 Welcome to Tiffany's. How can I help you? Ho ho ho holy crap it's crowded in here. Look lady I double parked my sleigh outside and I'm in a rush. Are you sure you're in the right store? This is Tiffany's. Enough with the attitude sugar tits. I just need to pick up some trinkets for Mrs. Claus. Ah excuse me miss. I'm newt. Oh Mr. Gingrich. Welcome back. Please step this way. Hey wait a minute I was here first. Mr. Gingrich is one of our most valued customers. I know he is. We met at Weight Watches a couple of years ago. Ah yes. St. Nicholas. Delighted to see you. What brings you to the Big Apple at Christmas? Last year I put Cole and Mrs. Claus's stocking and told her that if she waited several thousand years it turned into a diamond. Clever. She's not buying so I gotta spring for some bling. Well I'd like to recommend the Blood Diamonds. I refuse to purchase any stone from Tiffany's unless there's a signed guarantee that the minor who dug it up had his daughter's hand cut off for stealing. You are so swan-y. It's what makes me so attractive to the ladies. Both the ones I've married and the ones I've fornicated with behind my spouse's cancer ridden back. Hey Santa. Hey Santa. Quiet elf boy. Can't you see I'm talking here? Come on boss. There's a cop outside giving me trouble. Says he's gonna tow the sleigh. Didn't you show him that fake handicap tag I keep on the rear view mirror? I did. But now he's trying to give you a ticket because Don and Blitz had violated the pooper scooper law. I told you to put the reindeer diapers on them. Ah that's not my job. Just move the sleigh around the block until I get out if you want to have a job. Alright but hurry up boss. I'm freezing the bells off my curly-toed slippers. Who was that tiny pixie of a man? Ron Paul? Nah one of my elves. Hey Nick, in this economy I can't believe you're still paying for elves. You're telling me their pension costs are breaking the bank. They're lazy, they steal and they've got this funny smell like pencil eraser. So fire them. Yeah but what do I do to replace them? If you really want to get rid of those elves, what you need to do is hire school children. Oh my stars. A workforce even smaller than elves. Correct. As you know, I believe that working age begins a moment or two after they clean up the afterbirth. Hmm, an interesting theory but... Theory? Nonsense. My entire campaign is staffed by children. Have you ever seen my campaign poster? Let's see. Vote for Newt or you're a booger eater. Brilliant work by six-year-old Matt Naftis. And I'm eternally grateful to my crack writer Charlie Rubin, age nine, who spent his entire milk and cookie break writing my speech, Mitt Romney has got the cooties. So you're saying I could put those elves out on an ice flow and hire a parcel of tots? Hey, I heard that. Santa, you can't fire us elves. We're the backbone of your outfit. The proof that labor is capital. Solidarity forever. Silence. You pocket-sized Emma Goldman. Ow! Hey, don't hit my elf. Only I can hit my elf. Ow! Oh yeah? Well, can you do this to your elf? No. Only I can do this. Not bad. Have you ever tried this? Check this out. I call this the reverse rockette. What a whiner. Welcome to our very special holiday broadcast. Thank you for joining us. I'm David Feldman. On today's program, legendary comedy writer, Meryl Marko, author of the hilarious book of essays entitled Cool, Calm, and Contentious. Plus music from Will Ryan, along with Paul Dooley, Rick Overton, Eddie Pepitone, Frank Conniff, Janie Haddad Tompkins, Chris Pinnott, and Jeremy Kramer. Our holiday program today is written by Steve Rosenfield, Frank Conniff, and Guy Nicolucci. As part of its ongoing commitment to humorless programming, National Public Radio is proud to present the latest episode of That's Not Funny. With your host, Skylar Umbridge. I'm Skylar Umbridge. Welcome to a special Christmas edition of That's Not Funny. My first guest is Internet historian Bonnie Washington. Skylar, I have unearthed an amazing discovery. Perfect for the holidays. It's the mommy blog that the Virgin Mary wrote after she gave birth to the baby Jesus. You're saying that the Virgin Mary posted a mommy blog on the Internet in ancient Biblical times. Yes! Here's an excerpt from one of her early blog posts. Baby Jesus turned my breast milk into wine and drunkenly yelled at Joseph, You're not my real father. Gosh, being a mommy is going to be harder than I thought. I bet all mothers can relate to that. Here's a blog post from a few months later. Christmas is coming up. I feel bad because it falls on the same day as Jesus' birthday. I'm afraid he's going to feel cheated. My birthday is on the 4th of July, so I know exactly how he