 My dad wasn't present in my upbringing in Dayton, Ohio. Still had to visit him. He made it very clear how much he loved me. He does struggle with mental illness. So there is an intensity to it and it's not your typical relationship with a father. And- It's better. Yeah. Yeah. So it's kind of like, okay, yeah, I'm in eighth grade. I'm going down to party at University of Dayton with my like bad girl, girlfriends. What's the root of that? Is it daddy issues? Right, because there's five of you. Right. Or is it our American culture, which is I get my worth from men being attracted to me. Like, I look at my diary back then, which I still have, it's terrifying. And it's stuff like a little list of like workout, go tanning, like, I'm just sort of like, where does that come? I mean, it comes from looking around at magazines and TV. Yeah, so what we call daddy issues could just be like status issues. Yeah, I'm just like, and I was scared. I wasn't like horny looking to hook up with a college dude. It was terrified, I had no tits and that's pretty much what saved me. I don't even know if I put that joke in that special. I used to have- You did reference to having- About gymnastics? Yeah. Oh, the only time gymnastics has, I said I, gymnastics saved me. The only time gymnastics has saved a kid from getting diddled. I don't think I put that in. Fuck. We gotta go, we gotta reshoot it. I need some tags. We gotta reshoot it. Just one tag, anyway. So yeah, I mean, I wasn't like seeking that out. I was definitely scared of that, but that is also interestingly enough related to my body. So by being a gymnast, I didn't really have tits so they didn't make me feel sexy. And I feel like some of my first experiences with my boyfriend, who cared about me and stuff? Robert. How old? He was a junior and I was a freshman. And I'm just sort of like, it's that people-pleasy. I remember I was like, I'm ready to give him a blow job. I drank like two huge bottles of pre-made screwdriver. It's like that, like barely orange. It's like a yellowy orange, so watered down with vodka. It's in a bottle, I can't remember. Did you, when you say pre-made, who made it? It was just like in a bottle that you purchased. Oh, you could buy it. Yeah, apparently at the quick and cold. Great. I gave him a blow job in my bunk bed, my top bunk bed. Are you standing? What are we talking about, logistically? I mean like, I'm like, the ceiling is like this high. I don't even know if I could sit up all the way. We're like climbing in their army style. I mean, I'm not mad at it, go ahead. And then I was like, I don't think that was good enough. And I did it a second time on the same night. Did he finish? That I truly don't remember. I'm sure he did the first time and he probably was able to reload. But that's like a funny thing for me to look back at. I wasn't whatever you wanna call it, slutty. I had a boyfriend, but it was like, I definitely sacrificed my own comfort and my own pleasure to please somebody else. And that's a consistent thing. Yeah, and I don't wanna get too gendery about it, but like, that's, I did the same thing. To your point of like, I don't know what's this pathological, daddy issue and what's just a human being wanting to be socially connected and like of worth within their circle. Yeah, and liked and why wouldn't you want that? Yeah, who doesn't want like, I'm too healthy for that. No, you just, maybe you have better boundaries if you're healthy, but I don't think anyone has boundaries until they're like 30. Yeah, I'm also thinking too like, what's the key, self love, you know? Like being so happy and content with yourself that it would be like a joy to just have a partner appreciate the things that you already love about yourself. Yeah, I mean, in a perfect world, but people say stuff to you and you're out in the world and you can't control it. And then those things stick with you and you build insecurities and all that stuff. And I don't, and yeah, so that's, it's a part of our anti-therapy movement on this podcast, better help is a regular sponsor. Well, yeah, I get all my, yeah, my therapy. But again, like you, therapy's worthwhile. What I'm saying is the idea of pathologizing everything. So it's like, I only did this because of my dad. Are you sure? Right. Because a bunch of millions of other people did it who had ostensibly good parenting. Yeah, and then it comes to the point of like, grow up. I'm just sort of like, you can't be blaming your dad and to your 30s. I know somebody who dated somebody whose dad had passed and it was like, he was still saying like, well, that's why I do this. It's like, what? No, these can't be excuses for your behavior. You can't be saying, well, I do this because of that. Now, sometimes when you haven't analyzed it or looked under the rock at all, it can feel like you're a magnet getting hurled towards the fridge, being told not to stick. It's like, it does sometimes feel inevitable. So having witnessed in my childhood domestic partner violence, I personally didn't think that I would ever be needing to deal with that. My first person that I fell in love with, I was, I think 15, it was really positive. We were speech kids together, both funny. We did the play together, musical together. And we loved each other and it was a positive experience. You know, and we've gone in and out, but he came and hung out with me when I was in Portland at Helium this year, like in November. So we're still friends, like very positive. And I have had plenty of lovely, positive men in my life. So it's almost to the point where when I did experience partner violence from someone else. And by the way, gave no credit to you for that, right? I mean, do you know what I mean? Like that's how it works. It's like anything negative is because of him. Anything positive is just because I, I don't know why. Yeah. It's not attributable to anybody, even though. Well, I will say one of his things is like a, he's very repetitive and he would consistently say, like, because we had a phone call, weekly phone call when we weren't there during the year, go for spring break or like I told you a month in the summer every other holiday. We would have a weekly phone call and he would say over and over and I think I mentioned this in a special but it's everything's true. He would say, get the education you need to get the job you need to get the car in the house you need then worry about the husband. So I wasn't having, and I never had pressure for my mom to get married or find a husband or have kids, never have my mom's a musician or a music teacher, but she's a pianist. And always very encouraging of my pursuits in comedy and theater and all those things. So I did have a lot of love of pushing me towards things that fueled me and lit me up and support of my dad that wasn't involved in like finding a man and that's my identity and all these things. So it's like, to your point, I had a fairly, you know, feminist take from him on that I would say in building yourself as an individual and not just like finding your other half. Hey, did you like that? Did you like that? Yeah, did you like it though? You want more, don't wanna work, would rather watch videos of me grab assing with people. First of all, go up here to subscribe and then go up here to watch more clips. This is like when the weatherman says there's a high pressure system coming in. I'm a little, I'm not really used to the green screen.