 Time once again to check in with our Miami bureau chief Bruce Murnoff who is covering Miami. I got it all covered Hey listen, I had such a great time being on your podcast about two or three weeks ago So many of my friends went on and listened to it. Just just incredible. Thank you for the opportunity Well, thank you for doing this and I owe you know, I owe you an apology because I You know, you forget absence. I forgot what a great funny comic you are Thank you. How far you're in Boca de Berger Boca Berger Boca Berger. I live in Delray Beach, Florida I'm like 38 miles from Miami Beach. Okay What's going on in the show business world? What big names are playing? Well as we spoke about last time nothing is going on Zero I will be performing at Valencia Cove, which is an over 55 community You don't even know wherever you live in America and you listen or whatever country and you listen to this What you're going on? What's over 55 over 55 means you have to be minimum 55 years old to live in this community and the good part about it is like if you don't like your neighbor Give it a week I have a great thing about it Like let's say when I lived in West Hollywood, I had a barking dog situation, right? I knew I had a move because these was a young families or orthodox Jews. You want to hear that story? It's a very interesting story or orthodox Jews in West Hollywood in on Detroit Street I guess it's not West Hollywood yet. Well, it's about the farmer's market. So that's West Hollywood ish, you know Detroit Street, La Brea that whole thing. Okay, so I was active with Schwartzie who you just recently I know you knew him You knew him. I used to do his Purim shows. I'll tell you a great story for any of you people whether you like Jews or not it's a nice story and Schwartzie used to do a Purim show you're popping your peas. So stop saying Purim Purim And don't say Passover don't say public or Pesach Okay, so he did these shows at the comedy store every year for Paso or Purim and I was The emcee and I would get the comedians and the irony was the comedy stores owned by Mitzi Shore Who was a they call her the queen of comedy and she was a great great influence helped develop as you know So many great people but the thing is she never liked me. In fact, she hated me if she in fact I was synonymous with not funny. That's how bad it was and Yet she had to donate the room because all about Orthodox Jews it's all about giving and doing mitzvahs and donating so she would donate the room And she really couldn't have a say in who was performing. So I would be on this show I think we did about finding boys and she wasn't an orthodox Jew was she no but you but but everybody they're like it's like rubbing a Dwarf at the at the racetrack It's like good if you do if you do I used to hang out We'll not mention his name with a big big big big manager And this guy was a psychopath went to Hollywood Park and Santa Anita all the time and I would accompany him You know who he is not going to mention any names, but he had this thing like a twitch before The races he would have this nervousness and we'd be walking all around the racetrack and I go What what do we what would you go? I can't tell you but and there was a African-American dwarf who used to shine shoes and he would look for this African-American dwarf and he would rub them on the head. I want to oh my god This is what we did in Virginia. This is gonna bring good luck at the track And I would sit there go I just watched this guy Manages some of the biggest acts in Hollywood have to rub the head of a black dwarf And this is like this is and then I would see Ray Sharkey. You remember him that actor. Sure. Yeah, I love the idol maker and And that was what made him a big star and this is like this is just like two years later And he was a full Fledged junkie at this point and he would walk around you had a this is in the turf club He had to wear like a jacket and tie and he would have all that on But it would be misplaced like he'd have the jacket around his crotch and the pants over his head and the tie on his Elbow he was so messed up and yet he was like a big star. I remember always seeing Sharkey there But yeah, I he dated somebody I grew up with who was the daughter of a Yes, unfortunately he gave her the disease. Yes, do you know do we know how she is? You know, she's still alive thank God and she has a You know like a web page and she talks about her her recovery from all that so Fortunately knock wood they have really made Yeah, a lot of progress with those drugs. Yes, great her father was a very funny comic and You should do the Ed Sullivan show all the time No, her uncle her uncle was also a comedian up in the Catskills, too. Who well, let's not let's not I can't yeah Yeah, you know certain things we don't want to yeah, okay. Yeah, all right So then where were we now? I don't know whether the race race Mendel Schwartz I still get emails from him. He as I remember Mendel Schwartz was I think a Lobovitcher or a very orthodox Jew and he was instrumental in changing The attitude that people like you and I have towards the orthodox Jews He was very embracing very loving very, you know, he included everybody Because you know as you know Mendel is the son of of Rabbi of Shlomo Shlomo is the main guy that we're talking about Shlomo Schwartz And he was from the story I cobbled together. He was by the way, Shlomo is also what people Called him as a put-down Yeah, but that's his real name that's his name So he was hired as the UCLA Abad Rabbi and then at some point he got into a quabba with them So he call he created this own thing called the high center and that was based out of his house He has 12 children in the whole and they would his big thing was to put Jewish single lost people like myself in a room and try to get them to meet each other and then get married hopefully and have Jewish children because the Chabad is different than all of Judaism and there are an outreach and they try to a little bit convert people to Judaism where Judaism really doesn't promote conversion But they do wonderful things Abad Even suing even but I did lose it on them when they sued the Seattle Airport and I just said boy they've really you know even the good people overstep it because they had the Christmas tree So of course the rabbi in Seattle, which is all Gentiles. He has to come in and go What is a Mazuzzi a lunatic I'm gonna sue so that was the end of the Christmas tree So, you know new Nazi parties started into coma probably and all