 Yn yw'r sefydliadau yw'r cyffredin HIF Kitchins, y nifer 1 onlin gyffredin cyffredin yn Scotland, ac mae'r cyffredin hwn yn ymgyrch o'u cyffredin o'r prysau o'r ysgol, ac mae'r cyffredin gyffredin hwn o'r onlin gyffredin o'r cyffredin hwynghwyl cyffredin a'r cyffredin. Mae'r cyffredin hwn o'r onlin gyffredin o'r cyffredin i'n meddwl i'ch gweithio amddangos gyffredin gyffredin. Siwch nhw, HIF Kitchins, y nifer 1 onlin gyffredin gyffredin yn Scotland. Mae ddau i gyda gwydian o gydig, haf, Prydds, Michael Jackson, Beth Cymru, Donna Taleer, iniadau, Kate Moss, Jay Z, Elton John, y ystyth iellion iawn i'r ysgol. Mae'n ddod! Mae'n dechrau i josio, wedi'i wneud fawr, am ychydig fi'r eich ysgol? Mae'r cyffredin cyffredin... yn ei gyffredin ysgol, yn ysgol yn y sgol i weith foldyn. a iwi i wedi Starf Llyfrgell ac ellwch yn i weld Starf Llyfrgell i fi wedi ei wneud unrhyw dychydig fod, ac rwy'n ochr o'n ach chi, dwi ddim ei ddim yn whisio gaelio i ei wneud i ei wneud. Ac rwy'n ni'n ei ddim yn ei ddoch yn ni'n i'r drwg yn ychydig wedi'u awdraeth ar wel yn ddweud o i fynd ar glwm ni ar hyn a dedwch yn atid. Roeddwn ni'n hwn yn edrych ar hyn? Roeddwn ni'n hwn yn trio ar hyn yn y chyrn. leaves that house with one mirror, a mirror I used it to rack up on, and I left that house and just left everything else there. I got this thing called Mhf�whwp, where I thought that I had animals living in my misures in my gwo架s, and I would dig up them and dig up them and dig up them and rub them and hear what I was doing was pulling the teeth and parting them, pulling the teeth and wobbling them I'd been out for about four days and I was at the Crystal Meth era and I came back to Pymlico and I was in my flat and I thought I can't do this anymore and I went to Vauxhall Bridge and I sat on the bridge and was going to throw myself in and I had no cigarettes so I went back to my house to get the cigarettes and I sat on the sofa and I thought oh fuck it. Number on in today's guest is your DJ Fat Tony. How are you Tony? Good, you good? Yeah thanks for inviting me down to your house. You're welcome. It's like a fucking Jurassic Park. We've got some dinosaurs around you. Don't worry about that. Definitely dinosaurs. Had a very colourful life Tony. You've done over a million pounds in drugs. You've DJed to the biggest stars in the world. I've actually written their names down. You've worked with Madonna, Prince, Michael Jackson, The Beckham's, Donna Taylor, Versace, Kate Moss, Jay-Z, Elton John. The list is long. Yeah it's a lot bigger than that. I mean you know I've flown my own chubby. I mean you know a lot of those you know were in my using but since I got clean I mean I've worked for everybody like so many people. It's amazing. It's phenomenal. You're the career you've had. You were an addict for so many years but changed your life now. You're 13 years clean so first of all congratulations. Thank you. How are you feeling with that? Amazing. You know for me are the party just begun when I got clean. You know people think oh the party ends when you get sober but for me it was the opposite you know because I was never in the party. Now I am. I mean you know it's a totally different experience and life is for living and drinking and taking drugs every day wasn't living. First player man it takes a lot of courage to make changes. I'll always go back to the start with my guest Tony where you grew up and how it all began. I actually grew up. I was born in the house opposite here in Pymlico and my mum fell down the stairs and had me a month early. I was meant to be born on Christmas Day so I kind of always liked to think of myself as Jesus. But I was a breach which kind of says a lot as well always asked first. So yeah I grew up in the first few years in Pymlico and then moved to Battersea which is just over the bridge and grew up on a council estate there. We had a house so we you know me and my two brothers and my mum and dad and growing up there kind of was tough because you know it was an estate and there was gangs of kids and I you know I kind of never wanted to fit in with the gangs of kids. My brothers did. My elder brother was like kind of quite tough and he was like one of the toughest kids on the estate so there was no one ever really said much to me do you know what I mean. I said a lot to them but no one really said much to me. I was kind of so growing up you know I never came out as a gay man I was always gay and my mum always knew my dad always knew my dad hated it but you know there wasn't much he could do about it. So growing up in Battersea kind of you know being the middle one so I had an older brother and a younger brother but my older brother was from my mum's first marriage and there was he was always in trouble with the police so he got all the attention. So to get attention in a house you had to kind of had to be heard make yourself heard. My little brother came along and he was my dad's golden child you know what I mean and I was I was one in the middle so you know growing up in that environment you kind of learn really quickly learnt behaviours as such like if you want attention you have to set fires to the house as such. Do you know what I mean and kind of that's what I did. Did you have abandonment issues then being the black sheep of the family? I kind of to a certain extent yeah I kind of just think you know I was never abandoned but I kind of just think that I didn't get the attention I deserved. Do you know what I mean? It was like my brothers my mum and dad were always like concentrating on those two. Yeah who was it being coming out as gay then back in the day? It was all you know for me it was okay because I always just did my own thing you know I would leave the house at 14 in drag just when my dad up. My dad was six foot four like plumber and his fingers were like bananas like you know if you if you my dad brought us up to if we had a fight or we got picked on my dad would throw us out the house and make him go and batter him otherwise he'd batter us and that was that was the upbringing you know we were brought to fuck we were brought up to stand up for ourselves so being gay and if anyone ever challenged me on it I would fight them you know that was my first option pick up a brick and hit them with it you know. So coming out for me wasn't really an issue in that sense because I always knew what I was and my mum and dad did and I kind of flaunted the fact that I was gay I flaunted that in people's faces. So I was a teenager then. So you know growing up my dad used to be like a binge drinker so at weekends he would get drunk and then on a Sunday morning my mum would be either at the bottom of the stairs or calling an ambulance because she would have took an overdose. My dad whenever he drank scotch he uh whiskey he he turned into a demon a like a complete and utter bastard and I would wake up and I would have to take my mum to hospital and stuff like that and you know growing up and I'd my dad's side of the family uh there was a lot of alcoholism in that as well and so my aunties and uncles were all like my uncle wasn't actually my aunties were they were all alcoholics and they would come to our house and cause havoc and I loved them you know I I loved them and uh yeah so there was a lot of alcoholism and a lot of violence and a lot of trauma going on. So that became normal to you? Uh yeah it did and you know what happened was because as I said before there was like that era of me wanting seeking attention what happens is when you seek that kind of attention people find you you know so I've there was a there was a um I started working for this kid uh this bloke when I was at the age of 10 he showed he showed films in youth clubs and uh of course he was a sexual predator and basically he uh sexually abused me for about four years but um during that time I kind of turned it around I kind of owned it and so I was sexualized at a really young age from ten onwards so that kind of was suddenly this new drug this thing that could change everything sex so uh the majority of the time I was either getting in trouble or having sex yeah but you're just replacing that with the trauma and the pain that you felt because that again seeing your mum at the bottom of the stairs and seeing other alcoholics and being abused that is going to mentally scar you and you've yeah your defence mechanism your shield was what is did you start drinking Tony? I started well you know what for me drinking was was one of the things that I thought I'm never going to do because I saw my dad and my aunties and everybody else getting drunk and and well it did to them I always thought no this isn't for me uh but of course you know I'm you know it's in my blood you know uh so I started drinking around the age of 15 15 yeah I got kicked out of school at 14 for having sex with a drama teacher and um the school decided they no longer wanted me there and and they didn't want to call the police because it was you know back then it was yeah it would have been the biggest scandal so I left school really young and uh I started working in a place called the King's Road in in London which at the time was like uh social media people would walk up and down on King's Road it was where punk started you know people would that was there like that was their Facebook they would go there on a Saturday walk up and down going all the shops hang out and be seen and be photographed and I worked in a place called the great gear market and after work we used to go to this pub on the corner called the Chelsea Potter and uh you know at first I just used to drink coke and the Coca-Cola I used to be like now I don't want