felt. Indeed, and here's another blog post. Took little Jesus to the Jubilee store today. They're having a shroud of savings promotion with great deals on robes and sandals. I highly recommend that everybody head on over to the... Excuse me, but that blog post sounds suspiciously like a commercial. Well, yes! The Virgin Mary's mommy blog was so successful that it did eventually attract corporate sponsorship. In fact, the only thing more popular on the biblical web was the viral video that Noah posted of two cameras playing the piano. That's not funny. You've taken the sacred world of the Old Testament internet and commercialized and trivialized it. Get out! Get out! Get out! Okay, our next guest on That's Not Funny is Bart Jason, the author of a new seasonal coffee table book called My Most Beloved Christmas Movies. Yes, scholar. This is a book in which I take an in-depth look at the beautiful Christmas movies that have meant so much to me. For instance, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre is a Christmas movie. Well, the Christmas element is a bit subtle, but in the film, the psychotic murderous family is poor, yet they own expensive chainsaws. It's a good bet that they got those chainsaws as Christmas presents. So if not for the joyful, generous spirit of Christmas, they would not be able to do what they love most, mutilating and killing people with chainsaws. Okay, I'm trying to see your point. Another one of my favorite Christmas movies is Bad Lieutenant. Wait a minute. I've seen Bad Lieutenant. How is that even remotely a Christmas movie? Whenever I'm feeling sad, I watch the scene where Lieutenant Harvey Cartel pulls over two young women and masturbates in front of them. That scene never fails to lift my spirits and fill my heart with joyous, glad tidings. The other Christmas film that is dear to my heart is It's a Wonderful Life. Finally, a Christmas movie that everybody loves. I'm talking about the director's cut of It's a Wonderful Life. George Bailey jumps off the bridge and kills himself. That's not the ending of the movie. It is in Frank Capra's original version, but the studio made him tack on that hokey fantasy sequence. I mean, who likes that ending? I do. It always makes me cry. Really? Yes. That's hilarious. No, it isn't. Well, what are you, some kind of mostly crippled basket case? Oh, every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings. Oh boo, boo, that's so touching. You gotta be kidding me. That's not funny. Get out! Get out! My next guest on That's Not Funny is Marcus Lewiston, the editor of a new book, Children's Letters to Santa. Yes, and what could be more appropriate for Christmas? Anyway, here's one letter. Dear Santa, could you bring me a new mommy and daddy? I love them, but they hate me. And could you bring me a new name? I don't like being called Skyler. All the other kids make fun of it. Excuse me, but is that letter from...? That is a letter that you yourself, Skyler Onbridge, wrote to Santa when you were a child. I found a bunch of them and I thought it would be a delightful Christmas gift for you and your listeners if I read them on the air. I'd rather you did it. Here's another letter from young Skyler. Dear Santa, could you send me a flying bicycle so I could fly away from my life and maybe equip it with laser beams so I can burn and maim all the mean girls at school who make my life a living hell? Excuse me, but could you not read any more of my letters to Santa? A flying bicycle! That is so adorable! Please, please don't. Okay, here's a letter that Santa wrote back to you. Dear Skyler, first of all, what kind of a weirdo name is Skyler? Secondly, did you really cry at the end of its wonderful life? For Christ's sake, get a grip, you flaky freak! Okay, okay, enough! That's not funny! Wait, wait, there's more to the letter. But as far as a big gift you want, the gift of a career in broadcasting, that is something you will receive one day. You are a complex, intelligent, multifaceted person, so of course your childhood is a miserable cesspool of suckiness. But you have exactly the right kind of temperament for a career in the arts. So keep dreaming, baby. Your life is eventually going to get better. Hang in there, Merry Christmas, love, Santa. Wow, I... I never got that letter. You didn't? No. Man, your childhood really did suck, didn't it? Yes, it really did. But I'm here today to say thank you for joining me on That's Not Funny. And now I'm going to go grab a box of Kleenex, go home, watch It's a Wonderful Life, and sob my eyes out. And anyone who doesn't like it can kiss my ass. Merry Christmas. That's not funny as made possible by a grant from listeners like you, who think keeping your