 Hey, Psych2Goers, welcome back to another video. Have you ever shouted at your parents or argued with friends and then immediately regretted it? The people who we hurt or hurt us will likely be the people that we know best. Hurting the ones close to us is something that happens naturally for many different reasons. Please remember this video is for educational purposes and is not a substitute for professional advice. If you can relate to any of these signs, please do not take this feedback as an attack on your character. With that said, here are seven reasons why we hurt the ones we love. Number one, we hurt others in order to hurt ourselves. Has a family member or partner ever said, you'll never succeed in accomplishing your goals? According to psychologist Joanna Pantasi, one reason that you hurt the ones you love is because you're punishing and sabotaging yourself. This is founded on core beliefs of inadequacy. When you have an ingrained belief that you are unworthy of love, undeserving of happiness or that you're bound to ruin anything good for you, it's highly probable that you'll end up acting in ways to confirm these beliefs. Therefore, you have the tendency to hurt your loved ones in order to sabotage yourself and your happiness or because you feel you need to punish yourself. If you feel this way, try to ask yourself, what do you need in order to feel worthy of love and happiness? What would help you heal? What good qualities does your loved one see in you? Number two, we want to gain control for protection. Have you ever been scared of being emotionally hurt by a friend, significant other or family member? As an attempt to protect yourself, you hurt the person first before they have a chance. Many forms of betrayal and hurting others have a common motivation to acquire a fleeting feeling of power from the rush of hurting someone else before they can hurt you. In relationships, we tend to hurt the other so that we have the upper hand in control. If this becomes an established dynamic in your relationship, it will turn the entire relationship toxic and be the backbone for abuse. If you realize this behavior in yourself, think about what you're protecting yourself from. What can you find common ground in order to solve your differences peacefully without inflicting harm to one another? Number three, we feel more freedom to be ourselves and not censor our words or actions. Have you ever been with someone you're so comfortable around that you tend to get rid of your filter and not censor your words? In any close relationship, you may feel inclined to behave and speak authentically. The more love and trust are developed between people, the more freedom you feel to just be yourself. However, this lack of inhibitions and boundaries makes it easier to unintentionally hurt the other person. You might think that your comment is completely innocent without any malicious intent, but it can be perceived as offensive by the person on the receiving end. Setting good personal boundaries is crucial to creating healthy relationships. Communicate with the person on the receiving end to let them know that you mean no harm. If they tell you that they feel hurt by your actions, try to change your behavior. Number four, we develop an insecure attachment style. Your attachment style is the emotional connection you formed as an infant with your primary caregiver. What you experienced during this first relationship can often determine how you act in relationships throughout life. When adults with secure attachments look back on their childhood, they usually feel that someone reliable was always available to them. As adults, they may enjoy close intimate relationships and are not afraid to take risks and love. On the contrary, people with insecure attachment patterns to grow up without consistent, supportive, and validating environments often struggle to have healthy relationships with others as adults. However, everybody has the ability to change and grow. A person who doesn't have a naturally secure style can work on earned security, which means developing a secure style through relationships and interactions in adulthood. Number five, we want to assert our own space and independence. Are your parents or someone in your life too controlling? Do you wish they could give you space and independence that you desire? You may lash out, be rebellious and utter hurtful words. This is an unconscious way to assert your own space and independence by pushing the other person away. Therefore, it's important to learn how to communicate your thoughts and feelings. Try to understand where the other person is coming from instead of lashing out immediately. Number six, we want to test the boundaries and see how far we can go before they draw the line. Have you ever tried testing the boundaries to see how far your friend, family member, or partner is willing to go before they draw the line, thus hurting them in the process? We generally can't learn what another person's limits are until we test them. Young children do this instinctively. Children are motivated by powerful impulses to get or do whatever feels compelling to them at the moment, until they're told otherwise. They will often relentlessly pursue the objects of their desire. Often, the person who pushes the boundaries of their partner desperately wants some clear and firm boundaries. Without realizing that this behavior can hurt the other person. A good boundary is when you are able to allow yourself to be vulnerable while simultaneously preventing you from being taken advantage of. And number seven, we have idealizations and high expectations. Have you ever fantasized about a perfect relationship with a significant other or even friends? When we have unrealistic expectations about our relationships, we can feel disappointed or deflated when our expectations aren't meant. This may lead to abandoning good relationships or making negative comparisons and miss out on what works in our own relationship. The closer we get to someone emotionally, the more rules we attribute to them in our mind and the higher expectations we have of them and the more they ultimately mean to us. In a way, we idealize them. We think quite highly of them. Therefore, any small sign that might not line up with this idealized image we have of them may be perceived more negatively. So did these reasons shed light on a situation in your life? Of course, these may not apply to every situation. At the end of the day, many of us have hurt or been hurt by someone close to us. It's how we resolve the situation and communicate with the other person that matters. It's always best to do what you think is best after thinking through the situation. Did you find this video insightful? Tell us in the comments below. Please like and share it with friends that may enjoy this video too. Make sure to subscribe to Psych2Go and hit the notification bell for more new content. All the references used are added in the description box below. Thanks for watching and we'll see you next time.