 When I feel stressed out, I tend to close myself up and I feel hopeless in the moment and I kind of feel like I'm in a hole. I literally will escape it, so if it's a job, I'll get a new one. If it's an apartment, I will move. If it's a state, city, I'll move. The relationship, I believe. I have a bad habit of taking my stress out on other people who have nothing to do with it. But when I'm talking to my friends and stuff, I'm completely fine. Although I notice that I tend to put them before me and I'm really over apologetic over nothing. So I'm quite conscious of that. I like to clean my environment because if that place is crowded, my head will also be crowded and that ain't good. Another thing that I notice that is kind of strange is that I delete photos off of my phone gallery. Right now I have been reclaiming what's been stolen, so I have been digging into ancestral practices. I've been doing my research on what my ancestors used to do to take care of their mind, body and spirit. And I've been talking to my mom and talking to my grandmother and just learning more about my roots and about my ancestors. So every morning I get up, I go to my courtyard and I drink coffee, I read, I sit there and stare at the wall. I try to breathe and I try to do this for at least 30 minutes to an hour before I even begin work. Taking time to journal, taking a nap, having a snack that's more indulgent. Honestly, this may sound a little weird, but doing schoolwork and being productive is a stress reliever to me. Going inward, being spiritual, taking that moment to rest and rejuvenate and to understand myself, who are you as a person? So for me, my most consistent coping mechanisms are two things. I'm a DIYer and I have a green thumb with a ton of plant babies and I just love the process of pruning them, keeping them clean and just recreating things. And for me, when thinking about coping mechanisms, I work in a mental health field. So right now I have to go to work and so that commute back and forth to work has allowed me to practice some mindfulness and just really be present with myself. I have a few coping mechanisms. The main one is working out. Another one is reading, another one is yoga, meditation, praying, reading the Bible, watching a movie, listening to music, hanging out with friends and family or playing basketball. Doing things that appeal to my five senses. So for taste, I really love drinking tea, specifically chai tea. For smell, I love aromatherapy, so essential oils like lavender or tea tree and also incense help as well. And then for sight, I really love to look at images of nature or just being in nature in general and seeing it around me is super helpful. For touch, I really love movement such as yoga or dancing and I also love to touch things that are soft like blankets. And for hearing, I really love listening to podcasts, music and listening to nature sounds as well. And those are some of the ways that I bring myself back into balance when I'm really, really stressed. Let's talk about stress, baby. Let's talk about you and me. Let's talk about all the bullshit that's been happening in 2020. That was a freestyle. Okay. Woo. It's been a year, you guys. It has been quite the year. And if your relationships have been impacted negatively by this year, that's what this video is mainly for. But if you want to watch it for yourself, we're going to be discussing the eight different coping mechanism strategies, how to identify what your partners is and how to work with them, not against them when you can tell they're up to their same old tricks. Now, this question has come about so much for me in two different forms. I've seen it in the form of... I've seen sides of my partner during 2020 that I have found really alarming. What does that mean? It's also come up in... Me and my partner have totally different sex drives. What does this mean? I actually saw another relationship expert say that if you have noticed that you can't get along with your partner this year because of all this togetherness time, they've actually done you a favor because you have identified deal breakers that may have taken longer to expose. I just could not disagree with that anymore. I think that trying to judge people during unprecedented times and unprecedented levels of stress, anxiety, and pressure and pain is extremely harmful, especially because we don't get taught how to effectively deal with our emotions when they are in overload, so judging your partner based on that, unless, of course, their coping mechanism is violence or it's abuse, I think that making hard judgments about their character during this time is extremely unfair. And that's why I'm making this video so that you can be a bit slower in your judgments and work together to hopefully stick it out and bring out the best in each other. So let's talk about sex, stress and sex. It seems like those two don't have a relationship, but they have an extremely intertwined one and two very different responses can come up that. Now, some people when they're stressed out, they actually experience something called arousal confusion because when you're stressed, a lot of the times it's the same physiological response your body gets when you're aroused. Your heart rate is up, your adrenaline is pumping, your pupils are dilated, your blood is flowing, and if you know arousal symptoms, it's pretty much similar. And so this is where makeup sex really does have a strong hold in a lot of people's hearts because when they're really angry, it can