favorite radio shows on the air is more important than feeding the hungry. On January 1st, 2012, at Flapper's Comedy Club, Will Ryan and the Cactus County Cowboys will perform in what is being called the funniest show of the year for 2012. That's right, and you're going to be there, of course. I am going to be there. It's not only the funniest show of the year, it's the best show of the year, it's the longest show of the year, it's the shortest show of the year, it's the... It's the first show. If you go to that, you've been to the best show of the year, and you don't have to go to any other. And Flapper's is a great comedy club. I was there last night. It's in beautiful Burbank. And on January 5th, you will be at the Coffee Gallery backstage in Altadena with the great June Foray. That's right. It's June and January on January 5th, the Coffee Gallery backstage. We did something last June with June. We decided the month was named after her, so we should have her join us on stage. And she sang in public for the first time, I think, ever. And so that was kind of fun. Now some people may not know who June Foray is. June Foray is the voice of Rocky the Flying Squirrel, Natasha the Spy, Tweeting Sylvester's Granny, Dudley Dew writes Nell. She's Mrs. Bugs Bunny, Mrs. Daffy Duck. I think she was Mrs. Donald Duck in a cartoon. And not Daisy Duck, but a cartoon where Donald was married, and the queen of cartoon voiceover. And when we bring her in next week, will she... I guess we cannot have her do those voices. Sure. Isn't that copyright infringement or something? No, you can do a voice. Can we write sketches that involve Natasha? You know, there's something called parody. There's laws that protect parody in satire. She won't get into trouble if we do that? If she's up for doing it, I don't think there'll be a problem. Of course, I'm not an attorney, I'm just a singing cowboy. And you know, if she can't do Rocky the Flying Squirrel, she could probably do... Rocky the Flying Monkey. Yeah, right, exactly. ...was a similar voice. Right. Please welcome Will Ryan. Thank you, Davey. You know, I'd like to do a song that... This is kind of personal because there's a kind of a cultural warfare that goes on this time of year. And some people seem to be afraid to mention a certain word that is a name of a holiday. And this song, although it has a generic title, it's called Seasonal Felicitations, dares to actually mention the name of the holiday to which I'm referring. It's the foundation for this festive season. If you listen carefully, the form of the song is chorus, verse, chorus, and at the end of the verse, I actually dare to mention that holiday. Seasonal Felicitations to you and if applicable to yours. Seasonal Felicitations to every his and likewise every hers. It's customary to be festive about the time we're tossing out the calendar. So Seasonal Felicitations to you and if applicable to yours. You'll tide cheer and be a cure for what my alia. And it's been that way since the days of Saturnalia. Inside proffer Seasonal Felicitations to you and if applicable to yours. Seasonal Felicitations to every his and likewise every hers. Reverse that if you like. I hope that you can hear my greetings. Above the raucous revelry of carolers old Seasonal Felicitations to you and if applicable to yours. Seasonal Felicitations Seasonal Felicitations You know every song you do gets stuck in my head. Well Ryan that was fantastic. You will be at Flappers Comedy Club January 1st 2012. Along with you Davey. That's right for the funniest show of the year. Well Davey I'd like to wish to you and yours and all the listeners out there Merry Saturnalia. You know I'm offended by that. Thanks Will. The David Feldman radio program is made possible by listeners like you. You sad pathetic humps. Coming up comedy writer and author Merrill Marco. But first it's time once again for another edition of Eddie Peppitone's Emmy Award winning late night talk show Peppitone Tonight. And now ladies and gentlemen Eddie Peppitone. It's great to be here. Hey Frank how you doing? I'm doing great Eddie. Merry Christmas. Frank have you noticed something about Newt Gingrich? What's that Eddie? He's a phony piece of sh**. I think George will mention that last Sunday. Okay because tonight is our Christmas show I'm gonna make a special announcement. This is something we do every year around this time. We're hiring a new writer at Peppitone Tonight. How about that? Welcome Seth Porchnick. Eddie can you give us any insight into what made you choose Seth over the hundreds of other writers who competed for this one available job on Peppitone Tonight? We were just blown away by his submission. That's what it's all