, I wanna address one more thing before we get into the five things men need more than sex and that is just remember ladies, these days you're meeting most likely a total stranger, a total stranger. I am shocked at how many women will travel to go meet a total stranger who they've never, who they've had little communication with and on the hopes because there's been some connectivity over the telephone, over FaceTime, believing that this person is a possibility as an example. Just remember, you're meeting total strangers. It is your job to find out every nook and cranny about this person. Who was his first crush? Who was his favorite teacher in grade school? What was his favorite childhood memory? Did he have a good relationship with his parents? Think of all the things you might need to know to actually feel a sense of trust and safety with a person. And I'm just pick those off the top of my head. I want you to think about it. It used to be 60, 70, 100 years ago, anybody we made it with was within our tribe. There was no degrees of separation. You either knew them or there was one degree of separation. Now I want you to think about it. You might have four, you probably have two to three degrees of separation, but do you know anybody who knows this person that you're communicating with? Once you think about that, do they know this person? Do they know this person's background? What they went through in childhood? What kind of character do they have? Do you know what's interesting? Many of you will fall for the chemistry piece without ever determining this person's character. And just remember, it's not just about being strangers out there and it's not just about meeting strangers. You also, if you want to meet a quality guy, you have to put yourself out there to be seen by these men who are the growers and the builder. So it requires making effort. And if you don't like this, I'm sorry. That's the reality of the world we live in. I'm just here to report the news. Do I have a little bit of judgment and bias? Yes, I do. I'm certainly biased against bias for protecting women because I'm your big brother. If I could be there on a first date with the shotgun pointed at the guy's head saying, what's your intentions with my little sister? That's what I would do for you and you have to do that for yourself. Okay, so now let's just assume you've actually determined that this person you're with is emotionally healthy. He's emotionally mature and he genuinely wants to explore a fully committed relationship with you. Well, we're gonna share those five things he wants more than sex. And guess what? You want these same five things too. So I pulled up my trusty notes. Let's share these. Number one, and again, this is men and women alike. Number one, respect. And it starts on the very first date. You know, I think back to before I met my sweetheart, Marie, there's a picture of her when we did karaoke. Before I met her, I probably have had dozens if not hundreds of first dates. Do you know how many women were late for the first date? I'm gonna say 50, 60, 70% of women were late. You know what? To me, that shows a lack of respect. People who are, I'm just using late as an illustration of respect, but it starts on the very, by the way, men have been late on first dates too. I think it's a lack of respect because I promise you, if you had a five o'clock dinner date with someone for drinks or something like that, and that was your boss, I promise you, you never would have been late for that. If it was your child that need to be picked up from school, you wouldn't be late for that. And yet for a total stranger, many of us operate from a lack of respect. As I said before, I can think, and by the way, I'm ridiculously punctual. Any of my clients know I call them literally on the dot of a coaching session. If it's a five o'clock call, I'm on the phone at 459.30 seconds getting ready to dial. But that's first date respect. What about demonstrating genuinely respecting a person? We all as human beings want to feel respected to some degree because that's how we feel cherished when a person respects us for who that we are. And if we have judgment for what they do for a living or criticisms or don't like their behavior or don't respect their parenting style, that's gonna be problematic in relationship. So number one is respect. We all want that. Is that an agreement? I think we can agree. Number two is trust. Do you feel safe to be yourself? Do you feel accepted for being yourself? That's what trust is, is being accepted for who you are. Trust isn't just about fidelity. Trust is, does this person have my best interest at heart? Do my feelings matter to them? That's really the core element of trust is does this person have my best interest at heart and do they accept me for who I am? And there's an old saying, men marry women hoping they don't change and women marry men hoping they do change. Let me tell you something. The minute someone tries to change us for who we are it's gonna be problematic. Now, I'm not here to suggest you be a doormat in a relationship and accept bad behavior from a man. Absolutely not. Never in your life should you accept bad behavior. But listen, I'm no picnic to be with. My girl Marie says to me, I'm exhausting at times because I like to unpack things. I'm a pseudo therapist. I like to uncover things. She's more of a doer and I'm more of the