 The Jack Benny program, presented by Lucky Strike. Feeling low. Feeling tense. These eight words. For level best. That's just how you'll feel when you light up a lucky. Because lucky's fine tobacco picks you up when you're low, calms you down when you're tense. Put you on the right level to feel and do your level best. It's important to know that fine tobacco can be used for you. And L-S-M-F-T. L-S-M-F-T. Lucky strike means fine tobacco. Smooth, mild, thoroughly enjoyable tobacco. So next time you buy cigarettes, remember Lucky's fine tobacco picks you up when you're low, calms you down when you're tense. Put you on the lucky level where you feel your best and do your best. Yes. Smoke a lucky to feel your level best. Program starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston, Phil Harris, Rochester, Dennis Day, and yours truly, Don Wilson. Ladies and gentlemen, let's go back about an hour. Jack is in his dressing room getting ready for the broadcast. Rochester, did you run over and get me a sandwich? Yeah, boss, here it is. Good. Oh, for heaven's sake. Sardines. Rochester, I can't understand you. What's the matter, boss? You never get a sandwich. What's the matter, boss? You never get anything right. When I send you for a chicken sandwich, you bring me ham. When I ask you for a ham sandwich, you bring me cheese. When I ask you for cheese, you bring me egg. When I ask for egg, you bring me turkey. And today, you bring me a sardine sandwich. Now, what did I send you for? A sardine sandwich. Oh, yes, I forgot. But look, Rochester, I figured you'd make a mistake. I asked you for a sardine sandwich because I wanted corned beef. I knew that, but they were out of corned beef, so I brought you sardines. All right, I'll eat the sardine sandwich. Did you get me a bottle of Coca-Cola? Yes, boss, here it is. Wait a minute. This is root beer. That's funny. I asked for seven up. Well, at least you got the sandwich on rye. How did that happen? Oh, we never did have trouble with the bread. Well, I better eat it in a hurry. Oh, darn it. And I pick up the sandwich, the sardine slipped out, went into my sleeve. Help me get them out. Mmm, what a mess. Well, I'll eat after the broadcast. Now, help me finish dressing. Okay. Which toupee do you want, boss? The one with the part in the middle or the part on the side? Didn't you bring the black one with the widow's peak? Where's that toupee anymore? Why not? It turned gray while you were dickering with CBS. Oh, stop. Dusty, maybe, but gray, no. Now, Rochester. Who is it? It's me, Jack. Come on in, Mary. Jack, did you take my fountain pen? Yes, yes. Here you are, Mary. You know, I use it. I just put down a wonderful joke I want you to do on the program and surprise the cast. Here, read it. Oh, for heaven's sake, Jack. Another joke about my sister, Babe. Well, it's funny. Go ahead and read it. I want to hear out-of-sound on the program. All right. Say, Jack, my sister, Babe, lost her job in that restaurant. But, Mary, she was with that restaurant five years. How come they let her go? They've got a cat to catch her mice now. Oh, poor Babe. And after she let her fingernails grow. Jack, we can't say a thing like that about Babe. Why not? That's a funny joke. Joke nothing. It really happened to her. Oh, well, then we won't do the gag. I don't want to hurt her feelings. I'll think of something else. Say, Jack, I meant to ask you. Are you really going on the Ford Theatre program March 4th? Yes, Mary. I certainly am. Well, I hope you're not serious about doing the horn blows at midnight. Uh-oh, Miss Livingston, you shouldn't have said that. Rochester, what's wrong with mentioning the horn blows at midnight? It doesn't bother me, but the red, red turn white. Don't be funny. Now, look, Mary, I'm still going to do that play on the Ford Theatre. Fletcher Markle, the director, gave me a contract, and that's that. Now, come on, let's get out on the stage. Well, wait a minute. You're not going to do the program on that polo shirt. Why, what's wrong with a polo shirt? Clark Gable wears one. So what? Jane Russell wears sweaters, but I'm a suit gal myself. Come on, Mary, let's get out on the stage. Look, Jackson, what'd you stop us for? We