to drink that and of course straight away to fit in with everybody else I started drinking cider and snake bite and and stuff like that and it wasn't very long before I was kind of always the last one to leave the pub yeah do you think the alcohol took your pain are we about your method I think you know what happened was I got prior to that I got really fat I kind of put on loads of weight it was it became my shield it become like okay this is my this is my wall don't come near me uh so being fat brought its own draw up trauma as well you know because suddenly you've gone from getting all the attention that you you didn't deserve and didn't want but you're turning around and that that empowered me and suddenly I put on all this weight so that no one would come near me as a barrier and then of course people call you fat and everything else that goes with it so the trauma it was adding to more trauma so the alcohol did yeah it cushioned that yeah and losing the confidence because I've had girls on the show who've been abused and they end up putting on a lot of weight because if they think they're fat and ugly no one's going to abuse them which is fucking scary and it's heartbreaking to think that but listen you're looking great now by the way so yeah so I was going to ask that question fat Tony is that where it started for I've got no better than what the fat turning this is exactly where it comes from so people would call me that name behind my back and go reach turning the girl fat turning you know so I kind of owned it I just took it you know I lost all that weight about 16 and a half 17 and just owned it you know I kept the name how does it make you feel with the name the embrace that you're happy with it I'm totally happy with it you know I would have changed it a long time ago you know one thing I've learned about life is if I'm not happy I won't do it yeah you know I did things that made me unhappy for a very long time and you said it's 16 was it Freddie Mercury who gave you your first lean of coke yes basically what happens so I was there's this club in London called heaven which was like at the time Europe's biggest gay club and on saturday nights it was men only and I told my mum and dad that I was going to uh away with the scouts for the weekend and uh and uh I went down there and I remember I tell this to you know I was wearing a white Fiorucci t-shirt and it had two cherubs and angel wings and I stood outside heaven against the wall terrified to go in absolutely terrified to go in and uh because it was men only I was just terrified of it and uh this group of men came along and um we're like oh right nice t-shirt and I was like I'll thanks you know all proud of my t-shirt and uh they were like what are you doing I was like I'm waiting for a friend it was like someone's and this guy on the dress said he's been waiting for his friend for like five hours and I was like yeah he hasn't turned up yet and they were like why don't you come in with us so I went in with them and uh I like you know and I always say this to her I actually didn't know who Freddie was you know it was just a group of men and uh so I hung out with them all night and then they were like at the end of the night they were going back to to uh Holland Park to his house and I was like yeah I'll come and I got offered you know there was a plate going around and I was offered it and I was like no no no I don't do drugs and then as I got more and more drunk someone said oh look try this it will like wake you up and I was like okay and it was Freddie so yeah he gave me my first line but you know um I hated it yeah absolutely hated the feeling that cocaine gave me it wasn't one of those drugs where you just I thought oh my god I've arrived it was actually like oh no I don't like this feeling um yeah and I thought I'm never doing that again so how was your life then between 16 and 21 what was the what was the transition period what was your life then how did you like get into DJing oh so basically I mean it was kind of a whirlwind so from going from working in the great gear market uh straight away into clubbing so I was after going out on that Saturday night I would go out every night of the week it started going on uh the job that I had in the great gear market was selling clothes and I would rob about 200 quid a day out the till got very addicted to stealing really quickly uh and of course everyone was wearing designer clothes back then so I would leave Worth go to a shop called Jones which sold every every designer clothing under the sun and I would get decked out every night I would buy new clothes just to go out in and and so you know that because suddenly clubbing became my life I got the sack from great gear market out about two years funnily enough for tax reasons she said and uh so I got a sack from there and uh uh just literally started like just been clubbing my life and then I you know I was one gift that I was born with was a big mouth and I you know my insecurities made me really loud so the the louder I was it was also like a shield so I would be so loud and in your face that it was a way of keeping you away from me yet again it was a shield it was never letting anyone in because I would start around start insulting you being just really awful trust issues yeah totally so that no one could ever get close and there was um so you know during that time it's my uh these guys called rusty eagan and Steve Strange who were like basically running London nightlife then uh were opening a new a new club on a saturday night at the lyceum in the strand where the Lion King is at the moment that massive theatre and um I remember going up to them and saying I'm opening a club on the same night it's like 16 do you know what I mean like full of fucking shit you know and I remember them like rusty saying to me well why are you doing that because all my friends are going to come by this point I had quite a good look friends like a friend circle uh you know because London was very small so everybody knew each other you know there was it's not like it is now where you've got shoreditch you've got avararius clubbing existed only in the west end of London that was it you know there was like four or five clubs everybody knew each other and that was how it worked so I remember saying for rusty yeah I'm going to do this and he was like well why don't you come and work on the door for us so I've blagged my way into that job and uh basically let everyone in for free and every week I would say oh the music shit man everyone's leaving and they weren't I just said it and he was like well why and I said well they're all moaning about the DJ and bearing in mind I never ever sat out to be a DJ I never ever thought okay this is going to be my career I want you know this is my life goal you know practicing at home every day you know that never happened and Rusty said to me well if you can do better why don't you do it and I was all right I will and then next week I'll turn up with four records what we'll do is pink Cadillac by um uh uh what's the name Natalie Cole uh it was a divine record take it like a man uh it was uh an abc record they just had a remix done and there was what was the fourth one uh chuck a con ain't nobody the 12 inch and I turn up with them in a little carrier bag and uh played those four records and the b sides and that was kind of it within like a month I had a residency at the wag club on a Tuesday night within two months three months I was flying to New York so what happened was we did this club on a Tuesday night me and my friend Stephen Leonard called total fashion victim and it was it was absolutely empty it was a fucking Tuesday night you know what I mean in the west end of London but the right people come and then what happens one week we like we'd been open for about a month and an Andy Warhol turned up he was in London they came in and the he was with this guy called Steve and I was just like oh hi blah blah blah talking to them and it was Steve Rebell basically who at the time did studio 54 and then was opening the Palladium which was like this big club in New York and they basically that night you know yet again the gift of the gab I started you know I talked to him had a laugh with them um Andy stayed about 10 minutes in fact off because he was a freak but you know uh but with uh Steve he stayed all night and we we got on all really well and then within two weeks later I was going to New York everywhere every other week flying to New York so you blagged your way just blagged my way into all of it there was never about my love I mean I've always had a love and passion for music always you know growing up in Battersea my elder brother always played music my mum and dad I you know would play music I'd wake up every weekend listening to the likes of Elvis and Gene Pitney and stuff like that and then my elder brother as he got older he got into like Lovers Rock and all our early soul music so I kind of was brought up on music I always had a passion How was it then when you started getting all the attention the fame how did that fuel your drug addiction did that I didn't really have a drug addiction then so for me it was kind of like always the party you know so uh the more I was out the more I would get drunk and the more I would get drunk the more I thought okay I need some cocaine and my friend Paul I remember him saying to me one weekend at the playground which was at the lyceum he was like do you want some coke and I was like no because at this time in London there was a massive heroin a massive heroin problem everybody was on smack literally every other person in