feel almost natural to transfer that anger into like an animalistic drive for their partner. On the flip side, there are people who when they are in fight or flight, it is near impossible for them to get to calm and connect, which is the state that they need to be in in order to feel sexual for anybody. Sapiosexuals might relate to this. People in general who need to be in a good, mental, physical, physiological place before intimacy even feels like an option for their body. So what happens during a time like this, when there is so much going on in the world, you might have one partner who's experiencing unprecedentedly high sex drive and another partner who has absolutely no drive at all during this time. And to me, what you really have to focus on is not the incompatibility in the drives, but the incompatibility in the coping mechanisms that are happening. So before we dive into the eight different archetypes, I first want to give a massive shout out to Audible. My life became so much easier and better and more joyful to understand and process when I stopped relying on experience and started to tap into the experience of others to help me make more informed decisions before I even knew that I would end up in that scenario. I'm a massive fan of listening, so I'm a big fan of audiobooks because it's on the go and it fits my lifestyle. I'm also in school right now, so I have to read a ton of books, which is why audiobooks while I run for my pleasure is a big deal for me. This video is sponsored by Audible and if you share my passion, you are going to share the joy in this promotion. This video is sponsored by Audible, who is the leading provider of spoken word entertainment and audiobooks. Now members, and that includes people on Audible's 30 day free trial, get one audiobook a month plus access to all of the Audible original monthly selections. That means more access to podcasts, guided wellness programs, theatrical performances and A-list comedy. The 30 day Audible free trial is legit the only way that I know of that you can listen and keep my audiobook the game of desire read by me fo free. All you got to do is go to Audible.com slash Shan Booty or if you're in the U.S. text Shan Booty to the number 500-500. That's Audible.com slash Shan Booty or text Shan Booty to 500-500. If you want another recommendation, I'm currently listening to I Hear You. And I'm re-listening to the laws of human nature. The eight different stress coping strategies I'm about to outline are inspired by something I read about in a psychology book which is defense mechanisms. And so I took some of those defense mechanisms and I retitled them and I added a couple more into the mix that I have observed through listening to so many of your stories during this time. So first and foremost, we have the distractor. I firmly believe that all of us have a little bit of distractor in us. I know I certainly do. A distractor is somebody that when they feel overwhelmed by negative feelings or stressful feelings, they turn to a vice to give them a pick-me-up. Sometimes that vice is in the form of alcohol. It could be drugs. It could be video games. It might be sex. It might be food. It's essentially when you don't want to deal with your emotions and so you try to find something else to give you that pick-me-up to bring you back to a state of normalcy or to distract you from the lack of normalcy currently happening in your life. My distractor vice of choice is food. Specifically, it's fast food or really unhealthy comfort foods. Now again, I really try to set myself up in my life up in such a way that I don't feel overwhelmed and I'm called to go to that. But I do know, so for example for me, if I have a really long day at work, if I don't pack food and if I don't pack stuff for the drive home, I will end up turning off into a drive through. So I have to know that about myself that when I get exhausted or overwhelmed, that's what I go to. So I have to pre-plan alternatives. So if you notice that your partner goes to those vices during a calm time, not the time when they are actually actively trying to soothe themselves, but during a calm time, try to have a discussion with them about what would be a healthier alternative that you can grab in a pinch so I can make sure I set you up for success. Another helpful strategy for my fellow distractors out there is to start an impulse journal. I actually got this tip from watching one of Katie Morton's videos and she talks about every time that you have an impulse to do something or to turn to a vice that you write it down and you write out why you think that you need it. This will help you to strategize again what that healthier need is in that moment to have that need handy so that in times of stress you're not forcing yourself to make those hard choices, but also as well to even the act of writing something out can calm you down and bring you to a place to make a more rational, healthy choice. Next is the dump truck. You could probably guess what that means. It's somebody who takes all their shit and all their garbage and all the weight of the day and they throw it on to the person that they are closest to, the person that they feel the most comfortable with. Often times with the dump truck is they are suppressing these negative feelings all day long around people. They don't feel like they have the luxury of dumping it on to and then they wait until they're around you or around that other person and then they throw everything on to them. Notice this is a dump