because of Chabad, but that wasn't Schwartz. He was an outreach of that anyway The Schwartz he has these Friday night you go to his house the wife makes dinner and there's like 30 Jews there And you try to hit on all the women but under you know, you try to do it under a nice way But the funny thing was his wife such an Olivia still around great woman. She would make this hummus and The hummus must have had 800 cloves of garlic in it So here you were trying to meet guy meet girl and you'd eat this hummus and your breath was vomit on vomit So you'd be standing I would be in Mar Vista The girl would be in Playa del Rey and you'd be on a megaphone because the everyone's breath was so horrible You couldn't make a contact with anybody so they tried but I Once said to Olivia because you know, we're having one of their singles events And it was the most misfitted Jews the missing links of Judy is Their house and I guess me included they liked me because I was funny I kept it kept it light and I once turned to live you go look at these Mieskites. These are Unmatchable even if you go back to Fiddler on the roof No one would want these people I go What do you do when they hit like 50 and she just deadpan turned to me and she go we shoot them I Shoot them, you know with that look with the rolling to the eyes You taught me and I always quote you for Bissin upon him Yeah, I always that you told me what a for Bissin upon him is described for my audience would have for Bissin Interesting my mother used to always say don't make that face you'll grow into it and you know, that's like a old wives tale and For Bissin, well, you can see the movie Austin Powers frow for Bissin or so, you know, they've got that A far Bissiner is to my understanding and I could be a little bit off the path is someone who's sour on the inside and it grows To the outside and it's an amazing thing because I'm 60 now And I know people my whole life and I know people who are like like women who were like so hot when they were 1415 see not that I was dating them before they were in high school with me at 14 But I was saying people I knew when they were 14 how beautiful they were but they were sour people and now you see them Like at 40 and the mouth grows into the downward pout and the nose droops down because they're inside grew To their outside and that's what a far Bissiner is. Yeah, I've talked about that on the show before and you taught me Are you working the cruise ships? I got to finish the Schwartz. Oh, I'm sorry. It's okay so Mitzi sure every time I go on and I kill at the comedy store But I'm not you know, she won't allow me to perform there I kill and every time I go to do my set Mitzi gets up leaves the room for this famous Purim show in the main room 500 people and I don't care because I just don't care because that's just my lot in life And so one year this is after we did if I this is a beautiful story, you know The rabbi calls me up with the wife. Oh, we're gonna do with the comedy so I go not a problem I can't wait to help you out. We're gonna have a show that's even better than last year You know the irony though rabbi is Mitzi sure does not like me for whatever reason And she does not feel that I'm very funny or anything like that and I don't care But it's just such an ironic thing so okay I do the show the kill and I look over to where she was sitting and of course the chair is empty she got up and Left the room at the end of the show She's waiting for me backstage when she got up to leave the rabbi's wife grabbed her and made her watch me And she had only seen me like 15 years before when I bombed in front of her on audition night And there was Mitzi backstage going I can't believe how funny you've gotten Please call me tomorrow and that was in 1993 and from that day Until the day I left LA in 2001. I had the best spots at the comedy store I had every night of the week. I had main room on Saturday So it's a beautiful story and that was strictly Because of the rabbi and his wife. So there there was paying it paying it forward. There you go. Wow Well, now what do you want to know? cruise ships I have this fantasy about Florida this is my fantasy about Florida I Never moved to San Francisco. I never Tried to be the kind of comedian that I ended up becoming instead. I Stayed in New York. I developed an act that was like a tank that could go anywhere. Yes, and now I moved to Florida and In my 70s 80s life is good. I'm working the condo circuit I'm hanging out at Wolfie's is Wolfie's still around No, that that was owned by that got bought by the guy that owns Jerry's deli in LA I'm blanking on his last name. I think it begins with a Z and Jerry's whatever is in Jerry Z, but It it it no one eats that food anymore. Not even Jewish people. There's just very few people can digest that horrific food so it became what's called Epicure Market, which is like What's the equivalent? What's the war chasens is in LA where chasens was Beverly and Doheny became that gourmet food market So it became something like that, but it was so expensive. They didn't even have price tags They just had spin the wheel like you'd go to the bananas and you go how much of what's a pound of bananas today? They go let's spin the wheel and it would go from five dollars to like nine dollars a pound really just went out of business Yeah, I'm exaggerating It's like a great market, but the prices were even too much for rich people So I noticed like the Carnegie deli you go in there. There'd be like a slice of cheesecake I'm gonna do this just because we're talking about the Carnegie deli a slice of cheesecake the size of a Buick. Sorry, but You know yes comedy would People Jews are not eating that kind of food anymore No, no these restaurants, you know, there's a man. I was listening to on the John Bachelor show the radio show And he wrote a book about the last delis. I forget what it is, but there's something like 17 Delis left in the United States talking about there's like 17 deli It's a book you get to you can look it up on Amazon called delis or the last delis and there's like 17 left where there used To be hundreds. I mean listen how many are in LA is juniors still on Westwood? No, we don't live in New York and then there's arts in the valley There was langers maybe langers opened up but langers used to close it to or maybe they closed it to 15 But that's not you know, that's like only open for a few hours New York Carnegie closed There's the second Avenue deli. There's the one that's down in the lower east