London nightlife was on smack and that wasn't my thing I kind of thought I kept looking at my friends and thinking why I don't want to be like you know they're all gouging out you'll be having a conversation with them and they'll start like spilling like pouring sugar in their tea and to carry on pouring it because they went into this like complete comatose state and I thought no that's not for me I remember this night Paul says when he wants some cocaine I was like no I don't like it and he was like no it will take the edge off things and I said all right yeah again go on then and that was it you could jump 28 years because I literally just bought it every day and used it every day but I didn't I don't think that I had a problem with it because it was still partying do you know what I mean it wasn't till a few years later when clubs like the limelight opened in London where I kind of blagged a job with them as well you know I went to them and was like look you can't open a club in London without having me involved and they made me they made me musical director put me up like 2k a week back then in the 80s it was mad I was like for doing what for doing doing absolutely nothing and that's kind of when the addiction kind of started off really badly you know I kind of would be up uh days on end um just taking cocaine but I still didn't think it was a problem who are you partying with spike then oh everybody you know you know because my circle of friends from that time all suddenly started getting famous they all started doing becoming film directors they all started you know they were the 80s was a really creative time because we didn't have social media yeah you know you had to nightclubs with your social media yeah they totally weren't and to get a voice or to create a platform you had to do something how the fuck though did you rise through the ranks so fast and become this global name to be working with how did the working with Michael Jackson come about uh so a kind of working with working with the likes of them it all stemmed from like just literally London nightlife in the sense of my circle of friends like boy George George become one of the biggest stars on the planet at that time so everybody wanted everything to be associated with George they wanted so you know I was this DJ that was boy you know he's friends friends with this one friends with that one and those people would come to the party so people employed me because they knew they were going to get those people at their party and kind of it just stemmed from that so you know people in record companies would come to the clubs I was playing in and and then when the artists would come to town they would like you've got to get this DJ he's the only DJ you can get you know that's worth getting and so that's kind of it and then you know I started working for like as you say Madonna and all of those people Prince every time Prince came to town I would do his gigs you know Prince was one of those amazing people that would have a concert at the O2 or which would he want in the O2 then but you know Wembley and stuff like that sell it out but each night would have his own party after the gig which he would invite 100 people to and he would play live at that as well and I would DJ all of those so I kind of did that and I did DJ for Madonna's 30th birthday and then suddenly went on was on tour with her because I got really friendly with her brother just literally that's how it works from having your shaka can album to from having a track of car on 12 inch to like flying you know at 18 I was flying on Concord literally to New York and back all the time like George would ring me and go we're going to New York in an hour do you want to come I'll be like yep I'm there and like literally just go and get on Concord how did that make you feel though thinking through the trauma and the pain that you went through from such a young age to be working with the biggest A-listers in the world did you ever stop and think I'm doing great I was it just so fast that you can never stopped and thought I was doing great because you know I have this addict personality that always tells me I'm not doing good you know I could be flying in first class and I will sit there thinking oh my god everyone's going to hate you when you get off you know that imposter syndrome seeks in and you know it still does it today sometimes but you know uh at that point in time it was so fast and I kind of was just carried away with it in the sense of okay they want me they you know this is the life that I had you know I kind of just bled into my my best friend's fame and my best friend's success I kind of had that success and thought I was having on the same level as that do you get what I'm saying yeah but you must have a great talent to to still working with these people so I wouldn't undervalue yourself for what you've achieved but as I said before it's not that addict but my addict's thinking will always undervalue me yeah that's why today I have to have people that value you know that are like in my team pick us up yeah you know it's like just I know myself worth today you know it's taken me 13 and a half years to find that self worth what was plan slate Prince was amazing Prince was made the first time I met Prince was I was DJing in a club called Browns and uh he came in and it was it was uh there was no one there apart from me Prince and about five of five of his entourage and he kept coming out to me giving me the the he's that he's um bodyguard coming out going Prince said can you play this and I was like no sorry I don't take requests and then they came up and gave me a hundred quid and I played it and that of course you know and that was kind of it and that and because I said no and because I would be like tell him to fuck off you know what I mean I uh I'm not doing it they kind of all loved that they kind of love the fact that I did that you know I remember once I was playing a cafe a club called cafe de pari in Leicester Square on a Wednesday night and Stevie Wonder came in and uh I was playing this sweet pussy Pauline track at the time back in the middle eighties when the all the new york um bitch tracks came out all those like house tracks with like all the all like you know the uh drag queens on them and I was playing this track and they brought Stevie over and he was like can I have this record and I was like no fuck off go and get it yourself and they were like this is Stevie Wonder and I was like I know I can see and I thought afterwards I think you sounded said the wrong thing there but you know straight away they love me and the next minute I'm getting booked for Stevie Wonder you go I mean it's absolutely insane that's phenomenal that's phenomenal the names you have just mentioned there that's phenomenal it's kind of just it was it was just because of the time you know it's like you know uh George Michael you know he was another you know I love George George was one of them but I was in awe of George but because I was in team boy George and they're those two yeah totally man uh you know so it was kind of all because I was associated with the other George we kind of kept our distance but we we become friends secretly without the other George knowing and it's just like it all come to a bigger abrupt ending as well oh yeah it's like yeah I ended up having a fight with a minute and then it was on the front page of all the papers uh yeah why did they do to have an eye for the boy George and George Michael because George Michael was in it was always in the closet and George hated him for that you know I mean we all knew of course we all knew but you know it's like you know that no one else was meant to know and George kind of George just you know it wasn't room for two Georges yeah yeah that's crazy man to think that all those massive names how do you look how do you see it now when you see it guys that uh George Michael Whitney Houston Elvis Prince Michael Jackson the kind of all with like addiction issues it kind of ruined our life how do you see that do you see why they go down that route or is it just I think you know what we've all of those people you know it the but stops with firstly they're that you know they have an addiction they have addiction problems you know um but the the reason that they get away is because what happens is when you we've success you you get yes people you know the the people are there in your team say I want this I want that get me it know everybody's really scared to say no to you and no one will say no to you because especially if they're on the payroll and normally what happens is when people get so successful they lose reality in the sense of their friends that will tell you what you're doing you're you're out of control because they the team surrounds them like a castle wall so to get to speak to one of your best mates you have to go through three different people do you know what I mean and by the time you get there you you know they're like oh you know the friendship gets very very distant yeah because you have to get through so many fucking poor culotties and towers to get to your mate and because they're suddenly surrounded by yes people and payroll people so those payroll people would do as they're told and then what happens within that industry nine times out of ten they want you they want that their artist to stay sick so they can control them do you think that do you think you're getting used a lot as well back in the day a lot of people want to be a friend just manipulate oh 100% but you know I I always knew that I always knew that I you know I it was more of a case of what you