truck, not a recycle truck, because a recycle truck could be constructive. Let's take all of these materials and reconstruct them into something purposeful. That would be a healthy way for the dump truck to manage their emotions and so if you are romantically involved with someone that you notice is a dump truck, I would say this is a toxic coping strategy. So again when they are calm it might be helpful to let them know that I am your partner, I'm here to process things with you and I want you to be vulnerable and honest with me in a way that you can't be with the rest of the world but you can't be cruel to me in a way that you know you can't be to the rest of the world and I can't be a good partner to you when you exhibit that cruelty towards me. So is there a way that you can write down everything that's bothering you maybe, show me that list and then we can constructively talk about it. Next up you've got the denier. In essence this is that meme where you've got that dog sitting at the kitchen table and drinking coffee while the house is on fire being like, everything is just fine. The denier actually sometimes tells himself that they're simply optimistic but in truth they are simply delusional and refusing to look at the scenario and respond to the scenario as it actually exists. Sometimes in the short term denial can actually be helpful because it allows you to get past the dangers of a stressful scenario and then once it's calm enough to do so you can start to process the feelings. Sometimes breaking down and processing stress while it's happening is counterproductive to your own survival well-being of others but if they continuously deny and they continuously refuse to look at reality in the face that's when it becomes a real coping strategy issue. What the main thing is with denier is they might be utilizing this because in their hearts they don't think that they can do anything to make a difference. They don't think that their output will change the outcome so there's no point in even processing it. So if you're romantically involved with a denier try to strategize with them on what they can do to be more in control how they can impact change in a way. Empower them with tools, empower them with strategies and that will allow them to feel more comfortable with approaching life head on as it's happening. Next we have the intellectualizer and this is the person who sucks all of the emotion in many cases all of the humanity out of the stressor and tries to solely focus on the facts. They look at it very analytically, very digitally as opposed to empathetically. Now this individual is me. It's my dad to 1,000% T but it's also me as well too and the way that I like to be managed when I am into intellectualizing things that do require a human touch and they do require somebody who is grounded in their emotions and also aware of other people's emotions as opposed to just trying to get to the solution is to allow that person to go through their intellectualizing process and allow them to get all of the facts and analysis out of the way and then just be like how do you feel about that? How does that make you feel? On the flip side of the intellectualizer is the wallower slash empathizer and this person becomes so overcome with emotions unable to see facts and logic in the moment. Now I say wallower slash empathizer because it's two different ways of processing it but the result is pretty much the same. So the wallower will go inside and focus only on their own feelings and dwell on their own feelings to their own detriment and the empathizer will project outwards and focus on the feelings and the needs of others and also too often to their own detriment of their best self-interest. I am married to an empathizer. Not a wallower I would say but I have noticed that in times of extreme stress or uncertainty my partner tends to really focus on the needs and the feelings and the priorities of others and sometimes those others is me and sometimes it's other people but in either case I know that they put themselves second and what I've learned to do through that is the same thing that I would like as an intellectualizer giving that person space to process and to explain how they're feeling or how they feel about somebody else's feelings to affirm them in that moment and then to talk about solutions afterwards. I think the mistake that I made in the past is I would go directly to facts and figures and solutions and not acknowledge the emotional component for them which always was counterproductive of what the end goal was to be which was to bring them to a place to find a constructive way of coping. Let's talk about the mirror. Now the mirror is somebody who just mimics and reflects back whatever the coping strategy is of the person who is in their immediate vicinity at the time and there's two different reasons that people mirror. Number one, they actually don't have or haven't identified a coping strategy or number two, they do have one but they are embarrassed they'll be judged for it so instead of being authentic they just choose to copy so if you are in a position where you are a distractor they will also indulge in the vice with you. If you are a dump truck they will scream and yell back at you. Now of course this can also be a positive thing if you have a healthy way of coping with stress the mirror can benefit from just copying what you do but a lot of us don't have healthy ways of coping with stress and if you're dating a mirror one, you'll never be able to grow because