side of the second Avenue deli I think closed. There's one I close to I think so Listen when you hire Al Goldstein the publisher of screw magazine to be the creator at your deli cats is is still around Yes, that's the one I just went to a few months ago But and but that's in that hip hip area So it's supported because it's just so cool that it's a throwback. So yes, but but again We're all on we're on one hand right now of delis down here. We've got there's three G's down here There's this is like Ben's deli, but this is a major Jewish area down here, and there's probably five five Jerry's deli and Beverly Hills across the street from Cedar Sinai, right? They closed. Oh There you go. I'm the clock. That's what this book is about being you're questioning me. I'm telling you It's we're coming down, you know I was at Jerry's deli one time and they flew in Larry Hagman's liver Because he was he needed a transplant and it was like the biggest thing you had like Hundred press cars, you know all the trucks with the satellites and the helicopter and they're all filming the helicopter And it came in the guy came out jumped out with the lunch basket You know with the dry ice in it and they had the liver for Larry Hagman And he lived he lived on that liver for a long time until he passed away and you it's like the biggest thing Well, wait a second. So were you you went to watch the liver getting well I was a Jerry's deli and and you could see all this action going on It was you know It was you could look right into Cedar Sinai parking lot from Jerry's deli especially from the chair I was sitting in and and that's what it was. Did I know it was Larry Hagman's liver? I think so because the television was on something so it was they were doing a live Broadcast so I just looked at the TV said Larry Larry Hagman's liver being delivered And like just like Jerry's deli delivers and right out the window. They had all the trucks and everything. Yeah Well, we're gonna take a quick break and when we come back, we're gonna talk about cruise ships. Okay Welcome back. We're talking with Bruce Smirnoff. He is our Miami bureau chief That's so funny tell me about the cruise ships. I've never done a cruise ship Well, I also have a day gig now where I work for an agency and We're one of the top agencies in the world and we book the talent on the cruise ships And the name of the agency is is Don Casino Productions and Don was a great singer down here in that when we were talking about the heyday of Miami and Don was dating a beautiful woman named Candy What was her name candy Scott was her show business name and they got married and They didn't want to go on the ships anymore. So candy created this agency ships used to used to just mail away for your dates That's how crazy it was that they were so eager to have entertainers 30 40 years ago and candy created you know the The the agenting whatever liaison down here and then she has turned it over to her daughter Wendy Wendy Garvis and Wendy runs the company with Robin Cahill and I work for them like as a like they like talent liaison, which is a Fancy word for I come in once a week and I tell them look here's some people to put on the ships But it's a big job because we got we get like I'd say 200 people a week want to be on cruise ships. You're asking me What does it take and you have to be really specific to work on cruise ships? You have to be Everything that we were taught not to be when we were in the comedy clubs, you know, you're taught to be off the wall Edgy push the envelope all those things if you do any of that on a ship You basically could be fired within hours. So you kind of have to be vanilla ish You have to be kind of like everything else, but you still have to be great So it's it's hard to you know to Stand on both sides of the fence and describe it But you know you have to be a little schmaltzy and at the same time you have to be really good Well, somebody if you're at the top of your game like Rick goes or he's edgy, but he could have played a cruise ship I would assume. Yeah, well, he was a he's a star. So that supersedes everything. Yes Are there any instances where a star does a cruise ship and people they used to though They used to use norm Crosby a lot. They used I'm Jerry Lewis If you watch that documentary called Telethon, you can get it on YouTube. You ever seen that it by the way I've seen that just go to YouTube type in Telethon. It's some Somebody made a documentary. It's like cinema verite where the camera is just on and it just follows Jerry Lewis I believe it's the 1982 Telethon in Vegas. Well, why didn't I know about that? I'm upset. It's phenomenal I'm up. Oh, you've got it. You've got to see it and you remember Ralph Cardinale Remember when Rick Corso was doing a Vigorama in LA and we were all doing little parts on it and Ralph was one of the henchmen Well, Ralph was Jerry Lewis's like right-hand guy. We never believed him and there's Ralph this whole documentary You know as his right-hand guy. It's really as we're speaking Yeah, I'm looking up Telethon. It's two hours in like six minutes. It's not long enough Exactly. It's not long enough Black and white on video and it's telling because it starts like three hours before the telethon And it ends literally as he steps onto the stage and it's the machinations that go on But what's interesting about him is that he goes which is what he was like How did I not know about? Oh, this is great. It's great. It only has 15,000 views I know and I've sent it. I've sent it on I've told everyone that will listen to me to watch this and it's As we're speaking I'm posting it to the website. Okay, man He's addicted in this in this documentary time I which I never my mother said you eat two ice cream sandwiches. You're gonna get your stomach pumped I think he eats like 12 ice cream sandwiches in this in these three hours that at least they show on screen And he washes it down with red wine. It's amazing Everybody has a peculiar peculiar air and peculiar whatever it is the word. I'm thinking of but it he it's peculiar Behavior and yes, it's great. He goes like very serious I need a shot You have to put a 35 millimeter lens because he was very obviously very smart at this and he is Still living and you know, he said you got to use a 35 you can't use a whatever and a thing and it's so and then all of a sudden He sees Anna Maria alberghetti And he just goes like whack job and you're laughing. He's like, you know, it's an amazing mind Amazing amazing. I mean, I