could do for me than what I could do for you you know I'd put I'll let people into clubs I'd put people on guest lists for concerts whatever you know but they had to have something that I wanted and nine times out of ten that it was drugs do you know what I mean I someone if you know I probably had six or seven drug dealers on my list every night do you know what I mean and it would start with the best one and then it would like go down to the worst drug dealer but he was always there just in case the others didn't turn up so you had the drug addiction but you also had the sex addiction yes you say yeah eight men and eight at some point oh yeah day yeah something about a shag yeah you know it's like any people always when you talk about sex addiction people always think oh my god yeah he's got it he's the man in the sense of okay you know sex is like heroin yeah when you're an addict you use whether it be sex cocaine heroin whatever drug you're using alcohol you use it for one reason only one reason only in addiction and that's to destroy yourself so with sex addiction when I hear people go oh my husband was having an affair and he said that he's a sex addict I'm like fuck off no you know sex addicts don't have affairs yeah sex addiction is about anonymous it's about it's it's about it's like fast food they're failing at all needs totally and what it does is you know one is too many in a thousand's never enough as we say in most fellowships and that you know and it's exactly the same with with sex if you you have sex with one person and you want them out as soon as as soon as they've come or they've come you want them out of the house so you can get the next one in and what it does is I used to describe it as like having pizza delivered six times a day and then it's six o'clock still being still being starving still sitting there still you know because it was just it was so meaningless sex was like having a glass of water yeah but uh it was just so destroying and you know what it does is it chisels away at your self-worth your self-esteem you know literally leaves you exactly like yeah totally it just wants you in a room not in a room yeah feeling worthless like an escort a prostitute it's just kind of everything empty to say sex is sexual energy exchange so if you're sleeping with just random people you're exchanging energies as well yeah there's no intimacy involved in and what you do is you run away from that intimacy so what you exhaust yourself in that and especially if you're in a relationship what you are left with at the end of it is just a wreck you don't want to have sex with your partner because you've you've driven yourself so far away from intimacy with the anonymous sex side of things yeah that you when it comes to loving someone you don't love yourself anymore so you can't love anyone else and and it and it's so soul-destroing it really is its most potent and silent one of them all really yeah and it can be the most heartbreaking but it can also be the most blissfulness if it's done right like yours says uh you must love within first before you can love anyone else 100% low vibration of your drug addict sex addict everybody's just going to get used for your own powers and your own benefits and why and that's just it leaves you powerless is no you know you are spiritually and emotionally bankrupt at the end of it because you've got nothing to give you've given it all away to absolute strangers and the majority of them you wouldn't even you wouldn't stop to us that you know that it takes you to that level yeah you know there was a point in in my using when I was uh that I used to work in clubs like big clubs I'd DJ to like three and a half thousand people and I'd be out the back door and I would end up in Kings Cross and there was this pub in Kings Cross um called uh what was it called uh I'll think of the name of it in the minute uh and basically it was on a Sunday afternoon and they would have a club in the basement of this place and it would basically had a paddling pool in it and people would be pissing on each other and I would go there and I would make and because I first of all I started going there because I knew no one would find me my friends my boyfriend all those people wouldn't know where I was the last place on earth they would think that I was was in this place called streams of pleasure and I'd be in there and I'd be like doing cocaine it'd be like and I you know I was thinking that I was like Madonna or something in there you know and people were like I want to drink your piss and I'd be like you drink my piss you'll be up for a month you know you ain't gonna sleep again but you know it was just like the plate the levels that I had to go to to feel normal to feel less that it was it was extreme all the external stuff all the negative stuff which was fulfilling more emptiness in you more loneliness when did your life start spiralling when when you started hitting your peak of the fame when did it really start spiralling when you were taking every day when you started to get to heavier drugs yeah so basically about just I just lost a partner to in the AIDS epidemic Tom he died and this is around about 92 93 and it kind of that's kind of when it hit me hard I just got a I just had a record deal and I had a record a single out and I just signed a free free single on an album deal and I had loads of money and I bought a house in just by Great Almond Street Hospital on Queen Square very apt and it was called the cottage on Queen Square even more apt and uh and it was like just the most amazing house and and kind of that's after the death of Tom kind of my addiction kind of just took because suddenly I had this low this even more found wealth and kind of just had this house and that's kind of when the the drug taking started going from the odd gram every night to an eight for an afternoon and and to half you know half ounce and blah blah blah blah blah and that's kind of when it kind of really took a dark turn you know because cocaine was never enough that's when I started smoking crack I started doing to magi pan diaz i pan rhoi hymnol you know I kind of was rollercoasting at that point for every high that I was doing I was doing downers and you know and I kind of started to believe my own hype and start kind of losing my friends really badly at that point because they were all getting in the way it was at that point people would say to me oh you you need to slow down and if anyone says to you you need to slow down when you're an addict you're like you need you need to go yeah you know you're in my way you're an obstacle so kind of started getting rid of all my friends my friends started getting rid of me and that's kind of when it it took a really bad turn yeah I lost the house yeah of course I lost the house within a year you know uh that went I remember leaving that house with uh one mirror the mirror that I used to rack up on and I left that house and just left everything else there with with a suitcase in the middle of the night left and I thought you know I lived in this world where I whatever I had I could always get again do you know what I mean that was my thinking I'm thinking was I was so un-materialistic I didn't think about oh I want this and I've got that I would get stuff either break it or lose it that was like kind of the way it was and so I left that house with one mirror and I remember thinking fuck your homeless do you know what I mean and of course a friend said to me I've got a house you can move into so I moved to brick lane um how old would you be then Tony about I think it was uh so if it was 95 I'm 55 now it's 2000 working it out 30 no 30 yeah still young man yeah of course uh in my prime I'm in my prime now so yeah so I left there and I remember thinking at the time I thought fuck you need to sort yourself out you know you've just lost your house yeah and I just okay so I moved into brick lane and and off I'll run again that was it you know same old cycle this by this point at the time you know I was travelling all up that up and down the country uh you're still working okay yes majorly majorly my career never my never my career never ever took a nose dive in that sense but you know what happened was I stopped flying so I started going up the motorway I'd be like playing in Cardiff and places like this for like me and Danny Ramplin and all that lot for vast amounts of money and I'd come back to London and you know I'd be in the car all the way back to London thinking oh my god I'd get me back to London I need to and there was a club called trade at that point called a club called Turmills which was London's all night club and I'd go to Turmills and stay in there for two days and then take people back to brick lane and so it went again do you know what I mean yeah there was never any realisation of the sense of okay I need to stop this apart from the odd hour here in there on the on the on the talent of a massive binge yeah when did you start because I know you started peeling your own teeth out that was kind of like about that was towards the end that's kind of so it's really weird actually because uh because of crystal meth so basically this guy called Jason who I started seeing you know the an addict then I take it oh of course listen there could be 3000 people in a room right and I will find the only addict in there the one with the biggest problems the one the one that's the most fucked up I will be drawn to that because you're the exact same because what we do is lake attracts lake totally we put out that pheromone yeah you know I had no teeth and I would walk to sainsbury's and I could pick