were rehearsing a number. I know, Phil, but I just want to compliment you on trying to improve the orchestra. I noticed you got a harp this week. Yeah, but we can't use it anymore, Jackson. That was a mistake. Why? What happened? The rehearsal, Frankie woke up, saw the harp, and thought he was dead. No. Then he tried to fly over the piano and almost broke his neck. Well, it serves him right for sleeping during rehearsal. Jack, let's run through our parts, so the others get here. Okay. Here, Phil, take a script. Look, Jackson, I don't need no script. I'm loaded with jokes. Phil, take a script. I thought of a gag that's a dilly. Get this. On my way down to studio, I stopped off at a bar. Phil, take a script. And while I was there, I met a fellow who came from Venice, Italy. Phil. So I bought him a drink. He bought me a drink, then I bought him a drink, then he bought me a drink. Phil. We kept buying each other drinks for a couple of hours, and when I walked out, he was under the table. Phil, Phil, take a script. Well, don't you get it, Jackson? The guy who was under the table was from Venice, a Venetian. So what? I'm the only guy who ever drank a Venetian blind. If you lived in Beverly Hills, they'd blow up your house. Phil, take a script. Yes, Mary. And don't get too close to Phil. He might exhale and disintegrate your nylons. Now, look, now let's cut out all his foolishness and get down to a... Jack. Oh, hello, Don. Hello. The quartet is here. You better rehearse them first. Oh, the sportsman? All right. Say, did you tell the boys that instead of a popular song, I wanted something a little different this week, you know, something classical? You know, we have music lovers listening in now. Oh, yes, Jack. And they have a wonderful number prepared. It's Ponkele's Dance of the Hours from La Giaconda. Oh, I... What was that again? Ponkele's Dance of the Hours from La Giaconda. Oh, yes, that's what I hoped you'd said. Phil, can your musicians play Ponkele's Dance of the Hours from La Giaconda? Yeah, but it'll still sound like that's what I like about the song. Well, then I don't want that. Have them play what's written. Take it, boys. Listen. For Lucky, take a pop. Take a pop. Because we know that you will never. You will like a lucky strike. Beat your level best. For Lucky, strike me, Spina. He's Dance of the Hours from La Cienega. Oh, it's La Giaconda. Oh, oh, yes. That's below Sepulveda. We had Pico, but I changed it. Sepulveda's funnier than Pico, anyway. And Phil, Phil, your orchestra did surprisingly well. What are you so surprised about? I haven't told you this, but they want my band to play at the Academy Award ceremonies. Really? Phil, why in the world would they want your band to play for the Academy Award? Well, we play loud, and it'll drown out the screams of the losers. Well, Phil, I don't believe that you are your band. Come in. Oh, yes, Fletcher Markle. Hello, Mr. Markle. Hello, Jack. That's quite all right, Fletcher. This is my appearance on the Ford Theatre. Yes, that's exactly why I'm here. Good, good. Is there something about the casting? No, not the casting. Oh, is it about the rehearsals? No, not rehearsals. Oh, is it about the picture I selected to do? Yes, it stinks. What? Jack. As director of the Ford Theatre. It stinks while you're laughing. What were you going to say? Director of the Ford Theatre. I beg you, really, don't do this on our program. Now, wait a minute, Mr. Markle. You signed a contract with me, didn't you? Yes, but you tricked me. That contract said you were going to do an adventure story of the sea called Sailing Around Cape Horn. Well, you didn't read the small type in the contract. The full title was Sailing Around Cape Horn Blows at Midnight. And that's what I'm going to do. Jack, I think Mr. Markle is right. That script isn't suitable for radio. I know that, Mary, but I went through the screenplay, eliminated all the Dell stuff, and I'm just going to do the part that's sparkled. Mr. Benny, we have an hour program, not a spot announcement. I know it's an hour program. And I'm going to do the horn, blows at midnight, and it'll be a great show, believe me. Well, there's nothing I can do about it. So long, Jack. So long, Mr. Markle. Oh, by