never thought Jerry Lewis was funny and then somebody who I really respect Said go back to the 50s and look at this stuff and I went. Oh, yes. Okay. I get it the guys are genius Yeah, it's the stuff that came afterwards that was funny, but for the wrong reasons. All right Well, I want my what it's now on my website. All right. I never enjoyed him as a child and because and Then I saw that documentary I believe it was cinemax did it and I just changed my whole opinion of him and I went back and rewatched a lot of his stuff and Again, it's not my favorite But like the nutty professor is great But just the talent and and and his ability and who he was and how famous he was at 18 You know, 19, I think 47 48 the way they had throngs of people and they would throw their you know They would you they'd be in a hotel like in in Times Square and open the window and women would be screaming at them That's pretty powerful. I mean it was like Beatle mania In the late 40s pretty powerful. All right, it's up on my website. I telephoned the entire movie and It's under News from around the world Yeah, they never front page You can never like they haven't blacked it out because I think the guy who did it never got paid or some crazy thing so he owns it and You know, I keep waiting for them to take it down. They never take it down. Wow That's one of those. So you have this job. So who's the best cruise ship comic right now? There's a few of them Um, I hate to mention names because if I don't mention someone's names are gonna get pissed But John Joseph, you must know John from New York. He is in very very high demand My guy it's amazing His name jumps out because he he's very very versatile. He can work What's called a mass market ship which maybe has 6,000 passengers So you've got people of all walks of life and then you can put him on Kunard Which is like uppity very high-end British and US guests and he will kill with them as he kills with a mass market What kind of life is that? What kind of life is that it pays a lot of money It pays more than any cut there's nothing left on land anymore unless you're in Branson, Missouri Or unless you're on television. So everything has been squeezed and All that's left are the cruise ships and they don't even pay what they used to pay 30 years ago When I hear what guys made then but still what they pay today is is really good money, you know, and and I As we as we are speaking here on this podcast I've got like three emails that came in the past two hours of people that want to be with us now a lot of these people are lunatics I mean, I got a I had a guy some of my favorite ones was a guy Because my last name is Smirnoff. He thinks he's got an in with me This guy's like from Ukraine or something and he's living in Staten Island and he plays the ball a lot What's it called a balalaika? Whatever that thing is It's a triangle shaped guitar and he's dressed like a Cossack, which is always good to Jew Running from a Cossack while they're trying to have a pogrom and he's in his basement This is where he films it on his iPhone in his basement and the wife is dressed like an orthodox Christian, you know that with those those hats that look like they look like cuckoo clocks They've got like a six-foot hat they're wearing and they're playing He's playing the balalaika and she's playing the piano and they're just singing this guy will not stop calling because he got my number Smirnoff ready to go on ship Smirnoff when when I sail on ship they pass by my window every day. I could just jump on ship Smirnoff and of course when a guy is this insane, I got to call him back and go We're working on it Igor. We are we are busy busy busy. I can't sleep at night Igor smirnoff when when the ship coming So now then I read a book about the Russian Mafia Then I stopped all of a sudden playing with this guy because people are gonna come and fill a me like a Maui fish Ray Beach, so I stopped with the tormenting of the Ukrainians if that's that's over with You have done cruise ships. Have they all been here's how it's When I moved to Florida, I you know, I was edgy ish and I had you know dirty material And so the condos got me clean because you have to be clean So the next step with where the cruise ships and I tried the mass market ships where people are from all walks of life And they didn't like me Mike Mike, you know, I'm very funny guy, but it's not for everybody It's it's ethnic. It's whatever it is and and I didn't do well So I laid off the ships for a few years and then I didn't realize I never knew about these high-end ships where they're very wealthy people Very wealthy people like me because they're very very elderly and I'm like a throwback to the comics See everything as you get older. You always remember your point of reference is when you got married So that's why the music if you're 80 you still like the music of the 1950s because that was your wedding song And you got married and your dance you were still, you know, a lot live via a vibrant at that point in your life So they remember the comedians that they liked were the ones they saw on the Ed Sullivan show and the sticky and then take my wife Please kind of thing and I'm like a throwback to that generation So that's I didn't know about those ships So those ships exist and that's what my act is still like that so I did it So they found me and my first ship is a Regent cruise line phenomenal And they send me to Alaska and I'm all excited and it's a it's a charter cruise of funeral directors me right that they send me on a cruise of funeral directors and The most amazing thing happens they Introduce me and I'm nervous because you know, you know funeral directors are not peppy people They're they're they're not not that they party people the opposite, but they're not you know They're they're very solemn people are over there around death all day long So there's no energy in the room and as they introduce me The house PA system cuts out. It's being overridden by the captain and I know this sounds crazy folks listening But I swear to you I have this is all true stuff They interrupt someone is cold is dying in the showroom. So you get an interruption in New York Code blue code blue showroom code blue. Oh blue is a medical emergency So I look and I as I'm coming on stage So I can't even be hurt because my microphone is automatically cut out They're pounding on this guy's chest and everyone is looking at them pounding on this guy's chest I'm just standing there and then finally the people start