up free men because they would have a radish you know that's what we that's that's what what we do we we you know it's kind of bizarre how we find each other and it's the laws of attraction and so this guy Jason who I started seeing who he was the one you know that every time I met someone they're always the one for two days this one's the one I'll introduce him to everyone yeah we're gonna get married and all that bullshit that went with it and then a week later they're like what happened to him oh yeah he's gonna get rid of him you know he I kind of spent all his money and did all his drugs and then sent him on his way but Jason it was coming over every time from New York and uh he'd bring because he used to like he had a real problem with Tina which was crystal meth and he'd bring crystal meth over and he'd be like oh do you want some Tina I'll be like no no no I don't do that the the magic words no no no I don't do that and of course I was like oh one night I was at his house with him and I was like oh give me that and that was it and within a within eight months I pulled all my teeth out you know I would get so psychotic and so thinking and I had this you know I I've always bit my nails and the more high I would be the more I'd be digging my mouth and I got this thing called meth mouth where I thought that I had animals living in my mouth in my gums and I would dig up them and dig at them and dig at them and rub and what I was doing was like pulling the teeth and pulling the teeth and wobbling them and because I drank so much Jack Daniels and Coke and lived off Jack Daniels and Coke the amount of sugar had been started to rot my teeth and before I might and you know I'd smoke 200 mawbra in in the course of two days of staying awake and um and that's not an exaggeration I chain smoked unreal so basically my gums would were receding anyway and then I got meth mouth where my mouth went septic and I would just it was and the amount of cocaine that I was taking and the amount of other drugs that I was on I couldn't feel the pain I would just dig and dig and dig there was never any pain I was never in pain and I pulled all my teeth out and I ended up with one tooth at the bottom but that was right towards the end you know for me did you lose everything then yeah friends family so I I kind of was you know yet again made homeless so my grandma died I remember my grandmother dying and she left my mum all this money in these houses and they lived in Battersea in the family home and they they moved down to Dartford and they were like okay you know I needed somewhere to live and my mum was like moving to the house biggest mistake ever moving to the house and within a week I'd moved to a crack dealer into one room kept them in dealer in as well turned the house the family home into a crack then and oh god that was that was terrible and then of course my dad you know my dad who was an alcoholic who I blamed for most of my life you know my dad would like to say to me you deserve everything you got and you know he was right at the end of the day but you know at that point I'd be like how can you say this to me you know um how dare you and uh because it's learnt behaviour as well well you've learnt that 100% but you know what I didn't realise that uh my dad was 30 years sober and I never ever knew until what happened was um a year into being clean I I had a big drama I I whacked a kid around the head with food that somebody got a lump of turf at my dog and I ended up being put in bow on bail down my mum dad's house in Dungeon S and uh and I learnt out there that my dad was never the problem do you know I mean he was 30 years sober and I never ever gave him credit for it and um you know I don't know why I just jumped to that really quickly but uh yeah so going back to Bassie I lived in Bassie and again as I say it didn't last very long and I moved into Pimlico and did you think sorry did you think of your dad 100% so what I'm was I was put on bail down that down in Dungeon S and I I literally uh had to be in the house every evening from six o'clock because I was on tag sorry is your dad alive or no my dad my I'll get to that back James no so basically uh my dad uh and mum lived in Dungeon S I was on tag down there and I had to be in every night at six so suddenly I was with this person I hated all my life who I blamed for everything and very quickly I realised that my dad was never the problem you know and then I found out that he was 30 years sober and and it kind of just like made me look at my own behaviours and I really got out of that really dark time and me being on tag down there something really wonderful happened the fact that I got to know my father and my father wasn't the person I thought he was and uh yeah he died a year after that so I got you know it was at the age of 41 being put down your mum and dad's house on tag you know if that incident had never happened I would never have got to know my father and I think that god really works in really mysterious ways and that's a beautiful thing to get the close because if you lose the loved one that you've never had that that trauma what's weak is when I says that when you spoke about your dad there a big gust of income around this garden he's here yeah so that's why I asked that and I know when you were talking about that story you kind of changed the subject but I wanted to get the what really happened bring back a lot of emotion for you oh totally 100% because you know we're in that year I got to know him and I got to realise how much I actually respected him for who he was and all those things that he used to say to me like you deserve everything you get he was sane because he cared he was right he'd been there yeah and you know he could see me moving crack dealers into my house he saw the destruction that went you know my mum never left all that money I cleaned my mother out before all that money do you know what I mean I made her pay for this and made her pay for that because I knew that that's what addicts do but they must have been proud of you when you are traveling you are doing all your stuff they were totally proud of me you know my dad come I remember my dad coming to get me off Concord I was just like you know my son's just flowing in on Concord you know it made me it was kind of insane my mum and dad you know had a scrap book which she's still got to this day it's in that documentary she was getting out I see that beautiful wee woman man she was lagging her height you're a lot taller than I expected six to I was Scottish you're all short arses yeah of course you're not my dad my dad as I said he was Scottish he was six four yeah yeah he's dad but he's dad was really short so how was your mum then my mum's amazing yeah she looks great by the way yeah she's doing really good uh yeah she's amazing I had a brow with her yesterday morning because one of her friends had read something that I'd said and and miss miss reddit is saying that I blame my mum for my upbringing saying that I she was a bad mum and I've never ever said that my mum was a wonderful mum you know they weren't a problem I was the problem yeah of course I blame everybody else always yeah always and you know something the magical thing about getting to know my dad was the fact that you know I could see so much of myself in my dad and the way and the way I am the way my dad was and my dad saw me get clean he saw me obviously win my court case but he saw me get clean I remember going to him when I was six weeks clean and saying to him dad uh no no that's alive six months I just got a rehab and I went to see my dad and said look you know I'm six months clean I want to apologize and my dad went why don't you fuck off and come back to me when you're six years and I was like whoa that's a bit much of it and you know he was right because you know by the time I got six years of being clean and sober I kind of realized all the mistakes that I made you know and what I was apologizing for because I was apologizing you know meant the apology I was giving to my dad at that point meant nothing you grew a conscience don't you all the misery you've caused all the destruction all the pain and that's the scary part of changing that's why a lot of people don't like the photo change because then you realize how much you can't you actually well oh you gotta look totally look at you listen you know for me it that's you know when you work at a 12-step program you get to that fourth step and you start to look at your resentlessness you start to break it down and looking at your part in it fuck me you know I had no part in being abused I had no part in in this I had no part in that I had a fucking massive part in all of it yeah do you know what I mean because I allowed these things to happen for my own personal gains in so many ways and you know the way I behaved and the way I treat other people I'm fucking totally in control of that stuff you know and what I learnt from from 28 years of using drugs and abusing drugs because there's a difference between drug use and drug abuse and I say this to a lot of people you know if you're using drugs and you're and you're drinking you don't have a problem with it and it doesn't have a problem with you then that's fine if you're one of these people that can buy two grams of coke do one and leave the other one in the draw for three weeks then that's great but you know I'm one of those people that buys two grams of coke and then needs another four three an hour later you know because that's the way I am I'm an addict you know then that's fine if you're using drugs and you're partying and you know when to stop