about. It's gotta be there on the page. Well I never read it but at the end of you he was energetic, upbeat and under 20. So congratulations Seth. Thank you Mr. Peppitone. I appreciate the opportunity. I'm sure you'll be great. Best of luck. Seth Porchnick how about that huh? Did you see how young he is? I always like to see people get a break. I just hope he gets funnier. Because I hired Seth I've got to get rid of one of my other writers. I can't have more than 23 at a time. The nominees for the Christmas 2011 writer I'm going to fire are Tom McNulty and Plead for their father's job. How about that folks? You like that idea? That seems fair doesn't it? Tell them who's coming out Frank. Well child number one is 18 years old. He got an early admission to Columbia. He's a musical prodigy. Please welcome Jake Chapman. Welcome to the show. You know folks the first time I saw this young man he was three years old and his dad brought him into the office. I was expecting donuts. He was a cute kid. He was no cinnamon crawler. And Jake thanks to your dad's long tenure on this show you were able to go to the best schools. What was the name of your high school? Harvard Westlake in Bel-Air. Harvard Westlake in Bel-Air. Nothing but the best. My dad is the reason your show is funny. Well I'm sure your dad feels that way too. He's had a great run. 15 years on one show. Very few writers get that kind of job security. And I'd like to thank your dad appreciates it. Jake would you mind not texting for a minute? Let's bring out the other kid. Okay now representing the other writer Eddie might fire tonight. Please welcome child number two Ryan McDonald. Isn't he cute folks? How old are you Ryan? I'm eight and a half. Just like the movie. Ryan why do you think I should let your dad keep his job? Well Mr. Pepperton it's Christmas. Yes Ryan but it's Christmas at Jake's house as well. We should point out Eddie that Ryan's father was the last writer hired and therefore should be the first one let go. Please don't fire my daddy Mr. Pepperton. That's not much of an argument kid. What else have you got? Eddie Ryan's dad almost lost his home to foreclosure before you hired him. Again what does this have to do with my show? Let's go to the scoreboard. Open the curtain lefty. Let's see it Osnup is first. Butt Chapman. This week Butt submitted 677 jokes and or sketches out of which the number of jokes and or sketches that got into the show was three. Okay now Tommy. This week Tom submitted 749 jokes and or sketches out of which the number of jokes and or sketches that got into the show was two. Okay folks it looks like Butt Chapman is the better writer this week. Yes in your face McNulty. However I've decided to keep Tom McNulty because he's much younger. Jake Chapman tell your dad thanks for 15 great years. You suck. Hey kid this is a lesson you never learned at Columbia. Life is unfair. Good luck at Bel-Air Community College. Thank you Mr. Pepitone. What can I say I hate lifers. Hey folks we're out of time. Our apologies to Charlize Theron D.L. Hewgly and Chinese premiere Wen Jabo. We'll try to have them back as soon as possible. Who's on the show next week Frank? Next week our guests will be Larry Hagman, Christine O'Donnell and Aisha Tyler. How many f***ing libs does Larry Hagman need? Good night everybody and Merry Christmas. Meryl Marko is a legendary comedy writer her books include Meryl Marko's Guide to Love, How to be Hap, Hap, Happy, Like Me, What the Dogs Have Taught Me. The name of your book that's out right now and available through Amazon or at bookstores if they still exist is a collection of essays entitled Cool, Calm and Contentious. Everybody told me pick up Meryl Marko's book it's gonna blow you away and it really has because in praise of crazy mommies. It was supposed to be called In Praise of Crazy Mommies the Women Who Invented Stand-up Comedy. Because they are the source I think of funny people off balanced mothers produce comedians. You isolated the comedic particle like Cern is trying to find the God particle. Now that essay about Diaries of Ronnie Marko? Diaries of Ronnie Marko, yeah. I found her diaries after she died. I never could get along with her in life and I worked really hard at it including before I would see my mother I would run scenarios with a therapist I'd go alright I'm gonna see her and here's what she's gonna say what should I do and we figure things out and even that I could never succeed in getting along because she was pretty much bound and determined to pick fights with me. She's very critical. Extremely critical and she was as most narcissistic personality types are looking to vent and I was just that was the relationship we had as I provided