to look at me and I don't know what to say and the comic The bad boy inside of me goes. Hey folks looking at this way. Someone's gonna be having a little extra business this week And it was the worst thing you can see it's funny But it's the worst thing and then I couldn't believe what I said next I said look at the bright side. You can write this trip off And they all got up like rows of corn. I would do a joke row H up out I would do another joke row C4 up out and I got fired. I mean they fired me so I Told the agent at the time the agency that I work for now They were my ship agent and I told them store. They started laughing. I know this is not supposed to be funny But this is why they fired me so they go no, this is this this is amazing this story So they had me call the vice president Because this was they made a big deal about they gave me like 20 weeks of work And they just fired me from all 20 weeks Immediately so they got the vice president on the phone. He said tell him the story So I very calmly told him the story and this guy starts laughing We're making an exception. We're putting you back on they put me back on So now I know because this has happened now three times where people died or they have fallen and they're bleeding profusely Right as they're bringing me on say now I know what to do now you go on like at the comedy cellar in New York or the comic strip in New York these great club No one's rupturing. No one's having heart attacks. No one's having seizures because people are 19 years old in these places But now I'm so I'm so What's the word I'm so akin to this I know what to do. What would you do David? I'm asking you you tell me what would you do if you were coming on stage someone starts rupturing blood What do you do and everyone's watching the blood rupturing? What would you do? Well, my instincts is To make fun of the guy Right, so the last thing that's not what you're supposed to do. So we know that you gotta rule that out So what would you do? Well, obviously you just keep going That's one option But that is a good option, but I've learned now. There's two options What you do if the blood is gushing like over six seven inches where it's really that you go We're going to take a five-minute break and you just walk off the stage and you know, it's stupid You're laughing, but this is these are the kinds of who knows what to do. I've learned what you do now Let's say it's not that bad. Let's say they're doing mouth-to-mouth Which I just down here a few months ago You just do what you do you just do your act and it's the most amazing thing Human nature takes over where they know what's going on. You know what's going on But both you and them are going to pretend nothing's going on So they kind of laugh you kind of do your act They keep kind of laughing you keep kind of doing your act the person either lives or dies and Everybody like it's like a draw when you can't beat the other person you kind of shake hands and you go This was like wasn't great, but we're not gonna tell anybody because we understand what happened But nobody brought it up. So no one got hurt. No one insulted anybody And we all live to live another day and that's what that's it's amazing It's show business and this has to be skilled and versed at you know, what happens for the rest of the day You're you're on a cruise ship. I have a friend who used to do cruise ships and then he couldn't take it anymore He said he would work one day a week and the rest of the time was just spent waiting for the show Well, it's killing time, but here's the big problem. Here's the worst thing It's called the walk of shame and it is very possible You can be on a ship for seven days Sometimes even ten and they put you on the very first night and and going on and whatever it is you don't have a good set in fact you stink and You are now Involved in what's called the walk of shame because everywhere you go these people look at you like let's say you have a bad Set at a comedy club. You're never going to see these people again when Michael Richards had that problem at the Laugh Factory Technically in his mind. He was never going to see these people again. So that's the end of it Unfortunately, somebody had it on video. So that was a problem But on a ship you have to see these people not only do you see them You see them all the time and they look at you and they make facial like you know Like if you see like I like to see somebody with an arm no arm They like look at you and you see them make a recognition like that's that terrible Comedian and you know how horrible it's called the walk of shame and what I do it's happened to me about four or five times in my Ten years on the ships. I hide you have to hide in a room and you come out like after midnight Everybody is sleeping and you go and you gather like you find hot water and you make an oatmeal And that's your meal I mean that's your food and you go back into your room and you just hide there sometimes for four or five six days until it's over You'll happen. This is it's a heart if you said to if you said to me if I weren't a comic Yeah, all you have to do is one lousy show and then you get to hang out on a cruise ship for a week No, it's not good not when you're a sensitive listen The whole idea of being a comedian is that you're off your your rocker and you rely on Love the fake love from strange people which is the sickness that we are in so when you know You haven't done what you're supposed to do and you know these people that are supposed to give you the the fake sick love are now Giving you real hate. It's not good. It's Absolutely worst thing It's the worst it's worse than the bullies that caused you to get into this business There are people literally walk down the hallway and then like two feet after they pass you They are like you know within the what is it called sado vache? They don't that's that guy that stinks God and then you're back to the room with the oatmeal and you're looking at the watch. It's 2 a.m There's nobody up. I can run out on the ship. I can get a couple of things done Oh my god, it's the worst thing in the world So you have to be so good that you have to that you cannot you have to be bulletproof on these ships Plus the fire you anyway If you have a couple of bad shows you're your toast anyway because these people write reviews about you these Passengers who know nothing about show business who have never in their life even you know played a Harp in front of another human being are going on and