that's amazing but when it goes beyond that and it becomes abuse and you start abusing yourself and abusing other people it's a different story altogether and I think that when we work on ourselves and we look at that stuff and we we go in really deep with that stuff and look at things right now I'm working on childhood trauma and I'm 13 and a half years clean and to go back and look at that stuff because that stuff's what's that's dictated my life of course as a new soul had have all that suppressed in your mind I always thought that I dealt with it because I never looked at it when you don't look at something you think you dealt with it oh yeah yeah I'm over that because you never looked at it but the brain stores everything and the thing is with you think about that even talking about that now if you think about that trauma 40 years ago 50 years ago then the brain releases a chemical to the pain and the trauma you had felt that day so it's to try and break the emotional connection which can be done as a thing I do in Glasgow called havening which is touch therapy so we talk about the trauma and then replace it with a positive so when you do think about the trauma you don't get that depression and you think oh don't worry yeah I went to this guy you called Michael have when he taught me to use the tip of my tongue yeah when I when I'm talking about trauma and stuff like that I use the tip of my tongue on the back of my teeth yeah as a pressure point to change the neuropaths of how I do it because also when I when I first got clean I used to go in whenever I DJ'd or I went into a situation that I was uncomfortable with I would go my neuropaths would take me straight back to that point yeah and when I thought of trauma I did exactly the same thing so if I was talking about child abuse or I was talking about my mum being at the bottom of the stairs I would start doing those old behaviours because the brain would send those signals because the brain doesn't know what's real or what's fake the brain thinks that can be present moment whether it's 20 years ago 100 years ago 100 but you can't change neuropathways and always preach that you can't change the way you think and feel you can actually change anything yeah of course you can one thing I've learned is that you can change absolutely fucking everything you know learn behaviours learn new ones simple yeah do you know I mean override those ones with new ones new learn behaviours healthy respectful yeah definitely what was your catalyst then Tony for the change what was that moment before you basically died or was there someone come to you or was there a moment for me I think that you know the last 10 years of that using there were so many gifts of desperation within that do you know I mean like I'd end up in a hospital when I think okay this is it of course straight out the door again you know never contemplate suicide or anything uh I was I'd like to say no but it was always on my mind I think taking drugs to that extent so far no actually one time I remember um I came I'd been out for about four days and I was in the crystal meth era and I came back to pymlico and I was in my flat and I thought I can't do this anymore and I went to voxel bridge and I sat on the bridge I was going to throw myself in and I had no cigarettes so I went back to my house to get the cigarettes and I sat on the sofa and I thought fuck it I'm not going back there now but you know what you know that was the insanity of it you know what I mean it was the absolutely insanity of it and I would always pretend that I'd taken loads of tablets and then when my partner he's James used to finish with me like he would finish with me every other couple of weeks like I can't do this with you anymore and I would end up in hospital every time every time like I would like to get hit by a car I would have taken notes of tablets I would have fallen down and said I had asthma attacks were a good one I cry out for you oh my gosh the amount of times I'd be in hospital with locks in my stomach I'm going get James and like literally he would turn up and he'd say there's fuck all wrong with him he does this all the time you know and then of course you know uh there was there were times when I I I literally used to think I can't go on you know that towards the end all I ever thought about James was deaf every day there's all I ever thought about my own funeral um who's coming who I wanted there who I didn't want there that changed weekly you know are I was going to do a video like saying you know everyone I hated I hate you but you know I used to listen to um these I'd say uh these tracks I used to listen to Mary Jade Blige No More Drama and another track by which uh those are a track called Believe by the Kings of Tomorrow and I used to play these songs on loop over and over and over again and and you know I just think right I'm going to no more drama by Mary Jade Blige was going to be what I was going to get cremated to footsteps you know um teardrops by Womack and Womack being carried into that one of course yeah and it all worked out and it all worked out but you know but the sad side to it was I we laugh about it now because I could I'd dealt with it but you know at the time it was real because that's all I had to look forward to I didn't have holidays to look forward to I had deaf to look forward to it because I'd gone so far with addiction it had gone to that point I weighed seven stone I had no teeth uh you know I had nowhere to live I was homeless again you know uh for the love of one person kept me alive and that what happened was one night I was at the cross which was this club in Kings Cross and James my partner at the time came in and I remember turning around and thinking oh I can't deal with you tonight mate and he's come to cause trouble and he came up and he put his hand on my shoulder and and and I was sitting there rocking backwards and forwards as I did because that's what I did and which I thought was quite normal like you know I was like pulling the and I remember coming over and then he put his hand on my shoulder and he looked at me and he just said what happened to you and it always makes me want to cry because you know that was it that was a god that moment like god give a moment that changed my life because I looked at him and I was like burst into tears and I was like I don't know and it was like if you have ever smoked like really strong like uh skunk and you smoke smoke too much of it and you've got your head on the wall and the whole room is rushing that's what it was like like suddenly my life I remember leaving the club and I and I just I was like to get me out of here and we went home and I remember crying and then on the Monday I went to see the doctor and I said I need help so he sent me to a drug drug a dropping centre and for about a week I was like I'm going to do this I'm going to do this and of course my addiction was so powerful because that's all I knew you know I I literally thought to myself you can't ever get clean what are you going to do how can what are you going to do about drugs because out my whole life was drugs everything I did was based on drugs you know um and I you know I would pretend that I was clean I changed dealers all my all my mates are still got what it's like when you find the best coke in London everyone goes to the same dealer so um you know I was that I was that sniffer dog that always found the best dealer so we were so I changed dealers so everyone was like have you seen Tony and he was like no he's getting clean he's getting clean just using another dealer and I completely was manipulating the fact that I was trying to get clean so that I could put along the pain because I didn't know anywhere I didn't know another way of life I did not know that that I could live without drugs I did not think for a minute that was it and you know slowly but surely I started going to an archaic synonymous meetings and I'd sit there and I'd think oh god shut up like taking everyone else's you know everyone else's um I can't even think of the fucking word I'd sit there taking like everybody's itineraries apart from my own and uh you know I'm slowly but surely I heard what I needed to hear and you know then I I still couldn't get clean I would sit in NA meetings in the corner and and gurning which was didn't look good with one tooth and um I'd go home with my partner James would say you've used today and I'd be like no no no I've been at an NA meeting and he'd be like no you've used and I'd you know I'd be like no I haven't and it'd make me eat like things like uh spaghetti carbonara you know have you ever tried eating pancetta when you're high and like for fun teeth yeah one tooth one tooth pancetta like the most cheesiest pasta like and like and he'd torture me that way because he knew I was lying and uh and I'd literally that went on for a while and then what happened was one night I was in a uh an archaic synonymous meeting this big black lady was sitting there and I thought I'll stay five minutes and I'll leave you know ticking the boxes and she opened her mouth and she told me my story it was remarkable everything that came out of her mouth I related to and I I remember leaving that meeting and I cried and within uh within two weeks I was in rehab I went to rehab six months uh and you know when you go to rehab they say to you you can't go back to London you can't go back to DJ and you can't go back to that relationship yeah and I remember on the last day there my when I was graduating all my family were there and um I remember them saying it to me that morning and I was like I'm not going