 That doesn't look right. Much better. Hello there my beautiful internet friends. Welcome back to my channel Thanks for joining me and Nicholas here today Now before you click off of this video in horror or because you find yourself needing to immediately buy this pillow Whichever the case may be Nicholas Cage is gonna be joining us for today's video because this is the most glorious pillow I have ever owned and I'm home alone I'll take any kind of companionship I can get right now even if he's looking at us in a very uncomfortable way So I am a now 29 as of yesterday year-old woman who looks healthy for the most part I don't have anything that's very clearly Wrong with me aside from the fact that part of one of my legs is gone But I generally look healthy to most people without being the case I have not been healthy the majority of my life and what I mean by that is I've dealt with chronic illness and chronic pain I get sick a lot when I get sick I get really really sick for no particular reason It just seems that my immune system hard as they may try to boost it doesn't fight things very well And that became clear again over the past six weeks when I got really ill with some kind of virus that then Just clung onto my little lungs and asthma and made it very difficult to breathe or get up or do anything I had something rear its ugly head again that I have fought against and tried to Rewrite a narrative for for the past decade of my life and that is something I like to call health shame So health shame is its own unique language that has its own vocabulary and its own rules And I personally become fluent in it over the past decade of my life It's something that I have consistently tried to work through and frame in a more positive light or you know rework the narrative that I have but like I said being sick for weeks on end It really started to pop back up and come back up and I had difficulty fighting it I wanted to talk about this because I feel like I am probably not the only person who deals with this and I know that it's not Logical or rational. It's very emotional and sometimes those are the hardest things to work through if I am not a hundred percent Well, healthy feeling great doing great looking great mentally. Well, it's a personal fault It's a personal failing and I feel a deep sense of shame over it I feel like I could spend time psychoanalyzing where this comes from and what it really means But I'm gonna tell you a little bit about how it talks to me. I get migraines really often I get them usually about 15 days a month in varying degrees They don't usually last all day, which is fantastic But I am down and out for a solid like eight hours Many days and when I'm really sick or in pain or unable to function This voice starts piping up in the back of my head and it crawls It's slimy little way to the front of my mind and it starts telling me a god, Joe You're so weak. This is pathetic. No one takes you seriously You'll never be able to accomplish anything in your life want to be sick You want still should be able to will your way out of it You really can't willpower your way out of this migraine or this illness or this education really stupid Wow, you are really dumb. You are really really bad. How dare you expect anyone to care about you or take care of you Just wow. This is why no one likes you. You are truly. I can't believe anyone would ever marry you and deal with this Total bullshit impressive in how pathetic you are never gonna be able to accomplish anything Okay, I'm gonna stop that right there because I think you get the general gist of it But it goes like that for hours at a time and those kind of thoughts are not something I have in my head a whole lot I've been able to get to a place where I am generally proud of myself. I generally like who I am I'm always working on trying to become a better version of myself and grow and learn and expand and Recognize where I have failings and faults, but I don't hate myself But when I get sick when I'm in pain when I'm unable to do things I feel like I should be able to do for whatever reason I start talking to myself Like I'm the literal scum of the earth at the core of these messages It's always been this idea that I should be able to willpower my way through whatever it is I should be able to just get over it by choosing to get over it And that should be the end of the story and if I can't do that if I can't willpower my way out of a migraine or out of Amputation pain or out of neck issues or out of whatever it is Then I must want to be here because there has to be a solution And I'm simply just missing it and I'm too dumb to figure it out now Allow me to acknowledge the fact that I realized these thoughts are not rational thoughts to have for instance If the situation was flipped and I was talking to someone dealing with the things that I was dealing with It would never cross my mind that it was a personal failing that they were ill It would never cross my mind to blame them for being in physical pain or not being able to do everything A quote-unquote normal person could do I would never think that ever in a million years for someone else because pain is pain pain is real We try to find ways to work with it. Some days are good. Some days are bad And I'm sure that willpower plays into our ability to heal or to move through things Absolutely, but I have never ascribed to and will never ascribe to the idea that you can simply think your way out of anything Be it illness disease pain because yes Our brain is this incredibly powerful thing that controls way more than we think it does But willpower will not get you out of anything Willpower will not heal you from everything as much as we would like to think that it could but the health shame Gremlin in my head consistently tells me is my fault if I am not a hundred percent functional and okay for me I don't know about for you This becomes especially destructive because it prevents me from resting or seeking help that I really need I have learned over the years when I do need to rest and I force myself to do so for the most part But if the tape that plays on repeat in my head is this is your fault you hurting or being sick or whatever it is This is your fault if you really wanted to get over it you could That leads me into trying to pretend that I'm fine Acting like I'm over it or through it when I'm in a lot of pain when I should not be functioning when I should be resting And I try to just force my way through it because that voice tells me I should be able to do that And if I can't do that I am really not worth a whole lot now am I I feel like this is so tied to the idea of achievement that exists in the society that I live in so much of everyone's identity is tied to what they do and what they can accomplish and The literal or metaphorical trophies that we have I don't love that But it is the culture and the world that I live in when I went to Ireland about a year ago And I spent two weeks there I felt a literal