thinker if you will. Well, that's not true too. She can go into her cycles of overthinking. But my point is is we each have a style within us that might be not our ideal style and yet we accept one another and that builds trust. And if you need some help learning how to build trust again, schedule a discovery call with me. Many of you do not know the five elements for building trust and I can help and support you on that. By the way, is this content resonating with you? If it is, please hit that like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel now. Okay, number three, emotional connection. Now within emotional connection, the key elements are friendship, fun, play and laughter. Friendship, fun, play and laughter. I can't believe how many of you are in relationships where the two of you don't play together. You don't laugh together. You don't really have a friendship. I was work, I worked with a woman several years ago she was in a committed relationship for something like nine months and there was some problems. My first question, how good of friends are you with each other? And she thought about it and she goes, we're not really good friends. All we do is we get together, we have dinner, drinks or something like that. We have sex and then each one of us goes our separate ways. Do you know, that's just friends with benefits. And quite frankly, you're not really friends. We use the term friends so loosely but a friend is a person you can share from your heart. You can say almost anything to someone who's a friend. Men need friendship just like women need friendship and yet today what's happening is you're not experiencing friendship with men. What you are experiencing is what I call therapy. Many men call you up to talk about all their problems to dump their problems on you to vent. By the way, women do this the same as well. And many of you find yourself in a trauma bond with each other. And what I mean by a trauma bond, you're in a trauma loop just expressing all the problems in your life, your marriages, your past experiences, your relationship experiences, your professional life, your children and all your acting is not as friends with one another, your acting as therapists for one another. And a lot of times it's a one-sided event, emotional connection. We men are thirsty for it just like you, those emotionally grown up men, not those men who are wounded and unhealed, not those men that have adult traumas that are unhealed. Number four, there's gonna be a few here. What men need is to be your priority. They need to be pampered and validation. This is from the book, The Five Love Languages. If you're not familiar with The Five Love Languages, I highly recommend checking out this book but within priority, pampered and validation. Priority is quality time. Ladies, don't you wanna feel like a person's priority? Yeah, men wanna feel like a priority too. That's when you spend quality time with one another. To be pampered, well, that's physical touch and gifts to pamper someone. Physical touch and gifts, this is the Five Love Languages. And lastly, validation. We all wanna be validated for who we are. It's a human need to be validated to be complimented. Now, a lot of men are deeply wounded. They're unable to receive. Why don't you think about this? Being able to receive is a critically important aspect in a relationship because if someone can't receive, they might be de facto takers in a relationship. In other words, or excuse me, let me rewind that. They are able to receive, but they're not able to give. That's a taker. But if he's not able to receive and he's not able to give, he's basically blah. He's not giving you anything in the relationship and he's not able to receive your love. That's not a healthy way to approach a relationship. And yet those men who are emotionally grown up are thirsty to be a priority, to be pampered and to be validated. And last but not least, to be teammates in a relationship. This is where access service from this book comes in. You know, ultimately, the men who are gonna go the distance, they are seeking partners that are teammates. You help each other out. Many of you know my sweetheart is Marie. There she is. By the way, she comes back in town tonight. She'll be on our live stream tomorrow. Hopefully, inshallah. But she joins me on my live stream. She's a teammate in my life. I take her and do, I take her to the doctor when she needs to. I help in her personal life. We're integrated in each other's lives as teammates for one another. That's what men want more than sex. And yes, sex is a critical piece in the relationship. And not everybody is capable of that, I get it. But it's still kind of the driving force for men because it occupies a lot of our brain power. But at the end of the day, that men that want something more, they wanna be teammates. They wanna be a priority. They wanna be pampered. They wanna be validated. They want the emotional connection. They want trust. And as I said in the beginning, they want respect. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know if it is. If it is, please hit that like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel. All right. It's time for Q&A. So those who know my format, if you have a question for me, write the word question in the chat box, or you can purchase and then write your question thereafter or you can purchase a Super Sticker Super Chat. All the monies from the Super Sticker Super Chat goes to a scholarship fund in the name of my son, Connor Asley. That's a picture of him right there when he was a child. He's my son who passed away almost five years ago. And in his honor, we donate to causes like the Hoffman process and Insight Institute, just to name a few. Hey, I want to give a shout out to Allison, who's one of the members in our YouTube channel membership. If you're not familiar with that, I highly recommend joining my YouTube channel. This is the link to it. And there's the description below to join my YouTube map. This gives you a special badge. I give you a shout out. And also we have private videos and private conversations in the community page. So all right, let's see what we got here. Jennifer went on to write, respect, trust, emotional connection, your priority pampered validation and to be teammates. By the way, number four had three in there because I should have done this as seven. So thank you so much. I did get, let's see, I did have someone right in. I want to go to bear with me everyone for a second. Someone did write in a question. I thought it was worth sharing. Hold on. Come on. And now I gotta find it. It's gonna take me a sec. Oh, I saw your video three common insecurities most men feel posted two years ago. I think it would be best. I've seen from you many thanks for your quality content. Could you help women understand that insecurities men often feel? I believe we women need to learn more about how the middle-aged man, this is centered around erectile dysfunction. So a question. So I mentioned in the video how our ability to perform sexually or our inability to perform sexually might cause insecurities in relationships and a reluctance to fully commit. Now folks, I'm not an expert in this area of biology if you will and physiology and all that stuff of some of the causes. I know most men at midlife, those men over 45, 50 years old, most of them are having some sort of erectile dysfunction, myself included. I am very familiar with the blue pill. It helps put blood flow into our body so it allows us to have a harder erection. The question is how do you talk about this to a partner about erectile dysfunction? I think one way to approach it is to be curious and talk about it from a third party perspective. So if you're with somebody, hey, Tim, I was talking to one of my male friends at work and he was sharing some of his problems with erectile dysfunction. I'd just be curious what you know about it and how do men deal with this? Come at it from a place of curiosity, spark up a conversation from a curious place to get him talking about it. And he might go, if he feels safe enough with you to talk about it, remember trust is critically important in a relationship. That might be an opportunity to delve into it because men are gonna be reluctant. However, when a man feels emotionally safe with you, they feel a level of trust with you. They're more apt to talk about it. The reality is these days, ladies, I wanna say something. Remember I said earlier we're meeting total strangers? I think it's imperative to do a lot more vetting before you give your heart to someone and certainly give your body. If you're not familiar with the book, Eight Dates by Doctors John and Julie Gottman, I highly recommend reading this book before the penis ever goes inside the vagina, folks. And if nothing else, read chapter one on trust and commitment. If you're not familiar with the critically important mechanics to a healthy, happy relationship, then how can you actually expect to be in a healthy, happy relationship with someone? This book will be your guide, your roadmap, to determining how to really, to understand the mechanics of a healthy, happy relationship. And yet many of you are afraid and yet you so talk about Jonathan, communication's the most important thing in a relationship. And yet many of you are silent when it comes to communication. So don't tell me honest communication is critical and yet you're silent at speaking up. If you're not familiar with my book, again, my book, What the Heck of Self Love? Anyway, A Journey of Personal Development, Self Up in Spiritual Work, check this book out. Chapter one, Speak Your Truth, do it with kindness. Stop being afraid to speak your truth. All right, I'm done on my rant. All right, Savvy writes a question. I helped a man back from the depths of despair to the top, then he goes to me. Now he's head over heels for someone else. Why don't they appreciate how loyal and committed you are to them? Great question, okay. Savvy, what happens is when a woman is there for a man when he's in the pit of despair, what happens is you've seen him at his worst, okay? When you've seen a man at his worst and he's healed from that, he oftentimes doesn't want to, he doesn't want to be reminded of being in the pit of despair and you remind him of the pit of despair. So what happens is he ends a relationship with you to go be a bright, shiny penny to someone else. This is why ladies, it is not your job to heal a man. It is not your job to heal a man. It is your job to find already pre-healed people, okay? And I'm sorry this happened to you, Savvy, and this is a very common tale for those of you that are beautiful caretakers. Don't be a caretaker for someone's emotional needs. If he's not capable, then you should be moving on. And