back to anything I'm going forward and I and I and I was going forward to London I went forward to that to that relationship and I went forward to my career and you know it wasn't easy it wasn't not recovery wasn't easy at first because you know it was about changing everything without changing and doing a geographical I came forward to London and you know of course all the all of your using friends are like rats up off a drain pipe they're gone because you're no longer the party so you're no used to them like all my friends never used to be to me when they got clean and uh which was which is a blessing in disguise because you know at first you think oh god I've got no friends now that I'm sober and you know it's about rebuilding it's about brick by brick by brick by bit but without building and it's like taking the scary part is taking full responsibility not blaming your dad not blaming your friends not blaming relationships it's to feel it admit I'm in control I've made the fuck ups I'm going to change them and that's the beautiful thing of change and listen I take my heart off to you because what you're doing is amazing and I'm proud of you man thank you you've done really well when so come through your transition when did you start getting work again when did you start really building your confidence so I came out of treatment I came back to come forward to London I was in London and were you scared there was people just scared that you slept back in so what I'd done low like what I'd done was when I was in treatment I wrote a diary every day of what I went through in treatment you know like sitting in the smoking hut with guys who've got wet brains that would set fire to their set fire to their clothes by and they were like in a cigarette and all that stuff I wrote this diary and what I did was when I came out of treatment I published the diaries in a London Game Magazine over the course of six weeks so for me it was kind of like okay this is this is this is me there's no going back to that you know I mean it's out there everyone knows and you know it was a slow process and I was petrified of playing tracks petrified of going to clubs but you know it took about a year for my first gig and you know in that year I kind of was just like battling with a new career new ideas but you know what I say this all the time the the best drug that I've ever ever taken in my life is music and you know I went back into what I believed in and that was music and I knew that through that if I believed in the music and believed in myself again I could I could take that career to where I wanted it to go and over the course of the next couple of years I slowly but surely I was doing clubs again but I was doing the right clubs I was choosing ones that I wasn't going to be in all night I was choosing clubs to work in that I could go and I could leave and but slowly but surely I got addicted to the nightlife again I didn't get addicted to drink or drugs I got addicted to other people's behaviours could you see other people's witnesses oh 100% but you know I bought into it again you know my addiction because I'd got I'd got I'd started working on myself I did the first three to four steps within a fellowship and kind of started to to glide along I thought I'm comfortable now I'm alright I beat up yeah yeah I don't need to do anything I'm alright today and what happens is your behaviours take over so although I never ever picked up a drink or a drug my behaviours become so off-key again you know I would go into flow with bitchiness so I'd been at a room full of people and I'd start bitching at someone everyone else would laugh the comedian in me takes over and I go into flow and before I know I've hurt everyone in that room's feelings I'm in recovery I'm responsible for that stuff before when I was on drink or drugs I would use that as an excuse not to be responsible but you know what I'm in I no longer have that as that as an excuse so I'm responsible for my own behaviours and it took a while for me to actually realise that you know what I mean because I you know took a lot of people saying he hasn't changed yeah a lot of people said that you know he hasn't changed you know he's still a cunt you know and you know what I was and you know but with in recovery you learn and and you continue to learn so I learnt by my own mistakes I learnt by getting my you know if I'm like a like a puppy dog if I pissed in the corner you have to rub my nose in it for me to actually learn those behaviours and I change you know change came along but what happened was at six years clean I lost everything again I uh didn't do the work on myself I kind of got comfortable got complacent thought that you know I was all right the sex you know the sex which I never ever treated you know I went to rehab never mentioned it once never mentioned to anyone that I had a problem with sex you know those old blockages that you weren't at matten yeah totally I you know it was the one I was I was 41 when I got clean under middle life crisis I was not going to let go of the sex sex was like you know I'm a gay man I still gotta have sex so I sled something to prove and so I held on to that secret and that secret was so much more destructive than the cocaine and the crystal meth and all of those other drugs combined because I was responsible for that damage I was causing in treat in recovery all right and at six years I lost my house I lost my partner I left with two dogs and uh I went to live I was homeless again at six years in recovery Tony how many times have you been homeless fucking mental absolutely mental and you know it but it went straight back to that point straight back to that point straight back to that point although I never picked up a drink or a drug I was completely spiritually bankrupt again I was morally bankrupt I had no no self-respect I'd lost it all again everything and and being uh in recovery and being you know uh making out that I had this like perfect recovery to people was heart wrenching it was awful and my friend said to me okay I want you to move into my house to help him get clean and I moved in with George as in boy Georgia because you've got boy George clean as well did you yeah yeah well what happened was uh for ages I'd see I'd come out treatment I would bump into him those god-given moments I'd like one time I was crossing the road in Angel and uh he was in a car at the traffic lights and and I saw him I was like wait and he I'm down the window and he's like you got out the car he's like I'm sober and his legs are going all over the place and he's going yeah yeah I'm sober and I was like you're such a liar and and you know you've got to remember I've known him since you I was 30 I said you're a fucking liar he's like no no no I am and then what I did was I kept hounding him I kept calling him and calling him and calling the house and his sister was there she was like you know oh he's upstairs he's in a really bad way and I was like take the phone to him now and she was like all right and I was like I'm coming to get you and he was like he was like no what I said I'm going to a meeting I'm coming to get you and he was like oh no I'm three days clean I've just got back from a trip and I said even better I'm coming to get you now and he was like he came and met me he came to meet me in fact he went I'll get my brother to drive me and he he came to meet me and he's now 12 years clean by some reason yeah and you know I moved in his house with him you know that's another god-given thing you know the the stuff that I was going through put me put us back together again and I've moved in with George and you know he you know he's one of the most amazing people on this planet you know he you know the trauma that he's been through in his life and the rebuild of his own career and where he is today is it's all down to recovery yeah it's all down to recovery it takes courage yeah and people just need to keep soldiering on in life never stops it's we're constantly working on we're constantly a working process to make changes to make sacrifices to learn that we still get fucking problems we're going to constantly make mistakes but that's the beauty of life so after your six years fucking it again what was the transition again so transition again was so I basically you know James my partner at the time my ex partner should have say you know he had catfished me and catfished me and catfished me and caught me out you know making liaisons to meet with these boys and stuff like this and it was always him but I always knew but it was really weird you know when he was doing that stuff I would read it and I think that's James I know that's him I know the way he's saying that yeah yeah and I would still go through with it there was a part of me that was so crying out for help that wants to stop that I would that I went through all these times and still denied it caught red handed still denied it I'm just still shopping or you know all of that stuff it's just insane the insanity of addiction was so it just I'd gone with it again it got me again compulsive liar and what had happened yeah I'd lie on lies no one would ask me at the time because they knew for well I'd lie about it and what happened was I got on my knees and I asked for help and I found a new someone I went to a friend called my mate Gary and I asked him for help and he offered to take me on and work the steps with him and and yeah that was a change again and you know what that's where the real magic happened because I suddenly realized that how easy I could lose everything yeah how easy I think you need that speed bump I was two years