a vent for her she'd always find things wrong with me and then she'd vent so there was a 36 hour window with me I was when I used to go home to see her I knew I figured out that I had exactly 36 hours to get out of there which she didn't like at all because she wanted me to come and stay and hang out for days but I realized if I every hour after 36 was a countdown to a fight. I used to feel like she was shooting peas at me you know remember pea shooters she started I feel them pinging off my chest as I would be getting across from her and she'd be she had ways that she would be searching for arguments and fights that had no application to anything and sooner or later she'd catch me if I just got sick of it. There are two things you should do. You should buy Maro Marcos book all her books and if you have the space and the time you should go to the pound and pick up a rescue. If you have the capacity to love an animal you should go pick up an animal. Absolutely. We have three dogs and three cats. Ginger and Ginger and Jimmy. Ginger and Jimmy. The only two purebred dogs I've ever had. I always just get rescue but these guys were the children of Ponzi scheme guy. Not made off though right? No this guy was a forward thinking guy he proceeded made off. He had his own Ponzi scheme in Malibu and was on the lam and left the dogs at my vets and six months later they were still sitting in a little glass cage waiting for somebody and my vet introduced me to them. I want you to talk about flexible cohabitation. Oh that was my life. This is what three dogs explain flexible cohabitation. Well I was just the premise of the piece is that I was watching Caesar Milan and I realized that his methods while they are really riveting and interesting and stuff repeatedly people come on his show and have problems walking their dog on a leash and that's a really common problem and you pretty much have to train your dog to walk on a leash. Otherwise they just drag you around like Fred Flintstone water skiing. So over and over again you watch Caesar Milan cure this in 30 seconds and what he does repeatedly. On roller blades. Yeah he can do yeah he doesn't even need to get off his roller blades. He takes the collar and he moves it up right behind their ears and then you walk with them really slowly so I thought well that's amazing that's how how did I not know this. So I took my dog that really drags me around and did that exact thing and I realized it's a dog show walk and it looks like they're choking. When you're actually walking with them that way it's the opposite of going for a walk with them. It's like walking somebody attached to an IV you know with the IV stand. It's like it's not like taking a dog for a walk. So I was trying to think well what method of training because I don't really you have to do some dog training with your dog especially if it's problematic a lot of people get rid of their animals because they didn't train them and they can't get along with them but me I always have enough training to be able to get along with them just fine and then after that I just kind of give up and I don't really get them to do very many things because I don't really want them to do very many things. I enjoy watching them be dogs. Right. You don't have a time to be a tyrant. It's exactly right and I find them hilarious. For me they're like exchange students from Neptune. Well your book is fantastic and it's called Cool, Common, Contentious and you should buy it for Christmas and then get yourself an animal if you have room in your heart and in your home. It's lovely of you to be stomping for animals. Well that way it's true though. There's plenty of them. Yeah. Meryl, thank you. For more of my interview with Meryl Marco please go to David Feldman or go to www.Eddie.com or subscribe to our podcast on iTunes. Today's holiday program featured Paul Dooley, Rick Overton, Eddie Pepitone, Frank Conniff, Janie Haddad Tompkins, Chris Pina and Jeremy Kramer. Our program was written today by Steve Rosenfield, Frank Conniff and Guy Nicolucci. We are mixed and engineered by Alex Steen and edited by Darren Ayers. Our production assistant is Alicia Cordova and our producer is Troy Conrad. Special thanks to Matt Perez, Ali Lexa, Jimmy Dore and of course Alan Minsky. Please friend me on Facebook for additional material or to hear this show again or any of our hysterical podcasts. Please go to www.DavidFeldman.com and while you're there please subscribe to my mailing list. From the KPFK studios in Southern California, I'm David Feldman wishing you all a Merry Christmas and if you have the room in your home and your heart run down to the shelter and adopt the ugliest cat or dog you can find.