that's what happened in this case. He wanted to be a bright, shiny penny to someone new. So thank you, Savvy. Alley writes, question. My long distance relationship in two and a half years is the opposite. He doesn't want sex. I think something happened. When I asked, he says he's working on it. He has ADHD, 59 years old, spends a lot of time, a lot of money. He spends a lot of time, money to see. Okay, all right, so really quickly, a two and a half year long distance relationship and he doesn't want sex, do you want sex? I would say I'd hope you want sex. Again, long distance relationships, my guess is you've seen each other maybe a few times and yet you've invested two and a half years to someone who isn't capable, my guess is of the type of relationship that you're looking for. Folks, let me be clear about something. If you're seeking a day in, day out relationship, okay, day in, day out, at a minimum, you spend on average two, three, four days and nights a week together doing shared activities, hobbies, mutual interests, spending time with family and friends, traveling together, teamwork, building skills, both in your personal and your professional life and intimacy, both physical and emotional intimacy, long distance dating is the worst vehicle to build that kind of relationship. Quite frankly, in the first 90 days, ideally you wanna spend as much time as you can physically possibly be together to determine if you're a fit for one another. I'm talking, this is a time where you just dive in, you see each other, but now you're gonna go, but Jonathan guys don't wanna do that. Well, guess what? He doesn't get your vagina unless that's what he wants to do. And if it's long distance, then he's not gonna be able to invest that kind of time to get to know someone. Folks, I want you to think about this for a moment. Why don't you think about this for a moment? How many of you have dated for years only to find out you're incompatible with one another? Could you imagine if you moved in together in the first 60 days, I'm just making this up hypothetically, you would have found out that he is a pain in the ass to be with, but our current dating process is a long strung out version of friends with benefits and you're not quite friends with one another and you're not really getting benefits with one another. You're just sample, it's like going to Costco every couple of weeks and going to get the sample table. That's how many of you are accepting those kinds of crumbs. If you want something deeper, then you gotta spend a lot of time together in a short period of time. Is this sinking in? Okay, I'm done ranting there. All right. Heidi wrote, question, is there a way to get a man out of the tunnel syndrome? The answer is no, it is not your job to get a man out of the tunnel when I went into the tunnel right after my divorce and I lost my quarter million dollar a year job. It took me, I probably went down to the bottom of the pit of despair over a seven year period and it took me seven years to get out of the pit of despair. 13, 14, 15 years, it took me from 2005 till about 2018. Mine was a 12, 13, 14 year journey in the tunnel. Okay, your problem is are you meeting a man who's entered the tunnel or are you meeting a man who's exiting the tunnel? Many of you are meeting men entering the tunnel. It could be years and guess what happens? These are the men that have transition relationships. These are the men that use you. These are the men who want the occasional companionship, the occasional connection, the occasional sex. What are some of the precursors to going into the tunnel? Adult traumas, divorce, job loss, just to name a few, and unhealed childhood wounds and traumas. Ladies, you've got to find out everything you can about his childhood, everything you can about his relationship with his parents. There is gold in that information. But Jonathan, I just love him. I can just love him through all his problems. I can just love him up and he will just want me. No, you can't do that. You can't save someone who's in the tunnel. Your job is to find the men out of the tunnel. By the way, many of you women are no picnic either. Many of you women are just in a different, you're in a vortex. It's kind of circling like this. Men are in the tunnel, you're in a vortex. You just got a loop going on of what's the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. If you need some support on that, that's my job. Check out a discovery call with me to see if I can help you. KS William says, your rants are so on point, Jonathan. Thank you so much. I just go into my rants. Let's see, I saw something else here. Savvy said, question. So once that relationship falls apart, do I ghost him when he tries to come back? You don't ghost anyone. That's inconsiderate to ghost someone. What you do is you stand in your sovereign. By the way, I guarantee his relationship will blow up and guess what he'll do? He'll come back to you. Now, let me give you an analogy to understand this. My son, there's Colin right there. When he was 14 years old, he wanted to get a video game and it was coming out at midnight at Best Buy. So there was this line that formed up. I think it was Halo, okay? Big line that formed up. We got there earlier, the first 20 people. There was a thousand people waiting to get in to get Halo and he got the game and he played it and he played it and he played it and