clean and then I thought I was strong enough everything I'm great I don't need this shit fucked it ripped the whole ceiling down full year all the negatives come in the drink the drugs the sex the gambling and then I really but I came off it quicker this time because I realized how good I'd felt the two years off it my family was better that my money my pocket was changed so when you've made all the transitions and the changes you're in a great place now so you've got your own show now as well that's you've got your own show now yeah you're doing your own stuff and you're doing great names you've got the recovery on youtube and hopefully that'll be picked up and taken somewhere else I think it will because you've had Kelly is it Kelly Osborne we've had Russell Brand we've had um a girl called Danny St James we've had uh Trisha Goddard we've had Meg Matthews got some amazing people lined up for the next series you know it's like um because it's real it's like this it's like us two talking but it's a conversation do you know what I mean it's therapy yeah it totally isn't and you know that therapeutic value of one addict helping another addict it's a powerful thing and so many people watching us will get so much inspiration for yourself from your story from crystal meth crack and understanding that you didn't keep on hating your mum or your dad you forgave them and loved them and that's that's the beautiful thing about life you know you can't you can't ask forgiveness if you can't forgive yeah you have to you know life is a two-way street and when we double park nothing can get past it and it's about realising that you know it's a two-way street and you have to keep it flowing on both sides my side of the street today is clean on every respect and there's days when it isn't and those are the worst days of my life in recovery I can still have a bad day trust me I can wake up of course I think I thought we're coming to my head I think today's a really good day to do something really fucking stupid and I've messaged someone or do something really inappropriate and what happens is my phone will go and it'll be a sponsor and they will have a problem bigger than that and it will make me think what are you doing or you know you know because I always I've learned you always get caught yeah oh yeah true false comes out yeah no point you've got to understand we're human beings as well Tony we're going to make mistakes we do the thing is I've got more problems and more fucking shit happening in my life now than I did when I was fucking fucked up but the thing is I'm not hiding from it no I'm accepting it I accept the pain if I accept the pain then I can release the pain so that's the magic word acceptance it's you know as soon as you accept where we're at and and you know instead of thinking all the time oh why am I here why is this happening to me how can I change this how how do I get out of this place you know it's about turning wine to how and and acceptance and responsibility and and you know recovery is a wonderful thing but you have to work it you have to work for it yeah do you know what I mean you don't just stop doing drink or drugs how's life then now are you back working are you life now is incredible for me um I'm probably more busy than I've ever been even through COVID and lockdown life you get creative you know you know for me today I um that's amazing I have freedom today I actually have freedom my partners in recovery David we you know my career has gone through the roof I'm traveling all over you know working for everybody again and all the new ones um yeah you know what it is but it's really weird because people go oh the last three years things have gone really mad for you it's like it's not been three years it's been 13 years of re growing and rebuilding he building trust again with people 100 because we're burning all the bridges don't we we do yeah and I what I've learned is just to build new ones yeah you know what I mean and that's the beauty of life you can how did you end up friends with all the like designers because you've worked with all the biggest fashion names in industry hoes that was up just with a DJ in his wheel yeah no I mean literally uh back in the day I used to work with them all the labels then and as I say most of those big designers of today come from that era of like you know do you know Edward Eminfields from British Fogel all those people we all come from that same place of creativity the 80s and 90s so growing up in that and and learning and making sure that people know you're back and you're doing what you're doing and you're fucking good at what you do yeah do you know what I mean and uh it doesn't take long for people to cut on on yeah hoes out and join because he's clean as well oh it's amazing oh and then David are David Fettish are two of the most nicest people on the planet you know what they do for our for everybody in this world is insane you know they do so much with the EGAF and they do so much personal stuff with uh just anyone whenever there's a problem out and we'll fix it yeah it's amazing yeah you're doing amazing man and I like I said before I'm proud of you for the things you're doing in your recovery channel people can watch it Folly Tony's instagram page anything plans for the future what's the plans before we finish up Tony the plans for the future just uh I've got a book coming out um we've got a few various we're talking talks about doing a few different other tv stuff at the moment um I just I just want to carry on doing what I'm doing you know I'm 55 I've got to think you know I don't want to be I am an old person you know I don't want to be the dad at the disco did you know what I mean yeah yeah yeah but I don't feel like that right now but it's in your blood yeah and I don't feel like I'm going to be the dad at the disco just yet but you know what I'm really enjoying what I'm doing and people are really enjoying it as well and and that's amazing and that's you know so you know I'm very much like as I said at the beginning of this interview I never had goals and today I do I kind of just think okay this is where I want to be in five years a better structure yeah I don't I don't want to house in Monaco and I don't want a yacht and I don't want any of that stuff but I want to have freedom I want to have love and I want to have self respect and that's enough for me and something else that comes around it is a bonus as long as I've got that stuff as long as I can go to bed at night knowing that I've done nothing but good in that day yeah it's fucking all I all I want yeah because you've worked with Victoria Beckham David Beckham they're amazing the Beckham's listen you know the Beckham's are incredible you know it's like they go really they get such a hard time like anybody does you know we as human beings we build these people up we build them into icons and then we love to tear them down yeah and you know Victoria normal person amazing David really amazing parents the kids of the most nicest kids you'll ever meet and you're like they're real kids they don't have this grandiosity of like oh we're the Beckham's yeah they don't have that David I've never you know I can go away on trips with him I mean literally I I beliate laughter because it's just like it's so funny do you know what I mean because they're normal people you know it's like all of my friends you know wherever it be super models or whatever they do that that's their careers that doesn't make them like unhuman of course yeah yeah that's an illusion it's all bullshit what you're seeing is of course I've all believed the same wall struggle the same of all get problems of all get insecurity for the other night for for a pride a charity event and you know people like you fail at your staff and it's like she runs a business like anybody would run furlough their stuff she's running a business does not make any money of course she's going to fail of course you know it you know it she's making sure her staff are okay she's instead of laying her staff off because her business is sharp yes of course like anyone else you know oh hey you know you're in enough money your your your your spending taxpayers money isn't she a taxpayer yeah and if they're paying tax they're paying it through the ass you know that right hello let's put all that together fuck off yeah so it's been amazing listening to your story brother it's been an absolute pleasure for anybody watching it's in the struggle Tony what advice would you give for them open your mouth open your mouth if you don't open mouth you don't get fed literally just take that that that leap of courage and say to someone I've got a problem I've got a problem you know I get messages all day alone um on my instagram on the dms because I always say to people if you got a problem or you think you got a problem you're welcome to dm me and I'll talk to you and people have always go oh you what you're gonna reply to everyone and I actually reply to everyone because you know what you're taking the time to message me I'm going to talk to you yeah you know it takes up a fucking lot of my time but you know I do do it because you know what there's so many people that you can help that way that need help and it the first step is opening your mouth and that could potentially save a life the fact you give a lot of people attention but Tony for coming on today and telling your story and you're doing amazing for being over 14 years you put a fucking glass go wherever if you do that this is sunshine for us um but it's an absolute pleasure can't wait to see what you do of the future god bless you brother thank you