they never hold you accountable for your behavior and in many ways it enables that negative behavior and you go in this spin cycle of toxicity and then number two, that person never sees the benefits of looking at and working on themselves for who they authentically are so you might want to help this person by asking a few follow-up questions like when you're stressed out what does your body feel like? When you're stressed out, what are some of the things that you used to go to? When you're feeling stressed out what helps you to calm down the most? When you show that person that you are a safe person for them to be themselves with and through that authenticity they get to look at themselves and decide if they want to honor what their coping strategy is or work on what their coping strategy is The projector we all know what this one is and we're very good coincidentally at identifying other projectors and it's sometimes difficult to identify when we're doing it our damn selves and so if a projector is stressed out and feels stupid and feels out of control and feels helpless they're going to start to call other people out for that behavior if they are feeling guilty for not doing enough they're going to start to point the finger at other people and say that person isn't doing enough If you're with a projector good luck that's not true we're all projectors to some extent I think if you're with a projector it's good to hear that person out and say is that a quality bothers you why does that quality bother you if you saw that quality in yourself how would you manage it what would you do if you're in that person's shoes so I think it's like bringing the conversation back to them if you can sense that really and truly that conversation is about them in a non-judgmental way that doesn't fire up their ego allowing them to self reflect in the process finally you've got the compensator the compensator's model is when the going gets tough go outside and build a shed this is the person that when things aren't going well in one particular area they will put all of their energy into something that they feel that they have control over something that they do feel confident in the compensator might throw themselves into work when things are going tough the compensator may also have a really high sex drive because again that's a place where they feel pleasure and they know that they have control over if you're with the compensator let them clean the bathroom let them build the shed if they throw themselves into work I would say if anything try to create a finite finish point for them if they're building a shed then it's very clear when the shed is done hey you want to come inside I'm going to make some food let's just talk over dinner and they'll be on the high and they might be more receptive in that moment to talking about the actual stressful event and dealing with it at that time it's kind of like the compliment sandwich a lot of people have an easier time dealing with the negative when it's cushioned by positive on either end and so let them build their cushion you dish out that hard truth in the middle and then you can end it off with the lemonade or the dinner something positive and fantastic or the sex whatever that may be if you're listening to this list that's totally normal I can tell you that I have a bit of a distractor in me I'm an intellectualizer I can tend to be a projector and I definitely am a compensator and again some of these in small doses or as a short term strategy to calming yourself down aren't necessarily a negative thing they become negative when they become habitual and it becomes negative if the stress isn't going away and this just becomes a new normal for you because none of these behaviors are good long term strategies now I have given you some solutions but I know you guys have incredible solutions and meditation might be one of them and therapy of course is another incredible way to find healthy coping strategies but if there's really particular things that you have found that work based on the various different ways that people get fired up write them in the comment section below if you go I want to talk about the one year anniversary of my book the game of desire July 23rd 2019 it came out and I want to announce to you that I'm starting to work on my third book right now and I really want to create a board of trustees of people who have read and listened to the game of desire who I can bounce ideas off of you for this next project to ensure that it reflects the things that you care about that I am teaching the lessons or including the information the stories and anecdotes that matter to the people that I make content for and that's the people who are watching this video right now so if you did listen to the game of desire already you've already consumed that book make sure you're signed up for my mailing list I have a private blog and that's where I'll be posting some questions for you to answer as my board of trustees and if you have not gotten the game of desire yet absolute luck because through my partnership with Audible it is possible to listen for free to me, baby another freestyle to end the video who am I to yell them sugar please take advantage of Audible's 30 day free trial that gets you one audiobook for free and access to Audible's monthly selections to do so all you gotta do is head to audible.com slash shan booty if you're in the US text shan booty to 500 500 again that's audible.com slash shan booty or text shan booty to 500 500