going we didn't think Bruce Murnoff Was clever or had any come back? And it's all over it's curtains. I'm selling big and tall clothing. Hello. Yeah, it's all over And if it goes well, oh That it's then it's you know, it's phenomenal then you're like the star of the ship especially I'll tell you funny ship story Do we have like eight minutes? Whatever you want? Okay, whatever you want? Okay? This is a funny ship So I'm on a high-end ship and I've already done my show and I killed and I'm like that You're the hero when you because you're the comedian you're the only comedian you're the go-to guy Everyone is a rich Billionaire boring person and they look to you as you're the you know You're the guy the magic lamp that you're gonna rub it and you're gonna make them laugh So they have tea time so I'm up in the area for the tea time and it's just a bunch of tables It's it's like the bar, you know the lounge and I'm at the bar And then there's a quartet playing these four it's always four women from like Eastern Europe or Ukraine and Where they you know, they're all big into me and they're playing You know like they play waltzes and they're playing classical music. So this I'm setting it up So there's these two tables that are sitting not next to each other They're apart, but they're in front of the quartet and I just happen to know both couples and two Jewish couples That are on the ship. There's not many Jewish people on this But these are the two Jews because they like to the Jewish people like to show how you know We know about the arts We have to sit close because we're gonna give it the nod of approval We're Jewish and we know what's good and we're giving it the s nod So you're you know, you've been blessed like the Pope coming in and going good works So they're sitting there and now I'm opposite them at the bar So the bay the quartet is in front of me and the two tables are in front of me and they watch so the So all of their playing, you know, the blue Danube. It's wonderful and then all of a sudden they play Handles, I believe it was Honda and it was a song that he wrote in 1740 but it's it became Deutschland Ubralis it became the German national and it still is the German national anthem But you know Hitler took it up a couple of notches made it, you know, like a big thing So they start playing And one table of Jews Gets up. I've never seen anything like it. They throw their silk napkins down I commend you to stop and these four Ukrainian girls did 20 years old They don't know from Jew. They don't know from they don't know from anything They just they're just two passengers that it's screaming at them throwing their silk napkins on the ground You will stop and they just stop and they're frozen in terror. I'm going boy And What the other table because you have to know Jews the other table gets up and they go to the Jews and they go they will not stop They do not know that that was the Nazi And they look at the women they go we command you to play that song again And the other Jews are going I command you to stop And they're going to Jews the four Jews are yelling at each other the Ukrainian girls are sitting there Troubles she fits in now. They're in a drenched in sweat because they don't want to go back to Ukraine It's a horrible country. They're in war right now. They want to stay on a five-star ship Jews on the loose and now all of a sudden the two Jewish couples stop fighting and they look at me and they go Bruce What do you think? I turned into member Ted Levine in silence of the lambs when Clarice Starling Asked him for the business card and he kind of like comes around the corner and he just got hands of the business card and then I Ran out of that bar so fast That's all I remember and it was just those four Jews standing commanding these these four Ukrainians to not play play play Not play play not play. It was the funniest thing I ever saw in my life. Remember Leon Klinghofer Yeah, of course. Yeah. Well, you know that joke, right? You know, that's that's supposedly the Peter Fogel story What? You know member there's that urban myth and I can't I don't know if it's true or not But I think it is but I cannot prove it that he was on a ship You know Fogel's a wise guy a Weisenheimer and he did that joke about you know I was at the bar the other day and I ordered a Leon Klinghofer two shots and a splash Hopped him off the ship. They didn't they didn't like wait till the next port They sent a helicopter. So that's the urban story about him and I tell Tell the audience who Leon Klinghofer was Leon Klinghofer. It was on the Achille Loro, which was a cruise ship This was I believe 1986. This is the first instance of Muslim terrorism aboard a cruise ship I jacked the cruise ship. They shot. Are you laughing at? Unless you count the Baba Ghanoush that they served They they shot him they you know, it's terrible. They killed him and he was in a wheelchair It was like he was a defenseless man But because they went through the manifest looking for Jews and he was a Jew they shot him so it was great to then do a Leon Klinghofer joke and You know when you're not supposed to do that, but that's hang on for one second about Leon Klinghofer Yeah, as I remember Every Jew I knew in public would say this is terrible They took a poor old Jewish man and in a wheelchair and they threw him overboard the Achille Loro Yeah, then in private And it turned I think his son was like a program executive over at Comedy Central Geez, I did not know that way listen We can when we finish this we can Google it, but it was it was a terrible tragedy And let me tell you something the cruise industry there are Every year more ships coming out these ships David they had they hold 6,000 passengers and the crew that's not the crew the crew is like 5,000 you're talking about 11,000 people on a ship it's bigger than some cities in the world and They're they build these ships now they have Briggs because when you have 11,000 people stuff happens So this is a these are these this is the future of travel and entertainment and all in one packaging Oh, that's a with the ice cap With the ice caps melting. Yeah, we may have to live permanently on cruise ships Boy, that'd be a lot of comedians work and are there are there people who live on cruise ships all year round? there's a cruise ship called the world and It came out I don't know like ten ish years ago and this was like condos you where you bought a residence on the ship and the trip Traveled around I think Oprah Winfrey Was and they had