he played it and he played it. Then he calls me up a couple months later, Dad, can you take me to the GameStop? There's a new video game called Duke Nukem coming out at midnight. I'm like, what about Halo? He goes, I'm done using Halo. Okay, so we go and buy Duke Nukem and he goes and he plays and he plays and plays. So one day I'm asking him, hey Colin, do you ever play Halo? He goes, yeah, occasionally it's on the shelf. I can go use it whenever I want. Ladies, that's what men do. They put you up on a shelf. You're just happily waiting there. I wonder when he's gonna call. I wonder when he's gonna call. I wonder, but he's with another relationship and he's having sex with that other person but I hope he calls me. I hope he calls me. And by the way, I'm being rhetorical savvy. Folks, if he's dumped you for another woman, have some self-respect. If he didn't see your value in the beginning, he's not gonna see your value later. Does anyone agree with me? Say yes, Jonathan, I agree with that. All right. Let's see, if another question popped up. Should I be dating if I'm in the tunnel syndrome? Well, you know what? Dating, here's the problem with dating. Do you date with integrity? See, men date with integrity. They're very upfront. I'm only looking for casual. I'm not ready for a serious relationship. I'm dating multiple people at a time. Many of you will accept that. You'll accept crumbs. And I'm sure you'll find many men that will accept crumbs. By the way, it's easy for you to get laid. Women hold the cards on sex. So that will be an easy thing, most likely for you to do. But are you being fair to someone? Are you being an integrity? Folks, I'm not proud of the first decade after my divorce. No, well, not decade, for the first half a decade after my divorce, because I was a train wreck. I wouldn't be able to teach this if I didn't experience the fact that I was really fucked up. And my dating behavior was a reflection of that. That's how I can coach, because I was that. It's like the person that was the burglar who now helps the FBI, because he knows all the tricks. I'm the same thing. I'm like that hacker in computers who now works for the NSA. Because I know all the tricks that happen. I know all the scams men do, because I've been there. This is what makes me a unique coach. Look, and I've got contemporaries. They're a decade younger than me. They're married with children. Great guys, but they haven't been through alimony, child support, visitation rights, erectile dysfunction, well, some of them might. Elderly parents in assisted living, going through dating women who are going through menopause and then the whole swipe dating culture and dealing with that, I've been there. I've been in the trenches and I met someone through a dating site. That's how I met Marie. And we did long distance. And I can tell you long distance is a mess. And yet many of you will accept these crumb relationships. I'm doing another rant. Okay, I need a good question. So coming back to it, should I be dating? You can do whatever you want, but just be an integrity. That's the most important thing. By the way, if you haven't read the book, the four agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz, I highly recommend this book. Be an integrity. These are the four agreements. Does anyone read the four agreements? Let me know. Let's see, Allison, one of our members says, Savvy, you need to put yourself first. Make yourself your priority. Exactly. Hey, we have a question from Sherry. I met a man who lives four hours away. We got along like long lost friends. Then his doctor told him to break it off because he is a narcissistic tendencies. I figured we could work through it. Wow. So his doctor told him he has narcissistic tendencies and you wanna work through it. First off, that's a red flag if I ever heard one where his doctor said, the fact that he's telling you he has narcissistic tendencies. This is like, let me try to give you an example. Like a man who walks up to you and says, I'm gonna rob your house. And you're like, yeah, go ahead and do it instead of calling the police. That's a crude analogy, but Sherry, run, forest run. That's scary to think. If someone says, they're basically telegraphing how they're gonna fuck you over. That's not cool. That's not cool. That's just my two cents on that anyway. Gloria writes, Jonathan, it's discouraging hurts at times. It's so hard to find real love with a good man that wants a relationship with each of us. That's done the inner work. Look at ladies, I get it. The odds are not in your favor. They're not, they're not in anyone's favor. Unless you're rich and good looking, that gets you access to opportunities, but that doesn't necessarily mean you're gonna have emotionally healthy people. This is why I created my private coaching. My job, I just had a client. She just finished coaching with me two months ago. She's gone on six, I shouldn't say this. She's gone on six dates with a guy. I don't wanna give any more information, but he's being a gentleman. He's not, it's not all about sex. This guy is a gentleman. He's got class, he's got wit, he's handsome. And I think to myself, well, it's because she does a great job vetting. And those are some of the things we worked on when I coach with her. If you wanna, yes, it is disheartening out there. There is no doubt about it. My job is to put the odds in your favor. And