the way, Jack, when you signed that contract, there was one thing I neglected to get for our records. What's your social security number? Two. Wilson is number one. Yes, we got there early. Well, so long, Fletcher. See you March 4th. Goodbye, Jack. To be or not to be, that is the question. Whether it is wiser to use gas and smell up the house or use a pistol and mess up the rug. What'd you say, Fletcher? Nothing, goodbye. I can't understand you. Why, Don? You're so upset against your doing the horn blows at midnight. Why do you insist on it? Because once and for all, I'm going to prove to everyone that it's a great story. Now, Don, imagine this plot. The chief of the planets sends an angel down to Earth to blow a trumpet and destroy the whole world. And I'm the angel. Now, cut that out! Try to do something dignified, and everybody has to butt in and... I never saw anything... Oh, hello, Dennis. Oh, hello, Mr. Benny, congratulate me. Congratulate you? Why? I just sold my bicycle for $10,000. You what? Yeah, look, here's the check. Let me see that. Pay to the order of Dennis Day, $10,000... Oh, for heaven's sake. This check isn't even signed! I noticed that, but I didn't want to mention it. Why? When a man gives you $10,000 for a bicycle, why antagonize him? Holy smoke. Dennis, I'm afraid you were cheated. Didn't you even get the name of the man who bought it? Oh, sure, he told me his name, all right. What was it? Napoleon Bonaparte. Oh, fine. Dennis, don't you know anything? Napoleon Bonaparte has been dead for over 100 years. He has? Certainly. Then what does he want with a bicycle? Look, Dennis. Dennis, my child, look. Instead of having any more of this nonsense. Look, how about running through your song? Okay. Oh, by the way, Mr. Benny, happy birthday. My birthday was last week. I know, but that bubble dancer was held over. Good, good. Now what number are you going to do? The title song from Walt Disney's picture, so dear to my heart. All right, let's hear it. Okay. That's a temporary day where the leaves turning... Sing it beautifully. Why are you just saying that because I'm rich now? Dennis, that check's no good. You never like anything that anybody else has. Dennis, it's the last time I'm going to compliment you on your singing. Because every time I do, you start right in. Come in. Yes, sir, is there... Well, it's Jack Warner of the Warner Brothers Studio. Hello, Jack. Hello. Well, this is a surprise. What can I do for you, Mr. Warner? Well, Jack, I just heard the news about your making an appearance on the fourth theater. Yes, Mr. Warner, on March 4th. And I'm going to do the horn blows at midnight. That's just what I want to talk to you about. What? Look, Jack, you made this picture for us in 1944, didn't you? That's right. It was for the Warner Brothers. Well, since then, our studio has produced the Adventures of Don Juan, Life with Father, Key Largo, John Loves Mary. And this year, our two pictures, Johnny Belinda and the Treasurer of the Sierra Madra are up for the Academy Awards. So? So we're rolling again. Let us alone. Now, just a minute, Mr. Warner. How can you say that? You yourself told me that when the horn blows at midnight was shown in Hollywood, the theater made money. That's right. We rented the balcony out as a trailer camp. But, Mr. Warner, you can't put all a blame on me. When you did that picture, you made one big mistake. Yeah, I know. We put film in the camera. Look, Mr. Warner, that's an old joke. Yeah, if I had anything newer to put it in the picture. Well, I'm sorry, but I still think it's a great story. If you didn't produce it good, what could I do? But if you'd have listened to me, if you'd listened to me while we were making it, the horn blows at midnight would have been a terrific hit. Jack, we tried everything. We made a lot of retakes. It was awful how we threw money away on that picture. Threw money away? Yeah, we spent over $500,000 for a new finish and nobody ever stayed to see it. No wonder you can't make good pictures. You fluff over lines. Jack Warner, I want to tell you something. All of that about the horn blows at midnight was not my fault. I think that picture had great possibilities. Well, no, Jack, it