a supermarket on the ship and you have your own in your own You have like a not just a cabin, but you've got like a one or two bedroom Apartment so you've got your own kitchen you can eat on the ship in their restaurant. Anyway, I don't think it took off I've been in port with it, and I don't think it became the They hit that it was but yes, there are could you live on a ship if you didn't have to perform Would I could I live on a ship now? How long could you stay on a ship before you went crazy? I've been on six weeks in a row, and I did go crazy I've never been the same when I come home now, and I'm still affected by it I I have like a big apartment, and I just sit on my chair in front of the television set You know you you get that's one thing when you when you work on a ship your whole world is your laptop your earphones Your portable hard drive where you've got movies and TV shows and books and your whole world is the lights go off Headphones go in your life is on your laptop, and you go from you know book reading to movies to this to that I mean if you're a drinker, which I'm not you can go get wasted I guess you can do things there, but it's these are all non-productive Things but you know whatever your life is it's all in your laptop whether you choose to educate yourself or entertain yourself It's a tough. It's tough and the food Can vary some of these cruise ships the worst food on on earth and some of the food is Phenomenal on obviously on the more expensive high-end ships I heard all they do is eat on these cruise ships right because it's free So I mean you know it's the Woody Allen joke You know what is it horrible food and such small portions? You know So the food you go to the restaurant and the food is the ships are exactly The copycat of the cat skills It's as much food as you can eat on demand anytime and Entertainment up the yin yang and that's the formula of the cat skills and just taken to the corporate Level and done to the nth degree. I mean when I say the food is terrible. I'm a snob I'm a whatever I am but you know, there are people who are not don't have Great palates and they they you know, they like anything and to them. It's good food. So living in Florida Yeah, sounds like you're happy. I love it. This is the greatest thing I ever did I want I have to go on the well because when I was a kid I grew up in Connecticut Isolated and I didn't have very many friends because I grew up in such an isolated area And I must have had such a defective part of me that I caused people to bully me So I was bullied by the few people that lived on my neighborhood So I had like a very sad lonely child that not looking for tears or anything I'm just telling you the reality was so I lived in this nice home Isolated and like my mother love I love my mother so much I miss her so much but my mother was constantly concerned that I was gonna get kidnapped. This is how Jewish mothers So I lived with a mother who believed that I was gonna be kidnapped. So she didn't want to pay the ransom She wasn't worried about getting hurt My mother would do things like, you know, like I go out to play Well, I lived in an isolated area and if I couldn't be seen because she was from the Bronx So she was used to that urban life. So if she couldn't see me She was convinced the kidnappers had gotten the net on me and were taking me away to some location So my mother would ring a bell so matter where I was if I heard the bell ring, I'd have to show up at the house I'm here. I'm okay. And then okay, and then I'd go back You know, so this was like them that once the bullies knew that I had to respond to the bells like Pavlov's dog They would like time me to the tree and then that would cause big my mother would call the police and the police Oh, it's just terrible. So these I'm just trying to give you a nutshell why I like Florida So I would I would come to float we come to visit grandma in Miami and all of a sudden I was around kids They were and I and I was funny. So instead of these nitwits Meanwhile, all these kids that bullied me growing up in Connecticut. They turned out to be junkies Many of them killed themselves. These are what these are the happy stories. I love those morons He used to tie me the trace to go. I think there's something wrong with these guys I can't quite put my hand in what they were needling themselves like at 14 with with heroin And they were dead by 20. So they I just have to grow up around like nine But not even nine for defective people that made my life miserable. Anyway, they're dead. I'm still here anyway So I come to Florida and I have the greatest. I even got action down here. I got my first action I met a girl. I was like the last thing was gonna happen in Connecticut. So it was great So I had all these wonderful feelings of Florida and I left LA in 01 because LA was all about my career And I realized in 01 it wasn't gonna sadly was not gonna go the way I thought it was gonna go even though I was Absolutely convinced that it was but it didn't so I went to Brooklyn I think we talked about this in the last podcast and in Brooklyn I was a fish out of water because I was living in the mafia neighborhood and and and I couldn't handle the winter because I had Like 23 years of no winter in LA. So I said, you know what? I'll go to Florida and this is I love it here This is not a great place for show business because there's no comedy club So I there are laments, but other than that I and and nobody laughs down here Like I told you all my friends are on medication. So no one laughs at my jokes. You're the only you're the only laughter I've heard other than in months and But I live great. I just love it here You should come and visit you live in New York, you know take a few days. You can come and stay here I don't take fake. I don't know how to relax. I don't either, but if you ever need to be down here, you can stay here at my place How do you relax? What do you do to relax? I? Don't even know the begin. I like reading to me or watching a movie. I read. I what you see I was a terrible student and I have what I do now is I I educate myself I just I spend about three to four hours a night reading and googling I mean, I'm just like walking around want to be tested I take these tests on Facebook. I get 99 percent. It's amazing how much information. I don't know everything I mean, I don't know like whatever was that period when the Renaissance. I don't know. I don't know that much history I'm good on like 80s 19th and 20th century history and