that's why you might wanna work with a coach. Because listen, every professional has a coach in their life. Every athlete has a coach. Every professional, I have a coach. I meet with her every Thursday. If you, because a coach is someone to help you see your blind spots and having a male dating coach see your blind spots is so much easier because women will tell you what you wanna hear and a man gives it to you straight. I'm sorry, you ladies, and I have dear friends who are coaches, but I think, you know, and I'm not here to disparage them in any way. I'm just gonna say a man gives it to you way straighter because we see you from the male perspective. That's something a female coach can't do for you at least in the dating realm. At least if you wanna understand men, a man is the better coach to work with. And I'll probably get in trouble for what I just said. All right, let's keep going. Allison says, I agree with that. Thank you so much. Sherry asks, what is the tunnel syndrome? Let me see if it's actually in this book that talks about the tunnel. Okay, in the book, the Queens Code by Allison Armstrong. I wonder if she has it in the back. The tunnel is basically midlife crisis. Basically every human being goes through some level of midlife crisis. I can't remember what chapter it is in this book, the Queens Code. By the way, there's a link below to get the copy of the books I recommend. The tunnel is the midlife. Okay, the way I help maybe a better analogy for the tunnel is when a man's blueprint of where he thought his life was gonna be like collides with his reality. That's where midlife crisis happens. What's that movie with Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet, something road, repetition road, revolutionary road, I can't remember the movie. It's a great example of where Leonardo DiCaprio and actually she, they both have midlife crisis. That's what the tunnel is. The moment you enter into this place of despair, this place of uncertainty, the questions that come up is who am I? Why am I here? What is this all for? And many people don't contemplate those questions from a spiritual perspective and they're operating life from their ego from that materialistic vantage point. Watch any reality show, the Kardashians, the Housewives of Beverly Hills or Orange County. These are materialistic people that operate from their ego and I don't give a shit if Kim Kardashian hears me say this. She might be the sweetest woman on the planet, but all they care about is being billionaires. It's very materialistic in my mindset. That show, all that does is hype materialism, which is very superficial. And so ego-based relationships, people that are stuck in the tunnel, they're stuck in their ego. And within the ego, we do something called rationalization, lies, L-I-E-S, a rational L-I-E-S station, rationalization, we can talk ourselves into accepting bad behavior from people, the definition of insanity, doing the same things over and over again, expecting different results. Many of you women are in your own loop, you're not in the tunnel. Remember I said the men are in the tunnel and you're in the vortex, you're just in this loop of doing the same things over and over again, expecting different results. This is why I say, ladies, you can sit in your thumb and in energy and wait for a man to claim you or you can be in charge of your relationship destiny. That's another rant. Okay, did that add value for anyone? Please let me know. KS says, many men are stuck in the tunnel, have no understanding on how to heal and relate to women who has healed. When a woman stands in her own authority and demands a man to level up, he disappears. Well said, well said, well said. Exactly. When you stand in your sovereignty, your self-worth, your self-esteem, what I call self-love. All right, let's keep going. Princess says, I want a serious relationship but I'm also dealing with a past trauma. Well, guess what? If you are healing your past trauma, actually being in a relationship chips is where you do the deeper healing. Again, I've mentioned the book, Getting the Love You Want by Harvelle Hendricks, okay? This is a great book to understand healing. Another great book to understand healing is the Hoffman process, the Hoffman process. I did a seven, eight day deep dive working on my childhood wounds. That wounds wounds. I invite you all to do your inner work. And guess what? Now that I'm in a relationship, I'm doing the deeper inner work of trust, faith, receive. God, universe, spirit. I invite everyone who's watching this video now to attract in a juicy, delicious, healthy, happy relationship where they have amazing chemistry with their partner. And the communication between the two of them is off the charts and they laugh and play together all the time. And their lifestyles are blendable with one another. And they have the same values that can build the deep roots of trust so they can be fully committed with one another God, universe, spirit. I invite that for the people who are watching me now. And if you need additional support, reach out to me for a discovery call. All right. Did that resonate with you? I hope it did. Domina Bella, Domina Bella, question. Three-year anniversary soon. We live together. We both have childhood trauma. I work on my daily. He avoids and denies his. He won't do therapy or join me on one session. Are we doomed? Well, how