missed both ways. Both ways? What do you mean? Well, if it had been a little better, we might have gotten our money back in the theaters. Yes? If it were a little worse, it would be unnatural for television. Never mind television. It's going to be, I'll tell you, Mr. Warner, it's going to be great when I do it on the Ford Theater. All right, Jack, if you won't listen to reason, maybe you'll listen to this. We'll give you $5,000 not to do it. No. $10,000. I'm sorry, Mr. Warner, but money means nothing to me. Listen, repeat, show and see if he really heard that. See if I really heard that. See if I really heard that. You ought to make your pictures with Jack Warner. I know we rehearsed this. I know it. Anything else? Huh? What? Just a little shaky. All right, read just what's there. That's all. Read what's there. Here it is. Wait a minute. Here. Well, Jack... You didn't say Mary, please. I say Mary, please. You got the next one. Well, Jack, here's my final offer. My brother Harry and I are willing to take you into the firm and make you one of the Warner Brothers. No, I'm afraid not. That means I'd have to change my name. If you do the picture, we're going to change ours. I'm sorry, but my mind is made up. I'm going to do the horn blows at midnight on the radio, and that's final, Mr. Warner. Just call me Sam Goldwyn. What? Yeah, you heard me. Just call me Sam Goldwyn. You just got to say goodbye, Jack. Oh, how to say goodbye, Jack. You're to play Jack Warner. Why didn't you consider his offer of going in with the Warner Brothers? I'll tell you why, because I have my own company. I just produced a picture myself called a Lucky Stiff, and there's a wonderful article about it in the New Liberty Magazine. I know, Mr. Benny, I saw it. You saw the article in Liberty about me, Dennis? What did it say? Reading time, 11 minutes. Look, Dennis. But I made it in nine. What? I had my bicycle then. I don't care about the reading time. What did the article say about... Oh, I'll get it, Jack. New York calling? Yes, he's here. Jack, it's Mr. William Paley. They had a CBS. Oh, oh, I wonder what he wants. Well, hello, Mr. Paley. Yes, yes, this is Jack. Oh, yes, I'm feeling fine. How are you? Good, good. What? Yes, yes, that's right, on March the 4th. Yes, I know the Ford theaters on CBS. And you want to hear something funny? Fletcher, Markle, and Jack Warner came over and tried to talk me out of doing the horn. What? Now, just to... I know, Mr. Paley, but... But, Mr. Paley, but... But... Why, Mr. Paley? Sorry, Mr. Paley, but I made up my mind and I'm going to do the horn blows at midnight on the Ford Theater, March 4th, and that's final. Yes, Mr. Paley. Goodbye. Hmm. How could you talk to Mr. Paley like that? Mary, there comes a time in every man's life when he must have the courage of his convictions, when he must have faith in his own judgment, so he can stand up and face the world with pride and with dignity. Jack, what's that sticking out of your sleeve? Huh? Oh, it's a sardine. Must have got caught in my suspenders. Jack, we'll be back in just a moment, but first... Smoke! When you're feeling low, Lucky's fine tobacco picks you up, and when you're tense, Lucky's fine tobacco calms you down. That's what fine tobacco can do for you. And that's why it's so important that you select and smoke the cigarette of fine tobacco Lucky Strike for, as you know, LSMFT, LSMFT. Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. No wonder Lucky's are the overwhelming choice of the tobacco experts. Men who can see the makers of Lucky Strike consistently select and buy that fine, that light, that naturally mild tobacco. So when you choose your cigarette, remember that Lucky's fine tobacco puts you on the right level, the lucky level, where you feel your best and do your best. Yes, next time you buy cigarettes, ask for a carton of Lucky Strike. Feeling low, feeling tense. These great words are common sense. Jack Warner, good night everybody. Be sure to hear the CBS Sunday lineup every week, and don't miss Dennis Day in the day and the life of Dennis Day. Stay tuned for Amos Land, as y'all will follow up immediately over most of these same stations. This is CBS, the Columbia Broadcasting System.