weight lift off my shoulders that I wasn't even aware that I was carrying Because going around the countryside and meeting cool people and little villages and things of that nature I realized that I was okay to just exist. I didn't have to be doing anything I didn't have to be achieving anything or accomplishing anything that wasn't the culture that wasn't the environment It was okay to just be just be a person and live life And I realized that I don't feel that here at home I feel like so much of my identity is tied to what I can do For myself for other people for those around me And I'm gonna go out on a limb here and guess that I'm not the only person who feels that way And so when things arise that prevent me from being that fully functional version of myself That can do whatever I want to do and be whoever I want to be and accomplish whatever It makes me feel like I am worth not a whole lot It makes me feel weak and pathetic and like people are looking down on me and like you know what they probably should But the funny thing is that's not what life is about I don't think life is about achieving things or checking boxes I mean having goals and dreams is incredibly important I have many of them But that's not the essence of of what I think life should be about at least for me I want to connect with people. I want to impact those around me I want to be open and absorb those relationships and experiences around me because those are the things that make me feel truly alive Yet somehow I always come back to this narrative that I have to be something. I have to do something otherwise I'm I shouldn't even really be here And when you're someone who routinely deals with physical issues that prevents you from doing those things Especially on the timeline that you thought maybe you could do them on it becomes really weird and confusing and painful What I actually think is deep at the core of the language of health shame At least for me is the idea that maybe it's easier to Blame myself and hate myself for things that actually aren't in my control and pretend that they are Because the scarier reality is that it's not in my control the terrifying chilling reality Is that sometimes things go wrong? Sometimes willpower won't get you through things Sometimes you get sick and there's no explanation and you're sick for a really long time Sometimes worse things happen and there is so much that is so far outside of my control But if I think I can control it even if that means Shaming myself even if that means hating myself That's kind of easier to deal with than the idea that it's actually outside my hands Now of course within that there are many things that I do control I can control my mindset or at least try to I can choose to do things that are good for me I can explore and experiment with what works and trying to live a healthier lifestyle and and all of that But at the end of the day there are things that I don't have the power to change And that's really terrifying sometimes It's really hard to direct compassion towards yourself the same compassion that you would Willingly give away to other people Like I said, I would never think these things about someone else I would never think them about someone I love or even someone I don't really care that much about But I do think them towards myself. It's hard to give yourself the same grace and the same mercy and the same Alliances to not be okay that we give to other people It's hard to think that maybe some things are outside of our control It's hard to fight against the achievement mentality and if you aren't achieving and doing things You're worthless Even though those things aren't remotely true If you've ever found yourself thinking these things or found yourself in this place first of all Please know that you are not at all alone. You're not weird for thinking them Many of us many of us do Your value my value is not tied to what we can achieve no matter what society or other people tell us You are worth everything simply the way that you are without checking any boxes or winning any trophies This isn't a battle that I have won. I know a lot of things on a rational level Yet I have the hardest time trying to implement them on an emotional level I think that's one of the weirdest things about people. We can know things but not actually know them But I will continue to try to call out those things within myself And fight against them and find healthier ways of navigating things I can say that that voice has gotten quieter over time The past six weeks it got real loud, which is why I wanted to talk about it But I definitely don't think anyone else deserves to talk to themselves that way And so I'm going to continue to try to not talk to myself that way and find healthier ways of thinking and dealing with all of this I'd love to hear your story in the comment section down below if you feel like sharing If this is something you've never thought of or never dealt with that's fantastic And I'm super super glad But if you have like I said, please know that you're not alone and it actually isn't your fault and it is okay not to be okay Thanks for listening guys a huge. Thank you to all of my patrons over on patreon So many of you guys have continued supporting me during this time and that honestly touches my heart You don't have to do that. It's never expected, but it is so so so appreciated. So thank you Thank you watching this video for spending a few minutes out of your day here with me today I truly appreciate it. You could be anywhere in the world doing anything and you chose to hang out with me And that's awesome. Thanks guys. I love you. I'm thinking about you and I will see you in the next video Bye guys. Okay, I was gonna roll the credits, but so many of you guys have asked to see more about my pets I wanted to uh input some kitty footage right now It's just me and the cats at home My puppy dogs are up at my parents house because of the asthma issues and all the breathing stuff I was dealing with without it might be better to get them out of the house for a couple days But my sweet little kitties are here and let me tell you they are having quite a day They are working hard. I think is the the best thing that I could say about them right now So this is little lewis Lewis parker jr. Is his full name as you can tell he's a stressed little kitty lewis lewis He knows his name. He doesn't always choose to listen lewis parker jr Nope, nothing disrespect blatant disrespect and this little oh there he is This little floof over here this little biscuit this little ray of sunshine is caked caked You just want to be petted today. Um, as you can tell she is also Achieving great things in her little life. Frankly, this is peak performance right now. They absolutely love fuzzy blankets Put a fuzzy blanket down and you will catch a cat in my household That's just how it works. So for me and the kitties, we hope you have a wonderful rest of your day And now i'm actually gonna roll the credit