good's your relationship? I think the Gottmans talk about if for every one bad thing, if you have five good things, then you're not doomed. If you have three bad things for every two good things, yeah, you're fucked. You know, people can be in relationship and stuff their feelings. You may not have all that you want, but if you have five out of six things, yep, it could work. So I hope that helps, Domina Bella. Domina Bella. Oh, hey, Leafs in the house. Another member. Sorry, Jonathan. The Leaf are playing with the bolts. It's playoffs again. I'll catch you replay. Well, thank you so much. Another member who's part of our YouTube membership. By the way, if you wanna join the membership, join the channel and get access to perks. Oh, and if you wanna actually speak to me directly, check out my VIP group called Midlife Love Mastery. And again, all the links below. This is where you can have direct access to me on a regular basis and we do a once a month call. In fact, you can speak to me this Wednesday night and two nights from today through the membership group. Check out the link right there. All right. Carol says, I recommend the book, The Four Agreements, exactly. Let's see. How do I call? How can I do a call? By the way, Zett or Josie, right here. You see this link that says Jonathan Asley coaching? Right there. Jonathanasley.com forward slash coaching. Question. My new guy still has some stuff at his ex and it's driving me nuts because he goes over to her place. I'm four hours away, so I'm jealous bug. My jealousy bugs lie. What should I do? Well, I understand why you might be jealous. I will say that the fact that you're in a relationship that's four hours away, how often do you see each other? Building the deep roots of trust in your relationship. If you had trust, you wouldn't feel jealous. And my sense is this four hour long distance relationship has not built the trust you need. So here's what you need to do. On average, see each other two, three, four days, nights and week together doing shared activities, hobbies, mutual interests, spending time with family and friends, traveling together, teamwork, building skills both in your personal and your professional life. That's what you need to do to build trust. And until trust is there, you're gonna feel jealous and there's nothing you can do about that because guess what? He has a relationship with her and my guess is he's not fully committed to you and you don't live close to one another so you can't build the deep roots of trust. So I'm sorry, Zengal. That's my gut reaction on that one. PK says, how do I get a coach right here? Right there, jonathanasley.com forward slash coaching in the links below. Margaret says, create advice. Roller girl says, true, jonathan about male advice. Okay, let's keep going here. Oh, it's Revolutionary Road, great movie. Again, I was talking about Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winsley. Great example of midlife crisis. Love that movie for that example. Okay, Holly J says, I agree about the Kardashians. Me too. Let's see, let's keep going. Do we have any questions? Let's see, I joined two months ago and don't know how to access the group because I don't have Facebook, Gloria. Write my assistant at support at understand men now, support at understand men now or go to my website jonathanasley.com and click the support button. My assistant will take care of you, okay? All right. Hey folks, you know what? I'm getting ready to go to the airport to pick up my sweetheart. Want to grab a bite to eat beforehand. Did you find value in the five things men need more than sex to fall deeply in love? I hope you did. Just as a reminder, it's respect, trust, emotional connection, priority, pampering and validation. And last but not least, teamwork. This are the fundamentals, the fundamentals. Dominabella, one thing I want to just point out, can you please speak on porn addiction? Actually, in exactly two weeks from Wednesday, I'm bringing an expert to talk about addiction. So yes, we can definitely talk about that. Oh, and Sammy says, ladies, should we avoid men who say, go with the flow? Go, guess what? I go with the flow, but guess what? My vagina doesn't. My vagina only gets to go date men who are in a committed relationship with you. That's your response to going with the flow. Elena says, thank you, Jonathan. Tell Marie, I said, hello, we'll do. Yes, I'm gonna have a great addiction expert. In fact, oh, and then on this Wednesday, I'm having Susan Winter. Does anyone know Susan Winter? We're gonna have her in the house this Wednesday at 11 a.m. Pacific Coast time, excited to have Susan Winter in the house. All right, I guess this would be a great place to wrap up. First off, giving myself a big, gigantic Jonathan Barrack of self-love. I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm asking you to turn to someone, a pet, a teddy bear pillow, and give Iter them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives. I wanna thank one of our members, Allison. She's got a little, see that little thing by her name? That's because she's a part of a membership group. I wanna thank Domabella, Jade, Domabella. Zengirl, Sammy, Wanda, Jojica, Gloria, Elena, Margaret, Roller Girl, I think I said that. Robin, Jade, Peewee, Zengal, I already said Zengal. Everyone, thank you so much. Sherry Johnson, Holly, thanks so much. Be well, take care. Bye now.