Non-mathematical stuff. Hmm. I love reading, you know good for you one more story. All right. What do you want? I Don't want to hear that. I'm next week. We'll ask you about rich Jenny's wake That's just that was terrible. Yeah, that was just such a sad thing. Yes, but I only I have a funny story about someone's wake But yes, that was that was it just a tragedy You want to hear a Story about a comedian that I can't mention, but it's a good story But we'll call him X or you don't like stuff like that Pete Fogel. No, no, it's a famous famous comedian Yeah, but yeah, I won't mention his name. Okay. Okay Paul Newman had a son named Scott who unfortunately passed away from heroin abuse. So they named UCLA came up with a wings called the Scott Newman drug rehabilitation Center and I was a doorman at the improv at the time and when they opened this they christened the night the night was the following You would meet at UCLA where you would cut the ribbon to the drug drug clinic Then you got on buses and you were taken to the improv to see X Who was the biggest comedian in the United States at the time? What year is this? I'm gonna say 80 could have been 81 I'm not you just all you have to do is see when the Scott Newman drug center opened up at UCLA So it's that it's them, but this is the hottest comedian in the probably in the world So it's seven o'clock. It's seven o'clock. Thank you computer. So I'm it I'm the doorman and What I didn't know about the improv Is everybody complained when you when you sat people I would have to see people and everybody was always like, you know I don't want to sit here. It's always a pain in the neck so I knew all these big celebrities and all these big people were coming to the club and And I was like dreading it and the buses pulled up But because it was such a solemn event, you know and Paul Newman and the whole thing all these wealthy High-connected people got off and I just said please sit and everyone sat But wherever I point I said you sit over there they sat over there. No one said, do you know who I am? I'm not sitting over so it was just this amazing thing So I had the room seated in I thought was gonna be 30 minutes I had it seated in like nine minutes So I'm killing time and and you know They're all getting ready for the show and I go into the bathroom and there had been a fight Over the weekend in the improv bathroom. So somebody ripped the door off the stall So they're you know the toilet is exposed So I go in to use the urinal and X is on his hands and knees In front of the toilet and X is poured I'd say close to two grams of cocaine on the top of the toilet And he's there with a straw or a hundred dollar bill and he and he sees me and he knows me He goes, would you like some I go? Thank you. I don't do that and then X inhaled the entire Whatever two grams of cocaine and then went on stage for the christening of the drug rehabilitation And that's when I said I don't know if I can stay a Democrat anymore I can't believe what I'm seeing. This is like and they and of course 19 standing ovations You know and no one suspected that X was was high and there you go. There's your there's your You know, that's when I realized you know when I've got stories of being around gay Hollywood I mean the things I I saw people on sitcoms guys from like the Dick Van Dyke show in dresses Wearing a dress with a handbag and I'm gone. I can't believe what I'm seeing. Oh, I find yours old when I saw all this stuff I Think I know who you're talking about Shut up Mel Yeah, yeah, was that is that do we cut that out or do we keep it in now? He it's he you know, I actually researched him. He had no children. He's been passed away for a long time Yeah, but it's if he was in the closet, we should respect that Well, he wasn't in the closet when I saw him He was wearing a purple he had gotten heavy So he's working like a purple drape like like like a drape that they just cut a hole out of so he draped a purple thing He had a Chanel a woman Chanel. Yeah, we better not leave this in but he had a Chanel handbag All right, and it's like hi. How are you? I'm like, oh my god Holy holy macro, you know, but yes. Oh my god I'm keeping that in. Oh, you're keeping that in. All right, fine. Fine. He was a great actor But and you if you can research him he always played that that was a great great character He was you know lumpy's lumpy's dad on leave it to be the Billy Wilder Jimmy Stewart Lindberg movie Probably because I when I did my research on me He was in a he was he played serious He was in very serious role great as he always played a serious guy But you couldn't help but laugh because he was such a great actor. He wasn't trying to be funny It just they would always like they'd make him the funeral They whatever he was like the comic relief in serious movies But then his forte of course was it was comedy, you know, that's it comes please tell me he was happy at the party It was great. Yeah. Yeah, that's when I used to hang around with we'll call this guy X and X was the big manager Who used to take me to the racetrack and X was gay but X had children and This is another podcast you'll hear about how that crazy side of LA boy. That was a that was weird That was weird hanging. We all yeah, we all think We all think I can handle it Right, you hear about you hear about that stuff And you think I can I can handle it and you get there and you you think you're handling it and slowly but surely your Neurons in your brain breakdown and you can't you you pretty much lose it completely eventually well, I'm writing as we speak I can handle it because That I'm not going to do it now, but when we continue this that is a great line for the stories that deal with X the gay person because All these guys that I knew wanted to meet him because he was so powerful and I said he's gay Something's going to happen. He didn't do that with me because he liked me for another reason, but it wasn't sexually Thank God, but I said X is going to want his Five cents worth and it goes all of them said the same thing David I can handle it and of course the stories end in complete comedy tragedy Because they couldn't handle it and they one guy peed in his pants. He got so near I'll go into it But some of them are very tragic stories, but yeah, I if you want to go into that We can and how everybody you play for peas in their pants Bruce Smirnoff is our Miami bureau chief I'll talk to you next week. Thank you David. Bye. Bye everybody Hang on. Let me stop tape. That was great Bruce